Robin Hood And The Babes In The Wood

Scene One

The Village Square

Chorus of Villagers are onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Maid Marion (SR)

MARION: Good morning everybody!

CHORUS 1: Good morning Lady Marion!

MARION: It’s wonderful to see you all enjoying yourselves for a change.

CHORUS 2: Once the Sheriff comes to collect our taxes, we’ll all be miserable again.

CHORUS 3: He barely leaves us enough to live on.

CHORUS 4: My kids have eaten nothing but porridge for months.

CHORUS 5: My kids are dressed in rags.

CHORUS 1: My kids haven’t any shoes.

CHORUS 2: My kids have eaten their shoes.

MARION: Cheer up everyone all is not doom and gloom.

CHORUS 3: Have you got some good news for us, Marion?

MARION: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

CHORUS 4: What’s the bad news, Marion?

MARION: Prince John and Queen Arachnid are coming here today.

Chorus groan.

CHORUS 5: And what’s the good news?

MARION: Robin Hood is planning an ambush!

CHORUS: Hooray!

CHORUS 1: If anybody can help us, it’s Robin.

CHORUS 2: He’s our only hope.

CHORUS 3: (looks SL) Watch out! Here comes Pokem, the Sheriff’s idiot sidekick!

CHORUS 4: He’s probably going to announce yet another tax rise.

Enter Pokem (SL)

POKEM: Listen up peasants! The Sheriff has decided that your taxes are to be increased as of today.

CHORUS 5: But he just increased all our taxes recently!

POKEM: Nonsense. It’s ages since your taxes went up.

CHORUS 1: They went up last week!

POKEM: That’s ages ago. Lady Marion! Why are you associating with these peasants?

MARION: Because they’re my friends?

SHERIFF: (off) Pokem!

CHORUS 2: It’s the Sheriff!

Enter Sheriff (SL)

POKEM: Three cheers for the Sheriff! Hip-hip…

SHERIFF: They aren’t cheering, Pokem.

POKEM: Yes sire. (poking Chorus) Take that and that, and…

SHERIFF: What are you doing, Pokem?

POKEM: Poking them like you asked, Sheriff.

SHERIFF: (beats Pokem) You, are a blithering idiot!

POKEM: Yes sire, thank you sire, you’re too kind sire. All together now. (conducts Chorus) For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow. For he’s…

SHERIFF: Shut up!

POKEM: Yes sire, at once sire, your wish is my command sire…

SHERIFF: I command you to shut up!

POKEM: Shutting up sire.

SHERIFF: Have you told the peasants about the new tax rises?

POKEM: Yes Sheriff.

CHORUS 3: We can’t afford to pay any more taxes.

SHERIFF: You peasants are always pleading poverty.

CHORUS 4: Maybe that’s because we’re poor?

SHERIFF: You seem to have plenty to spend on life’s little luxuries.

CHORUS 5: Such as?

SHERIFF: Food, for starters.

MARION: Don’t you ever give a thought to the poor, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: The poor are constantly on my mind, Lady Marion. Which is why I need to collect more taxes, for poor Prince John. What about them down there? (indicates audience) Have you collected their taxes yet, Pokem?

POKEM: They’re only here to see the show, Sheriff.

SHERIFF: That’s no excuse! (to audience) Have you all paid your taxes? (response)

POKEM: Maybe they’re all on the side of the hooded one, Sheriff.

SHERIFF: You mean, Batman?

POKEM: No, sire. Robin Hood.

SHERIFF: (to audience) Well? Are you all siding with Robin Hood? You could be right, Pokem.

POKEM: Righto, Sheriff. (goes downstage)

SHERIFF: Where are you going?

POKEM: To poke them, sire.

SHERIFF: What for?

POKEM: I thought you wanted me to.

SHERIFF: Don’t think Pokem, it only gives you headaches.

POKEM: No, it doesn’t. (Sheriff bops him) Owah! Yes, it does.

SHERIFF: (to Chorus) Listen, you rabble! Your taxes have been doubled as of now. I was going to treble them, but I’m feeling in a good mood today.

CHORUS 4: If that’s what you’re like in a good mood I’d hate to see you in a bad mood.

SHERIFF: And that’s exactly what you will do, if you keep on protecting that thieving outlaw, Robin Hood! Now, when are you going to hand him over?

CHORUS: Never! (chant) Robin! Robin! Robin!

SHERIFF: Silence! You all pay dearly for this insurrection.

CHORUS 5: Don’t tell me you’re taxing that as well?

POKEM: Why don’t we offer a reward for Robin Hood, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: I don’t want to reward him!

POKEM: No sire. I meant, offer a reward for information leading to his capture. The peasants are that poor, somebody’s bound to dob him in.

