Scene One
Palace Throne Room
Music cue 2: Chorus/Maids. After song ends…Muddles enters (SL)
Muddles Hiya boys and girls! I’m Muddles and I work here at the palace, for King Desmond and Queen Drucilla. The King’s all right, but the Queen’s a nasty piece of work. He married her after losing his first wife, and it makes me sad to see how badly she treats his daughter, Snow White. So much so, that I always need cheering up. And do you know what cheers me up? A nice big cuddle. But I can’t always get one when I need it. (elicit sympathy) It’s sadder than that! Maybe you could all give me a cuddle. Well, would you? (response) Thanks. Now, I don’t have time to cuddle you all individually. So, maybe you could give me a virtual cuddle instead. Whenever I come on and shout, hiya boys and girls! Will you all shout back, cuddles Muddles, and hug yourselves tight? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya boys and girls! Fantastic! I’m just off for a quick jog around the palace. I like to keep fit, as you can probably tell by my physique. See you all later. (waves and exits SR)
Senna enters (SL) singing.
Senna That’s the way uh-huh-uh-huh I like it, uh-huh-uh-huh…
Maid 1 Don’t you know any other songs, Mrs P?
Maid 2 You’ve been singing that same one for days.
Senna That’s because I’m practising it for X-Factor.
Maid 3 Your singing ought to be X-rated.
Maid 4 Like her cooking.
Senna Watch it, or I’ll put something nasty in your shepherd’s pie.
Maid 5 You always put something nasty in the shepherd’s pie.
Senna Rubbish! My cooking has won awards, I’ll have you know.
Maid 6 Award’s for anybody brave enough to eat it, that is.
Maids laugh.
Senna Clear off you cheeky lot! (chases them off SR – spots audience) Oh, hello! Allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Senna, Senna Pod. And I’m the palace cook. Most of the staff here are quite nice really, apart from Hannah the Queen’s lady-in-waiting. She’s always trying to get people into trouble. Fortunately, the Queen’s too obsessed with her own looks to take much notice. She’s even taken to standing in front of a large mirror and asking it, who is the fairest in the land. Apparently, it’s a magic mirror that can’t tell a lie. I couldn’t have that, could you girls? I mean, what woman wants a mirror that tells them the truth?
Hannah enters (USL)
Hannah I want a word with you Senna.
Senna What is it now, Hannah?
Hannah Her majesty has decided to go on the GI plan.
Senna What’s that then? A new corner-suite from DFS?
Hannah No, it’s the latest healthy-eating plan.
Senna What’s wrong with the diet she’s on?
Hannah You mean, apart from the fact that you cook it?
Senna I always make sure she gets her five a day. Beans for breakfast, cabbage for lunch, sprouts for dinner and pea soup for supper.
Hannah Yes, and after that lot she had to see the doctor about a massive build-up of wind.
Senna And what did he say?
Hannah He said she had more gas reserves than the North Sea.
Senna I wondered what that awful pong was. What’s she going on a diet for anyway?
Hannah She wants to fit into a size ten, in time for the King’s silver jubilee banquet.
Senna But that’s only two weeks away.
Hannah Yes, and she expects to look like Kate Moss…(or current model)…by then.
Senna Has she ever considered liposuction?
Hannah I don’t know. I’ll go and tell her you asked. (turns to go)
Senna Don’t bother! I like my head right where it is, thank you. On top of my shoulders.
Hannah She’s picked out a frock, ready. And I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, if she can’t fit into it on the big day. (exits USL)
Senna The rotten snitch would love to see me lose my bonce.
Rose enters (DSL)
Rose Hello Senna.
Senna Hello Rose. (to audience) This is Rose, Lady-in-waiting to Princess Snow White.
Rose Who are you talking to, Senna?
Senna (indicating audience) That lot down there.
Rose (looks out) I didn’t know the palace tourist season had started already.
Senna I don’t think they’re tourists.
Rose Then what are they doing here?
Senna Well, the local Salvation Army hostel has just shut down.
Rose Do you think all they’re from there?
Senna I’d say so, looking at them. They’ve probably come in for a warm.
