Sleeping Beauty Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Square

Music cue 1: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SR)

Enter Justin (SR)

JUSTIN: Hello boys and girls! My name’s Justin Thyme, as in the herb. And I live here in the beautiful Kingdom of Slumberland. The kingdom was once terrorised by a nasty fire-breathing dragon, and the King offered a huge reward to anybody who could slay it. The Pied Piper tried and became the Fried Piper. A knight called Rab ended up as a kebab. Then a knight from Camelot took a gamble and speared the dragon, made it rollover and claimed the jackpot.

Enter Town Crier (SR) and unwinds a scroll.

CRIER: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Their royal majesties King Rolo and Queen Bounty, hereby invite all citizens of Slumberland to a fancy-dress ball tomorrow night at the palace, to celebrate the eighteenth birthday of Princess Nightingale! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! (rolls up scroll and exits SR)

Enter Walter (SL) carrying a cardboard box.

JUSTIN: Eh-up! It’s Walter the village idiot. He’s harmless enough, but he never goes anywhere without that cardboard box of his. In fact, we all play a little game around here called, what’s in the box Walter? You can play along too if you like. Whenever Walter comes on with his box, somebody will lead you all to shout, what’s in the box Walter? In fact, you can do it right now. Let’s give it a go then. (leads audience) What’s in the box Walter?

WALTER: Air.

JUSTIN: You mean, it’s empty?

WALTER: No, it’s full of ‘air.

JUSTIN: Listen Walter. If it’s full of air, then it’s empty. A bit like your head.

WALTER: It’s not empty, it’s full of ‘air. (opens box and takes out a wig) See?

JUSTIN: Oh, you mean hair!

WALTER: That’s what I just said.

JUSTIN: Yes, but you dropped the letter H, Walter.

WALTER: Did I? (looking around the floor) Would you mind helping me look for it?

JUSTIN: Never mind, Walter. Have you heard about the royal ball?

WALTER: Don’t say they’ve lost it again.

JUSTIN: You can’t lose a royal ball, Walter.

WALTER: You can if you kick it over the next-door neighbour’s fence.

JUSTIN: I don’t mean that sort of ball, Walter. I’m talking about the royal ball to celebrate Princess Nightingale’s eighteenth birthday.

WALTER: Is a ball like a big party?

JUSTIN: That’s right, and it will be even bigger than the one they threw for Professor Newton, when he won the Nobel prize.

WALTER: Professor Newton won a prize for not having a bell?

JUSTIN: No, Walter. It’s the Alfred Nobel prize.

WALTER: Alfred won one too, did he?

JUSTIN: I can’t take any more of this. (guiding him off SR) Goodbye Walter.

Enter Felix (SL)

FELIX: Hello Justin.

JUSTIN: Hiya Felix! Have you heard the news?

FELIX: What news?

JUSTIN: The King and Queen are throwing a fancy-dress ball for Princess Nightingale’s eighteenth birthday, and everybody is invited.

FELIX: Will your mother be going?

JUSTIN: I expect so. She loves a good do.

FELIX: Then you can definitely count me out.

JUSTIN: How come?

FELIX: I’m still having nightmares from the time she went to that pyjama party. She thought it meant you had to turn up in what you sleep in, and she only sleeps in her birthday suit.

JUSTIN: I’ll never forget it Felix. It was sooo, embarrassing.

FELIX: (looking about) She’s not with you, is she?

JUSTIN: Relax Felix. She’s busy picking our last crop of beetroot.

FELIX: How is the beetroot business these days?

JUSTIN: It’s terrible. We’re that skint, mum has asked me to pawn her wedding ring. As a matter of fact, I’m just on my way to the pawnbrokers right now.

FELIX: I’ve always wondered – why do pawnbrokers signs have three brass balls?

JUSTIN: I don’t know, but the one in town doesn’t have them anymore.

FELIX: How come?

JUSTIN: They dropped off in that really cold snap in February.

FELIX: Very funny Justin.

JUSTIN: The audience didn’t think so. Anyway, I’d better be off. Bye, Felix. (exits SL)

FELIX: Bye, Justin! (to audience) I’d better leave before Dame Thyme turns up. She fancies me like mad and I’d have to be mad, to fancy her. I wouldn’t say she was ugly, but she must’ve sucked an awful lot of lemons to look like she does.

DAME: (shouts off) Justin! Justin!

