SCENE ONE
BRISTOL DOCKS
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [USL]
Enter Billy [DSL]
BILLY: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Billy Crusoe, the brother of the famous Robinson Crusoe! although I‘m not sure he’s quite as famous as he thinks he is. Our mum is probably more famous for her Bristol’s…pies, that is. It’s because she invented the famous Bristol Belly Buster meat and potato pie. She’s sailing to France today for some duty-free shopping and asked me to pick up a French-English dictionary from Waterstones. But I don’t want to miss the boat, and I was wondering if you’d all do me a little favour. Before a ship sails, somebody always shouts, ‘all aboard’! So, if you hear anybody shout, ‘all aboard’! Will you all shout, ‘wait for me’! And I’ll come running. Thanks. Now don’t forget, and I’ll see you all shortly. [exits SL]
Enter Celia Crusoe [SR] wheeling on a suitcase and singing.
CELIA: #All the nice girls love a sailor…# Oh, hello! Are you all waiting to embark? Me too. I’m just looking for a handsome young sailor to take me up the gangplank. I’ve never done it before, you see…sailing, I mean. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Celia Crusoe, mother of Robinson Crusoe. My late husband was an also able seaman, although not as able as I’d hoped, and ten years ago he got lost at sea. I’m not surprised he got lost, because he was a hopeless navigator. When we were courting, it took him ages to navigate his hand to my knee. My old mum’s staying home alone because she’s bedridden and spends all her time watching TV. She loves In The Night Garden and her favourite character is, Upsy Daisy.
SFX: Knocking.
CELIA: Calm down! It’s because she heard me mention the name. [cocks an ear] She’s gone very quiet. I wonder if she’s all right. [shouts] Upsy Daisy!
SFX: Knocking.
CELIA: She’s fine. Would you mind helping me look after her? You won’t have to do any of the messy stuff. Just some long-distance babysitting. Every time I say, ‘I wonder if she’s all right’, you all shout, ‘Upsy Daisy’! If she knocks, I’ll know she’s fine. Okay, let’s have a practice. I wonder if she’s all right.
SFX: Knocking.
CELIA: Well done, everybody.
Music cue 2: Enter Captain Codpiece [USL]
CAPTAIN: Avaaast behind!
CELIA: [grabs her bum] Cheek! It’s no bigger than anybody else’s! [turns] Oh, hello, Admiral, I didn’t notice you hoving up behind me.
CAPTAIN: I’m, Captain Codpiece!
CELIA: I thought I could smell something fishy, but I’m willing to overlook anything for a man in uniform, Commander.
CAPTAIN: I’m a Captain!
CELIA: For now. But think how far you could go with the right woman behind you.
CAPTAIN: If you were behind me, I’d go far all right – in the opposite direction. And there’ll be no fraternising with my crew if you don’t mind.
CELIA: You sailors are all alike. Just because you see a slim and attractive young woman walking about the docks, you immediately jump to conclusions.
CAPTAIN: Then what are you doing here?
CELIA: I’m waiting for my ship to come in.
CAPTAIN: You’ll have a bloomin’ long wait.
CELIA: I’m off to do a spot of duty-free shopping in Calais.
CAPTAIN: What’s the name of this ship you’re waiting for?
CELIA: The Slack Girl.
CAPTAIN: But that’s my vessel, and I’m bound for the Caribbean, not Calais.
CELIA: That’s a blow. The Slack Girl’s crew have been clients of mine for years.
CAPTAIN: So, you’re the source of my crew’s ailment!
CELIA: I don’t know what you’re insulating, Captain. I’m the landlady of The Boson’s Arms, which is frequently frequented by sailors.
CAPTAIN: All right; there’s no need to get crabby. [laughs] Sea? Crabby?
CELIA: If that’s a sample of seafaring humour, this show will sink like a stone.
CAPTAIN: Just like my last ship. And the one before that…and the one before that…
CELIA: How many ships have you had sink under you!?
CAPTAIN: Seven so far.
CELIA: Seven! What happened to them all?
CAPTAIN: They all hit the harbour wall and sank.
CELIA: You mean you’ve never made it out of harbour yet?
CAPTAIN: No, but I’m confident I’ll make it this time.
CELIA: What makes you think this time will be any different?
CAPTAIN: Because I’ve hit the wall that many times, there’s nothing left of it.
CELIA: How come The Slack Girl doesn’t do the booze cruise anymore?
CAPTAIN: Two words – Channel and Tunnel.
CELIA: In that case, I’ll just stock up on duty-free Caribbean rum instead.
CAPTAIN: As you please, I’ll see you aboard ship. [exits SR]
Enter Paperboy [SL]
CABIN BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Redbeard implicated in latest pirate attack! Fifty sailors tossed overboard!
CELIA: Give me one of those papers. [takes and reads] Oh, I say, how dreadful!
CABIN BOY: That’s sixpence for the newspaper, missus.
CELIA: Sixpence! In that case, you can keep it.
CABIN BOY: But you’ve read it now, so you must still pay for it.
CELIA: Listen, sonny Jim, that newspaper’s already been read, hasn’t it?
CABIN BOY: Only by you.
CELIA: That’s irrelevant, I don’t buy second-hand newspapers, go sling your hook!
CABIN BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Paperboy mugged by pensioner! [exits SR]
CELIA: What a nerve! Listen folks, I need to buy some ladies’ items from Boots, but I don’t want to miss the boat. So, I wonder if you’d all do me a little favour. Before a ship sails, somebody always shouts, ‘all aboard’! So if you hear anybody shout, ‘all aboard’! Will you all shout, ‘Wait for me’! And I’ll come running. Thanks. Now don’t forget, and I’ll see you shortly. [exits SL]
Music cue 3: Enter Robinson [SR]
ROBINSON: Hiya, folks! I’m Robinson Crusoe, the world-famous explorer. [slaps thigh] No doubt you’ve all heard of me. I’m about to sail to the Caribbean, on my latest adventure, but I want to catch up with my mother before she sets off for France, and I’m hoping to find her before they shout, ‘all aboard’!
Enter Celia at a run [SR] and Billy at a run [SL] they crash and fall.
CELIA: Why don’t you watch where you’re going, Billy!?
BILLY: It was you who got in my way, Mum!
CELIA: I sometimes think I should’ve given you up at birth.
BILLY: You don’t really mean that, do you, Mum?
CELIA: Of course not, son. [aside] I did try, but nobody wanted him.
