Sleeping Beauty Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Square

Music cue 1: Villagers After song ends…Villagers move upstage in groups.

Enter Justin (SR)

Justin (to audience) Hiya boys and girls! My name is Justin Thyme, as in the herb. And I live here in the Kingdom of Ambrosia. It’s a nice little place. No dear, I said nice, not rice. Many years ago, the kingdom was terrorised by a nasty fire-breathing dragon, and the King offered a huge reward to anybody who could slay it. The Pied Piper tried and became the Fried Piper. A knight called Rab ended up a kebab. Then a knight from Camelot speared the dragon, made it rollover and claimed the jackpot. And now there’s nothing to be frightened of. Well, all except for my mum when she’s on the warpath.

Music cue 2: Enter Town Crier (SR) and unwinds a scroll.

Town Crier Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Their royal majesties hereby invite all citizens of Ambrosia to a fancy-dress ball, tomorrow night at the palace. To celebrate the eighteenth birthday of Princess Nightingale! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! (rolls up scroll and exits SR)

Exit Villagers excitedly (SR)

Enter Walter (SL) carrying a cardboard box.

Justin (to audience) Eh-up, it’s Walter the village idiot. He’s harmless enough, but he never goes anywhere without that box of his. In fact, we all play a little game around here called, what’s in the box Walter? You can all play along too if you like. Whenever anybody says, what’s in the box Walter? You all join in with the question. Let’s have a go, shall we? After three…three! (leads audience) What’s in the box Walter?

Walter Air.

Justin You mean, it’s empty?

Walter No, it’s full of ‘air.

Justin Listen Walter. If it’s full of air, then it’s empty. A bit like your head.

Walter It’s not empty, it’s full of ‘air. (opens the box and takes out a wig) See?

Justin Oh, you mean hair!

Walter That’s what I just said.

Justin Yes, but you dropped the letter H, Walter.

Walter Did I? (looking around the floor) Would you mind helping me look for it?

Justin Never mind, Walter. Have you heard about the royal ball?

Walter No. Have they lost it or something?

Justin You can’t lose a royal ball, Walter.

Walter You can if you kick it over the next-door neighbour’s fence.

Justin I’m don’t mean a ball you play with, Walter. I’m talking about the royal ball to celebrate Princess Nightingale’s birthday.

Walter You mean like a big party?

Justin Exactly. And it’s going to be even bigger than the one they threw for Professor Newton, when he won the Nobel prize.

Walter (puzzled) He won a prize for not having a bell?

Justin No, Walter. It’s the Alfred Nobel prize.

Walter Alfred won one too, did he?

Justin (to audience) I can’t take any more of this. (guiding him off SL) Goodbye Walter.

Enter Felix (SL)

Felix Hello Justin.

Justin Hiya Felix! Have you heard the news?

Felix What news?

Justin The King and Queen are throwing a fancy-dress ball for Princess Nightingale’s eighteenth birthday, and everyone’s invited.

Felix Oh, no!

Justin What’s the matter? I thought you liked a good do.

Felix Yes, and so does your mother. Remember the time she went to that pyjama party?

Justin How could I forget? She thought it meant you had to turn up in what you sleep in, and she only sleeps in her birthday suit. It was so, embarrassing.

Felix Almost as embarrassing as the outfits she wears. (alert) She’s not with you, is she?

Justin No, she’s picking our last crop of beetroot.

Felix How’s the beetroot farming business these days?

Justin Terrible. We’re that skint, mum’s even asked me to pawn her wedding ring. Which reminds me, I’d better get to the pawnbrokers before they shut. Bye, Felix. (exits SL)

Felix Bye, Justin! (to audience) I’d better leave before Dame Thyme turns up. She fancies me like mad and I’d have to be mad, to fancy her. I wouldn’t say she was ugly, but she must’ve sucked an awful lot of lemons to look the way she does.

Dame. T (shouts off) Justin!

Felix Oh ‘eck, that sounds like her! I’m off. (begins tiptoeing off SL)

Enter Dame Thyme (SR)

Dame. T (spots him) Felix!

Felix (turns) Oh, no. It’s the creature from the black lagoon.

