Treasure Island The Panto

Scene One

The Benbow Inn

Music cue 1: Serving Girls. After song ends…Exit Serving Girls (SL)

Enter Henrietta (SR)

HENRIETTA: Hello folks! Welcome to The Admiral Benbow! If you’ve come for the karaoke, I’m afraid it’s been cancelled. But you can still have a little sing. Whenever you hear the pirate’s song fifteen men on a dead man’s chest! You can all join in and sing, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Let’s have a practice then. Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest! Wonderful! My name’s Henrietta Hawkins and I’m a widow. (elicit sympathy) It’s sadder than that. I’d only been married a fortnight when my sailor husband sailed away leaving me with child. But then his ship sank, and he tragically drowned. I used the insurance money to buy this pub, which I run with the help of my son Jim. By the way, I’ve stopped selling spirits because I make more selling our own homebrew. So, if you hear anybody say I’ll have a stiff one. I want you all to shout, not in here you won’t! Okay? I’m just off to ring Doctor Livesey about a personal matter. See you all later! (exits SL)

Enter Jim and Maggie arm-in-arm (SR)

JIM: Maggie, you know how your father’s forbidden us to see each other because I’m poor?

MAGGIE: Yes Jim, and it’s so unfair. Where love is concerned, money shouldn’t matter.

JIM: Well, I think he’ll soon be changing his tune.

MAGGIE: Have you won the lottery Jim!?

JIM: No, Maggie. But I might soon be even richer than a lottery winner.

MAGGIE: But how, Jim?

JIM: I intend to go to sea and make my fortune, by finding treasure.

MAGGIE: Sunken treasure?

JIM: Sunken, lost, buried. Lying about on the ground. Any kind of treasure, really.

MAGGIE: Gosh, how exciting! Anyway, I must be getting home Jim, or father might come looking for me.

JIM: Okay Maggie, I’ll walk you to the bus stop.

MAGGIE: You can’t do that, Jim.

JIM: Why not, Maggie?

MAGGIE: Because busses haven’t been invented yet?

JIM: The coach and horses stop then.

Exit Jim and Maggie (SL)

Enter Henrietta (SR)

HENRIETTA: I thought I heard Jim’s voice just now.

Enter Dr Livesey (SL)

DOCTOR: Good evening Mrs Hawkins.

HENRIETTA: Dr Livesey, how good of you to call at such short notice.

DOCTOR: It sounded quite urgent. Now, what seems to be the trouble?

HENRIETTA: It’s a bit delicate, Doctor.

DOCTOR: (produces a tube of cream) Take this and rub it on the affected area.

HENRIETTA: It’s not that this time Doctor.

DOCTOR: Then what is it?

HENRIETTA: I’m considering getting remarried, but I don’t want any more kids. What method of birth control would you recommend?

DOCTOR: In your case? Leaving the light on

HENRIETTA: I’ll put yours out in a minute! (coughs roughly)

DOCTOR: Are you all right Mrs Hawkins?

HENRIETTA: It’s my chest, Doctor. It’s terribly rough.

DOCTOR: I can see that.

HENRIETTA: Would you mind having a look at it for me?

DOCTOR: Very well, but I’ll need a drink first.

HENRIETTA: What would you like, Doctor?

DOCTOR: I’ll have a stiff one.

HENRIETTA: (leads audience) Not in here you won’t!

DOCTOR: (produces a stethoscope) On second thoughts, forget the drink. I want to get this over with quickly. (listening to her chest) Mmm…ooh…aah!

HENRIETTA: (worried) What is it Doctor?

DOCTOR: Beg pardon?

HENRIETTA: (shouts into end of stethoscope) What is it!?

DOCTOR: Aaaah! You could’ve done me a nasty injury, Mrs Hawkins!

HENRIETTA: There’s still time. Now, what did you hear?

DOCTOR: It’s a sort of regular, bom-bom…bom-bom…bom-bom.

HENRIETTA: That’s my heart, you fool!

DOCTOR: I’ve always wondered what that sound was. Close your eyes. (she does and he holds a spotted handkerchief in front of her face) What do you see?

HENRIETTA: Nothing.

DOCTOR: Open them again. (she does) Now, what do you see?

HENRIETTA: Spots.

DOCTOR: (removes handkerchief and shouts) Do you suffer from headaches!?

HENRIETTA: (holding her head) I do now!

DOCTOR: (spins her around then stops) How do you feel Mrs Hawkins?

