Treasure Island (Perusal)

Scene One

The Benbow Inn

Music cue 1: Serving Wenches & Customers. After song ends…Wenches exit. Henrietta Hawkins enters (SR)

Henrietta

Time gentlemen, please!

Customer

But it’s only nine o’clock, Mrs Hawkins!

Henrietta

(taps her watch) That’s the last time I buy a watch from a jolly tar, boat sale. (spots audience) We have got a lot in tonight haven’t we. Have you all had a drink? I thought you looked the worse for wear. If you’ve come for the karaoke, I’m afraid it’s been cancelled. But you can still have a little sing-song. Whenever you hear the old pirates song ‘fifteen men on a dead man’s chest’ you can all join in and sing ‘yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Let’s have a practice shall we? Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest! (audience respond – repeat as necessary) Well done! Now there’s a little favour I’d like you to do for me. I’m trying to sell more of our home-brewed beer and wean our customers off the hard stuff, like rum and brandy and such like. I’ve nothing against it mind. It’s just that so much is smuggled in these days, the price has plummeted and I can’t make a decent profit anymore. So if you hear anybody say ‘I’ll have a stiff one’ I want you to all shout ‘not in here you won’t’! Will you do that? (audience ‘respond) Thanks. You can all have a drink on the house later. Providing you use your own glass and don’t leave the water-tap running.

Dr Livesey enters (SL)

Henrietta

Dr Livesey, how kind of you to call at such short notice.

Dr Livesey

Well it sounded quite urgent Mrs Hawkins. Now seems to be afflicting you?

Jim

(dryly) Have you got a couple of hours?

Henrietta

It’s a bit delicate Doctor.

Dr Livesey

(produces a small tube of cream) Here, take this and rub it on the affected area.

Henrietta

No, it’s not that this time.

Dr Livesey

Then what is it?

Henrietta

It’s my chest, Doctor. (coughs) It’s terribly rough.

Dr Livesey

(staring at her bosom) I can see that. But I’m afraid I don’t do plastic surgery.

Henrietta

(snaps) I don’t need plastic surgery! (posing) I have the perfect-shaped body.

Dr Livesey

(aside to audience) For a pantomime cow.

Henrietta

Aren’t you going to take a look then?

Dr Livesey

(grimaces) Must I?

Jim

Would you like a drink first, Doctor?

Dr Livesey

Thanks Jim, I’ll have a stiff one.

Henrietta

(leads audience) Not in here you won’t!

Dr Livesey

(produces a stethoscope) On second thoughts, forget the drink. I want to get this over with quickly. (listening to her chest) Mmm…ooh…aah!

Henrietta
(worried) What is it Doctor?

Dr Livesey

(can’t hear her) Pardon?

Henrietta

I said, ‘what is it’?

Dr Livesey

Eh?

Henrietta

(shouts into the end of the stethoscope) What is it?

Dr Livesey

Arrrgh! (pulls stethoscope from his ears) You could’ve done me a nasty injury, Mrs Hawkins!

Henrietta

There’s still time. Now what did you hear?

Dr Livesey

Well it’s a sort of regular, bom…bom…bom.

Henrietta

That’s my heart, you fool!

Dr Livesey

I’ve always wondered what that noise was. Now close your eyes. (she does so and holds a spotted handkerchief in front of her face) What do you see?

Henrietta

Nothing!

Dr Livesey

Now open your eyes. (she does so) Now what do you see?

Henrietta

Spots!

Dr Livesey

(removes handkerchief and shouts loudly) Do you suffer from headaches?

Henrietta

(holding her head) Well I do now.

Dr Livesey

(spins her around then stops) How do you feel?

Henrietta

(holding her head) Dizzy.

Dr Livesey

Spots before the eyes, headaches and dizziness? It’s just as I thought.

Henrietta

(anxious) What is it Doctor?

Dr Livesey

You’re run down.

Henrietta

I knew I’d been working too hard. What do you suggest Doctor?

Dr Livesey

I suggest a long sea voyage.

Henrietta

Ooh! I’ve always fancied a nice cruise.

Jim

But mum, you used to get seasick in our paddling pool.

Henrietta

I’ll have grown out of that by now. (to Dr Livesey) Isn’t that so Doctor?

Dr Livesey

Oh, yes. You’d never fit in that paddling pool now.

Customer 1 rushes up to Dr Livesey.

Customer 1
Doctor! Doctor! I’ve just swallowed my watch, what’ll I do?

Dr Livesey

Drink syrup of figs.

Customer 1
Will it stop the pain?

Dr Livesey

No, but it’ll help pass the time.

Customer 2 rushes up to Dr Livesey.

Customer 2
Doctor! Doctor! I have this overwhelming urge to cover myself in gold paint!

Dr Livesey

You’re obviously suffering from a gilt complex.

