Scene One
The Town Square – Market Day
Music cue 2: Townsfolk.After song ends…All wander off. Some man the stalls and others become customers. Patches runs on (SR)
Patches (to audience) Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Patches, and I’m the Royal Valet. I used to be the Royal Jester, but I gave it because everybody kept laughing at me. But I’ve decided to keep my catchphrase which is, how’s it going folks? So, whenever you hear me shout that out, you all reply, patchy Patches! Let’s try it shall we? (exits and re-enters) How’s it going folks? (response) Wonderful! I’m valet to Emperor Fancypants, who is totally obsessed with clothes and wears more outfits in a day than a super-model. And his craving for them is bankrupting the kingdom. So, the Chancellor has decided that Prince Felipe must marry a rich heiress to restore the kingdom’s fortunes. Two rich heiresses are arriving today, and I’ve been sent to meet them and take them to the palace. They should be arriving any minute now.
Heiresses Rihanna and Penelope enter (SL) singing.
Heiresses ’Come on over to our place. Hey boys we’re having a party…’
Patches (to audience) They look like the advance party for a hen night.
Penelope (to Patches) What are you gawping at?
Rihanna He’s obviously mesmerised by our breath-taking beauty.
Penelope That’s because we have the faces and bodies of Greek goddesses.
Patches (aside to audience) Ancient and crumbling.
Rihanna (to audience) It’s hard to believe I haven’t been snapped up by some handsome hunk, isn’t it? Although it hasn’t been for the lack of offers, I can tell you.
Penelope Every day she offers to marry some random bloke and every day they turn her down.
Rihanna (vamping Patches) I bet you wouldn’t turn me down, would you?
Patch I could probably force myself, too.
Penelope I don’t blame you. She’s been turned down more often than bedsheets.
Rihanna I almost married a Prince once. But then Kate Middleton turned his head, using witchcraft or something.
Patch If you’ll excuse me ladies. I’m looking for two rich heiresses. (goes to move away)
Penelope (grabs him back) We’re two rich heiresses!
Patch What’s your names?
Penelope I’m Penelope Pampers. Heir to a nappy empire.
Rihanna And I’m Rihanna Ronseal. Heir to a wood preserve conglomerate.
Penelope And we’re best friends forever.
Patches I’m Patches and I’ve been sent to take you both to the palace.
Penelope Are you a taxi-driver?
Patches No, I’m the royal valet.
Rihanna You clean the royal limos?
Patches I’m not that kind of valet.
Penelope What kind are you then?
Patches I go for the Emperor.
Rihanna Why? Can’t he go for himself?
Penelope Most men have that problem when they get too old.
Patches No! It means I fetch and carry for him.
Rihanna Then hurry up and fetch us to the palace!
Rihanna Apparently, Prince Felipe is desperate to get married, so we’re perfectly matched.
Rihanna I doubt he’s that desperate. But once sees me, he’ll want to marry me right away.
Penelope In your dreams, dear. As soon as he claps eyes on me, he’ll fall head-over-heels in lust and want to take me up the aisle.
Rihanna Oh no, he won’t!
Penelope Oh yes, he will!
Rihanna In a pig’s eye!
Penelope That’ll be yours then.
Rihanna I hate you!
Penelope I hate you more!
Patches I thought you said you were best friends forever?
Heiresses We are!
Rihanna But all’s fair in love and war, as they say.
Penelope And whatever happens, we’ll still be BBF’s. (to Rihanna) Won’t we?
Rihanna Yes. You can still be my bridesmaid.
Penelope And you can still carry my train.
Rihanna I’d rather throw you under one. (laughs)
Penelope (laughs) You’re such a tease, Rhia!
Patches (to audience) The Prince will probably abdicate, once he meets these two. (to Heiresses) This way, ladies. (leads them off SR)
Nip and Tuck enter (SL) Tuck carries a large sack.
Tuck Okay Nip. You distract the stallholders with some witty banter, while I sneak their stuff into this sack.
Nip Righto, Tuck. What sort of stuff will you be nicking then?
Tuck All sorts.
Nip Sweet! The pink ones are my favourite.
Tuck I don’t mean Liquorice Allsorts! I meant all sorts, of goodies.
Nip In that case, try and nick me a nice ladies’ handbag.
Tuck What do you want with a ladies’ handbag? ‘Ere, you’re not transitioning, are you?
Nip No! It’s mum’s birthday tomorrow and I promised I’d nick her a nice prezzie.
Tuck Okay, I’ll keep a lookout for one.
Nip Mum spent years teaching us how to nick stuff, didn’t she?
