Scene One
Munchkin Land
Music cue 2: Munchkins.After song ends…
SFX: Sound of a motorbike.
Munchkins look startled.
Munchkin 1 That sounds like Zelda the wicked witch of the East, on her motorised broomstick!
Munchkins (panicking) The witch is coming! The witch is coming!
Munchkin 2 She must’ve heard us enjoying ourselves.
Munchkin 3 Why does she always have to spoil our fun?
Munchkin 4 She’s probably jealous because she’s never had any fun in her whole life.
Munchkin 5 I doubt the old misery-guts even knows what fun is.
Munchkin 1 I wish a house would fall from the sky and drop right on top of her pointed head.
Munchkin 2 Fat chance of that.
SFX: Whistling-falling noise.
Munchkin 3 (pointing skywards) Look! Up there!
The Munchkins all look up.
Munchkin 4 What is it?
Munchkin 5 It looks like a house falling from the sky!
Munchkin 1 She’s right!
Munchkin 2 It’s raining houses!
Munchkin 3 Run for your lives!
The Munchkins exit in panic – snap blackout.
SFX: Loud crash followed by a piercing scream.
Lights come back up, revealing the front of a house protruding from one of the wings. Two legs wearing Ruby Slippers poke out from underneath it.
Dorothy (off) I think the storm’s stopped, Aunt Em.
Aunt Em Thank goodness! Have a look outside and see if the washing’s dry.
Dorothy enters from the house.
Dorothy Oh, my! (shouts) I think you’d better come out here Aunt Em!
Aunt Em (off) Don’t tell me my bloomers have blown away!
Dorothy I think it’s us who’ve been blown away!
Aunt Em enters from the house.
Aunt Em What are you talking about Dorothy? How can we have blown awa…? (looks about) ‘Ere! Where’s the farm gone?
Dorothy The tornado must’ve lifted the house up and dropped us here.
Aunt Em Yes, but where’s here?
They move downstage and the Munchkins creep back on behind them.
Dorothy Well I don’t think it’s Kansas.Aunt Em. (spots Munchkins) Don’t look now Dorothy, but I think we’ve landed in Neverland.
Dorothy (turns and sees Munchkins) Hello there. I’m Dorothy and this is my Aunt Em.
Aunt Em I wonder which one’s Peter Pan?
Munchkin 4 Look! (pointing to the legs) Somebody’s legs are underneath the house!
Aunt Em (looks) Oh, crumbs! We appear to have landed right on top of someone, Dorothy.
Dorothy( spots Zelda’s legs) Oh, my!
Munchkin 5 (pointing to the protruding legs) Look! It’s the ruby slippers!
Munchkin 1 It must be Zelda!
Dorothy Do you think she’s dead, Aunt Em?
Aunt Em I think there’s every chance, seeing as there’s a house parked right on top of her.
Dorothy What are we going to do, Aunt Em?
Aunt Em Check the house insurance for starters. I’m not sure it covers for squashing people.
Munchkin 2 (checking the ruby slippers) There’s no doubt about it, it’s Zelda. (to Dorothy & Aunt Em) And you’ve squashed her dead flat.
Dorothy We’re really sorry, we didn’t mean to.
Munchkin 3 How can we ever thank you, O great and powerful ones?
Aunt Em Come again?
Munchkin 4 We wished for a house to fall on Zelda.
Munchkin 5 And you dropped one.
Aunt Em (snaps) That’s the drains! I’ve been meaning to get Dyno-rod in.
Munchkin 1 And to show our appreciation, we would like to present you with these medals.
Two Munchkins come forward and hang medals around the necks of Dorothy and Aunt Em.
Dorothy I don’t understand it, Aunt Em. We squash somebody flat as a pancake, and they give us medals.
Aunt Em I’ll admit it’s a little strange, but who are we to question local customs.
Glinda enters (SR)
Glinda Perhaps I can explain.
Aunt Em Oh, look! It’s the fairy from off the top of Christmas tree.
Dorothy (to Glinda) Who are you?
Glinda I’m Glinda, the good witch of the North.
Dorothy But I thought all witches were bad?
Glinda Oh, no dear. There’s good and bad in everyone, and witches are no exception.
Dorothy Would you mind telling us where we are?
Glinda You are in the wonderful land of Oz.
Aunt Em Well slap me with a platypus! We’ve been blown all the way to Australia!
Glinda I’ve never heard of Australia. You see, nobody here has ever been outside Oz. (looking at Zelda’s legs) The Munchkins were right. You have squashed Zelda flat.
Dorothy Yes, and we’re very sorry.
Glinda Don’t be dear. You’ve done the land of Oz a favour by getting rid of her. Zelda was a mean and horrible witch.
