The Emperor’s New Clothes


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Hans Christian Andersen’s classic fairy-tale, given a panto makeover. When the egotistical and clothes-obsessed, Emperor Fancypants engages con-artists Nip and Tuck, to make him the most fabulous outfit.

They con him into purchasing a suit of clothes so finely made, that only the most intelligent of people can actually see it. And the costs keep escalating, until the kingdom is virtually bankrupt.

After much comedy business, the Emperor’s eyes are finally opened by an innocent child, and Nip and Tuck are finally brought to book.


10 principals also includes some smaller roles and several cameo roles, plus a Dog.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




Stitch The Dog
Witch Thimble
Royal Dresser 1
Royal Dresser 2
Polly Ester
Shopper 1
Shopper 2
Town Crier
Dancers; Townsfolk; Maids; Workers; Stallholders; etc.



A row of manned stalls are upstage. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Patches [SR]

PATCHES: Hiya folks! I’m Patches, and I’m a Royal Valet and Gofer at the court of Emperor Fancypants, who’s totally obsessed with clothes and changes outfits more often than a catwalk model. But the cost of his obsession is bankrupting the kingdom, and the Chancellor has decided that Prince Jacquard must marry a rich heiress in order to restore the kingdom’s fortunes. Two rich heiresses are arriving today, and I’ve been sent to meet them and take them to the palace. I’ve always wondered what it must be like to be rich, and often dream about winning the lottery. Somebody once said, ‘if you want something bad enough and repeat it often enough, you’ll get it in the end.’ So, I’m going to test that theory out and you can all help me. Every time I come on and sing, ‘who wants to be a millionaire?’ You all reply, ‘you do!’ and let’s see if we can get me rich.

Enter Heiresses Damask and Percale [SL] singing.

HEIRESSES: ‘Come on over to our place. Hey boys we’re having a party…’

PATCHES: [aside] These two look like the advance troops for a Halloween party.

PERCALE: [to Patches] What are you gawping at, mush?

DAMASK: He’s obviously mesmerised by our breathtaking beauty.

PERCALE: That’s because we look like statues of Greek goddesses.

PATCHES: [aside] Ancient and crumbling.

DAMASK: He’s probably never seen women like us before.

PATCHES: You can say that again.

PERCALE: That’s because we have that little something extra that other women don’t.

PATCHES: I’ll bet you do

DAMASK: It’s that indefinable something that nobody can put their finger on.

PATCHES: I doubt anybody would want to.

PERCALE: It’s called, ‘charisma,’ and we have it in buckets.

PATCHES: [aside] And they both look about ready to kick them.

DAMASK: In a world of mediocrity we stand out.

Heiresses hoist bosoms.

PATCHES: We can see that.

PERCALE: We’re also social media superstars.

PATCHES: I once bought a book on social media, but I never Reddit. [laughs] Reddit?

DAMASK: And I’m a top Instagram influenza.

PATCHES: That’s not to be sneezed at.

PERCALE: TikTok is fast taking over my life.

PATCHES: Not as fast as your body-clock by the looks of it.

DAMASK: You might be surprised to learn that I’m still single and fancy free. Although it hasn’t been for the lack of offers, I can tell you.

PERCALE: Every day she offers to marry some random bloke and gets turned down.

DAMASK: You can talk. You’ve been turned down more often than bedsheets.

PERCALE: [vamping Patches] I bet you wouldn’t turn me down, would you handsome?

PATCHES: I could probably force myself, too.

DAMASK: I nearly married a Prince once, but then Kate Middleton turned his head by using witchcraft or something.

PATCHES: Please excuse me ladies, I’m just waiting for two rich heiresses.

PERCALE: We’re two rich heiresses.

PATCHES: What are your names?

PERCALE: I’m Percale Pampers, heir to a nappy empire.

DAMASK: And I’m Damask Dulux, heir to a paint dynasty.


PATCHES: I’m Patches and I’ve been sent to take you both to the royal palace.

PERCALE: Are you a taxi driver then?

PATCHES: No, I’m the royal valet.

DAMASK: You clean the royal limos?

PATCHES: I’m not that kind of valet.

PERCALE: What kind are you then?

PATCHES: I go for the Emperor.

DAMASK: Why, can’t he go for himself?

PERCALE: Most men have that problem eventually.

PATCHES: It means I fetch and carry for him.

DAMASK: Then hurry up and fetch us to the palace!

PERCALE: I hear Prince Jacquard’s desperate to get married, and I don’t want to keep him waiting.

DAMASK: And neither do I.

PATCHES: I doubt he’s that desperate.

PERCALE: Once he sees me, he’ll fall madly in lust and take up the aisle right away.

DAMASK: Dream on dear, it’s me he’ll want to marry.

PERCALE: Oh no, he won’t!

DAMASK: Oh yes he will because you’re ugly!

PERCALE: And you’re grotesque!

DAMASK: I hate you!

PERCALE: I hate you more!

PATCHES: I thought you said you were best friends forever?


DAMASK: When I marry the Prince, she can be my chief bridesmaid.

PERCALE: And when I marry him, she can carry my train.

DAMASK: I’d rather throw you under one. [laughs]

PERCALE: Likewise, I’m sure. [laughs]

PATCHES: This way, er…ladies?