Trouble In Pantoland

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SKU: TroubleinpantolandPS Category:

Description

Synopsis:

Baron Hardup who was once the nicest man in Pantoland, turns into the nastiest, after becoming the new tax-collector. And his bailiffs are taking payment in kind from anybody who don’t pay up. Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep. Little Boy Blue’s horn has been confiscated and Mother Goose is being threatened with eviction. But things are not what they seem, and the reason for the Baron’s sudden change becomes clear, when the evil Witch Grizelda is revealed to be the power behind the throne.

Roles:

11 principals plus several minor speaking roles, a goose and a chorus.

Runtime:

All of our scripts have a runtime of under 2hrs (not including any interval) But this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.

Music:

All of our pantomimes come with a full, suggested songs and music cues and SFX list.

Style:

Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample

Characters

Mother Goose
Silly Billy
Heidi
Peter Pan
Baron Hardup
Nick
Nack
Fairy Snow
Grizelda
Little Tommy Tucker

Chorus/Minor roles

Priscilla The Goose
Jack
Jill
Little Bo Peep
Little Boy Blue
The Witch from Oz
Villager;, Guards; Fairies; etc.

Scene One

Outside Mother Goose’s Cottage

Music cue 2: Heidi and Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Jack and Jill (SR) looking glum.

CHORUS 1: Look everybody, it’s Jack and Jill.

CHORUS 2: How’s the water fetching business, guys?

JACK & JILL: (glum) Terrible.

CHORUS 3: How come?

CHORUS 4: You haven’t fallen down that steep hill again, have you?

JACK: No. After that happened, health and safety made the council install a flight of steps and a handrail, all the way to the top.

JILL: It certainly made our water fetching a lot easier, I can tell you.

HEIDI: Then why are you both looking glum?

JACK: Baron Hardup has just confiscated our water buckets.

JILL: And now we can’t make a living fetching water for people.

HEIDI: But Baron Hardup’s always been such a kindly old gentleman.

JACK: Ever since becoming Pantoland’s new tax-collector, he’s turned nasty.

JILL: He turns up with his bailiffs and demands payment on the spot.

JACK: And if you can’t pay up, his bailiffs confiscate your belongings and evict you.

HEIDI: That’s terrible!

JILL: People are leaving Pantoland because they can’t afford all the new taxes.

JACK: At this rate, there’ll soon be nobody left in Pantoland.

Enter Little Bo Peep (SL) crying.

CHORUS: It’s Little Bo Peep!

HEIDI: Why are you crying, Bo Peep?

BO PEEP: Baron Hardup confiscated my little lambs because I couldn’t pay my taxes.

HEIDI: No wonder you’re upset.

BO PEEP: He said if I don’t pay up by tomorrow, they’ll end up in shepherd’s pies.

HEIDI: How could anybody be so wicked?

BO PEEP: (sobs) I might never see my poor little lambs again.

HEIDI: Cinderella will be horrified when she discovers what her father’s been up to.

BO PEEP: She already knows. He evicted her and Prince Charming from their palace, for failing to pay capital gains tax.

HEIDI: Poor Cinderella. Her father has turned nastier than her wicked stepmother.

JACK: And her Fairy Godmother can’t help her this time.

HEIDI: Why not?

JILL: The Baron confiscated her magic wand for refusing to pay the new spell tax.

JACK: Something must be done to stop him.

HEIDI: But what can we do, Jack?

Enter Little Boy Blue (SL) wailing.

BOY BLUE: It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!

JILL: It looks like Little Boy Blue could be the Baron’s latest victim.

JACK: What’s happened to you, Little Boy Blue?

BOY BLUE: I was on my way to Old McDonald’s farm, when I bumped into Baron Hardup and his bailiffs.

JILL: Let me guess. He said you owed lots of taxes?

BOY BLUE: Yes, and when I couldn’t pay up he confiscated my silver horn.

HEIDI: That’s awful.

BOY BLUE: Now the sheep are in meadow and the cows are in the corn, and without my horn I can’t call them.

JACK: Couldn’t you use a loudhailer instead?

BOY BLUE: Can you imagine children singing, ‘Little Boy Blue, come blow your loudhailer’? The whole integrity of the rhyme would be ruined.

Enter Mother Goose from cottage.

M. GOOSE: Why are you all congregating outside my house? Has my chimney fallen off or something?

HEIDI: No, mum. We’re just discussing what to do about old Baron Hardup.

