Sleeping Beauty Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Palace Throne Room

Palace Servants are onstage. Music cue 2: Servants. After song ends…All exit (SL)

Sniffles enters (SR)

Sniffles

Hiya kids! Welcome to the royal court of Slumberland, where everyone is getting ready for the Christening of Princess Aurora. I’m Sniffles the court jester and whenever I come on, I’ll shout ‘how ya doin’ kids’ and you can all shout back ‘we’re doing really smashing Sniffles, thanks for asking. It’s really nice of you to show an interest in us.’ And I’ll then tell you one of my jokes. Okay? (audience respond) Let’s have a go then. (shouts) How ya doin’ kids? (audience respond) On second thoughts, Just shout ‘smashing Sniffles’ instead. Let’s try that. (shouts) How ya doin’ kids! (audience respond) Fantastic!  Okay, here’s the first joke. What sits in a pram and wobbles? A Jelly Baby! (audience groan) I never said they were funny.

Music cue 3: Nursie enters (SL) wearing a necklace made from nine carrots.

Nursie

Cooee!

Sniffles

This is Nurse Penny Cillin, the Royal midwife.

Nursie
Actually, the word ‘midwife’ doesn’t do justice to the work I do. So I’ve decided that from now on, I will be known as a ‘Paediatric Observation Officer’.

Sniffles

Paediatric Observation Officer? (spells out the acronym) P.O.O. Poo!

Nursie

(pulls a face) Ooooh! Maybe I didn’t think that one through.

Sniffles

Have you been busy getting ready for the christening, Nursie?

Nursie

Yes, I have. What with cooking, washing, ironing and fetching this and that. I’ve hardly had time to poke my nose into where it’s not wanted.

Sniffles

(aside to audience) That makes a change.

Nursie

(showing her necklace) Do you like my necklace, Sniffles? It’s nine carrot you know.

Sniffles

I can see that.

Nursie

(to audience) And for those men who might be interested. (pointing to a Man in audience) And you are, I can tell. What’s your name? (Man answers) Well…(Man’s name)…you’ll be pleased to know that I’m still single. It’s hard to
believe, isn’t it? But I’m pure and untouched.

Sniffles

(to audience) Pure ugly and nobody will touch her.

Nursie

Cheek! My generation believed in saving it for marriage. (to audience) And at my age I’ve got a lot saved up, I can tell you. So, if any men fancy popping round to my dressing room later for autographs, form an orderly queue behind…(Man’s name – turns to Sniffles) But you can jump the queue Sniffles.

Sniffles

I don’t want to join the queue, never mind jump it.

Nursie

Then forget queuing and give us a kiss! (grabs him)

Sniffles

(struggling to free himself) Nurse Penny!  Where’s your decorum?

Nursie

I haven’t seen that in ages. Would you like to help me find it?

Sniffles

No fear! (breaks free)

Nursie

But don’t you find me…(posing alluringly)…attractive?

Sniffles

As a boil on the bum.

Nursie

But I have so much to offer a man. And I do have a little surprise up my sleeve.

Sniffles

(dryly) It’s not what’s up your sleeve, I’m worried about.

Music cue 4: Chambers enters (SL) followed by the King & Queen. The Queen carries a ‘baby’ wrapped in a shawl.

Chambers

(loudly) Their royal majesties, King Basil and Queen Rosemary!

Queen

Sssshh! I don’t want Aurora waking, you silly Chamberlain! I’ve been up all night trying to get her to sleep.

Chambers

Sorry your majesty. (stage whisper) Their royal majesties, King Basil and Queen Rosemary.

Queen

(places baby in crib and turns to audience) And you lot had better be quiet too.

Nursie

(dryly) If this script’s anything to go by, it won’t be long before they’re asleep too.

Queen

(to Nursie) I’m glad you’re here Nursie, because we have a special surprise for you.  (to King) Don’t we, Basil?

King

Yes indeed.

Nursie

(delighted) A surprise?  For moi?

King

You see Nursie. We’re aware of how lonely life must be for you, living alone in your hovel. I mean, council flat.