HENRIETTA: (wavers) Dizzy.

DOCTOR: Spots before the eyes, headaches, and dizziness? It’s just as I suspected.

HENRIETTA: What is it Doctor?

DOCTOR: You’re run down.

HENRIETTA: I knew I’d been working too hard. What do you suggest, Doctor?

DOCTOR: I suggest a long sea voyage.

HENRIETTA: Oooh! I’ve always fancied a nice sea-cruise.

Enter Jim (SL)

JIM: Did I hear somebody mention a sea-cruise?

HENRIETTA: Yes, Jim. Doctor Livesey says I’ve been working too hard and recommends a long sea-cruise.

JIM: I’ll come too mum. And who knows, I might even find some buried treasure on a deserted island.

HENRIETTA: Forget deserted islands Jim. I’m thinking of somewhere more crowded – like Ibiza for instance.

DOCTOR: I’ll be off then. Mrs Hawkins.

JIM: Before you go, Doctor. I have a little problem of my own. (whispers)

DOCTOR: Don’t worry Jim lad, you’re young and still growing. Goodnight. (exits SL)

BILLY: (off) Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest…

JIM: What was that?

DOCTOR: It sounded like somebody singing.

BILLY: (off) Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest…

HENRIETTA: Those carol singers get earlier every year. (or ‘it’s a bit late for carol singing’)

Enter Billy Bones (SL)

BILLY: Good evening ma’am. Are you the landlady of this ‘ere inn?

HENRIETTA: Yes, I am. What can I do for you Mr…?

BILLY: Bones. Captain Billy Bones. I’m looking for a berth.

HENRIETTA: In that case you want the maternity ward at…(local hospital)

JIM: I think he means a room, mum.

BILLY: You’re a bright lad, and no mistake.

HENRIETTA: Rooms are fourpence a night. Sixpence if you want sheets and a shilling if you want clean sheets.

BILLY: I’ll take it as it is. An old seadog like me is used to billeting in worse places than this. (rummaging in his trouser pocket) Here, let me give you something.

HENRIETTA: No thanks. Been there, done that and got the ointment.

BILLY: (takes out a gold coin) It’s a piece of eight.

HENRIETTA: Don’t you have a whole one?

JIM: That’s more than enough to pay for a month’s stay, mum!

HENRIETTA: Welcome aboard Admiral! I’ve always loved a naval man. Haven’t I Jim?

JIM: Several, if the number of uncle’s I’ve had is anything to go by.

HENRIETTA: Would you like a bath, Mr Bones?

BILLY: Aye! It’s about time for my annual bath.

HENRIETTA: Give him a bath, Jim?

JIM: Can’t he bath himself mum?

HENRIETTA: A room with a bath, you twit!

JIM: I’ll fetch in the tin-bath from the yard later.

HENRIETTA: Just make sure you tip the coal out first.

JIM: Okay, mum.

HENRIETTA: I’m afraid the only room available is next to the pigsty, Captain Bones.

BILLY: Now worries, ma’am. I’m a country boy, so it’ll be like ‘ome from ‘ome.

HENRIETTA: Are you sure you won’t mind the pong?

BILLY: No, I finds the smell of ammonia clears me old tubes out a treat.

HENRIETTA: I’ll just go and get your room ready, Captain. (exits SR)

BILLY: Now that we’re on our own Jim lad. I’d like ‘ee to do me a little favour.

JIM: (moving away) Mum warned me about sailors like you.

BILLY: Don’t worry, Jim lad. I steers a straight course I do. (produces a coin) Do as I ask, and this shiny gold doubloon is yours.

JIM: And what do I have to do to earn that?

BILLY: I want you to warn me if a one-legged man turns up, asking after me.

JIM: (takes coin) You can rely on me Captain.

Enter Henrietta (SR) wearing a large peg on her nose.

HENRIETTA: Your woom…(removes peg)…I mean room, is ready Captain Bones.

BILLY: Thank ‘ee kindly ma’am.

JIM: Would you like a nightcap before you retire, Captain?

BILLY: Aye, Jim lad. I’ll have a stiff one.

HENRIETTA: (leads audience) Not in here you won’t!

SFX: Howling wind.

Enter Fore and Aft (SL)

FORE: Lock all your windows and doors, there’s a storm a-brewin’!

AFT: (holds arms aloft and sways gently side to side) Whoo-whoo!

FORE: What are you doing?

AFT: I’m showing everybody how strong the wind is.

FORE: It’s a force ten out there! That was more like a gentle breeze.

