Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [USL]
Enter Billy [DSL]
BILLY: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Billy Crusoe, brother of the famous Robinson Crusoe. Although I’m not sure he’s as famous as he believes. Our mum’s probably more famous for her Bristol’s – pies that is. She’s cook, at The Boson’s Arms and invented the famous Bristol Belly Buster, meat and potato pie. She’s sailing to France for some duty-free shopping today and wants me to accompany her. I need to buy some sunscreen for the trip, but I don’t want to miss the boat, and I’m wondering if you’d all do me a favour. Before a ship sails, somebody always shouts, all aboard! So, if you hear anybody shout all aboard! I want you to shout, wait for us! And I’ll come running, okay? Now, don’t forget. [exits SL]
Enter Celia Crusoe [SR] wheeling on a suitcase and singing.
CELIA: ‘All the nice girls love a sailor…’ Oh, hello! Are you all waiting to embark? Me too. I’m just looking for a handsome young sailor to take me up the gangplank. I’ve never done it before you see – sailing I mean. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Celia Crusoe, mother of Robinson Crusoe and a widow of this parish. My late husband was an able seaman, but he wasn’t able at much else. Ten years ago he was lost at sea. I’m not surprised he got lost though, because he was a hopeless navigator. When we were courting, it took him months to navigate his hand to my knee. My old gran is staying home alone, because she’s bedridden and spends all her time watching TV. She loves In The Night Garden. They say we all revert to children once we reach a certain age, don’t they? Anyway, her favourite character is Upsy Daisy.
SFX: Loud knocking.
CELIA: Calm down! It’s because she’s heard me mention the name. [cocks an ear] She’s gone very quiet. I wonder if she’s all right? [shouts] Upsy Daisy!
SFX: Loud knocking.
CELIA: She’s fine. Would you mind helping me look after her? You won’t have to do any of the messy stuff, just a bit of long-distance babysitting. Every time I say, I wonder if she’s all right? I want you all to shout, Upsy Daisy! If she knocks, then I’ll know she’s okay. Let’s have a go then. I wonder if she’s all right?
SFX: Loud knocking.
CELIA: Well done everybody.
Music cue 2: Enter Captain Codpiece [USL]
CAPTAIN: Avaaast behind!
CELIA: [grabs her bum] It’s no bigger than anybody else’s! [turns] Oh hello, Admiral. I didn’t notice you hoving up behind me.
CAPTAIN: I’m Captain Codpiece.
CELIA: I thought I smelt something fishy. But I’m willing to overlook anything for a man in uniform. And may I say what a smart uniform you’re wearing, Commander.
CAPTAIN: I’m a Captain!
CELIA: Yes, but there’s no telling how far you’d go with the right woman behind you.
CAPTAIN: If you were behind me, I’d go a long way. In the opposite direction. And there’ll be no fraternising with my crew if you don’t mind.
CELIA: What do you take me for? [Captain whispers] How dare you! You sailors are all alike. Just because you see a slim attractive young woman, walking up and down the docks, you immediately jump to conclusions.
CAPTAIN: Then what are you doing here?
CELIA: I’m waiting for my ship to come in.
CAPTAIN: You’ll have a bloomin’ long wait.
CELIA: I’m just off to do a spot of duty-free shopping in Calais.
CAPTAIN: What’s the name of this ship you’re waiting for?
CELIA: The Slack Girl.
CAPTAIN: But that’s my vessel, and I’m bound for the Caribbean, not Calais.
CELIA: That’s a blow. The Slack Girl’s crew have been clients of mine for years.
CAPTAIN: So, you’re the source of my crew’s ailment.
CELIA: I don’t know what you’re talking about! If you must know, I’m head cook at The Boson’s Arms, which is frequently frequented by sailors.
CAPTAIN: All right, there’s no need get crabby. [laughs] Sea? Crabby? Get it?
CELIA: If that’s a sample of seafaring humour, then this show will sink like a stone.
CAPTAIN: Just like my last ship. And the one before that, and the one before that, and…
CELIA: How many ships have you had sink under you?
CAPTAIN: Seven so far.
CELIA: Seven! What happened to them?
CAPTAIN: They all hit the harbour wall and sank.
CELIA: You mean, you’ve never even made it out of harbour yet?
CAPTAIN: No, but I’m confident I’ll make it this time.
CELIA: What makes you think this time will be any different?
CAPTAIN: Because I’ve hit the wall that many times, there’s nothing left of it.
CELIA: So, how come The Slack Girl doesn’t do the booze cruise anymore?
CAPTAIN: They opened the channel tunnel.
CELIA: Never mind, I’ll just stock up on duty-free Caribbean rum instead.
CAPTAIN: I’ll see you aboard then. [exits SR]
Enter Paperboy [SL]
BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Redbeard implicated in latest pirate attack! Fifty sailors tossed overboard!
CELIA: Give me one of those papers. [takes paper and reads] How dreadful!
BOY: That’s sixpence for the newspaper, Mrs.
CELIA: Sixpence! In that case, you can have it back.
BOY: But you’ve read it now, so you must still pay for it.
CELIA: Listen, sonny Jim.
BOY: My name’s Jack, not Jim.
CELIA: All right then, sonny Jack. That paper’s already been read hasn’t it?
BOY: Only by you.
CELIA: That’s irrelevant. I’m not buying second-hand newspapers. Sling your hook.
BOY: Extra! Read all about it! Paperboy mugged by old-age pensioner! [exits SR]
CELIA: Cheek! I need to buy some ladies’ items from Boots, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I wonder if you’d all help me out. Before a ship sails, somebody always shouts all aboard! So if you hear anybody shout, all aboard! I want you to shout, wait for us! And I’ll come running. Okay? Now don’t forget. [exits SL]
Music cue 3: Enter Robinson striding on [SR]
ROBINSON: Hiya folks! I’m Robinson Crusoe the world-famous explorer. [slaps thigh] No doubt you’ve all heard of me. I’m about to sail to the Caribbean, and I want to catch mum before she sets off for France and help get her luggage all aboard.
Enter Celia at a run [SR] and Billy at a run [SL] crash together and fall.
CELIA: [getting up] You clumsy oaf, Billy! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?