Robin Hood And The Babes In The Wood (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Square

Curtains open and Villagers are discovered onstage. Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Marion enters (SR) and moves to centre stage. Villagers move forward and split into two groups either side of her.

Marion

(cheerily) Good morning everyone!

Villager 1

Good morning Lady Marion!

Marion
It’s wonderful to see everybody enjoying themselves for once.

Villager 2

Yes, but it won’t last long. As soon as the Sheriff comes to collect the taxes, we’ll all be miserable again.

Villagers

(variously) Yes! That’s true! The old misery guts!

Villager 3

He barely leaves us enough to live on.

Villager 4

My kids have eaten nothing but porridge for months.

Villager 5

My kids are dressed in rags.

Villager 1

My kids haven’t any shoes.

Villager 2

My kids have eaten their shoes!

Marion

Cheer up everyone, all is not doom and gloom.

Villager 3

Have you some good news to cheer us up Marion?

Marion

Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Villager 4

What’s the bad news?

Marion

Prince John and Queen Arachnid are coming here today on a royal visit.

Villagers groan.

Villager 5

And what’s the good news?

Marion

Robin Hood is planning an ambush.

Villager

(cheer) Hooray!

Villager 1

If anyone can help us, it’s Robin.

Villager 2

He’s our only hope.

Villager 3

(looks to wing) Look out!  Pokem, the Sheriff’s idiot sidekick is coming!

Villager 4

He’s probably going to announce yet another tax rise.

Pokem enters (SL)

Pokem

Listen up you peasants! The Sheriff has decided that the insignificant amount of taxes you pay, are to be increased as from today.

Villager 5

But he already taxes us to the hilt.

Pokem

Rubbish! It’s ages since your taxes went up.

Villager 1

They went up last week!

Pokem

Exactly! Ages ago. (sees Marion) Lady Marion! What are you doing associating with these…peasants?

Marion

I was just showing the villagers how to greet the royal party when they arrive. I want to make sure they get the reception they so richly deserve. (winks at Villagers)

Pokem

I’m sure their majesties will appreciate your devotion to duty, Marion.

Sheriff

(shouts off) Pokem!

Villager 2

(exclaims) It’s the Sheriff!

Marion joins the Villagers.

Sheriff enters (SL)

Pokem

Three cheers for the Sheriff! Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip…

Sheriff

…They aren’t cheering, Pokem.

Pokem

Yes sire. (poking the Villagers) Take that and that and…

Sheriff

…What are you doing?

Pokem

Poking them like you asked sire.

Sheriff

(beats Pokem) You, are a blithering idiot!

Pokem

Yes sire, thank you sire, you’re too kind sire. All together now. (conducts Villagers)  For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow. For he’s…

Sheriff

(bawls at Pokem)…Shut up!

Pokem

Yes sire at once sire, your wish is my command sire…

Sheriff

…I command you to shut up!

Pokem

Shutting up sire.

Sheriff

Have you told the peasants about the new tax rises?

Pokem

Yes sire.

Villager 3

We can’t afford to pay any more taxes.

Sheriff

Well if you don’t pay your taxes on time, you’ll be hit with a late payment charge.

Marion

(to Sheriff) Don’t you ever give a thought to the poor, Sheriff?

Sheriff    
The poor are constantly on my mind. Which is why I have to collect more taxes for ‘poor’ Prince John. (to Pokem) And what about that lot down there? (indicates audience) Have you collected their taxes yet?

Pokem

But they’re only here to see the show, sire.

Sheriff

That’s no excuse! (to audience) Have you all paid your taxes? (audience react) (to Pokem) See that all the doors are locked and don’t let them out until they’ve paid.

Pokem

You don’t suppose they’re working for…the hooded one, sire?

Sheriff

‘Batman’?

Pokem

No, sire! Robin Hood!

Sheriff

I’d better ask them. (goes downstage) Well? Are you all working for Robin Hood? (audience respond) Make up your minds!

Pokem    
They obviously have something to hide.

Sheriff    
You may be right, Pokem.

Pokem

Right’o. (goes downstage)

Sheriff

Where are you going?

Pokem

To poke them, sire.

Sheriff

What for?

Pokem

I thought you wanted me to.

Sheriff  
Don’t think Pokem, it only gives you headaches.

