Snow White Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

Palace Throne Room

Music cue 1: Chorus of Maids. After song ends…

Enter Muddles (SL)

MUDDLES: Hello everybody! I’m Muddles and I work here at the palace, for King Desmond and Queen Drucilla. The King’s all right, but the Queen’s a nasty piece of work. He married her after losing his first wife, and it makes me sad to see how badly she treats his daughter Snow White, and I always need cheering up afterwards. The thing that cheers me up the most, is a nice big cuddle. But I can’t always get one when I need it. (elicit sympathy) It’s sadder than that! Would you all like to give me a cuddle? (response) Thanks. I don’t have time to cuddle you all individually, so maybe you could give me a virtual cuddle instead. Whenever I come on and shout, ‘hello everybody’ you can all shout back, cuddles Muddles, and hug yourselves tight? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya everybody! Fantastic! I’m just off for a quick jog around the palace grounds. I like to keep fit, as you can probably tell by my physique. See you all later! (waves and exits at a jog SR)

Enter Senna (SL) singing.

SENNA: ‘That’s the way uh-huh-uh-huh I like it, uh-huh-uh-huh…’

CHORUS 1: Don’t you know any other songs, Mrs P?

CHORUS 2: You’ve been singing that same one for days.

SENNA: That’s because I’m practising it for X-Factor.

CHORUS 3: Your singing ought to be X-rated.

CHORUS 4: A bit like her cooking.

SENNA: Watch it, or I’ll put something nasty in your shepherd’s pie.

CHORUS 5: You always put something nasty in the shepherd’s pie, Senna.

SENNA: Get lost! My cooking has won loads of awards, I’ll have you know.

CHORUS 6: Award’s for anybody who’s brave enough to eat it, that is.

Chorus laugh.

SENNA: Clear off you cheeky lot! (chases them off SR – spots audience) Oh, hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Senna – Senna Pod. And I’m the palace cook. Most of the staff here are quite nice, apart from Hannah the Queen’s lady-in-waiting. She’s always trying to get people in trouble with the Queen. Luckily, the Queen’s too obsessed with her own looks to take much notice. She’s even taken to standing in front of a large mirror and asking it, who is the fairest in the land. Apparently, it’s a magic mirror that can’t tell a lie. I couldn’t have that, could you girls? No woman wants a mirror that tells her the truth.

Enter Hannah (SL)

HANNAH: I want a word with you Senna.

SENNA: What is it now, Hannah?

HANNAH: Her majesty has decided to go on the GI plan.

SENNA: Is that a new corner-suite from DFS?

HANNAH: No, you idiot. It’s the latest healthy-eating plan.

SENNA: What’s wrong with the diet she’s already on?

HANNAH: You mean, apart from the fact that you cook it?

SENNA: I always make sure she gets her five a day. Beans for breakfast, cabbage for lunch, sprouts for dinner and pea soup for supper.

HANNAH: And every day she must see the doctor about a massive build-up of wind.

SENNA: And what did he say?

HANNAH: He said her majesty had more gas reserves than the North Sea.

SENNA: I wondered what that awful pong was. What’s she going on a diet for anyway?

HANNAH: She wants to fit into a size ten in time for the King’s silver jubilee banquet.

SENNA: But that’s only two weeks away.

HANNAH: Yes, and she expects to look like a catwalk model by then.

SENNA: Has she ever considered liposuction?

HANNAH: I don’t know. I’ll go and tell her you asked. (turns to go)

SENNA: Don’t bother! I like my head right where it is – on top of my shoulders.

HANNAH: She’s already picked out a frock, and I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if she can’t fit into it on the big day. (exits SL)

SENNA: That rotten little snitch would love to see me lose my bonce.

Enter Rose (SL)

ROSE: Hello Senna.

SENNA: Hello Rose. (to audience) This is Rose, Lady-in-waiting to Princess Snow White.

ROSE: Who are you talking to, Senna?

SENNA: (indicating audience) I’m talking to that lot down there.

ROSE: (looks out) I didn’t know the palace tourist season had started already.

SENNA: I don’t think they’re tourists, Rose.

ROSE: Then what are they doing here?

SENNA: Well, the local Salvation Army hostel has just shut down.

ROSE: Do you think they might all be from the hostel?

SENNA: Looking at them I’d say there’s every chance. They’ve probably come in for a warm.

Enter Snow White (SR)

SNOW W: (brightly) Hello you two!

ROSE: Good morning your highness.

