Rumpelstiltskin The Panto

Scene One

The Village Square

Music cue 1: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…Exit all (SL)

Enter Vance (SR) struggling with a big cardboard box. He puts it down.

VANCE: Hiya folks! I’m Vance, but everybody calls me Van the man, because I deliver stuff in my van. So, whenever I come on and shout who’s the man? I want you all to shout back, Van’s the man! Will you do that? Let’s have a go then. (exits and returns) Who’s the man? (repeat until happy) I’m delivering this package to the palace, but my van’s broken down and I’m struggling to carry it the rest of the way.

Enter Annie (SL)

ANNIE: Hello Vance! Have you seen my mother anywhere?

VANCE: No, and I don’t want to.

ANNIE: Don’t tell me she’s still bothering you.

VANCE: It’s called stalking, Annie

ANNIE: I take it you’re not interested in her romantically?

VANCE: I’m not interested in her remotely, never mind romantically.

ANNIE: Then why don’t you just tell her?

VANCE: I have – frequently. But she doesn’t listen.

ANNIE: I know how you feel. What’s in the box?

VANCE: It’s a big cake for the King’s birthday. But it’s too heavy to carry to the palace.

ANNIE: What’s wrong with your van?

VANCE: It’s broken down.

ANNIE: Then why don’t you ring the AA?

VANCE: I’m not a member.

ANNIE: RAC?

VANCE: Nope.

ANNIE: Green Flag?

VANCE: Afraid not.

ANNIE: Aren’t you a member of any breakdown service?

VANCE: Yes. I’ve joined a new service called, Breakdowns Anonymous.

ANNIE: Then why don’t you ring them?

VANCE: They don’t have a phone number.

ANNIE: Email?

VANCE: They don’t have an email address. Or a physical one, for that matter.

ANNIE: I think you’ve been taken for a ride, Vance.

VANCE: I think you’re right.

Enter PM and Dogsbody (SR) Dogsbody wears a Town Crier’s hat and carries a large bag containing various hats.

DOGSBODY: (shouts) O yeah! O yeah! I have a small proclamation!

VANCE: I’m sorry to hear that – but why are you broadcasting it in public?

PM: Because Town Crier is one of his many jobs.

ANNIE: And who are you?

PM: I’m the Prime Minister.

VANCE: (to Annie) I thought he looked a bit dodgy.

PM: And this is Dogsbody, my cabinet.

DOGSBODY: (shouts) Order! Order!

ANNIE: Why is there only one of him?

PM: Cutbacks. I had to fire the rest of the cabinet, to maintain my high salary.

VANCE: And he does all the jobs, does he?

PM: That’s right.

Dogsbody rummages in the bag and puts on a builder’s hard hat.

ANNIE: What job’s he doing now?

PM: Minister for building works.

DOGSBODY: (to Annie) ‘Ello darlin’ are you ‘avin’ subsidence trouble?

ANNIE: No, but I think my mum might be.

VANCE: You mum’s subsiding everywhere. And I don’t mean her house.

DOGSBODY: (dons a police helmet and grabs hold of Vance) Right, sunshine. I shall have to take down your particulars.

VANCE: (resists) You leave my particulars alone! (to PM) Who is he now?

PM: Minister for the police.

VANCE: I think I preferred the first bloke.

PM: Town Crier again, Dogsbody

DOGSBODY: (dons a Town Crier’s hat) O yeah! O yeah! The King has decreed that all taxes will be doubled with immediate effect.

VANCE: But he doubled them only last month!

ANNIE: If his majesty keeps on raising taxes, he risks a popular revolt.

DOGSBODY: I don’t think a revolt will be very popular.

PM: Not with us anyway. I’d be out of a job and you’d be out of several jobs.

VANCE: We’ll all need several jobs, just to pay our taxes.

PM: It’s time for my monthly meeting with his majesty. Chauffeur Dogsbody.

DOGSBODY: (dons a flat cap) Where too guv?

PM: I said chauffeur – not taxi-driver!

DOGSBODY: More cutbacks I’m afraid.

PM: Very funny Dogsbody.

VANCE: If you’re going to the palace, would you mind delivering this box for me?

DOGSBODY: I’m sorry, but my many jobs don’t include delivery person.

Music cue 2: Exit Dogsbody driving taxi and PM follows close behind.

VANCE: So, how’s business Annie.

ANNIE: Great. We’ve had a big order from the palace for five-hundred army uniforms.

VANCE: Five-hundred army uniforms! Anybody would think there was a war on.

