Robin Hood And The Babes In The Wood (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Square

Curtains open and Villagers are discovered onstage. Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…

Enter Marion (SR) she moves downstage and Villagers split to either side of her.

Marion Good morning everyone!

Villager 1 Good morning Lady Marion!

Marion It’s wonderful to see everybody enjoying themselves for a change.

Villager 2 Yes, but once the Sheriff comes to collect our taxes, we’ll all be miserable again.

Villager 3 He barely leaves us enough to live on.

Villager 4 My kids have eaten nothing but porridge for months.

Villager 5 My kids are dressed in rags.

Villager 1 My kids haven’t any shoes.

Villager 2 My kids have eaten their shoes.

Marion Cheer up everyone, all is not doom and gloom.

Villager 3 Have you got some good news for us, Marion?

Marion Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Villager 4 What’s the bad news, Marion?

Marion Prince John and Queen Arachnid are coming here today.

Villagers groan.

Villager 5 And what’s the good news?

Marion Robin Hood is planning an ambush!

Villagers Hooray!

Villager 1 If anybody can help us, it’s Robin.

Villager 2 He’s our only hope.

Villager 3 (looks SL) Look out! Pokem, the Sheriff’s idiot sidekick is coming!

Villager 4 He’s probably going to announce yet another tax rise.

Enter Pokem (SL)

Pokem Listen up peasants! The Sheriff has decided that the insignificant amount of taxes you pay, are to be increased as from today.

Villager 5 But he already taxes us to the hilt!

Pokem Nonsense. It’s ages since your taxes went up.

Villager 1 They went up last week!

Pokem Exactly! Ages ago. Lady Marion! What are you doing associating with these peasants?

Marion I was just showing the villagers how to greet the royal party when they arrive. I want to make sure they get the reception they so richly deserve.

Pokem I’m sure their majesties will appreciate that, Lady Marion.

Sheriff (off) Pokem!

Villager 2 It’s the Sheriff!

Marion joins the Villagers.

Enter Sheriff (SL)

Pokem Three cheers for the Sheriff! Hip-hip…

Sheriff They aren’t cheering, Pokem.

Pokem Yes sire. (poking the Villagers) Take that and that, and…

Sheriff…What are you doing, Pokem?

Pokem Poking them like you asked, Sheriff.

Sheriff (beats Pokem) You, are a blithering idiot!

Pokem Yes sire, thank you sire, you’re too kind sire. All together now. (conducts Villagers) For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow. For he’s…

Sheriff Shut up!

Pokem Yes sire at once sire, your wish is my command sire…

Sheriff…I command you to shut up!

Pokem Shutting up sire.

Sheriff Have you told the peasants about the new tax rises, yet?

Pokem Yes Sheriff.

Villager 3 We can’t afford to pay any more taxes.

Sheriff You peasants are always pleading poverty.

Villager 4 Maybe that’s because we’re poor?

Sheriff You seem to have plenty to spend on life’s little luxuries.

Villager 5 Such as what?

Sheriff Food, for a start.

Marion Food isn’t a luxury, Sheriff!

Pokem The Sheriff’s is. He gets a big hamper delivered each week, from Harrods.

Sheriff Shut up, Pokem!

Villager 2 We can’t even afford to shop at Aldi.

Sheriff They do say that dirt, is surprisingly nutritious.

Villager 3 We’re not eating dirt!

Sheriff You’ll be six feet under it, if you don’t pay your taxes on time!

Marion Don’t you ever give a thought to the poor, Sheriff?

Sheriff The poor are constantly on my mind, Lady marion. Which is why I need to collect more taxes, for poor Prince John. What about them down there? (indicates audience) Have you collected their taxes yet, Pokem?

Pokem They’re only here to see the show, Sheriff.

Sheriff That’s no excuse! (to audience) Have you all paid your taxes? (response)

Pokem Maybe they’re all on the side of the hooded one, Sheriff.

Sheriff You mean, Batman?

Pokem No, sire. Robin Hood.

Sheriff I’ll ask them. (to audience) Well? Are you all on the side of Robin Hood?