M. GOOSE: What’s he been up to now?

JACK: He’s out collecting taxes with his bailiffs.

JILL: And if you can’t pay, his bailiffs confiscate your stuff and evict you.

BO PEEP: He’s confiscated all my little lambs.

BOY BLUE: And my silver horn.

M. GOOSE: The rotten swine! And to think I almost married him.

HEIDI: I never knew that mum!

M. GOOSE: He proposed to me when I was young and fancy-free, but I turned him down. And seeing what he’s become, I’m glad I did.

JACK: We need somewhere to hide from him and his bailiffs.

M. GOOSE: Take everybody to The Seven Dwarf’s cottage Heidi. It’s been empty ever since Dopey won the lottery and bought a big house in…(local posh area)

HEIDI: Yes, mum. Follow me everybody.

Exit Heidi, Jack and Jill, Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue (SR)

CHORUS 1: I’m going to barricade my home, to stop the Baron taking my stuff.

M. GOOSE: Maybe you should do likewise Mother Goose.

CHORUS 2: Exit Chorus (SR)

M. GOOSE: I’d like to see Baron Hardup try and get his hands on my bits and pieces. (hoists bosom) Do excuse my appearance. I had a bit of a lie-in this morning after being out clubbing all night at…(local club) Have any of you been there? It’s brill, isn’t it? And NHS Direct said the loss of hearing and constant ringing, should only be temporary. Has anybody seen my son Billy? Or Silly Billy, as everybody calls him. That’s because he has the IQ of a squashed tomato. He’s gone to market to sell a load of goose eggs, for me, and I’m hoping to get enough to pay my council tax. Anyway, I’d better get back inside. Little Tommy Tucker is waiting for his breakfast. See you later! (exits inside)

Enter Silly Billy (SL)

SILLY BILLY: Hiya folks! I’m Billy Goose! Some people call me, Silly Billy. But I don’t think that’s fair because I’m quite clever really. For instance, I’ve just had an accident with two dozen goose eggs mum asked me to sell at market, and they all got smashed. But I don’t want mum finding out, so I bought two dozen eggs from Tesco and sold them at market instead. Wasn’t that clever of me? (a beat) Hang on. I sold the eggs for less than I paid Tesco. (goofy face) What am I like? Maybe I deserve to be called Silly Billy, after all. I tell you what. Anytime you hear me say, what am I like? I want you all shout back, you’re a Silly Billy! And it’ll remind me not to be silly in future. Will you do that? Practice time then. (exits and re-enters) What am I like? Fantastic!

Music cue 3: Enter Fairy Snow (SR)

FAIRY: Hello once again everyone,

I trust you’re having lots of fun.

SILLY BILLY: Are you the tooth fairy? ‘Cos if you are, you owe me a lot of back payments.

FAIRY: I’m not the tooth fairy, I’m Fairy Snow,

And I’m here to join your little show.

I’ll flit about from scene to scene,

Keeping everything nice and clean.

SILLY BILLY: Fairy Snow? Mum prefers Bold.

FAIRY: No wonder they call you Silly Billy.

SILLY BILLY: How did you know my name?

FAIRY: I’ve read the script.

SILLY BILLY: So, have I. And I don’t recall seeing a fairy in the cast.

FAIRY: I’m not in the cast Billy – I’m a real live Fairy.

SILLY BILLY: Get away! Can you do magic and stuff?

FAIRY: Of course. Would you like a demonstration?

SILLY BILLY: What kind of demonstration?

FAIRY: Think of something you’d like me to do.

SILLY BILLY: How about magicking up two dozen goose eggs, to replace the ones I smashed. Do you think you could manage that?

FAIRY: Yes, but it’s not much of a challenge, is it?

SILLY BILLY: Then how about making an elephant appear?

FAIRY: I doubt the stage could take the weight, Billy.

SILLY BILLY: It manages to take mum’s all right.

FAIRY: How about I make a nice goose appear instead?

SILLY BILLY: That will please mum. She might even forgive me for breaking all those eggs.

FAIRY: Now, let me think…

SILLY BILLY: What’s to think about? Just wave your wand and make it happen.

FAIRY: I’m trying to remember the spell I need.

SILLY BILLY: Please hurry, before mum shows up.

FAIRY: Don’t egg me on Billy. (to audience) Egg me on? Please yourselves. (suddenly) I’ve got it, Billy!

