The Emperor’s New Clothes (Perusal)

Scene One

The Town Square – Market Day

Music cue 2: Townsfolk. After song ends…Townsfolk browse around the stalls.

Enter Patches at a run (SR)

Patches Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Patches, and I’m a Royal Valet. I used to be a Royal Jester, but I gave it because everybody kept laughing at me. But I’ve decided to keep my jester’s catchphrase. So, whenever you hear me shout how’s it going folks!? I want you all to reply, patchy Patches! Let’s try it shall we? (exits and re-enters) How’s it going folks? (response) Wonderful! Now, I’m valet to Emperor Fancypants, who is totally obsessed with clothes and wears more outfits in a day than a catwalk super-model. But the cost of his obsession with clothes, is bankrupting the kingdom. So, the Chancellor has decided that Prince Jacquard must marry a rich heiress in order to restore the kingdom’s fortunes. Two heiresses are arriving today, and I’ve been sent to meet them and take them to the palace. They should be arriving any minute now.

Enter Heiresses Damask and Percale (SL) singing.

Heiresses #Come on over to our place. Hey boys we’re having a party…#

Patches (to audience) These two look like advance troops for Halloween hen party.

Percale (to Patches) What are you gawping at sunshine?

Damask He’s obviously mesmerised by our breath-taking beauty.

Percale That’s because we have the faces and bodies of Greek goddesses.

Patches (aside to audience) Ancient and crumbling.

Damask It’s hard to believe I haven’t been snapped up by some handsome hunk, isn’t it? Although it hasn’t been for the lack of offers, I can tell you.

Percale Every day she offers to marry some random bloke and every day they turn her down.

Damask You can talk. You’ve been turned down more often than bedsheets.

Percale (vamping Patches) I bet you wouldn’t turn me down, would you?

Patches I could probably force myself, too.

Damask I almost married a Prince once. But then Kate Middleton turned his head, by using witchcraft or something.

Patches If you’ll excuse me ladies. I’m waiting for two rich heiresses.

Percale And what are their names?

Patches Percale Pampers. And Damask Dulux.

Damask That’s us!

Percale I’m Percale Pampers, heir to a nappy empire.

Damask And I’m Damask Dulux, heir to a paint products dynasty.

Heiresses And we’re best friends forever!

Patches I’m Patches and I’ve been sent to take you both to the palace.

Percale Are you a taxi-driver?

Patches No, I’m the royal valet.

Damask You clean the royal limos?

Patches I’m not that kind of valet.

Percale What kind are you then?

Patches I go for the Emperor.

Damask Why? Can’t he go for himself?

Percale Most men have that problem eventually.

Patches No! It means I fetch and carry for him.

Damask Then hurry up and fetch us to the palace!

Percale Apparently, Prince Jacquard is desperate to get married, so we’re perfectly matched.

Patches I doubt he’s that desperate.

Damask Once sees me, he’ll want to marry me right away.

Percale Dream on. He’ll fall head-over-heels in lust with me and propose immediately.

Damask Oh no, he won’t!

Percale Oh yes, he will!

Damask You’re ugly!

Percale You’re uglier!

Damask I hate you!

Percale I hate you more!

Patches I thought you said you were best friends forever?

Heiresses We are!

Damask But all’s fair in love and war, as they say.

Percale And whatever happens, we’ll still be best friends.

Damask She’ll be my bridesmaid.

Percale And she can carry my train.

Damask I’d rather throw you under one. (laughs)

Percale Likewise, I’m sure! (laughs)

Patches (to audience) Once he meets these two, the Prince will probably abdicate. This way please, ladies. (leads them off SR)

Exit Patches and Heiresses (SR)

Enter Nip and Tuck (SL) Tuck carries a large sack.

Tuck Right Nip. You distract the stallholders, while I sneak their stuff into this sack.

Nip Okay, Tuck. What kind of stuff will you be nicking then?

Tuck All sorts.

Nip Oh, lovely. The pink ones are my favourite.

Tuck I don’t mean Liquorice Allsorts! I meant all sorts, of stuff!

Nip In that case, try and nick me a nice ladies’ handbag.

Tuck What do you want with a ladies’ handbag? Is there something you should tell me, Nip?

Nip Only that it’s mum’s birthday tomorrow, and I promised I’d nick her a nice prezzie.

