Scrooge ‘The Panto’ (Perusal)

Several characters have small roles, leaving plenty of scope for doubling or even trebling up.

Scene One

Scrooge’s Sweet Factory

Music cue 1: Bob Cratchit and Workers. After song ends…

Jan Butty enters (SR) pushing on a tea-trolley complete with a large teapot, cups and saucers. Also plates of biscuits, sandwiches and a small box wrapped in festive paper.

Jan Butty

Tea’s up! Come and get it while it’s still hot!

Bob and Workers gather round.

Worker 1

Oh, I’m ready for a nice cup of tea.

Worker 2

Then you’re wasting your time drinking Jan’s.

Jan Butty

Cheek! Just for that you can keep your hands off my Ginger Nuts.

Worker 2

I wouldn’t touch your Ginger Nuts if you paid me. The last time I bit into one, I lost
a tooth.

Jan Butty

You’ll lose the rest of them if you criticise my tea again.

Bob Cratchit

Who’s the present for Jan?

Jan Butty

It’s a secret, Bob. I’m just looking for somewhere safe to leave it, to stop anybody peeking at it. I know. (takes the present and places it at the front corner of the stage) There. Now you lot can keep an eye on it for me.

Bob Cratchit

Sorry Jan. But we’re going to be too busy packing and stacking. Why don’t you ask this lot…(indicates audience)…to watch it for you instead?

Jan Butty

What a good idea. And so original. (to audience) Will you lot look after this prezzie for me? (audience respond) Great. Will you warn me if anybody goes near it? (audience respond) Wonderful. If anybody goes near it, just shout ‘snowballs’ and I’ll come running. Okay? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (to Bob) I’m going off now.

Worker 3

You went off years ago.

Jan Butty

And you’ll be going off in an ambulance in a minute! (to Bob) I’m going off and I want you to pretend you’re somebody, about to nick my prezzie, okay?

Bob

Okay Jan.

Jan exits (SR)

Bob goes towards the box – audience respond and Jan runs back on.

Jan Butty

(to audience) That wasn’t bad, but I’m sure you can do better. Let’s try it again. And this time I want you to shout loud enough to wake the dead. (to Bob) Once more time, Bob. (exits)

Bob goes towards the box – audience respond and Jan runs back on.

Jan Butty

(to audience) That’s much better.

Worker 4

(searching the trolley) Don’t you have any milk, Jan?

Jan Butty
No, I have a phobia about milk. The last time I tried drinking it, I almost died of shock.

Bob Cratchit

Why, what happened?

Jan Butty

The cow sat on me.

Worker 5

What sandwiches have you got Jan?

Jan Butty

What sort would you like?

Worker 5

The sort that’s made of bread.

Jan Butty

Very amusing. And don’t think I’ve forgiven you for putting super-glue on the handle of my teapot, yesterday.

Worker 5

You just can’t let it go, can you?

Worker 1

Any chance of a bacon sarnie, Jan?

Jan Butty

Sorry, bacon’s off.

Bob Cratchit

How come?

Jan Butty

The butcher backed into the bacon-slicer and got a little behind with the order. Have a ham sandwich instead. (hands over a sandwich)

Worker 1

Thanks. (bites into the sandwich) Owah! There’s something hard in this sandwich. (opens it and takes out a set of false teeth) Uggh! False teeth!

Jan Butty

I wondered where my best pair had gone. (takes the teeth)

Worker 1

That’s the first time my food’s ever bitten back.

Worker 2

I’d like a cheese sandwich please, Jan.

Jan Butty

Certainly. What kind of cheese would you like?

Worker 2

Well I’m quite partial to Gorgonzola.

Jan Butty

(passes him a sandwich) Here you are then.

Worker 2

Thanks. (is about to take a bite, then stops) What the…(opens sandwich and takes out an old sock)…what’s this?

Jan Butty

It’s one of Scrooge’s old socks. I made that sandwich last night and must’ve forgotten to take it out.

Worker 3

Why on earth did you leave a smelly old sock in a cheese sandwich?

Jan Butty

Well how else do you think they make Gorgonzola?

Worker 4

Old Scrooge was right. You’re a hopeless cook.

Jan Butty

Rubbish! I’m a great cook. I learned everything I know from Jamie Oliver’s very first cookbook ‘The Naked Chef’. Mind you, it’s a bit hair-raising cooking in the all-together. I take my life in my hands doing fry-ups. (to Worker 2) How about a peanut-butter sarnie instead?

Worker 5

Actually you remind me of peanut-butter, Jan.

Jan Butty

You mean I’m smooth and tasty?

