Sleeping Beauty Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Of Tapioca

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Villagers mingle about upstage.

Felix enters (SL)

Felix

(to audience) Hiya kids! (little response) I said ‘hiya kids’! (audience respond) That’s better. My name’s Felix and I live right here in the village of Tapioca, in the Kingdom of Ambrosia. It’s a nice little place…no love I said ‘nice’ not ‘rice’. The King doesn’t likanyone making jokes about Ambrosia. And if anyone does the palace guards take them into custardy. Ha-ha, only joking. Ambrosia’s a lovely little place, especially now that the nasty dragon has been slain. It’s true! We used to have a real fire-breathing dragon here and the King offered a huge reward to anyone who could get rid of it. Let me see now…first there was the Pied Piper, who ended up as the ‘fried piper’. Then a knight called Rab, who ended up as a kebab. It was a bit of a lottery until a knight from Camelot speared the dragon, made it rollover and hit the jackpot. And now there’s nothing to be afraid of. Well that’s not quite true, there’s still Dame Thyme. And she’s scarier than any dragon. And talk about taste! She’s the only person I know who was asked to leave a library, because her clothes were too loud. And fancy calling her son Justin, I mean…

Music cue 2: Town Crier enters (SR) and unwinds a scroll.

Town crier

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Their royal majesties hereby invite all citizens of Ambrosia to a fancy-dress ball tomorrow at the palace. To celebrate the eighteenth birthday of Princess Nightingale! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! (rolls up the scroll and exits)

Villagers

(variously) A royal party! How exciting! Etc.

Villagers exit (SR) chattering excitedly.

Walter enters (SL) carrying a cardboard box.

Felix

(to audience) Eh-up, it’s Walter the village idiot. He’s harmless really, but he never goes anywhere without that box of his. We play a little game around here called ‘what’s in the box Walter’? You can all play along if you like. Whenever anyone says ‘what’s in the box Walter’? You can all join in. Let’s have a go, shall we? After three…three! (leads audience) What’s in the box Walter?

Walter

Dripping.

Felix

(looks in box) Shouldn’t it be in a food container? Not, just swilling around loose in a cardboard box. (dips a finger in and tries some) It’s a bit salty this pork dripping.

Walter

It’s not pork dripping.

Felix

Beef dripping?

Walter

No.

Felix

Well if it’s not pork dripping or beef dripping. Then what kind of dripping is it?

Walter

Nose dripping. (wipes sleeve noisily across his nose and sniffs)

Felix

(gags) Ugggh! I’ll never eat dripping, ever again. By the way, Walter. Have you heard about the royal ball? It’s going to be even bigger than the one they threw for Professor Newton, when he won the Nobel prize.

Walter

(puzzled) Professor Newton won a prize for not having a bell?

Felix

No Walter. It’s the ‘Alfred Nobel’ prize.

Walter

So, Alfred won one as well? (thinks) ‘Ere, can I have a one then?

Felix

What for?

Walter

(looks in his box) Well I’ve got no bell either.

Felix

It’s not the only thing you haven’t got. (circles finger next to head) Goodbye Walter. (guides him off SL)

Justin Thyme enters (SR)

Justin

Hiya Felix!

Felix

Hiya Justin. Have you heard the news?

Justin

What news?

Felix

The King and Queen are throwing a fancy-dress ball for Princess Nightingale’s eighteenth birthday, and everyone’s invited.

Justin

Oh, no!

Felix

What’s wrong? I thought you liked a good do.

Justin

Yes, and so does mother. Remember the last time she went to a party?

Felix

(wryly) How could I forget? She thought a pyjama party meant you had to turn up in what you sleep in, and she only sleeps in her birthday suit.

Justin

It was so embarrassing.

Felix

Not half as embarrassing as some of her outfits. (looks about in alarm) She’s not with you, is she?

Justin

No, she’s seeing to her roots.

Felix

Don’t tell me she’s dying her hair again. Your mum changes colour more often than traffic lights.

Justin

Beetroots!

Felix

It’s true, I tell you!

Justin

No, she’s seeing to her beetroots. It’s the only crop we have left and we’re so short of money, she’s asked me to pawn her wedding ring.

Felix

Aren’t you going to the party then?

Justin

Wild horses couldn’t drag me there. Besides, the Princess won’t be interested in commoners like us?

Felix

(preening) Speak for yourself.

Justin

Well I’d better be going now. See ya later Felix. (exits SL)

Felix

(calling after him) Bye Justin! (to audience) I think I’d better go too before Dame Thyme turns up. She fancies me like mad and I’d have to be mad to fancy her. I wouldn’t say she was ugly, but she must have sucked an awful lot of lemons to look the way she does. And she’s always knitting me presents. So far she’s knitted me&nnbsp;three pairs of socks, none of which match. A scarf that’s longer than a football pitch. And a jumper that feels like I’m wearing a Brillo Pad. I suppose her heart’s in the right place. Unfortunately, it’s the only part of her that is.

Dame. T

(off) Justin!

Felix

Oh ‘eck! (starts tiptoeing off SL)

Dame Thyme enters (SR)

Dame. T

Where is that boy? I sent him to the village hours ago. (spots Felix) Oh, Feeelix!

