Snow White Version 1

SCENE ONE

PALACE THRONE ROOM

Music cue 1: Chorus of Maids. After song ends…

Enter Muddles [SL]

MUDDLES: Hello everybody! I’m Muddles and I work here at the palace, for King Desmond and Queen Drucilla. The King’s all right, but the Queen’s a nasty piece of work. He married her after losing his first wife, and it makes me sad to see how badly she treats his daughter Snow White. So, whenever I come on and shout hello everybody, you can all shout back hello Muddles, and that’ll cheer me up, okay? Let’s have a go then. [exits and re-enters] Hello everybody! Thanks! I like to keep fit, as you can probably tell by my physique, so I’m just off for my daily jog around the palace grounds. See you all later! [exits jogging off SR]

Enter Senna [SL] singing.

SENNA: ’Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot, like me…’

CHORUS 1: Don’t you know any other songs, Senna?

CHORUS 2: You’ve been singing that same one all week.

SENNA: That’s because I’m practising it for Britain’s Got Talent.

CHORUS 3: You’ve just proved that practice doesn’t make perfect.

CHORUS 4: And the same goes for her cooking! [laughs]

SENNA: Watch it, or I’ll put something nasty in your shepherd’s pie.

CHORUS 5: You always put something nasty in the shepherd’s pie, Senna.

SENNA: Get lost! My cooking has won loads of awards, I’ll have you know.

CHORUS 6: Bravery awards for anybody willing to risk eating it, that is.

Chorus laugh.
SENNA: Clear off you cheeky lot! [chases them off SR – spots audience] Oh, hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Senna Pod, and I’m the palace cook. Most of the staff here are quite nice, apart from Hannah the Queen’s lady-in-waiting. She’s always trying to get people in trouble with the Queen. Luckily, the Queen’s too obsessed with her own looks to take much notice. Every day she stands in front of a large mirror and asked it, who is the fairest in the land. I’ve heard it’s a magic mirror that can’t tell a lie. I couldn’t have that, could you girls? What woman wants a mirror that tells her the truth?

Enter Hannah [SL]

HANNAH: There you are Senna!

SENNA: Well I’m not anywhere else, am I?

HANNAH: I want a word with you.

SENNA: What is it now, Hannah?

HANNAH: Her majesty has decided to go on the GI plan.

SENNA: What’s that then, a new corner suite from DFS?

HANNAH: No! It’s the latest healthy eating plan.

SENNA: How does that work then?

HANNAH: It’s all about lowering your carbohydrate intake.

SENNA: I find the best way to do that, is to lie on the floor whilst eating doughnuts.

HANNAH: That explains why you’ve started looking like one.

SENNA: Cheek! Anyway, what’s wrong with the diet the Queen’s on?

HANNAH: You mean, apart from the fact that you cook it?

SENNA: I always make sure she gets her five a day. Beans for breakfast, cabbage for lunch and sprouts for dinner.

HANNAH: Yes, and it’s costing the palace a fortune in air fresheners.

SENNA: And I thought it was just the drains. What’s she going on a diet for anyway?

HANNAH: She wants to fit into a size ten in time for the King’s silver jubilee banquet.

SENNA: But that’s only a fortnight away!

HANNAH: I know that, and she expects to look like a catwalk model by then.

SENNA: Has she considered liposuction?

HANNAH: I don’t know, I’ll just go and tell her you asked. [turns to go]

SENNA: Don’t bother! I like my head right where it is, thank you.

HANNAH: She’s already picked out a dress, and I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if she can’t fit into it on the big day. [exits SL]

SENNA: She’d like to see me lose my bonce that one.

Enter Rose [SL]

ROSE: Hello Senna.

SENNA: [to audience] This is Rose, Lady-in-waiting to Princess Snow White.

ROSE: Who are you talking to, Senna?

SENNA: I’m talking to that lot down there.

ROSE: [looks out] I didn’t know the palace tourist season had started already.

SENNA: I don’t think they’re tourists, Rose.

ROSE: Then what are they doing here?

SENNA: I don’t know, but the Salvation Army hostel has just shut down.

ROSE: Do you think they might all be from the hostel?

SENNA: Looking at them I’d say, yes. They’ve probably come in for a warm.

Enter Snow White [SR]

SNOW W: Hello you two!

ROSE: Good morning your highness.

SENNA: [to audience] This is Princess Snow White, isn’t she lovely?

SNOW W: You’re such a flatterer Mrs Pod.

SENNA: I couldn’t flatter you enough dear.

ROSE: Your highness, I’ve got two tickets for a…[current pop act]…concert. Would you like to accompany me?

SNOW W: I’d love to Rose, but the Queen won’t allow me to leave the palace.

SENNA: A young girl like you ought to be out clubbing and enjoying yourself, not shut up in a stuffy old palace. Isn’t that right boys and girls?

Music cue 2: Enter Muddles jogging on [SL] dressed in running gear.

MUDDLES: Hello everybody!

SENNA: Oh, look. It’s Muddles the keep-fit jerk. Jerk, being the key word.

MUDDLES: Fancy going for a run, Senna? [laughs] Senna Pod? Run? I made a joke then.

SENNA: Not as big as the one your parents made when they had you.

MUDDLES: Have you heard about the burglary at the local Ikea, Senna?

SENNA: No, Muddles. Was there much stolen?

MUDDLES: They don’t know, the police are still trying to piece everything together. [laughs]