Snow White enters (SR)
Snow White (brightly) Hello you two!
Rose Good morning your highness.
Senna (to audience) This is Princess Snow White. Isn’t she lovely?
Snow White (abashed) Mrs Pod, you are a flatterer.
Senna I couldn’t flatter you enough, Princess.
Rose Your highness, I’ve got two tickets for a…(current pop act)…concert. Would you like to come with me?
Snow White I’d love to Rose, but the Queen won’t allow me to leave the palace.
Senna A young girl like you, ought to be out clubbing and enjoying yourself. Not shut up in a stuffy old palace. (to audience) Don’t you agree boys and girls?
Music cue 3: Muddles jogs on (SL) dressed in running gear.
Muddles Hiya boys and girls!
Senna Oh, look. It’s Muddles the keep-fit jerk. Jerk, being the optimum word.
Muddles Eh-up, Senna. Fancy going for a run? (laughs) Senna Pod? Run? (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! I made a joke just then.
Senna Not as big as the one your parents made.
Muddles (looking her over) Have you put on weight recently, Senna?
Senna I might’ve added a couple of ounces, after that kebab and chips I had for supper. What’s it to you?
Muddles You ought to cut down on junk food and eat more healthily.
Senna Listen Jamie Oliver. I like all my food deep-fried. Pineapple rings, onion rings, potato rings. Although I do sometimes feel like I’m frittering my life away. (laughs) Frittering my life away? Please yourselves, but it’s the funniest line you’ll hear tonight.
Rose Couldn’t you try persuading your father to let you go to the concert, your highness?
Snow White Yes, but the Queen will be furious if I go behind her back.
Senna Take no notice of that old windbag, your highness.
Snow White All right, I’ll go and ask him. Come with me, Rose.
Rose Yes, your highness.
Snow White and Rose exit (SL)
Muddles You shouldn’t encourage the Princess to defy the Queen, Senna.
Senna Shut up, muscle brain.
Muddles You shut up!
Senna No, you shut up!
Muddles Oh, grow up stupid!
Senna I did grow up, stupid…(realises)…I mean…
Muddles Ha! Gotcha!
Senna (to audience) Never argue with an idiot. They’ll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Muddles You should take up jogging and get fit, Senna.
Senna The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Anyway, the last time I tried jogging I ended up with two black eyes. (hoists chest)
Muddles (staring at her chest) I’m not surprised.
Senna I looked down to avoid dog poop and ran into a lamppost!
Muddles Whatever. I’ll see ya later, couch potata! (jogs off SR)
Senna I’d rather be a couch potata than have brains like mashed potata, like him.
Maids enter (SL)
Maid 1 Still here Senna?
Senna No, I left half an hour ago.
Maid 2 Then how come I can still see you, with my own two eyes?
Senna Who you gonna believe? Me or your own two eyes? Whereas a camera never lies.
Maid 3 But you haven’t got a camera?
Senna My point exactly.
Maid 3 I haven’t a clue what you’re on about, Senna.
Senna Then I’ve exposed the weakness in your argument. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I must get the Queen’s GI lunch ready. (waves to audience) See ya later folks! (exits SR)
Maid 4 Silly old fool.
Hannah enters (UL)
Hannah Why are you lot standing around idle? Get back to work!
Maid 5 Get lost Hannah.
Hannah I’ll tell the Queen!
Music cue 4: Lights dim briefly as Queen enters (SL)
Queen You’ll tell me what, Hannah?
Hannah I’ve just caught this lot skiving, your majesty.
Maid 6 We weren’t skiving!
Queen If Hannah says you were, then you were.
Hannah I’d dock them a day’s pay your majesty.
Queen Consider it done.
Maids That’s not fair!
Queen (snaps) Shut up and get back to work, before I sack the lot of you!
Maids exit, giving Hannah dirty looks as they file past her.
Hannah That showed them, your majesty.
Queen Don’t look so smug, Hannah. If this GI plan doesn’t work, you’ll be for the chopping block for suggesting it.
Hannah I was only doing as Senna asked, your majesty. It was all her idea.
Queen Then if it doesn’t work, she’ll be for the chopping block instead.