Felix

(turns) Oh no, it’s the creature from the black lagoon.

Dame. T

Blackpool, actually. Well, Felix. You look like the cat that got the cream.

Felix

(grimaces) I think it’s just curdled.

Dame. T

(framing her face) How do you like my golden tan?

Felix

You never got a tan like that in Blackpool!

Dame. T

Oh, yes I did…well, from a branch of Boots in Blackpool anyway. (to audience) I love Blackpool, don’t you? Fish and chips, candy floss, bingo…and that was only on the coach going. I even went on the big one…you know…the ‘Coca-Cola’.

Felix

You mean, the ‘Pepsi Max’?

Dame. T

‘Coca-Cola Pepsi’ what’s the difference? (to audience) Have any of you lot been on it? (audience respond) And were you frightened? (audience respond) I wasn’t. It takes a lot to frighten me.

Felix

(aside to audience) She’s usually the one doing all the frightening.

Dame. T

I beg your pardon?

Felix

I said ‘did anyone get frightened’?

Dame. T

Well there was one young man sat sitting on his own, who looked rather nervous. And as I moved closer I could see him getting more and more frightened.

Felix

I don’t blame him.

Dame. T

So, I sat next to him and grabbed his hand tight and said. ‘calm down love, we haven’t even started yet’. But he just screamed ‘no and we’re not going to’ and jumped off. I suppose the thought of going all the way was just too much for him.

Felix

I completely sympathise with him.

Dame. T

Don’t you like scary rides then?

Felix

It all depends who’s sitting next to me.

Dame. T

You’d be all right with me holding your hand.

Felix

(to audience) Now that’s scary. (to Dame) I’ll just go and find Justin for you. (turns)

Dame. T

(grabs him) He’ll keep. (coos) So who are you taking to the royal ball, lover-boy?

Felix

(nervous laugh) You know about the ball?

Dame. T

Yes. You are going, aren’t you?

Felix

I don’t think I’ll bother. I’m still getting over that last pyjama party.

Dame. T

But that was years ago!

Felix

Was it? (to audience) I suppose the nightmares will stop eventually. (to Dame) I think I’ll just have a quiet night in, instead.

Dame. T

Good idea. You light the candles and I’ll bring a nice bottle of beetroot wine.

Felix

(grimaces) Beetroot wine?

Dame. T

Yes, I’ve got gallons of the stuff. Get that down you and it’ll put hairs on your chest. (runs her hand over his chest) Not that you need many more.

Felix

(pulls her hand away) Are you sure it’s safe to drink?

Dame. T

‘Course it is. Just make sure you keep it away from plastics, upholstery and polished surfaces.

Felix

On second thoughts, maybe we should go. After all, it is a royal invite. So, what will you be wearing then?

Dame. T

Well I was thinking of going dressed as a giant spoon.

Felix

(to audience) That’ll cause quite a stir.

Dame. T

And what about you?

Felix

I think I’ll go as the invisible man. (to audience) With a bit of luck she won’t see me.

Dame. T

What did you say?

Felix

I said ‘I hope the drinks are free’.

Dame. T

(excited) You’re going then?

Felix

Well they do say there’s safety in numbers.

Dame. T

That’s what you think. (tries grabbing him) Give us a kiss!

Felix

(fending her off) All right! Just stand still. Close your eyes and pucker up.

Dame stands with eyes closed and lips pursed. Felix starts tiptoeing off (SR)

Dame. T

What are you waiting for Felix? (impatient) Hurry up then! (opens her eyes and spots him exiting) Come back, you rotten tease! (runs after him) Music cue 3:

Sage enters (SL)

Sage

(turns and calls) Hurry up slowcoach!

Onion trudges on.

Onion

(wincing) Ooooh! My feet are killing me! (removes his shoes and rubs his feet)

Sage

Well put your shoes back on before they kill everybody else.

Onion

Why couldn’t we have caught the bus?

Sage

Because we don’t have any money. We got sacked from our jobs as sheep-shearers, after you fell asleep on the job.

Onion

Well it’s not easy staying awake when you’re counting sheep all day.

Sage

You fell asleep after the first one! We’ll have to find another job soon or we’ll starve.

Music cue 4: Zendora enters (SL)

Onion

(pointing to Zendora) Let’s ask her where the job centre is?

Sage

Leave it to me.  (to Zendora) Excuse me Mrs.

Zendora

(snaps) Ms! (Mizzz!)

Onion

(looks around) There’s a bee in here somewhere.

Sage

Do you know where the job centre is? Only we’re looking for work.

Zendora

(scheming) Then this could be your lucky day. It just so happens I’m looking for two vill…I mean…willing helpers.

Sage

(nudges Onion) We’re in here.

Onion

(uneasy) I’m not so sure. There’s something strange about her.

Sage

Look who’s talking. (to Zendora) Sage and Onion are at your service, madam.

Zendora

Excellent. You won’t regret it, gentlemen.

Onion

(to Zendora) So what’s the pay like?

Zendora

If you are up to the task, you could become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Onion

(sidles up against her) I must warn you, I have some pretty wild dreams.

Sage

(drags Onion away) We’re your men, Mrs.

Zendora

(snaps) Ms! (Mizzz!)

Onion

(looks around again) There’s that bee again.