SILLY BILLY: (moves back) I hope it’s not a catchable fairy disease!

FAIRY: A bird in the hand is worth two they say,

And this one I promise won’t fly away.

I’ll wave my wand and then produce,

A very special, snow white goose. (waves her wand)

SFX: Pyro flash (SL)

Enter Priscilla (SL)

SILLY BILLY: Blimey! I’ve never seen one as big as that before!

Exit Fairy Snow (SR) unnoticed by Billy.

SILLY BILLY: You really did it, Mrs Fairy! (turns) Where did she go? (calls) Mrs Fairy! She’s probably returned to Fairyland. You’re a bit of a funny looking goose, aren’t you? But who cares, as long as you can lay lots of eggs for us.

Priscilla moves away upstage.

Enter Mother Goose from the cottage. She doesn’t notice Priscilla.

M. GOOSE: I thought I heard voices. Who were you talking to just now Billy?

SILLY BILLY: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, mum.

M. GOOSE: Try me.

SILLY BILLY: It was a fairy.

M. GOOSE: You’re right, I don’t believe you. Did you sell all the goose eggs, Billy?

SILLY BILLY: No mum, I’m afraid I dropped them, and they got scrambled.

M. GOOSE: Like your brain! I told you to be eggstra careful because I half eggspected this to happen. Now eggsplain yourself.

SILLY BILLY: Sorry mum, it was an accident.

M. GOOSE: Just like you were.

SILLY BILLY: What do you mean by that, mum?

M. GOOSE: Never mind Billy, it was a long time ago and I was young and foolish.

SILLY BILLY: (aside to audience) And now she’s old and totally stupid.

M. GOOSE: Thanks to you, we’ve got no money. How am I going pay my council tax now?

SILLY BILLY: Don’t worry mum I didn’t come back empty-handed.

M. GOOSE: I don’t see anything in your hands. They’re as empty as your head.

SILLY BILLY: I got us another goose and it’s a whopper.

M. GOOSE: And you can certainly tell them. Where is this goose then?

SILLY BILLY: She’s right behind you, mum.

M. GOOSE: (turns) Woah! You weren’t kidding! You didn’t get it from that farm next to the Nuclear re-processing plant, did you?

SILLY BILLY: No mum. A nice fairy used her magic to make it appear.

M. GOOSE: (sniffs him) Have you been drinking, Billy?

SILLY BILLY: No, mum. She’s called Fairy Snow and she was real!

M. GOOSE: Rubbish! Everybody knows fairies don’t exist.

SILLY BILLY: Oh yes, they do! (to audience) Don’t they?

M. GOOSE: I’m not arguing with idiots. Bring the goose inside and I’ll light the stove.

SILLY BILLY: (horrified) You’re not thinking of cooking her, are you mum!?

M. GOOSE: Don’t talk daft. The only goose that will be cooked is yours, if you don’t start making yourself a bit more useful.

SILLY BILLY: What shall we call her, mum?

M. GOOSE: I think I’ll call her, Priscilla. Do you like your new name, Priscilla? (Priscilla nods and presses against her) I think she likes me. Would you like some porridge to eat? (Priscilla nods) Then come inside and I’ll make you some.

SILLY BILLY: Can I have some porridge too, mum?

M. GOOSE: I’m afraid there isn’t enough to go around, Billy.

SILLY BILLY: But I haven’t had breakfast yet and I’m starving!

M. GOOSE: You can lick the bowl after Priscilla’s finished with it.

SILLY BILLY: I think I’ll pass.

M. GOOSE: Suit yourself. Now hurry up and bring Priscilla inside.

Exit all into the cottage.

Enter Baron Hardup (SL)

BARON: (to audience) Greetings taxpayers. I’m Baron Hardup, and I’ve come to collect Mother Gooses’ rent. I’m also interested in her beautiful daughter Heidi, and if everything goes to plan she will soon be my wife. (knocks on door) Mother Goose, I’ve come for your taxes!

M. GOOSE: (off) This is a recording. Mother Goose is unavailable to answer the door right now. Please leave your message after the tone – beeeeep!

BARON: I know you’re in there, Mother Goose! Now, Stop mucking about and open this door before I smash it in!

M. GOOSE: (flings open door) You do, and I’ll smash your face in!

BARON: Calm down dear, it’s only a panto and we don’t want any unpleasantness.

M. GOOSE: You’re the only unpleasantness around here.

BARON: Can’t we talk this through calmly, face to face?

