Snow White Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

Palace Throne Room

Music cue 1: Chorus of Maids. After song ends…

Muddles enters (SL)

Muddles

Hello boys and girls! My name’s Muddles and I work here at the palace, for King Desmond and Queen Drucilla. The King’s nice enough, but the Queen’s a nasty piece or work. The King married her after being on his own for many years, following the loss of his first wife. He also has a beautiful daughter called ‘Snow White’ and it makes me sad to see how her badly her new stepmother treats her. So, I need something to keep cheering me up. Now what’s the best thing for cheering people up? What cheers you up? (ad-lib to response) Shall I tell you what cheers me up? Lots of cuddles. I mean, who doesn’t like a cuddle? So, whenever I come on I’ll shout, ‘what makes me happy’? And you all shout back ‘cuddles Muddles’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) What makes me happy? (audience respond – repeat until happy) Fantastic! I’m just on my way to see the court magician, Barry Trotter. A while ago, he conjured up a magic mirror for the Queen and I’ve asked him to make a few adjustments. See you all later. (exits SR)

Senna enters (SL)

Senna

(singing) #That’s the way uh-huh-uh-huh I like it, uh-huh-uh-huh#

Maid 1

You sound happy this morning, Mrs P.

Senna
I’m just practising my song for X-Factor.

Maid 2

Well if your singing’s anything like your cooking, you’ve got no chance.

Maids laugh.

Senna

Watch it. I could always put something nasty in your shepherd’s pie.

Maid 3

You always put something nasty in the shepherd’s pie.

Maids laugh.

Senna

Clear off, you cheeky lot! (chases Maids off SR then spots audience) Oh, hello! I didn’t realise the tourist season had already started. Allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Mrs Pod, but you can call me Senna. And I’m the palace cook. Most of the staff here are quite nice really, apart from Hannah the Queen’s lady-in-waiting. She’s always trying to get people into trouble with the Queen. Fortunately, the Queen’s too obsessed with her own looks to take much notice. She’s so vain, that she’s taken to standing in front of a large mirror and asking it ‘who is the fairest in the land. Apparently, it’s a ‘magic’ mirror that can’t tell a lie. I couldn’t have that, could you girls? I mean, what woman wants a mirror that tells them the truth?

Hannah enters (USL)

Hannah

I’d like a word with you Senna.

Senna

(to Hannah) What do you want now Hannah?

Hannah

Her majesty has been persuaded to go on the GI plan.

Senna

What’s that then? A new corner-suite from DFS?

Hannah

No, it’s the latest healthy-eating plan.

Senna

What’s wrong with the diet she’s already on?

Hannah
You mean apart from the fact that you cook it?

Senna

Cheek!

Hannah

Take yesterday for instance. You served her curried beans on toast for breakfast, pickled cabbage risotto for lunch and boiled eggs deep-fried in batter for tea.

Senna

I’m only following the recipes in Jeremy Clarkson’s new cookbook. ‘Pukka Grub For Petrolheads’.

Hannah

After eating that lot, she had to see the doctor about a massive build-up of wind.

Senna

And what did he say?

Hannah

He said she had more gas reserves than the North Sea.

Senna

And there’s me thinking it was the drains. What’s she going on a diet for anyway?

Hannah

She wants to fit into a size ten in time for the royal banquet, to celebrate the King’s silver jubilee.

Senna

But that’s only two weeks away.

Hannah

Yes, and she expects to look like Kate Moss by then.

Senna

Has she ever considered liposuction?

Hannah

I don’t know. I’ll tell her you asked. (turns to go)

Senna

(stops her) Don’t bother! I like my head right where it is, thank you. On top of my shoulders.

Hannah

In that case, I’ll tell her majesty to pick out a new frock ready for the banquet. But I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, if she can’t fit into it on the big day. (exits USL)

Senna

(seething) Oooh! That woman would love to see me lose my bonce.

Rose enters (DSL)

Rose

Hello Mrs Pod.

Senna

Hello Rose. (to audience) This is Rose, Lady-in-waiting to Princess Snow White.

Rose

Who are you talking to?

Senna

(points to audience) That lot down there.

Rose

(looks at the audience) I didn’t realise it was the tourist season already.

Senna

I don’t think they’re tourists at all.

Rose

Then what are they doing here?

Senna

Well the local Salvation Army hostel has just closed down.

Rose

Do you think they’re from there then?

Senna

Looking at them, I think there’s every chance. They’ve probably just come in for a warm.

Snow White enters (SR)

Snow White

(brightly) Hello you two.

Rose

Good morning your highness.

Senna

(to audience) This is Princess Snow White. Isn’t she lovely?

Snow White

(abashed) Oh Mrs Pod, you are a flatterer.

Senna

I couldn’t flatter you enough my dear. (to audience) She’s such a sweet thing you know. Such a shame about her mum passing away, when she was only a baby.