Dame. T Blackpool actually. I’ve just been there on a weekend break.

Felix I’m surprised you can afford a weekend break.

Dame. T It was all paid for by the British Beetroot Consortium. They hold their annual trade fair in Blackpool and all the beetroot growers are invited.

Felix I didn’t realise beetroot was such big business.

Dame. T It is if you have a big farm. But I only have a smallholding.

Felix (looking her over) It looks big enough from where I’m standing.

Dame. T Do you like my tan, Felix?

Felix You never got a tan like that in Blackpool.

Dame. T Oh yes, I did. Well, from a branch of Boots in Blackpool anyway. I went to the Pleasure Beach and had a ride on that big rollercoaster.

Felix Were you frightened?

Dame. T Not on your Nellie. It takes a lot to frighten me.

Felix (aside to audience) That’s because she’s usually the one doing all the frightening.

Dame. T But I saw this young man sitting on his own, looking rather nervous.

Felix Maybe he thought you were about to sit next to him.

Dame. T I did sit next to him. I grabbed his hand and said. Calm down love, we haven’t even started yet. But he just screamed and jumped off before the ride started.

Felix I don’t blame him.

Dame. T Don’t you like scary rides then, Felix?

Felix It depends who’s sitting next to me.

Dame. T You’d be all right with me holding your hand.

Felix (to audience) Now that is scary.

Dame. T So, who are you taking to the royal ball Felix?

Felix You know about the royal ball?

Dame. T The whole kingdom knows about it. You are going, aren’t you?

Felix No, I don’t think I’ll bother Dame Thyme. I think I’ll just have a quiet night in, instead.

Dame. T What a good idea. You supply the candles and I’ll bring a nice bottle of beetroot wine.

Felix (grimaces) Beetroot wine!?

Felix On second thoughts, maybe we should go to the ball. (aside to audience) They do say there’s safety in numbers. (to Dame) What will you be wearing then?

Dame. T I’m thinking of going dressed as a giant spoon.

Felix That should cause a big stir.

Dame. T And what about you?

Felix I think I’ll go as the invisible man. (to audience) With a bit of luck she won’t see me. (to Dame) I’ll see you there then. (turns to go)

Dame. T (pulls him back) Give us a kiss before you go, lover-boy.

Felix All right, then. Close your eyes and pucker up. (she does so, and he turns and begins to tiptoe off SR)

Dame. T What are you waiting for, Felix? Hurry up before I go off the boil! (opens her eyes and spots him exiting) Come back, you rotten tease! (runs after him) Music cue 3:

Enter Sage (SL)

Sage (turns and calls behind) Get a move on, slowcoach!

Enter Onion trudging on (SL)

Onion I need a rest. My feet are killing me! (sits, removes shoes and rubs his feet) Ooooh!

Sage Well, put your shoes back on before they kill the rest of us!

Onion (puts shoes back on and stands) Why couldn’t we have caught the bus?

Sage Because we’re skint after losing our job as sheepshearers for falling asleep on the job.

Onion It’s not easy staying awake when you’re counting sheep all day.

Sage Tell me about it. We’ll have to find another job quick, or we’ll starve.

Music cue 4: Enter Zendora (SL)

Onion Let’s ask her where the job centre is?

Sage Okay. (to Zendora) Excuse us Mrs.

Zendora (snaps) It’s Ms! (pronounce Mzzz)

Onion (looks around) There’s a bee in here somewhere.

Sage Do you know where the job centre is? Only we’re looking for work.

Zendora Then this is your lucky day. It just so happens, that I’m looking for two willing helpers.

Sage (nudging) We’re in here, Onion.

Onion (uneasy) I’m not sure about this, Sage. There’s something very strange about her.

Sage Look who’s talking. (to Zendora) Sage and Onion are at your service, madam.

Zendora Excellent!

Onion What’s the pay like?

Zendora If you’re both up to the task, you could become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Onion (sidles up to her) I must warn you. I have some pretty wild dreams.

Sage (drags Onion away) We’re your men, Mrs.

Zendora (snaps) Mzzz!

Onion (looks around) There’s that bee again.

Sage What job do you want helping with then?Zendora I want you to carry out something for me.

