Robin Hood And His Merry Men

Scene One

Sherwood Village

Music cue 2: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…

Enter Sheriff, Smash and Grab (SR)

GRAB: Pray silence, for the noble Sheriff of Nottingham!

SMASH: Pray for the silence of the knobbly Sheriff!

SHERIFF: People of Sherwood! Your kind and loving Sheriff is gracing you today…

VILLAGER 1: You’re going to grease us?

VILLAGER 2: I always said he was a slippery character.

SHERIFF: I said gracing, not greasing you putrid peasant! Allow me to introduce my two new deputies. Smash and Grab.

SMASH: I’m Smash.

GRAB: And I’m Grab.

VILLAGER 3: Where are your deputy’s badges then?

SMASH: (to Grab) I said we should have badges, didn’t I?

GRAB: Give over, you watch too many cowboy films.

SMASH: I love cowboy films. Did you know that all cowboys have three ears?

GRAB: How do you make that out?

SMASH: A left ear, a right ear. And a wild front ear. (laughs) Wild frontier! Get it?

SHERIFF: Shut up! This isn’t some stupid pantomime!

GRAB: Well, don’t tell that lot. (audience)

SMASH: They’ve paid good money to watch this.

SHERIFF: They must have more money than sense.

GRAB: That’s because they’re filthy rich here in…(local place)

SMASH: Yeah, rich and filthy.

SHERIFF: Then, once we have fleeced…I mean helped, the good people of Sherwood. Perhaps we can lighten their load, also.

GRAB: Shall I start on them now, boss?

SHERIFF: No, later. They don’t look as though they’re going anywhere.

SMASH: They might when they realise it doesn’t get any funnier.

SHERIFF: Now, where was I?

SMASH: You were right here with us, Sheriff.

SHERIFF: Are you an idiot?

GRAB: Yes, he is. But he’s right Sheriff, you were definitely here with us.

VILLAGER 4: They’re both daft as each other!

Villagers laugh.

SHERIFF: Shut up, peasants!

VILLAGER 1: Pheasants?

SHERIFF: Peasants! I said peasants!

VILLAGER 2: Why should we give you presents?

SMASH: Is it your birthday, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: No, it’s not!

GRAB: Whose birthday is it then?

SHERIFF: It’s nobody’s birthday!

SMASH: It’s Basil’s birthday.

GRAB: Who’s Basil?

SMASH: My pet hamster. (produces a toy hamster, attached offstage by fishing-line) Let’s all sing happy birthday to him. (leads audience in singing)

SHERIFF: Get rid of that rodent, before I let the jailer have it for his lunch.

Hamster is pulled from Smash’s hand and offstage. Music Cue 3:

SMASH: You frightened poor Basil, Sheriff.

SHERIFF: Shut up and let’s get down to business. People of Sherwood! It’s our duty to protect you all from Robin Hood and his gang of thieving outlaws. And to fund more bobbies on the beat, your taxes will be doubled each and every week until he’s caught. So, it’s in your own interest to turn him in. Look upon it as a tax incentive. (laughs)

GRAB: A tax incentive! (laughs) I like it boss!

SHERIFF: Mother always said I had a wicked sense of humour.

SMASH: How is your old mum these days?

SHERIFF: A martyr to her rheumatism, I’m afraid.

GRAB: All those damp walls can’t help.

SHERIFF: That’s true.

SMASH: So, when are you going to let her out of the dungeons, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: Just as soon as she’s paid her back taxes.

GRAB: That sounds fair.

VILLAGER 3: We don’t need protecting from Robin Hood!

VILLAGER 4: He’s our friend!

SHERIFF: Then perhaps you’d like you to tell us more about your, friend.

VILLAGER 1: Never!

SHERIFF: Bring one of them along. A stretch on the rack might loosen their tongue.

SMASH: It’ll loosen more than their tongue, Sheriff.

