The Wizard Of Oz

Scene One

Munchkinland

Music cue 2: Munchkins. After song ends…

SFX: Sound of a motorbike.

Munchkins start to panic.

Munchkin 1

That sounds like Zelda the wicked witch of the East, on her motorised broomstick!

Munchkins

(panicking) The witch is coming! The witch is coming!

Munchkin 2

She must’ve heard us enjoying ourselves.

Munchkin 3

Why does she always have to spoil our fun?

Munchkin 4

She’s probably jealous because she’s never had any fun in her life.

Munchkin 5
I don’t think she knows what fun is. She’s just an old misery-guts.

Munchkin 1

I sometimes wish a house would fall from the sky, and drop right on top of her pointed head.

Munchkin 2

Fat chance of that.

SFX: Whistling-falling noise.

Munchkin 3

(pointing skywards) Look! Up there!

The Munchkins all look up.

Munchkin 4

What is it?

Munchkin 5

It looks like a house falling from the sky!

Munchkin 1

She’s right!

Munchkin 2

It’s raining houses!

Munchkin 3

Run for your lives!

The Munchkins exit in panic – snap blackout.

SFX: Loud crash followed by a piercing scream.

Lights come back up, revealing the front of a house protruding from one of the wings. Two legs wearing Ruby Slippers poke from underneath it.

Dorothy

(off) I think the storm’s stopped, Aunt Em.

Aunt Em

Thank goodness! Have a look outside and see if the washing’s dry.

Dorothy enters from the house.

Dorothy

Oh, my! (shouts) I think you’d better come out here Aunt Em!

Aunt Em

(off) Don’t tell me my bloomers have blown away!

Dorothy

I think it’s us who’ve been blown away!

Aunt Em enters from the house.

Aunt Em

What are you talking about Dorothy? How can we have blown awa…? (looks about) ‘Ere! Where’s the farm gone?

Dorothy

The tornado must have lifted the house up and dropped us here.

Aunt Em

Yes, but where’s ‘here’?

They move downstage and the Munchkins creep back on behind them.

Dorothy

Well it certainly isn’t Kansas.

Aunt Em

(glances behind and spots the Munchkins) Don’t look now Dorothy, but I think we’ve landed in Neverland.

Dorothy

(turns and sees the Munchkins) Hello there. I’m Dorothy and this is my Aunt Em.

Aunt Em

I wonder which one is Peter Pan?

Munchkin 4

Look! (pointing to the legs) Somebody’s legs are underneath the house!

Aunt Em

(spots the legs protruding from underneath the house) I don’t wish to alarm you Dorothy, but we appear to have landed right on top of someone.

Dorothy

(spots Zelda’s legs) Oh, my!

Munchkin 5

(pointing to the protruding legs) Look! It’s the ruby slippers!

Munchkin 1

It must be Zelda!

Dorothy

Do you think she’s dead, Aunt Em?

Aunt Em

I think there’s every chance, seeing as there’s a house parked right on top of her.

Dorothy

What are we going to do Aunt Em?

Aunt Em

Check the house insurance for starters. I’m not sure it covers for squashing people.

Munchkin 2

(checking the ruby slippers) There’s no doubt about it, it’s Zelda. (to Dorothy & Aunt Em) And you’ve squashed her ‘dead’ flat.

Dorothy

We’re really sorry, we didn’t mean to.

Munchkin 3

How can we ever thank you, O great and powerful ones?

Aunt Em

Come again?

Munchkin 4

We wished for a house to fall on Zelda.

Munchkin 5

And you dropped one.

Aunt Em

(snaps) That’s the drains! I’ve been meaning to get Dyno-rod in.

Munchkin 1

And to show our appreciation, we would like to present you with these medals.

Two Munchkins come forward and hang medals around the necks of Dorothy and Aunt Em.

Dorothy

I don’t understand it, Aunt Em. We squash somebody flat as a pancake, and they give us medals.

Aunt Em

Well I’ll admit it’s a little strange, but who are we to question their local customs.

Glinda enters (SR)

Glinda

Perhaps I can explain.

Aunt Em
(pointing at Glinda) Oh look, it’s Julian Clary! (or ‘the Christmas Fairy’)

Dorothy

(to Glinda) Who are you?

Glinda

I’m Glinda, the good witch of the North.

Dorothy

But I thought all witches were bad?

Glinda

Oh, no dear. There’s good and bad in everyone and witches are no exception.

Dorothy

Would you mind telling us where we are?