SHERIFF: Good idea. We can always beat them up afterwards and get the money back. People of Sherwood. Your kind-hearted and generous Sheriff has decided to offer one hundred gold crowns, for information leading to the capture of Robin Hood. But this is a time-limited offer. I want him handed in by the end of the week, or I’ll have your stinking hovels burnt to the ground! Let’s go Pokem.

POKEM: Righto Sheriff. (pointing) You take the left side and I’ll the right.

SHERIFF: Take this instead! (kicks Pokem and shoves him off SL)

Exit Sheriff and Pokem (SL)

MARION: One hundred gold crowns is a fortune to poor people. It might be tempting for somebody to snitch on Robin.

CHORUS 1: We’d never betray Robin. (to others) Would we?

CHORUS: No!

MARION: Robin’s lucky to have so many loyal friends.

CHORUS 2: And Robin’s lucky to also have you, Lady Marion.

MARION: I love Robin – but how can I tell if he truly loves me? Music cue 2: Marion and Chorus. After song ends…Let’s find Robin and tell him what’s happened.

Exit Marion and Chorus (SR)

Enter Hayrick (SL)

HAYRICK: Hiya kids! My name’s Hayrick, and whenever I come on and shout, hiya kids! I want you all to shout back, hiya Hayrick! As loud as you can. Will you do that? Now, I’m the official lookout for Robin Hood and his Merry Men, who help protect us against the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John. But they could do with a few more recruits. Who would like to join Robin Hood’s gang? Now, before you can become a member you must all swear (a beat) that can’t be right. I’ll just check my membership card. (produces card) Silly me. It says you must all swear an oath. Now, raise your right hand and repeat after me. We promise to always cheer Robin Hood and boo the Sheriff of Nottingham. You can put your hands down now. We also have a secret password, but I’ll have to whisper it to you in case anybody hears. It’s…(stage whisper)…Pink Tights. What’s the password? Not so loud – we don’t want the Sheriff overhearing.

NURSIE: (shouts off) Tyson! Where are you?

HAYRICK: It sounds like Nursie’s dog has run away again. I think I’d better scarper too. Nursie seems to be under the illusion that I fancy her. It’s all because the Sheriff once said she wasn’t fit to live with pigs, and I said she was. The silly old fool took it as a compliment and has been trying to get her paws on me ever since.

NURSIE: (off) Tyson!

HAYRICK: I’m off. If Nursie asks, you haven’t seen me – right? (exits at a run SL)

Enter Nursie (SR)

NURSIE: Tyson! Where are you? Come to Nursie, you bad boy. (to audience) Oh hello! I’m trying to find my little doggie. You haven’t seen him, have you? (response) Well if you do, will you give me a shout? In fact, you could help me call him now if you like. I’ll count to three, and then everybody shout, Tyson! At the tops of your voices. Ready. One…two…three. Tyson! Louder! Tyson! Tyson!

Music cue 3: Enter Tyson at a run (SR) bowls Nursie over and exits (SL)

You bad boy, Tyson! Come back here at once, or I’ll cut off your meaty chunks!

Enter Tyson at a run (SR) and fusses all over Nursie.

Gerroff! Tyson’s over-excited, because it’s his birthday today and I promised he could have his very own lamppost put up on the patio. But Tyson’s a very clever dog you know. Why don’t you show everybody your party trick, Tyson? (Tyson cocks his leg at the audience) Not that one! I meant your song and dance routine. Music cue 4: Tyson and Nursie. After song ends…Tyson bows. Well done, Tyson. (Tyson continues bowing) All right Tyson, that’s enough. (Tyson continues bowing) I said, that’s enough! Who’s the star of this show anyway? (Tyson indicates himself) How would you like to pay a visit to the vet? (Tyson covers his vunerables – to audience) Allow me to introduce myself properly. I’m Nurse Nora, but you can call me Nursie. And I work at Nottingham Castle. That’s because I’m Nanny to King Richard’s children Rosie and Jim, which makes them Prince John’s Nephew and Niece. And he’s left them in the care of the Sheriff of Nottingham because his wife has some sort of allergy to children. It’s more complicated than an EastEnders plot, isn’t it? But Rosie and Jim are smashing kids. Which reminds me. I wonder where they are. You haven’t you seen them, have you? Tyson! Go and find the babes and fetch them here right away. (exit Tyson at a run SL) Tyson’s half bloodhound, you know. The other half’s anybody’s guess.

Music cue 5: Enter Tyson shepherding the Babes on (SL)

Well done, Tyson. Where have you kids been all morning?

ROSIE: We’ve been letting down the tyres on the Sheriff’s coach, Nursie.

NURSIE: You naughty babes. I don’t know where you get such ideas from.

JIM: (handing a penknife to Nursie) Here’s your penknife back, Nursie.

NURSIE: Ahem! Well now you’re here, why don’t you say hello to everybody?

