Rumpelstiltskin ‘The Panto’

Scene One

The Village Square

Villagers sing and dance. Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…

SFX: Sound of motor car running then breaking down, comic boing-twang, etc.

Vance enters (SR) struggling to carry a big cardboard box.

Vance

Gosh this thing’s heavy. (puts it down)

Villager 1

What’s in the box, Vance?

Vance

It’s the King’s birthday cake. I must deliver it to the palace in time for his birthday party, but my van broke down and I’m struggling to carry it the rest of the way. I say, would any of you like to help me?

Villagers

(variously) Sorry, I’m washing my hair. I’m washing my car. I’m washing my dog.

Vance

(to audience) Well that was a total washout. (places the box front of main curtains DSL and then spots audience) Hiya folks! (ad-lib to audience response) My name’s Vance, but most people call me ‘Van the man’ because I deliver stuff in my van. So, whenever I come on I’ll shout ‘who’s the man?’ And I want you all to shout back, ‘Van’s the man!’ Will you do that? (audience respond) Great! Let’s have a go then. (exits and returns) Who’s the man? (audience respond) I’m sure you can do better than that. Let’s try it again. (repeats business) That’s better!

Annie Gusset enters (SL)

Annie 
Hi Vance!

Vance

(to Annie) Hi, Annie!

Annie

I’m looking for mother. You haven’t seen her, have you?

Vance

No and I don’t want to.

Annie

Don’t tell me she’s still bothering you.

Vance

Yes, but it’s called ‘stalking’ and it’s making me a nervous wreck. Look! (holds out a trembling hand)

Annie

Haven’t you told her that you’re not interested in her?

Vance

Yes, but she doesn’t believe I’m being serious.

Villager 2

Why don’t you try unfriending her on Facebook, Vance? Then she might get the message.

Annie

Mum isn’t on Facebook.

Villager 3

She ought to be on Faceache.

Villagers laugh.

Annie

What’s in the box, Vance?

Vance

The King’s birthday cake. I was just taking it to the palace, but my van broke down and I could do with some help to get it there.

Annie

And we’ve got five-hundred army uniforms to finish and deliver to the palace by tomorrow, which is why I’m trying to find mother.

Vance

Five-hundred army uniforms! Anybody would think there was a war on.

Annie

Well the King certainly does. Still, it keeps us in work.

Music cue 2: PM and Dogsbody enter (SR) Dogsbody is wearing a Town Crier’s hat and carries a large bag containing various hats required for the scene.

Dogsbody

(shouts) O yeah! O yeah! I have a small proclamation!

Vance

I’m sorry to hear that. But why are you broadcasting it in public?

PM

Town Crier is one of his many jobs.

Annie

And who are you?

PM

I’m the Prime Minister.

Villager 4

(to other Villagers) I thought there was something dodgy about him.

Vance

(indicating Dogsbody) So who’s he then?

PM

He’s Dogsbody, my cabinet.

Dogsbody

(shouts) Order! Order!

Villager 5

Why is there only one of him?

PM

Cutbacks, I’m afraid. I had to fire the rest of the cabinet, to maintain my high salary.

Vance

And he does all the jobs, does he?

PM

That’s correct.

Dogsbody puts on a yellow hard hat.

Villager 1

And what job’s he doing now?

PM

Minister for building works.

Dogsbody

(to Annie) ‘Ello darlin’ what’s the trouble then, need your pipes laggin? Phwaor missus!

Annie

What other jobs does he do?

PM

(to Dogsbody) What about minister for police, Dogsbody?

Dogsbody
(rummages in bag and produces a policeman’s helmet) ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello. Well your honour, I was proceedin’ in a westerly direction towards the Red Lion. (grabs hold of Vance) Right, sunshine. I shall have to take down your particulars.

Vance

(breaks free) You leave my particulars alone! (to PM) I think I preferred the first bloke.

PM

(to Dogsbody) Town Crier again, Dogsbody

Dogsbody

(puts on Town Crier’s hat again) O yeah! O yeah! Due to the cost of the ongoing war, the King has decreed that all taxes will be doubled with immediate effect.

