Sleeping Beauty Version 1

SCENE ONE

THE VILLAGE SQUARE

Music cue 1: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]

Enter Justin [SR]

JUSTIN: Hello boys and girls! My name’s Justin Thyme, and I live here in the beautiful Kingdom of Slumberland, which was once terrorised by a nasty fire-breathing dragon. The King offered a huge reward to anybody who could slay it. The Pied Piper tried and became the Fried Piper, and bloke called Rab ended up as a kebab. But then a knight from Camelot took a gamble and speared the dragon, made it rollover, and claimed the jackpot.

Enter Town Crier [SR] and unwinds a scroll.

CRIER: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Their royal majesties King Rolo and Queen Bounty, hereby invite all citizens of Slumberland to a fancy-dress ball tomorrow night at the palace, to celebrate the eighteenth birthday of Princess Nightingale! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! [rolls up scroll and exits SR]

JUSTIN: Gosh! I’ve always dreamt of meeting the Princess, and now I’ll get the chance.

Enter Walter [SL] carrying a cardboard box.

JUSTIN: Eh-up! It’s Walter the village idiot! He never goes anywhere without his cardboard box, and we all play a little game called, what’s in the box Walter? You can play along too if you like. Whenever Walter comes on, somebody will lead you in shouting, what’s in the box Walter? In fact, let’s give it a go right now. [leads audience] What’s in the box Walter?

WALTER: It’s full of ‘air.

JUSTIN: You mean it’s empty?

WALTER: No, it’s full of ‘air.

JUSTIN: If it’s full of air Walter, then it’s empty. A bit like your head.

WALTER: It’s not empty, it’s full of ‘air. [opens box and takes out a wig] See?

JUSTIN: Oh, hair!

WALTER: That’s what I said.

JUSTIN: Yes, but you dropped the H, Walter.

WALTER: Did I? [looking around the floor] Would you mind helping me look for it?

JUSTIN: Never mind, Walter. Have you heard about the royal ball to celebrate Princess Nightingale’s eighteenth birthday?

WALTER: Is a ball like a big party?

JUSTIN: Yes, and it’ll be even bigger than the one they threw for Isaac Newton, when he won the Nobel prize.

WALTER: Isaac Newton won a prize for not having a bell?

JUSTIN: No, Walter. It’s the Alfred Nobel prize.

WALTER: So, Alfred won one too, did he?

JUSTIN: I can’t take any more of this. [guiding him off SR] Goodbye Walter.

Enter Felix [SL]

FELIX: Hello Justin.

JUSTIN: Hiya Felix! Have you heard the news?

FELIX: What news?

JUSTIN: The palace are throwing a fancy-dress ball for Princess Nightingale’s eighteenth birthday, and everybody’s invited.

FELIX: Will your mother be going?

JUSTIN: I expect so, she likes a good do.

FELIX: Then you can definitely count me out Justin.

JUSTIN: How come?

FELIX: I’m still having nightmares from that pyjama party we went to. She thought you had to turn up in what you sleep in, and she only sleeps in her birthday suit. It was so, embarrassing!

JUSTIN: How do you think I felt!? Do you have any idea how expensive therapy is?

FELIX: [nervous] She’s not with you, is she?

JUSTIN: Relax Felix, she’s busy picking our last crop of beetroot.

FELIX: How’s the farming business these days?

JUSTIN: Terrible. We’re that skint, mum’s asked me to pawn her wedding ring.

FELIX: But doesn’t it hold sentimental value for her?

JUSTIN: Mum’s not the sentimental type.

FELIX: She sends me mental every time we meet.

JUSTIN: Anyway, I’d better be off Felix. Bye! [exits SL]

FELIX: Bye, Justin! [to audience] I’d better leave before Dame Thyme turns up. She fancies me like mad and I’d have to be mad, to fancy her. I wouldn’t say she was ugly, but she must’ve sucked an awful lot of lemons to look how she does.

TITANIA: [shouts off] Justin! Justin!

FELIX: Oh ‘eck, that sounds like her now! I’m off! [begins tiptoeing off SL]

Enter Dame Thyme [SR]

TITANIA: Felix!

FELIX: [turns] It’s the creature from the black lagoon!

TITANIA: Blackpool actually. I’ve just been there on a weekend break.

FELIX: I’m surprised you can afford a weekend break.

TITANIA: It was all paid for by the BBC.

FELIX: They’d better not put the license fee up again.

TITANIA: Not that BBC! The British Beetroot Consortium. They hold their annual trade fair in Blackpool and all beetroot growers are invited to show off their wares.

FELIX: I never realised that beetroot was such big business.

TITANIA: It is for some, but I only have a smallholding. [hoists bosom]

FELIX: It looks big enough from where I’m standing, Dame Thyme.

TITANIA: Call me Titania. All of my most intimate friends do.

FELIX: I’ve always wondered why your parents gave you such an unusual name.

TITANIA: It’s because they wanted a name that couldn’t be shortened.

FELIX: [to audience] I’m saying nothing.

TITANIA: I went to the Pleasure Beach and had a go on that big rollercoaster.

FELIX: Weren’t you frightened?

TITANIA: No, it takes a lot to frighten me.

FELIX: I suppose if looking in the mirror doesn’t do it, then nothing will.

TITANIA: It’s a good job I know you’re only joking.

FELIX: Who’s joking!?

TITANIA: I spotted a young man on the ride, sitting on his own and looking very nervous.

FELIX: Maybe he thought you were about to sit next to him.

TITANIA: I did. I grabbed his hand and said, calm down love, we haven’t even started yet. But he just screamed and jumped off.

FELIX: I don’t blame him.

TITANIA: Don’t you like scary rides, then?

FELIX: It all depends on who’s sitting next to me.

TITANIA: You’d be all right with me holding your hand.

FELIX: Now that’s what I call scary.

TITANIA: Do you fancy taking me to the royal ball, Felix?

FELIX: Not, in a million years.

TITANIA: You probably think I’m out of your league. But if you dig beneath the surface, you’ll discover the real me.

JUSTIN: Sorry, but I’m not an archaeologist.