AFT: I’ll ask this lot…(indicates audience)…to help me blow up a storm.

FORE: Some of ‘em look as though they’d have trouble blowing up a balloon.

AFT: (to audience) Listen folks. Whenever you hear anybody say, there’s a storm a-brewing’. I want you all to hold your arms aloft…(demonstrates)…and wave them side to side, going, whoo-whoo! Will you do that? Let’s try it then. There’s a storm a-brewin’! Not bad. Now do it again and this time let’s really hear that wind. (repeat routine) Well done. Now don’t forget, will you?

HENRIETTA: What can I do for you both?

FORE: I could murder a good meal.

JIM: If it’s a good meal you’re after, you’re in the wrong place.

HENRIETTA: Ignore him. My food is well-renowned around here.

AFT: Bolognese!?

HENRIETTA: Manners! I won’t have that kind of language in my hostelry!

FORE: He was only asking if you do spagbol?

HENRIETTA: No, we don’t do Chinese grub.

JIM: (to Fore & Aft) Can I get you both a drink?

AFT: Ta very much, I’ll have a stiff one.

HENRIETTA: Not in here you won’t! (hands tankards to them) Try this instead.

FORE: What is it?

HENRIETTA: It’s our own special brew.

JIM: (to Fore & Aft) Are you both sailors?

AFT: No, but we’ve seen the brochure and it looks a great life.

FORE: It showed sailors lounging around a swimming pool, sipping cocktails.

AFT: So, we’re joining up.

HENRIETTA: What brochure was this in then?

FORE: This one. (produces a cruise-ship brochure)

HENRIETTA: You idiots! That’s a cruise-ship and those people are passengers!

BILLY: Real sailors climb the rigging, mop decks, and eat ship’s biscuits.

AFT: Hobnobs?

BILLY: It’s true I tell ‘ee! And if they complain they get a lick of the cat.

FORE: Uggh! I could never lick a cat!

BILLY: It’s a cat ‘o’ nine tails.

FORE: I don’t care how many tails it has.

BILLY: It’s a whip, you fool!

FORE: A whip!? On second thoughts I don’t think I want to be a sailor after all.

AFT: Me neither.

Enter Blind Pew (SL) wearing sunglasses and using a white stick to tap around the floor.

PEW: Batten down the hatches! There’s a storm a-brewin’!

HENRIETTA: Can I help you Mr…?

PEW: Pew!

JIM: I said this place needed airing mum.

PEW: Most people call me, Blind Pew.

HENRIETTA: Why’s that then?

PEW: Dark glasses, white stick? You work it out.

JIM: Are you after a room, Mr Pew?

PEW: No, I be after a man.

HENRIETTA: Aren’t we all? The last man I dated was crossed-eyed, and I had to dump him.

PEW: Why was that then?

HENRIETTA: Turns out he had his eye on somebody else the whole time.

JIM: What’s the name of this man you’re after, Mr Pew?

PEW: A thieving scumbag by the name of Billy Bones. Is he here?

A terrified Billy Bones shakes his head.

HENRIETTA: There’s nobody here, apart from my son Jim and a couple of would-be sailors.

PEW: What about your husband?

HENRIETTA: I’m a widow.

PEW: Your husband’s dead?

HENRIETTA: Is there any other way?

PEW: (sniff) I smells summit fishy.

JIM: That’ll be the beer.

PEW: Beer?

HENRIETTA: Yes, we brew it ourselves.

PEW: What from, fish heads and parrot droppings?

Fore and Aft take a swig from their tankards.

HENRIETTA: How did you guess?

Fore and Aft immediately spit out their drinks.

JIM: I’m afraid the man you’re looking for isn’t here, Mr Pew.

PEW: Very well, then I’ll take my leave. (sings) Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest…

BILLY: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

PEW: (grabs Billy) Hah! I tricked you, Billy! No pirate can resist joining in that song.

BILLY: (terrified) Get him off me Mrs Hawkins, he’ll give me the black spot!

HENRIETTA: I’ve been given worse than that by sailors and it hasn’t done me any harm.

PEW: Take this you, scurvy swab! (thrusts a note in Billy’s hand) Me and the rest of the crew will be back later to get what’s ours. (exits SL laughing)

BILLY: (wails) The black spot! I knew it! They’ve given me the black spot!

JIM: The black spot!

FORE: The black spot!

AFT: Not the black spot!

HENRIETTA: What exactly is the black spot?