Pokem

No, it doesn’t! (Sheriff bops him on the head) Owah! Yes, it does.

Villagers laugh.

Sheriff    
(to Villagers) Listen up you rabble. Your measly taxes have been trebled as of now. It was going to be quadrupled, but I’m feeling in a good mood today.

Villager 4 
(to others) If he’s like that when he’s in a good mood, I’d hate to see him in a bad mood.

Sheriff
And that’s exactly what you will see, if you keep protecting that thieving outlaw Robin Hood! Now when are you going to hand him over?

Villagers

Never! (all chant) Robin! Robin!

Sheriff

Silence! I will make you all pay for this insurrection.

Villager 5

Don’t tell me you’re taxing that as well?

Pokem
(aside to Sheriff) Why don’t we offer a reward for Robin Hood, sire?

Sheriff  
I don’t want to reward him!

Pokem

No sire, I mean offer a reward for information leading to his capture. The peasants are so poor that somebody’s bound to dob him in.

Sheriff

Good idea, Pokem. And we can always get the money back by way of a reward tax. (to Villagers) Listen up peasants! Your kind hearted and generous Sheriff has decided to offer one hundred gold crowns, for information leading to the capture of the outlaw Robin Hood. But this is a time-limited offer. I want him handed in by the end of the week, or I will have your dirty stinking hovels burnt to the ground! Get it?…Got it?…Good! (to Pokem) Let’s go Pokem.

Pokem

Now, sire?

Sheriff

Now what?

Pokem

Shall we poke ‘em now?

Sheriff    
I’ll poke you in a minute!

Sheriff beats and kicks Pokem off stage and they exit (SL)

Marion

(to Villagers) One hundred gold crowns is a fortune to poor peasants. It will be very tempting for someone to snitch on Robin.

Villager 1

We’d never betray Robin. (to others) Would we?

Villagers    
No!

Marion

Robin’s lucky to have so many loyal friends.

Villager 2

And Robin’s lucky to have you Lady Marion. But how do you know if he really loves you?

Marion


Music cue 2: Marion and Villagers. After song ends…Come on everybody. Let’s find Robin and tell him what’s happened.

All exit (SR)

Hayrick enters (SL)

Hayrick

Hiya kids! (audience respond) I can see I’m going to have to train you lot up, so here’s the deal. My name’s Hayrick and whenever I come on and say ‘hiya kids’ I want you all to shout back, ‘hiya Hayrick’! As loudly as you can. Will you do that? (audience respond) Great. Now can you all keep a secret? (audience respond) Right, well I’m the official lookout for Robin Hood and his Merry Men. And it’s a very important job, because they’re the only ones who can help the villagers fight against the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John. But they could do with a few more volunteers. ‘Ere, I’ve just had a great idea. How would you all like to join Robin Hood’s gang? (audience respond) I can’t hear you. Would you all like to join Robin’s gang? Wonderful! Now before you can become a member, you all must swear. Hang on, that can’t be right. I’ll just check my membership card. (takes out card and studies it) Silly me. It says you must ‘swear an oath’. Now who wants a card? (audience react – goes down and hands out cards and returns to the stage) Okay, now raise your right hand and repeat after me. ‘We promise to always cheer Robin Hood and to always boo the Sheriff of Nottingham. (they do this) Okay you can all put your hands down now. Unless you need the loo. In which case, it’s through the back door and first on the left. Oh, I almost forgot. We also have a secret password, but I’ll have to whisper it to you in case anyone hears. It’s…(stage whisper)…‘Pink Tights’ What’s the password? (audience shout) Ssssh! We don’t want the Sheriff to hear it.

Nursie 
(off) Tyson!

Hayrick

It sounds like Nursie’s lost her dog again. Mind you I don’t blame it for always running away, I think I’d do the same if I had a mistress like her. I think I’d better scarper, too. Nursie seems to be under the illusion that I fancy her. It all happened when the Sheriff told her she wasn’t fit to live with pigs and I said she was. The silly old fool took it as a compliment and has been trying to get her paws on me ever since.

Nursie

(off) Tyson!

