Robin Hood And The Witches Of Sherwood

Scene One

Sherwood Village

Villagers are discovered onstage. Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…

Chester runs on (SR)

Chester

(to Villagers) Come on you lot, clear off before Prince John arrives. You know he hates seeing the place being cluttered up with poor people.

Villager 1
If he didn’t keep taxing us so much, we wouldn’t be poor.

Villager 2

I dread to think what would happen if he ever became King.

Villager 3

And the Sheriff’s just as bad.

Chester

The Sheriff only carries out Prince John’s orders. Deep down, he’s a kind and loving person.

Villager 4

The only thing the Sheriff loves, is himself.

Chester

That’s not true. He loves lots of things, like…

Villager 5

…Jailing people.

Villager 1

Torturing them.

Villager 2

Stealing their money.

Villager 3

Burning down their homes.

Villager 4

One day he’ll get what he deserves.

Villager 5

(up close to Chester) And it won’t be what he expects.

Chester

Oh, goody! The Sheriff loves surprises.

Villager 1

(to other Villagers) Let’s go, everyone.

Villagers exit (SR)

Chester

(to audience) Hiya folks! I’m Chester, the Sheriff’s lackey. (looks around apprehensively and speaks lower) I hate working for him really, but I daren’t let on in public or I might end up…(draws finger across neck)…keeeek! He became my boss when the Job Centre sent me on a job-placement, on a zero hours’ contract. I thought that meant I didn’t have to turn up for work. But apparently, it doesn’t work like that. I once tried quitting, but he said if I did he’d see to it that I never worked again. I said ‘that’s ok, I’m used to not working’. But then he explained that I wouldn’t be breathing either. Working for him is really getting me down, and I constantly need cheering up. You know what’s coming next, don’t you? That’s right. Every time I come on I’ll shout ‘wotcha kids’! And you all shout back ‘wotcha Chester’! Okay? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Wotcha kids! (audience respond – repeat until happy) Fantastic!

Music cue 3: Lights dim briefly as the Sheriff enters (USL)

Sheriff

(bellows) Chester!

Chester

(startled) Sheriff!

Sheriff  
Who were you talking too just now?

Chester

The audience, sire. I was just telling them what a wonderful person you are.

Sheriff

(peering at audience) Did you all pay to get in? (audience respond) Well you’ll have to pay double to get out. (to Chester) Have you composed my love poem for Lady Marion yet?

Chester

I’m still working on it.

Sheriff

Well hurry up about it! And don’t forget to mention my huge…attributes.

Chester

But Sheriff, she’s just an innocent young girl.

Sheriff

Yes, but not for long, eh? (obvious winking and nudging to Chester)

Chester

Is there something in your eye, Sheriff?

Sheriff

(snaps) No, there isn’t! You must tell her that I look like a famous film star.

Chester

(aside to audience) Frankenstein.

Sheriff

With the grace of a dancer. (dances woodenly)

Chester

(aside to audience) A concrete elephant more like.

Sheriff

And the strength of a huge stag.

Chester

(aside to audience) Strength of a used tea-bag.

Sheriff

Lady Marion’s loaded. And one we’re wed, I’ll get my hands on her tidy assets.

Chester

I think that goes without saying. (nudging him and winking) Eh, Sheriff?

Sheriff

I meant, her money!

Chester

And no one deserves it more than you, Sheriff.

Sheriff

True. Though rather grovelling of you to say so.

Chester

I thought you liked people grovelling.

Sheriff

Yes, but don’t overdo it. The poem must convince Lady Marion of my undying lust…I mean ‘love’.

Chester

Understood, Sheriff.

Sheriff

My guards will be arriving later, to collect taxes from those lazy good-for-nothing peasants. They’re on the ‘pay as you burn’ scheme.

Chester

Don’t you mean, ‘pay as you earn’?

Sheriff

No, ‘pay as you burn’. If they don’t pay up, I burn down their homes. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha!

Chester

(joining in the laugh) Ha-ha-ha!

Sheriff  
(brings laughing to abrupt halt) Enough! I do the evil laughs around here! Now go and woo Marion for me.

Chester

Consider her well and truly wooed, sire. (exits USR)

Sheriff

(to audience) And if that doesn’t work, I may be forced to use…(darkly)…the forces of darkness. (echo reverb on the word darkness) Ha-ha-ha! You can’t beat good old-fashioned evil. (exits USL laughing)

Marion and Molly enter (DSL) Marion looks sad.

Molly

What’s wrong Lady Marion? It’s not like you to be so glum.

Marion

I’ve just heard the Sheriff fancies me. And with my guardian King Richard, away abroad. I don’t have anybody to protect me from his unwelcome advances.

Molly

I’ll protect you, m’lady. (raises her sword)

Marion

Thanks Molly. But not even someone with your sword skills, can take on the Sheriff and his guards. If only my mother were still around. I really miss her you know.

Molly

(elicits audience sympathy) Aaahh!

Marion

The way she used to cuddle me tight…(cuddles herself)…and whisper sweet words to me. (sighs) I can almost hear her now.

Nursie

(off) Get a move on you, lazy pile of old bones!

Molly

That sounds nothing like your mum.

Nursie enters backwards (SR) pulling on a rope.

Nursie

(straining on rope) Shift yourself! (to audience) I haven’t strained this much, since the morning after entering a boiled-egg eating competition. (to wing) Right Neddy, this is your last chance. Heave! (pulls, rope breaks and she falls down)

Marion

(helping Nursie to her feet) Are you all right?

Nursie

Yes, but I think my stethoscope’s bent. (takes out a bent stethoscope)

Molly

What’s your name?

Nursie

I’m Nurse Bedpan. Who are you?