Villager 2

But that’s not fair!

Villager 3

Maybe if the old fool didn’t keep spending on a war that doesn’t exist, he wouldn’t have to keep raising our taxes.

Villager 4

What with that and the Queen being a shopaholic, the country will soon be bankrupt.

Annie

(to PM) If their majesties carry on raising taxes, they risk a popular revolt.

Dogsbody

I don’t think a revolt will be very popular.

PM

Well not with us, certainly. I’d be out of a job and you’d be out of several jobs.

Villager 5

If taxes keep on rising, we’ll all need several jobs to pay for them. I’m off to see if I can claim working tax credit. (exits SL)

Villagers

(variously) Me too! And me! (all exit SL)

PM

It’s time for my monthly meeting with his majesty. (to Dogsbody) Chauffer please, Dogsbody.

Dogsbody

(rummages in bag and takes out a flat cap) Okay mate, where too?

PM

(to Dogsbody) I said ‘chauffer’ not taxi-driver.

Dogsbody

Sorry guv, cutbacks I’m afraid.

PM

Very funny Dogsbody. Now take me to the palace.

Dogsbody

Yes P.M.

PM

And don’t expect a tip.

Vance

If you’re going to the palace, would you mind delivering this cake for me?

Dogsbody

I’m sorry, but my many jobs don’t include that of deliveryman.

Music cue 3: Dogsbody ‘drives’ off (SR) and the PM follows on behind.

Annie

I’d better go and find mother. See you later Vance. (exits SR)

Vance

I’ll never manage to carry this box all the way to the palace. I’d better leave it here while I fix my van. (rethinks) Oh, but what if somebody tries stealing it? (to audience) I say, would you mind looking after this box for me? (audience respond) I’ll leave it here…(pushes it to corner of stage DSR)…and if anyone goes near it, just shout out and warn me, okay? (audience respond) Thanks. Now what shall I get you to shout? (thinks) I know! This box contains a big fruit cake, so if anybody goes near it, just shout ‘fruit cake’ and I’ll come running. Will you do that? (audience respond) Okay, let’s have a practice then. I’ll sneak up on the box and when I get near it, you lot shout. (moves away and then creeps up on the box – audience respond) Not bad, now let’s try it again only louder. (repeats business) That’s better. Right then, I’m off to fix my van. Ta-ra! (exits SR)

Music cue 4: Lights dim and Rumpelstiltskin enters (SL) followed by his henchmen, Sniff and Scratch.

Scratch

(to Rumpelstiltskin) Why have we come to Village today, boss?

R’Stiltskin

Because the object of my desire is here.

Sniff

And what object’s that then?

R’Stiltskin

It’s not a ‘what’ it’s a who!

Scratch

What?

R’Stiltskin

No, ‘who!’

Sniff

Who?

Scratch

Where?

R’Stiltskin

What?

Scratch

I don’t know, you started it!

R’Stiltskin

(snaps) Idiots! The object of my desire, is ‘Annie Gusset’ and I intend to marry her.

Sniff

And what makes you think that a beautiful young girl like her, will marry somebody like you, boss?

R’Stiltskin

(offended) And why wouldn’t she marry me?

Scratch

Well no offence boss, but you have the kind of face that only a mother could love.

R’Stiltskin

Do you think it wise to insult your employer?

Sniff

You’ve always said we should speak our minds, boss.

R’Stiltskin

Only once you’ve acquired them.

Scratch

But isn’t Annie Gusset engaged to the famous Scottish soap star, George Mclooney?

Sniff

That’s right! Apparently, he’s very big in the Trossachs.

Scratch

That would explain his popularity with the ladies.

R’Stiltskin

I don’t care. I’m set on marrying her and nothing will stand in my way. But I need a plan to make it happen. So, get your thinking caps on.

Sniff

We can’t do that.

R’Stiltskin

Why not?

Scratch

We haven’t got any.