Hayrick

(to audience) I’m off. If Nursie asks, you haven’t seen me, right? (exits SL)

Nursie enters (SR)

Nursie

Tyson! Where are you? Come to Nursie, you bad boy. (sees audience) Oh hello! I didn’t realise we’d already started. I’m sorry I’m late, only I’ve lost my little doggie you see. You haven’t seen him, have you? (audience respond) Well if you do, will you give me a shout? Actually, you could help me call him now if you like. Will you do that? (audience respond) Oh you are kind. Now I’ll count to three and then I want everybody to shout ‘Tyson’ at the tops of your voices. Ready. One…two…three. Tyson! (shouts at audience) Louder! Tyson!

Music cue 3: Tyson runs in (SR) jumps at Nursie’s back bowling her over before running off (SL)

Nursie

Bad boy, Tyson!

Nursie staggers to her feet and bends down to pick up her hat and Tyson runs in (SL)and hits her rear sending her sprawling again and then runs off (SR)

Nursie

(shouts) Tyson! Come back here at once, or I’ll cut off your meaty chunks!

Tyson runs on (SR) and fusses over the sitting Nursie.

Nursie

Gerroff! It took me hours to put this make-up on. (to audience) Who said I needed it? (stands) I’m afraid Tyson’s a little over excited. You see it’s his birthday today and I promised he could have his very own lamppost put up on the patio. But he’s a very clever dog you know. Why don’t you show everyone your party trick, Tyson?

Tyson goes downstage and cocks his leg at the audience.

Nursie

Not that one! I meant your song and dance routine. Music cue 4: Tyson and Nursie. After song ends…Tyson bows. Well done, Tyson.

Tyson continues bowing.

Nursie

That’s enough now, Tyson.

Tyson continues bowing.

Nursie

I said, ‘that’s enough’! Who’s the star of this show anyway?

Tyson points to himself.

Nursie

How would you like to pay a visit to the vet’s?

Tyson covers his vunerables with his paws.

Nursie

(to audience) Now allow me to introduce myself. My name’s ‘Nurse Nora’ but you can call me ‘Nursie’, and I work in Nottingham Castle. That’s because I’m Nanny to King Richard’s children Rosie and Jim, which makes them Prince John’s Nephew and Niece. And he’s left them in the care of the Sheriff of Nottingham, because his wife has some sort of allergy to children. It’s more complicated than an Eastenders plot, isn’t it? But Rosie and Jim are smashing kids. Which reminds me. I wonder where they are. You haven’t you seen them, have you? (audience respond – to Tyson) Tyson! Go and find the babes and fetch them here.

Tyson nods and moves around stage, sniffing.

Nursie

(to audience) Tyson’s one-tenth bloodhound, you know. The other nine tenths are anybody’s guess.

Tyson barks and runs off (SL)

Nursie

There he goes! Off like a greyhound on steroids!

Music cue 5: Tyson shepherds the Babes on (SL)

Nursie

Well done Tyson. (to Babes) Where have you kids been?

Rosie

We’ve been letting down the tyres on the Sheriff’s coach, Nursie.

Nursie

Oh, you naughty babes. I don’t know where you get such ideas.

Jim

(passes a penknife to Nursie) Here’s your penknife back, Nursie.

Nursie

(sheepish) Ahem! I wondered where that had gone. Well now you’re here, why don’t you say hello to everybody?

Both
(wave to audience) Hello everybody!

Rosie

Can we go and play in the woods, Nursie?

Nursie

Certainly not!

Rosie  
But why not?

Nursie    
Because everybody knows the woods are haunted, that’s why. Besides, if you went in there we’d have to have a big scene with ghosts and ghoulies and such like. Now I’m sure the audience don’t mind seeing a couple of ghosts…

Babes

…But Nursie!

Nursie

Never mind ‘but Nursie’ Your father has charged me with looking after you little minxes.

Jim

I thought he was ‘paying’ you, not ‘charging’ you.

Nursie

Well I don’t think I’m charging him enough actually. Now come along kids, it’s time you were back at the castle. Say goodbye to all our friends. (indicate audience)

Babes

(wave to audience) Goodbye friends!

Nursie

You too Tyson. You must be dog-tired after all that dancing. (to audience) ‘Dog-tired’? Oh, please yourselves.

Tyson waves his paw and they all exit (DSL)

Marion and Villagers enter (USL) ‘chatting’ as they go.