Smash and Grab take hold of a Villager.

SHERIFF: The sooner Robin Hood is captured, the better for all of you! (to Smash & Grab) Let’s go.

Exit Sheriff, Smash and Grab with Villager (SL)

Enter Robin and Merry Men (SR)

ROBIN: (cheerily) Come along chaps, it’s time for a spot of R and R!

ALAN: What’s R and R?

L. JOHN: I think it’s a round of rugby.

TUCK: Lots of rough sweaty men grabbing each other in a scrum. I don’t fancy that.

WILL: (sweetly) Well, I’m game.

ROBIN: No! R and R means, rest and recreation. Letting your hair down.

WILL: Don’t mention hair, Robin. Look at the state of mine after traipsing through Sherwood Forest. And to think I used to run an exclusive hair boutique.

ALAN: I thought you were a barber?

WILL: Wash your mouth out with soap, Alan-a-Dale. I am a hair surgeon.

L. JOHN: That explains why you charged an arm and a leg.

ALAN: And I am an optical illuminator enhancer.

TUCK: What’s that then?

ALAN: A window cleaner. (laughs)

ROBIN: Let’s whet our whistle and join in the fun, lads.

L. JOHN: (notices glum Villagers) I don’t see anybody having fun.

ROBIN: (to Villager) Pardon me good woman. But why is everybody looking glum?

VILLAGER 2: It’s because the Sheriff and his men have just been.

VILLAGER 3: And he’s doubling our taxes every week until you’re caught, Robin.

WILL: That explains it then.

ROBIN: Do not despair, good people. I hear that King Richard is heading back to England’s shores this very week.

VILLAGER 4: We’ll all be very weak by the time he gets here.

TUCK: Brothers and sisters! I will feed you in your hour of need!

VILLAGER 1: We’re not that hungry!

ROBIN: What brave resilient people they are.

ALAN: If they were that brave, they would’ve eaten Tuck’s food.

WILL: He said they were brave, not suicidal.

Music cue 4: Enter Reporter (SL)

NEWS R: Mr Hood! Cheryl Budweiser CNN! May I have a word with you sir?

ROBIN: Yes, and please call me Robin.

NEWS R: You got it, Robin.

ROBIN: (flattered) Well, it’s very nice of you to say so.

NEWS R: So, how is everything going Robin?

ROBIN: Fine thanks.

NEWS R: But the Sheriff is doubling taxes each week. Prince John has vowed to hunt down you and your men and hang you all like dogs. The black death is back in town. The villagers are starving, and Friar Tuck’s cooking is getting worse.

ROBIN: Well, at least it isn’t raining.

ALAN: (dryly) Yes, mustn’t grumble.

NEWS R: Do you think you will win the fight for justice and freedom, Robin?

ROBIN: Absolutely!

NEWS R: I admire your ability to ignore the facts, and to continue fighting against insurmountable odds. I salute you sir. (to audience) This is Cheryl Budweiser, CNN, Sherwood. (exits SL)

ROBIN: I think that interview went well, men. Don’t you?

L. JOHN: Let’s return to our hideout Robin, and work on my new fitness routine.

WILL: I hope it doesn’t involve swinging through trees. The tights I’ve ruined.

ROBIN: Good people of Sherwood, we must leave you now. But we shall return, to help you in your fight against injustice!

VILLAGER 2: What about some loot to help us with our rent?

ROBIN: It’s not been a good week for us, I’m afraid. So, we’ll just take a rain cheque.

Alan-a-Dale holds out his hand.

L. JOHN: What are you doing, Alan?

ALAN: Checking for rain, like Robin said.

L. JOHN: A rain cheque means, IOU.

ALAN: How much?

L. JOHN: How much what?

ALAN: How much do you owe me?

L. JOHN: I don’t owe you anything.

ALAN: When did you pay me back?

L. JOHN: I didn’t!

ALAN: So, you still owe me then?

