The Little Mermaid (Perusal)

Scene One

Copenhagen Town

Outside Sushi’s Fishmongers’. Music cue 1: Hazel & Chorus. After song ends…

Hazel That was great fun, wasn’t it?

Chorus 1 It sure was, Hazel.

Sybil (shouts off) Winkle!

Hazel That sounds like my employer, Mrs Sushi!

Chorus 2 What’s it like working for her, Hazel?

Hazel It’s all right, I suppose. Although she can get a bit crabby at times. (laughs)

Sybil (shouts off) Hazel!

Hazel Beat it guys, or she’ll think I’ve been slacking again.

Chorus 3 And she’d be right! (laughs) Come on guys, let’s go! (leads Chorus off SR)

Music cue 2: Enter Sybil (SL) carrying a large basket of fish.

Sybil Cor, this basket of fish weighs a ton! If only I had a big strapping son to help me.

Hazel I thought you did have a big strapping son, Mrs Sushi.

Sybil More like, I have a little wimpy son and I’m always strapped. Life’s been so hard ever since my poor husband died. He used to work in a gun factory, until they fired him. Then he started a business breeding budgerigars, but it didn’t take off.

Hazel I heard you had a bit of a kerfuffle yesterday, with the window cleaner.

Sybil It’s true. I was upstairs in my bathroom, standing there in the altogether. (pointing at audience) I can see all the men in the audience getting a clear picture of that in their heads. Hold on to it boys, you never know when you might need it. Anyway, I was just seeing to all my nooks and crannies. When there was an almighty crash, and a handsome young window cleaner suddenly fell at my feet. I think something must’ve distracted him, because he didn’t realise the window was open when he went to slap his shammy on it. He begged me to ring accident and emergency. Which I did…first thing this morning. I don’t suppose you’ve seen my little Winkle, have you?

Hazel Would you like to rephrase that, Sybil?

Sybil My son, Winkle!

Hazel No, I’ve not met him yet. Even though I’ve worked here for almost a month now.

Sybil That doesn’t surprise me. I can never find him myself. It’s my own fault for putting him on a zero-hours contract. He took it literally and has worked zero hours ever since.

Hazel Doesn’t he like working in the fish business?

Sybil He doesn’t like working, full stop. And talk about stupid! He once spent three hours trying to find a fish’s fingers. I really should pack it all in, you know. The fish business is like a pair of old pants.

Hazel What do you mean, Sybil?

Sybil The bottom’s dropped out of it. I even tried nude modelling once, but I barely made a living.

Hazel My mum says, we should always count our blessings.

Sybil I do. Only these days, I can count mine on one finger.

Hazel Have you ever thought of remarrying, Sybil?

Sybil I think about it constantly. Remarrying has also crossed my mind. After all, I’m still in the prime of my life.

Hazel How old are you then?

Sybil As old as my tongue and younger than my teeth.

Hazel You can’t be younger than your teeth.

Sybil Why not?

Hazel Because you only bought them last week.

Sybil How would you like to be unemployed?

Hazel (holding her nose) I think we’d best get that fish inside, Sybil. It’s beginning to pong.

Sybil Sorry, that’s me. (wafting) I had curried crab for lunch. Let’s go. (leads off into shop)

Enter Winkle (SR)

Winkle (to audience) Hiya kids, I’m Winkle Sushi. Do you wanna be in my gang? I said, do you wanna be in my gang? (response) That’s better. Now, every time I come on and shout Hiya gang! I want you all to shout back, hiya Winkle! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. Hiya gang! Not bad. Now let’s try it again, with all the grumpy kids joining in this time. Hiya kids! That’s much better.

Enter Hazel from the shop just as the audience are shouting hiya Winkle!

Hazel They’re very good, aren’t they?

Winkle (turns) Who are you?

Hazel I’m Hazel, your co-worker. And you’re Winkle, aren’t you?

Winkle That’s right. (sarcastic) How ever did you guess?

Hazel They do say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Winkle Any form of wit might improve this show. So, Hazel. How does it feel to be named after a nut?

Hazel I’d rather be named after a nut than a little winkle.

Enter Sybil from the shop

Sybil There you are Winkle. I’ve been looking all over for you.

Winkle What do you want, mum?

Sybil You should have been helping me fetch a load of fish from the docks, this morning.