Dorothy Another witch?
Glinda Yes, there are four witches here in Oz…well, three now. There’s me and my sister Leticia, the good witch of the South. Zelda, the wicked witch of the East, who is now underneath your house. And her sister Olga, the witch of the West.
Dorothy Is Olga a good witch?
Glinda Dear me, no. She’s even more rotten than her sister.
Doctor rushes on (SR)
Glinda Ah, here comes the Doctor.
Doctor I got here as soon as I heard. Now, where is the patient?
Aunt Em Don’t you mean, the corpse?
Glinda The Doctor has to fill out a death certificate, in order to make her demise official.
Doctor Ah, there she is! (removes Zelda’s ruby slippers)
Glinda I’ll take those Doctor. (offers them to Dorothy) Here Dorothy, put these on.
Dorothy I can’t wear those!
Glinda Yes of course, allow me. (produces a can of Febreeze and sprays the slippers) There, they’ll smell much better now. (offers them again)
Dorothy I’m afraid I still can’t wear them.
Glinda Why not?
Dorothy Because they belonged to a horrible witch.
Glinda Well, you can’t walk around barefoot. And Zelda won’t need them anymore.
Aunt Em Go ahead Dorothy.
Glinda You’ll need them, believe me.
Dorothy Well…all right then. (takes slippers and puts them on) They’re a perfect fit!
Glinda The ruby slippers are magic and will fit themselves to any size foot.
Doctor I will now conduct a thorough examination of Zelda. (pinches Zelda’s toes in turn) This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed at home. This little piggy had bread and honey. And this little piggy got squashed flat, by having a house fall on top of her. (laughs)
Aunt Em It’s nice to see their health service is up to N.H.S standards.
Doctor I’ve completed my examination of Zelda and I conclude that she is very dead indeed.
Munchkin 1 Absolutely, positively dead?
Doctor Oh, indubit…indubil…indupit…(gives up on ‘indubitably’)…yes.
Munchkins (chant) The wicked witch is dead! The wicked witch is Dead! Music cue 3: Munchkins. After song ends…
Doctor Now all that remains, is for me to sign the death certificate. (produces a certificate)
Aunt Em What will you put down as the cause of death, Doctor?
Doctor Well, seeing as it was your house that fell on her. There can be only one verdict…home-icide!
Dorothy But it was an accident, Doctor! (to Aunt Em) Say something, Aunt Em!
Aunt Em (to Doctor) Teflon!
Doctor Teflon?
Aunt Em You’ll never make it stick.
Doctor In that case. I’ll put it down to a severe case of home-sickness. (laughs)
Munchkins laugh.
SFX: Pyro flash.
Olga enters (DSL) carrying a broomstick and brushes the Munchkins aside as she pushes her way through.
Olga Out of my way, you measly Munchkins!
Munchkins move aside in fright.
Dorothy I wonder who she is?
Aunt Em Well I don’t think she’s the district nurse.
Glinda That’s Olga, the wicked witch of the West.
Aunt Em moves smartly in front of Zelda’s legs in order to conceal them.
Olga I felt my sister’s evil force flicker and die and tracked it here. Now, where is she?
Glinda I’m afraid she’s feeling a little flat, at the moment.
Munchkins giggle.
Olga (spots Zelda’s legs and pushes Aunt Em aside) Move aside! Aaaah! My poor sister! What a terrible sight!
Aunt Em Well nobody’s feet are a pretty sight, are they?
Olga Cut down in the prime of her evilness, by having a house fall on top of her.
Glinda Be fair, she always wanted to be thinner.
Aunt Em She’ll probably qualify as slimmer of the year now.
Olga Who owns this house?
Aunt Em I do.
Olga Then I shall take my revenge on you! But first I must take my poor sister’s ruby slippers. (looks for them) They’re gone! Who has taken them? (spots them on Dorothy) You have them! Hand them over, or I will turn you to stone!
Dorothy Oh, my! (goes to remove the slippers)
Glinda Keep them on Dorothy.
Dorothy But she’ll turn me to stone!
Glinda She’s bluffing. Olga has little power here in my land of the North, and she knows it.
Olga (to Dorothy) Give me those ruby slippers!
Aunt Em Don’t do it Dorothy! They look as though they’re worth a bob or two. We might be able to sell them on eBay and pay off my mortgage.
Olga (to Aunt Em) Don’t trifle with me!
Aunt Em I wouldn’t trifle with you, if you were the last jelly in the fridge! Now, get lost before I drop a house on you too!
Olga (looking up) You have the upper hand for now, but I’ll be back. And not even the ruby slippers will save you then. (sneers at Dorothy) I’ll get you…(Toto barks)…and your little dog too. (exits SL)
Dorothy Oh dear, I think we might have upset her.