BABES: (wave to audience) Hello everybody!

ROSIE: Can we go and play in the woods, Nursie?

NURSIE: No you can’t!

ROSIE: But why not?

NURSIE: Because everybody knows the woods are haunted, that’s why. Besides, if you went in there, we’d have to have a big scene with ghosts and ghoulies. Now, I’m sure the audience don’t mind seeing a couple of ghosts…

BABES: But Nursie!

NURSIE: Never mind, but Nursie. Your father has charged me with looking after you both.

JIM: I thought he was paying you, not charging you.

NURSIE: I don’t think I’m charging him enough, actually. Now come along, it’s time you were back at the castle. Say goodbye to all our friends.

BABES: (wave to audience) Goodbye friends!

NURSIE: You too Tyson. You must be dog tired after all that dancing. (to audience) Dog tired? Oh, please yourselves.

Exit Nursie, Babes and Tyson (USL)

Enter Marion and Chorus (DSL) chatting.

Enter Hayrick at a run (SR)

HAYRICK: Robin’s coming! (to audience) Now, don’t forget to cheer will you?

Music cue 6: Enter Robin (SR)

CHORUS: Hooray for Robin Hood!

ROBIN: Thank you all for that wonderful greeting! How are you all this fine morning?

CHORUS 1: Not very good Robin. The Sheriff has just doubled our taxes.

CHORUS 2: And threatened to burn down our homes if we don’t pay up.

ROBIN: The rotten swine!

CHORUS 3: He’s also offering one hundred gold crowns, to anybody who dobs you in.

ROBIN: Only one hundred!? I’m deeply offended – I must be worth at least a thousand.

CHORUS 4: We wouldn’t grass on you for any amount of money, Robin.

ROBIN: Why thank you. It warms my heart, to see such loyalty.

CHORUS 5: But we don’t know how much longer we can survive the Sheriff’s tax rises.

ROBIN: Fear not good people, the Sheriff’s tyranny will soon be at an end.

MARION: Are you going to attack Nottingham Castle with your men, Robin?

ROBIN: No Marion, there aren’t enough of us to attack Nottingham Castle. We could do with some more recruits.

HAYRICK: It’s funny you should mention that Robin because I’ve just signed all this lot…(indicates audience)…up.

ROBIN: They look a fine bunch Hayrick, but are they brave enough to join my gang?

HAYRICK: They were brave enough to buy tickets for this show.

ROBIN: That is brave.

HAYRICK: And they know the secret password and everything.

ROBIN: I’m afraid the secret password’s been changed, Hayrick.

HAYRICK: Why’s that then?

ROBIN: Little John wasn’t happy using, pink tights.

MARION: Maybe you shouldn’t have let Will Scarlet pick it, Robin.

HAYRICK: Tell me the new password, Robin.

ROBIN: Okey-dokey.

HAYRICK: Go on then.

ROBIN: Okey-dokey!

HAYRICK: I’m waiting.

ROBIN: Okey-dokey!

HAYRICK: Are you going to tell me the new password or not, Robin?

ROBIN: The new password is, Okey-dokey!

HAYRICK: Oh, I see! (to audience) What’s the new password? Don’t forget it, will you?

ROBIN: The Sheriff and Prince John will be arriving shortly, to collect everybody’s taxes, and me and my Merry Men have arranged a welcoming party for them.

MARION: Where are your men, Robin?

ROBIN: They’re waiting for a blow on my horn. I’ll just get it out. (produces a hunting horn, and blows) Music cue 7:

Enter Merry Men (SR) and form in a line facing the audience. As each is called, they step forward and say their piece and then step back in line.

ROBIN: Alan-a-dale! Sherwood’s answer to Ed Sheeran.

Alan-a-dale strums on his lute. Music cue 8:

ALAN: What do you think of my latest tune, Robin?

ROBIN: It’ll never catch on, Alan.

ALAN: Oh, sherbet-dabs.

ROBIN: Little John, the toughest outlaw of them all!

L. JOHN: (bellows) I eat three Shredded Wheat for breakfast!

ROBIN: Will Scarlet! The Billy Elliot of Nottingham.

WILL: (tugging his tights) These woollen tights don’t half itch, Robin. I said we should have ordered them in Lycra.

ALAN: Will’s been a bit grumpy ever since laddering his best tights.

WILL: (to audience) The outdoor life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you know.

ROBIN: And last, but not least. Friar Tuck! A Monastic Monk.

TUCK: Greetings brothers, and sisters!

Music cue 9:

MARION: It sounds like the royal party are coming, Robin!

ROBIN: To your positions, men!

HAYRICK: Quick everybody, Let’s scram!

