Treasure Island The Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

The Benbow Inn

Customers at tables. Music cue 1: Serving Girls. After song ends…Exit Girls (SL)

Enter Henrietta (SR)

Henrietta Hello everybody! Welcome to The Admiral Benbow! If you’re here for the karaoke, I’m afraid it’s been cancelled. But you can still have a little sing. Whenever you hear the old pirate’s song fifteen men on a dead man’s chest! You can all join in and sing, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Let’s have a practice then. Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest! (response) Wonderful! My name’s Henrietta Hawkins and I’m a widow. (elicit sympathy) It’s sadder than that. I’d only been married a few weeks when my husband joined the navy and sailed away. A year later his ship sank with all hands, leaving me with a three-month-old baby to bring up on my own. Now, I know what you’re all thinking. How could my baby be three months old, with my husband being away at sea a year? Let’s just say he wrote very passionate letters. Speaking of passion. My son Jim’s taking a fancy to Squire Trelawney’s daughter. But he forbids them to see each other because we’re so poor, and so they must meet in secret. By the way I’ve stopped selling spirits because I make more selling our own homebrew. So, if you hear anybody say I’ll have a stiff one. I want you all to shout out, not in here you won’t! Okay? I’m just off to ring the Doctor about a personal matter. See you all later! (exits SL)

Enter Jim and Maggie arm-in-arm (SR)

Jim Maggie. You know how your father’s forbidden us to see each other because I’m poor?

Maggie Yes Jim, and it’s so unfair. Where love is concerned, money shouldn’t matter.

Jim Well, I think he’ll soon be changing his tune.

Maggie Don’t say you’ve won the lottery!?

Jim No, Maggie. But I might soon be even richer than a lottery winner.

Maggie But how, Jim?

Jim I intend to go to sea and make my fortune, by searching for treasure.

Maggie Sunken treasure?

Jim Sunken, lost, buried. Lying about on the ground. And kind of treasure, really.

Maggie But won’t you need a ship first?

Jim A minor detail, Maggie. Now, let’s stroll across the carpark and look out over the sea.

Maggie I’m afraid we can’t do that, Jim.

Jim Why not, Maggie?

Maggie Because carparks haven’t been invented yet.

Jim The coach and horses park, then.

Exit Jim and Maggie (SL)

Enter Henrietta (SR)

Henrietta (shouts) Time please! Off you go home now!

Exit Customers (SL)

Enter Dr Livesey (SL)

Henrietta Dr Livesey, how good of you to call at such short notice.

Doctor Well, it sounded quite urgent Mrs Hawkins. Now, what seems to be the trouble?

Henrietta It’s a bit delicate, Doctor.

Doctor (produces a tube of cream) Here, take this and rub it on the affected area.

Henrietta No, it’s not that this time.

Doctor Then what is it?

Henrietta I’m considering getting remarried, but I don’t want any more kids. What method of birth control would you recommend?

Doctor In your case? Leaving the light on

Henrietta I’ll put yours out in a minute! (coughs roughly)

Doctor Are you all right Mrs Hawkins?

Henrietta It’s my chest, Doctor. It’s terribly rough.

D. Livesey I can see that.

Henrietta Would you mind having a look at it for me?

Doctor Very well, but I’ll need a drink first.

Henrietta What would you like, Doctor?

Doctor I’ll have a stiff one.

Henrietta (leads audience) Not in here you won’t!

Doctor (produces a stethoscope) On second thoughts, forget the drink. I want to get this over with quickly. (listening to her chest) Mmm…ooh…aah!

Henrietta (worried) What is it Doctor?

Doctor Beg pardon?

Henrietta (shouts into the end of the stethoscope) What is it Doctor!?

Doctor Aaaah! (removes stethoscope) You could’ve done me a nasty injury, Mrs Hawkins!

Henrietta There’s still time. Now, tell me what you heard.

Doctor Well, it’s a sort of regular, bom-bom…bom-bom…bom-bom.

Henrietta That’s my heart, you fool!

Doctor I’ve always wondered what that sound was. Close your eyes. (she does and he holds a spotted handkerchief in front of her face) What do you see?

Henrietta Nothing.

Doctor Open them again. (she does) Now, what do you see?

Henrietta Spots.

Doctor (removes handkerchief and shouts) Do you have a headache!?

Henrietta (holding her head) Well, I do now.

Doctor (spins her around then stops) How do you feel?

Henrietta (wavers) Dizzy.

