The Emperor’s New Clothes

Scene One

The Town Square – Market Day

Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus browse around stalls.

Enter Patches at a run (SR)

PATCHES: Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Patches, and I’m a Royal Valet. I used to be a Royal Jester, but I gave it because everybody kept laughing at me. But I’ve decided to keep my jester’s catchphrase. So, whenever you hear me shout how’s the show going!? I want – you all to reply, patchy Patches! Let’s try it shall we? (exits and re-enters) How’s the show going? (response) Wonderful! Now, I’m valet to Emperor Fancypants, who is totally obsessed with clothes and wears more outfits in a day than a catwalk super-model. But the cost of his obsession, is bankrupting the kingdom. So, the Chancellor has decided that Prince Jacquard must marry a rich heiress in order to restore the kingdom’s fortunes. Two heiresses are arriving today, and I’ve been sent to meet them and take them to the palace. They should be arriving any minute now.

Enter Heiresses Damask and Percale (SL) singing.

HEIRESSES: ‘Come on over to our place. Hey boys we’re having a party…’

PATCHES: (to audience) These two look like advance troops for a Halloween hen party.

PERCALE: (to Patches) What are you gawping at, mush?

DAMASK: He’s obviously mesmerised by our breath-taking beauty.

PERCALE: That’s because we look like marble statues of Greek goddesses.

PATCHES: (aside to audience) Ancient and crumbling.

DAMASK: It’s hard to believe I haven’t been snapped up by some handsome hunk, isn’t it? Although it hasn’t been for the lack of offers, I can tell you.

PERCALE: Every day she offers to marry some random bloke and gets turned down.

DAMASK: You can talk. You’ve been turned down more often than bedsheets.

PERCALE: (vamping Patches) I’ll bet you wouldn’t turn me down, would you handsome?

PATCHES: I could probably force myself, too.

DAMASK: I almost married a Prince once. But then Kate Middleton turned his head, by using witchcraft or something.

PATCHES: If you’ll excuse me ladies, I’m waiting for two rich heiresses.

PERCALE: What are their names?

PATCHES: Percale Pampers, and Damask Dulux.

PERCALE: I’m Percale Pampers, heir to a nappy empire.

DAMASK: And I’m Damask Dulux, heir to a paint products dynasty.

HEIRESSES: And we’re best friends forever!

PATCHES: I’m Patches and I’ve been sent to take you both to the palace.

PERCALE: Are you a taxi-driver?

PATCHES: No, I’m the royal valet.

DAMASK: You clean the royal limos?

PATCHES: I’m not that kind of valet.

PERCALE: What kind are you then?

PATCHES: I go for the Emperor.

DAMASK: Why – can’t he go for himself?

PERCALE: Most men have that problem eventually.

PATCHES: No! It means I fetch and carry for him.

DAMASK: Then hurry up and fetch us to the palace!

PERCALE: I hear Prince Jacquard is desperate to get married, so we’re perfectly matched.

PATCHES: I doubt he’s that desperate.

DAMASK: Once he sees me, he’ll want to marry me right away.

PERCALE: Dream on. He’ll fall head-over-heels in lust with me and propose immediately.

DAMASK: Oh no, he won’t!

PERCALE: Oh yes, he will!

DAMASK: You’re ugly!

PERCALE: You’re uglier!

DAMASK: I hate you!

PERCALE: I hate you more!

PATCHES: I thought you said you were best friends forever?

HEIRESSES: We are!

DAMASK: And after I marry the Prince, we’ll still be best friends.

PERCALE: When I marry the Prince, you can be chief bridesmaid and carry my train.

DAMASK: I’d rather throw you under one. (laughs)

PERCALE: Likewise, dear! (laughs)

PATCHES: (to audience) Once he meets these two, the Prince will probably abdicate. This way – ladies?

Exit Patches and Heiresses (SR)

Enter Nip and Tuck (SL) Tuck carries a large sack.

TUCK: Right Nip. You distract the stallholders, while I sneak their stuff into this sack.

NIP: Okay, Tuck. What kind of stuff will you be nicking then?

TUCK: All sorts.

NIP: Oh, lovely. The pink ones are my favourite.

TUCK: I don’t mean Liquorice Allsorts! I mean all sorts of stuff!

NIP: Try and nick me a ladies’ handbag while you’re at it.

TUCK: Why do you want a ladies’ handbag? Is there something you should tell me, Nip?