SENNA: (to audience) This is Princess Snow White – isn’t she lovely?

SNOW W: You’re such a flatterer, Mrs Pod.

SENNA: I couldn’t flatter you enough, my dear.

ROSE: Your highness, I’ve got two tickets for a…(current pop act)…concert. Would you like to come with me?

SNOW W: I’d love to Rose, but the Queen won’t allow me to leave the palace.

SENNA: A young girl like you, ought to be out clubbing and enjoying yourself. Not shut up in a stuffy old palace. Don’t you agree boys and girls?

Music cue 2: Enter Muddles jogging on (SL) dressed in running gear.

MUDDLES: Hello everybody!

SENNA: Oh, look. It’s Muddles the keep-fit jerk. Jerk, being the optimum word.

MUDDLES: Fancy going for a run, Senna? (laughs) Senna Pod? Run? I made a joke just then.

SENNA: Not as big as the one your parents made when they had you.

MUDDLES: Have you put on weight recently, Senna?

SENNA: I might’ve added a couple of ounces after that kebab and chips I had last night.

MUDDLES: You ought to cut down on junk food and eat more healthily.

SENNA: Listen Jamie Oliver. I like all my food deep-fried. Pineapple rings, onion rings, potato rings. Although I sometimes feel like I’m frittering my life away. (laughs to audience) Frittering my life away? Please yourselves, but it’s the funniest line you’ll hear tonight.

ROSE: Can’t you persuade your father to let you go to the concert, your highness?

SNOW W: Perhaps, Rose. But the Queen will be furious if I go behind her back.

SENNA: Take no notice of the old windbag, your highness.

SNOW W: Okay I’ll go and ask him. Will you come with me, Rose?

ROSE: If you want, your highness.

Exit Snow White and Rose (SL)

MUDDLES: You shouldn’t encourage the Princess to defy the Queen, Senna.

SENNA: Shut up muscle brain.

MUDDLES: You shut up!

SENNA: No, you shut up!

MUDDLES: Oh, grow up stupid!

SENNA: I did grow up stupid…(realises)…I mean…

MUDDLES: Ha! Gotcha!

SENNA: (to audience) Never argue with an idiot. They’ll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

MUDDLES: You ought to take up jogging and get yourself fit, Senna.

SENNA: The first time I see a jogger smiling I’ll consider it. Besides jogging’s dangerous. The last time I tried it I ended up with two black eyes. (hoists bosom)

MUDDLES: (staring at her bosom) I’m not surprised.

SENNA: I tried to avoid some dog poop and ran into a lamppost!

MUDDLES: Whatever you say. I’ll see ya later, couch potata! (exits at a jog SR)

SENNA: I’d rather be a couch potato than have one for a brain, like him.

Enter Maids (SL)

CHORUS 1: Still here Senna?

SENNA: No, I left half an hour ago.

CHORUS 2: Then how come I can still see you, with my own two eyes?

SENNA: Who you gonna believe, me or your own two eyes? Whereas a camera never lies.

CHORUS 3: But you don’t have a camera.

SENNA: My point exactly.

CHORUS 3: You’ve lost me completely Senna.

SENNA: Then I’ve exposed the weakness in your argument. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I must get the Queen’s GI lunch ready. (exits SR)

CHORUS 4: Silly old fool.

Enter Hannah (UL)

HANNAH: Why are you lot standing around idle? Get back to work!

CHORUS 5: Get lost Hannah!

HANNAH: I’ll tell the Queen.

Music cue 3: Enter Queen (SL)

QUEEN: You’ll tell me what, Hannah?

HANNAH: I’ve just caught this lot skiving your majesty.

CHORUS 6: We weren’t skiving!

QUEEN: If Hannah says you were skiving, then you were skiving.

HANNAH: I’d dock them a day’s pay your majesty.

QUEEN: Consider it done, Hannah.

CHORUS: But that’s not fair!

QUEEN: It’s perfectly fair. Now, get back to work before I sack the lot of you!

Exit Maids (SL) they give Hannah dirty looks as they file past her.

HANNAH: That showed them your majesty.

QUEEN: Don’t look so smug Hannah. If this GI plan doesn’t work you’ll be for the chopping block for suggesting it.

HANNAH: Senna Pod asked me to mention it, your majesty. It was all her idea.

QUEEN: Then if it doesn’t work, she’ll be for the chopping block instead.

HANNAH: Quite right too your majesty.