Queen

Especially during those long cold, winter nights.

King

So we’ve decided to give you a room, here at the palace. Where you can experience love and companionship with someone special.

Queen

Someone you can tuck up in bed and whisper sweet words to. Whose tummy you can blow raspberries on and tickle every night.

Nursie

(to Queen) It takes a woman to know a woman’s needs, your majesty.

King

Lord Chamberlain. Are you ready to give Nursie something that will transform her life, and make her happier than she’s ever been?

Chambers
I’ve been ready to give it to her for some time, your majesty.

Nursie
Ooh! Lord Chamberpot, you saucy thing you! (coyly to Chambers) But, shouldn’t you wait until we’re alone?

Chambers

No, I must do it now. (produces a mob-cap with ‘ROYAL NANNY’ printed on it and hands it to Nursie) Here you are.

Nursie

What’s this?

Chambers

It’s your new uniform. (turns and exits SR)

Nursie

(puzzled) Uniform?

Queen

Yes. We thought we’d make you a full-time live-in Nanny, for our darling Aurora.

Nursie

(penny dropping) You were talking about me tucking Aurora up in bed, and tickling her tummy every night?

Queen

Of course.

King

Who did you think we were talking about?

Nursie

Never mind.

Queen

So what do you say, Nursie?

Nursie

One moment your majesty. (to Sniffles) You like girls in uniform, don’t you Sniffles?

Sniffles

Not half…(lustily)…phwoar!

Nursie

(quickly donning the cap) I’ll do it!

Chambers enters (SR)

Chambers
The Royal Fairies have arrived, your Majesties.

King

Show them in at once!

Chambers

Yes, your majesty. (exits SR)

Queen

I wonder what gifts the four Royal Fairies will bestow on Aurora.

King

Actually, I only sent invitations to three of them. I didn’t think it was a good idea to invite…(stage whisper)…you-know-who.

Queen

You mean, Fairy Poison Ivy?

King

Yes. She’s turned into a bad-tempered, wicked witch. And I don’t want her causing trouble at Aurora’s Christening.

Queen

But Poison Ivy’s the most powerful fairy in the kingdom.  Her magic is stronger than the other three put together. Once she finds out about this, she’ll be furious and will try and spoil everything!

Nursie

(raises her fists) She’ll have to get past the Royal Nanny first.

Chambers re-enters.

Chambers

Your royal majesties. Allow me to present, the Royal fairies!

Fairies enter (SR)

King

(to Fairies) Welcome, Royal Fairies! Welcome!

Fairy Rose

(with a flourish of her wand) Thank you, your majesty.

Fairy Daisy

We bring you love and joy from Fairyland.

Fairy Violet

And we’re ready to bestow our magical gifts on the young Princess.

Fairy Rose

(excitedly) Where is the little darling?

Queen

(pointing to the crib) She’s asleep in her crib, but you mustn’t wake her.

Fairy Violet
We’re using our quietest spells your majesty.

They form a queue and take turns in weaving a magic spell over the crib.

Fairy Rose

(waving her wand over the crib) I grant you the gift of beauty. Music cue 5:

Fairy Violet

(waving her wand over the crib) I grant you the gift of wisdom. Music cue 6:

Fairy Daisy

(waving her wand over the crib) I grant you the gift of…

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.

Snap blackout. Fairy Poison Ivy enters (SL) in blackout.

Queen

What happened to the lights? Have you forgotten to pay the electricity bill, Basil?

King
Of course not!

Lights return to normal.

Queen

Oh, thank goodness. I was beginning to think we’d been cut off.

Everyone spots Poison Ivy and there is general consternation.

Poison Ivy

Well, well.  What a happy little gathering we have here.

King

(scared) P…P…Poison Ivy!  How nice to see you again.

Poison Ivy

Silence, King Bonehead!  You dare to hold the royal Christening and not invite me! The most powerful fairy of them all!

King

(bluffing) Didn’t you get our invitation? Oh, how embarrassing. I don’t know what’s happened to Royal Mail lately.