Snow White Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village of Folly-on-the-Wold

Typical panto village. Greenfly’s Greengrocer’s shop with a practical door is (USR) and outside it is a display stall laden with fruit and veg. Music cue 2: Chorus/Villagers (including Marsha) After song ends…

Jimmy

(calling off) Marsha!

Chorus 1

(to Marsha) Hey Marsha, here comes your boyfriend.

Marsha

Oh, no! Quick, hide me!

Chorus 2    
Why?

Marsha

I think he might be after something.

Chorus 3
Well if he hasn’t found it by now, he probably never will.

Chorus laugh.

Marsha

He asked me to help clean out his ferrets earlier, but I can’t stand anything that looks like a rat. (looking off) Here he comes! Don’t let him see me!

Chorus 4  
All right Marsha, hide behind us.

Marsha kneels down behind them with her hands covering her face.

Jimmy enters (SL) and casts his eye over the Chorus, trying to spot Marsha.

Chorus 5 
Are you looking for somebody, Jimmy?

Jimmy

Yes, I’m looking for Marsha.

Chorus 1 
(teasing) Marsha who?

Jimmy

Marsha Mellow. (goes all shy) My girlfriend.

Chorus 2 
What do you want with her?

Jimmy

I’ve got something to show her.

Chorus

(suggestively) Oooh!

Chorus 3    
What is it, Jimmy?

Jimmy

(bashful) I’m not telling.

Chorus 4
Don’t be shy Jimmy, you can show it to us.

Chorus 5 
Yes, come on Jimmy. Show us what you’ve got.

Jimmy

(even more bashful) I can’t!

Chorus 1
Show it to us and we might tell you where Marsha is.

Jimmy

(looks left, then right) Okay, but promise not to scream?

Chorus

We promise.

Jimmy

Close your eyes then.

Chorus close their eyes, nudging each other and giggling. Jimmy takes a ferret from his pocket, which is attached offstage by fishing-line leading into wing (SL)

Jimmy

You can look now.

Chorus open their eyes, scream and run off (SR) leaving Marsha still crouched on the floor with her hands covering her face.

Jimmy spots Marsha. He puts the ferret back in his pocket and bends down bringing his face in front of hers. She gradually peeps through her fingers and sees his face close to hers.

Marsha

(screams and stands) Jimmy Jester! What are you doing frightening the living daylights out of everyone?

Jimmy

(innocently) I was just showing them my furry little friend.

Marsha

(suspicious) What ‘furry’ little friend?

Jimmy

(innocently) The one I keep in my trousers.

Marsha

(shocked) I beg your pardon?

Jimmy

Little Willie.

Marsha

(even more shocked) Jimmy Jester!

Jimmy

No! Little Willie, my pet ferret. (takes ferret out and holds it in front of her) Look!

Marsha

(horrified) Ooohh! Put it away! Put it away!

Jimmy
All right, keep your hair on! (to ferret) Off you go Willie. And straight home mind. (lets go of ferret and it’s whisked off SR) Music cue 3: (spots audience) ‘Ere, Marsha. There are lots of people out there. (pointing to audience)

Marsha
That’s the audience, Jimmy. They’ve come to watch us perform.

Jimmy

Have they? I’ll bet they wouldn’t like us watching while they performed.

Marsha
Don’t talk silly, Jimmy. Now say hello to them.

Jimmy

Okay then. (to audience) Hello everybody! I’m Jimmy Jester!

Marsha

And I’m Marsha. Marsha Mallow.

Jimmy

She’s got a soft spot for me. (laughs) Get it? ‘Marsha Mallow’? ‘Soft’ spot?

Marsha

(playfully kicking his rear) And you’ll get a sore spot if you keep making fun of my name, Jimmy.

Jimmy

(to audience) I think she needs softening up a bit. I know, I’ll tell her a joke. (to Marsha) Knock, knock.

Marsha

Who’s there?

Jimmy

Butch.

Marsha

Butch who?

Jimmy

Butch your arms around me and give us a kiss. (grabs her in a clinch and tries kissing her)

Gertrude enters (SL) carrying two large melons in front of her chest.

Gertrude

(snaps) Jimmy Jester!

Jimmy

(startled) Mrs Greenfly!

Gertrude

I’ll give you ‘Mrs Greenfly’, you lazy good for nothing excuse for a shop worker! Didn’t you hear me calling you earlier?

Jimmy

Yes, but you’ve always taught me never to answer back.

Gertrude

(handing Jimmy her melons) Hurry up and grab hold of my melons.