QUEEN: Find Muddles and tell to bring me my magic mirror.

HANNAH: Yes, your majesty. (exits SR)

QUEEN: And I hope for his sake he’s fixed the insolent thing.

Enter Muddles pushing on the Magic Mirror (SR)

MUDDLES: I’m sure you’re getting heavier mirror.

MIRROR: I can’t put on weight, Muddles. You’re obviously out of shape.

MUDDLES: Rubbish! I’m fit as a fiddle, me.

MIRROR: Then you need a good tuning.

MUDDLES: Your magic mirror, your majesty.

QUEEN: I trust it will speak the truth this time.

MUDDLES: I’m sure it will. (aside to Mirror) If it knows what’s good for it.

QUEEN: It had better. Or it’ll end up in the recycling bin and you’ll end up on the chopping block.

MIRROR: Haven’t you ever heard the old saying, a mirror never lies?

MUDDLES: It’s a camera, you idiot.

MIRROR: Is it? Well, the same goes for magic mirrors. Anyway, she only ever asks the one question.

MUDDLES: (whispers) Then think carefully before you answer this time. My life might depend on it.

QUEEN: (impatient) When you’re both quite ready!

MIRROR: Fire away, your maj.

QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, tall and grand…

MIRROR: Who is the fairest in the land, blah-blah, I know the routine? (to audience) It’s like listening to a scratched record.

QUEEN: (snaps) What did you say!?

MUDDLES: Behave mirror! (kicks Mirror)

MIRROR: Watch it pal! Break me, and you’ll end up with seven-year’s bad luck.

MUDDLES: A slight technical hitch your majesty. Please do carry on.

QUEEN: I hope there won’t be any repeat of what happened yesterday, when it said that my horrid stepdaughter was the fairest in the land. (strokes her face) Everybody knows that I’m the fairest in all the kingdom.

MIRROR: I only speak as I find love. I can’t choose what I see. I sometimes wish I could. Some of the things that peer into me would make your hair curl. (Queen bristles) Not your majesty of course. You’re always a true delight.

QUEEN: That’s not what you said yesterday.

MIRROR: I know, but I’ve since had time to reflect. (laughs) Reflect? Mirror? Please yourself.

QUEEN: Shut up and let’s get on with it!

MIRROR: Just ask your question and I will answer truthfully.

QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, tall and grand,

Who is the fairest in the land?

MIRROR: One moment please, whilst I have a think.

MUDDLES: What’s to think about, mirror?

MIRROR: I must recall how every female in the land currently looks, before answering. (thinking) Well, well. Like I never saw that one coming. Okay, I’m ready now.

QUEEN: About time, too.

MIRROR: I will now reveal the answer to your majesty’s question, in reverse order. (Muddles stands with eyes closed and fingers crossed) In third place, it’s Rose, the Princess’s lady-in-waiting. In second place, it’s Queen Drucilla. And still in first place, it’s Princess Snow White!

QUEEN: (furious) What!?

MUDDLES: (opens eyes) Oh no, not again.

QUEEN: You, useless mirror! I thought you’d fixed it, Muddles!

MUDDLES: So, did I your majesty. (to Mirror – threatening) I will certainly fix it later.

QUEEN: Forget it! I’ll fix the problem myself.

MUDDLES: Is your majesty technically qualified to fix a magic mirror?

QUEEN: I’m not talking about the stupid mirror! (sweeps off SL)

MUDDLES: You’ve really done it this time, mirror.

MIRROR: (innocently) What have I done now?

MUDDLES: You’ve annoyed the Queen, and I think the problem she means to fix, is Snow White.

MIRROR: I only spoke the truth. Snow White is the fairest in the land.

MUDDLES: I know that and you know that. But why do you have to keep telling her that?

MIRROR: I don’t have any choice. I cannot tell a lie.

MUDDLES: Then there’s only one thing for it. (starts pushing Mirror off)

MIRROR: Where are you taking me now?

MUDDLES: I’m taking you to the Wizard Barry Trotter. He made you and he can jolly well fix you.

MIRROR: Don’t make me laugh. The old fool only made me by accident in the first place.

MUDDLES: How can he have made you by accident?

MIRROR: He was trying to conjure up a giant iPad and got me instead.

MUDDLES: Well, if he can’t fix you. Then maybe I’ll try PC World.

MIRROR: And that’s even more of a laugh.

MUDDLES: You won’t be laughing if anything happens to Snow White. (exits SR with Mirror)