Rumpelstiltskin The Panto

Scene One

The Village Square

Villagers sing and dance. Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Exit all (SL)

Enter Vance (SR) struggling to carry a big cardboard box. He puts it down.

Vance Hiya folks! My name’s Vance, but everybody calls me Van the man. That’s because I deliver stuff in my white van. So, whenever I come on and shout who’s the man? I want you all to shout back, Van’s the man! Will you do that? (response) Let’s have a go then. (exits and returns) Who’s the man? (repeat until happy) I’m delivering this package to the palace. But my van’s broken down and I’m struggling to carry it the rest of the way.

Enter Annie (SL)

Annie Hiya Vance!

Vance Hi, Annie!

Annie Have you seen mother anywhere?

Vance No, and I don’t want to.

Annie Don’t tell me she’s still bothering you.

Vance It’s called stalking, Annie. And it’s making me a nervous wreck. Look! (shaky hand)

Annie I take it you’re not interested in her romantically, then?

Vance I’m not interested in her remotely, never mind romantically.

Annie Then why don’t you just tell her?

Vance I have, frequently. But she doesn’t listen.

Annie I know how you feel. What’s in the box, Vance?

Vance It’s a big cake for the King’s birthday. But it’s too heavy to carry to the palace.

Annie Why aren’t you using your van?

Vance It’s just broken down.

Annie Then why don’t you ring the AA?

Vance I’m not a member.

Annie RAC?

Vance Nope.

Annie Green Flag?

Vance Afraid not.

Annie Aren’t you a member of any breakdown service?

Vance Yes. I’ve joined new service called, Breakdowns Anonymous.

Annie Then why don’t you ring them?

Vance They don’t have a phone number.

Annie Email?

Vance They don’t have an email address. Or a physical address, for that matter.

Annie I think you’ve been taken for a ride, Vance.

Vance I think you’re right.

Music cue 2: Enter PM and Dogsbody (SR) Dogsbody wears a Town Crier’s hat and carries a large bag containing various hats.

Dogsbody (shouts) O yeah! O yeah! I have a small proclamation!

Vance I’m sorry to hear that. But why are you broadcasting it in public?

PM Because Town Crier, is one of his many jobs.

Annie And who are you?

PM I’m the Prime Minister.

Vance (to Annie) I thought he looked a bit dodgy.

PM And this is Dogsbody, my cabinet.

Dogsbody (shouts) Order! Order!

Annie Why is there only one of him?

PM Cutbacks, I’m afraid. I had to fire the rest of the cabinet, to maintain my high salary.

Vance And he does all the jobs, does he?

PM That’s right.

Dogsbody rummages in the bag and puts on a builder’s hard hat.

Annie What job is he doing now?

PM Minister for building works.

Dogsbody (to Annie) ‘Ello darlin’ what’s the trouble then? Bit of subsidence in your basement?

Annie No, but I think my mum might have.

Vance You mum’s subsiding everywhere, and not just her basement.

PM Minister for police, Dogsbody.

Dogsbody (puts on a police helmet and grabs hold of Vance) Right, sunshine. I shall have to take down your particulars.

Vance (breaks free) You leave my particulars alone! I think I preferred the first bloke.

PM Town Crier again, Dogsbody

Dogsbody (Town Crier’s hat on) O yeah! O yeah! The King has decreed that all taxes will be doubled with immediate effect.

Vance But he doubled them only last month!

Annie If his majesty keeps on raising taxes, he risks a popular revolt.

Dogsbody I don’t think a revolt will be popular.

PM Well, not with us certainly. I’d be out of a job and you’d be out of several jobs.

Vance We’ll all need several jobs, just to pay our taxes.

PM It’s time for my monthly meeting with his majesty. Official chauffeur please, Dogsbody.

Dogsbody (puts on a flat cap) Okay guv, where too?

PM I said chauffeur, Dogsbody. Not taxi-driver.

Dogsbody Sorry PM, more cutbacks I’m afraid.

PM Very funny Dogsbody. Now, take me to the palace.

Dogsbody Yes guv.

Vance If you’re going to the palace, would you mind delivering this box for me?

Dogsbody I’m sorry, but my many jobs don’t include delivery person. Music cue 3: Exits (SR) as though driving off and the PM follows on close behind.

Vance So, how’s business Annie.

Annie Great. We’ve just had a big order from the palace, for five-hundred army uniforms.

Vance Five-hundred army uniforms! Anybody would think there was a war on.