Marsha

And that’s the best offer you’re going to get today, Jimmy.

Jimmy takes the melons and places them on the shop stall.

Gertrude

And remind me to get my…(posh accent)…mange tout out later.

Jimmy

Ooooh! What’s with the posh talk all of a sudden? Last week it was ‘mangey toot’!

Gertrude

One can’t talk dead common, when one is running a high-class delicatessen…(pronounced delicate-arsen)…can one?

Marsha

I thought you ran a greengrocer’s.

Gertrude

Yes, but I’ve decided to go upmarket and I’ve stocked up with exotic comestibles from around the world.

Jimmy

I wondered what that funny smell was.

Gertrude

That’ll be my Italian smoked duck. It’s cured you know.

Jimmy

I didn’t even know it was ill.

Snow White enters from the shop.

S. White

Good morning everyone!

Marsha

‘Ere, Snow White. Did you know your Aunt Gertrude’s going up-market?

S. White

No. (to Gertrude) Why’s that then auntie?

Gertrude

It’s because the bottom’s fallen out of the fruit and veg trade.

S. White
Well I had noticed that business was a little slack lately.

Gertrude

A little slack? It’s slacker than a yard of my Cumberland sausage. (to audience) It’s not easy running a small business on your own, you know. And I sometimes long for the company of a man about the place.

Jimmy

(posing like a body-builder) What about me?

Gertrude

I mean a ‘real’ man! A man like my late husband, Billy. Now there was a real man. He used to say to me, ‘Gertrude, you’re the salt of the earth you are’. Then he’d throw me over his shoulder for good luck. Oh, but he was tight though. On our wedding anniversary, I said I wanted taken somewhere expensive. So he took me to a petrol station. I once accused him of having affairs with other women, but he just said I was paranoid. I tried booking into a Paranoid’s Anonymous meeting, but they wouldn’t tell me where it was being held.  But Billy was a very keen gardener, you know. Always poking around in my allotment with his little dibber. I’ll never forget that fateful day. (takes out a hanky) He’d just gone down the allotment to pick a nice fresh cauliflower for our Sunday lunch, when it happened.

Marsha

What happened, Gertrude?

Gertrude

He dropped down dead. (bites on her hanky to stifle a cry)

Marsha

How awful! Whatever did you do?

Jimmy

Don’t tell me. You opened a tin of peas instead.

Gertrude

(snaps) No I did not!

Marsha

Don’t be so insensitive, Jimmy.

Gertrude

(blithely) I was all out of peas, so I opened a tin of carrots instead.

Jimmy

(dryly) Oh well that makes all the difference, doesn’t it? Actually, I’m a bit of a gardener myself. People often tell me I have green fingers.

Gertrude

Only because you keep sticking them up your nose.

S. White

(to Gertrude) And how have you managed to cope since, auntie?

Gertrude
Well it hasn’t been easy. But now I just take life with a pinch of salt…plus a slice of lime and a shot of Tequila.

Chorus wander back on.

S. White

(to Chorus) Aunt Gertrude’s feeling a bit down everybody. So let’s cheer her up by all singing a nice happy song.

Music cue 4: Ensemble. After song ends…Chorus wander over to the stall on display outside the shop and browse.

Gertrude

Oh, thank you. I feel much better now. There’s nothing like a little song to…(hoists her chest)…lift the spirits.

S. White

Well seeing as you’re all cheered up now, is it all right if I go for a walk in the woods?

Gertrude

Certainly not! You might get lost.

S. White

(pleading) Please auntie. I won’t go far, I promise.

Gertrude

Oh, very well then. But don’t be too long.

S. White

I won’t, auntie. (kisses her cheek) Bye! (skips off SL)

Jimmy

(to Gertrude) Is it okay if I take Marsha for a little walk in the woods, too? (to Marsha) Do you fancy it, Marsha?

Marsha

(clings to his arm excitedly) Oh yes, Jimmy!

Gertrude

I’ll bet you do. Now get in that shop the pair of you.

Jimmy

But Marsha doesn’t work in your shop.

Gertrude

Neither do you most of the time.

Marsha

I don’t mind helping out, Jimmy. (cuddles onto his arm) At least we’ll be together.

Jimmy and Marsha exit into shop arm-in arm, giggling like naughty schoolkids.

Chorus 2 
Hey Gertrude, how about a bit of service!

Chorus 3        
Yeah, get a move on or we’re off to Asda.

Gertrude

All right, I’m coming! (as she goes towards the shop) Now who wants to nibble on my chorizo. (exits into shop followed by Chorus)