SCENE ONE
THE BENBOW INN
Music cue 1: Serving Girls. After song ends…Exit Serving Girls [SL]
Enter Henrietta [SR]
HENRIETTA: Hello, and welcome to The Admiral Benbow! I’m Henrietta Hawkins, and I’m a widow. My late husband was a sailor, whose ship sank with all hands, leaving me to run this pub with my son, Jim. Our customers are mostly pirates, who mostly drink rum. But I’m not making enough money, so I’ve stopped selling spirits and sell our homebrew instead. If you hear anybody say, ‘I’ll have a stiff one’. I want you all to shout, ‘not in here, you won’t’! Let’s have a practice. ‘I’ll have a stiff one’. Fantastic! Tonight’s karaoke’s been cancelled, but you can still have a singalong. If you hear anybody singing #fifteen men on a dead man’s chest# join in by singing, #yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum# I’m off to ring Dr Livesey about a personal matter. [exits SL]
Enter Jim and Maggie arm-in-arm [SR]
JIM: Your father’s forbidden us to see each other, Maggie, just because I’m poor.
MAGGIE: It’s so unfair, Jim; money shouldn’t matter where love is concerned.
JIM: I agree, Maggie, but I think he’ll change his tune soon.
MAGGIE: Have you won the lottery, Jim!?
JIM: No, but I’m hoping to become even richer than a lottery winner.
MAGGIE: But how, Jim?
JIM: I intend to go to sea and make my fortune by finding treasure.
MAGGIE: Sunken treasure?
JIM: Sunken, lost, buried, lying about on the ground. Any kind of treasure, really.
MAGGIE: Wouldn’t it be safer trying to find it on dry land, Jim?
JIM: Don’t worry, Maggie, ships are very safe these days.
MAGGIE: But didn’t your father die at sea?
JIM: Yes, Maggie, but that was a freak accident.
MAGGIE: What happened to him?
JIM: His ship sank.
MAGGIE: Doesn’t that happen often, Jim?
JIM: No, Maggie, ships usually only sink the once.
MAGGIE: But aren’t you afraid we might drift apart?
JIM: No, Maggie. In the sea of life you will always be my anchor.
MAGGIE: And you’ll always find safe a harbour in my port, Jim. Music cue 2: Maggie & Jim. After song ends…I’d better be getting home now, Jim.
JIM: Okay, Maggie, I’ll just walk you to the bus stop.
MAGGIE: You can’t do that, Jim.
JIM: Why not?
MAGGIE: Because busses haven’t been invented yet.
JIM: The coach and horses stop, then.
Exit Jim and Maggie [SL]
Enter Henrietta [SR]
HENRIETTA: I thought I heard Jim’s voice just now.
Enter Dr Livesey [SL]
DOCTOR: Good evening, Mrs Hawkins.
HENRIETTA: Dr Livesey, how good of you to call at such short notice.
DOCTOR: Well, it sounded quite urgent. Now, what seems to be the trouble?
HENRIETTA: It’s a bit delicate, Doctor.
DOCTOR: [produces tube of cream] Take this cream and rub it on the affected area.
HENRIETTA: It’s not that this time, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Then what is it?
HENRIETTA: I’m thinking about getting married again, but I don’t want any more kids. What method of birth control would you recommend?
DOCTOR: In your case, leaving the light on.
HENRIETTA: I’ll put yours out in a minute! [coughs roughly]
DOCTOR: Are you all right, Mrs Hawkins?
HENRIETTA: It’s my chest, Doctor, it’s dead rough.
DOCTOR: I can see that.
HENRIETTA: Would you check it for me?
DOCTOR: If I must, but I’ll need a drink first.
HENRIETTA: What would you like, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I’ll have a stiff one.
HENRIETTA: [leads audience] Not in here, you won’t!
DOCTOR: On second thoughts, forget about the drink. I want to get it over with quickly. [stethoscope to her chest] Mmm…ooh…aah!
HENRIETTA: What is it, Doctor Livesey?
DOCTOR: Beg pardon?
HENRIETTA: [shouts into the end of the stethoscope] I said, ‘what is it, Doctor’?
DOCTOR: Aaaah! You could have done me a nasty injury just then, Mrs Hawkins!
HENRIETTA: There’s still time. Now, what did you hear?
DOCTOR: It’s a sort of regular, bom-bom…bom-bom…bom-bom.
HENRIETTA: That’s my heart, you fool!
DOCTOR: I’ve always wondered what that sound was. Close your eyes. [holds a spotted handkerchief in front of her face] What do you see?
HENRIETTA: Nothing.
DOCTOR: Open them again. [she does] Now, what do you see?
HENRIETTA: Spots.
DOCTOR: [shouts in her ear] Do you suffer from headaches?
HENRIETTA: [holding her head] Well, I do now!
DOCTOR: [spins her round] How do you feel, Mrs Hawkins?
HENRIETTA: [wavers] Dizzy.
DOCTOR: Spots before the eyes, headaches, and dizziness? It’s just as I suspected.
HENRIETTA: What is it, Doctor!?
DOCTOR: You’re run down.
HENRIETTA: I knew I’d been working too hard. What do you suggest, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I suggest a long sea voyage. [aside] The longer the better.
HENRIETTA: I’ve always fancied a nice, long sea cruise.
Enter Jim [SL]
JIM: Did somebody mention a sea cruise?
HENRIETTA: Dr Livesey says I’m run down, Jim, and recommends a long sea cruise.
JIM: I’ll come too, Mum. I might even find buried treasure on a deserted island.
HENRIETTA: I’d prefer somewhere a bit more crowded, Jim. Like Ibiza, for instance.
DOCTOR: I’ll be off then, Mrs Hawkins.
JIM: Before you go, Doctor, I have a little problem of my own. [whispers]
DOCTOR: Don’t worry, Jim lad, you’re young and still growing. Goodnight. [exits SL]
BILLY: [off] #Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest…#
