The Palace Throne Room
Servants are onstage. Music cue 2: Servants. After song ends…All exit (SL)Sniffles enters (SR)
Sniffles Hiya kids! Welcome to the royal palace of Slumberland. I’m Sniffles the court jester and whenever I come on, I’ll shout how ya doing kids!? And if you all shout smashing Sniffles! I’ll tell you a joke. Okay? Let’s try it then. How ya doing kids? (response) What sits in a pram and wobbles? A Jelly Baby! (groans) I didn’t say they were funny.
Music cue 3: Nursie enters (SL) wearing a necklace made from nine carrots.
Sniffles This is Nurse Penny Cillin, the royal midwife.
Nursie Actually, the word midwife doesn’t do justice to the work I do. So, I’ve decided that from now on. I will be known as a Paediatric Observation Officer.
Sniffles Paediatric Observation Officer? (spells out the acronym) P.O.O. Poo!
Nursie (grimaces) Ooooh! Maybe I didn’t think that one through.
Sniffles Have you been busy getting ready for the royal Christening, Nursie?
Nursie Yes, Sniffles. What with cooking, washing, ironing and fetching this and that. I’ve hardly had time to poke my nose into where it’s not wanted.
Sniffles That makes a change.
Nursie Do you like my necklace? It’s nine carrot you know.
Sniffles I can see that.
Nursie (to audience) And for any men who might be interested. (pointing at a Man) And you are, I can tell. What’s your name? (Man answers) Well…(Man’s name)…you’ll be pleased to know, that I’m still single and available. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?
Sniffles Not from where I’m standing.
Nursie I’m one of the few ladies of a certain age, that is still pure and untouched.
Sniffles Now that, I can believe.
Nursie My generation believed in saving it for marriage. (to audience) And at my age I’ve got a lot saved up, I can tell you. So, if any men would like to dip into my little nest-egg later. Call to my dressing-room after the show and form a queue behind Sniffles.
Sniffles I’m not joining any queue!
Nursie Then forget queuing and give us a kiss right now! (grabs him)
Sniffles (struggling to free himself) Nurse Penny! Where’s your decorum?
Nursie I haven’t seen that in ages. Would you like to help me find it?
Sniffles No, chance! (breaks free)
Nursie Wouldn’t you like to discover what womanly surprises, I have up my sleeve?
Sniffles It’s not what’s up your sleeve, I’m worried about.
Music cue 4: The King and Queen enter (SL) The Queen carries a baby wrapped in a shawl.
Nursie Good morning your majesties! I trust you both slept well?
King I slept like a baby, Nursie.
Queen And I’ve been up all night trying to get the baby to sleep. And now I finally have, I don’t want her waking. (to audience) So, please be quiet for the rest of the show.
Nursie I don’t think you need worry on that score, your majesty.
Sniffles Not if this script’s anything to go by.
King By the way Nursie, we have a special surprise for you. Don’t we, Rosemary?
Queen We certainly do, Basil.
Nursie (delighted) A surprise? For moi?
King You see, Nursie. We know how lonely your life must be, living all alone in your flat.
Queen Especially, during those long cold winter nights.
Nursie It’s true. If it wasn’t for Netflix boxsets, I’d probably have topped myself by now.
King Which is why we’ve decided to give you a room here at the palace. Where you can experience love and companionship with someone special.
Queen Someone you can tuck up in bed and whisper sweet words to. Someone whose tummy you can rub and tickle every night.
Nursie It takes a woman to know a woman’s needs, your majesty.
King Sniffles. Are you ready to give Nursie something that will transform her life, and make her happy?
Sniffles I’ve been wanting to give it to her for some time, your majesty.
Nursie Oh! You saucy thing, Sniffles!
Sniffles Shall I give it to her now, your majesties?
Queen Yes please, Sniffles.
Nursie What? In front of everybody?
Sniffles Their majesties insist I do it in their presence, Nursie.
King We want to see the reaction on your face when he whips it out and gives it to you.
Nursie It’s the reaction of the audience I’m worried about.
Queen I’m sure they won’t mind.
Nursie I think they will you know. This is a family show.
Sniffles It’s only a little thing Nursie, and it won’t take long.
Nursie Then it’s probably not worth the bother.
King We haven’t got all day, Sniffles. Now take it out and give it to her.
Sniffles Yes, your majesty. (turns away and fumbles in his pocket) Get ready Nursie.
Nursie (to audience) Quick kids! Cover your eyes!
Sniffles (turns hands Nursie an apron) Here you are, Nursie.
Nursie What’s this?
Queen It’s your new uniform.
Sniffles They only had size XXL, so it might be a tight fit.
Nursie Cheek! (opens apron to show the words ROYAL NANNY) What’s this all about?
Queen We’d like you to become a full-time live-in Nanny for Princess Aurora, Nursie.
Nursie You were talking about tucking her up in bed, and tickling her tummy every night?
King Of course!
Queen Who did you think we were talking about?
Nursie Never mind.
King What do you say, Nursie?
Nursie It’s a big commitment, your majesty. I’ll have to think about it.
Queen If you take the job, your room will be next to Sniffles’.
Nursie (quickly) When can I move in? (to Sniffles) There is a connecting door I take it?
Sniffles Yes, and I’ll be boarding it up on my side.
Page enters (SR)
Page The royal fairies have arrived, your Majesties.
King Show them in at once, page!
Page Yes, your majesty. (exits SR)
Queen I wonder what gifts the royal fairies will bestow on Aurora.
Page The royal fairies, your majesties!
Fairies enter (SR) Page exits (SR)
King (to Fairies) Welcome, royal fairies! Welcome!
Fairy Rose Greetings your majesties.
