Robin Hood And The Witches Of Sherwood

Scene One

Sherwood Village

Villagers are discovered onstage. Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…

Enter Chester (SR)

Chester Come on you lot! Clear off before Prince John arrives! You know how much he hates seeing the place being cluttered up with poor people.

Villager 1 Maybe if he didn’t keep taxing us so much, we wouldn’t be poor.

Villager 2 I dread to think what would happen if he ever became King.

Villager 3 And the Sheriff’s just as bad.

Chester The Sheriff only carries out Prince John’s orders. Deep down, he’s kind and loving.

Villager 4 The only thing the Sheriff loves, is himself.

Chester That’s not true. He loves lots of things, like…

Villager 5…Jailing people.

Villager 1 Torturing them.

Villager 2 Stealing their money.

Villager 3 Burning down their homes.

Villager 4 One day he’ll get what he deserves.

Villager 5 And it won’t be what he expects, either.

Chester Oh, goody. The Sheriff loves surprises.

Villager 1 Let’s go, everybody.

Exit Villagers (SR)

Chester (to audience) Hiya folks! I’m Chester, the Sheriff’s lackey. (looks about and whispers) I hate working for him really. But I daren’t let on or I might end up…(draws finger across neck)…keeeek! He became my boss when the Job Centre sent me to a job-placement, on a zero hours’ contract. I thought that meant I didn’t have to turn up for work. But it doesn’t work like that, apparently. I once tried quitting, but he said if I did, he’d see to it that I never worked again. I thought, that’s all right I’m used to not working. But then he explained that I wouldn’t be breathing either. Working for him is really stressing me, and I constantly need cheering up. You know what’s coming next, don’t you? That’s right. Whenever I shout, Chester’s stressed! I want you all to shout back, cheer up Chester! Okay? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Chester’s stressed! (response) Fantastic!

Music cue 2: Enter Sheriff (SL)

Sheriff Chester!

Chester (startled) Sheriff!

Sheriff Who were you talking too just now?

Chester The audience, sire. I was just telling them what a wonderful person you are.

Sheriff (peering out) Did you all pay to get in? Well, you’ll have to pay double to get out. Have you composed my love poem for Lady Marion yet, Chester?

Chester I’m still working on it.

Sheriff Well, hurry up about it. And don’t forget to mention my huge…attributes.

Chester But Sheriff, she’s just an innocent young girl.

Sheriff (winking and nudging) Yes, but not for long eh?

Chester Is there something in your eye, Sheriff?

Sheriff (snaps) No, there isn’t! Tell her, that I look like a famous film star.

Chester (aside to audience) Frankenstein.

Sheriff With the grace of a dancer. (dances woodenly)

Chester (aside) A dancing elephant.

Sheriff And the strength of a huge stag.

Chester (aside) Strength of a used teabag.

Sheriff Lady Marion’s loaded. And once we’re wed, I’ll get my hands on her assets.

Chester I think that goes without saying. (nudging and winking) Eh, Sheriff?

Sheriff Yes, but I mainly mean, her money.

Chester And nobody deserves it more than you, sire.

Sheriff True. Though rather grovelling of you to say so.

Chester But I thought you liked people grovelling.

Sheriff Yes, but don’t overdo it. The poem must convince her of my undying lust…er…love.

Chester Understood, Sheriff.

Sheriff My guards will be arriving later, to collect taxes from those lazy good-for-nothing peasants. They’re on the pay as you burn, scheme.

Chester Don’t you mean, pay as you earn?

Sheriff No, pay as you burn. If they don’t pay up, I burn down their homes. (laughs)

Chester (joining in the laugh) Ha-ha-ha!

Sheriff Enough! I do the evil laughs around here! Now, go and woo Marion for me.

Chester Consider her well and truly wooed, sire. (exits SR)

Sheriff (to audience) And if that doesn’t work, I may be forced to use…(darkly)…the forces of darkness. (laughs) You can’t beat good old-fashioned evil. (exits SR)

Enter Marion and Layla (SL) Marion looks sad.