Doctor Spots before the eyes, headaches, and dizziness? It’s just as I suspected.

Henrietta (anxious) What is it Doctor?

Doctor You’re run down.

Henrietta I knew I’d been working too hard. What do you suggest, Doctor?

Doctor I suggest a long sea voyage.

Henrietta Oooh! I’ve always fancied a nice sea-cruise.

Enter Jim (SL)

Jim Did I hear somebody mention a sea-cruise?

Henrietta Doctor Livesey says I’ve been working too hard and recommends a long sea-cruise.

Jim I’ll come too mum. I’ve always fancied spending a lifetime at sea.

Henrietta I’m thinking a fortnight should be long enough, Jim.

Doctor I’ll be off then, Mrs Hawkins.

Jim Before you go, Doctor. I have a little problem of my own. (whispers)

Doctor Don’t worry lad, you’re young and still growing. Cheerio, now. (exits SL)

Billy Bones (off) Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest…

Jim What was that?

Doctor It sounded like somebody singing.

Billy Bones (off) Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest…

Henrietta Those carol singers get earlier every year. (or ‘it’s a bit late for carol singing’)

Enter Billy Bones (SL)

Billy Bones Good evening ma’am. Are you the landlady of this ‘ere inn?

Henrietta Yes, I am. What can I do for you Mr…?

Billy Bones Billy Bones. Captain Billy Bones. I’m looking for a berth.

Henrietta In that case you want the maternity ward at…(local hospital)

Jim I think he means a room, mum.

Billy Bones You’re a bright lad, and no mistake.

Henrietta Rooms are fourpence a night. Sixpence if you want sheets and a shilling if you want clean sheets.

Billy Bones I’ll take it as it is. An old seadog like me is used to billeting down in worse places than this. (rummaging in his trouser pocket) Here, let me give you something.

Henrietta No thanks, been there got the ointment.

Billy Bones (takes out a gold coin) It’s a piece of eight.

Henrietta Don’t you have a whole one?

Jim That’s more than enough to pay for a month’s stay, mum.

Henrietta (to Billy) Welcome aboard Admiral! I’ve always loved a naval man. Haven’t I Jim?

Jim Several, if the number of uncle’s I’ve had is anything to go by.

Henrietta Would you like a bath, Mr Bones?

Billy Bones Aye, that would be grand.

Henrietta Give him a bath, Jim?

Jim Why? Can’t he bath himself?

Henrietta A room with a bath, you twit!

Jim I’ll fetch in the tin-bath from the yard, later.

Henrietta Well, just make sure you tip the coal out first.

Jim Okay, mum.

Henrietta I’m afraid the only room available is next to the pigsty, Captain Bones.

Billy Bones Now worries, ma’am. I’m a country boy, so it’ll be like ‘ome from ‘ome.

Jim Are you sure you won’t mind the pong, Captain?

Billy Bones No, lad. I finds the smell of ammonia clears me old tubes out a treat.

Henrietta I’ll go and get your room ready, Captain. (exits SR)

Billy Bones Now that we’re on our own Jim lad. I’d like ‘ee to do me a little favour.

Jim (moving away) Mum warned me about sailors like you.

Billy Bones Don’t worry, Jim lad. I steers a straight course I do. (produces a coin) Do as I ask, and this shiny gold coin is yours.

Jim A gold doubloon! And what do I have to do for that?

Billy Bones I want you to warn me if a one-legged man turns up, asking after me.

Jim (takes the coin) You can rely on me Captain.

Enter Henrietta (SR) wearing a large peg on her nose.

Henrietta Your woom…(removes peg)…I mean room, is ready Captain Bones.

Billy Bones Thank ‘ee kindly ma’am.

Jim Would you like a nightcap before you retire, Captain?

Billy Bones Aye, Jim lad. I’ll have a stiff one.

Henrietta (leads audience) Not in here you won’t!

SFX: Howling wind.

Enter Fore and Aft (SL)

Fore Lock all your windows and doors, there’s a storm a-brewin’!

Aft (holds arms aloft and sways gently side to side) Whoo-whoo!

Fore What are you doing?

Aft I’m showing everybody how strong the wind is.

Fore It’s a force ten out there! That was more like a gentle breeze.

Aft I’ll ask this lot…(indicates audience)…to help me blow up a storm.

Fore (looking out) Some of ‘em look as though they’d have trouble blowing up a balloon.