Sage No problem. Where do you want us to carry it?

Zendora I don’t want you to carry it anywhere.

Onion (to Sage) I said she was weird, didn’t I?

Zendora It’s a plan, you fools!

Onion It must be a big one if you need help carrying it.

Zendora Don’t you know what a plan is?

Onion ‘Course I do. (rubs his tum) I like cheese and tomato myself.

Zendora I said plan not flan!

Sage (to Onion) How did I ever get lumbered with you?

Onion Maybe it’s because we’ve got the same mum?

Sage Yes, and that’s the only reason I put up with you.

Onion If our mum could see the way you treat me, she’d turn in her grave.

Sage What are you talking about? Mum’s not dead!

Onion Isn’t she?

Sage No! She’s alive and well and working in Iceland!

Onion I didn’t know she’d emigrated.

Sage She works in frozen foods, you idiot!

Onion I imagine everything’s frozen over there.

Sage Twit! If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your own nose!

Onion That’s not funny. (laughs to audience) Snot funny. Get it?

Zendora Allow me to explain my plan.

All huddle and whisper – then separate.

Sage That’s a cunning wicked and evil plan.

Zendora Yes, I know. But you won’t get paid extra for flattery.

Sage You can rely on us Mrs.

Zendora (furious) Mzzzzz!

Onion (looking around) Is that bee still here?

Sage There is no bee, you fool!

Enter a Child dressed as a Bee (USR) behind them. It runs across stage and exits (USL) but only Onion spots it.

Onion (leads audience) Oh yes, there is!

Zen & Sage Oh no, there isn’t!

Onion (to audience) If that Bee appears again, will you all make a loud buzzing noise like this? Bzzzzzz! (response) Great.

Enter Bee (USL) It stands behind them and audience respond.

Onion (to audience) Is the giant bee behind us right now? (response)

Zen & Sage (to audience) Oh no, it isn’t!

Onion (encourage audience) Oh yes, it is!

Sage I’ll prove there is no bee behind us. On the count of three we’ll all turn. 1…2…3!

As the count starts, exit Bee (USL)

All turn around.

Zendora You see? There is no giant bee behind us.

Enter Bee (USL) It stands behind them and audience respond.

Onion Is the giant bee behind us again, boys and girls?

Zen & Sage Oh no, it isn’t!

Onion (leads audience) Oh yes, it is!

Sage I’m not bothered if it is, because bees are quite nice really. (to audience) Aren’t they?

Bee nods its head.

Onion Yes, and they make lovely sweet honey.

Bee nods its head and rubs its tummy.

Zendora I hate bees! They’re nasty stingy things. And for some strange reason, my magic doesn’t work on them. If I had my way, they’d all be exterminated!

Bee stands with hands on hips and angrily taps Zendora on the back.

Zendora (turns) Aaaah! It’s a horrible giant Bee!

The Bee jumps about angrily and turns its stinger towards Zendora.

Zendora No! Keep it away from me!

The Bee backs towards her.

Zendora Aaaah! Help! (runs off SL chased by the Bee)

Onion That soon made her buzz off.

Sage I’m sure she’ll be back. And if we manage to pull this job off, we could end up rich.

Onion What would you do if you were rich?

Sage Let me tell you. Music cue 5: Sage. After song ends…What would you do if you had lots of money?

Onion I’d put it all in a big oxo tin and hide it underneath my bed.

Sage Why would you do that?

Onion Because that’s what mum always did with her money.

Sage Only to stop the landlord getting his hands on it.

Onion It wasn’t the only thing he tried getting his hands on.

Sage That’s true.

Onion Maybe that’s why mum emigrated to Iceland.

Sage She hasn’t emigrated to Iceland, but maybe you should.

Onion Why?

Sage To prevent me from throttling you! (goes to grab him)

Onion Ohwerr! (runs off around stage)

Sage Come back here, you moron! (chases Onion around stage)

Music cue 6: Exit both (SL)

Music cue 7: Enter Fairy (SR)

Fairy. S The royal party grows ever near,

A time Zendora would fill with fear.

Princess Nightingale must beware,

But I’ll be around to lend a care. (exits SR)