Music cue 2: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…
Enter Sheriff, Smash and Grab [SR]
GRAB: Pray silence, for the noble Sheriff of Nottingham!
SMASH: Pray for the silence of the knobbly Sheriff!
SHERIFF: People of Sherwood! Your kind and loving Sheriff is gracing you today…
CHORUS 1: You’re going to grease us?
CHORUS 2: I always said he was a slippery character.
SHERIFF: I said gracing, not greasing you putrid peasant! Allow me to introduce my two new deputies. Smash and Grab.
SMASH: I’m Smash.
GRAB: And I’m Grab.
CHORUS 3: Where are your deputy’s badges then?
SMASH: [to Grab] I said we should have badges, didn’t I?
GRAB: Give over, you watch too many cowboy films.
SMASH: I love cowboy films. Did you know that all cowboys have three ears?
GRAB: How do you make that out?
SMASH: A left ear, a right ear. And a wild front ear. [laughs] Wild frontier! Get it?
SHERIFF: Shut up! This isn’t some stupid pantomime!
GRAB: Well, don’t tell that…[indicating audience]…lot.
SMASH: They’ve paid good money to watch this.
SHERIFF: They must have more money than sense.
GRAB: That’s because they’re filthy rich here in…[local place]
SMASH: Yeah, rich and filthy.
SHERIFF: Then, once we have fleeced…I mean helped, the good people of Sherwood. Perhaps we can lighten their load, also.
GRAB: Shall I start on them now, boss?
SHERIFF: No, later. They don’t look as though they’re going anywhere.
SMASH: They might do when they realise it doesn’t get any funnier.
SHERIFF: Now, where was I?
SMASH: You were right here with us, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: Are you an idiot?
GRAB: Yes, he is. But he’s right Sheriff, you were definitely here with us.
CHORUS 4: They’re both daft as each other!
SHERIFF: Shut up, peasants!
CHORUS 1: Pheasants?
SHERIFF: Peasants! I said peasants!
CHORUS 2: Why should we give you presents?
SMASH: Is it your birthday, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: No, it isn’t!
GRAB: Whose birthday is it then?
SHERIFF: It’s nobody’s birthday!
SMASH: It’s little Basil’s birthday today.
GRAB: Who’s Basil?
SMASH: My pet hamster. [produces a toy hamster, attached offstage by fishing-line] Let’s all sing happy birthday to him. [leads audience in singing]
SHERIFF: Get rid of that rodent before I let the jailer have it for lunch.
Hamster is pulled from Smash’s hand and offstage. Music Cue 3:
SMASH: You frightened poor Basil, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: Shut up and let’s get down to business. People of Sherwood! It’s our duty to protect you all from Robin Hood and his thieving gang of outlaws. And to fund more bobbies on the beat, your taxes will be doubled each and every week until he’s caught. So, it’s in your own interest to turn him in. Look upon it as a tax incentive. [laughs]
GRAB: A tax incentive! [laughs] I like it boss!
SHERIFF: Mother always said I had a wicked sense of humour.
SMASH: How is your old mum these days Sheriff?
SHERIFF: A martyr to her rheumatism, I’m afraid.
GRAB: All those damp walls can’t be helping.
SHERIFF: I suppose not.
SMASH: When are you going to let her out of the dungeons Sheriff?
SHERIFF: Just as soon as she’s paid her taxes.
GRAB: That sounds fair.
CHORUS 3: We don’t need protecting from Robin Hood!
CHORUS 4: He’s our friend!
SHERIFF: Then perhaps you’d like you to tell us more about your, friend.
CHORUS 1: Never!
SHERIFF: Bring him along. A stretch on the rack might loosen his tongue.
SMASH: I think it’ll loosen more than his tongue.
Smash and Grab take hold of Chorus 1.
SHERIFF: The sooner Robin Hood is captured, the better for all of you! [to Smash & Grab] Let’s go.
Exit Sheriff, Smash and Grab with Villager [SL]
Enter Robin and Merry Men [SR]
ROBIN: [cheerily] Here we are chaps, ready to enjoy some well-earned R and R.
ALAN: What’s R and R?
L. JOHN: I think it’s a round of rugby.
TUCK: Lots of rough sweaty men grabbing each other in a scrum. I don’t fancy that.
WILL: [sweetly] Well, I’m game.
ROBIN: It’s not rugby. R and R means, rest and recreation. Letting your hair down.
WILL: Don’t mention hair, Robin. Look at the state of mine after traipsing through Sherwood Forest. And to think I used to run an exclusive hair boutique.
ALAN: I thought you were a barber Will?
WILL: Wash your mouth out with soap, Alan-a-Dale! I am a hair surgeon!
L. JOHN: That explains why you charged an arm and a leg.
ALAN: And I’m an optical illuminator enhancer.
TUCK: What’s that then?
ALAN: A window cleaner. [laughs]