Tuck Okay, I’ll keep an eye out for one.

Nip It was mum who taught us how to nick stuff, wasn’t it?

Tuck Yeah. Shame she got herself nicked breaking into that garden centre.

Nip Do you think somebody grassed her up?

Tuck Very funny. Come on, we’ll start at the stall at this end.

Nip Righto, bruv.

Nip and Tuck move to the stalls.

Enter Taffeta and Stitch (SL) Taffeta carries a basket containing fabrics.

Taffeta I hope we sell something here today Stitch, otherwise we’ll go hungry tonight. It’s been so hard ever since mum and dad died, but at least I have you for company. (Stitch nods) We’ll just keep going and hope that things get better soon. (lights dim and a spotlight comes up on Taffeta. The rest remain still during the song. Music cue 3: Taffeta. After song ends…Lights return and everybody acts normal again) Right Stitch, let’s try selling some cloth. (calling) Cloth for sale! Get your cloth here! The finest fabric in the kingdom!

Stitch joins in by barking.

Shopper 1 What a lovely little doggie!

Stitch takes some cloth from the basket and presents it to the Shoppers.

Shopper 2 Aaaah, look. He’s trying to sell us some cloth.

Shopper 1 How cute is that!

Stitch suddenly holds his tummy and whines pitifully.

Shopper 2 (to Taffeta) I think your little doggie’s hungry, dear.

Taffeta I know, but I need to sell some cloth before I can buy any food for him.

Shopper 1 We can’t let the poor little thing go hungry, Mavis.

Shopper 2 Certainly not, Madge. (taking fabric from Stitch) Here, let me buy this fabric.

Shopper 1 (taking the remaining fabric from the basket) And I’ll take the rest.

Taffeta Thank you ever so much, ladies.

Stitch shakes their hands.

Shopper 2 Aaaah! That’s so sweet!

Exit Shoppers exit and Stitch gives a thumbs up to the audience.

Taffeta Well done, Stitch. We shan’t go hungry tonight.

Enter Town Crier (SR)

Town Crier (unrolls a scroll and reads) Hear ye! Hear ye! The Emperor Fancypants wishes to announce, that he is looking for a tailor to make him a new suit for the royal parade. Money is no object, but only the finest tailors need apply. All interested parties must present themselves tomorrow morning, at the palace. (rolls up scroll and exits SR)

Taffeta This could be just the break we’ve been waiting for, Stitch. (Stitch nods) Who am I kidding? The Emperor will never take a young girl like me seriously. Come on Stitch, let’s go home and see what other cloth we have left to sell. (exits SL with Stitch)

Tuck (dragging Nip downstage) Did you hear that, Nip?

Nip Yeah, but what’s it got to do wiv us?

Tuck Plenty. Because we’re about to go into the tailoring business.

Nip But we isn’t tailors, bruv. We’re conmen.

Tuck Yes, and this could be the scam of a lifetime for us.

Nip Surely, you’re not thinking of conning the Emperor?

Tuck Why not? (posh voice) Your majesty, allow me to introduce us. I am Armani De Gucci, clothes designer to the rich and famous. And this is my companion, Calvin Versace.

Nip Cor! Them’s posh names, innit?

Tuck Yes, so he’s bound to be impressed, isn’t he?

Nip But we don’t know nuffink about making clobber.

Tuck I know that and you know that. But the Emperor doesn’t know that, does he? We just have to make him believe, that we’re the greatest tailors in the whole world.

Nip Do you think we’ll manage it?

Tuck ‘Course we will. Now, let’s go and work on our patter.

Nip Do what?

Tuck Patter! Patter!

Nip Righto. (pats an Old Woman)

Woman (to Nip) ‘Ere! What do think you’re playing at?

Nip (pointing at Tuck) He told me to do it!

Tuck I didn’t tell you to go around grabbing old bags!

Woman How dare you! (takes a rolling-pin out of her bag)

Nip What are you gonna do wiv that rolling-pin?

Woman (raises the rolling-pin) I’m going to crack your crusts!

Tuck Run, Nip!

Music cue 4: They run off around stage, chased by the Woman.

Woman Just wait until I catch you both!

Exit Nip and Tuck at a run (SL) followed by the Woman.