Trouble In Pantoland


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Baron Hardup who was once the nicest man in Pantoland, has turned into the nastiest man in Pantoland, after becoming the new tax-collector. And his bailiffs are taking payment in kind from anyone who doesn’t pay up.

Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep. Little Boy Blue’s horn has been confiscated and Mother Goose is being threatened with eviction.

But things are not what they seem, and the reason for the Baron’s sudden change becomes clear, when the evil Witch Grizelda is revealed to be the power behind the throne.


11 principals plus several minor speaking roles, a goose and a chorus.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




Priscilla The Goose
Wicked Witch from Oz
Little Bo Peep
Little Boy Blue
Dancers; Villagers; Fairies; Guards; etc.



Music cue 2: Heidi and Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Jack and Jill [SR] looking glum.

CHORUS 1: Look everybody, it’s Jack and Jill.

CHORUS 2: How’s the water fetching business, guys?

JACK & JILL: [glum] Terrible.

CHORUS 3: How come?

CHORUS 4: You haven’t fallen down that steep hill again, have you?

JACK: No, after that happened health and safety made the council install a handrail all the way to the top.

JILL: It’s certainly made our water fetching a lot easier, I can tell you.

HEIDI: Then why are you both looking so glum?

JACK: It’s because old Baron Hardup has just confiscated our water buckets.

JILL: And now we can’t make a living fetching water for people.

HEIDI: But Baron Hardup’s always been such a kindly old gentleman.

JACK: Yes, but since becoming Pantoland’s new tax-collector, he’s turned nasty.

JILL: He turns up with his bailiffs and demands payment on the spot.

JACK: And if you can’t pay up, his bailiffs confiscate your belongings or evict you.

HEIDI: That’s terrible!

Enter Little Bo Peep [SL] crying.

CHORUS: It’s Little Bo Peep!

HEIDI: Why are you crying, Bo Peep?

BO PEEP: Baron Hardup confiscated my little lambs because I couldn’t pay my taxes.

HEIDI: That’s a really mean thing to do.

BO PEEP: He said if I don’t pay up by tomorrow, they’ll all end up in shepherd’s pies.

HEIDI: How could anybody be so wicked?

BO PEEP: [sobs] I might never see my poor little lambs again.

HEIDI: Cinderella will be horrified when she finds out what her father’s been up to.

BO PEEP: She already knows. He evicted her and Prince Charming from their palace, for failing to pay capital gains tax.

HEIDI: Poor Cinders. Her father’s turned even nastier than her wicked stepmother.

JACK: And her Fairy Godmother can’t help her out this time.

HEIDI: Why not?

JILL: The Baron confiscated her magic wand for refusing to pay a new spell tax.

Enter Little Boy Blue [SL] wailing.

BOY BLUE: It’s not fair, what am I going to do now?

JACK: It looks like Little Boy Blue could be the Baron’s latest victim.

JILL: What’s happened to you, Little Boy Blue?

BOY BLUE: I was on my way to Old McDonald’s farm as usual, when I bumped into Baron Hardup and his bailiffs.

JACK: Let me guess. He said you owed lots of taxes?

BOY BLUE: Yes, and when I couldn’t pay up he confiscated my solid silver horn.

HEIDI: No wonder you’re upset.

BOY BLUE: Now the sheep are in meadow and the cows are in the corn, and without my horn I can’t call them.

JILL: Couldn’t you use a loudhailer instead?

BOY BLUE: Can you imagine all the little children singing, ‘Little Boy Blue, come blow your loudhailer?’ The whole integrity of the rhyme would be ruined.

HEIDI: People are leaving Pantoland because they can’t afford all the new taxes.

JACK: At this rate, there’ll soon be nobody left.

JILL: Something must be done to stop the Baron.

HEIDI: Yes Jill, but what can we do?

Enter Mother Goose from cottage.

M. GOOSE: Why are you all congregating outside my house? Has my chimney fallen down or something?

HEIDI: No mum, we’re just discussing what to do about old Baron Hardup.

M. GOOSE: What’s the old reprobate been up to now?

JACK: He’s out collecting taxes with his bailiffs.

JILL: And if you can’t pay up, his bailiffs confiscate your stuff or evict you.

BO PEEP: He’s confiscated all my little lambs.

BOY BLUE: And my silver horn.

M. GOOSE: The rotten swine! And to think I almost married him.

HEIDI: I didn’t know that mum!

M. GOOSE: He proposed to me when I was young and fancy-free, but I turned him down because I still had lots of wild oats to sow. And I’m glad I did now.

JACK: We need somewhere safe to hide from him and his bailiffs.

M. GOOSE: Take them to The Seven Dwarf’s cottage, Heidi. It’s been empty ever since Dopey won the lottery and bought a big house in…[local posh area]

HEIDI: Yes, mum. Follow me everybody.

Exit Heidi, Jack and Jill, Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue [SR]

CHORUS 1: I’m going to barricade my home, to stop the Baron taking all my stuff.

CHORUS 2: Maybe you should do likewise Mother Goose.

Exit Chorus [SR]

M. GOOSE: I’d like to see the Baron try and get his hands on my bits and pieces. [hoists bosom] Do excuse my appearance. I had a bit of a lie-in this morning after being out clubbing all night at…[local club] Have any of you been there? It’s brill, isn’t it? And NHS Direct said the loss of hearing, should only be temporary. Has anybody seen my son Billy? Or ‘Silly Billy’, as everybody calls him. That’s because he has the IQ of a squashed grape. He’s gone to market to sell some goose eggs, and I’m hoping to get enough to pay my council tax. I’d better get back inside, Little Tommy Tucker is waiting for his breakfast. See you all later! [exits inside]

Enter Silly Billy [SL]

SILLY BILLY: Hiya folks! I’m Billy Goose! Most people call me, ‘Silly Billy’, but I don’t think that’s fair because I’m quite clever really. For instance, I’ve just had an accident with two dozen goose eggs, and they all got smashed. But I didn’t want mum finding out so, I bought two dozen eggs from Tesco and sold them at market instead. Wasn’t that clever of me? Oh, hang on. I sold the eggs for less than I paid Tesco. [goofy face] What am I like? Maybe I deserve to be called ‘Silly Billy’ after all. I tell you what. If you hear me say, ‘what am I like?’ Will you all shout back, you’re a ‘Silly Billy?’ And it’ll remind me not to be silly in future. Let’s have a practice then. What am I like? Fantastic!