Robin Hood And His Merry Men

Scene One

Sherwood Village

Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…Sheriff, Smash and Grab enter (SR) with the Prisoners.

Grab

(loudly) Pray silence, for the noble Sheriff of Nottingham!

Smash

(loudly) Pray for the silence of the Sheriff!

Sheriff

People of Sherwood! I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’m taking time out from my busy schedule, and gracing you today…

Villager 3

…You’re going to grease us?

Villager 4

(to other Villagers) I always said he was a slippery character.

Sheriff

I said ‘gracing’ not ‘greasing’ you peasant! (thinks) Not a bad idea though. (to Smash & Grab) Make a note of that. In future, non-payment of taxes will be punished by being greased in rancid fat and tied to a lamppost in a rat-infested ally.

Villager 5

(to Villagers 3 & 4) You and your big gobs.

Sheriff

Allow me to introduce my new tax collectors. (indicating them) Smash and Grab.

Smash

(proudly) We’re his deputies!

Villager 1

Where are your badges then?

Smash

(to Grab) I said we should have badges!

Grab

Give over. You watch too many cowboy films.

Smash

I love cowboy films. I know everything about the Wild West.

Grab

(to Smash) So you’d know that all cowboys have three ears, then?

Smash

Don’t talk daft! They’ve got two just like us.

Grab

No, no. They’ve got three.

Smash

How do you make that out?

Grab

Cos, they have a left ear, a right ear. And a wild front ear. (laughs) Wild frontier! Get it?

Sheriff

Shut up! This isn’t some stupid pantomime!

Smash

Well don’t tell that lot. (audience) They’ve paid good money to watch this.

Sheriff

I don’t care…(eyes suddenly light up)…money you say?

Grab

Yeah, they’re filthy rich here in…(local reference)

Smash

Yeah, rich and filthy.

Sheriff

Well then, once we have fleeced…I mean helped the good people of Sherwood. Perhaps we can lighten their wallets, also.

Grab

Shall I start on them now, boss?

Sheriff

No, later. They don’t look as though they’re going anywhere.

Grab

They might when they realise it doesn’t get any funnier.

Sheriff

(trying to pick up where he left off) Now where was I?

Smash

You were here with us, Sheriff.

Sheriff

Are you an idiot?

Grab

Yes, he is. But he’s right Sheriff, you were definitely here with us.

Villager 2

(laughs) They’re all as daft as each other!

Sheriff

(to Villagers) Shut up, peasants!

Villager 3

Pheasants?

Sheriff

I said ‘peasants’ peasants!

Villager 4

(to other Villagers) I’m not giving you any presents!

Grab

I didn’t know it was your birthday, boss.

Sheriff

It’s not my birthday!

Grab

Whose birthday is it then?

Sheriff

It’s nobody’s birthday!

Smash

It’s my hamster Basil’s birthday. (produces a toy hamster, attached offstage with fishing-line) Let’s all sing happy birthday to him. (leads audience and Villagers in singing ‘happy birthday dear Basil’)

Sheriff

Call that singing? I’ve heard screams from the dungeons that sounded better. (to Smash) Get rid of that rodent, before I let the jailer have it for his lunch.

The hamster is pulled from Smash’s hand and disappears off Music Cue 3:

Smash

You scared Basil off, Sheriff!

Sheriff

Shut up you fool! Remember we’re here on royal business.

Grab

(groans) Not another royal variety show.

Smash

The last one was like watching two hours of solid torture.

Sheriff

It was two hours of solid torture. You two idiots took a wrong turn and ended up in the dungeons.

Smash

That would explain the screams, then.

Sheriff

I sometimes wonder why I employ you both.

Grab
Because we’re cheap.

Smash

Yeah! (to Sheriff) Cheap! Cheap!

Grab

(to Smash) I didn’t know you could do bird impressions.

Sheriff

Well he certainly has the brains for it.

Smash
(flattered) Thanks!

Sheriff

(to Villagers) Listen up peasants! Prince John has ordered us to protect you, from Robin Hood and his thieving gang of outlaws. And to fund more bobbies on the beat, your taxes will be doubled every week until he is caught. So it’s in your own interest, to turn him in. Look upon it as a tax incentive.

Grab

A ‘tax incentive’! (laughs) I like it boss!

Sheriff

Mother always said I had a wicked sense of humour.

Smash

How is your mum these days, Sheriff?

Sheriff

A martyr to her rheumatism, I’m afraid.

Smash

All those damp walls can’t help.

Sheriff

That’s true.

Grab

So when are you going to let her out of the dungeons?

Sheriff

Just as soon as she’s paid her taxes.

Grab

Fair enough.

Villager 5

We don’t need protecting from Robin Hood!

Villager 1

He’s our friend!