Pokem I think that means they are, Sheriff.

Sheriff You may be right, Pokem.

Pokem Righto, Sheriff. (goes downstage)

Sheriff Where are you going?

Pokem To poke them, sire.

Sheriff What for?

Pokem I thought you wanted me to.

Sheriff Don’t think Pokem, it only gives you headaches.

Pokem No, it doesn’t. (Sheriff bops his head) Owah! Yes, it does.

Villagers laugh.

Sheriff (to Villagers) Listen up you rabble. As of now, your measly taxes have just been trebled. I was going to quadruple them, but I’m feeling in a good mood today.

Villager 4 If that’s what you’re like in a good mood. I’d hate to see you in a bad mood.

Sheriff And that’s exactly what you will do, if you keep on protecting that thieving outlaw, Robin Hood! Now, when are you going to hand him over?

Villagers Never! (chant) Robin! Robin! Robin!

Sheriff Silence! I will make you all pay dearly for this insurrection.

Villager 5 Don’t tell me you’re taxing that as well?

Pokem Why don’t we offer a reward for Robin Hood, Sheriff?

Sheriff I don’t want to reward him!

Pokem No sire, I meant offer a reward for information leading to his capture. The peasants are that poor, somebody’s bound to dob him in.

Sheriff Good idea. And we can always beat them up afterwards and get the money back. Listen up, peasants! Your kind-hearted and generous Sheriff has decided to offer one hundred gold crowns, for information leading to the capture of Robin Hood. But this is a time-limited offer. I want him handed in by the end of the week, or I will have your stinking hovels burnt to the ground! Let’s go Pokem.

Pokem Okay Sheriff. (pointing out) You take those on the left and I’ll take those on the right.

Sheriff And you, take this! (kicks Pokem and starts shoving him off SL)

Exit Sheriff and Pokem (SL)

Marion One hundred gold crowns is a fortune to poor people. It might be tempting for somebody to snitch on Robin.

Villager 1 We would never betray Robin. (to others) Would we?

Villagers No!

Marion Robin’s lucky to have so many loyal friends.

Villager 2 And Robin’s lucky to also have you, Lady Marion.

Marion But how can I tell if he truly loves me? Music cue 2: Marion and Villagers. After song ends…Let’s find Robin and tell him what’s happened.

Exit all (SR)

Enter Hayrick (SL)

Hayrick Hiya kids! (response) It seems I’m going to have to train you lot up. So, here’s the deal. My name’s Hayrick, and whenever I come on and shout, hiya kids! I want you all to shout back, hiya Hayrick! As loud as you can. Will you do that? Great. Now then, can you all keep a secret? That’s good. Well, I’m the official lookout for Robin Hood and his Merry Men. And it’s a very important job, because they help protect the villagers against the nasty Sheriff of Nottingham and the even nastier, Prince John. But they could do with a few more recruits. Who would like to join Robin Hood’s gang? I said, who would like to join Robin Hood’s gang? That’s better. Now, before you can become a member you must all swear. Hang on, that can’t be right. I’ll just check my membership card. (takes out card) Silly me. It says you must all swear an oath. Who wants a card? (hands out cards) Now, raise your right hand and repeat after me. We promise to always cheer Robin Hood and to always boo the Sheriff of Nottingham. You can all put your hands down now. We also have a secret password, but I’ll have to whisper it to you in case anyone hears. It’s…(stage whisper)…Pink Tights. What’s the password? Not so loud. We don’t want the Sheriff hearing it.

Nursie (shouts off) Tyson! Where are you?

Hayrick It sounds like Nursie’s dog has run away again. Mind you, I don’t blame it. I’d do the same if I had my mistress like her. I think I’d better scarper too. Nursie seems to be under the illusion that I fancy her. It happened after the Sheriff said she wasn’t fit to live with pigs, and I said she was. The old fool took it as a compliment and has been trying to get her paws on me ever since.

Nursie (off) Tyson!

