The Wizard Of Oz

Scene One

Munchkinland

Music cue 2: Munchkins. After song ends…

SFX: Sound of a motorbike.

Munchkins panic.

MUNCHKIN 1: That sounds like Zelda, on her motorised broomstick!

MUNCHKIN 2: She must’ve heard us enjoying ourselves.

MUNCHKIN 3: Why does she always spoil our fun?

MUNCHKIN 4: It’s probably because she’s never had any fun in her whole life.

MUNCHKIN 5: I doubt she even knows what fun is.

MUNCHKIN 1: I wish a house would fall from the sky and land right on top of her.

MUNCHKIN 2: Fat chance of that.

SFX: Whistling-falling noise.

MUNCHKIN 3: (pointing up) Look!

Munchkins look up.

MUNCHKIN 4: What is it?

MUNCHKIN 5: It looks like a house falling from the sky!

MUNCHKIN 1: I’ve heard of it raining cats and dogs, but never houses!

MUNCHKIN 2: Run for your lives!

Exit Munchkins at a run – snap blackout.

SFX: Loud scream followed by crash.

Lights up, revealing the side of a house protruding from wing. Two legs wearing striped socks and Ruby Slippers poke out from underneath.

DOROTHY: (off) I think the storm’s stopped, Aunt Em.

AUNT EM: Thank goodness! Have a look outside and see if the washing’s dry.

Enter Dorothy from house.

DOROTHY: Oh, my! I think you’d better come out here Aunt Em!

AUNT EM: (off) Don’t tell me my bloomers have blown away!

DOROTHY: I think we’ve been blown away too!

Enter Aunt Em from the house.

AUNT EM: What are you talking about Dorothy? (looks about) Where’s my farm gone?

DOROTHY: The twister must’ve lifted the house up and dropped us here.

AUNT EM: Yes, but where is here?

Dorothy and Aunt Em move downstage.

Enter Munchkins creeping on upstage.

DOROTHY: It doesn’t look like Kansas.

AUNT EM: (spots Munchkins) Don’t look now Dorothy, but I think we’re in Neverland.

DOROTHY: What? (turns) Hello there!

AUNT EM: I wonder which one’s Peter Pan?

MUNCHKIN 3: (pointing) Look! Underneath the house!

DOROTHY: (turns) Oh, my! It seems we’ve landed right on top of somebody, Aunt Em!

MUNCHKIN 4: It’s Zelda!

MUNCHKIN 5: There’s no doubt about it, because she’s wearing the ruby slippers!

DOROTHY: Do you think she’s dead, Aunt Em?

AUNT EM: I think there’s every chance, seeing as there’s a house parked on top of her.

DOROTHY: What are we going to do, Aunt Em?

AUNT EM: Check the house insurance to see if it covers for squashing people.

MUNCHKIN 1: (to Dorothy & Aunt Em) You’ve squashed Zelda flat.

DOROTHY: We didn’t mean to! It was an accident, honest!

MUNCHKIN 2: How can we ever thank you, O great and powerful ones?

AUNT EM: Come again?

MUNCHKIN 3: We wished for a house to fall on Zelda.

MUNCHKIN 4: And you dropped one.

AUNT EM: That’s the drains! I’ve been meaning to get Dyno-rod in.

MUNCHKIN 5: And to show our appreciation, we wish to present you with these medals.

Two Munchkins hang medals around Dorothy and Aunt Em.

DOROTHY: I don’t understand it Aunt Em. We’ve squashed somebody flat, and they give us medals.

AUNT EM: It’s a bit strange I know, but who are we to question their local customs?

Enter Glinda (SR)

GLINDA: Perhaps I can explain.

AUNT EM: Oh, look! It’s Tinkerbell! We really are in Neverland.

GLINDA: I’m not Tinkerbell. I’m Glinda, the good witch of the North.

DOROTHY: I thought all witches were bad.

GLINDA: There’s good and bad in everyone, and witches are no exception.

DOROTHY: Would you mind telling us where we are?

GLINDA: You are in the wonderful land of Oz.

AUNT EM: Well blow my digeridoo! We’ve landed in Australia!

GLINDA: It’s not that Oz. (spots Zelda’s legs) The Munchkins were right, you have squashed Zelda flat.

DOROTHY: Yes, and we’re very sorry.

GLINDA: Don’t be. You’ve done us all a favour. Zelda was a mean and horrible witch.

DOROTHY: Another witch?

GLINDA: There are four witches in Oz – well, three now. There’s me and my sister Leticia, the good witch of the South. Zelda, who was the evil witch of the East, and her sister Olga, the witch of the West.

DOROTHY: Is Olga a good witch?

GLINDA: Dear me, no. She’s even more wicked than her late sister.

Enter Doctor at a run (SR)

DOCTOR: I got here as soon as I heard the good news, Glinda.