Molly

I’m Molly and this is Lady Marion.

Nursie

(all posh) Ooooh! A lady! (curtsying to Marion) One is pleased to meet one.

Marion

How do you do Nurse Bedpan?

Nursie

Call me ‘Nursie’. Everybody does. Apart from certain gentlemen friends that is.

Molly

What do they call you?

Nursie

‘Lilo Lil’. But that’s another story. Anyway, first things first. (to audience) Hello boys and girls! (audience respond) Just shout ‘hello Nursie whenever I say ‘hello boys and girls’ and we’ll get along just fine. (to Marion) Do carry on.

Marion

What brings you to Nottingham, Nursie?

Nursie

I’m desperate to get into a new position. (to audience) Oh, stop it! I mean a job.

Marion

There’s a teaching vacancy at…(local school)

Nursie

No thanks. Who’d be a teacher these days?

Marion

It pays well.

Nursie

I’ll take it!

Molly

(to Nursie) Perhaps you could also help me, chaperone Lady Marion. She’s an orphan and the Sheriff’s trying to get his hands on her dowry.

Nursie

I’ve not heard it called that before. (to Marion) Don’t you have anybody else to chaperone you, dear?

Marion

No. My legal guardian is abroad, fighting.

Nursie

England football supporter, is he?

Marion

No, he’s King Richard.

Molly

And I can’t be everywhere.

Nursie

(to Marion) Oh, you poor thing! Come to Nursie. (grabs her and presses her face into her bosom – Marion struggles to breathe – to Molly) Is she really in danger from the lecherous Sheriff?

Molly

At this precise moment, she’s in more danger of being suffocated.

Nursie

(releasing Marion) Don’t worry dear, I’ll look after you. I know what it’s like being pursued by men. Although I’m having a few problems with my transport.

Molly

Have you lost your pensioner’s bus pass?

Nursie

(snaps) I meant my horse, ‘Neddy! He won’t come on because he’s nervous. He used to work on Blackpool beach, and only feels happy when he hears anybody sing…(sings)…#oh I do like to be beside the seaside#

Marion

Maybe if we all sing it together, it might persuade him to come on.

Nursie

It’s worth a try. (to audience) Now make sure you all join in. (all sing – Neddy fails to appear) It obviously wasn’t loud enough, let’s try again. (repeat business)

During the singing Neddy enters, carrying two large saddlebags on his back.

Nursie

(to Neddy) There you are at last, Neddy!

Molly

What big bags you’ve got, Nursie!

Nursie

Yes, well I didn’t sleep much last night.

Molly

I meant your saddlebags.

Nursie

Oh, those! They’re full of my beauty products.

Marion

Are you an Avon rep?

Nursie

No, but I’ll probably end up bigger than them. You see I’ve invented this new
perfume, which makes you irresistible to men. Not that I need it myself, mind.

Music cue 4: Prince John staggers on (SR) dressed in gaudy underwear.

Prince. J

(in distress) Help! Help! (spots Nursie) Are you a nurse?

Nursie

(sarcastic) No, I’m a spot-welder.

Prince. J

I’m in desperate need.

Nursie

(knowingly) Desperate men are my speciality.

Prince. J

I feel faint!

Nursie

(preening) I do tend to have that effect on men.

Prince. J

Ooohh! (wavers and falls to the floor)

Molly

(to Nursie) Have you any smelling salts, Nursie?

Nursie

No. (produces a perfume bottle) Try this instead.

Molly holds the perfume bottle under Prince John’s nose.

Prince. J

(he splutters and immediately jumps to his feet) Phwoar! What’s in that bottle?

Nursie

It’s my latest perfume creation. I call it ‘Twice Nightly’.

Prince. J

(wafting the air) Wearing that, you’ll be lucky if it’s once yearly.

Marion

(to Prince. J) Who are you?

Prince. J

I’m Prince John!

Marion

Prince John? I didn’t recognise you without your royal clothes on.

Molly

I’d be shocked if you did, Lady Marion.

Prince. J

Lady Marion! (looking pointedly at Nursie) Still mixing with commoners I see.

Nursie

I might be common, but at least I don’t go around wearing my underwear in public.

Prince. J

I wasn’t by choice! I was on my way to Nottingham Castle, when Robin Hood and his gang of outlaws ambushed my royal entourage, in Sherwood Forest.

Nursie
And where is your entourage now?

Prince. J

The cowards fled, and the outlaws stole all my gold and jewels. They even took my royal clothes and said they were going to give them to nasty, smelly peasants! (pointing at audience) People just like them down there. Then they left me all alone in the dark, spooky forest.

Molly

Don’t tell me you’re scared of the dark.

Prince. J

Of course, not! But…(looking around apprehensively)…I’ve heard there are witches in Sherwood Forest.

Nursie
There’s no such things as Witches. (to audience) Is there boys and girls? (loud witch cackles offstage) Although I could be wrong.

More cackles offstage.

Prince. J

(yells) Witches! Help! Mummy! (runs off SL)

Nursie

What a princely scaredy-cat! (laughs)

Molly

And that wimp hopes to replace Richard as King of England?

Marion

The sooner King Richard returns and puts him in his place, the better.

Nursie

I second that. Now if you’ll point me in the direction of the school, I’ll be on my way.

Marion

(pointing SR) It’s that way, Nursie. You can’t miss it.

Molly

Unlike most of the pupils.

Nursie

Thank you. (to Neddy) Come along Neddy. (exits SR with Neddy)

Marion

Come on Molly. I’ll contact King Richard on Skype and tell him what’s going on, and maybe he’ll return home early.

Molly

He will, if he wants to remain King.

They exit (SL)