SCENE ONE
THE PALACE THRONE ROOM
A crib is [USC] Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Sniffles [SR]
SNIFFLES: Hiya, folks! Welcome to the royal palace in the Kingdom of Faraway. I’m Sniffles, the royal jester and whenever I enter and shout, ‘hiya, folks’! You all shout back ‘hiya, Sniffles’, and I’ll tell you a funny joke. Okay? Let’s give it a go. Hiya, folks! What sits in a pram and wobbles? A Jelly Baby! [laughs]
Enter Nursie [SL]
NURSIE: Cooee, Sniffles!
SNIFFLES: This is Nurse Penny Cillin, the royal midwife.
NURSIE: The word midwife doesn’t do justice to the work I do, Sniffles. So, I’ve decided that henceforth I will be known as Paediatric Observation Officer.
SNIFFLES: Paediatric Observation Officer? [spells out the acronym] P.O.O. Poo!?
NURSIE: [grimaces] Oooh! Maybe I didn’t think that one through. Scrub that, Sniffles.
SNIFFLES: Have you been busy getting ready for the Royal Christening, Nursie?
NURSIE: Yes, Sniffles. What with the cooking, washing, ironing, fetching and carrying, I’ve hardly had time to poke my nose where it’s not wanted.
SNIFFLES: That makes a change.
NURSIE: For any men who are interested in my relationship status. [pointing] And you are, I can tell. What’s your name? [man answers] Well…[man’s name]…you’ll be pleased to know I’m still single and available. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?
SNIFFLES: Not from where I’m standing it isn’t.
NURSIE: I’m one of the few ladies of a certain age who are still pure and untouched.
SNIFFLES: Pure ugly and nobody will touch her. [laughs]
NURSIE: Cheek! My generation believed in saving it for marriage. And I’ve got a heck of lot saved up I can tell you. Anyone interested in dipping into my savings, form a line behind Sniffles outside my dressing room after the show.
SNIFFLES: I’m not queuing up for you, Nursie!
NURSIE: Okay, Sniffles, you can forget about queuing and kiss me now! [grabs him]
SNIFFLES: [struggling to free himself] Nursie, please, where’s your decorum!?
NURSIE: I haven’t seen that in ages. Would you like to help me find it?
SNIFFLES: No, in a million years, Nursie! [breaks free]
NURSIE: Wouldn’t you like to discover what womanly surprises I have up my sleeve?
SNIFFLES: It’s not what’s up your sleeve I’m worried about.
Enter King and Queen [SL] The Queen carries baby Aurora.
NURSIE: Good morning, Your Majesties, I trust you both slept well?
KING: I slept like a baby, Nursie.
QUEEN: It’s all right for some, isn’t it, ladies? I’ve been up all night trying to get Aurora to sleep, and now that I finally have, I don’t want her waking. [to audience] So, please be quiet for the rest of the show. [places baby in crib]
NURSIE: I’m sure they’ll all be quiet as mice, Your Majesty.
SNIFFLES: They will be if this script is anything to go by.
KING: By the way, Nursie, we have a special surprise for you, don’t we Rosemary?
QUEEN: We certainly do, Basil.
NURSIE: A surprise, for moi? Whatever could it be?
KING: We know how lonely your life must be, Nursie, living all alone in your tiny flat.
QUEEN: Especially during the long, cold, winter nights.
NURSIE: I’ll admit it would be nice to have some company.
KING: Which is why we’re giving you a room at the palace.
QUEEN: Where you can experience love and companionship with someone special.
KING: Someone you can cuddle and whisper sweet words to every night.
QUEEN: Someone whose tummy you can tickle and blow raspberries on.
NURSIE: It takes a woman to know a woman’s needs, Your Majesty.
KING: Are you ready to give it to Nursie, Sniffles?
SNIFFLES: Ready and willing, Your Majesty.
NURSIE: Oh, you saucy thing, Sniffles!
QUEEN: Then let her have it right away.
SNIFFLES: Yes, Your Majesty.
NURSIE: Shouldn’t we go somewhere private first, Sniffles?
SNIFFLES: No, Nursie, Their Majesties insist I do it in their presence.
KING: We want to see your reaction when he takes it out and places it in your hand, Nursie.
NURSIE: It’s the reaction of the audience I’m worried about.
QUEEN: I’m sure they’ll enjoy seeing it too.
NURSIE: I’m not sure they will, you know, this is a family show.
KING: Hurry up and do it, Sniffles.
SNIFFLES: Yes, Your Majesty. [turns away and fumbles in his pocket]
NURSIE: [to audience] Cover your eyes, kids!
SNIFFLES: [hands Nursie an apron with ‘Royal Nanny’ on it] Here you are, Nursie.
NURSIE: What’s this?
QUEEN: It’s your new uniform.
NURSIE: [puzzled] Uniform?
QUEEN: We’d like you to become a full-time live-in Nanny to Princess Aurora, Nursie.
NURSIE: You were talking about cuddling Aurora, and tickling her tummy every night?
KING: Of course!
QUEEN: Who did you think we were talking about, Nursie?
NURSIE: Never mind.
KING: What do you say, Nursie?
NURSIE: It’s a big commitment, Your Majesty, I’ll have to think about it.
QUEEN: If you take the job, your room will be next to Sniffles.
NURSIE: When can I move in?
KING: Right away if you like.
NURSIE: There is a connecting door, I take it?
QUEEN: Yes, Nursie.
SNIFFLES: And you can take it I’ll be boarding it up.