FELIX: Oh ‘eck, that sounds like her! I’m off. (begins tiptoeing off SL)

Enter Dame Thyme (SR)

DAME: (spots him) Felix!

FELIX: (turns) It’s the creature from the black lagoon!

DAME: Blackpool actually. I’ve just been there on a weekend break.

FELIX: I’m surprised you can afford a weekend break.

DAME: It was all paid for by the BBC.

FELIX: They’d better not put up the licence fee again.

DAME: Not that BBC! The British Beetroot Consortium. They hold their annual trade fair in Blackpool and all beetroot growers are invited to show off their wares.

FELIX: I never realised that beetroot was such big business.

DAME: It is for some. But I only have a smallholding.

FELIX: (looking her over) It looks big enough from where I’m standing.

DAME: Do you like my tan, Felix?

FELIX: You never got a tan like that in Blackpool.

DAME: Oh yes, I did. Well, from a branch of Boots in Blackpool anyway. I also went to the Pleasure Beach and had a ride on that huge rollercoaster.

FELIX: Weren’t you frightened?

DAME: No way – it takes a lot to frighten me. And does anything frighten you, Felix?

FELIX: There’s only one thing that frightens me, Dame Thyme.

DAME: And what’s that?

FELIX: Every time I meet you.

DAME: (laughs) It’s a good job I know you’re only joking.

FELIX: Who’s joking!?

DAME: But I did spot a young man sitting on his own who looked a bit nervous.

FELIX: Maybe he thought you were about to sit next to him.

DAME: And so I did. I grabbed his hand and said. Calm down love, we haven’t even started yet. But he just screamed and jumped off without going the whole way.

FELIX: I don’t blame him.

DAME: Don’t you like scary rides, then?

FELIX: It depends on who’s sitting next to me.

DAME: You’d be all right with me holding your hand.

FELIX: Now that’s what I call scary.

DAME: So, who are you taking to the royal ball Felix?

FELIX: I don’t think I’ll bother going. I’ll just have a quiet night in, instead.

DAME: Good idea. You light the candles and I’ll open a nice bottle of beetroot wine.

FELIX: (grimaces) Beetroot wine!?

DAME: Yes, I’ve got gallons of the stuff. Get that down you and it’ll put hairs on your chest. (runs a hand over his chest) Not that you need any more mind.

FELIX: On second thoughts, maybe we should go to the ball after all. (aside to audience) Well, they do say there’s safety in numbers. (to Dame) So, what will you be wearing then?

DAME: I was thinking of going dressed as a giant spoon.

FELIX: That ought to cause quite a stir.

DAME: And what about you Felix?

FELIX: I think I’ll go as the invisible man. (to audience) With any luck she won’t see me. (to Dame) I’ll see you there then. (turns to go)

DAME: (pulls him back) Give us a kiss before you go, lover-boy.

FELIX: Okay then, close your eyes and pucker up. (she does and he tiptoes off SR)

DAME: What are you waiting for, Felix? Hurry up before I go off the boil! (opens eyes and sees him exiting) Come back here, you rotten tease! (exits after him)

Enter Sage (SL)

SAGE: (turns and calls behind) Get a move on, slowcoach!

Enter Onion trudging on (SL)

ONION: I need a rest. My feet are killing me! (removes shoes and rubs his feet)

SAGE: Well, put your shoes back on before they kill the rest of us.

ONION: Why couldn’t we have caught the bus?

SAGE: Because we’re skint after losing our job as sheepshearers.

ONION: I didn’t think it was very fair sacking us when it wasn’t our fault.

SAGE: What are you talking about? We fell asleep on the job!

ONION: Well, it isn’t easy staying awake when you’re counting sheep all day, is it?

SAGE: You’re not wrong there. We’d better find another job quick, or we’ll starve.

Music cue 2: Enter Zendora (SL)

ONION: Let’s ask her where the job centre is?

SAGE: (to Zendora) Excuse us Mrs.

ZENDORA: (snaps) It’s Ms! (pronounce Mzzz)

ONION: (looks around) There’s a bee in here somewhere.

SAGE: Do you know where the job centre is? Only we’re looking for work.

ZENDORA: It just so happens that I’m looking for two willing helpers.

SAGE: (nudging) We’re in here, Onion.

ONION: I’m not sure about that, Sage. There’s something strange about her.

SAGE: Look who’s talking. (to Zendora) Sage and Onion at your service, madam.

ZENDORA: Excellent!