Hayrick I’m off. If Nursie asks, you haven’t seen me, right? (exits at a run SL)

Enter Nursie (SR)

Nursie Tyson! Where are you? Come to Nursie, you bad boy. (to audience) Oh hello! I didn’t realise we’d already started the show. I’m sorry I’m late, only I’ve lost my little doggie you see. You haven’t seen him, have you? (response) Well if you do, will you give me a shout? In fact, you could help me call him now if you like. Will you do that? Oh, you are kind. I’ll count to three, and then I want everybody to shout Tyson! At the tops of your voices. Ready. One…two…three. Tyson! Louder! Tyson! Tyson!

Music cue 3: Enter Tyson at a run (SR) jumps on Nursie’s back bowling her over before running off (SL)

Nursie Bad boy, Tyson!

Nursie staggers to her feet and bends down to pick up her hat and Tyson runs on (SL) and hits her rear sending her sprawling again and then runs off (SR)

Nursie (shouts) Tyson! Come back here at once, or I’ll cut off your meaty chunks!

Enter Tyson at a run (SR) he immediately fusses over the sitting Nursie.

Nursie Gerroff! It took me hours to put on this makeup. (to audience) Who said I needed it? (stands) I’m afraid Tyson’s a little over excited. You see it’s his birthday today, and I promised he could have his very own lamppost put up on the patio. But, he’s a very clever dog you know. Why don’t you show everybody your party trick, Tyson?

Tyson goes downstage and cocks his leg at the audience.

Nursie Not that one! I meant your song and dance routine. Music cue 4: Tyson and Nursie. After song ends…Tyson bows. Well done, Tyson.

Tyson continues bowing.

Nursie That’s enough now, Tyson.

Tyson continues bowing.

Nursie I said, that’s enough! Who’s the star of this show anyway?

Tyson points to himself.

Nursie How would you like to pay a visit to the vet?

Tyson covers his vunerables.

Nursie (to audience) Now, allow me to introduce myself properly. My name’s Nurse Nora, but you can call me Nursie. And I work at Nottingham Castle. That’s because I’m Nanny to King Richard’s children Rosie and Jim, which makes them Prince John’s Nephew and Niece. And he’s left them in the care of the Sheriff of Nottingham, because his wife has some sort of allergy to children. It’s more complicated than an Eastenders plot, isn’t it? But Rosie and Jim are lovely little kids. Which reminds me. I wonder where they are. You haven’t you seen them, have you? Tyson! Go and find the babes and fetch them here.

Tyson nods and moves around stage, sniffing.

Nursie (to audience) Tyson’s one-half bloodhound, you know. The other half is anybody’s guess.

Exit Tyson at a run (SL)

Nursie There he goes! Off like a greyhound on steroids!

Music cue 5: Enter Tyson shepherding the Babes on (SL)

Nursie Well done Tyson. Where have you kids been all morning?

Rosie We’ve been letting down the tyres on the Sheriff’s coach, Nursie.

Nursie You naughty babes. I don’t know where you get such ideas from.

Jim (handing a penknife to Nursie) Here’s your penknife back, Nursie.

Nursie (sheepish) Ahem! Well now you’re here, why don’t you say hello to everybody?

Both (wave to audience) Hello everybody!

Rosie Can we go and play in the woods, Nursie?

Nursie No you can’t!

Rosie But why not?

Nursie Because everybody knows the woods are haunted, that’s why. Besides, if you went in there, we’d have to have a big scene with ghosts and ghoulies and such like. Now, I’m sure the audience don’t mind seeing a couple of ghosts…

Babes…But Nursie!

Nursie Never mind, but Nursie. Your father has charged me with looking after you little minxes.

Jim I thought he was paying you, not charging you.

Nursie I don’t think I’m charging him enough, to be honest. Now come along, it’s time you were back at the castle. Say goodbye to all our friends.

Babes (wave to audience) Goodbye friends!

Nursie You too Tyson. You must be dog tired after all that dancing. (to audience) Dog tired? Oh, please yourselves.

Exit all (USL)

Enter Marion and Villagers (DSL) chatting.

Enter Hayrick at a run (SR)

Hayrick Robin’s coming! Robin’s coming! (to audience) Now, don’t forget to cheer.

Music cue 6: Enter Robin (SR)

Villagers Hooray for Robin Hood!

