Trouble In Pantoland

Scene One

Outside Mother Goose’s Cottage

Heidi and Villagers are onstage. Music cue 3: Heidi and Villagers. After song ends…

Jack and Jill enter (SR) both are looking rather glum.

Villager 1

Look everybody! It’s Jack and Jill, the water fetchers!

Villager 2

(to Jack & Jill) Hello you two.

Jack & Jill

(glumly) Oh, hello.

Villager 3

(to Jack & Jill) What’s the matter guys? You both look a bit down-in-the-mouth.

Villager 4

You haven’t fallen down that steep hill again, have you?

Jack

No. After that happened, health and safety made the council install a flight of non-slip steps and a handrail, all the way to the top of the hill.

Jill

It’s certainly made our water fetching job a lot easier, I can tell you.

Heidi

Then why are you both looking so glum?

Jack

It’s old Baron Hardup, Heidi. Ever since he became the tax-collector for Pantoland, he’s turned really mean and nasty.

Jill

He turns up with his bailiffs and demands payment, and if you don’t pay up they confiscate your stuff. He took our buckets away.

Heidi

But Baron Hardup’s always been such a nice kindly old gentleman.

Jack

Well he’s changed for the worst and is now the scourge of Pantoland.

Jill

Residents are leaving, because they can’t afford the constant tax rises.

Jack

Goody Two Shoes, Humpty Dumpty, and Mother Hubbard, to mention just a few.

Jill

If this carries on for much longer, there’ll be nobody left in Pantoland.

Little Bo Peep enters (SL) crying.

Villager 1

What’s the matter Little Bo Peep?

Bo peep

I couldn’t pay my new tax bill, so Baron Hardup confiscated all my little lambs.

Villager 2

Oh no, that’s terrible!

Villager 3

What’s he going to do with them?

Bo Peep

He said if I didn’t pay up by tomorrow, they’ll all end up in shepherd’s pies. I’m afraid I might never see my poor little lambs ever again. (cries again)

Villager 4

How could anybody be so mean?

Heidi

Cinderella will be horrified when she discovers what her father’s been doing.

Bo Peep

She already knows. The Baron’s threatened to evict her and Prince Charming from their palace, if they don’t pay their capital gains tax.

Heidi

Poor Cinderella. Her own father’s turning out to be even nastier, than her wicked stepmother was.

Jack

It’s true. And not even her Fairygodmother can help her this time.

Heidi

Why not?

Jill

She’s had to pawn her wand, after the Baron introduced a new spell tax.

Heidi

There must be something we can do to stop the Baron.

Jack

Well the moment you think of something, be sure and let us know.

Bo peep

Without my little lambs to look after, there’s nothing to keep me in Pantoland.

Heidi

But where would you go, Bo Peep?

Bo Peep

I don’t know. But I can’t stay here without my little lambs. (cries again)

Little Boy Blue enters (SL)

Boy Blue

(wailing) It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!

Jill

It looks like Little Boy Blue could be the latest victim of Baron Hardup.

Jack

What’s happened to you, Little Boy Blue?

Boy Blue

I was on my way to Old McDonald’s farm as usual, when I bumped into Baron Hardup and his bailiffs. He said I owed lots of back taxes, and when I said I couldn’t pay. He confiscated my solid-silver horn. Now the sheep are in meadow and the cows are in the corn, but without my horn I can’t call them.

Heidi

Couldn’t you use a loud-hailer instead?

Boy Blue

Yes, but can you imagine all the little children singing. ‘Little Boy Blue, come blow your loud-hailer’? The whole integrity of the rhyme would be compromised.

Heidi

(non-plussed) Er…yes…quite.

Mother Goose enters from the cottage.

M. Goose

Hello, what’s going on here then? Why are you all congregating outside my house? Has my chimney fallen down or something?

Jill

No, Mother Goose. We were just discussing what to do about old Baron Hardup.

M. Goose

What’s the old reprobate been up to now?

Jack

He’s out collecting taxes with his bailiffs.

Jill

And if you don’t have the money, he’s taking it in kind.

Bo Peep

He’s already confiscated all my little lambs.

Boy Blue

And my solid-silver horn.

M. Goose

Why, the rotten swine! And to think I once considered marrying him.

Heidi 
(shocked) You did?

M. Goose

Oh yes, he proposed to me years ago. But I was young and fancy-free, with plenty more wild oats to sow and I turned him down. And seeing how nasty he’s turned out, I’m glad I did. He’s due to collect my council tax today, and could turn up at any moment. If I were you, I’d scarper before he cops you again. And don’t worry. Sooner or later, the Baron will get his comeuppance.

