The Emperor’s New Clothes



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SKU: EmperorsnewclothesPS Category:



Hans Christian Andersen’s classic fairy-tale, given a panto makeover. When the egotistical and clothes-obsessed, Emperor Fancypants engages con-artists Nip and Tuck, to make him the most fabulous outfit.

They con him into purchasing a suit of clothes so finely made, that only the most intelligent of people can actually see it. And the costs keep escalating, until the kingdom is virtually bankrupt.

After much comedy business, the Emperor’s eyes are finally opened by an innocent child, and Nip and Tuck are finally brought to book.


10 principals also includes some smaller roles and several cameo roles, plus a Dog.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




Stitch The Dog
Witch Thimble
Royal Dresser 1
Royal Dresser 2
Polly Ester
Shopper 1
Shopper 2
Town Crier
Dancers; Townsfolk; Maids; Workers; Stallholders; etc.




A row of manned stalls are upstage. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Patches [SR]

PATCHES: Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Patches, and I’m a Royal Valet. I used to be a Royal Jester, but I gave it because everybody kept laughing at me. But I’ve decided to keep my jester’s catchphrase. So, whenever you hear me shout how’s it going!? I want you all to reply, Patchy Patches! Let’s try it shall we? [exits and re-enters] How’s it going? I’m actually valet to Emperor Fancypants, who’s totally obsessed with clothes and wears more outfits daily than a catwalk model. But the cost is bankrupting the kingdom, and the Chancellor’s decided that Prince Jacquard must marry a rich heiress in order to restore the kingdom’s fortunes. Two heiresses are arriving today, and I’ve been sent to meet them and take them to the palace to meet the prince.

Enter Heiresses Damask and Percale [SL] singing.

HEIRESSES: ’Come on over to our place. Hey boys we’re having a party…’

PATCHES: [to audience] These two look like advance troops for a Halloween hen party.

PERCALE: [to Patches] What are you gawping at, mush?

DAMASK: He’s obviously mesmerised by our breath-taking beauty.

PERCALE: That’s because we look like statues of Greek goddesses.

PATCHES: [aside to audience] Ancient and crumbling.

DAMASK: He probably hasn’t seen women like us before.

PATCHES: You can say that again.

PERCALE: That’s because we have that little extra something that other women don’t.

PATCHES: I’ll bet you do

DAMASK: It’s that indefinable something that nobody can put their finger on.

PATCHES: I doubt anybody would want to.

PERCALE: It’s called charisma, and we have it in buckets.

PATCHES: [aside to audience] And they both look about ready to kick them.

DAMASK: In a world of mediocrity we both stand out.

Heiresses hoist bosoms.

PATCHES: I can see that.

PERCALE: We are also social media superstars.

PATCHES: I once bought a book on social media, but I never Reddit. [laughs]

DAMASK: I’m a top Instagram influenza.

PATCHES: That’s definitely not to be sneezed at.

PERCALE: TikTok is fast taking over my life.

PATCHES: Not as fast as your body-clock by the looks of it.

DAMASK: It’s hard to believe that I’m still single and fancy free. Although it hasn’t been for the lack of offers, I can tell you.

PERCALE: Every day she offers to marry some random bloke and gets turned down.

DAMASK: You can talk. You’ve been turned down more often than bedsheets.

PERCALE: [vamping Patches] I bet you wouldn’t turn me down, would you handsome?

PATCHES: I could probably force myself, too.

DAMASK: I nearly married a Prince once. But then Kate Middleton turned his head by using witchcraft or something.

PATCHES: Well, if you’ll excuse me ladies, I’m just waiting for two rich heiresses.

PERCALE: But we’re two rich heiresses.

PATCHES: What are your names?

PERCALE: I’m Percale Pampers, heir to a nappy empire.

DAMASK: And I’m Damask Dulux, heir to a paint dynasty.

HEIRESSES: And we’re BBF’s.

PATCHES: I’m Patches and I’ve been sent to take you both to the royal palace.

PERCALE: Are you a taxi driver?

PATCHES: No, I’m the royal valet.

DAMASK: You clean the royal limos?

PATCHES: I’m not that kind of valet.

PERCALE: What kind are you then?

PATCHES: I go for the Emperor.

DAMASK: Why, can’t he go for himself?

PERCALE: Most men have that problem eventually.

PATCHES: It means I fetch and carry for him.

DAMASK: Then hurry up and carry us to the palace!

PERCALE: I hear that Prince Jacquard’s desperate to get married, so we’re perfectly matched.

PATCHES: I doubt he’s that desperate.

DAMASK: Once he sees me, he’ll fall in lust and want to take up the aisle right away.

PERCALE: Dream on sister, it’s me he’ll want to marry.

DAMASK: Oh no, he won’t!

PERCALE: Oh yes, he will!

DAMASK: You’re ugly!

PERCALE: You’re grotesque!

DAMASK: I hate you!

PERCALE: I hate you more!

PATCHES: I thought you said you were best friends forever?


DAMASK: When I marry the Prince, she can be my bridesmaid.

PERCALE: And when I marry him, she can carry my train.

DAMASK: I’d rather throw you under one. [laughs] Only joking.

PERCALE: Likewise, I’m sure. [laughs] Only joking. [aside] Not.

PATCHES: This way…ladies?

Exit Patches and Heiresses [SR]

Enter Nip and Tuck [SL] Tuck carries a large sack.