NIP: It’s mum’s birthday tomorrow, and I promised I’d nick her a nice prezzie.

TUCK: I’ll keep an eye out for one.

NIP: It was mum who taught us how to nick stuff, wasn’t it?

TUCK: Yeah. Shame she got herself nicked breaking into that garden centre.

NIP: Do you think somebody grassed her up?

TUCK: Very funny. Come on, we’ll start at the stall at this end.

NIP: Righto, bruv.

Nip and Tuck move to the stalls.

Enter Taffeta and Stitch (SL) Taffeta carries a basket containing fabrics.

TAFFETA: I hope we sell something today Stitch, otherwise we’ll go hungry tonight. It’s been so hard ever since mum and dad died, but at least I have you for company. (Stitch nods) We’ll just keep going and hope that things get better soon. Right Stitch, let’s try selling some cloth. (calling) Cloth for sale! Get your beautiful cloth here! The finest fabric in the kingdom!

Stitch joins in by barking.

WOMAN 1: What an adorable little doggie!

Stitch takes some cloth from the basket and presents it to the Shoppers.

WOMAN 2: Look, he’s trying to sell us some cloth!

WOMAN 1: How cute is that!?

Stitch suddenly holds his tummy and whines pitifully.

WOMAN 2: (to Taffeta) Is your little doggie hungry, dear?

TAFFETA: Probably. But I need to sell some cloth before I can buy food for him.

WOMAN 1: We can’t let the poor little thing go hungry, Mavis.

WOMAN 2: Certainly not, Madge. (taking fabric from Stitch) I’ll buy this fabric my dear.

WOMAN 1: (take remaining fabric from basket) And I’ll take the rest in your basket.

TAFFETA: Thank you so much, ladies!

Stitch shakes their hands.

WOMAN 2: That’s so sweet!

Exit Shoppers.

TAFFETA: We shan’t go hungry tonight, Stitch. (Stitch rubs tummy) You weren’t faking tummy-ache to get sympathy, were you? (Stitch shakes head) That’s good.

Stitch secretly gives thumbs up to audience.

Enter Town Crier (SR)

T CRIER: (unrolls a scroll and reads) Hear ye! Hear ye! The Emperor Fancypants wishes to announce, that he’s looking for a tailor to make him a new suit for the royal parade. Money is no object, but only the finest tailors need apply. All interested parties must present themselves tomorrow morning, at the palace. (rolls up scroll and exits SR)

TAFFETA: This could be just the break I’ve been waiting for, Stitch. (Stitch nods) Who am I kidding? The Emperor will never take a young girl like me seriously. Come on Stitch, let’s go home. (exits SL with Stitch)

TUCK: (dragging Nip downstage) Did you hear that, Nip?

NIP: Yeah, but what’s it got to do wiv us?

TUCK: Plenty. Because we’re about to go into the tailoring business.

NIP: But we isn’t tailors, bruv. We’re con-artists.

TUCK: Yes, and this could be the scam of a lifetime for us.

NIP: Surely you’re not thinking of conning the Emperor?

TUCK: Why not? (posh voice) Your majesty, allow me to introduce us. I am Armani De Gucci, clothes designer to the rich and famous. And this is my companion, Calvin Versace.

NIP: Cor! Them’s posh names, innit?

TUCK: Yes, so he’s bound to be impressed, isn’t he?

NIP: But we don’t know nuffink about making clobber.

TUCK: I know that and you know that. But the Emperor doesn’t know that, does he? We just have to make him believe, that we’re the greatest tailors in the world.

NIP: Do you think we’ll manage it?

TUCK: ‘Course we will. We just need to practice our patter.

NIP: Do what?

TUCK: Patter! Patter!

NIP: Righto. (pats a Woman)

WOMAN: (to Nip) ‘Ere! What do think you’re playing at?

NIP: (pointing at Tuck) He told me to do it!

TUCK: I didn’t tell you to go around grabbing old bags!

WOMAN: How dare you! (takes a rolling-pin from her bag)

NIP: What are you gonna do wiv that rolling-pin, Mrs?

WOMAN: (raises the rolling-pin) I’m going to crack your crusts!

TUCK: Run, Nip!

Nip and Tuck run off around stage, chased by the Woman. Music cue 3:

WOMAN: Just wait ‘til I catch you both!

Exit Nip and Tuck (SL) followed by Woman.