THE PALACE THRONE ROOM
A crib is [USC] Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Sniffles [SR]
SNIFFLES: Hiya folks! Welcome to the Royal Palace of Slumberland. I’m Sniffles the court jester and whenever I enter and shout how’s it going!? You all shout back, smashing Sniffles, and I’ll tell you a joke. Okay? Let’s try it then. How’s it going? What sits in a pram and wobbles? A Jelly Baby! I didn’t say they were funny.
Enter Nursie [SL]
NURSIE: Cooee! Sniffles!
SNIFFLES: This is Nurse Penny Cillin the royal midwife.
NURSIE: The word midwife doesn’t do justice to the work I do, Sniffles. So, I’ve decided that from now on I’ll be known as ‘Paediatric Observation Officer’.
SNIFFLES: Paediatric Observation Officer? [spells out the acronym] P.O.O. Poo!?
NURSIE: [grimaces] Oooh! Maybe I didn’t think that one through.
SNIFFLES: Have you been busy getting ready for the royal Christening, Nursie?
NURSIE: Yes, Sniffles. What with cooking, washing, ironing, and fetching this and that. I’ve hardly had time to poke my nose where it’s not wanted.
SNIFFLES: That makes a change.
NURSIE: [to audience] And for any men who might be interested. [pointing] And you are, I can tell. What’s your name? [man answers] Well…[man’s name]…you’ll be pleased to know I’m still single and available. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?
SNIFFLES: Not from where I’m standing it isn’t.
NURSIE: I’m one of the few ladies of a certain age, who’s still pure and untouched.
SNIFFLES: [aside to audience] Pure ugly and nobody will touch her.
NURSIE: My generation believed in saving it for marriage. And at my age I’ve got a heck of lot saved up, I can tell you. So if any men would like to dip into my savings. Come to my dressing-room after the show and form a queue behind Sniffles.
SNIFFLES: I’m not joining any queue!
NURSIE: Okay you can forget queuing and can kiss me now! [grabs him]
SNIFFLES: [struggling to free himself] Nurse Penny, where’s your decorum!?
NURSIE: I haven’t seen that in ages, would you like to help me find it?
SNIFFLES: No, fear! [breaks free]
NURSIE: Wouldn’t you like to discover what womanly surprises I have up my sleeve?
SNIFFLES: It’s not what’s up your sleeve I’m worried about.
Enter King and Queen [SL] The Queen carries baby Aurora.
NURSIE: Good morning your majesties, I trust you both slept well?
KING: I slept like a baby, Nursie.
QUEEN: It’s all right for some. I’ve been up all night trying to get Aurora to sleep, and now that I finally have, I don’t want her waking. [to audience] So, please be quiet for the rest of the show. [places baby in crib]
NURSIE: I don’t think you need worry on that score, your majesty.
SNIFFLES: Not if this script’s anything to go by.
KING: By the way Nursie, we have a special surprise for you. Don’t we, Myrtle?
QUEEN: We certainly do, Basil.
NURSIE: A surprise! For moi? Whatever could it be?
KING: We know how lonely your life must be Nursie, living all alone in your little flat.
QUEEN: Especially during those long cold winter nights.
NURSIE: I’ll admit it would be nice to have some company.
KING: Which is why we’ve decided to give you a room here at the palace.
QUEEN: Where you can experience love and companionship with somebody special.
KING: Someone you can cuddle and whisper sweet words to every night.
QUEEN: Someone whose tummy you can tickle and blow raspberries on.
NURSIE: It takes a woman to know a woman’s needs, your majesty.
KING: Are you ready to give it to Nursie, Sniffles?
SNIFFLES: Ready and willing your majesty.
NURSIE: You saucy thing, Sniffles!
QUEEN: Then let her have it right away.
SNIFFLES: Yes, your majesty.
NURSIE: Shouldn’t we go somewhere private Sniffles?
SNIFFLES: Their majesties insist that I do it in their presence, Nursie.
KING: We want to see your reaction when he takes it out and gives it to you Nursie.
NURSIE: It’s the reaction of the audience I’m worried about.
QUEEN: I’m sure they won’t mind.
NURSIE: I think they will you know, this is a family show.
KING: Hurry up and do it, Sniffles.
SNIFFLES: Yes, your majesty. [turns away and fumbles in his pocket]
NURSIE: [to audience] Cover your eyes, kids!
SNIFFLES: [hands Nursie an apron with ROYAL NANNY on it] Here you are Nursie.
NURSIE: What’s this?
QUEEN: It’s your new uniform.
NURSIE: [puzzled] Uniform?
SNIFFLES: They only had size XXXL, so it might be a tight fit.
QUEEN: We’d like you to become full-time live-in Nanny to Princess Aurora, Nursie.
NURSIE: You were talking about cuddling her, and tickling her tummy every night?
KING: Of course!
QUEEN: Who did you think we were talking about?
NURSIE: Never mind.
KING: What do you say Nursie?
NURSIE: It’s a big commitment, your majesty. I’ll have to think about it.
QUEEN: If you take the job, your room will be next to Sniffles.
NURSIE: When can I move in?
KING: Right away.
NURSIE: There is a connecting door I take it?