Robin Hood And The Witches Of Sherwood

Scene One

Sherwood Village

Chorus are discovered onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Chester (SR)

CHESTER: Come along everybody – clear off before Prince John arrives! You know how he hates seeing the place being cluttered up with poor people.

CHORUS 1: Maybe we wouldn’t be poor if he didn’t keep taxing us so much.

CHORUS 2: I dread to think what would happen if he ever became King.

CHORUS 3: And the Sheriff is just as bad.

CHESTER: The Sheriff is only carrying out Prince John’s orders. Deep down, he’s really kind and loving.

CHORUS 4: Rubbish! The only thing the Sheriff loves, is Jailing people.

CHORUS 5: Not to mention, torturing them.

CHORUS 1: Stealing their money.

CHORUS 2: Burning down their homes.

CHORUS 3: One day he’ll get his just desserts.

CHESTER: Oh, goody. The Sheriff just loves desserts

CHORUS 4: Yes, but it won’t be the sweet squidgy sort.

CHORUS 5: Let’s go, everybody.

Exit Chorus (SR)

CHESTER: (to audience) Hiya folks! I’m Chester, the Sheriff’s lackey. (looks about and whispers) I hate working for him really. But I daren’t let on, or I might end up…(draws finger across neck)…keeeek! He became my boss when the Job Centre sent me on a job-placement. Working for him is really stressing me, and I constantly need cheering up. You know what’s coming next, don’t you? That’s right. Whenever I shout, Chester’s stressed! I want you all to shout back, cheer up Chester! Okay? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Chester’s stressed! (response) Fantastic!

Music cue 2: Enter Sheriff (SL)

SHERIFF: Chester!

CHESTER: Sheriff!

SHERIFF: Who were you talking too just now?

CHESTER: The audience, sire. I was just telling them what a wonderful person you are.

SHERIFF: It’s all true of course. Have you composed my love poem for Lady Marion yet?

CHESTER: I’m still working on it Sheriff.

SHERIFF: Well, hurry up about it. And don’t forget to mention my huge…attributes.

CHESTER: But Sheriff, Lady Marion’s just an innocent young girl.

SHERIFF: (winking and nudging) Yes, but not for long eh?

CHESTER: Is there something in your eye, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: (snaps) No, there isn’t! Tell her, that I look like a famous film star.

CHESTER: (aside to audience) Frankenstein.

SHERIFF: With the grace of a dancer. (dances woodenly)

CHESTER: (aside) A dancing elephant.

SHERIFF: And the strength of a huge stag.

CHESTER: (aside) Strength of a used teabag.

SHERIFF: Lady Marion’s loaded. And once we’re wed, I’ll get my hands on her assets.

CHESTER: I think that goes without saying. (nudging and winking) Eh, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: Yes, but I mainly mean her money.

CHESTER: And nobody deserves it more than you, sire.

SHERIFF: True. Though rather grovelling of you to say so.

CHESTER: I thought you liked people grovelling.

SHERIFF: Yes, but don’t overdo it. The poem must convince her of my undying lust – I mean, love.

CHESTER: Understood, Sheriff.

SHERIFF: My guards will be arriving later to collect taxes from those lazy good-for-nothing peasants. They’re on the pay as you burn scheme.

CHESTER: Don’t you mean, pay as you earn?

SHERIFF: No, pay as you burn. If they don’t pay up, I burn down their filthy homes!

CHESTER: That’s not very nice Sheriff.

SHERIFF: I didn’t get where I am today by being nice. My motto is ‘pay your taxes, on time, or do time’. My only problem is that blasted Robin Hood. He’s a thieving outlaw, and yet people talk about him as though he were a superhero. But I will rid myself of him, even if it means becoming even nastier! (evil laughing)

CHESTER: (joining in the laugh) Ha-ha-ha!

SHERIFF: Enough! I do the evil laughs around here! Now, go and woo Marion for me.

CHESTER: Consider her well and truly wooed, sire. (exits SR)

SHERIFF: And if that doesn’t work, I may be forced to use…(darkly)…the forces of darkness. (laughs) You can’t beat good old-fashioned evil. (exits SR)

Enter Marion and Molly (SL) Marion looks sad.