Layla Is something troubling you, Lady Marion? You’re not your usually happy self today.

Marion I believe the Sheriff fancies me, Layla. And with my guardian King Richard, abroad. Who will protect me from his unwelcome advances?

Layla I will protect you with my life, Lady Marion. (raises her sword)

Marion Thanks Layla. But not even somebody with your sword skills, can take on the Sheriff and his guards. If only my mother were still around. I really miss her, Layla.

Layla (elicits audience sympathy) Aaaah!

Marion The way she used to cuddle me tight…(cuddles herself)…and whisper sweet words to me. (sighs) I can almost hear her now.

Nursie (off) Get a move on you, lazy pile of old bones!

Layla That sounds nothing like your mum.

Enter Nursie (SR) walking backwards and pulling on a rope.

Nursie Shift yourself, you old nag! (to audience) I haven’t strained this much, since the day after taking part in a hard-boiled egg eating, contest. (to wing) Right, this is your last chance Neddy. Heave! (pulls, rope breaks and falls down)

Marion (helping Nursie up) Are you all right?

Nursie Yes, but I think I’ve bent my stethoscope. (takes out a bent stethoscope)

Layla What’s your name?

Nursie I’m Nurse Bedpan.

Layla I’m Layla and this is Lady Marion.

Nursie (posh) Ooooh! (curtsying to Marion) One is pleased to meet one, your poshship!

Marion How do you do Nurse Bedpan?

Nursie Call me, Nursie. Everybody does. Apart from certain gentlemen friends that is.

Marion And what do they call you?

Nursie After eight. But that’s another story. Excuse me one moment. (to audience) Hello boys and girls! (response) Just shout hello Nursie! Whenever I say hello boys and girls, and we’ll get along just fine. (to Marion) Do carry on, your flagship.

Marion What brings you to Nottingham, Nursie?

Nursie I’m desperate to get into a new position. (to audience) Oh, stop it! I meant a job.

Layla There’s a part-time teaching vacancy at…(local school)

Nursie No thanks. Only an idiot, would be a teacher these days.

Marion It pays well.

Nursie I’ll take it! Now I just need another part-time job.

Layla What about helping me, chaperone Lady Marion. She’s an orphan and the Sheriff’s trying to get his hands on her dowry.

Nursie I’ve not heard it called that before. (to Marion) Don’t you have anybody else to chaperone you, your apprenticeship?

Marion No, Nursie. My legal guardian is fighting abroad.

Nursie England football supporter, is he?

Marion No, he’s King Richard the Lionheart.

Layla And Marion’s virtue is in danger, from the lecherous Sheriff.

Marion He’ll pursue anything in a dress.

Nursie (eyes light up) Really!? Don’t worry dear, I’ll look after you. I know what it’s like to be pursued by men. Although I’m having a few problems with my transport.

Layla Have you lost your pensioner’s bus pass?

Nursie (snaps) I don’t have a bus pass! I meant my horse, Neddy. He used to work at Blackpool beach and is missing the seaside. And he’s refusing to come on.

Marion Is there anything we can do to help?

Layla Maybe if we all sing, oh I do like to be beside the seaside, it might make him feel more at home and persuade him to come on.

Nursie It’s worth a try, I suppose. After three…three!

They sing, but Neddy fails to appear.

Marion I think we need a bit more help.

Layla Boys and girls. Will you all join in and help us persuade Neddy to come on?

Marion After three. One…two…three!

Enter Neddy (SR) wearing a kiss-me-quick hat and carrying two large saddlebags on his back.

Nursie There you are at last, Neddy.

Marion Gosh, Nursie. What big bags you’ve got.

Nursie Yes, well I didn’t sleep much last night.

Layla I think she meant, your saddlebags.

Nursie Oh yes, silly me. They’re full of my exclusive beauty products.

Marion Are you an Avon rep?

Nursie No, but I’ll probably end up bigger than them. You see, I’ve invented this new perfume that makes you irresistible to men. Not that I need it myself, mind.

Enter Prince John staggering on (SR) dressed in his royal underwear.

Prince. J Help! Help! (spots Nursie) Are you a nurse?

