Snow White Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village of Folly-on-the-Wold

Greenfly’s Greengrocer’s shop with a practical door is (USR) an outside stall is laden with fruit and veg. Music cue 2: Marsha and Villagers. After song ends…

Jimmy (off) Marsha! Oh, Marsha!

Villager 1 It sounds like your boyfriend’s looking for you, Marsha.

Marsha Quick, hide me!

Villager 2 Why?

Marsha I think he might be after something.

Villager 3 Well, if he hasn’t found it by now, he never will.

Villagers laugh.

Marsha He wanted me to help clean out his ferrets earlier, but I can’t stand the things.

Villager 4 (looking SL) Here he comes now!

Marsha Don’t let him see me!

Villager 1 Hide behind us, Marsha.

Marsha kneels on the floor behind them with her head resting on her knees.

Enter Jimmy (SL) he cranes his neck looking for Marsha.

Villager 2 Are you looking for somebody, Jimmy?

Jimmy Yes. I’m looking for my girlfriend, Marsha.

Villager 3 What do you want with her?

Jimmy I’ve got something to show her.

Villager 4 What is it, Jimmy?

Jimmy I’m not telling you.

Villager 1 Don’t be shy Jimmy, you can show it to us.

Villager 2 Yes, come on Jimmy. Show us what you’ve got.

Jimmy Do you promise not to scream?

Villager We promise.

Jimmy Close your eyes then.

Villagers shut their eyes, nudging each other and giggling. Jimmy takes a ferret from his pocket, which is attached offstage by fishing-line.

Jimmy You can look now.

Villagers (open their eyes see the ferret and scream) Aaaah! (exit at a run SR)

Marsha is still crouched on the floor hiding her face.

Jimmy (puts ferret back in his pocket) What are you doing down there, Marsha?

Marsha (realises the others have gone and stands) Jimmy Jester! What are you doing frightening the living daylights out of everyone?

Jimmy I was just showing them my furry little friend.

Marsha What furry little friend?

Jimmy The one I keep in my trousers.

Marsha I beg your pardon!?

Jimmy Little Willie.

Marsha (shocked) Jimmy Jester!

Jimmy No! Little Willie, my pet ferret. (takes ferret out) Look!

Marsha (horrified) Oooh! Put it away! Put it away!

Jimmy All right Marsha, keep your hair on! Off you go Willie. Straight home mind. (ferret is whisked off SR) Music cue 3: ‘Ere, Marsha. (peering out) Who are all those people?

Marsha That’s the audience, Jimmy. They’ve come to watch us perform.

Jimmy Have they? I bet they wouldn’t like us watching while they perform.

Marsha Don’t talk silly, Jimmy. Let’s say hello to them.

Jimmy Okay then. (to audience) Hello everybody! I’m Jimmy Jester!

Marsha And I’m Marsha Mallow.

Jimmy She has a soft spot for me. (laughs) Get it? Marsha Mallow? Soft spot?

Marsha (kicks his bum) And you’ll get a sore spot if you keep making fun of my name, Jimmy.

Jimmy (to audience) I think she needs softening up a bit. I’ll tell her a joke. (to Marsha) Knock, knock, Marsha.

Marsha Who’s there?

Jimmy Butch.

Marsha Butch who?

Jimmy Butch your arms around me and give me a kiss. (grabs her and tries kissing her)

Enter Gertrude (SL) carrying two large melons in front of her chest.

Gertrude Jimmy Jester!

Jimmy (startled) Mrs Greenfly!

Gertrude You, lazy excuse for a shop worker! Didn’t you hear me shouting you earlier?

Jimmy I think half the neighbourhood heard you.

Gertrude Then why didn’t you answer me?

Jimmy You’ve always told me never to answer you back.

Gertrude Hurry up and grab hold of my melons.

Marsha And that’s the best offer you’re going to get today, Jimmy.

Jimmy takes the melons and places them on the stall.

Gertrude Remind me to get my…(posh accent)…mange tout out later, Jimmy.

