Robin Hood And His Merry Men (Perusal)

Scene One

Sherwood Village

Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…

Enter Sheriff, Smash and Grab with the Prisoners (SR)

Grab Pray silence, for the noble Sheriff of Nottingham!

Smash Pray for the silence of the Sheriff!

Sheriff People of Sherwood! I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’m taking time out from my busy schedule, and gracing you today…

Villager 3…You’re going to grease us?

Villager 4 I always said he was a slippery character.

Sheriff I said gracing not greasing, you putrid peasant! And these two are my new deputies.

Smash I’m Smash.

Grab And I’m Grab.

Villager 1 Where are your deputy badges then?

Smash (to Grab) I told you we should have badges, didn’t I?

Grab Give over. You watch too many cowboy films.

Smash I love cowboy films me.

Grab Did you know that all cowboys have three ears?

Smash Oh no, they don’t!

Grab Oh yes, they do!

Smash How do you make that out?

Grab A left ear, a right ear. And a wild front ear. (laughs) Wild frontier! Get it?

Sheriff Shut up! This isn’t some stupid pantomime!

Smash Well, don’t tell that lot. (audience) They’ve paid good money to watch this.

Sheriff I don’t care…(eyes light up)…money you say?

Grab Yeah, they’re filthy rich here in…(local place)

Smash Yeah, rich and filthy.

Sheriff Then, once we have fleeced…I mean helped, the good people of Sherwood. Perhaps we can help lighten their load, also.

Grab Shall I start on them now, boss?

Sheriff No, later. They don’t look as though they’re about to go anywhere.

Grab They might do when they realise it doesn’t get any funnier.

Sheriff Now, where was I?

Smash You were here with us, Sheriff.

Sheriff Are you an idiot?

Grab Yes, he is. But he’s right Sheriff, you were definitely here.

Villager 2 (laughs) They’re all as daft as each other!

Sheriff Shut up, peasants!

Villager 3Pheasants?

Sheriff I said, Peasants! Peasants!

Villager 4 Why should we give you presents?

Grab Is it your birthday, Sheriff?

Sheriff No, it isn’t my birthday.

Grab Whose birthday is it then?

Sheriff It’s nobody’s birthday!

Grab Yes, it is Sheriff.

Sheriff Who’s?

Smash Basil.

Grab Who’s Basil?

Smash Basil’s my hamster. (produces a toy hamster, attached offstage by fishing-line) Let’s all sing happy birthday to him. (leads audience in singing)

Sheriff Call that singing? I’ve heard screams from the dungeons that sounded better. Get rid of that rodent, before I let the jailer have it for his lunch.

Hamster is pulled from Smash’s hand and disappears off. Music Cue 3:

Smash You frightened poor Basil off, Sheriff.

Sheriff Shut up you fool! Remember, we are here on royal business.

Grab I hope it’s not another royal variety show.

Smash That last one was like watching two hours of solid torture.

Sheriff It was two hours of solid torture. You idiots took a wrong turn and ended up in the dungeons.

Smash That would explain the screams then.

Sheriff I sometimes wonder why I employ you both.

Grab It’s because we’re cheap.

Smash Yeah! Cheap! Cheap!

Grab I didn’t know you could do bird impressions.

Sheriff He certainly has the brains for it.

Smash (flattered) Thanks, Sheriff! That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

Sheriff (to Villagers) Listen up peasants! Prince John has ordered us to protect you, from Robin Hood and his gang of thieving outlaws. And to fund more bobbies on the beat, your taxes will be doubled every week until he is caught. So, it’s in your own interest to turn him in. Look upon it as a tax incentive.

Grab A tax incentive! (laughs) I like it boss!

Sheriff Mother always said I had a wicked sense of humour.

Smash How is your mum these days?

Sheriff A martyr to her rheumatism, I’m afraid.

Grab All those damp walls can’t help.

Sheriff I suppose not.

Smash Then maybe you should free her from the dungeons?

Sheriff And I will. Just as soon as she has paid her back taxes.

Grab That sounds fair.

Villager 5 We don’t need protecting from Robin!

Villager 1 He’s our friend!

Sheriff Then perhaps you’d like you to tell us a bit more about your, friend.

Villager 1 I won’t tell you nothing!

Sheriff I hate it when people use double negatives. (to Smash & Grab) Bring him along. A stretch on the rack might loosen his tongue.

Smash I think it’ll loosen a bit more than his tongue.

Smash and Grab take hold of the Villager.

Sheriff The sooner Robin Hood is captured, the better for all you peasants! (to Smash & Grab) Let’s go.

Exit Sheriff, Smash and Grab with Villager (SL)

Enter Robin and Merry Men (SR)

Robin (cheerily) Come along chaps, it’s time for a spot of R and R!

Alan-a-Dale What’s R and R?

Little John I think it’s a round of rugby.

Friar Tuck Lots of rough sweaty men grabbing each other in a scrum. I don’t think I fancy that.

Will Scarlett (sweetly) Well, I’m game.

Robin R and R means, rest and recreation. Enjoying yourselves. Letting your hair down.

Will Scarlett Oh, don’t mention hair, Robin. (preening hair) Twenty groats this lot cost me. And now look at it, after traipsing through Sherwood Forest. And to think I used to run an exclusive hair therapy boutique.

Alan-a-Dale I thought you were a barber?

Will Scarlett Wash your mouth out with soap, Alan-a-Dale. (haughty) I am a hair surgeon.