Hayrick runs on (SR)

Hayrick

(excitedly) Robin’s coming! Robin’s coming! (to audience) Now don’t forget to cheer. Music cue 6:

Robin enters (SR) and moves to centre stage.

Villagers

Hooray for Robin! (Hayrick moves beside Robin and the Villagers move forward and split to either side of them)

Robin

What a wonderful greeting! (to Villagers) And how are you all this fine morning?

Villager 1

Not very good Robin. The Sheriff has just trebled our taxes.

Villager 2

And threatened to burn down our homes if we don’t pay up.

Robin

The swine!

Villager 3

And he’s offered a reward of one hundred gold crowns for someone to dob you in.

Robin    
Only one hundred. I’m deeply offended. I must be worth at least a thousand.

Villager 4

We wouldn’t grass on you for any amount of money, Robin.

Robin

Why thank you. It warms my heart to see such loyalty.

Villager 5

Although we don’t know how much longer we can survive the Sheriff’s tax rises.

Robin

Fear not good people. The Sheriff’s tyranny will soon be at an end.

Villagers

Hooray!

Villager 1

Are you going to attack Nottingham Castle with your men, Robin?

Robin

My merry men are brave enough all right. But there aren’t enough of us to attack Nottingham Castle. In fact, we could do with a few more recruits.

Hayrick

It’s funny you should mention that Robin, ‘cos I’ve just signed this lot up. (indicates audience)

Robin

(goes downstage and peers out) My, what a fine-looking bunch. But are you sure they’re brave enough to join my gang, Hayrick?

Hayrick

Well they were brave enough to buy tickets for this show.

Robin

That is brave.

Hayrick

And they know the secret password and everything.

Robin    
I’m afraid the secret password’s been changed Hayrick.

Hayrick

Why, what was wrong with it?

Robin

Little John wasn’t too happy about using ‘pink tights’.

Hayrick

I knew you shouldn’t have let Will Scarlet pick it. All right then, tell me the new password Robin.

Robin

Okey-dokey.

Hayrick

Go on then.

Robin   
Okey-dokey!

Hayrick

I’m waiting.

Robin

Okey-dokey!!

Hayrick

Are you going to tell me the new password or not, Robin?

Robin    
The new password is ‘okey-dokey’!

Hayrick

Oh, I see! Well I suppose it’s better than ‘pink tights’. (to audience & Villagers) What’s the new password?

Aud & Vill

Okey-dokey!

Hayrick

Well done.

Marion

Prince John and his guards will be arriving any minute now to collect taxes, Robin.

Robin

Yes, and me and my merry men have arranged a welcoming party for them.

Marion

(looks about) Where are your men, Robin?

Robin

They’re waiting for a blow on my horn. I’ll just get it out. (takes out a hunting horn, and blows) Music cue 7:

Merry Men enter (SR) they stand in line and step forward as Robin introduces them.

Robin  
Alan-a-dale!

Villagers

Hooray!

Alan-a-dale strums on his lute. Music cue 8:

Alan-a-dale

What do you think of my latest tune, Robin?

Robin

It’ll never catch on, Alan.

Alan-a-dale

(downbeat) Oh, sh…erbet-dabs.

Robin

Little John, the toughest outlaw of them all!

Villagers

Hooray!

Little John
(bellows) I eat three Shredded Wheat for breakfast!

Robin    
Will Scarlet!

Will Scarlet

(tugging at his tights) These woollen tights don’t half itch, Robin. I said we should have ordered them in Lycra.

Alan-a-dale

Will’s been a bit grumpy ever since he laddered his best tights, earlier.

Will Scarlet

(to audience) The outdoor life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be you know.

Robin

And last but not least, Friar Tuck!

Villagers

Hooray!

Friar Tuck

Greetings, brothers and sisters! Music cue 9:

Hayrick

The royal party are coming!

Villagers

Let’s get out of here!

Hayrick and Villagers exit (SR)

Robin

To your positions men.

Robin and Merry Men hide behind bushes (USR)

Sheriff and Pokem enter (SL)

Pokem

Make way for their Royal Majesties, Prince John and Queen Arachnid! Out of the way peasants! (realises there’s nobody around) There’s no one here sire.

Sheriff
And a good job too. Their majesties can’t stand common people getting under their royal feet.

Pokem

But won’t they get annoyed if no one cheers them sire?

