The Emperor’s New Clothes (Perusal)

Scene One

The Town Square – Market Day

Music cue 1: Townsfolk. After song ends….All wander off. Some man the stalls and others become customers.

Patch runs on (SR)

Patch

(to audience) Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Patch, and I’m the valet for Emperor Fancypants. And his name suits him, because he’s obsessed with clothes. He goes through more outfits in a day, than a super-model at a fashion show. I did apply to be the royal jester, but that job went to Julian Clary…(or other camp comedian) I’d even got my own catchphrase. Would you like to hear it? (audience respond) My catchphrase was…’how’s it going’? And the response is…’so-so, Patch’. Get it? (mimes sewing actions) ‘Sew-sew’? (points to himself) ‘Patch’! Let’s try it shall we. (exits and re-enters) How’s it going? (audience respond) Wonderful! If you respond like that every time I say it, it’ll make me feel not so bad about missing out on the jester’s job. Now I’m just off for a browse around the stalls. (starts browsing)

Heiresses Valium and Prozac strut on (SL) singing.

Heiresses

#Come on over to my place. Hey Princey, we’re having a party…#

Patch

(spots them) Ey-up! It’s the chuckle sisters.

Prozac

(to Patch) What are you all gawping at? Just because we have the bodies and the faces of Greek goddesses, that’s no excuse for staring!

Valium

He can’t help it, Pro. He’s only human after all.

Patch

(to audience) I’m not sure I can say the same about them.

Prozac

You’re right, Pro. (to audience) Go on then, feast your eyes on us.

Heiresses pull sexy poses.

Patch

(to audience) If that’s a feast, I’d rather starve.

Valium

Allow me to introduce us. I’m Miss Valium Crock-Pot. And this is my BFF, Miss Prozac Pampers.

Prozac
(to audience) It’s hard to believe I haven’t been snapped up by some gorgeous hunk, isn’t it? Well it hasn’t been for the lack of offers, I can tell you.

Valium

It’s true. Every day she offers to marry some random bloke and every day they turn her down. Whereas I’m hoping to marry Prince Jack.

Patch

(exclaims) Prince Jack!?

Prozac

Yes. Apparently, he’s desperate to get married, so we’re perfectly matched.

Valium

I almost married a Prince once.

Patch

Really?

Prozac

Yes. But then Kate Middleton turned up and turned his head, using witchcraft or something. Well it must’ve been, mustn’t? I mean, what’s she got that I haven’t?

Patch

Everything.

Valium

Once Prince Jack sees me, he’ll want to marry me right away.

Prozac
In your dreams! Once he claps eyes on me, he’ll fall head-over-heels in lust and take me straight up the aisle.

Valium

Oh no, he won’t!

Prozac

Oh yes, he will!

Patch

I thought you just said you were best friends forever?

Heiresses

We are!

Patch

But you’re fighting over the same man.

Valium

Yes, but you know what they say. ‘All’s fair in love and war’.

Prozac

And whatever happens, we’ll still be best friends. (to Valium) Won’t we?

Valium

Yes. You can still be my bridesmaid.

Prozac

And you can still carry my train.

Valium

I’d rather throw you under one.

Prozac

(to Patch) She’s such a tease.

Valium

(to Patch) Which way is it to the palace?

Patch

I’ll take you there if you like.

Prozac

Are you a taxi-driver, then?

Patch

No, I’m the royal valet.

Valium

You mean you clean all the royal limos?

Patch

I’m not that kind of valet.

Prozac

What kind are you then?

Patch

I go for the Emperor.

Valium

Why? Can’t he go for himself?

Prozac

Most men have that problem when they get a bit too old.

Patch

No! It means I fetch and carry for him.

Valium
Then hurry up and fetch us to the palace!

Patch
Follow me, ladies. (to audience) I can’t wait to see the Prince’s face when he meets these two. (leads them off SR)

Nip and Tuck enter (SL) Tuck carries a large sack.

Tuck

Now don’t forget Nip. You distract the stallholders with some witty banter, while I sneak as much stuff into this sack as possible.

Nip

Right’o, Tuck. What sort of stuff will you be nicking then?

Tuck

All sorts.

Nip

Oh, they’re my favourite.  I bagsy the pink ones.

Tuck

I don’t mean Liquorice Allsorts! I mean all sorts of goodies.

Nip

Well try and nick me a nice ladies handbag.

Tuck

What do you want with a ladies’ handbag? ‘Ere, you’re not turning funny, are you?

Nip

No! It’s mum’s birthday tomorrow and I promised we’d buy her a prezzie.

Tuck

But we’re not buying it, are we? We’re nicking it.

Nip

I know. Mum will be so proud of us. She spent years teaching us how to nick stuff.

Tuck

Yeah. Pity she got herself caught though. (to audience) How did it happen again?

Nip

She was painting a wall and ran out of red paint. So, she broke into B&Q to nick some more. But the lid came off one of the tins and she got caught red-handed.