Annie Well, the King certainly does. Anyway, I must find mother. Bye, Vance. (exits SL)

Vance I can’t carry this box all the way to the palace. I’ll just leave it here while I go and fix my van, but then somebody might nick it. (to audience) I say, would you mind looking after this box for me? Thanks. I’ll leave it here…(places it DSR)…and if anybody goes near it, just shout and warn me, okay? Now, what shall I get you to shout? (thinks) I know! It contains a big fruitcake. So, if anybody goes near it, just shout fruitcake! And I’ll come running, okay? Let’s have a practice then. I’ll sneak up on the box and you all shout. (creeps up on the box) You can do better than that. (repeats business) That’s great! Now keep watching it and see you later. (exits SR)

Music cue 4: Enter Rumpelstiltskin with Sniff and Scratch (SL)

Scratch Why have we come to village, boss?

Sniff I was wondering that, too.

Rumpelstiltskin It’s because the object of my desire is here.

Scratch And you want us to nick, whatever it is?

Rumpelstiltskin It’s not a what, it’s a who.

Scratch What?

Rumpelstiltskin No, who!

Sniff Who?

Scratch Where?

Rumpelstiltskin What?

Scratch I don’t know boss, you started it.

Rumpelstiltskin (snaps) Idiots! I’m talking about Annie Gusset.

Sniff Oh, I see. And she has something that you’re after?

Rumpelstiltskin In a manner of speaking.

Scratch And you want to get your hands on it?

Rumpelstiltskin Once we’re married, yes.

Sniff Why would a beautiful young girl like her, marry someone like you?

Rumpelstiltskin And why wouldn’t she marry me?

Scratch No offence boss. But you have the kind of face only a mother could love…possibly.

Rumpelstiltskin Do you think it wise to insult your employer?

Sniff You’ve always told us to speak our minds, boss.

Rumpelstiltskin Only once you’ve acquired them.

Scratch But isn’t Annie Gusset engaged to the famous Scottish soap star, Donald McRonald?

Sniff That’s right. Apparently, he’s very big in the Trossachs.

Scratch That would explain his popularity with the ladies.

Rumpelstiltskin Forget him. I need a plan to ensure Annie marries me, so get your thinking caps on.

Sniff We can’t do that, boss.

Rumpelstiltskin Why not?

Scratch We don’t have any.

Sniff Will a baseball cap do?

Rumpelstiltskin You are both morons!

Sniff Do you think it wise to insult your employees, boss?

Rumpelstiltskin When they’re as daft as you two, yes!

Scratch Fair enough. Just so long as we know where we stand.

Rumpelstiltskin I want you to spy on the Gusset’s and see if you can pick up any useful information. Meanwhile, I’ll go and order my wedding suit from Burton’s. (exits SL)

Sniff (spots the box) Ello! What’s this, then? (goes to it and audience shout)

Enter Vance at a run (SR)

Vance Who’s the man? (to Sniff) Oi! Leave that alone!

Scratch This is yours, is it?

Vance Yes…I mean, no…I mean…

Sniff Make your mind up then.

Vance I’m delivering it to the palace, but my van broke down.

Scratch Then why have you left it here, unattended?

Vance It’s not unattended. (indicating audience) They’re watching it for me, while I fix my van. So, don’t even think about pinching it.

Sniff We’re not interested in your big package. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Vance You both work at the chippy?

Scratch The fish we’re frying, are metaphorical.

Vance I prefer cod, myself.

Sniff Let’s go Scratch. We can’t waste time talking to idiots.

Exit Sniff and Scratch (SL)

Vance They’re idiots. I’m off back to my van. Keep watching my package. (exits SR)

Enter Gertie (SL)

Gertie Hello everybody! Are you all enjoying yourselves? Make the most of it, It won’t last. My name’s Gertie Gusset and I’m a dressmaker, just like my mother before me. She was constantly sewing. I never saw her without a mouthful of pins. One day she had a sneezing fit and stapled two of us kids to the wall. Now, I like to get nice and friendly with everybody, so whenever I shout hiya boys and girls! I want you all to shout back, hiya Gertie! Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Hello boys and girls! (response) Wonderful! (spots box) What’s this box doing here. (goes to it – response) I am not! I have all my marbles thank you very much!

Enter Vance at a run (SR)

Vance Who’s the man? (spots Gertie) Gertie!

Gertie Have you left this here box here, Vance?

Vance Yes. My van broke down and it’s too heavy to carry to the palace.

Gertie Speaking of weight. Have you noticed how much slimmer I am, these days?

Vance What diet are you on this time, Gertie?

Gertie It’s a new whiskey diet.

Vance A whiskey diet?

Gertie Yes and it’s marvellous. All you do is drink whiskey.

Vance Have you lost much?

Gertie Three days, so far.

Vance Apparently, there’s a new weight-loss operation, that involves having all your bones removed. So, not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

Gertie I’m relaxed enough on this whisky diet

Vance You look over-relaxed. But that’s gravity for you.