Sheriff

You’re right Pokem. They’re used to spontaneous adulation, even if it is produced at the point of a sword. This lot…(indicate audience)…will have to cheer them instead.

Pokem

But what if they won’t, sire?

Sheriff

Leave it to me. (to audience) Listen, you snotty little nose-wipes! Prince John and Queen Arachnid will be here soon and I want you to cheer them when they enter. And if anybody dares boo, I’ll have them stretched on the rack during the interval. Music cue 10:

Prince John and Queen Arachnid enter (SL) followed by Guards carrying a large treasure chest.

Pokem

(to audience) Three cheers for their majesties. Hip-hip…hooray! Hip-hip…(to Sheriff) They’re not cheering, Sheriff!

Sheriff

They’ll be cheering on the other side of their faces, if their majesties hear them not cheering.

Arachnid

(holds a handkerchief to her nose) Uggh! What’s that horrible smell?

Prince. J

(indicating audience) It’s all those commoners down there dear.

Arachnid

Uggh! Even in the dark they look horrible.

Prince. J

That’s because they are horrible, dearest.

Arachnid

And what are all those…smaller ones?

Prince. J

They look like children to me.

Arachnid

(grimaces) I hate children! They remind me of your wretched Nephew and Niece.

Prince. J

You mean Richard’s brats?

Arachnid

Yes, and they’re horrible too.

Prince. J

Indeed, they are. They also stand between me and the crown of England.

Arachnid

Then don’t you think it’s time we got rid of them?

Prince. J

All in good time my dear. Meanwhile let’s get some lovely loot out of this…(indicates audience)…horrible lot. They all look filthy rich.

Arachnid

(leers at audience) Well they certainly look ‘filthy’.

Robin and Merry Men appear behind them. Robin sneaks up on Pokem and taps him on the shoulder.

Pokem
(turns and exclaims) Robin Hood!

A brief fight ensues between the Guards and Robin and his men.

SFX: Sound of sword-fighting – clashing swords.

The Guards eventually turn tail and run off.

Arachnid

This is an outrage!

Alan-a-dale

So is your face.

Arachnid

How dare you!  (to Prince John) Well? Aren’t you going to defend my honour?

Prince. J

(timidly) Best not annoy them dear, they might turn nasty.

Robin

We leave being nasty to the Sheriff.

Little John opens the chest and holds up gold and jewels.

Little John

Look Robin!

Arachnid

Take your hands of my baubles!

Little John

I wouldn’t touch your baubles with an extra-long barge pole.

Robin

How kind of you to deliver the villager’s tax rebate personally, Prince John.

Prince. J

How dare you! I am King…in all but the legal sense. Kneel before me insolent wretch!

Robin

I bow the knee to none but good King Richard.

Arachnid

You’ll pay for this!

Friar Tuck

(taps the chest with his sword) Me-thinks ‘you’ve’ just paid for it.

Robin and Merry Men laugh.

Prince. J

I’ll get even with you Hood, if it’s the last thing I ever do.

Little John
(points his sword him) Hold your tongue or it’ll be the last thing you ever say!

Sheriff

If you’re going to kill us, then get on with it! We’d rather die with dignity than live like cowards.

Prince. J

You speak for yourself Sheriff.

Robin

(to Sheriff) Unlike you Sheriff, I don’t kill people in cold blood. Now be off with you. (slaps Sheriff on the bottom with his sword)

Merry Men laugh.

Sheriff

(menacingly to Robin) We shall meet again Hood.

Robin

I look forward to it Sheriff. Especially if it turns out to be as profitable as this meeting. (to Merry Men) Eh lads?

Merry Men

Aye Robin! (all laugh)

The Sheriff and the Royal Party exit (SL)

Robin

Well men, another day in our struggle against tyranny ends in victory. But the fight will not be over until King Richard returns to England’s shores. And whilst we wait for that happy hour, we shall continue to uphold justice and defend the poor. With our hearts!

Merry Men

(cheer) Our hearts!

Robin

Our minds!

Merry Men

(cheer) Our minds!

Robin

Our souls!

Merry Men

(cheer loudly) Our souls!

Music cue 11: Robin and Men. After song ends…Now let us away to our hideout, in Sherwood Forest!

Tuck and Scarlet pick up the chest and all exit (SR)