Glinda

You are in the wonderful land of Oz.

Aunt Em
Well tie me kangaroo down and slap me with a platypus! We’ve been blown all the way to Australia!

Glinda

I’m afraid I’ve never heard of Australia. You see no one here has ever been outside Oz. (peering at Zelda’s legs) So the Munchkins were right. You have squashed Zelda flat.

Dorothy

Yes, and we’re very sorry.

Glinda

Don’t be dear. You’ve done the land of Oz a favour by getting rid of her. Zelda was a mean and horrible witch.

Dorothy

Another witch?

Glinda

Yes, there are four witches here in Oz…(glances at Zelda legs)…well, three now. There’s me and my sister Leticia, the good witch of the South. Zelda, the wicked witch of the East, who is now underneath your house. And her sister Olga, the witch of the West.

Dorothy

Is Olga a good witch?

Glinda

Dear me no, she’s even more wicked than her sister. You’ll have to be very careful of her.

Doctor rushes on (SR)

Glinda

Ah, here comes the Doctor.

Doctor

I got here as soon as I heard. Where’s the patient?

Aunt Em

Don’t you mean the ‘corpse’?

Glinda

The Doctor has to fill out a death certificate, in order to make her demise official.

Doctor

Ah, there she is! (bends down and removes Zelda’s ruby slippers)

Glinda

I’ll take those Doctor. (offers them to Dorothy) Here Dorothy, put these on.

Dorothy

I can’t wear those!

Glinda

Yes of course, allow me. (takes a can of deodorant from her pocket and sprays the slippers) There, they’ll smell much better now. (offers them again)

Dorothy

I’m afraid I still can’t wear them.

Glinda

Why not?

Dorothy

Because they belonged to a horrible witch.

Glinda

Well you can’t walk around barefoot. And Zelda won’t need them anymore.

Aunt Em
Go ahead Dorothy, they’ll probably just end up in Oxfam anyway.

Dorothy

(to Glinda) Well if you’re sure it’s all right.

Glinda

You’ll need them, believe me.

Dorothy

(takes the slippers and puts them on) They’re a perfect fit!

Glinda

The ruby slippers are magic and will fit themselves to any size foot.

Doctor

I will now conduct a thorough examination of Zelda. (pinches Zelda’s toes in turn) This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed at home. This little piggy had bread and honey. And this little piggy got squashed flat, when a great big house fell on her. (laughs)

Aunt Em

It’s nice to see their health service is up to N.H.S standards.

Doctor

I have completed my examination of Zelda, and I conclude she is very dead indeed.

Munchkin 1

Absolutely, positively dead?

Doctor

Oh, indubit…indubil…indupit…(gives up on ‘indubitably’)…yes.

Munchkins

(chant) The wicked witch is dead! The wicked witch is Dead! Music cue 3: Munchkins. After song ends…

Doctor

And now all that remains is for me to sign the death certificate. (produces a certificate)

Aunt Em

What will you put down as the cause of death, Doctor?

Doctor
Well seeing as it was your house that fell on her, there can be only one verdict…’home’-icide!

Dorothy

Homicide? But it was an accident, Doctor! (to Aunt Em) Say something Aunt Em!

Aunt Em

(to Doctor) Teflon!

Doctor

Teflon?

Aunt Em

You’ll never make it stick.

Doctor

In that case, I’ll put it down to a severe bout of ‘home’-sickness.

Munchkins laugh.

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.

Olga enters (DSL) carrying a broomstick and brushes the Munchkins aside as she pushes her way through.

Olga

Out of my way, you measly Munchkins!

Munchkins move aside in fright.

Dorothy

I wonder who she is?

Aunt Em

Well I don’t think she’s the district nurse.

Glinda

That’s Olga, the wicked witch of the West.

Aunt Em moves smartly in front of Zelda’s legs in order to conceal them.

Olga

I felt my sister’s evil force flicker and die, and tracked it here. So where is she?

Glinda

I’m afraid she’s feeling a little ‘flat’ at the moment.

Munchkins giggle.

Olga

(spots Zelda’s legs and pushes Aunt Em aside) Out of the way! (realises it’s Zelda) My poor sister! What a horrible sight!

Aunt Em

Well nobody’s feet are a pretty sight, are they?

Olga

Cut down in the prime of her evilness, by having a house fall on her.

Glinda

Well she always wanted to be thin.

Aunt Em

She’ll probably qualify as slimmer of the year now.

Olga

(turns on them) Who owns this house?

Aunt Em

I do.