Worker 5

No, thick and nutty

Worker 1

(drinks tea and grimaces) Ugggh! (to Jan) This tea’s disgusting! It’s weak as gnat’s water.

Jan Butty

That’s because Old Scrooge only allows me one tea-bag per week. So, I have to keep drying it out and re-using it.

All

Uggghh!

Jan Butty

Think yourselves lucky. I’m re-using last month’s teabags for this lots…(indicates audience)…half-time cuppa.

Everybody places their cups back on the trolley.

Worker 2

You’d think Mr Scrooge would make an exception for Christmas.

Jan Butty

Huh! There’s more chance of a politician telling the truth, than Ebenezer Scrooge making an exception for anything. Especially Christmas. I sometimes think he hates the festive season.

Worker 3

Look Jan, we work hard and we’re entitled to a decent tea-break with proper tea.

Jan Butty

Then I suggest you take it up with your union rep.

Bob Cratchit

I don’t think that’s a good idea Jan.

Jan Butty

Why not?

Bob Cratchit

Because every time we elect a union rep, Mr Scrooge immediately sacks them.

Jan Butty

And who is your current union rep?

Workers

Bob Cratchit!

Bob Cratchit

Sssshh! Not so loud. Mr Scrooge might hear you.

Jan Butty

Whatever happened to ‘power to the workers’?

Bob Cratchit

That’s all well and good Jan, but I can’t afford to get sacked. I’m still paying Mr Scrooge back for a loan he let me have, to buy a new crutch for Tiny Tim. If I keep up the repayments I should have it paid off by next Christmas.

Jan Butty

The old skinflint. I’ve never known anybody as mean as him. Do you know, he even threatened to evict me last week?

Bob Cratchit

Be fair Jan, you did pay your rent with Monopoly money.

Worker 4

(to Jan) How come you paid old Scrooge with pretend money, Jan?

Jan Butty

I was hoping he’d pretend not to notice.

Bob goes over to a cardboard box, picks it up and brings it forward.

Worker 5

What’s in the box, Bob?

Bob Cratchit

It’s just a few Christmas decorations. We can use them to brighten up the place ready for the staff party.

Worker 1

How can you afford decorations, Bob? Old Scrooge doesn’t pay us enough to live on, let alone buy decorations.

Bob Cratchit

My kids made them last night. It’s only a few paper-chains made out of old newspapers, but it’s better than staring at these bare walls.

Worker 2

These walls remind me of Mr Scrooge.

Bob Cratchit

How do you mean?

Worker 3

They’re cold, grey and hard.

Worker 4

Old Scrooge won’t like us putting up decorations. He hates anything that reminds him of Christmas.

Bob Cratchit

Oh, I’m sure he won’t mind. It’s not as if he’s paying for them, is it? Now cheer up everybody. Christmas is a wonderful time of year, so let’s enjoy ourselves. Music cue 2: Bob & Workers. After song ends…

Scrooge enters (SL)

Scrooge

What’s going on here? I pay you lazy rabble to work, not entertain yourselves! (pulls decorations from the box) And what’s all this?

Worker 5

It’s just a few decorations for the staff Christmas party, Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

(snaps) Party! Party! You’re not holding a party in my time, Cratchit!

Worker 1

But It doesn’t start until after work has finished for the day, sir.

Scrooge

And just how do you expect to hold a party in the dark?

Bob Cratchit

(puzzled) In the dark, Mr Scrooge?

Scrooge

Well you don’t think you’re going to use my lighting and heating, do you?

Jan Butty

Heating! That’s a laugh. This factory’s colder than the North Pole.

Scrooge

Then it’s lucky that you have plenty of blubber to keep you warm, isn’t it?

Jan Butty

Cheek! Everybody says I have the body of a super-model.

Scrooge

Super-tanker more like.

Worker 2

Jan’s right, it’s perishing in here.

Scrooge

You won’t have to worry about the cold anymore.

Worker 2

You mean we can turn up the heating?

Scrooge

No, I mean you’re sacked. Now get out!

Worker hangs his head and trudges off.

Scrooge

(to Bob) Put him down for eviction, Cratchit. Now that he’s unemployed, he won’t be able to keep up his mortgage repayments. And get all those decorations down or you can forget your Christmas bonus.

Jan Butty

(amazed) We’re getting a Christmas bonus?

Scrooge

That’s right.

Worker 3

(excited) Oooh! What is it Mr Scrooge?

Scrooge

(snaps) Having a job on Boxing Day! Now get back to work the lot of you! (to Jan) And you get back to your kitchen.

Jan Butty

Don’t worry I’m going. I only hope I don’t bump into that horrible ghost again.

Scrooge

Have you been at the cooking-sherry again?