M. GOOSE: Certainly. Which of your faces would you like me to talk to?

BARON: Listen, you old battle-axe! You owe loads of tax and I’m here to collect.

M. GOOSE: And what if I can’t pay up?

BARON: Then I’ll evict you and sell off your cottage!

M. GOOSE: But I’m just a poor lonely widow. With the empathise on poor? I don’t have any financial means of support, and my late husband didn’t leave me anything after he died. Apart from a framed photo of the Earth taken from space. That photo means the world to me.

BARON: Didn’t he have life any insurance?

M. GOOSE: He couldn’t get any.

BARON: How come?

M. GOOSE: He didn’t have enough life in him to warrant cover.

BARON: What about a workplace pension?

M. GOOSE: He never worked a day in his life. He was that lazy moss used to grow on him.

BARON: How did he die?

M. GOOSE: He stopped breathing.

BARON: Obviously. But what caused him to stop breathing?

M. GOOSE: I told you he was lazy, didn’t I?

BARON: I’m not interested in your backstory. Now, are you going to pay up or not?

M. GOOSE: How much do I owe?

BARON: Five-hundred pounds.

M. GOOSE: Five-hundred pounds! I don’t have that sort of money!

BARON: What sort of do you have?

M. GOOSE: Only Monopoly money.

BARON: I’m not playing silly games! Now, pay up or else!

M. GOOSE: Do you take Bitcoin?

BARON: No, I only accept whole coins.

M. GOOSE: Are you sure there hasn’t been a mistake?

BARON: No, I have all the details right here. Let me see now – there’s the income tax.

M. GOOSE: I don’t have any income.

BARON: Purchase tax.

M. GOOSE: If I don’t have any income, how can I purchase anything?

BARON: Tobacco tax.

M. GOOSE: I don’t smoke.

BARON: Alcohol tax.

M. GOOSE: I don’t drink – well, only for medicinal purposes.

BARON: And finally, the poll tax.

M. GOOSE: You know where you can stick that.

BARON: Behave yourself!

M. GOOSE: And that lot comes to five-hundred pounds, does it?

BARON: No, it comes to four-hundred pounds.

M. GOOSE: So, what’s the rest for?

BARON: Vat.

M. GOOSE: What’s vat?

BARON: It’s the other tax.

M. GOOSE: I knew they were taxing this and that, but I didn’t know they were taxing the other as well.

BARON: Have you got the money to pay your taxes, or not?

M. GOOSE: You must be joking. I’ve not been able to sell any eggs recently. All I seem to do is shell out, and I haven’t been able to lay anything away for a rainy day. (to audience) I hope you’re keeping count of all these eggs jokes.

BARON: In that case I’ll be taking your cottage in lieu.

M. GOOSE: Oh no, please don’t take my loo! What if I’m caught short?

BARON: You just have been, which is why I’m evicting you.

M. GOOSE: You and whose army?

BARON: My bailiffs will be back to evict you. (to audience) And you’re all next on my tax-collecting list. (exits SL laughing)

M. GOOSE: (overacting) What am I going to do? Me, a poor lonely widow thrown out, onto the cold hard unforgiving streets. Where can I go? Who will take us in and give us shelter? Woe is me! (to audience) This is heart-rending stuff, isn’t it? Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Enter Heidi (SR)

HEIDI: What’s wrong mum? Why are you so upset?

M. GOOSE: It’s Baron Hardup. He’s threatening to throw us out of our lovely home, just because I can’t pay my taxes.

HEIDI: Not us as well. This is getting serious, mum.

M. GOOSE: If we’re evicted, what will happen to Little Tommy and Billy?

HEIDI: Cousin Tommy’s only visiting. And Billy’s old enough to look after himself.

M. GOOSE: Don’t talk daft, Heidi. Billy couldn’t look after a plant – he’s a complete idiot!

HEIDI: What are you going to do, mum?

M. GOOSE: I won’t give Baron Hardup the satisfaction of evicting us. I’ll leave first.

HEIDI: It’s going to be hard leaving the only home I’ve ever known.

M. GOOSE: My parents moved home a lot when I was a child. But I always managed to find them. I’m going inside to start packing. You keep a look out for the Baron’s bailiff’s and warn me if you spot them coming up the road. (exits inside)

HEIDI: Pantoland used to be the happiest place in the world. But if Baron Hardup has his way, it will soon become the most miserable. (exits SR)