Olga
Then I shall take my revenge on you! But first I must take my poor sister’s ruby slippers. (looks for them) They’re gone! Who has taken them? (spots Dorothy is wearing them) You have them! Hand them over or I will turn you to stone!

Dorothy
Oh, my! (goes to remove the slippers)

Glinda

Keep them on Dorothy.

Dorothy

But she’ll turn me into stone!

Glinda

She’s bluffing. Olga has no real power here in my land of the North, and she knows it.

Olga

(to Dorothy) Give me those ruby slippers!

Aunt Em

Don’t do it Dorothy! They look as though they’re worth a bob or two. We might be able to sell them on eBay and pay off the mortgage.

Olga

(to Aunt Em) Don’t trifle with me!

Aunt Em

I wouldn’t trifle with you if you were the last jelly in the fridge! Now get lost before I drop a house on you too!

Olga

(looking up nervously) You have the upper hand for now, but I’ll be back. And not even the ruby slippers will save you then. (sneers at Aunt Em and Dorothy) I’ll get you…(pointing at Toto)…and your little dog too. (exits SL)

Dorothy

Oh dear, I think we might have upset her.

Glinda

Just a little dear. The quicker you both return home the better.

Aunt Em

We’d be happy too, but we don’t know the way from here.

Dorothy

Can you help us get back to Kansas?

Glinda

No, but I know someone who can.

Aunt Em

Who?

Glinda

The amazing…all powerful…magnificent…wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Dorothy

Where can we find this Wizard?

Glinda

In the Emerald City, of course.

Aunt Em

And how do we get there?

Glinda

Just follow the yellow brick road.

Munchkins

(chant) Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!

Dorothy

How long will it take us to get to the Emerald City?

Glinda

That all depends on how fast you walk.

Aunt Em

(exclaims) Walk! With my hemorrhoi…I mean…isn’t there a bus service?

Glinda

I’m afraid not.

SFX: Siren sounds.

Leticia rushes on (SR) astride a broomstick and runs around the stage before coming to a halt (CS)

SFX: Sound of tyres screeching.

Glinda

(exclaims) Leticia!

Aunt Em

(to Glinda) That’s a nasty cold you have there. (to audience) Does anybody have a tissue?

Glinda

This is my sister, Leticia.

Aunt Em

(to audience) Hold the tissues!

Leticia

Sorry I’m late Glinda. Have I missed anything?

Aunt Em

Only the whole flaming plot.

Glinda

(introducing them) This is Dorothy and Aunt Em. They’ve just squashed Zelda flat with their house. And now they’re about to set off for the Emerald City, to see the Wizard about getting back home.

Leticia

(to Dorothy & Aunt Em) Gosh, you must both be very brave to travel to the Emerald City.

Aunt Em

What do you mean…’brave’?

Leticia

You did warn them of the dangers didn’t you Glinda?

Aunt Em

‘Dangers’! What dangers?

Leticia

To reach the Emerald City you must travel through an enchanted forest, full of lions and tigers and bears.

Aunt Em

Lions and tigers and bears!

Dorothy

Oh, my!

Aunt Em
(to Glinda) How come you didn’t mention this before?

Glinda

I thought it might put you off.

Aunt Em

And you were right. (turns to go back into the house)

Dorothy

Where are you going Aunt Em?

Aunt Em

I’m going to hide under the bed again, and wait for another tornado to blow us back to Kansas.

Leticia

But we don’t have tornadoes in Oz.

Aunt Em

Not even a teency-weency one?

Leticia

I’m afraid not.

Glinda

Only the Wizard can help you get back home.

Dorothy

Then I’m going to the Emerald City, danger or no danger.

Aunt Em

All right Dorothy. I’ll just stay here and mind the house until you get back.

Dorothy

Aunt Em!

All

Aunt Em!

Aunt Em

I’m only joking!

Dorothy

(to Glinda & Leticia) Are you both coming with us?

Glinda

No, I’m afraid this is something you must do on your own.

Dorothy

But won’t Olga use her powers against us to try and get the ruby slippers back?

Leticia

All witch’s powers are limited, outside their own lands. But she will try and find other ways of stopping you reaching the Emerald City.

Glinda

Whatever happens, you mustn’t let her get hold of the ruby slippers.

Dorothy

And how do we manage that?

Leticia

By making sure you don’t stray into the land of the West.

Glinda

Just stick to the yellow brick road and you should be fairly safe.

Munchkins

Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! Music cue 4: Munchkins begin to form a line.