Jack
We could do with somewhere to hide, while we wait for the Baron to get his comeuppance.

M. Goose

(to Heidi) Take them all The Seven Dwarf’s cottage, Heidi. That’s been empty ever since Dopey won the lottery and bought a big house in…(name of local posh area) They should be safe there for now.

Heidi

Yes, mum. (to the others) Come with me everybody.

Heidi exits (SR) with the others leaving Mother Goose alone onstage.

Villager 1

I’m off to barricade my home, to stop the Baron’s bailiff’s taking all my stuff.

Villager 2

Me too!

Villager 3

And me!

Villager 4

(to M. Goose) Maybe you should do likewise, Mother Goose.

The Villagers exit (SR)

M. Goose

(to audience) I’d like to see the Baron try and get his hands on my bits and pieces. (preening) Do excuse my appearance. I’m usually up at the crack of dawn, but I’ve had a bit of a lie-in this morning ‘cos I’ve been out clubbing all night at…(local nightclub) Have any of you lot been there? It’s great isn’t it. And NHS Direct said the loss of hearing and constant ringing, should only be temporary. Have you all come to watch the panto then? (audience respond) Dressed like that some of you ought to be in it. Now has anybody seen my son, Billy? Or ‘Silly Billy’ as everybody calls him. That’s because he has the lowest IQ in Pantoland. He’s so stupid he makes Simple Simon look like a genius. Only he went to market this morning to sell a load of goose eggs, and he isn’t back yet. I’m a goose farmer you see, and I’m hoping to sell them and get enough money to pay my taxes. Well I can’t stand here gabbing all day, my nephew Little Tommy Tucker is waiting to sing for his breakfast. Ta-ra then, see you all later! (exits into cottage)

Billy enters (SL)

Billy

Hiya folks! I’m Billy Goose! Some people call me ‘Silly Billy’, but that’s not fair, because I’m very clever really. For instance. I’ve just had an accident with the goose eggs mum asked me to sell at market, and they all got smashed. But I don’t want mum to find out, ‘cos she’d only shout at me. So, I bought six dozen from Asda and sold them at market instead. Now that’s what I call clever thinking. (thinks) Hang on a minute. I got less for the eggs at market than I paid for them. (pulls a goofy face) Gosh, what am I like? Maybe I deserve to be called ‘Silly Billy’ after all. I tell you what. Anytime you hear me say ‘what am I like’? I want you all shout back, ‘you’re a Silly Billy’ and it’ll remind me not to be silly in future. Will you do that? (audience respond) Practice time then. (exits and re-enters) What am I like? (audience respond) Great!

Music cue 4: Fairy Snow enters (SR)

Billy

(surprised) Eh-up! (to Fairy) Are you the tooth fairy! ‘Cos if you are, you owe me a lot of back payments.

Fairy Snow

I’m not the tooth fairy, I’m Fairy Snow,
Here to join your little show.
I’ll flit about from scene to scene,
Keeping everything nice and clean.

Billy

‘Fairy Snow’? Sorry missus, mum only uses Bold.

Fairy Snow

I’m the good panto fairy!

Billy

If it’s a ‘good’ panto you’re after, then you’re in the wrong show love.

Fairy Snow
Don’t be silly Billy.

Billy

How do you know my name?

Fairy Snow

I’ve read the script, dear.

Billy

So have I and I don’t recall seeing a fairy in the cast.

Fairy Snow

I’m not in the cast Billy. I’m a real live Fairy.

Billy

Get away! You mean you can do real magic and stuff?

Fairy Snow

Absolutely! Would you like me to give you a little demonstration?

Billy

Well I could do with six dozen goose eggs, to replace the ones that got smashed. Do you think you could manage that?

Fairy Snow

Yes but it’s not much of a challenge, is it? How about I make a nice goose appear instead?

Billy

Well that would certainly please mum. (to audience) At least then, she might forgive me for breaking all the eggs.

Fairy Snow

Right, now let me see…(thinks)

Billy

What’s to see? Just wave your wand thingy about and make it happen.

Fairy Snow

Be quiet, Billy. I’m trying to remember the spell I need. (thinks some more)

Billy

(impatient) Please hurry, before mum shows up.

Fairy Snow

All right, there’s no need to keep ‘egging’ me on. (to audience) ‘Egging’ me on? Oh, please yourselves. (exclaims) I’ve got it!

Billy

(stands back) Well I hope it isn’t some strange catchable fairy disease.

Fairy Snow

I’ll wave my wand and then produce,
A very special, snow white goose. (waves her wand)

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash (SL)

Priscilla enters (SL)