Music cue 1: Maids. After song ends…
Enter Muddles [SL]
MUDDLES:
Hello, boys and girls! I’m Muddles, and I work right here at the royal palace. The King’s all right, but the Queen’s a nasty piece of work. He married her after losing his first wife, and it makes me sad to see how badly she treats his daughter, Snow White. So, whenever I come on and shout, ‘hello, boys and girls’, will you shout back, ‘hello, Muddles’, and it’ll help cheer me up. Let’s have a quick practice. [exits and re-enters] Hello, everybody! Brill! As you can probably tell by my physique, I like to keep fit, so I’m just off for my daily ten-mile jog. See you all later! [exits jogging off SR]
Enter Senna [SL] singing.
SENNA: #Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot, like me, don’t cha, don’t cha #
CHORUS 1: Don’t you know any other songs, Senna?
CHORUS 2: You’ve been singing that same one all week.
SENNA: That’s because I’m practising it for Britain’s Got Talent.
CHORUS 3: Well, you’ve just proved that practice doesn’t make perfect.
CHORUS 4: And the same goes for her cooking! [laughs]
SENNA: Watch it, or I’ll put something nasty in your shepherd’s pie!
CHORUS 5: You always put something nasty in the shepherd’s pie.
SENNA: Cheek! My cooking has won loads of awards; I’ll have you know.
CHORUS 6: Yes, Senna, bravery awards for anybody willing to risk eating it!
Exit [SR] laughing.
SENNA: What a cheeky lot! [to audience] Oh, hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Senna Pod, the palace cook. Most of the staff here are quite nice, apart from Hannah, the Queen’s lady-in-waiting. She’s a sneaky snitch and is always trying to get people into trouble with the Queen. Luckily, the Queen’s too obsessed with her own looks to take much notice. I hear she stands in front of a magic mirror every day, and says, ‘mirror, mirror tall and grand, who is the fairest in the land’? And it tells her the truth! I couldn’t have that, could you, girls? What woman wants a mirror that tells her the truth?
Enter Hannah [SL]
HANNAH: I’d like a word with you, Senna.
SENNA: What is it now, Hannah?
HANNAH: Her Majesty has gone on the GI plan.
SENNA: What’s that then, a new corner suite from DFS?
HANNAH: Don’t talk, stupid! It’s the latest healthy eating plan.
SENNA: And how does it work?
HANNAH: It’s all about lowering your carbohydrate intake.
SENNA: I find the best way to do that, is to lie on the floor eating doughnuts.
HANNAH: That would explain why you’ve started to look like one.
SENNA: Watch it! Anyway, what’s wrong with the diet the Queen’s already on?
HANNAH: You mean, apart from the fact you cook it?
SENNA: I make sure she gets her five a day. Beans for breakfast, peas for lunch and sprouts for dinner.
HANNAH: Yes, and it’s costing the palace a fortune in air fresheners.
SENNA: What’s she going on a diet for, anyway?
HANNAH: She wants to fit into a size ten in time for the King’s silver jubilee banquet.
SENNA: But that’s only a fortnight away!
HANNAH: Yes, and she expects to look like a catwalk model by then.
SENNA: Has she ever considered liposuction?
HANNAH: I don’t know, I’ll just go and tell her you asked, shall I? [turns to go]
SENNA: Don’t bother, I like my head right where it is, thank you.
HANNAH: She’s already picked out a dress, and I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if she can’t fit into it on the big day. [exits SL]
SENNA: That Hannah would like to see me lose my bonce.
Enter Rose [SL]
ROSE: Hello, Senna.
SENNA: [to audience] This is Rose, Princess Snow White’s lady-in-waiting.
ROSE: Who are you talking to, Senna?
SENNA: [pointing] That lot down there.
ROSE: [looks out] Has the palace tourist season started already?
SENNA: I don’t think they’re tourists, Rose.
ROSE: Then what are they doing here?
SENNA: I don’t know, but the Salvation Army hostel has just closed down.
ROSE: Do you think they’re all from the hostel?
SENNA: Looking at them, I’d say there’s every chance.
Enter Snow White [SR]
SNOW W: Hello, you two!
ROSE: Good morning, Your Highness.
SENNA: [to audience] This is Princess Snow White, isn’t she lovely?
SNOW W: You’re such a flatterer, Mrs Pod.
SENNA: I couldn’t flatter you enough, my dear.
ROSE: Your Highness, I’ve got two tickets for a…[current pop act]…concert. Would you like to come with me?
SNOW W: I’d love to, Rose, but the Queen won’t allow me to leave the palace.
SENNA: A young girl like you ought to be out clubbing and enjoying herself, not shut up in a stuffy old palace. Isn’t that right, boys and girls?
ROSE: Why don’t you ask your father if you can go to the concert, Your Highness?
SNOW W: But the Queen would be furious if I went behind her back, Rose.
SENNA: Take no notice of the old windbag, Your Highness. I’m sure he’ll let you go
SNOW W: All right, Senna, I’ll go and ask him right away.
ROSE: I’ll come with you as backup, Your Highness.
Exit Snow White and Rose [SL]
Music cue 2: Enter Muddles jogging on [SL] dressed in running gear.
MUDDLES: Hiya, Senna!
SENNA: Oh, look. It’s Muddles, the keep-fit jerk. Jerk, being the key word.
MUDDLES: Fancy going for a run, Senna? [laughs] Senna Pod? Run? I made a joke just then, Senna.
SENNA: Not as big as the one your parents made when they had you.
MUDDLES: Did you hear about the burglars who broke into Boots last night and stole all their Viagra, Senna?
SNOW W: No, Muddles. Do the police know who did it?
MUDDLES: No, but they said if caught they’re looking at a stiff sentence. [laughs]