Rose

(to Princess) I’ve got two tickets for a Take That concert, your highness, would you like to come with me?

Snow White

I’d love to Rose, but the Queen won’t allow me to leave the palace.

Senna

Well it’s not right if you ask me. You should be out clubbing and meeting handsome Princes, not shut up in a stuffy old palace.  (to audience) Don’t you agree boys and girls?

Music cue 2: Pushup jogs on (SL) dressed in running gear.

Pushup

Hup-hup-hup!

Senna

Eh-up, it’s Pushup the keep-fit jerk. ‘Jerk’ being the optimum word.

Pushup

Hi Senna, fancy going for a run? (thinks) ‘Senna Pod – run’. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! I made a joke just then.

Senna

Not as big as the one your parents made.

Pushup

(looking her over) Have you put on weight since yesterday, Senna?

Senna

I might’ve added a few ounces after that kebab and chips I had for breakfast. What’s it to you?

Pushup

You ought to eat healthy food, like me.

Senna

Listen Jamie Oliver. I like all my food deep-fried. Pineapple rings, onion rings, potato rings. (to audience) Although I do sometimes feel as though I’m frittering my life away. Ha-ha-ha! ‘Frittering’ my life away? Oh, please yourselves. But it’s the funniest line you’re going to hear tonight.

Rose

(to Snow White) Why don’t you try persuading your father to let you go to the concert, your highness?

Snow White

But the Queen will be furious if I go behind her back.

Senna

Take no notice of that old windbag, your highness.

Snow White

I’ll ask father if you come with me, Rose.

Rose

Very well, your highness. Let’s go.

Snow White and Rose exit (SL)

Pushup

(to Senna) You shouldn’t encourage the Princess to defy the Queen, Senna.

Senna

Shut up, muscle brain.

Pushup

You shut up!

Senna

No, you shut up!

Pushup

Oh grow up, stupid!

Senna

I did grow up, stupid! (realises) I mean…

Pushup

Ha! Gotcha!

Senna

(to audience) Never argue with an idiot. They’ll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Pushup

Yeah and I’ve got plenty. (pointing to audience) Who are this lot then?

Senna

I think they’re refugees from Oxfam.

Pushup

They certainly are a flabby-looking lot. (to audience) Right you lot, it’s time to whip you all into shape.

Senna

(to audience) I’ll bet you’re all sorry you bought tickets now, aren’t you?

Pushup

You can join in too Senna.

Senna

I’d love to, but I’m afraid I can’t.

Pushup

Why not?

Senna

I’ve got a bad back.

Pushup

Your front doesn’t look too good either.

Senna

Cheek! I’ll just watch and be ready to fetch the defibrillator.

Pushup

(to audience) We’ll start with a gentle warm-up exercise. I’ll count to three and shout ‘wave’ and I want to see a Mexican wave going from the front row all the way to the back. Ready? 1…2…3, wave! That wasn’t very good was it? Let’s do it again and this time I want to see a wave I could surf on. Ready? 1…2…3, wave!

Senna

(to Pushup) I think the tide’s just gone out.

Pushup

(to Audience) We’ll do it once more. And this time I want you to create a human tsunami. Ready? 1…2…3, wave!

Senna

(holding her tummy) Enough already. I’m starting to feel seasick.

Pushup

You’re obviously not used to exercising.

Senna

Rubbish! I exercise my body every morning.

Pushup

Then why don’t you show everybody what execises you do?

Senna

Right then. (to audience) Everybody raise their arms like this. (raises her arms with elbows out to each side and hands touching in the middle of her chest) Now bring both arms back like this…(jerks both arms back)…and repeat. I must, I must, improve my bust. (leads audience) I must, I must. Improve my bust.

Pushup

Stop!

Senna

What’s the matter now?

Pushup

All the males in the audience are looking decidedly uneasy.

Senna

Oh, yes. I didn’t really think it through, did I? (to audience) Everybody relax.

Pushup

I’m just off for my daily five-mile jog. Fancy joining me Senna?

Senna

No thanks. The last time I went jogging I ended up with two black eyes. (hoists her chest)

Pushup

I’m not surprised. (jogging on the spot) See ya later, baked potata! (jogs off SR)

Senna

I’ll give him ‘baked potata’. He’s about as intelligent as one.

Maids enter (SL)

Maid 1

(to Senna) Still here Senna?

Senna

No I left half an hour ago.

Maid 2

Then how come I can still see you with my own two eyes?

Senna

Well who are you gonna believe? Me or your own two eyes? Whereas a camera never lies.

Maid 3

But you haven’t got a camera.

Senna

My point exactly.

Maid 3

I haven’t a clue what you’re on about.

Senna

Then I’ve exposed the weakness in your argument. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get the Queen’s GI lunch ready. (to audience) See ya later folks. (exits SR)