Tuck Yeah. Shame she got herself nicked though.
Nip How did it happen again?
Tuck She pinched two tins of Magenta emulsion from B&Q and got caught red-handed. (to audience) Think about it. (to Nip) We’ll start at that end stall.
During the following, they can be seen distracting the Stallholders and stealing stuff. Taffeta and Stitch enter (SL) Taffeta carries a basket containing fabrics.
Taffeta I hope we sell something at today’s market, Stitch. Otherwise we’ll go hungry tonight. It’s been hard ever since mum and dad died, but at least I’ve got you to keep me company. And we get by, don’t we? (Stitch nods) We’ll just have to keep going and hope that things get better soon. (lights dim to blackout and spotlight comes up on Taffeta. Everybody else remains still during the song. Music cue 3: Taffeta. After song ends…Lights return to normal and everybody moves again) Now let’s get cracking and try selling some cloth, Stitch. (calling) Cloth for sale! Get your cloth here! The finest fabric in the whole kingdom!
Stitch joins in by barking.
Shopper 1 What a lovely little doggie.
Stitch picks up some cloth and presents it to the Shoppers.
Shopper 2 Ah, look. He’s trying to sell us some cloth.
Shopper 1 How cute is that!
Stitch suddenly drops the cloth, holds his tummy and whines pitifully.
Shopper 2 (to Taffeta) I think your little doggie’s hungry.
Stitch nods and whines even more.
Shopper 1 (to Taffeta) Don’t you have anything to feed him?
Taffeta I’m afraid not. I haven’t sold any cloth in ages and have no money to buy food.
Shopper 2 We can’t let the poor little doggie go hungry, Mavis.
Shopper 1 You’re right Madge. (to Taffeta picking up the fabric) Here, let me buy this fabric.
Shopper 2 (picking up the remaining fabric from the basket) And I’ll take the rest.
Taffeta Thank you, so much.
Stitch shakes their hands.
Shopper 1 That’s so sweet!
Shopper 2 (to Taffeta) Cheerio dear.
Shoppers exit and Stitch does thumbs up to the audience.
Taffeta We shan’t go hungry tonight, Stitch. I’ll buy you a nice big tin of Pedigree Chum on the way home. (Stitch whispers) You don’t want Pedigree Chum? (Stitch shakes head) Then what do you want? (Stitch whispers) I’m don’t think they allow dogs in MacDonald’s, Stitch. But I’m pretty sure they’ll deliver.
The Town Crier enters (SR) and unrolls a scroll.
Town Crier Hear ye! Hear ye! Emperor Fancypants wishes to announce, that he is looking for somebody to make him a new suit for the royal parade. Money is no object, but only the finest tailors need apply. All interested parties must present themselves tomorrow, at the palace. (rolls up the scroll and exits SR)
Taffeta This could be just the break I’ve been waiting for, Stitch. (Stitch nods) Who am I kidding? The Emperor will never take a young girl like me seriously. Come on Stitch, let’s go home and order that MacDonald’s. (exits SL)
Tuck drags Nip downstage.
Tuck Did you hear that, Nip?
Nip Yeah, but what’s it got to do wiv us?
Tuck Plenty. Because we’re about to go into the tailoring business.
Nip But we isn’t tailors, bruv. We’re conmen.
Tuck Yes, and this could be the scam of a lifetime for us.
Nip Surely you’re not thinking of conning the Emperor?
Tuck Why not? (posh voice) Your majesty, allow me to introduce us. I am Armani De Gucci, clothes designer to the rich and famous. And this is my companion, Calvin Versace.
Nip Cor! Them’s posh names, innit?
Tuck Yes, so he’s bound to be impressed, isn’t he?
Nip But we don’t know nuffink about making clobber.
TuckI know that and you know that. But he doesn’t know that, does he? We just have to make him believe, that we’re the greatest tailors in the whole world.
Nip Do you think we’ll manage it?
Tuck ‘Course we will. Now, let’s go and work on our patter.
Nip Do what?
Tuck Patter! Patter!
Nip Righto. (pats a female Chorus Member)
Woman (to Nip) ‘Ere! What do think you’re playing at?
Nip (pointing to Tuck) He told me to do it!
Tuck I didn’t tell you to go around touching old bags!
Woman How dare you! (takes a rolling-pin out of her bag)
Nip What are you gonna do wiv that rolling-pin?
Woman (raises the rolling-pin) I’m going to crack your crusts!
Tuck Run, Nip!
Music cue 4: They run around stage and off (SL) chased by the Woman.
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