L. JOHN: No, but I think somebody owes you a brain.

ROBIN: Farewell, citizens of Sherwood!

Exit Robin and Merry Men exit (SL)

Enter Courgette and Marion (SR)

MARION: I love shopping, don’t you Courgette?

COURGETTE: I’m a woman, aren’t I? (to audience) No wisecracks, please. I could do with some new shoes, Marion. These old ones are past their best.

VENDOR 1: Just like their owner. (laughs)

COURGETTE: Cheek! I’ve a good mind to take my feet elsewhere.

VENDOR 1: I wish you would! (holds his nose) Phwoar!

COURGETTE: My feet don’t pong! I’ll have you know I wash them every single day!

VENDOR 1: What in? Cheese sauce?

COURGETTE: No, but I’ve had enough of your sauce!

MARION: Ignore him Courgette. He only sells seconds anyway.

COURGETTE: (picks up a shoe and drops it on stall) More like thirds, if you ask me.

MARION: I’m just off for a browse, Courgette. (moves off around stalls)

COURGETTE: (to audience) Browsing’s all Lady Marion can afford, ever since the Sheriff pinched her assets. It all happened after King Richard went off on a crusade, and his greedy brother Prince John took over the throne. He’s been taxing the poor so much they can barely afford to feed themselves, and he employs the Sheriff of Nottingham, to do his dirty work. Their only hope is Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Let me see now. There’s, Alan-a-Dale. Not very bright. He once tried milking a cow, until somebody pointed out it was a bull. He didn’t get any milk, but he made a friend for life. Friar Tuck. Who was thrown out of a monastery for having a dirty habit. Will Scarlet, Nottingham’s answer to Julian Clary. And my favourite, Little John. The Arnold Schwarzenegger of Sherwood. I’d hold his quarterstaff anytime.

MARION: (brings over a teddy) Look Courgette, isn’t it sweet?

COURGETTE: Very nice Marion. How much is it?

MARION: There’s no price tag.

COURGETTE: Leave it to me. (to Vendor 2) How much for the bear?

VENDOR 2: Three groats.

COURGETTE: That seems a bit expensive for a second-hand teddy bear.

VENDOR 2: It’s been reduced.

COURGETTE: How much was it before?

VENDOR 2: Five groats.

COURGETTE: And how much has it been reduced by, again?

VENDOR 2: Two groats.

COURGETTE: (hands over a coin) There you are then. One groat.

VENDOR 2: But the bear’s three groats!

COURGETTE: Didn’t you just say it’s been reduced by two groats – again?

VENDOR 2: Yes, but…

COURGETTE: Three minus two is one. I went to…(name of local school) Enjoy, Marion.

MARION: Thanks, Courgette. I wonder when Robin’s going to turn up.

VENDOR 2: If you mean Robin Hood. He was here earlier with his men, but then he left.

MARION: (disappointed) But he promised he’d meet me here.

COURGETTE: Maybe he forgot, Marion. He did have that nasty fall last week, remember.

MARION: It’s his own fault for swinging from tree to tree. Why can’t he walk like a normal person?

COURGETTE: I blame Spiderman.

MARION: What’s Spiderman got to do with it?

COURGETTE: He only took up swinging from trees, after watching that Spiderman movie.

MARION: I might as well go home, seeing as Robin’s already been.

COURGETTE: Okay, I’ll just buy something for the Sheriff’s tea, first. (moves to a stall)

MARION: (moves downstage lights dim and spotlight up on her) I hate living at Nottingham Castle. But staying there is the only way I can help Robin, in his fight against the Sheriff. Although I sometimes wonder why I bother. Music cue 5: Marion. After song ends…Lights return to normal.

COURGETTE: I’ve got cabbage, beans, eggs, sprouts, and gherkins.

MARION: I think we’re going to need some air-fresheners as well Courgette. (laughs)

Exit Marion and Courgette (SL)