Winkle Sorry mum, but I was having this lovely dream and wanted to see how it ended.

Hazel What were you dreaming about?

Winkle I was dreaming I was eating the biggest marshmallow in the world. Then I woke up and found I’d eaten my pillow.

Sybil You don’t know what good hard work is.

Winkle No – what good is it?

Sybil Listen, hard work never killed anybody.

Winkle Well I don’t want to be its first victim.

Sybil There’s no chance of that.

Winkle Anyway, you know I don’t like getting up while it’s still dark.

Hazel How come?

Winkle I once had a terrifying experience as a child.

Hazel What happened?

Winkle Why don’t you ask mum?

Sybil He was such a frightened child, Hazel. Every night he’d check under his bed, for any monsters hiding there. Then one night, for a joke. I hid under his bed wearing a Freddie Kruger mask. Up until then, I never realised how expensive child therapy was.

Hazel Now I understand.

Sybil And now you’re here Winkle, you can help us fillet some fish.

Winkle But I haven’t had breakfast yet.

Sybil You can’t still be hungry, surely.

Winkle How do you mean?

Sybil Well, you ate a whole pillow earlier, remember?

Winkle I’m thinking about getting a second job, mum.

Sybil Second job? You don’t even do your first job!

Hazel What job are you after, Winkle?

Winkle Lifeguard.

Sybil I always thought you were allergic to water.

Winkle Only if there’s soap in it. I can picture myself now, running along the beach in slow motion, just like on the old Baywatch series.

Sybil You already do everything in slow motion.

Winkle I’d make a great lifeguard.

Sybil What makes you think that?

Winkle Well, yesterday. I managed to drag a lovely young lady from the sea.

Hazel Was she in trouble?

Winkle Not yet! (nudging Hazel and laughing)

Sybil Our business will be in trouble, if we don’t start earning enough to pay the rent.

Winkle If only we had a ship, then we could catch our own fish and cut out the middleman.

Sybil What a good idea!

Hazel Can you afford to buy your own ship, Sybil?

Sybil No, but I know somebody who might loan me one.

Winkle Who, mum?

Sybil Captain Codpiece. An old flame who I almost married.

Hazel How come you didn’t?

Sybil His flame went out.

Winkle Do you think he’ll lend us his ship for free, mum?

Sybil I’m certain he will.

Hazel What makes you think that?

Sybil (takes her aside) Because it’ll be cheaper than years of child-support back-payments.

Hazel You mean, Winkle’s…?

Sybil…Ssshh!

Winkle What are you two whispering about?

Sybil Women’s problems! Now, let’s go and get ready for a fishing-trip. (leads all inside)

SFX: Car horn toots.

Enter Harpo and Coco in a cut-out taxi enter (SL) Harpo drives.

Coco Stop!

SFX: Screeching tyres.

They come to a sudden halt (CS)

Harpo Why did you shout stop!?

Coco I want to swap places, Harpo.

Harpo What for?

Coco I fancy driving for a change.

Harpo We can’t swap places, Coco.

Coco Why not?

Harpo Because you don’t have a driver’s licence.

Coco I don’t need a licence to drive a cut-out taxi.

Harpo What makes you think that?

Coco Well, it doesn’t have an engine for starters.

Harpo You must also have the knowledge.

Coco I know how to drive a taxi, thank you.

Harpo Not that knowledge!

Coco Then what knowledge are you talking about?

Harpo It’s a test you must take before you can drive a taxi in a big city.

Coco What does it involve?

Harpo You must know where every single street in Copenhagen is.

Coco I know where every single street in Copenhagen, is.

Harpo (surprised) Do you!?

Coco Yes. They’re in Copenhagen, stupid!

Harpo And do you know how to get to them all?

Coco Of course, I do!

Harpo How?

Coco By taxi! Now hurry up and swap places.

Harpo Okay. I’ll just tell our passenger that we’re changing drivers. (gets out and checks the passenger seat) She’s gone!

Coco What do you mean, she’s gone?

Harpo I mean she’s disappeared! Vanished! Not there!

Coco (looks inside) Oh no, the floor’s dropped out!

Harpo I said we should’ve had that fixed.

Coco We couldn’t afford the garage fees.

Harpo She must have fallen out along the way. But where?

Coco It was probably on…(local street)

Harpo What makes you say that?

Coco Because that’s when I remember the taxi suddenly get lighter.