Exit Hayrick, Marion and Chorus (DSR)

Exit Robin and Merry Men behind the bushes (USR)

Enter Sheriff and Pokem (SL)

SHERIFF: Make way for their Royal Majesties, Prince John and Queen Arachnid!

POKEM: There’s nobody here, Sheriff!

SHERIFF: Good! Their majesties can’t stand commoners getting under their royal feet.

POKEM: But won’t they get annoyed if nobody’s here to cheer them, sire?

SHERIFF: Good point, Pokem. They’re used to spontaneous adulation, even if it is produced at the point of a sword. This lot…(indicate audience)…will have to cheer them instead.

POKEM: But what if they won’t cheer, sire?

SHERIFF: Leave them to me. (to audience) Listen up, you snotty nose-wipes! Their majesties, Prince John and Queen Arachnid will be here soon. And I order you all to cheer them when they enter. If anybody dares to boo, I’ll have them stretched on the rack during the interval.

Music cue 10: Enter Prince John and Queen Arachnid (SL) followed by Guards carrying a large treasure chest.

POKEM: (to audience) Three cheers for their majesties. Hip-hip…! They aren’t cheering, Sheriff!

SHERIFF: They’ll cheer on the other side of their faces if their majesties hear them not cheering.

ARACHNID: (holding her nose) Yeugh! What is that horrible smell?

PRINCE. J: (indicating audience) It’s all those commoners down there, dear.

ARACHNID: (peering out) Even in the dark they look horrible.

PRINCE. J: That’s because they are horrible, dearest.

ARACHNID: And what are all those smaller ones?

PRINCE. J: They look like children to me.

ARACHNID: Uggh! I hate children! They remind me of your wretched Nephew and Niece.

PRINCE. J: You mean, Richard’s brats?

ARACHNID: Yes, and they’re horrible too.

PRINCE. J: Indeed, they are. They also stand between me and the crown of England.

ARACHNID: Then don’t you think it’s about time you got rid of them?

PRINCE. J: All in good time my dear. Meanwhile, let’s get some lovely loot out of this…(indicates audience)…horrible lot. They all look filthy rich.

ARACHNID: They certainly look filthy.

Enter Robin and Merry Men.

ROBIN: (prods Sheriff with his sword) Good morning Sheriff!

SHERIFF: (turns) What the deuce!

POKEM: (turns) It’s Robin Hood!

A brief fight ensues between the Guards and Robin and his Men.

SFX: Sound of sword-fighting.

The Guards eventually turn tail and run off.

SHERIFF: (shouts after Guards) Come back and fight, you cowards!

POKEM: You just can’t get the staff these days, Sheriff.

ARACHNID: This is an outrage!

ALAN: So is your face.

ARACHNID: How dare you! (to Prince John) Well? Aren’t you going to defend my honour?

PRINCE. J: (scared) Best not to annoy them dear, they might turn nasty.

ROBIN: We leave being nasty, to the Sheriff.

Little John opens the chest and holds up gold and jewels.

L. JOHN: Look at this lot, Robin!

ARACHNID: Take your thieving hands of my baubles!

L. JOHN: I wouldn’t touch your baubles with an extra-long barge pole.

ROBIN: How kind of you to deliver the villagers tax rebate personally, Prince John.

PRINCE. J: How dare you! I am King – in all but the legal sense. Kneel before me, insolent wretch!

ROBIN: I bow the knee to none, but good King Richard.

MERRY M: Long live King Richard! Long live King Richard!

ARACHNID: You’ll all pay for this!

TUCK: (taps chest with his sword) Methinks you’ve just paid for it.

Robin and Men laugh.

PRINCE. J: I’ll get even with you Hood if it’s the last thing I ever do.

L. JOHN: Hold your tongue, or it will be the last thing you ever say!

SHERIFF: If you’re going to kill us, then get on with it! We’d rather die with dignity than live as cowards.

PRINCE. J: You speak for yourself Sheriff.

ROBIN: Unlike you Sheriff I don’t kill people in cold blood. Now, be off with you. (slaps Sheriff on the bottom with his sword)

SHERIFF: We shall meet again, Hood.

ROBIN: I look forward to it Sheriff. Especially if it turns out to be as profitable as this meeting – eh lads?

MERRY M: Aye, Robin! (all laugh)

Exit Sheriff, Pokem, Prince John and Queen Arachnid (SL)

ROBIN: Another day in our struggle against tyranny ends in victory, men. But the fight won’t be over, until King Richard returns to England’s shores. And whilst we wait for that happy day, we shall continue to uphold justice and defend the poor. With our hearts!

MERRY M: (cheer) Our hearts!

ROBIN: Our minds!

MERRY M: Our minds!

ROBIN: Our souls!

MERRY M: Our souls! And now, let us away to our hideout in Sherwood Forest!

Exit Robin and Merry Men with the treasure chest (SR)