ANNIE: The King certainly does. Anyway, I must find mother. Bye, Vance. (exits SL)

VANCE: I can’t carry this box all the way to the palace. I’ll leave it here while I go and fix my van. But what if somebody nicks it? (to audience) I say, would you mind looking after this box for me? I’ll leave it here…(places it DSR)…and if anybody goes near it, just shout and warn me. Now, what shall I get you to shout? (thinks) I know! It contains a big fruitcake, so, just shout fruitcake, and I’ll come running, okay? Let’s have a practice. I’ll sneak up on the box and you shout. (creeps up on box) You can do better than that. (repeats business) That’s better! Now, keep watching it and see you later. (exits SR)

Music cue 3: Enter Rumpelstiltskin with Sniff and Scratch (SL)

SCRATCH: Why have we come to village, boss?

SNIFF: I was wondering that, too.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Because the object of my desire is here.

SCRATCH: And you want us to nick, whatever it is?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It’s not a what, it’s a who.

SCRATCH: What?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, who!

SNIFF: Who?

SCRATCH: Where?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What?

SCRATCH: I don’t know boss, you started it!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (snaps) Idiots! I’m talking about Annie Gusset!

SNIFF: And she has something you’re after?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: In a manner of speaking.

SCRATCH: And you want to get your hands on it?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: After we’re married – yes.

SNIFF: Why would a beautiful young girl like her, marry somebody like you?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: And why wouldn’t she marry me?

SCRATCH: No offence boss, but you have the kind of face only a mother could love.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Do you think it wise to insult your employer?

SNIFF: You’ve always told us to speak our minds, boss.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Only once you’ve acquired them.

SCRATCH: Isn’t Annie Gusset engaged to that Scottish soap star, Donald McRonald?

SNIFF: That’s right. Apparently, he’s very big in the Trossachs.

SCRATCH: That would explain his popularity with the ladies.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I must ensure that she marries me instead, so get your thinking caps on.

SNIFF: We can’t do that, boss.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Why not?

SCRATCH: We don’t have any thinking caps.

SNIFF: Will a baseball cap do?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You morons!

SNIFF: Do you think it wise to insult your employees, boss?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yes!

SCRATCH: Fair enough. So long as we know where we stand.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I want you to spy on the Gusset’s and see if you can pick up any useful information. Meanwhile, I’ll go and order my wedding suit. (exits SL)

SNIFF: (spots box) Hello! What’s this? (goes to it and audience shout)

Enter Vance at a run (SR)

VANCE: Who’s the man? (shouts) Oi! Leave that alone!

SCRATCH: Is this box yours?

VANCE: Yes…I mean, no…I mean…

SNIFF: Make your mind up then.

VANCE: I’m delivering it to the palace, but my van broke down.

SCRATCH: Then why have you left it unattended?

VANCE: It’s not unattended. (indicating audience) They’re watching it for me. So, don’t even think about pinching it.

SNIFF: We’re not interested in your package – we’ve got bigger fish to fry.

VANCE: You work at the chippy?

SCRATCH: The fish are metaphorical.

VANCE: I prefer cod, myself.

SNIFF: Let’s go Scratch. We can’t waste time talking to idiots.

Exit Sniff and Scratch (SL)

VANCE: I’m off back to my van. Keep watching my package. (exits SR)

Enter Gertie (SL)

GERTIE: Hello everybody! Are you enjoying the show? Make the most of it, It won’t last. My name’s Gertie Gusset and I’m a dressmaker, just like my mother before me. I never saw her without a mouthful of pins. One day she had a sneezing fit and stapled two of us kids to the wall. Now, I like to get nice and friendly with everybody, so whenever I shout hiya boys and girls! I want you all to shout back, hiya Gertie! Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Hello boys and girls! Wonderful! (spots box) What’s this box doing here. (goes to it and audience shout) I am not! I have all my marbles, thank you very much!

Enter Vance at a run (SR)

VANCE: Who’s the man? (spots Gertie) Gertie!

GERTIE: Is this box yours, Vance?

VANCE: Yes, my van broke down and it’s too heavy to carry to the palace.

GERTIE: Speaking of weight. Have you noticed how much slimmer I am, these days?

VANCE: What diet are you on this time?

GERTIE: It’s a new whisky diet.

VANCE: A whisky diet?

GERTIE: Yes – you replace all your meals with whisky and it’s marvellous!

VANCE: Have you lost much?

GERTIE: Three days, so far.

VANCE: There’s a new weight-loss operation that involves having all your bones removed. Not only do you weigh less – you also look so much more relaxed.

GERTIE: I’m relaxed enough on this whisky diet.

VANCE: I think look over-relaxed – but that’s gravity for you.