BILLY: It’s the pirate’s death warrant! I must away before they come for me!

JIM: Who’ll come for you, Captain Bones?

BILLY: The whole crew from Flint’s ship! They’ll stop at nothing to get their hands on me chest!

HENRIETTA: (hoists her chest) I know just how you feel.

BILLY: I’ll be dead afore mornin’! (clutches his chest) Aaaah! (drops down dead)

AFT: He wasn’t kidding, was he?

JIM: Is there a Doctor in the house?

Enter Doctor Livesey at a run (SL)

HENRIETTA: I thought you’d gone home?

DOCTOR: I stopped to use your outside loo. What’s the problem this time?

JIM: This sailor has just collapsed, Doctor.

HENRIETTA: I think he’s had a corona.

DOCTOR: I didn’t know you sold Mexican beer.

JIM: I think she means a coronary, Doctor.

DOCTOR: (checks Billy) I’m afraid this sailor has spliced his last mainbrace.

HENRIETTA: Do you know what killed him, Doctor?

DOCTOR: In my experience, most people die from lack of breathing.

BILLY: (suddenly alive again) Come closer, Jim lad. I ‘ave something for ‘ee.

JIM: What is it Captain Bones?

BILLY: When I’ve gone, you can have my…(clutches chest) Aarrgh! (dies again)

FORE: I think he’s a goner.

JIM: I wonder what he was going to give me?

AFT: Probably typhoid if you’d gotten too close.

BILLY: (alive again) It’s my sea-chest, Jim lad! I want ‘ee to ‘ave it.

HENRIETTA: There’s life in the old seadog yet.

BILLY: Inside it is the key to untold treasure.

HENRIETTA: How can it be untold when you’ve just told us about it?

BILLY: It’s just a saying! (clutches his chest) Aarrgh! (dies again)

JIM: I think he’s really gone this time mum.

BILLY: (alive again) One more thing, Jim lad!

HENRIETTA: (clutching her chest) I wish he wouldn’t keep on doing that!

BILLY: Make sure you get the treasure before those rotten pirates! (clutches his chest) I’m going! I’m going! (one last gasp and he’s finally dead)

JIM: Has he really gone this time, Doctor?

HENRIETTA: If not, the producer will kill him for spinning this scene out too long.

DOCTOR: I’d better go and inform the coroner, right away. (exits SL)

JIM: What do you think is in his sea-chest, mum?

HENRIETTA: There’s only one way to find out, Jim. Bring it in here and let’s have a look.

JIM: Okay mum. (exits and returns, dragging on a sea-chest)

HENRIETTA: Right, let’s see what’s inside. (opens chest) There’s nothing in here but a tatty old map and a dirty magazine. (takes out a magazine and blows dust off it) I told you it was dirty, didn’t I?

JIM: (reaches in the chest and brings out an old map) This looks like a treasure map, mum!

HENRIETTA: What makes you think that Jim?

JIM: Because there’s a big red on it X and it says, Treasure buried here.

FORE: That must be what the pirates are after.

AFT: They’ll stop at nothing to get their hands on it.

JIM: We’d better all leave before they get here, mum.

HENRIETTA: Okay, Jim. I’ll just put the map somewhere safe first. (tucks it down her top)

FORE: We’d better leave too, or the pirates might think we’re in on it.

AFT: But where can we go that’s safe?

JIM: Why don’t we all go to Squire Trelawney’s? He’ll know what to do.

HENRIETTA: Good idea, Jim. We’ll go out the back way.

Exit all (SR)

Enter Pirates (SL)

SILVER: Billy Bones, come out you, treacherous sea-snake?

MORGAN: (spots Billy on the floor) There he is, Cap’n!

SILVER: Get up Billy Bones you, drunken swab! Get up I say!

MERRY: I think he’s dead Long John!

SILVER: Somebody check ‘im.

HANDS: (kicks Billy) He’s dead all right.

SILVER: I wants a second opinion.

MORGAN: (kicks Billy) I second that!

PEW: Where’s his chest?

MERRY: It’s between his bellybutton and his chin, Cap’n.

PEW: I meant, his sea-chest!

HANDS: Here it is!

SILVER: Open it.

MORGAN: (opens the chest) It’s empty, Cap’n!

SILVER: Flint’s treasure map’s gone!

PEW: The landlady and her son must’ve taken it.

SILVER: Then we’ll find ‘em. Slice ‘em both and get the map! Follow me, shipmates!

Exit Pirates (SL)