Harpo Then why didn’t you say something at the time?

Coco Because we were going downhill at the time and it always feels lighter then.

Harpo You know what this means, don’t you?

Coco We won’t get a tip?

Harpo That, and we’ll also lose our taxi licence. We’d better find her, quick.

Coco How?

Harpo By retracing our route.

Coco That might prove difficult.

Harpo Why not?

Coco We don’t have any tracing paper.

Music cue 3: Enter Octavia looking bedraggled (SL)

Harpo Never mind, she’s found us.

Octavia You idiots left me lying in the middle of…(local road)…in rush hour traffic!

Harpo Sorry madam, we didn’t realise you’d fallen out.

Octavia You will both suffer a great penalty for this!

Coco That doesn’t worry us, love. Us English are used to suffering at penalties.

Harpo (to Octavia) At least you weren’t run over.

Octavia I was run over! Look! (turns and shows a tyre imprint running all up her back)

Coco I thought you looked a little tyred. (laughs) Get it? Tyred?

Octavia You think it’s funny, do you?

Harpo Certainly not! And to make amends, we’ll take you to the Docks free of charge.

Octavia Free of charge?

Coco Yeah and it won’t cost you a penny either.

Octavia Very well. And don’t expect a tip.

Coco Hop in and mind the gap.

Octavia enters taxi and Harpo takes up the driver’s position.

Harpo Hold tight now, here we go.

Coco (stops him) Hang on! I’m supposed to be driving this time!

Harpo Oh yeah, I forgot. (swaps places with Coco)

Octavia Hurry up and get a move on!

Coco Patience madam. We must do all the safety checks first. Now, is your seatbelt on?

Octavia There isn’t one!

Coco No smoking in the back.

Octavia I don’t smoke!

Harpo (to Coco) Just get going, you idiot!

Coco Check wind speed. (licks a finger and holds it in the air) Chocks away. Huston Control, we have lift off! (drives taxi off SR)

Octavia (shouts off) Watch out you fool!

SFX: Squeal of tyres followed by a loud crashing sound.

Enter Coco and Harpo at a run (SR)

Harpo How did you manage to crash the taxi into a lamppost?

Coco I was distracted by a chicken crossing the road.

Harpo You are joking, aren’t you?

Coco No. I don’t know any chicken crossing the road jokes.

Enter Octavia (SR) fuming.

Octavia I’m going to make you both suffer horribly!

Harpo You’re not gonna sing to us, are you?

Octavia I don’t sing! But I do break necks!

Coco Run, Harpo!

Exit Harpo and Coco at a run (SL)

Octavia You can’t escape from me! (chases after them)

Enter Prince Valiant and his Valet (SR)

Valet Are you sure you’ve thought this through, your highness?

Prince Yes, Justin. I feel stifled at the palace and yearn for adventure on the high sea. And who knows. I might even find romance out there on the waves.

Valet You’ve been watching old re-runs of The Love Boat again, haven’t you?

Prince So, what if I have?

Valet I don’t get it. You have every luxury possible at the palace.

Prince I care nothing for life’s luxuries, Justin. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, you know.

Valet So they say. Personally, I don’t buy it.

Prince Love is more important than money.

Valet Have you ever tried paying your gas bill with a hug?

Prince True happiness, is finding that one special person to share the rest of your life with.

Valet Maybe, so. But you have a much wider choice if you’re stinking rich.

Prince I don’t know why, but I have a feeling that out there…(pointing over audience)…that one special person is waiting for me.

Valet In the audience!?

Prince No! Out at sea!

Valet Oh, I see.

Prince Now, let’s hurry up to Copenhagen docks and find our ship.

Valet I’m not going with you, sire.

Prince I beg your pardon?

Valet Watch my lips. (slowly) I-am-not-going-with-you.

Prince But I thought…

Valet Well you thought wrong, didn’t you?

Prince I was hoping that we would share great adventures together.

Valet Sorry, sire. But I enjoy my luxurious life at the palace too much. And besides, I suffer from terrible seasickness. Well, goodbye your highness. I hope you find what you’re searching for. (exits SR)

Prince (gobsmacked) Well, that was unexpected! Still, it’s probably for the best. Captain Codpiece wouldn’t appreciate him barfing all over the ship. Farewell pampered boring life, hello exciting adventure and romance! (exits SL)