GERTIE: Why don’t you gravitate towards me, Vance? (pressing against him)

VANCE: No, thanks. I’d rather not be in your planetary orbit.

GERTIE: If I were a planet, I’d be Venus.

VANCE: What makes you say that?

GERTIE: Because like Venus, I’m hot and steamy.

VANCE: You remind me of the Venus De Milo.

GERTIE: Is that because of my statuesque body?

VANCE: No, it’s because you’re ancient and crumbling.

GERTIE: Don’t you find there’s something different about me?

VANCE: Yes, but I can’t put my finger on it.

GERTIE: (pressing against him) You could if you asked me nicely.

VANCE: (pushing her off) I really must go and fix my van, Gertie.

GERTIE: Would you like me to hold your gearstick, for you?

VANCE: No, it’s an automatic! (turns and runs off SR)

GERTIE: Sooner or later I’ll have him in my clutches. See you all later. (exits USL)

Enter Donald McRonald (DSL) Music cue 4: Donald. After song ends…

DONALD: Greetings! I’m Donald McRonald the famous Scottish soap star! I’ve just come down from bonnie Scotland to see ma girlfriend, Annie Gusset. She doesn’t know I’m here, so it’ll be a wee surprise for her. (sees box) What’s this? (goes to it)

Enter Vance at a run (SR)

VANCE: Who’s the man? (spots Donald) Don’t touch that box, Miss!

DONALD: (turns) How dare ye!

VANCE: Sorry pal, the skirt threw me.

DONALD: It’s a kilt, ya Sassenach!

VANCE: Aren’t you, Donald McRonald the famous Scottish soap star?

DONALD: Ye recognise me?

VANCE: Yes. Annie once showed me a photo of you. Are you down here filming?

DONALD: No I’m here to see, Annie and meet her mother.

VANCE: You mean, you’ve not met her yet?

DONALD: No – what’s she like?

VANCE: Think, Loch Ness Monster.

DONALD: She’s no that bad, is she?

VANCE: Worse. At least Nessie attracts tourists. Gertie only attracts funny looks.

DONALD: They say that most daughters end up looking like their mothers.

VANCE: Then you’d better hope that Annie’s adopted. Cheerio! (exits SR)

DONALD: He’s probably pulling ma leg.

Enter Annie (SL)

ANNIE: Donald!

DONALD: Hello, ma wee Annie!

ANNIE: Why the surprise visit?

DONALD: I’ve come to ask if you’ll make me the happiest man in the glen, Annie.

ANNIE: You mean…?

DONALD: Aye, lassie. (down on one knee) Annie Gusset, will ye do me the great honour of becoming ma wife?

ANNIE: (delighted) Yes Donald, I will!

DONALD: That’s fair grand. I’m that happy I feel a wee song coming on. Music cue 5: Donald and Annie. After song ends…

Enter Gertie (SR)

GERTIE: Hello boys and girls! (sees Annie & Donald) What’s going on here?

ANNIE: Mum, this is Donald – my fiancée.

DONALD: I thought it was about time I showed ma face.

GERTIE: That’s not all you’ll show, if the wind picks up. Is it true, that a real
Scotsman wears nothing under his kilt?

DONALD: Aye! Apart from the Mcloud clan, who wear underpants made from tinfoil. Hence the saying, every Mcloud has a silver lining. (laughs)

GERTIE: Did you tell that joke for a dare?

ANNIE: Donald’s just asked me to marry him, mum.

DONALD: And she said, yes.

GERTIE: It’s a bit early, isn’t it? Marriage proposals usually wait until the final scene.

DONALD: I couldnae wait that long.

GERTIE: I take it you’ll be moving South of the border, after you’re married. (to audience) Don’t make up your own jokes, please.

DONALD: Aye! I’ve just landed a part in EastEnders.

ANNIE: That’s my favourite soap!

DONALD: What’s your favourite soap, Gertie?

GERTIE: Imperial Leather.

DONALD: I’ll need a wee job to tide me over until I start filming.

ANNIE: You could work for us. We could do with a bit more help, with a big order for army uniforms.

DONALD: That would be grand!

ANNIE: Have you ever made anything up, Donald?

GERTIE: That’s a silly question to ask a man.

DONALD: Before I was an actor, I used to work for a tailor.

ANNIE: What was it like?

DONALD: So-so. I still make up all ma own kilts.

GERTIE: It’s a pity you can’t make up some jokes.

ANNIE: Come along Donald, and I’ll show you The Works.

GERTIE: Don’t get too excited, Donald. It’s the name of our shop.

Exit all (USL)