MOLLY: Is something the matter Lady Marion? You’re not your usual jolly self today.

MARION: I believe the Sheriff fancies me, Molly. And with my guardian King Richard, abroad. Who will protect me from his unwelcome advances?

MOLLY: I will protect you with my life, my Lady. If he tries it on with you, I’ll cut his ardour short. (swishes her sword)

MARION: Thanks Molly. But not even somebody with your sword skills, can take on the Sheriff and his guards. If only my mother were still alive – I do miss her so.

MOLLY: (elicits audience sympathy) Aaaah!

MARION: The way she used to cuddle me and whisper sweet words to me. (sighs) I can almost hear her saying…

NURSIE: (off) Get a move on you lazy pile of old bones!

MOLLY: That sounds nothing like your mum.

Enter Nursie (SR) walking backwards and pulling on a rope, leading off.

NURSIE: Shift yourself, you old nag! (to audience) I haven’t strained this much, since the day after taking part in a hard-boiled egg eating, contest. This is your last chance Neddy. Move it! (pulls – rope breaks and she falls over)

MARION: (helping Nursie up) Are you all right?

NURSIE: Yes, but I think I’ve bent my stethoscope. (takes out a bent stethoscope)

MOLLY: What is your name?

NURSIE: I’m Nurse Bedpan. (to audience) Listen boys and girls. Whenever I say, ‘hello boys and girls’, just shout ‘hello Nursie’ and we’ll get along just fine.

MOLLY: I’m Molly and this is Lady Marion.

NURSIE: (posh) Ooooh! (curtsying) One is pleased to meet one, your poshship!

MARION: How do you do, Nurse Bedpan.

NURSIE: Call me Nursie. Everybody does. Apart from certain gentlemen friends that is.

MOLLY: And what do they call you?

NURSIE: After eight – but that’s another story. And not one for a family panto.

MARION: What brings you to Nottingham, Nursie?

NURSIE: I’m desperate to get into a new position. (to audience) Stop it! I meant a job!

MOLLY: There’s a part-time teaching vacancy at…(local school)

NURSIE: No fear. Only a fool would be a teacher these days.

MARION: It pays well.

NURSIE: I’ll take it! Now I just need another part-time job.

MOLLY: What about helping me chaperone Lady Marion. She’s an orphan and the Sheriff’s trying to get his hands on her dowry.

NURSIE: I’ve not heard it called that before. (to Marion) Where is your legal guardian?

MARION: He’s currently fighting abroad.

NURSIE: England football supporter, is he?

MARION: No, he’s King Richard the Lionheart.

MOLLY: And Marion’s virtue is in danger, from the lecherous Sheriff.

NURSIE: Don’t worry dear, I’ll look after you. I know what it’s like being chased by men. Although I am having a few problems with my transport.

MOLLY: Have you lost your pensioner’s bus pass?

NURSIE: Cheek! I’m far too young for a bus pass! I meant my horse, Neddy. He’s refusing to come on because he’s pining for the seaside.

MARION: Why’s that then?

NURSIE: He used to give rides at Blackpool beach and misses it.

MOLLY: Maybe if we all sing ‘oh I do like to be beside the seaside’, it might encourage him to come on.

NURSIE: It’s worth a try, I suppose. After three then…three!

They sing, but Neddy fails to appear.

MARION: I think we need a bit more help.

MOLLY: Boys and girls. Will you all join in and help us persuade Neddy to come on?

MARION: After three. One…two…three! (leads) ‘oh I do like to be beside the seaside’…

Enter Neddy (SR) wearing kiss-me-quick hat and two large saddlebags.

NURSIE: There you are at last, Neddy.

MARION: Gosh, Nursie. What big bags you’ve got.

NURSIE: Yes, well I didn’t sleep much last night.

MOLLY: I think she means your saddlebags.

NURSIE: Oh yes, silly me. They’re full of my exclusive beauty products.

MARION: Are you an Avon rep?

NURSIE: No, but I’ll probably end up bigger than them. You see, I’ve invented this new perfume that makes you irresistible to men. Not that I need it myself, mind.