Gertie You can’t resist my gravitational pull forever. (pressing against him)

Vance (pushing her away) I can if I use anti-gravity aftershave.

Gertie There’s such thing as anti-gravity aftershave.

Vance Oh yes, there is.

Gertie Oh no, there isn’t.

Vance Oh yes, there is.

Gerite What’s it called then?

Vance It’s called Old Spice. And it repels most women.

Gertie Yes, but I’m not like most other women.

Vance You can say that again.

Gertie And what do you think makes me different, to other women?

Vance I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Gertie (pressing against him) You could if you asked nicely.

Vance (pushing her off) I really must go and fix my van, Gertie.

Gertie Would you like me to give you a hand?

Vance How could you help?

Gertie Maybe I could hold your gearstick, for you.

Vance It’s an automatic! Bye! (turns and runs off SR)

Gertie Sooner or later I’ll have him in my clutches. Anyway, see you later folks. (exits USL)

Enter Donald McRonald (DSL) Music cue 5: Donald. After song ends…

Donald Hello, folks! I’m Donald McRonald, Scottish soap star! I’ve come down from bonnie Scotland to see ma girlfriend, Annie Gusset and ask her to marry me. She doesn’t know I’m here, so it’ll be a wee surprise for her. (sees box) What’s this? (goes to it)

Enter Vance at a run (SR)

Vance Who’s the man? (spots Donald) Don’t touch that box, Miss!

Donald (turns) How dare ye!

Vance Sorry pal, the skirt threw me.

Donald It’s a kilt, ya Sassenach!

Vance Aren’t you, Donald McRonald the Scottish soap star?

Donald Ye recognise me, then?

Vance Yes. Annie once showed me a photo of you. Are you down here filming, then?

Donald No. I’m here to see, Annie and also meet her mother.

Vance You mean, you’ve not met Gertie yet?

Donald No. What’s she like?

Vance Put it this way. If she visited Loch Ness, there’d be an upsurge of monster sightings.

Donald She’s no that bad, is she?

Vance Worse. At least Nessie attracts tourists. All Gertie attracts are funny looks.

Donald They do say that most daughters end up looking like their mothers.

Vance Then you’d better hope that Annie’s adopted. I’m off to fix my van. Bye. (exits SR)

Donald (to audience) He’s having me on about Gertie, isn’t he? Perhaps not.

Enter Annie (SL)

Annie Donald!

Donald Hello, ma wee Annie!

Annie Why the surprise visit, Donald?

Donald I’ve come to ask if you’ll make me the happiest man in the glen, Annie.

Annie You don’t mean…?

Donald Aye, lassie. (goes down on one knee) Annie Gusset, will ye do me the great honour of becoming ma wife?

Annie (delighted) Yes Donald, I will!

Donald That’s fair grand. I’m so happy I can feel a wee song coming on. Music cue 6: Donald and Annie. After song ends…

Enter Gertie (SR)

Gertie Hello boys and girls! (sees Annie & Donald) Hello, what’s going on here then?

Annie This is Donald, mum. My fiancée.

Donald I thought it was about time I showed ma face.

Gertie That’s not all you might show, if the wind picks up.

Annie (embarrassed) Mum! Don’t embarrass him!

Gertie Is it right, that a true Scotsman wears nothing underneath his kilt?

Donald Aye. Apart from the Mcloud clan, who wear underpants made from tinfoil. Hence the saying, every Mcloud has a silver lining. (laughs)

Gertie Did you tell that joke for a dare?

Annie Donald’s come down from Scotland to ask me to marry him, mum.

Donald And she said, yes.

Gertie It’s a bit early, isn’t it? Marriage proposals aren’t usually until the final scene.

Donald I couldnae wait that long.

Gertie I take it you’ll be moving South of the border, after you’re married. (to audience) Don’t make up your own jokes, please.

Donald Aye! I’ve just landed a part in EastEnders.

Annie Gosh! That’s my favourite soap!

Donald And what’s your favourite soap, Gertie?

Gertie Imperial Leather.

Donald But I’ll need a wee job to tide me over until I start rehearsals.

Annie Maybe Donald could work for us, mum. We could do with a bit more help, with the order for army uniforms.

Donald That would be fair grand.

Annie Have you ever made anything up, Donald?

Gertie What a silly question to ask a man.

Donald Before I was an actor I used to work for a tailor.

Annie What was it like?

Donald So-so. But I do make up all ma own kilts.

Gertie It’s a pity you can’t make up some jokes.

Annie Come along Donald, and I’ll show you the works.

Gertie Don’t get too excited, Donald. It’s the name of our workshop.

Exit all (USL)