Jan Butty

No I haven’t! I saw a ghost in the kitchen earlier and it looked just like your old partner, Jacob.

Scrooge
You must be crackers. Any more talk like that and I’ll have you certified.

Jan Butty

I’d rather be certified than mummified, like you.

Scrooge

Get back to your kitchen, or I’ll have you replaced by a vending machine.

Jan Butty

(fuming) Ooooh! One day you’ll live to regret being so hard and mean Ebenezer Scrooge. You mark my words. (exits with trolley)

Scrooge

How can I regret a life that’s seen me rise from nothing, to become the richest man in London? (to Workers) You lot, go and clear all the ice from the factory path. I don’t want my customers falling over and breaking anything.

Workers exit.

Bob Cratchit

It’s very thoughtful of you to think of customer’s safety, Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

Bah! I couldn’t care less about their safety.

Bob Cratchit

Then why are you getting the workers to clear the path of ice?

Scrooge

Have you ever tried selling stuff to somebody writhing on the floor in agony?

Bob Cratchit

No, sir.

Scrooge

Well I have. And it isn’t easy I can tell you.

(off) Music cue 3: Carol Singers.

Scrooge

Find out who’s making that infernal noise, Cratchit.

Bob Cratchit

Yes, Mr scrooge.

Cratchit opens the door to a group of Carol Singers.

Bob Cratchit

It’s a group of carol singers, sir.

Scrooge

Well don’t leave them out there in the cold, Cratchit. Show them in man.

Bob Cratchit

(delighted) Yes sir!

Carol Singers enter. Music cue 4: Carol Singers. After song ends…

Dickens

Merry Christmas to you Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

Bah, humbug!

Dickens

Christmas, ‘humbug’? I don’t think so sir.

Scrooge

What is your name?

Dickens

Charles Dickens, sir.

Scrooge

And do you have a licence for singing in public?

Dickens

You don’t need a licence for carol singing, sir.

Scrooge

Well you ought to, disturbing people’s peace and quiet with your caterwauling.

Dickens

But it’s traditional to sing carols at Christmas time.

Scrooge

Well I don’t care to hear them. Now get off my property before I call the police.

Dickens

(to audience) I believe I’ve found the subject for my next book. I think I’ll call it ‘A Christmas Carol’. (to Singers) Come along everybody, we’ll get nothing here.

Carol Singers exit and Scrooge walks to (CS) and leers at the audience.

Scrooge
(to audience) And what are you lot, gawking at? Haven’t you anything better to do than sit on your lazy backsides? (to Bob) Who let this riff-raff in, Cratchit?

Bob Cratchit

They’re here to see the show, sir.

Scrooge

Using my heating to get warm more like. Throw them out at once!

Bob Cratchit

I can’t do that sir.

Scrooge

And why not?

Bob Cratchit

Because if I did, they’d all demand a refund.

Scrooge

Don’t use filthy language like ‘refund’ in my presence Cratchit!

Bob cratchit

Sorry, Mr Scrooge.

Scrooge

We’’ seeing as they’re staying, we might as well sell stuff to them. Do we still have that consignment of chocolate mice out back, Cratchit?

Bob Cratchit

You mean the ones you bought cheap from the ‘Pied-Piper Chocolate Factory’?

Scrooge

That’s right. The one’s containing real mice.

Bob Cratchit

Yes sir, we’ve got several boxes full.

Scrooge

Good. Lock the all doors and sell them to this…(indicating audience)…lot during the interval. And don’t unlock the doors until they’ve all bought some.

Bob Cratchit

But what about health and safety, Mr Scrooge?

Scrooge

Sell some to them also.

Bob Cratchit

But they might make people sick.

Scrooge

Then sell them all sick-bags at 10p each.

Scrooge

By the way Cratchit, how is that house of yours? Is it still in the same condition as when I sold it to you?

Bob Cratchit

Yes, Mr Scrooge. The roof still leaks, the walls are still full of mould and the damp is still rising.

Scrooge

Then why haven’t you fixed it?

Bob Cratchit

I don’t earn enough to pay for repairs, Mr Scrooge. In fact, I was wondering if I might have a pay rise if it’s not too much trouble.

Scrooge

Well it is! The country faces austerity, the Eurozone is in meltdown, the banks are going bust and Brexit is coming down the track like a runaway train. (to audience) Which is why I keep all my money in gold coins and count it every day. (to Bob) I’ll review the situation next year, Cratchit.

Bob Cratchit

Begging you pardon sir, but that’s what you say every year.

Scrooge

Then you ought to be getting used to it by now. Of course, there’s always the alternative.

Bob Cratchit

And what’s that, sir?

Scrooge

(snaps) Unemployment! Now where are those eviction notices for today?