Jimmy What’s with the posh talk, all of a sudden? Last week, it was mangey toot!

Gertrude One can’t talk common, when one is running a high-class delicatessen…(pronounced delicate-arsen)…can one?

Marsha I thought you ran a greengrocer’s, Gertrude.

Gertrude I’m going upmarket and I’ve stocked up with exotic foods, from around the world.

Jimmy I wondered what that funny smell was.

Gertrude That’ll be my Italian smoked duck. It’s cured you know.

Jimmy I didn’t even know it was ill.

Enter Snow White from the shop.

S. White Good morning everybody!

Marsha Did you know you Aunt Gertrude was going up-market, Snow White?

S. White Yes, but she didn’t say why.

Gertrude It’s because the bottom’s fallen out of the fruit and veg trade.

S. White I had noticed that business was a bit slack lately.

Gertrude (exclaims) Slack!? It’s slacker than a limp lettuce. It’s not easy running a business on my own, you know. I sometimes long for the company of a man about the place.

Jimmy What about me? I’m a man about the place.

Gertrude I meant a real man, like my late husband, Billy. He used to say to me, Gertrude, you’re the salt of the earth, you are. Then he’d throw me over his shoulder for luck. Oh, but he was tight-fisted. On our wedding anniversary, I said I wanted taking somewhere expensive, so he took me to a petrol station. I once accused him of having affair, but he said I was paranoid. I tried booking into a Paranoid’s Anonymous meeting, but they wouldn’t tell me where it was. Billy was a keen gardener and was always poking around my allotment, with his little dibber. Then one day, he went down there to pick out a nice cauliflower for Sunday lunch, when tragedy struck. (takes out a hanky)

Marsha What happened, Gertrude?

Gertrude He dropped down dead. (stuffs hanky in mouth to stifle a cry)

Marsha How awful! Whatever did you do?

Jimmy Don’t tell me. You opened a tin of peas instead? (laughs)

Gertrude (snaps) No, I didn’t!

Marsha That wasn’t funny, Jimmy.

Jimmy Don’t blame me, I didn’t write this rubbish.

Gertrude I was all out of peas and opened a tin of carrots instead.

Jimmy Oh, well that makes all the difference. I’m a keen gardener myself you know.

Marsha I didn’t know that Jimmy.

Jimmy People often tell me I have green fingers.

Gertrude Only because you keep shoving them up your nose.

S. White How have you managed to cope on your own, auntie?

Gertrude It hasn’t been easy. But now, I just take life with a pinch of salt. Plus, a slice of lime and a shot of Tequila.

Enter Villagers wandering on (SR)

S. White (to Villagers) Aunt Gertrude’s feeling a bit down everybody. Let’s cheer her up by singing a nice happy song.

Music cue 4: Ensemble. After song ends…Villagers(SR) they wander over to the fruit and veg stall and browse.

Gertrude There’s nothing like a little singsong to…(hoists her chest)…lift the spirits.

S. White Is it all right if I go for a walk in the woods Aunt Gertrude?

Gertrude Certainly not! You might get lost.

S. White Please auntie. I won’t go far, I promise.

Gertrude Oh, very well then. But don’t be too long, or I’ll start worrying.

S. White I won’t, auntie. (kisses her cheek) Bye! (skips off SL)

Jimmy I wouldn’t mind a little stroll in the woods myself. Do you fancy it, Marsha?

Marsha (taking his arm) Yes please, Jimmy!

Gertrude I’ll bet you do. Now, get inside the shop the pair of you.

Jimmy But Marsha doesn’t work in your shop.

Gertrude Neither do you most of the time.

Marsha I don’t mind helping out, Jimmy. At least we’ll be together.

Exit Jimmy and Marsha into shop, giggling like naughty schoolkids.

Villager 3 I hear you’ve opened a deli-counter, Gertrude?

Gertrude Yes, I have. And it’s full of choice continental comestibles.

Villager 4 Do you have any free samples?

Gertrude Yes indeedy. Come inside and have a nibble on my chorizo. (ushers them all inside)

Exit all inside the shop.