GLINDA: Dr Munchausen must issue a death certificate to make Zelda’s demise official.

DOCTOR: Where is the patient?

AUNT EM: Don’t you mean, the corpse?

DOCTOR: Ah, there she is! (removes Zelda’s ruby slippers)

GLINDA: I’ll take those Doctor. (takes slippers) Here Dorothy, put these on.

DOROTHY: I can’t wear those shoes!

GLINDA: Why not?

DOROTHY: Because they belonged to an evil witch?

GLINDA: You can’t walk around barefoot, and Zelda won’t need them anymore.

AUNT EM: Go ahead and wear them Dorothy.

GLINDA: You’ll need them, believe me.

DOROTHY: I suppose so. All right then. (puts slippers on) They’re a perfect fit!

GLINDA: The ruby slippers are magic and will fit themselves to any size foot.

AUNT EM: They could do with a range of those at Clarks.

DOCTOR: I will now conduct a thorough examination of Zelda. (pinching Zelda’s toes in turn) This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed at home. This little piggy had bread and honey. And this little piggy got squashed flat, by having a house fall right on top of her. (laughs)

AUNT EM: It’s good to see their health service is up to NHS standard.

DOCTOR: I have completed my examination of Zelda, and I conclude that she is very dead indeed.

GLINDA: Absolutely, positively dead?

DOCTOR: Indubit…indubil…indupit…(gives up)…yes.

MUNCHKINS: (chant) The wicked witch is dead! The wicked witch is Dead! Music cue 3: Munchkins. After song ends…

DOCTOR: (produces a certificate) And now I’ll sign the death certificate.

AUNT EM: What will you put down as the cause of death, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Seeing as it was a house that caused her demise, there can be only one verdict – homeicide!

Munchkins laugh.

SFX: Pyro flash.

Enter Olga (DSL) pushing Munchkins aside with her broomstick.

OLGA: Out of my way, you measly Munchkins!

Exit Munchkins in fright (SR)

DOROTHY: I wonder who she is?

AUNT EM: Maybe she’s the undertaker

GLINDA: No, she’s Olga the wicked witch of the West.

Aunt Em moves smartly in front of Zelda’s legs to conceal them.

OLGA: I felt my sister’s evil force flicker and die and tracked it here. Where is she?

GLINDA: I’m afraid she’s feeling a little flat, at the moment. (giggles)

OLGA: (spots Zelda’s legs and pushes Aunt Em aside) Move aside! Aaah! My poor sister! What a horrible sight!

AUNT EM: Well, nobody’s feet are a pretty sight, are they?

OLGA: Cut down in the prime of her evilness, by having a house fall on top of her.

GLINDA: Be fair, she always wanted to be thinner.

AUNT EM: She’ll probably qualify as slimmer of the year now.

OLGA: Who owns this house?

AUNT EM: I do.

OLGA: Then I will take my revenge on you! But first, I must take my poor sister’s ruby slippers. They’re gone! Who’s taken them? (spots them on Dorothy) You have them! Hand them over, or I will turn you to stone!

DOROTHY: Oh, my! (goes to remove slippers)

GLINDA: Keep them on Dorothy!

DOROTHY: But she’ll turn me into stone!

GLINDA: She’s bluffing. Olga has little power here in my land of the North, and she knows it.

OLGA: Give me those ruby slippers, brat-child!

AUNT EM: Go and take a hike you, refugee from The Living Dead!

OLGA: Don’t trifle with me!

AUNT EM: I wouldn’t trifle with you if you were the last jelly in the fridge! Now, get lost before I drop a house on you too!

OLGA: (looking up startled) You have the upper hand for now, but I’ll be back. And not even the ruby slippers will save you then. (threatening Dorothy) I’ll get you, and your little dog too. (exits SL)

DOROTHY: Oh, dear. I think we might have annoyed her, Aunt Em.

GLINDA: She’s always annoyed. The quicker you both return home the better.

AUNT EM: We’d be happy too, but we don’t know the way from here.

DOROTHY: Can you help us get back to Kansas?

GLINDA: No, but I know somebody who can.

AUNT EM: Who?

GLINDA: The amazing – magnificent – all powerful – wonderful Wizard of Oz!

DOROTHY: And where can we find this Wizard?

GLINDA: In the Emerald City, of course.

AUNT EM: Never heard of it. Is it on Google Maps?

GLINDA: Oz isn’t on Google Maps.

DOROTHY: How do we get to the Emerald City?

GLINDA: Just follow the yellow brick road.

AUNT EM: How long will it take us to get to there?

GLINDA: That all depends on how fast you walk.

AUNT EM: Walk! Isn’t there a bus service?

GLINDA: I’m afraid not.

SFX: Siren sounds.

Enter Leticia at a run (SR) astride a broomstick.

