Trouble In Pantoland

SCENE ONE

OUTSIDE MOTHER GOOSE’S COTTAGE

Music cue 2: Heidi and Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Jack and Jill [SR] looking glum.

CHORUS 1: Look everybody, it’s Jack and Jill.

CHORUS 2: How’s the water fetching business going, guys?

NICK & NACK: [glum] Terrible.

CHORUS 3: How come?

CHORUS 4: You haven’t fallen down that steep hill again, have you?

JACK: No, after that happened, health and safety made the council install a flight of steps and a handrail all the way to the top.

JILL: It’s certainly made our water fetching a lot easier, I can tell you.

HEIDI: Then why are you both looking so glum?

JACK: Baron Hardup has just confiscated our water buckets.

JILL: And now we can’t make a living fetching water for people.

HEIDI: But Baron Hardup’s always been such a kindly old gentleman.

JACK: Ever since becoming Pantoland’s new tax-collector, he’s turned nasty.

JILL: He turns up with his bailiffs and demands payment on the spot.

JACK: And if you can’t pay up, his bailiffs confiscate your belongings or evict you.

HEIDI: That’s terrible!

JILL: People are leaving because they can’t afford all these new taxes.

JACK: At this rate, there’ll soon be nobody left in Pantoland.

Enter Little Bo Peep [SL] crying.

CHORUS: It’s Little Bo Peep!

HEIDI: Why are you crying, Bo Peep?

BO PEEP: Baron Hardup confiscated my little lambs because I couldn’t pay my taxes.

HEIDI: No wonder you’re upset.

BO PEEP: He said if I don’t pay up by tomorrow, they’ll all end up in shepherd’s pies.

HEIDI: How could anybody be so wicked?

BO PEEP: [sobs] I might never see my poor little lambs again.

HEIDI: Cinderella will be horrified when she finds out what her father’s been up to.

BO PEEP: She already knows. He evicted her and Prince Charming from their palace, for failing to pay capital gains tax.

HEIDI: Poor Cinders. Her father has turned even nastier than her wicked stepmother.

JACK: And her Fairy Godmother can’t help her this time.

HEIDI: Why not?

JILL: The Baron confiscated her magic wand for refusing to pay a new spell tax.

JACK: Something must be done to stop him.

HEIDI: But what can we do, Jack?

Enter Little Boy Blue [SL] wailing.

BOY BLUE: It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!

JILL: It looks like Little Boy Blue could be the Baron’s latest victim.

JACK: What’s happened to you, Little Boy Blue?

BOY BLUE: I was on my way to Old McDonald’s farm, when I bumped into Baron Hardup and his bailiffs.

JILL: Let me guess. He said you owed lots of taxes?

BOY BLUE: Yes, and when I couldn’t pay up he confiscated my solid silver horn.

HEIDI: That’s a really mean thing to do.

BOY BLUE: Now the sheep are in meadow and the cows are in the corn, and without my horn I can’t call them.

JACK: Couldn’t you use a loudhailer instead?

BOY BLUE: Can you imagine little children singing, ‘Little Boy Blue, come blow your loudhailer’? The whole integrity of the rhyme would be ruined.

Enter Mother Goose from cottage.

M. GOOSE: Why are you all congregating outside my house? Has my chimney fallen down or something?

HEIDI: No mum, we’re just discussing what to do about old Baron Hardup.

M. GOOSE: What’s he been up to now?

JACK: He’s out collecting taxes with his bailiffs.

JILL: And if you can’t pay up, his bailiffs confiscate your stuff or evict you.

BO PEEP: He’s confiscated all my little lambs.

BOY BLUE: And my silver horn.

M. GOOSE: The rotten swine! And to think I almost married him.

HEIDI: I didn’t know that mum!

M. GOOSE: He proposed to me when I was young and fancy-free, but I turned him down because I still had lots of wild oats to sow. And I’m glad I did now.

JACK: We need somewhere safe to hide from him and his bailiffs.

M. GOOSE: Take them to The Seven Dwarf’s cottage, Heidi. It’s been empty ever since Dopey won the lottery and bought a big house in…[local posh area]

HEIDI: Yes, mum. Follow me everybody.

Exit Heidi, Jack and Jill, Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue [SR]

CHORUS 1: I’m going to barricade my home, to stop the Baron taking all my stuff.

CHORUS 2: Maybe you should do likewise Mother Goose.

Exit Chorus [SR]

M. GOOSE: I’d like to see the Baron try and get his hands on my bits and pieces. [hoists bosom] Do excuse my appearance. I had a bit of a lie-in this morning after being out clubbing all night at…[local club] Have any of you been there? It’s brill, isn’t it? And NHS Direct said the loss of hearing and constant ringing, should only be temporary. Has anybody seen my son Billy? Or Silly Billy, as everybody calls him. That’s because he has the IQ of a squashed grape. He’s gone to market to sell a load of goose eggs, and I’m hoping to get enough to pay my council tax. I’d better get back inside, Little Tommy Tucker is waiting for his breakfast. See you all later! [exits inside]

Enter Silly Billy [SL]

SILLY BILLY: Hiya folks! I’m Billy Goose! Most people call me Silly Billy, but I don’t think that’s fair because I’m quite clever really. For instance, I’ve just had an accident with two dozen goose eggs, and they all got smashed. But I don’t want mum finding out, so I bought two dozen eggs from Tesco and sold them at market instead. Wasn’t that clever of me? Oh, hang on. I sold the eggs for less than I paid Tesco. [goofy face] What am I like? Maybe I deserve to be called Silly Billy after all. I tell you what. Anytime you hear me say, what am I like? Will you all shout back, you’re a Silly Billy? And it’ll remind me not to be silly in future. Let’s have a practice then. What am I like? Fantastic!