Tuck

We’ll start at that end stall and work our way along.

They move to the stall at the end and during the following, can be seen distracting the Stallholders and stealing stuff.

Taffeta and Stitch enter (SL) Taffeta carries a basket containing fabrics.

Taffeta

Well Stitch, here we are at the market. I only hope we sell something today, otherwise we’ll go hungry tonight. It’s been hard since mum and dad died, but at least I’ve got you to keep me company. (Stitch snuggles against her) And we get by, don’t we?  (Stitch nods) I’ll just have to keep going and hope that things get better. (lights dim to blackout and spotlight comes up on Taffeta. Everybody else remains still during the song. Music cue 2: Taffeta. After song ends…Lights return to normal and everybody acts as before) Now let’s get cracking and try selling some cloth, Stitch. (calling) Cloth for sale! Get your cloth here! The finest fabric in the whole kingdom!

Stitch joins in by yelping and two female Shoppers move to them.

Shopper 1

What a lovely little doggie.

Stitch picks up some cloth and presents it to the Shoppers.

Shopper 2

Ah, look. He’s trying to sell us some cloth.

Shopper 1

How cute is that!

Stitch suddenly drops the cloth, holds his tummy and whines pitifully.

Shopper 2

(to Taffeta) I think your little doggie’s hungry.

Stitch nods and whines even more.

Shopper 1
(to Taffeta) Don’t you have anything to feed him?

Taffeta

I’m afraid not. I haven’t sold any cloth in ages and have no money to buy food.

Shopper 2

We can’t let the poor little doggie go hungry, Mavis.

Shopper 1

You’re right Madge. (to Taffeta picking up the fabric) Here, let me buy this fabric.

Shopper 2

(picking up the remaining fabric from the basket) And I’ll take the rest.

Taffeta

Oh, thank you! Thank you both!

Stitch also thanks the Shoppers by shaking their hands.

Taffeta

And Stitch thanks you too.

Shoppers

That’s so sweet!

Shoppers turn and exit with the fabric.

Taffeta

Now that we have money Stitch, we can buy food. (thinks) Hang on a minute. You had the last of the porridge this morning, so you shouldn’t be hungry yet. Did you put an act on for those two ladies, Stitch?

Stitch looks down cocks his head slightly and looks up, sheepish.

Taffeta

Naughty boy, Stitch. I don’t want to earn money by playing on people’s sympathy.

Stitch hangs his head and scrapes his foot along the floor.

Taffeta

All right, I forgive you this time. But in future, you’ll sit quietly while I try selling stuff.

Stitch brightens up and fusses around her and she pets him affectionately.

Nip and Tuck still move around the stalls looking for stuff to pinch.

The Town Crier enters (SR) and unrolls a scroll.

Town Crier

Hear ye! Hear ye!  Emperor Fancypants wishes to announce, that he is looking for someone to make him a new suit for the royal parade. Only the finest tailors need apply and money is no object. All interested parties should present themselves tomorrow, at the palace.  (rolls up the scroll and exits SR)

Taffeta

This could be just the break I’ve been waiting for, Stitch. (suddenly downbeat) What am I saying? He’ll never take a poor girl like me seriously. Come on Stitch, we’ll go home and forget all about it. At least we’ll eat a good supper tonight. (exits SL)

Tuck pulls Nip downstage.

Tuck

Did you hear that, Nip?

Nip

Yeah, but what’s it got to do wiv us?

Tuck

Plenty. Because we’re going into the tailoring business

Nip

But we isn’t tailors, bruv. We’re conmen.

Tuck

Yes, and this could be the scam of a lifetime for us.

Nip
You mean, we’re gonna con the Emperor?

Tuck
(posh voice) Your majesty, allow me to introduce us. I am Armani De Gucci, clothes designer to the rich and famous. (introducing Nip) And this is my companion, Calvin Versace.

Nip

Cor! Them’s posh names, innit?

Tuck
All clothes designers have posh names.

Nip

But we don’t know nuffink about making clobber.

Tuck
I know that and you know that.  But he doesn’t know that, does he? We just make him believe, that we’re the greatest tailors in the world.

Nip

Do you think we’ll manage it?

Tuck

‘Course we will. Now let’s go and work on our patter.

Nip

Do what?

Tuck

Patter! Patter!

Nip

Right’o. (pats a female Chorus Member)

Woman

(to Nip) ‘Ere! What do think you’re playing at?

Nip

(pointing to Tuck) He told me to do it!

Tuck

I didn’t tell you to go around touching old bags!

Woman

How dare you! (takes a rolling-pin out of her bag)

Nip

What are you gonna do wiv that rolling-pin?

Woman

(raises the rolling-pin) I’m going to flatten your crusts!

Tuck

Run, Nip!

Music cue 3: They run around stage and off (SL) chased by the Woman.