Aft (to audience) Right you lot. Whenever you hear anybody say, there’s a storm a-brewing’. I want you all to hold your arms aloft…(demonstrates)…and wave them from side to side shouting, whoo-whoo! Will you do that for me? Let’s try it then. There’s a storm a-brewin’! (leads them) Not bad. Now do it again and this time let’s really hear that wind. (repeat routine) Well done. Now don’t forget, will you?

Henrietta What can I do for you both?

Fore I could murder a good meal.

Jim If it’s a good meal you’re after, you’re in the wrong place.

Henrietta Ignore him. My food is well-renowned around here.

Aft Bolognese!?

Henrietta Oi! I won’t have that kind of language in my hostelry!

Fore He was only asking if you do spagbol?

Henrietta No, we don’t do Chinese grub.

Jim (to Fore & Aft) Can I get you both a drink?

Aft Ta very much, I’ll have a stiff one.

Henrietta (leads audience) Not in here you won’t! (hands tankards to them) Try this instead.

Fore What is it?

Henrietta It’s our own special brew.

Jim (to Fore & Aft) Are you both sailors, then?

Aft No, but we’ve seen the brochure and it looks a great life.

Fore It shows sailors lounging in deckchairs and sipping cocktails around a swimming pool.

Aft So, we’re joining up.

Henrietta What brochure was this in?

Fore This one. (produces a brochure) See?

Henrietta You fools! That’s a cruise-ship and those people are passengers!

Billy Bones Aye! Real sailors must climb the rigging, mop the decks and eat ship’s biscuits.

Aft Hobnobs?

Billy Bones It’s true I tell ‘ee! And if they complain they get a lick of the cat.

Fore (grimacing) Uggh! I could never lick a cat!

Billy Bones It’s a cat ‘o’ nine tails.

Fore I don’t care how many tails it has.

Billy Bones It’s a whip, you fool!

Fore A whip!? On second thoughts I don’t think I want to be a sailor after all.

Aft Me neither.

SFX: Howling wind.

Enter Blind Pew (SL) he wears dark glasses and taps the floor with a white stick.

Pew Batten down the hatches! There’s a storm a-brewin’!

Henrietta Can I help you Mr…?

Pew Pew!

Jim I said this place needed airing mum.

Pew Most people call me, Blind Pew.

Henrietta Why’s that then?

Pew Dark glasses, white stick…hello!

Jim Are you after a room, Mr Pew?

Pew No, I be after a man.

Henrietta Aren’t we all, dear? The last man I dated had a lazy eye, and I had to dump him.

Pew Why was that then?

Henrietta Turns out he was seeing somebody else the whole time. (to audience) Think about it.

Jim What’s the name of this man you’re after, Mr Pew?

Pew Billy Bones. Is he here?

A terrified Billy Bones shakes his head.

Henrietta There’s nobody here, apart from my son Jim and a couple of would-be sailors.

Pew What about your husband?

Henrietta I’m a widow.

Pew Your husband’s dead?

Henrietta Is there any other way?

Pew (walks around tapping with his stick) I smells something fishy.

Jim That’ll be the beer.

Pew Beer?

Henrietta Yes, we brew it ourselves.

Pew What from, fish heads and parrot droppings?

Fore and Aft take a swig from their tankards.

Henrietta How did you guess?

Fore and Aft immediately spit out their drinks.

Jim I’m afraid the man you’re looking for isn’t here, Mr Pew.

Pew In that case I will take my leave. (sings) Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest…

Billy Bones (with audience) Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Pew Aha! (grabs Billy) I tricked you, Billy Bones! No pirate can resist joining in that song.

Billy Bones (terrified) Get him off me Mrs Hawkins, he’ll give me the black spot!

Henrietta Don’t worry. I’ve been given worse than that by sailors and it hasn’t done me any harm.

Pew Take this you scurvy swab! (thrusts a note into Billy’s hand) Me and the rest of the crew will be back later, to get what’s ours. (exits SL laughing)

Billy Bones (wails) The black spot! I knew it! They’ve given me the black spot!

Jim The black spot!

Fore The black spot!

Aft Not the black spot!

Henrietta What is the black spot?

Billy Bones What is the black spot!? What is the black spot!?

Henrietta I asked first.

Billy Bones It’s the pirate’s death warrant, that’s what! I must away before they come for me!

Jim Who’ll come for you, Captain Bones?

Billy Bones The whole crew from Flint’s ship! They’ll stop at nothing to get their hands on me chest!

