Robinson Crusoe And The Pirates


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Robinson Crusoe is a world-famous explorer, who nobody appears to have heard of. Join him as he sets sail on his latest adventure. Accompanied by his brother Billy and his mother, Celia. However, the ship is captained by the hapless Captain Codpiece, who couldn’t navigate his way around a supermarket.

Amongst the crew are botanist Dr Defoe, who is really a secret agent intent on capturing the infamous pirate Redbeard. Also, comic villains Swash and Buckle, who secretly work for Redbeard.

Join them all on the crazy comedy cruise of a lifetime.


10 principals 4 smaller roles plus cameo minor speaking roles and a chorus with some lines.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




Ben Bunn
Queen Tufu
Witch Doctor
Cabin Boy
Paper Boy
Dancers; Pirates; Sailors; Friday’s Wives; Vegans; etc.



Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [USL]

Enter Billy [DSL]

BILLY: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Billy Crusoe, brother of the famous Robinson Crusoe, but I‘m not sure he’s as famous as he thinks. Our mum’s probably more famous for her Bristol’s…pies that is. That’s because she invented the famous ‘Bristol Belly Buster’, meat and potato pie. She’s sailing to France today for some duty-free shopping and has asked me to pick up a French-English dictionary from WH Smith, but I don’t want to miss the boat, and I was wondering if you’d all do me a favour. Before a ship sails, somebody always shouts, ‘all aboard!’ so, if you hear anybody shout, ‘all aboard!’ I want you to shout, ‘wait for us!’ And I’ll come running. Will you do that? Let’s have a practice. ‘all aboard!’ Great! See you later. [exits SL]

Enter Celia Crusoe [SR] wheeling on a suitcase and singing.

CELIA: ‘All the nice girls love a sailor…’ Oh, hello! Are you all waiting to embark? Me too. I’m just looking for a handsome young sailor to take me up the gangplank. I’ve never done it before you see…sailing that is. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Celia Crusoe, mother of Robinson Crusoe. My late husband was an also able seaman, although not as able as I’d hoped, and ten years ago he was lost at sea. I’m not surprised he got lost, because he was a hopeless navigator. When we were courting, it took him ages to navigate his hand to my knee. My old mum’s staying home alone because she’s bedridden and spends all her time watching TV. She loves In The Night Garden and her favourite character is Upsy Daisy.

SFX: Loud knocking.

CELIA: Calm down! It’s because she heard me mention his name. [cocks an ear] She’s gone very quiet. I wonder if she’s all right. [shouts] Upsy Daisy!

SFX: Loud knocking.

CELIA: She’s fine. Would you mind helping me look after her? You won’t have to do any of the messy stuff, just a bit of long-distance babysitting. Every time I say, ‘I wonder if she’s all right,’ you all shout ‘Upsy Daisy!’ If she knocks then I’ll know she’s okay. Let’s have a go then. I wonder if she’s all right.

SFX: Loud knocking.

CELIA: Well done everybody.

Music cue 2: Enter Captain Codpiece [USL]

CAPTAIN: Avaaast behind!

CELIA: [grabs her bum] It’s no bigger than anybody else’s! [turns] Oh hello, Admiral, I didn’t notice you hoving up behind me.

CAPTAIN: I’m Captain Codpiece.

CELIA: I thought I smelt something fishy, but I’m willing to overlook anything for a man in uniform, Commander.

CAPTAIN: I’m a Captain!

CELIA: For now. But there’s no telling how far you might go with the right woman behind you.

CAPTAIN: If it was you behind me, I’d go a long way. In the opposite direction. And there’ll be no fraternising with my crew if you don’t mind.

CELIA: You sailors are all alike. Just because you see a slim attractive young woman, walking about the docks, you immediately jump to conclusions.

CAPTAIN: Then what are you doing here?

CELIA: I’m waiting for my ship to come in.

CAPTAIN: You’ll have a bloomin’ long wait.

CELIA: I’m off to do a spot of duty-free shopping in Calais.

CAPTAIN: What’s the name of this ship you’re waiting for?

CELIA: ‘The Slack Girl.’

CAPTAIN: But that’s my vessel, and I’m bound for the Caribbean, not Calais.

CELIA: That’s a blow, The Slack Girl’s crew have been clients of mine for years.

CAPTAIN: So, you’re the source of my crew’s ailment.

CELIA: [snaps] I don’t know what you’re insulating! I’m the landlady of The Boson’s Arms, which is frequently frequented by sailors.

CAPTAIN: All right, there’s no need get crabby. [laughs] Sea? Crabby?

CELIA: If that’s a sample of seafaring humour, this show will sink like a stone.

CAPTAIN: Just like my last ship, and the one before that, and the one before that…

CELIA: How many ships have you had sink under you!?

CAPTAIN: Seven so far.

CELIA: Seven! What happened to them all?

CAPTAIN: They all hit the harbour wall and sank.

CELIA: You mean, you’ve never even made it out of harbour yet?

CAPTAIN: No, but I’m confident I’ll make it this time.

CELIA: What makes you think this time will be any different?

CAPTAIN: Because I’ve hit the wall that many times, there’s nothing left of it.

CELIA: How come The Slack Girl doesn’t do the booze cruise anymore then?

CAPTAIN: Two words, ‘channel’ and ‘tunnel.’

CELIA: In that case, I’ll just stock up on duty-free Caribbean rum instead.

CAPTAIN: I’ll see you aboard ship then. [exits SR]

Enter Paperboy [SL]

CABIN BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Redbeard implicated in latest pirate attack! Fifty sailors tossed overboard!

CELIA: Give me one of those papers. [takes paper and reads] How dreadful!

CABIN BOY: That’s sixpence for the newspaper, Mrs.

CELIA: Sixpence! In that case, you can have it back.

CABIN BOY: But you’ve read it now, so you must still pay for it.

CELIA: Listen, sonny Jim.

CABIN BOY: My name’s Jack, not Jim.

CELIA: All right then, sonny Jack. That paper’s already been read hasn’t it?

CABIN BOY: Only by you.

CELIA: That’s irrelevant, I’m not buying a second-hand newspaper now, sling your hook!

CABIN BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Paperboy mugged by old-age pensioner! [exits SR]

CELIA: Cheek! I need to buy some ladies’ items from Boots, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I wonder if you’d all help me out. Before a ship sails somebody always shouts, ‘all aboard!’ So if you hear anybody shout, ‘all aboard!’ I want you to shout, ‘wait for us!’ And I’ll come running. Okay? Now don’t forget, will you. Thanks. [exits SL]

Music cue 3: Enter Robinson [SR]

ROBINSON: Hiya folks! I’m Robinson Crusoe the world-famous explorer. [slaps thigh] No doubt you’ve all heard of me. I’m about to sail to the Caribbean, but I want to catch mum before she sets off for France, and I’m listening out for anybody shouting, ‘all aboard!’

Enter Celia at a run [SR] and Billy at a run [SL] crash together and fall.

CELIA: Why don’t you watch where you’re going Billy!?

BILLY: It was you who got in my way, mum!

CELIA: I sometimes think I should’ve given you up at birth.

BILLY: [shocked] You don’t really mean that, do you mum?

CELIA: Of course not, son. [aside] I did try, but nobody wanted him.