Sheriff

Then perhaps you’d like you to tell us more about your ‘friend’.

Villager 1

Never!

Sheriff

(to Smash & Grab) Bring him to the castle. A stretch on the rack might loosen his tongue.

Smash

(wryly) It’ll loosen more than his tongue.

Smash and Grab take hold of the Villager.

Sheriff
(to Villagers) The sooner Robin Hood is captured, the better for all of you! (to Smash & Grab) Let’s go.

Sheriff, Smash and Grab exit (SL) with Villager 1.

Robin and Merry Men enter (SR)

Robin

(cheerily) Come along chaps! Time to enjoy a spot of R and R!

Alan-a-Dale
(to the others) What’s R and R?

Little John

I think it’s a round of rugby.

Friar Tuck 
Lots of rough sweaty men grabbing each other in a scrum. I don’t think I fancy that.

Will Scarlett

(sweetly) Well I’m game.

Robin

R and R means ‘rest and recreation’. Enjoying yourselves. Letting your hair down.

Will Scarlett

Don’t mention hair, Robin. (patting his hair) Fourteen groats this lot cost. And now look at it, after traipsing through Sherwood Forest. And to think I used to run an exclusive hair therapy boutique.

Alan-a-Dale

I thought you were a barber?

Will Scarlett

Wash your mouth out with soap, Alan-a-Dale. (haughty) I, am a hair surgeon.

Little John

That would explain why you charged an arm and a leg.

Alan-a-Dale

And I am an optical illuminator enhancer.

Friar Tuck

What’s that then?

Alan-a-Dale

A window cleaner. (laughs)

Robin

Let’s whet our whistle lads and join the villagers for a spot of fun.

Little John

(notices the glum Villagers) I don’t see anybody having fun.

Robin

(to Villager 2) Pardon me my good woman, but why is everybody looking so glum?

Villager 2

It’s because the Sheriff and his men have just been.

Will Scarlett

That explains it then.

Robin

(to Villagers) People of Sherwood, do not despair. I hear that King Richard is heading back to England’s shores this very week.

Villager

We’ll all be very weak, by the time he gets here.

Friar Tuck

(bellows) Brothers and sisters! I will feed you in your hour of need!

Villagers

We’re not that hungry!

Robin

What brave resilient people they are.

Alan-a-Dale

If they were that brave, they would’ve eaten Tuck’s food.

Will Scarlett

He said they were ‘brave’ not suicidal.

Music cue 4: Kate Adie runs on (SL)

Kate Adie

Mr Hood! Mr Hood!

Robin

Please, call me ‘Robin’.

Kate Adie

You got it Robin.

Robin

(poses heroically) Well, it’s very nice of you to say so.

Kate Adie interviews Robin and the Merry Men stand behind them, playing up to an imaginary camera. One holds up a piece of paper saying ‘hello mum’.

Kate Adie

So, how’s it going Robin?

Robin

Fine thanks.

Kate Adie

(listing problems) The Sheriff is doubling taxes. Prince John has vowed to hunt down you and your men, and hang you all like dogs. The black death is back in town. The villagers are starving and Friar Tuck’s cooking is getting worse.

Alan-a-Dale

Well, at least it isn’t raining.

Robin

Yes, mustn’t grumble.

Kate Adie

Do you think you’ll win this fight, Robin?

Robin

(confidently) Absolutely!

Kate Adie

I must say, I admire your ability to ignore the facts. Dismiss all logic and continue fighting against insurmountable odds. I salute you sir. (to audience) Kate Adie BBC, Sherwood. (exits SL)

Robin

(to Merry Men) I think that interview went well, don’t you?

Little John

Let’s return to our hideout, Robin. I’ve got a new fitness routine for us to practice.

Will Scarlett

Well I hope it doesn’t involve swinging through trees, again. (to audience) The amount of tights I’ve ruined.

Robin

(to Villagers) People of Sherwood, we must leave you now. But we shall return, to help you in your fight against injustice.

Villager

(complaining) What about some loot to help us with our rent?

Robin

I’m afraid it hasn’t been a very good week for us, and we haven’t been able to collect much by way of, ‘loot’. So we’ll have to take a rain cheque.

Alan-a-Dale holds out his hand.

Little John

What are you doing, Alan?

Alan-a-Dale

Checking for rain like Robin said.

Little John

A rain cheque means ‘IOU’.

Alan-a-Dale

How much?

Little John

How much what?

Alan-a-Dale

How much do you owe me?

Little John

I don’t owe you anything.

Alan-a-Dale

When did you pay me back?

Little John

I didn’t!

Alan-a-Dale

So you still owe me then?

Little John

(sighs) No, but I think somebody owes you a brain.

Robin

(to Villagers) Farewell brave citizens!