Pirates

(singing off) #Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest# (audience respond)

Jim

What was that?

Dr Livesey

It sounded like somebody singing.

Pirates

(off) #Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest# (audience respond)

Henrietta

Those carol singers get earlier every year. (or ‘it’s a bit late for carol singing’)

SFX: Howling wind.

Billy Bones enters (SL)

Billy Bones

Aharr! Batten down the hatches, there’s a storm a-brewing!

Henrietta

Can I help you Mr…?

Billy Bones

Bones is the name. Cap’n Billy Bones. Who be the owner of this ‘ere establishment.

Henrietta

(gruff voice) I be the owner…(normal voice)…I mean I’m the owner.

Billy Bones

Then I have a proposition for’ee.

Henrietta

(preens) Oh, it’s ages since I’ve been propositioned.

Dr Livesey

I’ll vouch for that.

Billy

I be looking for a nice snug harbour to drop me anchor in…(taps his nose knowingly)…if you knows what I mean. (winks)

Henrietta

You keep your anchor right where it is mate. You’re all alike you sailors, always wanting to get your anchor away.

Billy Bones

You’re a feisty vessel and no mistake. You remind me of the last ship I sailed on.

Henrietta

(preens) Was she a sleek racing yacht with a perfectly shaped hull?

Billy Bones

No, she was a rusty old dredger badly in need of having her bottom scraped.

Henrietta

Why you! (shoving him off) Clear off out of here, you ratbag!

Billy Bones

Take it easy ma’am, ‘twas a compliment I was paying’ee!

Jim

If that was a compliment, I dread to think what your insults are like.

Billy Bones

Many a sailor’s learned the ropes aboard that sturdy old vessel.

Dr Livesey

That sounds more like Mrs Hawkins.

Henrietta

(to Dr Livesey) Haven’t you got any patients to see too?

Dr Livesey

Patients?

Henrietta

You know. Those people you take money from under false pretences.

Jim

What can we do for you Captain Bones?

Billy Bones

And what be your name lad?

Jim

Jim sir.

Billy Bones

Well Jim Sir, I’d like a room for the night.

Henrietta

I’m afraid we’re fully booked.

Billy Bones

I can pay ‘andsomely. (takes out a gold coin)

Henrietta

I’m sorry but we don’t take Euros. Well not since Brexit anyway.

Jim

It’s a piece of eight, mum!

Billy Bones

That’s right lad. And I’ll pay two of these shiny gold coins, for one night’s accommodation.

Henrietta

What a coincidence! That’s exactly what I charge.

Dr Livesey

I thought you charged sixpence a night?

Henrietta

Yes, but Captain Bones will be wanting the h’executive suite.

Jim

The only room available is the one next to the pigsty, mum.

Billy Bones

That sounds perfect. I’m a country boy myself, so it’ll be like ‘ome from ‘ome.

Henrietta

And you won’t mind the pong?

Billy Bones

No. I finds the smell of ammonia first thing in the morning clears the tubes out a treat.

Henrietta

I’ll just go and get your room ready Captain. (to any customers still on stage) Don’t you lot have homes to go to? (exits SR)

Remaining customers exit.

Dr Livesey

I’ll be off then Jim.

Jim

Before you go, Doctor. I have a little problem of my own. (whispers to Dr Livesey)

Dr Livesey

Don’t worry lad, you’re young and still growing. Now I must be on my way. (exits SL)

Billy Bones

Now that we’re on our own Jim, I’d like‘ee to do me a little favour.

Jim
(moving away) Mum warned me about sailors like you.

Billy Bones

Don’t worry, Jim lad. I steers a straight course I do. (produces a coin) ‘Ere, take this coin.

Jim

No fear. They’ll press gang me into the Navy if I take the King’s shilling.

Billy Bones

It be a gold doubloon, lad.

Jim

And what do I have to do for that?

Billy Bones

I want you to warn me if a one-legged man turns up, asking after me.

Jim

Who is this man?

Billy Bones

Never you mind, just let me know if he shows his ugly face around here.

Jim

(takes the coin) You can rely on me Captain.

Henrietta enters (SR) wearing a large peg on her nose.

Henrietta

Your woom is weady. (removes peg) I mean, you’re room is ready Captain Bones.

Billy Bones

Thank’ee kindly ma’am.

Henrietta

And if any pigs stray into your room in the middle of the night, just make them sleep at the bottom of the bed.

Billy Bones

As you wish ma’am.

Henrietta

Can I tempt you with a little something before you retire, Mr Bones?

Billy Bones

No, I don’t think so.

Henrietta

I have an extremely wide array.

Billy Bones

(glancing at her bum) I can see that.

Henrietta

Isn’t there anything that takes your fancy?

Billy Bones

Well I wouldn’t say no to a small nightcap.

Henrietta

There’s one under the pillow in your room.