Nursie (sarcastic) No, I’m a spot-welder.

Prince. J I’m in desperate need.

Nursie Then you’re in luck. Desperate men are my speciality.

Prince. J I suddenly feel faint.

Nursie I do tend to have that effect on most men.

Prince. J Ooooh! (wavers and sinks slowly to the floor)

Layla Do you have any smelling salts, Nursie?

Nursie No, I haven’t. (produces a perfume bottle) Try this instead.

Layla holds the bottle under Prince John’s nose.

Prince. J (splutters and jumps to his feet) Phwoar! What’s in that bottle?

Nursie It’s my latest perfume creation. I call it, Twice Nightly.

Prince. J (wafting) Wearing that, you’ll be lucky.

Marion (to Prince. J) What’s your name?

Prince. J I am Prince John.

Marion Prince John!? I didn’t recognise you without your royal clothes on.

Layla I’d be shocked if you did, Lady Marion.

Prince. J (indicating Nursie) Still mixing with commoners I see, Lady Marion.

Nursie At least I don’t go around in public, in just my underwear

Prince. J And we’re all very grateful, believe me.

Layla Why is your highness in his underwear? Or shouldn’t we ask?

Prince. J I was on my way to Nottingham Castle, when Robin Hood and his gang of outlaws ambushed my entourage, in Sherwood Forest.

Nursie And where is your entourage now?

Prince. J My cowardly guards fled, and the outlaws stole all my gold and jewels. They even took my royal clothes, and said they were going to give them to nasty, smelly peasants. (pointing at audience) People just like them down there. Then they left me all alone, in the dark spooky forest.

Marion Don’t tell me you’re scared of the dark.

Prince. J Of course, not! But I’ve heard that there are witches in Sherwood Forest.

Nursie There are no such things as witches. (witch cackles off) Although I could be wrong.

Prince. J Witches! Help! Mummy! (exits at a run SL)

Nursie What a Princely coward! (laughs)

Layla And he hopes to replace brave King Richard, as King of England?

Marion The sooner King Richard returns and puts him in his place, the better.

Nursie I second that. Now, if you’ll point me in the direction of the school. I’ll be on my way.

Marion (pointing SL) It’s that way, Nursie. You can’t miss it.

Layla Unlike most of the pupils.

Nursie Thank you. Come along Neddy. (exits SL with Neddy)

Marion I’ll text King Richard and tell him what’s going on, and maybe he’ll return home.

Layla He will if he wants to remain King.

Marion Come on Layla.

Exit Marion and Layla (SL)

Enter Robin strolling on (SR) studying a newspaper crossword.

Robin Three across. What a person needs most. (spots audience) Hello there! My name’s, Robin Hood. I’m just doing a crossword in the Nottingham Post and I’m stuck on three across.

Enter Merry Men (SL) Alan-a-dale carries a lute.

Robin Ah, men. I’m glad you’re here. I have a little job for you.

Little John Are we going robbin’, Robin?

Robin No, Little John. I’m doing a crossword and I’m stuck on three across.

Will Scarlett I’m good on movie questions, Robin.

Robin It’s not a movie question, Will.

Alan-a-dale I’m good at music, Robin.

Little John Apart from playing it, that is.

Robin It’s not a music question Alan.

Friar Tuck What’s the clue then, Robin?

Robin The clue is what a person needs most. Four letters.

Friar Tuck Beer! Or it could be wine. Anything alcoholic, really. Hic!

Alan-a-dale I’ve got it! Love! What a person needs most, is love!

Robin Of course! That would explain why I’m not completely happy, with my life.

Will Scarlett You lead the exciting life of an outlaw, Robin. What else could you possibly need, to make you happy?

Robin (hands on Will’s shoulders – looks intently in his eyes) I need some love, Will.

Will Scarlett I’m sorry Robin, but you’re just not my type.

Little John Why don’t we go and rob some rich merchant, Robin? That’ll soon cheer you up.

Robin I suppose it might take my mind of things for a bit. Very well then, let’s go robbing.

Exit all (SL)