Glinda Just a little dear. The quicker you both return home the better.
Aunt Em We’d be happy too, but we don’t know the way from here.
Dorothy Can you help us get back to Kansas?
Glinda No, but I know someone who can.
Aunt Em Who?
Glinda The amazing! All powerful! Magnificent! Wonderful Wizard of Oz!
Dorothy And where can we find this Wizard?
Glinda In the Emerald City, of course.
Aunt Em And how do we get there?
Glinda Just follow the yellow brick road.
Munchkins (chant) Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!
Dorothy How long will it take us to get to the Emerald City?
Glinda That all depends on how fast you walk.
Aunt Em Walk! Isn’t there a bus service?
Glinda I’m afraid not.
SFX: Siren sounds.
Leticia rushes on (SR) astride a broomstick, runs around stage and halts (CS)
SFX: Sound of tyres screeching.
Glinda Leticia!
Aunt Em That’s a nasty cold you have there. (to audience) Does anybody have a tissue?
Glinda This is my sister, Leticia.
Aunt Em (to audience) Hold the tissues!
Leticia Sorry I’m late Glinda. Have I missed anything?
Aunt Em Only the whole flaming plot.
Glinda This is Dorothy and her Aunt Em. They’ve just squashed Zelda flat with their house. And now they’re about to set off for the Emerald City, to ask the Wizard for help in getting back home.
Leticia (to Dorothy & Em) Gosh! You must both be very brave to travel to the Emerald City.
Aunt Em What do you mean…brave?
Leticia You did warn them of the dangers, didn’t you Glinda?
Aunt Em (alarmed) What dangers!?
Leticia To reach the Emerald City, you must travel through an enchanted forest. Which is home to lions and tigers and bears.
Aunt Em Lions and tigers and bears!
Dorothy Oh, my!
Aunt Em (to Glinda) How come you didn’t mention this before?
Glinda I thought it might put you off.
Aunt Em And you were right. (turns to go back into the house)
Dorothy Where are you going Aunt Em?
Aunt Em I’m going to hide under the bed again and wait for another tornado to blow us back to Kansas.
Leticia But we don’t have tornadoes here in Oz.
Aunt Em Not even a teency-weency one?
Leticia No!
Glinda Only the Wizard can help you get back home.
Dorothy Then I’m going to the Emerald City, danger or no danger.
Aunt Em All right Dorothy. I’ll just stay here and mind the house until you get back.
Dorothy Aunt Em!
Aunt Em I’m only joking!
Dorothy (to Glinda & Leticia) Are you both coming with us?
Glinda No. I’m afraid this is something you must do on your own.
Dorothy But, won’t Olga use her powers against us to try and get the ruby slippers back?
Leticia All witch’s powers are limited, outside their own lands. But she will try and find other ways of stopping you reaching the Emerald City.
Glinda But whatever happens, you mustn’t let her get hold of the ruby slippers.
Dorothy And how do we manage that?
Leticia By making sure you don’t stray into the land of the West.
Glinda Just stick to the yellow brick road and you should be fairly safe.
Munchkins Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! Music cue 4: (Munchkins sing and begin to march around stage)
Aunt Em (exclaims) Rhubarb!
Music suddenly stops.
Leticia I beg your pardon?
Aunt Em Excuse me a moment. (enters house and returns with a rabbit-hutch containing a toy rabbit) Say hello to Rhubarb, my pet rabbit.
Dorothy You can’t carry Rhubarb’s hutch all the way to the Emerald City, Aunt Em.
Aunt Em Well, I’m certainly not leaving him here all on his own.
Glinda I’m sure the boys and girls will look after him for you. (to audience) Won’t you?
Aunt Em (to audience) That’s very kind of you. I’ll just leave him here where you can see him. (see production notes) Now be sure and let me know if you see his hutch moving, because that means he wants feeding. Whenever you see it move, just shout Rhubarb, at the top of your voices and I’ll come running, okay? (response) Let’s have a practice then. (shakes hutch and response) I said the top of your voices, not the bottom. Let’s try again shall we? (shakes hutch and response) That’s much better. (to Glinda) Now, which way did you say it was again?
Glinda Follow the yellow brick road!
Munchkins Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! (Munchkins form a line and march around stage singing. Music cue 5: Munchkins. Then begin to exit (SR) Dorothy and Aunt Em link arms and follow them off, joining in the singing)
Olga enters (SL)
Olga So, they think they’ll be safe if they follow the yellow brick road, do they? Well that’s just where they’re wrong. I may not have my full powers in the other lands, but I can still make sure they never reach the Emerald City. And once I have the ruby slippers, the whole of Oz will be my land. Ha-ha-ha! (exits SL cackling)
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