SCENE ONE
THE TOWN SQUARE – MARKET DAY
A row of manned stalls are upstage. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Patches [SR]
PATCHES: Hiya, folks! My name’s I’m Patches, and I’m a royal valet at the court of Emperor Fancypants, who’s totally obsessed with clothes and changes his outfits more often than a catwalk model. But the cost of his obsession is bankrupting the kingdom, and the Chancellor has decided that his son Prince Jacquard must marry a rich heiress to restore the kingdom’s fortunes. So, I’m here to meet two rich heiresses who are arriving today and take them to the palace. I sometimes wonder what it must be like to be rich, and I often dream about winning the lottery. Somebody once said, ‘if you want something bad enough and repeat it often enough, you’ll get it in the end’. So, I’m going to test that theory out, and you can all help me. Whenever I come on and sing, #Who wants to be a millionaire…# You all reply, ‘Patches’! And let’s see if we can make me rich by the end of the show.
Enter Heiresses Damask and Percale [SL] singing.
HEIRESSES: #Come on over to our place. Hey boys, we’re having a party…#
PATCHES: [aside] These two look like the advance troops for a Halloween hen party.
PERCALE: [to Patches] What are you gawping at, mush?
DAMASK: He’s obviously mesmerised by our breathtaking beauty.
PERCALE: That’s because we look like statues of Greek goddesses.
PATCHES: [aside] Ancient and crumbling.
DAMASK: He’s probably never seen women like us before.
PATCHES: You can say that again.
PERCALE: That’s because we have that little something extra that other women don’t.
PATCHES: I’ll bet you do.
DAMASK: It’s that indefinable something that nobody can put their finger on.
PATCHES: I doubt anybody would want to.
PERCALE: It’s called charisma, and we have it in buckets!
PATCHES: [aside] And they both look about ready to kick them.
DAMASK: In a world of mediocrity, we stand out.
Heiresses hoist their bosoms.
PATCHES: I can see that.
PERCALE: We’re both huge social media stars!
PATCHES: I once bought a book on social media, but I never Reddit. [laughs] Reddit?
DAMASK: I’m a top Instagram beauty influencer.
PATCHES: It’s amazing what filters can do, isn’t it?
PERCALE: And TikTok is fast taking over my life.
PATCHES: Not as fast as your body-clock I’ll wager.
DAMASK: [to audience] And all you men will be pleased to know I’m still single and fancy free. Although it hasn’t been for the lack of offers, I can tell you.
PERCALE: Every day she offers to marry some random bloke and gets turned down.
DAMASK: You can talk! You’ve been turned down more often than bedsheets!
PERCALE: [vamps Patches] I bet you wouldn’t turn me down, would you, handsome?
PATCHES: I could probably force myself to.
DAMASK: I nearly married a prince once, but then Kate Middleton turned his head using witchcraft or something.
PATCHES: You’ll have to excuse me, ladies; I’m waiting for two rich heiresses to arrive.
PERCALE: We’re two rich heiresses!
PATCHES: What are your names?
PERCALE: I’m Percale Pampers, heir to a nappy empire.
DAMASK: And I’m Damask Dulux, heir to a paint dynasty.
HEIRESSES: And we’re BFF – best friends forever!
PATCHES: I’m Patches, and I’m here to take you both to the royal palace.
PERCALE: Are you a taxi driver?
PATCHES: No, I’m the royal valet.
DAMASK: You clean the royal limos?
PATCHES: I’m not that kind of valet.
PERCALE: What kind are you then?
PATCHES: I go for the Emperor.
DAMASK: Why? Can’t he go for himself?
PERCALE: Maybe he’s bed-ridden.
PATCHES: No, he isn’t, I just fetch and carry for him!
DAMASK: Then hurry up and carry us to the palace!
PERCALE: I hear Prince Jacquard’s desperate to get married, and I don’t want to keep him waiting.
DAMASK: And neither do I.
PATCHES: I doubt he’s that desperate.
PERCALE: Once he sees me, he’ll fall madly in lust and take up the aisle right away.
DAMASK: Dream on dear, it’s me he’ll want to marry.
PERCALE: Oh, no he won’t!
DAMASK: Oh, yes he will, because you’re ugly!
PERCALE: And you’re grotesque!
DAMASK: I hate you!
PERCALE: I hate you more!
PATCHES: I thought you said you were best friends forever?
HEIRESSES: We are!
DAMASK: When I marry the Prince, she can be my chief bridesmaid.
PERCALE: And when I marry him, she can carry my train.
DAMASK: I’d rather throw you under one. [laughs]
PERCALE: Likewise, I’m sure. [laughs]
PATCHES: This way, er…ladies?