Henrietta (hoists her chest) I know just how you feel.

Billy Bones I’ll be dead afore mornin’! (clutches his heart and drops to the floor dead) Aaaah!

Aft He wasn’t kidding, was he?

Jim Is there a Doctor in the house?

Enter Doctor Livesey at a run (SL)

Henrietta I thought you’d gone home?

Doctor A Doctor is always on call. What seems to be the problem this time?

Jim This sailor has just collapsed, Doctor.

Henrietta I think he’s had a corona.

Doctor I never even knew you sold Mexican beer.

Jim I think she meant a coronary, Doctor.

Doctor Let me have a look. (checks Billy) I’m afraid this sailor has spliced his last main brace.

Henrietta Do you know what killed him, Doctor?

Doctor In my experience, most people die from lack of breathing.

Billy (suddenly alive again) Come closer, Jim lad. I ‘ave something for ‘ee.

Jim What is it Captain Bones?

Billy Bones When I’ve gone, you can have my…(clutches his chest)…aarrgh! (dies again)

Fore I think he’s a goner.

JimI wonder what he was going to give me?

Aft Probably typhoid if you’re not careful.

Billy Bones (suddenly alive again) It’s my sea-chest, Jim lad! I want ‘ee to ‘ave it.

Henrietta There’s life in the old dog yet.

Billy Bones Inside it is the key to untold treasure.

Henrietta How can it be untold when you’ve just told us about it?

Billy Bones Well I can’t untell you, now can I? (clutches his chest)…aarrgh! (dies again)

Jim I think he’s really gone this time mum.

Billy Bones (suddenly alive again) One more thing, Jim lad!

Henrietta (clutching her chest) Oooh! I wish he wouldn’t keep on doing that!

Billy Bones Make sure you get the treasure before those rotten pirates! (clutches his chest) I’m going! I’m going! (one last gasp and he’s finally dead)

Jim Has he really gone this time, Doctor?

Doctor I expect so. Well, you can only die so many times, can’t you?

Henrietta Unless you’re a rotten actor.

Doctor I wonder if he has an organ donor card?

Henrietta I once donated an organ to a close friend.

Doctor What a selfless gesture. Was it a kidney?

Henrietta No. A mouth organ.

Doctor I’d better go and inform the coroner, right away. (exits SL)

Jim What do you think’s in his sea-chest, mum?

Henrietta There’s only one way to find out, Jim. Bring it in here and let’s have a look.

Jim Okay mum. (exits and returns, dragging on a sea-chest)

Henrietta Right then, let’s see what’s inside. (opens the chest) There’s nothing in here but a tatty old map and a dirty magazine. (takes out a magazine and blows dust off it) I said it was dirty, didn’t I? (to audience) What did you expect? This is a family show.

Jim (reaches in and brings out a map) This looks like a treasure map, mum!

Henrietta What makes you think it’s a treasure map, Jim?

Jim Because there’s a big red X and it says, Treasure buried here.

Fore That must be what the pirates are after.

Aft They’ll stop at nothing to get their hands on it.

Jim We’d better all leave before they get here, mum.

Henrietta All right, Jim. I’ll just put the map somewhere safe first. (tucks map down her top)

Fore We’d better leave too, After. Or the pirates might think we’re in on it.

Aft But where can we go?

Jim Why don’t we all go to Squire Trelawney’s? He’ll know what to do.

Henrietta Good idea, Jim. We’ll go put the back way.

Exit all (SR)

Enter Silver and Pirates (SL)

Silver Billy Bones, where are you, you treacherous sea-snake?

Hands (spotting Billy on the floor) There he is, Cap’n!

Silver Get up Billy, you drunken swab! Get up I say!

Morgan I think he’s dead, Long John!

Silver Somebody check ‘im.

Merry (kicks Billy) He’s dead all right.

Silver I wants a second opinion.

Hands (kicks Billy) I second that, Cap’n!

Pew Where’s his chest?

Morgan It’s between his bellybutton and his chin, Cap’n.

Pew I meant, his sea-chest!

Merry Here it is!

Silver Open it.

Merry (opens the chest) It’s empty, Cap’n!

Silver Flint’s treasure map’s gone!

Pew The landlady and her son must’ve taken it.

Silver Then we’ll find ‘em. Slice ‘em up and get the map! Follow me, shipmates!

Pirates Aye! Cap’n!

Exit Silver and Pirates (SL)