Fairy Violet We’re here to bestow our magical gifts upon the baby Princess.
Fairy Daisy Now, where is the little darling?
Queen She’s asleep in her crib, but you mustn’t wake her.
Fairy Rose Don’t worry, we’re using our quietest spells.
Fairy Violet I take it, your majesties didn’t invite Fairy Poison Ivy?
King Certainly not. She’s turned into a wicked and bad-tempered fairy.
Queen And we don’t want her causing trouble at Aurora’s Christening.
Sniffles Then let’s hope she doesn’t turn up uninvited and try spoiling everything.
Nursie Don’t worry about her, Sniffles. She’s all mumbo and jumbo.
Sniffles She’s also more powerful than all the other fairies, put together.
Fairy Daisy It’s true I’m afraid. So, we’ll keep it short and sweet. Ready sisters?
Fairies form around the crib and take it in turns to wave their wands over it.
Rose (waving wand) Princess Aurora, I grant you the gift of beauty. Music cue 5:
Fairy Violet (waving wand) I grant you the gift of wisdom. Music cue 6:
Fairy Daisy (waving wand) And I grant you the gift of…
Snap blackout. Fairy Poison Ivy enters (SL) in blackout.
King What’s happened to the lights?
Nursie I think a fuse must’ve blown.
Lights return to normal.
Sniffles Thank goodness. I hate being kept in the dark.
Poison Ivy And so, do I!
All Poison Ivy!
Poison Ivy How dare you hold the royal Christening and not invite me!
King (bluffing) Didn’t you get your invite?
Poison Ivy No, I didn’t!
Queen (tutting) I don’t know what’s happened to Royal Mail lately.
Poison Ivy (indicating Fairies) These three empty-heads, seem to have received theirs okay.
Rose Still throwing insults, Poison Ivy?
Violet That’s all she’s good for.
Poison Ivy And what are you three losers good for?
Fairy Daisy For bestowing our fairy gifts, on Princess Aurora?
Poison Ivy Ah yes, we mustn’t forget her, must we? Where is the royal brat?
King How dare you call our darling baby, a brat!
Poison Ivy I hate babies! But, it’s still my duty to bestow my gift upon the little royal monster.
Nursie And as the royal nanny, it’s my duty to knock your block off! (raises fists)
Poison Ivy Shut it, you old fool! Or I’ll turn you into something even uglier, than you already are!
Sniffles (aside to audience) That would tax her ingenuity.
Fairy Rose We’re already granting Aurora all the gifts she’ll ever need.
Fairy Violet What gift can you give her, Poison Ivy?
Poison Ivy The gift of…death!
Queen (horrified) No! Do something, Basil!
King Guards! (Guards enter) Arrest Poison Ivy!
Guards move forward.
Poison Ivy Freeze! (everybody including the fairies are frozen to the spot) Nobody can move, but all can see and hear. Now, watch and listen! (waves wand over the crib)
Before Aurora reaches eighteen years,
The kingdom will shed bitter tears.
On a sharp spindle her finger she’ll prick.
And in seconds flat, she will fall sick.
Before the blood that drips so red,
Dries on her finger,she will be dead!
SFX:Thunder rolls and lights flash.
Poison Ivy exits laughing. All unfreeze and Guards troop off again.
Queen Poison Ivy has put a deadly curse on our poor baby!
Sniffles Perhaps the other fairies can lift it, your majesties.
Nursie (to Fairies) Can you remove the curse from the Princess?
F. Daisy I’m afraid not.
F. Rose Poison Ivy’s spell is too powerful for us to lift.
F. Violet Daisy haven’t bestowed her gift yet. Maybe she can alter Poison Ivy’s spell.
F. Daisy I’ll give it a go. (raises her wand)
Poison Ivy’s spell, I change double quick,
If Princess Aurora her finger should prick.
For a hundred years she’ll sleep in bliss,
Until awakened by true love’s kiss. (waves her wand) Music cue 7:
F. Rose And now we must return to Fairyland.
F. Violet But never fear, there will be a happy ending.
F. Daisy Come sisters.
All Fairies exit.
King I’ve just had an idea!
Queen There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.
King We’ll burn every spinning-wheel in the land. Then Aurora can’t prick her finger on a spindle, can she?
Nursie That won’t work, your majesty.
Sniffles Why not, Nursie?
Nursie Anybody could buy one from Amazon and have it delivered by drone.
King Then we must send her away somewhere, where nobody will ever find her.
Queen But where?
King Hidden deep in the forest, is an old hunting lodge. Aurora can live there and be brought up as a peasant girl. Before being returned to us on her eighteenth birthday.
Queen But who will look after her for eighteen long years?
King The Royal Nanny, of course.
Queen Will you do it, Nursie?
Nursie All right, but it might get a bit lonely on my own. Can I take someone with me?
Sniffles I’m not spending eighteen years cooped up in a little cottage with you!
King It’s either that or spend eighteen years in the palace dungeons.
Sniffles Actually, a little forest hideaway sounds quite nice. It has two bedrooms I take it?
Queen No, just the one.
Sniffles I suppose I can always partition it with a stud wall.
Nursie (vamping him) You’re the only stud I’m interested in.
Sniffles Oh. Eck! Is it too late to change my mind, your majesty?
Queen Oh, Basil. I’m going to miss our darling Aurora, so much.
King Me too. But it’s for the best, dear.
Nursie Don’t worry your majesties, I’ll look after her well. (to Sniffles) Come along Sniffles. (takes the baby from the crib and exits SR)
Sniffles (to audience as he exits) Goodbye, innocence. Hello sufferance. (exits SR)
Queen (to King) Let’s go to the highest turret in the palace and look upon our precious daughter, for the last time for another eighteen years.