SCENE ONE
SCROOGE’S WORKSHOP
Music cue 1: Bob Cratchit and Workers. After song ends…All move upstage and start stacking boxes, and chatting etc. [SL]
Music cue 2: Enter Jan Butty [SR] pushing on a tea-trolley with a teapot, cups and saucers, plates of sandwiches and a small, gift-wrapped box. She moves to centre stage
JAN BUTTY: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Jan Butty, the canteen lady here at Scrooge and Marley’s Moneylenders. Although it’s just old Scrooge now, because Marley died seven years ago. Old Scrooge has just added a side-line to the business, selling stuff confiscated by bailiffs from people who can’t pay back their loans, and it’s all processed here. I wouldn’t say it’s depressing working here, but even the mice have started throwing themselves on the traps. [shouts] Tea’s up! Come and get it while it’s still hot!
Workers move to her [SL]
CRATCHIT: I’m gagging for a good strong cuppa.
WORKER 1: Then you’re wasting your time drinking Jan’s.
WORKER 2: It’s weaker than gnat’s water.
JAN BUTTY: Blame old Scrooge. He only allows me one teabag per week, and I have to keep drying it out and re-using it.
WORKER 3: You’d think he’d make an exception for Christmas.
JAN BUTTY: There’s more chance of…[local team]…winning the Champions League.
CRATCHIT: I sometimes think Mr Scrooge hates Christmas.
WORKER 4: [scans trolley] Have you got any milk, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: No, I have a milk phobia. The last time I tried drinking it, I almost died.
WORKER 5: What happened, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: The cow sat on me.
WORKER 1: What sort of sandwiches have you got, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: What sort would you like?
WORKER 1: The sort that’s made of bread.
JAN BUTTY: I meant, what sort of filling?
WORKER 2: I’d like a bacon sarnie, please, Jan.
JAN BUTTY: Sorry, bacon’s off.
WORKER 2: How come?
JAN BUTTY: The butcher backed into his bacon slicer and got a little behind with the order. Have a ham sandwich instead.
WORKER 2: Thanks. [bites sandwich] Owah! There’s something hard in this sandwich. [takes out a set of false teeth] False teeth!
JAN BUTTY: I wondered where my best set had got to.
WORKER 2: That’s the first time my food’s ever bitten back!
WORKER 3: I’d like a cheese sandwich, please, Jan.
JAN BUTTY: What kind of cheese would you like?
WORKER 3: Gorgonzola.
JAN BUTTY: [hands over a sandwich] Here you are.
WORKER 3: Thanks, Jan. [opens sandwich and takes out an old sock] What’s this?
JAN BUTTY: It’s one of Scrooge’s old socks; I must’ve forgotten to take it out.
CRATCHIT: Why did you put a smelly old sock in a cheese sandwich, Jan!?
JAN BUTTY: Well, how else do you think they make Gorgonzola?
WORKER 3: I can’t eat this, Jan, it’s disgusting!
JAN BUTTY: [hands them another sandwich] Have a peanut butter sarnie instead.
WORKER 4: You remind me of peanut butter, Jan.
JAN BUTTY: Is that because I’m smooth and tasty?
WORKER 4: No, it’s because you’re thick and nutty. [laughs]
JAN BUTTY: I’ll crack your thick nut in a minute!
WORKER 5: We work hard, Jan, and we’re entitled to a decent cuppa and edible food.
JAN BUTTY: Then I suggest you take it up with your union rep.
CRATCHIT: I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jan.
JAN BUTTY: Why not?
CRATCHIT: Every time we elect a union rep, Mr Scrooge immediately sacks them.
JAN BUTTY: And who is your current union rep?
WORKERS: Bob Cratchit!
CRATCHIT: Sssshh! Not so loud, Mr Scrooge might hear you.
JAN BUTTY: Whatever happened to power to the workers, Bob?
CRATCHIT: I can’t afford to get sacked, Jan. I’m still paying Mr Scrooge back for a loan he let me have to buy a second-hand crutch for Tiny Tim.
JAN BUTTY: The miserable, swine. You know he even threatened to evict me last week.
CRATCHIT: Be fair, Jan, you did try paying your rent with gold chocolate coins.
WORKER 1: How come you paid old Scrooge in gold chocolate coins, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: I hoped he wouldn’t notice them amongst all the real gold ones on his desk.
CRATCHIT: Who’s the present for, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: It’s a secret, Bob, and I’m just looking for somewhere safe to leave it to stop anybody peeking at it. And I know just the place. [places it front of curtains DSL] There, now you lot can keep an eye on it for me.
CRATCHIT: Sorry, Jan, we’re going to be too busy packing stuff. Why don’t you ask the boys and girls to watch it for you instead?
JAN BUTTY: What a good idea! Boys and girls, will you mind this prezzie and warn me if anybody goes near it? Thanks. Now, what shall I get you to shout out?
CRATCHIT: How about something Christmassy.
JAN BUTTY: Like what?
CRATCHIT: Baubles!
JAN BUTTY: That sounds a bit rude.
CRATCHIT: Snowballs!
JAN BUTTY: That still sounds a bit rude.
CRATCHIT: Crackers!
JAN BUTTY: I am not!
CRATCHIT: I meant ‘crackers’, as in Christmas crackers, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: Perfect! Just shout ‘crackers’, boys and girls, and I’ll come running, okay?
CRATCHIT: Let’s have a practice, Jan. You go off, and I’ll pretend I’m about to nick it.