Hayrick moves beside Robin and the Villagers split to either side of them.

Robin Thank you all for that wonderful greeting! And how are you all this fine morning?

Villager 1 Not very good Robin. The Sheriff has just trebled our taxes.

Villager 2 And threatened to burn down our homes if we don’t pay up.

Robin The rotten swine!

Villager 3 And he’s offered a reward of one hundred gold crowns, to anybody who dobs you in.

Robin Only one hundred. I’m deeply offended. I must be worth at least a thousand.

Villager 4 We wouldn’t grass on you for any amount of money, Robin.

Robin Why thank you. It warms my heart, to see such loyalty.

Villager 5 Although we don’t know how much longer we can survive the Sheriff’s tax rises.

Robin Fear not good people. The Sheriff’s tyranny will soon be at an end.

Villagers Hooray!

Marion Are you going to attack Nottingham Castle with your men, Robin?

Robin My merry men are brave right enough, Marion. But there aren’t enough of us to attack Nottingham Castle. We could do with some more recruits.

Hayrick It’s funny you should mention that, Robin. Because I’ve just signed all these lot…(indicates audience)…up.

Robin They’re fine-looking bunch, Hayrick. But are they brave enough to face any danger?

Hayrick They were brave enough to buy tickets for this show.

Robin That is brave indeed. Hayrick.

Hayrick And they already know the secret password.

Robin I’m afraid the secret password’s been changed, Hayrick.

Hayrick Why, what was wrong with it?

Robin Little John wasn’t happy using, pink tights.

Marion I said you shouldn’t have let Will Scarlet pick it, Robin.

Hayrick Tell me the new password then, Robin.

Robin Okey-dokey.

Hayrick Go on then.

Robin Okey-dokey!

Hayrick I’m waiting.

Robin Okey-dokey!

Hayrick Are you going to tell me the new password or not, Robin?

Robin The new password is, Okey-dokey!

Hayrick Oh, I see! (to audience) What’s the new password? Now don’t forget it, will you?

Marion The Sheriff and Prince John will be arriving shortly, to collect people’s taxes Robin.

Robin And me and my merry men have arranged a welcoming party for them, Marion.

Marion (looks around) Where are your men, Robin?

Robin They’re waiting for a blow on my horn. I’ll just get it out. (produces a hunting horn, and blows) Music cue 7:

Enter Merry Men (SR) who form in a line facing the audience. As each name is called, the step forward and say their piece and then step back in line.

Robin Alan-a-dale! Sherwood’s answer to Ed Sheeran.

Alan-a-dale strums on his lute. Music cue 8:

Alan-a-dale What do you think of my latest tune, Robin?

Robin It’ll never catch on, Alan.

Alan-a-dale Oh, sssherbet-dabs.

Robin Little John, the toughest outlaw of them all!

Little John (bellows) I eat three Shredded Wheat for breakfast!

Robin Will Scarlet! The Rudolph Nureyev of Nottingham.

Will Scarlet (tugging at his tights) These woollen tights don’t half itch, Robin. I said we should have ordered them in Lycra.

Alan-a-dale Will’s been a bit grumpy, ever since he laddered his best tights.

Will Scarlet (to audience) The outdoor life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you know.

Robin And last, but not least. Friar Tuck! The machinating monk.

Friar Tuck Greetings, brothers and sisters!

Music cue 9:

Marion It sounds like the royal party are coming!

Robin To your positions, men!

Haytick Quick everybody, Let’s scram!

Exit Hayrick, Marion and Villagers (DSR)

Exit Robin and Merry Men behind the bushes (USR)

Enter Sheriff and Pokem (SL)

Sheriff Make way for their Royal Majesties, Prince John and Queen Arachnid!

Pokem There’s no one here Sheriff.

Sheriff And a good job, too. Their majesties can’t stand common people getting under their royal feet.

Pokem But won’t they get annoyed if nobody is here to cheer them, sire?

Sheriff Good point, Pokem. They’re used to spontaneous adulation, even if it is produced at the point of a sword. This lot…(indicate audience)…will have to cheer them instead.