Jim

I think he means a drink, mum. (to Billy Bones) What would you like Captain?

Billy Bones

I’ll have a stiff one.

Henrietta

(leads audience) Not in here you won’t!

SFX: Howling wind.

Fore and Aft enter (SL)

Fore

Lock your windows and doors, there’s a storm a-brewing!

Aft

(holds arms aloft and sways side to side) Whoo-whoo!

Fore

What are you doing?

Aft

Showing them how strong the wind is.

Fore

It’s a force ten gale out there! That’s more like a gentle breeze.

Aft

Then I’ll ask this lot…(indicates audience)…to help me blow up a storm.

Fore
(looks out) Some of ’em look as though they’d have trouble blowing up a balloon.

Aft

(to audience) Listen you lot. Whenever you hear anybody say ‘there’s a storm a-brewing’. I want you all to hold your arms aloft…(demonstrates)…and wave them from side to side shouting, ‘whoo-whoo’! Let’s try it then. There’s a storm a-brewing! (leads them) Not bad. Now do it again and this time let’s really hear that wind. (go through routine again) Well done. Now don’t forget, will you?

Henrietta

What can I do for you two gentlemen?

Fore

I could murder a good meal.

Jim

You name it and mum’ll murder it.

Aft

Bolognese!

Henrietta

(snaps) Oi! I won’t have that sort of language in my hostelry!

Aft
It’s spaghetti in meat sauce!

Henrietta

And the less of your sauce the better.

Jim

Can I get you a drink, gents?

Aft

What have you got?

Henrietta

We’ve got…(say quickly)…Jamaican rum, navy rum, whisky, gin and rot tum. Bitter beer, sweet beer, lager beer and duff beer. Brandy, shandy, Irish stout and milk stout…(takes a glass filled with coloured feathers from the bar)…and this.

Fore

What’s that?

Henrietta

A cocktail! (laughs)

Aft

(to Henrietta) What’s your favourite drink?

Henrietta

‘Old Todgers Brown Ale’, What’s yours?

Aft

Ta very much, I’ll have a stiff one.

Henrietta

(leads audience) Not in here you won’t! (takes two tankards from bar and hands them to Fore & Aft) Here, try this.

Fore

What is it?

Henrietta

It’s our own special brew.

Fore & Aft

(take the tankards) Ta very much.

Jim

(to Fore & Aft) Are you both sailors, then?

Aft

No, but we’ve seen the brochure and it looks a great life. So we’re joining up.

Fore

Yeah. Sailors lounge around all day in deckchairs sipping cocktails, next to a swimming pool.

Jim

And what was the name of the ship this brochure was for?

Aft

The ‘Caribbean Queen’.

Henrietta

That’s a cruise-ship you fools! And those ‘sailors’ are passengers.

Billy Bones

Aye! Real sailors have to climb the rigging, mop the decks and eat ship’s biscuits.

Fore

Hobnobs?

Billy Bones

It’s true I tell’ee! And if they complain they get a lick of the cat.

Aft

(grimacing) Uggh! I could never lick a cat!

Jim

It’s a cat ‘o’ nine tails.

Aft
I don’t care how many tails it’s got.

Billy Bones

It’s a whip, you fool!

Aft

(exclaims) A whip! On second thoughts, I don’t think I want to be a sailor after all.

Fore

Me neither.

Blind Pew enters (SL) tapping the floor with a stick.

Henrietta

(to Pew) Can I help you Mr…?

Pew

Who’s that?

Henrietta
I’m me. Who are you?

Pew

Pew!

Jim

I said this place needed airing mum.

Pew

Blind Pew.

Henrietta

Are you after a room, Mr Pew?

Pew

No, I be looking for a man called Billy Bones.

A terrified Billy Bones shakes his head.

Henrietta

There’s nobody here, apart from my son Jim and a couple of would-be sailors.

Pew

What about your husband?

Henrietta
I’m a widow.

Pew
Your husband’s dead?

Henrietta

Is there any other way?

Pew

How did he die?

Henrietta

He was working at a paint factory when he fell into a vat of varnish and drowned.

Pew

He must have had a horrible death.

Henrietta

Yes, but a lovely finish. (to audience) The old one’s are still the best.

Pew

(walks around tapping with his stick) I smells something fishy.

Jim

That’ll be the beer.

Pew

Beer?

Henrietta
Yes, we brew it ourselves.

Pew

What from, fish heads and parrot droppings?

Fore and Aft take a swig from their tankards.

Henrietta

How did you guess?

Fore and Aft immediately spit out their drinks.

Pew

(grabs Aft) Are you the salty sea-swab I’ve been looking for?

Aft

No, I’ve never seen me before.

Pew
(grabs Fore) And what about you?

Fore

I’ve never seen me either.

Henrietta

I’m afraid the man you’re looking for isn’t here, Mr Pew.