Robin and Merry Men exit (SL)

Courgette and Marion enter (SR)

Marion

I love shopping, don’t you Courgette?

Courgette

I’m a woman aren’t I? (warns audience) No wisecracks, please. (looking at the stalls) I need a new pair of shoes. These old ones are past their best.

Stallholder 1

Just like their owner. (laughs)

Courgette

Cheek! (goes over to Stallholder 1) I’ve a good mind to take my feet elsewhere.

Stallholder 1

I wish you would! (holds his nose) Phwoar!

Courgette

(snaps) How dare you! I’ll have you know I have a foot-spa every day!

Stallholder 1

What in? Cheese sauce?

Courgette

(rolling up her sleeves) I’ve had enough of your sauce!

Marion

(holding her back) Ignore him Courgette. He only sells seconds anyway.

Courgette

(picks up a shoe and drops in back on the stall) More like thirds if you ask me.

Marion

I’m just going for a browse, Courgette. (moves off around the stalls)

Courgette

All right dear. (to audience) Browsing’s all the poor girl can do, ever since the Sheriff grabbed her assets.

Marion picks up a Teddy Bear from a stall. She drops it and bends down to pick it with her back to the audience.

Courgette

(glances at Marion, then back to the audience) Not those assets! I suppose I’d better explain the story, hadn’t I? Well we can’t put the whole plot in the programme, can we. Now my name is Dame Courgette, lady-in-waiting to Lady Marion. It all started when King Richard went off on a crusade and his brother Prince John took over the throne. But unlike King Richard, Prince John is nasty and greedy and employs the Sheriff of Nottingham to carry out his dirty work. He’s taxing the poor so hard, they can barely afford to feed themselves. Their only hope is Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Let me see now…there’s, Alan-a-Dale. Not very bright. He once tried milking a cow until somebody pointed out it was a bull. He didn’t get any milk, but he made a friend for life. Then there’s Friar Tuck. He was thrown out of the monastery for having a dirty habit. Will Scarlett. Nottingham’s answer to Julian Clary. And finally, Little John. The Arnold Schwarzenegger of Sherwood.

Marion

(shows the Teddy Bear to Courgette) Look Courgette! Isn’t it sweet?

Courgette

Very nice Marion. How much is it?

Marion

Too much for me, I’m afraid.

Courgette

Leave it to me. (beckons Stallholder 2) A word, my good man.

Stallholder 2 moves to Courgette.

Stallholder 2

(moves to Courgette) Yes?

Courgette

How much for the bear?

Stallholder 2

Three groats.

Courgette

(exclaims) Three groats! For that moth-eaten! (mindful of Marion) I mean…that seems rather expensive.

Stallholder 2

It’s been reduced.

Courgette

And how much was it before?

Stallholder 2

Five groats.

Courgette

And how much has it been reduced by, again?

Stallholder 2

Two groats.

Courgette

(hands over a coin) Here you are then. One groat.

Stallholder 2

But the bear’s three groats!

Courgette

Didn’t you just say it’s been reduced by two groats, again?

Stallholder 2

Yes, but…

Courgette

Three minus two is one. (to audience) I went to…(name of local school)

Stallholder returns to his stall, muttering.

Marion

Thanks Courgette, but you really shouldn’t have.

Courgette

Nonsense. You deserve a little treat Marion.

Marion

(looking around) I wonder when Robin’s going to turn up.

Courgette

We must be careful in case anybody hears us talking about Robin, Marion.

Marion

Who’s going to hear us out here?

Courgette

You know what they say Marion. (glancing over her should at the Stalls) ‘Stalls have ears’.

Stallholder 1

If you’re looking for Robin Hood, he was here earlier but then left.

Marion

What? But he promised to meet me here.

Courgette

Maybe he forgot, Marion. He did have that nasty fall last week, remember.

Marion

(annoyed) Serves him right, swinging from tree-to-tree all day long. Why can’t he walk like a normal person?

Courgette

I blame ‘Spiderman’.

Marion

What’s Spiderman got to do with it?

Courgette

Well, he only took up swinging through trees after watching Spiderman 2.

Marion

I might as well go home, seeing as Robin’s already been.

Courgette

All right Marion. I’ll just go and buy something horrible for the Sheriff’s tea, first. (moves to a food stall)

Marion moves (DSC) lights dim – spotlight on Marion.

Marion
I hate living at Nottingham Castle, but staying there is the only way I can help Robin. Although I sometimes wonder why I bother. Music cue 5: Marion. After song ends…Lights come back up.

Courgette

(goes to Marion) I’m ready to go now, Marion. I’ve bought some pickled cabbage, curried beans, hard-boiled eggs, sprouts and gherkins. Plus lots of air-fresheners.

Marion

(chuckles) I think we’re going to need them.

They exit (SL)