Pokem But what if they won’t, sire?

Sheriff Leave them to me. (to audience) Now, listen to me you snotty nose-wipes! Their majesties, Prince John and Queen Arachnid will be here soon. And I order you all to cheer when they enter. And if anybody dares boo, I’ll have them stretched on the rack during the interval.

Music cue 10: Enter Prince John and Queen Arachnid (SL) followed by Guards carrying a large treasure chest.

Pokem (to audience) Three cheers for their majesties. Hip-hip…They’re not cheering, Sheriff!

Sheriff They’ll cheer on the other side of their faces if their majesties hear them not cheering.

Arachnid (holding her nose) Yeugh! What is that horrible smell?

Prince. J (indicating audience) It’s all those commoners down there, dear.

Arachnid (peering out) Even in the dark they look horrible.

Prince. J That’s because they are horrible, dearest.

Arachnid And what are all those smaller ones?

Prince. J They look like children to me.

Arachnid Uggh! I hate children! They remind me of your wretched Nephew and Niece.

Prince. J You mean, Richard’s brats?

Arachnid Yes, and they’re horrible too.

Prince. J Indeed, they are. They also stand between me and the crown of England.

Arachnid Then don’t you think it’s about time you got rid of them?

Prince. J All in good time my dear. Meanwhile let’s get some lovely loot out of this…(indicates audience)…horrible lot. They all look filthy rich.

Arachnid Well, they certainly look filthy.

Enter Robin and Men from behind bushes. Robin pokes Sheriff with his sword.

Robin Good morning Sheriff!

Sheriff (turns) What the deuce!

Pokem (turns) It’s Robin Hood!

A brief fight ensues between the Guards and Robin and his Men.

SFX: Sound of sword-fighting.

The Guards eventually turn tail and run off.

Sheriff (shouts after Guards) Come back and fight, you cowards!

Pokem You just can’t get the staff these days, Sheriff.

Arachnid This is an outrage!

Alan-a-dale So is your face.

Arachnid How dare you! (to Prince John) Well? Aren’t you going to defend my honour?

Prince. J (scared) It’s probably best not to annoy them dear, they might turn nasty.

Robin We leave being nasty, to the Sheriff.

Little John opens the chest and holds up gold and jewels.

Little John Look at this lot, Robin!

Arachnid Take your thieving hands of my baubles!

Little John I wouldn’t touch your baubles, with an extra-long barge pole.

Robin How kind of you to deliver the villager’s tax rebate personally, Prince John.

Prince. J How dare you! I am King…in all but the legal sense. Kneel before me, insolent wretch!

Robin I bow the knee to none, but good King Richard.

Merry. M (cheer) Long live King Richard! Long live King Richard!

Arachnid You’ll all pay for this!

Friar Tuck (taps the chest with his sword) Methinks you’ve just paid for it.

Robin and Men laugh.

Prince. J I’ll get even with you Hood, if it’s the last thing I ever do.

Little John (points his sword him) Hold your tongue, or it will be the last thing you ever say!

Sheriff If you’re going to kill us, then get on with it! We’d rather die with dignity than live as cowards.

Prince. J You speak for yourself Sheriff.

Robin Unlike you Sheriff. I don’t kill people in cold blood. Now, be off with you. (slaps Sheriff on the bottom with his sword)

Sheriff (menacing) We shall meet again, Hood.

Robin I look forward to it Sheriff. Especially if it turns out to be as profitable as this meeting. Eh lads?

Merry Men Aye, Robin! (all laugh)

Exit Sheriff, Pokem, Prince John and Queen Arachnid (SL)

Robin Another day in our struggle against tyranny ends in victory, men. But the fight will not be over, until King Richard returns to England’s shores. And whilst we wait for that happy day, we shall continue to uphold justice and defend the poor. With our hearts!

Merry Men (cheer) Our hearts!

Robin Our minds!

Merry Men Our minds!

Robin Our souls!

Merry Men Our souls! Music cue 11: Robin and Men. After song ends…And now, let us away to our hideout in Sherwood Forest!

Exit all (SR) with the treasure-chest.