LETICIA: Gangway! (pulls her broomstick to a halt CS)

SFX: Sound of tyres screeching.

GLINDA: Leticia!

AUNT EM: Bless you!

GLINDA: This is my sister, Leticia.

LETICIA: Sorry I’m late Glinda. Have I missed anything?

AUNT EM: Only the whole flaming plot.

GLINDA: Leticia. This is Aunt Em and Dorothy.

LETICIA: Pleased to meet you both.

DOROTHY: Likewise, I’m sure.

GLINDA: They’ve just squashed Zelda flat with their house.

LETICIA: How very fortuitous!

GLINDA: And now they’re about to travel to the Emerald City, to ask the Wizard for help to get back home.

LETICIA: (to Aunt Em & Dorothy) You must both be very brave indeed.

AUNT EM: What do you mean, brave?

LETICIA: You did warn them of the dangers didn’t you Glinda?

DOROTHY: (alarmed) What dangers!?

LETICIA: To reach the Emerald City, you must travel through an enchanted forest. Which is home to lions and tigers and bears.

AUNT EM: Lions and tigers and bears!?

DOROTHY: Oh, my!

AUNT EM: (to Glinda) How come you didn’t mention this before?

GLINDA: I thought it might put you off.

AUNT EM: And you were right. (turns to house)

DOROTHY: Where are you going Aunt Em?

AUNT EM: I’m going back inside to wait for another tornado to blow us back to Kansas.

LETICIA: I’m afraid we don’t have tornadoes here in Oz.

AUNT EM: That’s a big blow. (laughs) Tornado? Big blow? Never mind.

GLINDA: Only the Wizard can help you get back home.

DOROTHY: Then I’m going to the Emerald City, whatever the danger.

AUNT EM: All right Dorothy. I’ll just stay here and mind the house until you get back.

DOROTHY: Aunt Em!

AUNT EM: I’m only joking!

DOROTHY: (to Glinda Leticia) Are you both coming with us?

GLINDA: No. I’m afraid this is something you must do on your own.

DOROTHY: But won’t Olga use her powers against us to try and get the ruby slippers?

LETICIA: All witch’s powers are limited outside their own lands.

GLINDA: But she’ll stop at nothing to prevent you from reaching the Emerald City.

LETICIA: Whatever happens, you mustn’t let her get hold of the ruby slippers.

DOROTHY: And how do we manage that?

GLINDA: By making sure that you don’t stray into her land of the West.

LETICIA: Just stick to the yellow brick road and you should be fairly safe.

AUNT EM: (exclaims) Floppy!

GLINDA: I beg your pardon?

AUNT EM: Pardon me a moment. (exits into house and returns with a rabbit-cage holding a toy rabbit) Say hello to Floppy, my pet rabbit. I named him Floppy to remind me of my missing husband.

DOROTHY: But I thought your husband was called Jethro, Aunt Em.

AUNT EM: He was – but Floppy was my nickname for him.

LETICIA: I probably shouldn’t ask – but why did you nickname your husband, Floppy?

AUNT EM: (to audience) Behave yourselves! It’s because he was that lazy, he used to spend all day flopped in a chair with a six pack. Beer that is, not the other kind.

DOROTHY: You can’t carry Floppy’s cage all the way to the Emerald City, Aunt Em.

AUNT EM: I’m not leaving him here all on his own, Dorothy.

GLINDA: The boys and girls will look after him for you. (to audience) Won’t you?

AUNT EM: (to audience) That’s very kind of you. I’ll just leave him here where you can see him. (see production notes) Now, be sure and let me know if you see his cage moving, because that means he wants feeding. Whenever you see it move, just shout Floppy! At the top of your voices and I’ll come running, okay? Let’s have a practice then. (shakes cage) I said the tops of your voices, not your bottoms. Let’s try it again shall we? (shakes cage) That’s better. (to Glinda) Which way did you say it was again?

LETICIA: Follow the yellow brick road!

GLINDA: Follow the yellow brick road!

DOROTHY: Ready Aunt Em.

AUNT EM: I was born ready.

DOR & EM: (link arms and sing) ‘Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow follow, follow the yellow brick. We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz’!

Exit Dorothy and Aunt Em (SR)

LETICIA: Do you think they’ll make it to The Emerald City, Glinda?

GLINDA: I’ll just ask the boys and girls. Boys and girls, do you think they’ll make it?

LETICIA: (to audience) I hope you’re right.

GLINDA: We’ll follow and keep an eye on them Leticia, and help out whenever we can.

Exit Glinda and Leticia (SR)

Music cue 4: Enter Olga (SL)

OLGA: They think they’ll be safe if they follow the yellow brick road. But that’s just where they’re wrong. I might not have my full powers in the other lands, but I can still make sure they never reach the Emerald City. And once I have the ruby slippers, the whole of Oz will be my land. Ha-ha-ha! (exits SL cackling)