Hannah Quite right too, your majesty.
Queen Go and tell Muddles to bring me my special mirror.
Hannah Yes, your majesty. (exits SR)
Queen And I hope for his sake he’s fixed the insolent thing.
Muddles enters (SR) pushing on the Mirror.
Muddles I’m sure you’re getting heavier mirror.
Mirror I can’t put on weight! You’re obviously out of shape.
Muddles Give over. I’m fit as a fiddle.
Mirror Then you need a good tuning.
Muddles Your special mirror, your majesty.
Queen I trust it will speak the truth this time.
Muddles I’m sure it will. (aside to Mirror) If it knows what’s good for it.
Queen It better had. Or it might end up in the recycling bin and you on the chopping block!
Mirror Haven’t you ever heard the old saying, a mirror never lies?
Muddles It’s a camera, you idiot!
Mirror Well, the same goes for magic mirrors. Anyway, she only ever asks the one question.
Muddles (aside) Then think carefully before you answer this time. My life might depend on it.
Queen (impatient) When you’re quite ready!
Mirror Fire away, your madge.
Queen Mirror, mirror, tall and grand…
Mirror …who is the fairest in the land? (to audience) Honestly, it’s like listening to a scratched record.
Queen (snaps) What did you say!?
Muddles Behave, mirror! (kicks Mirror)
Mirror Watch it pal! If you break me, you’ll end up with seven-year’s bad luck.
Muddles A slight technical hitch, your majesty. Do carry on.
Queen I hope there won’t be any repeat of what happened yesterday, when it said that my horrid stepdaughter was the fairest in the land. (strokes her face) Everybody knows, that I am the fairest in all the kingdom.
Mirror I only speak as I find love. I can’t choose what I see. I sometimes wish I could. Some of the things that peer into me, would make your hair curl. (the Queen bristles) Not your majesty, of course. You’re always a true delight.
Queen That’s not what you said yesterday.
Mirror Yes, but since then I’ve had time to reflect. (laughs to audience) Reflect? Mirror? Oh, please yourselves.
Queen Shut up and let’s get on with it!
Mirror Just ask your question and I will answer truthfully.
Queen I’ll be the judge of that. Mirror, mirror, tall and grand. Who is the fairest in the land?
Mirror One moment please, whilst I have a think.
Muddles What’s to think about, mirror?
Mirror I must recall how every female in the land currently looks, before answering. I’m ready now.
Queen About time.
Mirror I will now reveal the answer to your majesty’s question, in reverse order. (Muddles stands with eyes closed and fingers crossed) In third place…Rose, the Princess’s lady-in-waiting. In second place…Queen Drucilla. And still in first place, it’s Princess Snow White!
Queen (furious) What!?
Muddles (opens his eyes) Oh no, not again.
Queen You, useless mirror! I thought you’d fixed it, Muddles!
Muddles So, did I your majesty. (to Mirror – threatening) I will certainly fix it later.
Queen Forget it! I’ll fix the problem myself.
Muddles Is your majesty technically qualified to fix a magic mirror?
Queen I’m not talking about the stupid mirror! (sweeps off SL)
Muddles You’ve really done it this time, mirror.
Mirrors (innocently) What have I done now?
Muddles You’ve annoyed her. And I think the problem she means to fix, is Snow White.
Mirror I only spoke the truth. Snow White, is the fairest in the land.
Muddles I know that and you know that. But why do you have to keep telling her, that?
Mirror I don’t have any choice. I cannot tell a lie.
Muddles Then there’s only one thing for it. (starts pushing Mirror off)
Mirror Where are you taking me?
Muddles (stops) I’m taking you to the Wizard, Barry Trotter. He made you and he can jolly well fix you.
Mirror Don’t make me laugh. The old fool only made me by accident, in the first place.
Muddles How can he have made you by accident?
Mirror He was trying to conjure up a giant iPad and got me instead.
Muddles Well then, if he can’t fix you. Maybe I’ll try PC World.
Mirror And that’s even more of a laugh.
Muddles You won’t be laughing, if anything happens to Snow White. (exits SR with Mirror)
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