Enter Prince John staggering on (SR) dressed in his royal underwear.

PRINCE. J: Help! Help! (spots Nursie) Are you a nurse?

NURSIE: No, I’m a spot-welder.

PRINCE. J: I’m in desperate need.

NURSIE: Then you’re in luck. Desperate men are my speciality.

PRINCE. J: I suddenly feel faint.

NURSIE: My stunning beauty does tend to have that effect on most men.

PRINCE. J: Ooooh! (wavers and sinks slowly to the floor)

MOLLY: Do you have any smelling salts, Nursie?

NURSIE: No, but I’ll try this instead. (holds a small bottle under Prince John’s nose)

PRINCE. J: (splutters and jumps to his feet) Phwoar! What’s in that bottle?

NURSIE: It’s my latest perfume creation. I call it, Twice Nightly.

PRINCE. J: (wafting) Wearing that, you’ll be lucky if it’s once yearly.

NURSIE: Who are you anyway?

PRINCE. J: I’m Prince John.

MARION: Prince John! I didn’t recognise you without your royal clothes on.

MOLLY: I’d be shocked if you did, Lady Marion.

PRINCE. J: (indicating Nursie) Still mixing with commoners I see, Lady Marion.

NURSIE: At least I don’t go around in public, dressed in my underwear

PRINCE. J: And we’re all very grateful, believe me.

NURSIE: What are you doing in the woods in just your underwear? Or shouldn’t I ask?

PRINCE. J: Robin Hood and his gang of outlaws ambushed my entourage, in Sherwood Forest and stole all my gold and jewels. They even took my royal clothes, and said they were going to give them to smelly peasants. (pointing at audience) Like them down there. Then they left me all alone, in the dark spooky forest.

MARION: Don’t tell me you’re scared of the dark.

PRINCE. J: Of course, not! But I’ve heard there are witches in Sherwood Forest.

NURSIE: There are no such things as witches. (cackles off) But I could be wrong.

PRINCE. J: Witches! Help! Mummy! (exits at a run SL)

MOLLY: What a Princely coward! And he thinks he can take the place of King Richard!

MARION: The sooner King Richard returns and puts him in his place, the better.

NURSIE: I second that. Now, if you’ll point me in the direction of the school, I’ll be off.

MARION: (pointing SL) It’s straight down that way, Nursie. You can’t miss it.

MOLLY: Unlike most of the pupils.

NURSIE: Thank you. Come along Neddy. (exits SL with Neddy)

MARION: Let’s return to the village and try out that new upmarket coffee shop, Molly.

MOLLY: You mean Latte-da?

MARION: That’s the one.

Exit Marion and Molly (SL)

Enter Robin strolling on (SR) studying a newspaper crossword.

ROBIN: Three across. What a person needs most. (to audience) Hello! My name’s, Robin Hood. I’m just doing a crossword in the Nottingham Gazette, and I’m stuck on three across.

Enter Merry Men (SL) Alan-a-dale carries a lute.

Ah, men! I’m glad you’re here because I need a bit of help.

L. JOHN: Is it a robbin’ job, Robin?

ROBIN: No, Little John. I’m doing a crossword and I’m stuck on three across.

WILL: If it’s a movie question, I’m your man.

ROBIN: It’s not a movie question, Will.

ALAN: I’m good at music, Robin.

L. JOHN: Apart from playing it, that is.

ROBIN: It’s not a music question Alan.

TUCK: What’s the clue then, Robin?

ROBIN: The clue is ‘what a person needs most’ – four letters.

TUCK: Beer! Or it could be wine. Anything alcoholic, really – hic!

ALAN: I’ve got it! What a person needs most, is love!

ROBIN: Of course! That would explain why I’m not completely happy with my life.

WILL: Is there anything we can do to make you happy Robin?

ROBIN: (hand on Will’s shoulder) Love, Will! I need love!

WILL: (removes Robin’s hand) Sorry Robin, you’re not my type.

L. JOHN: Why don’t we rob some rich merchant, Robin? That always cheers you up.

ROBIN: I suppose it might take my mind of things for a bit. Very well, let’s go robbing.

Exit Robin and Men (SL)