PALACE THRONE ROOM
Music cue 1: Chorus of Maids. After song ends…
Enter Muddles [SL]
MUDDLES: Hello everybody! I’m Muddles and I work here at the palace, for King Desmond and Queen Drucilla. The King’s all right, but the Queen’s a nasty piece of work. He married her after losing his first wife, and it makes me sad to see how badly she treats his daughter Snow White, and I always need cheering up afterwards. The thing that cheers me up the most, is a nice big cuddle. But I can’t always get one when I need it. [elicit sympathy] It’s sadder than that! Would you all like to give me a cuddle? I don’t have time to cuddle you all individually, so maybe you could give me a virtual cuddle instead. Whenever I come on and shout, hello everybody, you can all shout back, cuddles Muddles, and hug yourselves tight? Let’s have a practice then. [exits and re-enters] Hello everybody! Fantastic! Now, I like to keep fit as you can probably tell by my physique. See I’m just off for a quick jog round the palace grounds. See you all later! [waves and exits jogging off SR]
Enter Senna [SL] singing.
SENNA: ’Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot, like me…’
CHORUS 1: Don’t you know any other songs, Mrs P?
CHORUS 2: You’ve been singing that same one for days now.
SENNA: That’s because I’m practising it for X-Factor.
CHORUS 3: Your singing ought to be X-rated.
CHORUS 4: A bit like her cooking.
SENNA: Watch it, or I’ll put something nasty in your shepherd’s pie.
CHORUS 5: You always put something nasty in the shepherd’s pie, Senna.
SENNA: Get lost! My cooking has won loads of awards, I’ll have you know.
CHORUS 6: Bravery awards for anybody willing to risk eating it, that is.
SENNA: Clear off you cheeky lot! [chases them off SR – spots audience] Oh, hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Senna Pod, and I’m the palace cook. Most of the staff here are quite nice, apart from Hannah the Queen’s lady-in-waiting. She’s always trying to get people in trouble with the Queen. Luckily, the Queen’s too obsessed with her own looks to take much notice. Every day she stands in front of a large mirror and asked it, who is the fairest in the land. I’ve heard it’s a magic mirror that can’t tell a lie. I couldn’t have that, could you girls? What woman wants a mirror that tells her the truth?
Enter Hannah [SL]
HANNAH: There you are Senna!
SENNA: Well I’m not anywhere else, am I?
HANNAH: I want a word with you.
SENNA: What is it now, Hannah?
HANNAH: Her majesty has decided to go on the GI plan.
SENNA: What’s that then, a new corner suite from DFS?
HANNAH: No! It’s the latest healthy eating plan. GI stands for, Glycemic Index.
SENNA: How does that work then?
HANNAH: It’s all about lowering your carbohydrate intake.
SENNA: I found the best way to do that, was to lie on the floor whilst eating doughnuts. Anyway, what’s wrong with the food she’s on?
HANNAH: You mean, apart from the fact that you cook it?
SENNA: I always make sure she gets her five a day. Beans for breakfast, cabbage for lunch and sprouts for dinner.
HANNAH: Yes, and it’s costing the palace a fortune in air fresheners.
SENNA: What’s she going on a diet for anyway?
HANNAH: She wants to fit into a size ten in time for the King’s silver jubilee banquet.
SENNA: But that’s only two weeks away!
HANNAH: I know, and she expects to look like a catwalk model by then.
SENNA: Has she ever considered liposuction?
HANNAH: I don’t know, I’ll just go and tell her you asked. [turns to go]
SENNA: Don’t bother! I like my head right where it is, on top of my shoulders.
HANNAH: She’s already picked out a dress, and I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if she can’t fit into it on the big day. [exits SL]
SENNA: See what I mean about Hannah being horrible?
Enter Rose [SL]
ROSE: Hello Senna.
SENNA: [to audience] This is Rose, Lady-in-waiting to Princess Snow White.
ROSE: Who are you talking to, Senna?
SENNA: I’m talking to that lot down there.
ROSE: [looks out] I didn’t know the palace tourist season had started already.
SENNA: I don’t think they’re tourists, Rose.
ROSE: Then what are they doing here?
SENNA: I don’t know, but the local homeless hostel has just shut down.
ROSE: Do you think they might all be from the hostel?
SENNA: Looking at them I’d say, yes. They’ve probably just come in for a warm.
Enter Snow White [SR]
SNOW W: Hello you two!
ROSE: Good morning your highness.
SENNA: [to audience] This is Princess Snow White – isn’t she lovely?
SNOW W: You’re such a flatterer Mrs Pod.
SENNA: I couldn’t flatter you enough Princess.
ROSE: Your highness, I’ve got two tickets for a…[current pop act]…concert. Would you like to come with me?
SNOW W: I’d love to Rose, but the Queen won’t allow me to leave the palace.
SENNA: A young girl like you ought to be out clubbing and enjoying yourself, not shut up in a stuffy old palace. Isn’t that right boys and girls?
Music cue 2: Enter Muddles jogging on [SL] dressed in running gear.
MUDDLES: Hello everybody!
?SENNA: Oh, look. It’s Muddles the keep-fit jerk. Jerk, being the optimum word.
MUDDLES: Fancy going for a run, Senna? [laughs] Senna Pod? Run? I made a joke then.
SENNA: Not as big as the one your parents made when they had you.
MUDDLES: I’ve just heard on the radio about a burglary at the local Ikea.
SENNA: Was anything stolen?
MUDDLES: They’re not sure, the police are still trying to piece everything together. [laughs]
SENNA: Somebody ought to try piecing your stupid brain together.
ROSE: Why don’t you ask your father to let you go to the concert your highness?
SNOW W: But the Queen will be furious if I go behind her back, Rose.
SENNA: Take no notice of the old windbag your highness.
SNOW W: All right then, I’ll go and ask him.
ROSE: I’ll come with you as backup your highness.
Exit Snow White and Rose [SL]