Pew

Very well then, I’ll take my leave. (sings) Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest!

Billy Bones

(with audience) Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Pew
Aha! Tricked you, you dirty swab! No pirate can resist joining in that song.

All

(exclaim) Pirates!?

Pew
Come here Billy, I have something for you.

Billy Bones

(panicking) Leave it with Mrs Hawkins. I’m just going out.

Pew

Cap’n Silver said I was to deliver it to you, personal like.

Billy Bones

(hiding behind Henrietta) Keep him away from me Mrs Hawkins, he’ll give me the black spot!

Henrietta

(dragging him to the front) Oh stop worrying. I’ve been given worse than that by sailors and it hasn’t done me any harm.

Pew

(grabs Billy) Gotcha! Take this you scurvy swab. (thrusts a note into Billy’s hand) My task is done, so I’ll bid you all goodnight. (exits SL)

Jim

What does the note say Captain Bones?

Billy Bones

I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to look at it.

Henrietta

Give it here. (takes the note and opens it) There’s nothing on it.

Billy Bones

(relieved) Thank goodness for that.

Henrietta

Nothing except a big black spot.

Billy Bones

(wails) The black spot! I knew it! They’ve given me the black spot!

Fore

The black spot!

Jim

The black spot!

Aft

Not the black spot!

Henrietta

What’s the black spot?

Billy Bones

(terrified) It’s the pirate’s death warrant! I must away before they come for me!

Jim

Who’ll come for you Captain Bones?

Billy Bones

The whole crew from Flint’s ship! They’ll stop at nothing to get their filthy hands on me chest!

Henrietta

(hoists her chest) I know just how you feel.

Billy Bones

I must make my escape! (exits SR)

SFX: Sound of dog savaging.

Billy Bones
(off) Arrggh!

Jim

Oh no, Fluffy’s got him!

Henrietta

Didn’t he see the ‘beware of the dog’ sign?

Jim
We don’t have a ‘beware of the dog’ sign.

Henrietta
That explains why he didn’t see it then.

Jim

I’d better go and see if he’s all right. (exits SR and returns holding an ear)

Henrietta

He got away lightly.

Jim

It’s his ear that got away, mum.

Henrietta

You mean that’s all that’s left of him?

Jim

I’m afraid so.

Henrietta

Oh well, you know what they say. ‘Ear today and gone tomorrow’.

Jim
What’ll we do with his chest?

Henrietta

Bring it in here Jim. There might be something in it about his next of kin.

Jim

Yes mum. (exits and returns, dragging on the chest)

Henrietta

Right then, let’s have a look. (opens the chest and looks inside) There’s nothing in here but a few measly coins, a tatty old map and a dirty magazine. (takes out a magazine and blows dust off it) I told you it was dirty. (to audience) What did you expect? This is a family show.

Jim

(reaches in and takes out the map & coins) These coins are pieces of eight, mum! (opens the map) And this looks like a treasure map!

Fore

That must be what the pirates are after.

Henrietta
(scared) What are we going to do Jim? If the pirates catch us they’ll slice us in two and make us walk the plank!

Fore
Why don’t you just give them the map?

Henrietta

That’s no good. They’d still kill us to stop us blabbing.

Jim

Let’s go and see Squire Trelawney. He’ll know what to do.

Henrietta

All right Jim.

Aft

What about us? The pirates might think we’re in on it.

Jim

Then you’d better come with us.

Henrietta

Let’s hide the chest first Jim.

They hide the chest behind the bar and all exit (SR)

SFX: Sound of dog savaging.

Fore & Aft

(off) Aaahh!

Henrietta
(off) Put them down Fluffy!

Pirates enter (SL)

Silver

Get him lads!

Black Dog
There’s nobody here Long John.

Pew

The dirty swab must have scarpered.

Silver

Search the place.

They search around and Hands finds the chest behind the bar.

Hands

I’ve found his chest, Captain! (drags the chest centre stage)

Silver

Open it up.

They open the chest.

Morgan
It’s empty!

Pew

Billy Bones must have taken the map and had it away with the Hawkins woman.

Merry

He must be desperate.

Silver

Desperate men do desperate things, Mr Merry.

Pew
(sniffs the air) I smells the map. This way lads. (exits SR)

SFX: Sound of dog savaging.

Pew

(off) Arrggh!

Black Dog exits (SR) and returns holding an ear.

Black Dog

He never stood a chance.

Merry
What a horrible way to die.

Morgan

(shouts into the ear) Don’t worry shipmate, we’ll get him for you.

Hands

(sadly) Poor old Pew. (brightly) Still. All the more treasure for us, eh lads?

Pirates

Aye!

Silver
There’s nothing like money to keep all pirates happy. Music cue 2: Pirates. Come on men, let’s find them and get back that map!

Silver and Pirates exit (SL)