SCENE ONE
SCROOGE’S SWEET FACTORY
Music cue 1: Bob Cratchit and Workers. After song ends…Music cue 2:
Enter Jan Butty [SR] pushing on a tea-trolley with a large teapot, cups and saucers, plates of sandwiches and a gift-wrapped present.
JAN BUTTY: Tea’s up! Come and get it while it’s still hot!
WORKER 1: I’m gagging for a nice strong cuppa.
WORKER 2: Then you’re wasting your time drinking Jan’s. It’s weaker than gnat’s water.
JAN BUTTY: Blame old Scrooge. He only allows me one teabag per week, and I have to keep drying it out and re-using it.
WORKER 3: You’d think old Scrooge would make an exception for Christmas.
JAN BUTTY: There’s more chance of a politician telling the truth than that happening.
CRATCHIT: I sometimes think Mr Scrooge hates Christmas.
WORKER 4: [searches trolley] Don’t you have any milk, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: No, I have a phobia about milk. The last time I tried drinking it I almost died.
CRATCHIT: Why, what happened?
JAN BUTTY: The cow sat on me.
WORKER 5: What sort of sandwiches have you got, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: What sort would you like?
WORKER 5: The sort that’s made of bread.
JAN BUTTY: Very funny.
WORKER 6: Any chance of a bacon sarnie?
JAN BUTTY: Sorry, bacon’s off.
CRATCHIT: How come?
JAN BUTTY: The butcher backed into his bacon slicer and got a little behind with the order. Have a ham sandwich instead.
WORKER 6: Thanks. [bites sandwich] Owah! There’s something hard in this sandwich. [opens it and takes out a set of false teeth] False teeth!
JAN BUTTY: I wondered where my best pair had gone.
WORKER 6: That’s the first time my food’s ever bitten back.
WORKER 1: I’d like a cheese sandwich please, Jan.
JAN BUTTY: What kind of cheese would you like?
WORKER 1: Have you any Gorgonzola?
JAN BUTTY: Strangely enough, I do. Here you are.
WORKER 1: Thanks. [goes to take a bite than stops] What’s this? [opens sandwich and takes out an old sock]
JAN BUTTY: It’s one of Scrooge’s old socks. I must’ve forgotten to take it out.
WORKER 2: Why did you leave a smelly old sock in a cheese sandwich?
JAN BUTTY: Well, how else do you think they make Gorgonzola?
WORKER 1: I can’t eat that!
JAN BUTTY: How about a peanut butter sarnie instead?
WORKER 5: You remind me of peanut butter, Jan.
JAN BUTTY: Is that because I’m smooth and tasty?
WORKER 5: No, it’s because you’re thick and nutty.
Workers laugh.
JAN BUTTY: Flaming cheek!
WORKER 6: We work hard Jan, and we’re entitled to a decent cuppa and edible food.
JAN BUTTY: Then I suggest you take it up with your union rep.
CRATCHIT: I don’t think that’s a good idea Jan.
JAN BUTTY: Why not?
CRATCHIT: Because every time we elect a union rep, Mr Scrooge sacks them.
JAN BUTTY: And who’s your current union rep?
WORKERS: Bob Cratchit!
CRATCHIT: Sssshh! Not so loud! Mr Scrooge might hear you.
JAN BUTTY: Whatever happened to power to the workers?
CRATCHIT: I can’t afford to get sacked Jan. I’m still paying Mr Scrooge back for a loan he let me have to buy a new crutch for Tiny Tim.
JAN BUTTY: The miserable swine! Do you know he even threatened to evict me last week.
CRATCHIT: Be fair Jan, you did pay your rent in gold chocolate coins.
WORKER 1: How come you paid old Scrooge with chocolate gold coins, Jan?
JAN BUTTY: I was hoping he wouldn’t notice them amongst all the real ones on his desk.
CRATCHIT: Who’s the present for Jan?
JAN BUTTY: It’s a secret Bob, and I’m just looking for somewhere safe to leave it to stop anybody peeking at it. I know. [places present front of curtains DSL] There, now you lot can keep an eye on it for me.
CRATCHIT: Sorry Jan, we’re going to be too busy packing and stacking. Why don’t you ask this lot…[indicates audience]…to watch it for you instead?
JAN BUTTY: What a good idea. [to audience] Will you lot look after this prezzie and warn me if anybody goes near it? Now, what shall I get you to shout out?
CRATCHIT: Well, it is Christmas, so how about something Christmassy?
JAN BUTTY: Like what?
CRATCHIT: Baubles!
JAN BUTTY: No, it sounds a bit rude.
CRATCHIT: Crackers!
JAN BUTTY: I am not!
CRATCHIT: No, I meant Christmas Crackers!
JAN BUTTY: Perfect! [to audience] Just shout Christmas Crackers, and I’ll come running.
CRATCHIT: Let’s have a practice Jan. You go off, and I’ll pretend I’m about to nick it.
JAN BUTTY: Okay, Bob. [exits SR]
Bob goes towards box and audience shout.
Enter Jan at a run [SR]
JAN BUTTY: Not bad, but I’m sure you can do better. Let’s try it again. [exits SR]
CRATCHIT: [to audience] Nice and loud this time. [repeats business]
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