ONION: What’s the pay like?

ZENDORA: If you’re up to the task, you could become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

ONION: (sidles up to her) I must warn you I have some pretty wild dreams.

SAGE: (drags Onion away) We’re your men, Mrs.

ZENDORA: (snaps) Mzzz!

ONION: (looks around) There’s that bee again.

SAGE: What job do you want helping with?

ZENDORA: I want you to carry something out for me.

SAGE: No problem. Where do you want us to carry it?

ZENDORA: I don’t want you to carry it anywhere.

ONION: (to Sage) I told you she was weird, didn’t I?

ZENDORA: It’s a plan, you fool!

ONION: It must be a big one if you need help carrying it. My fave is cheese and tomato.

ZENDORA: I said plan not flan!

SAGE: (to Onion) How did I ever get lumbered with you?

ONION: Maybe it’s because we’ve got the same mum?

SAGE: Yes, and that’s the only reason I put up with you.

ONION: If mum could see the way you treat me now, she’d turn in her grave.

SAGE: What are you talking about? Mum’s not dead!

ONION: Isn’t she?

SAGE: No! She’s alive and well and working in Iceland!

ONION: I didn’t even know she’d emigrated.

SAGE: She works in frozen foods, you idiot!

ONION: I imagine everything’s frozen over there.

SAGE: If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your own nose!

ONION: That’s not funny. (laughs to audience) Snot funny. Get it?

ZENDORA: Allow me to explain my plan. (brings them into a huddle and whispers)

SAGE: That’s a cunning, wicked and evil plan.

ZENDORA: Yes, I know. But you don’t get paid extra for flattery.

SAGE: You can rely on us Mrs.

ZENDORA: (furious) Mzzzzz!

ONION: (looking around) Is that bee still here?

SAGE: There is no bee, you fool!

Enter Giant Bee (USR) crosses stage and exits (USL) Onion spots it.

ONION: (leads audience) Oh yes, there is!

ZEN & SAGE: Oh no, there isn’t!

ONION: (to audience) If that Bee appears again, will you all make a loud buzzing noise and warn us? Thanks!

Enter Bee (USL) It stands behind them and audience respond.

ONION: Is the giant bee behind us right now?

ZEN & SAGE: Oh no, it isn’t!

ONION: (leads audience) Oh yes, it is!

SAGE: I’ll prove there’s no bee behind us. On the count of three we’ll all turn. 1…2…3!

As the count starts, exit Bee (USL) all turn.

ZENDORA: You see? There’s no giant bee behind us.

Enter Bee (USL) It stands behind them and audience respond.

ONION: Is the giant bee behind us again, boys and girls?

ZEN & SAGE: Oh no, it isn’t!

ONION: Oh yes, it is!

SAGE: I’m not bothered if it is, because bees are quite friendly really.

Bee nods.

ONION: And they make lovely, sweet honey.

Bee nods and rubs its tummy.

ZENDORA: I hate bees! They’re nasty stingy things. And for some strange reason, my magic doesn’t seem to work on them. If I had my way, they’d all be exterminated! (Bee angrily taps Zendora and she turns) Aaaah! A giant Bee! (Bee turns its stinger towards her) No! Keep it away from me! (Bee backs towards her) Aaaah! Help! (exits at a run SL followed by the Bee)

ONION: That soon made her buzz off.

SAGE: She’ll be back. And if we manage to pull this job off, we could end up rich.

ONION: What would you do if you were rich?

SAGE: I’d live it up large. What would you do if you had lots of money?

ONION: I’d put it all in a big oxo tin and hide it under my bed.

SAGE: What for?

ONION: Because that’s what mum always did with her money.

SAGE: Only to stop the landlord getting his hands on it.

ONION: It wasn’t the only thing he tried getting his hands on.

SAGE: That’s true.

ONION: Maybe that’s why mum emigrated to Iceland.

SAGE: She hasn’t emigrated to Iceland, but maybe you should.

ONION: Why’s that then?

SAGE: To stop me from throttling you! (goes to grab him)

ONION: Ohwerr! (runs off around stage)

SAGE: Come back here you numpty! (chases Onion around stage)

Music cue 3: Exit Sage and Onion (SL)

Music cue 4: Enter Fairy (SR)

FAIRY: The royal party grows ever near,A time Zendora would fill with fear.Princess Nightingale must beware,For evil doesn’t have a care. (exits SR)