Sleeping Beauty Version 1

SCENE ONE

THE VILLAGE SQUARE

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Exit Villagers [SR]

JUSTIN: Hello boys and girls! My name’s Justin Thyme, and I live here in the beautiful Kingdom of Slumberland, which was once terrorised by a nasty fire-breathing dragon. The king offered a huge reward to anybody who could slay it. The Pied Piper tried and became the Fried Piper, someone called Rab ended up as a kebab. Then a knight from Camelot speared the dragon, made it rollover, and claimed the jackpot.

Enter Town Crier [SR] who unwinds a scroll.

CRIER: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Their royal majesties King Rolo and Queen Bounty, hereby invite all citizens of Slumberland to a fancy-dress ball tomorrow night at the palace, to celebrate the eighteenth birthday of Princess AURORA! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! [rolls up scroll and exits SR]

JUSTIN: I’ve always dreamt of meeting the Princess, and now I’ll get my chance.

Enter Walter [SL] carrying a cardboard box.

JUSTIN: Eh-up! It’s Walter the village idiot! He never goes anywhere without his cardboard box, and we all play a little game called, what’s in the box Walter? You can play along too if you like. Whenever Walter comes on, somebody will lead you in shouting, what’s in the box Walter? In fact, let’s give it a go right now. [leads audience] What’s in the box Walter?

WALTER: It’s full of ‘air.

JUSTIN: You mean it’s empty?

WALTER: No, it’s full of ‘air.

JUSTIN: If it’s full of air Walter, then it’s empty. A bit like your head.

WALTER: It’s not empty, it’s full of ‘air. [opens box and takes out a wig] See?

JUSTIN: Oh, hair!

WALTER: That’s what I said.

JUSTIN: Yes, but you dropped the H, Walter.

WALTER: Did I? [scanning floor] Would you mind helping me look for it?

JUSTIN: Never mind, Walter. Have you heard about the royal ball to celebrate Princess AURORA’s eighteenth birthday?

WALTER: Is a ball like a big party?

JUSTIN: Yes, and it’ll be even bigger than the one they threw for Professor Newton, when he won the Nobel prize.

WALTER: Professor Newton won a prize for not having a bell?

JUSTIN: No Walter, it’s the Alfred Nobel prize.

WALTER: Alfred won one as well, did he?

JUSTIN: I can’t take any more of this. [guiding him off SR] Goodbye Walter.

Enter Felix [SL]

FELIX: Hello Justin.

JUSTIN: Hiya Felix! Have you heard the news?

FELIX: What news is that then?

JUSTIN: The palace are throwing a fancy-dress ball for Princess Aurora’s eighteenth birthday, and everybody’s invited.

FELIX: Will your mother be going?

JUSTIN: I expect so, she likes a good do.

FELIX: Then you can definitely count me out.

JUSTIN: How come?

FELIX: I’m still having nightmares from that pyjama party we went to. She thought you had to turn up in what you sleep in, and she only sleeps in her birthday suit. It was so, embarrassing!

JUSTIN: How do you think I felt!? Do you have any idea how expensive therapy is?

FELIX: [nervous] She’s not with you, is she?

JUSTIN: Relax Felix, she’s busy picking our last crop of beetroot.

FELIX: How’s the farming business these days?

JUSTIN: Terrible. We’re that skint, mum’s even asked me to pawn her wedding ring.

FELIX: But doesn’t it hold sentimental value for her?

JUSTIN: Mum’s not the sentimental type.

FELIX: She sends me mental every time we meet.

JUSTIN: Anyway, I’d better be off Felix. Bye! [exits SL]

FELIX: Bye, Justin! [to audience] I always try to avoid Dame Thyme. She fancies me like mad and I’d have to be mad, to fancy her. I wouldn’t say she was ugly, but she must’ve sucked an awful lot of lemons to look the way she does.

Enter Dame Thyme [SR]

TITANIA: Hello Felix!

FELIX: [turns] Oh no, it’s the creature from the black lagoon!

TITANIA: Blackpool actually. I’ve just been there on a weekend break.

FELIX: I’m surprised you can afford a weekend break.

TITANIA: It was all paid for by the BBC.

FELIX: Well, they’d better not put the license fee up again.

TITANIA: Not that BBC! The British Beetroot Consortium. They hold their annual trade fair in Blackpool.

FELIX: I never realised that beetroot was such big business.

TITANIA: It is for some, but I only have a smallholding. [hoists bosom]

FELIX: Oh, I wouldn’t say that Dame Thyme.

TITANIA: Call me Titania. All of my most intimate friends do.

FELIX: How come your parents gave you such an unusual name?

TITANIA: It’s because they wanted a name that couldn’t be shortened.

FELIX: [to audience] I’m saying nothing.

TITANIA: I went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and had a go on that big rollercoaster.

FELIX: Weren’t you frightened?

TITANIA: No, it takes a lot to frighten me.

FELIX: Well, if looking in the mirror doesn’t do it then nothing will.

TITANIA: It’s a good job I know you’re only joking.

FELIX: Who’s joking!?

TITANIA: I spotted a young man on the ride, sitting on his own and looking very nervous.

FELIX: Maybe he thought that you were about to sit next to him.

TITANIA: I did actually. I grabbed his hand and said, calm down love, we haven’t even started yet. But he just screamed no, and we’re not going to, and jumped off.