Little John That explains why you charged an arm and a leg.

Alan-a-Dale And I am an optical illuminator enhancer.

Friar Tuck What’s that then?

Alan-a-Dale A window cleaner. (laughs)

Robin Let’s whet our whistle and join in the fun, lads.

Little John (notices glum Villagers) I don’t see anybody having fun.

Robin (to Villager 2) Pardon me my good woman. But why is everybody looking so glum?

Villager 2 It’s because the Sheriff and his men have just been.

Villager 3 And he’s doubling our taxes every week until you’re caught, Robin.

Will Scarlett That explains it then.

Robin Do not despair, good people. For I hear that King Richard is heading back to England’s shores this very week.

Villager 4 We’ll all be very weak, by the time he gets here.

Friar Tuck Brothers and sisters! I will feed you in your hour of need!

Villager 5 We’re not that hungry!

Robin What brave resilient people they are.

Alan-a-Dale If they were that brave, they would’ve eaten Tuck’s food.

Will Scarlett He said they were brave, not suicidal.

Music cue 4: Enter Isla Tellit (SL)

Isla Tellit May I have a word, Mr Hood?

Robin Please, call me Robin.

Isla Tellit You got it, Robin.

Robin (flattered) Well, it’s very nice of you to say so.

Isla Tellit interviews Robin and the Merry Men stand behind them, playing up to an imaginary camera. One holds up a sign saying, ‘HELLO MUM’.

Isla Tellit So, how is everything going Robin?

Robin Fine thanks.

Isla Tellit The Sheriff is doubling taxes each week. Prince John has vowed to hunt down you and your men and hang you all like dogs. The black death is back in town. The villagers are starving, and Friar Tuck’s cooking is getting worse.

Alan-a-Dale Well, at least it isn’t raining.

Robin Yes, mustn’t grumble.

Isla Tellit Do you think you will win the fight for justice and freedom, Robin?

Robin Absolutely!

Isla Tellit I admire your ability to ignore the facts, and to continue fighting against insurmountable odds. I salute you sir. (to audience) This is Isla Tellit, BBC News, Sherwood. (exits SL)

Robin I think that interview went well, men. Don’t you?

Little John Let’s return to our hideout, Robin. And work on my new fitness routine for us all.

Will Scarlett I hope it doesn’t involve swinging through trees. The amount of tights I’ve ruined.

Robin Good people of Sherwood, we must leave you now. But we shall return, to help you in your fight against injustice!

Villager 1 What about some loot to help us with our rent?

Robin It’s not been a very good week for us, I’m afraid. So, we’ll just take a rain cheque.

Alan-a-Dale holds out his hand.

Little John What are you doing, Alan?

Alan-a-Dale Checking for rain, like Robin said.

Little John A rain cheque means, IOU.

Alan-a-Dale How much?

Little John How much what?

Alan-a-Dale How much do you owe me?

Little John I don’t owe you anything.

Alan-a-Dale When did you pay me back?

Little John I didn’t!

Alan-a-Dale So, you still owe me then?

Little John No! But I think somebody owes you a brain.

Robin Farewell, citizens of Sherwood!

Exit Robin and Merry Men exit (SL)

Enter Courgette and Marion (SR)

Marion I love shopping, don’t you Courgette?

Courgette I’m a woman aren’t I, Marion? (to audience) No wisecracks, please. I could do with some new shoes. These old ones are past their best.

Stallholder 1 Just like their owner. (laughs)

Courgette Cheek! I’ve a good mind to take my feet elsewhere.

Stallholder 1 I wish you would! (holds his nose) Phwoar!

Courgette How dare you insinuate my feet pong. I’ll have you know I wash them, every day.

Stallholder 1 What in? Cheese sauce?

Courgette (rolling up her sleeves) I’ve had enough of your sauce!

Marion (calming her) Ignore him Courgette. He only sells seconds anyway.

Courgette (picks up a shoe and drops it on the stall) More like thirds if you ask me.

Marion I’m just off for a browse, Courgette. (moves off around the stalls)

Courgette (to audience) Browsing is all poor Marion can afford, ever since the Sheriff pinched her assets.

Marion picks a teddy bear from a stall, drops it and bends down to pick it up.

Courgette (glances at Marion) Not those assets! I suppose I’d better explain the story, hadn’t I? Seeing as we can’t put the whole plot in the programme. It all started when King Richard went off on a crusade, and his brother Prince John took over the throne. But unlike King Richard, he’s nasty and greedy and employs the Sheriff of Nottingham, to do his dirty work. He’s taxing the poor that much, they can barely afford to feed themselves. Their only hope is Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Let me see now. There’s, Alan-a-Dale. Not very bright. He once tried milking a cow, until somebody pointed out it was a bull. He didn’t get any milk, but he made a friend for life. Then there’s Friar Tuck. He was thrown out of the monastery for having a dirty habit. Will Scarlett. Nottingham’s answer to Julian Clary. And my favourite, Little John. The Arnold Schwarzenegger of Sherwood. I’d wouldn’t mind holding his quarterstaff.

Marion(showing the Teddy Bear) Look Courgette, isn’t it sweet?

Courgette Very nice Marion. How much is it?

Marion There’s no price tag.

Courgette Leave it to me. (to Stallholder 2) How much for the bear?

Stallholder 2 Three groats.

Courgette That seems a bit expensive for a second-hand teddy bear.

Stallholder 2 It’s been reduced.

Courgette How much was it before?

Stallholder 2 Five groats.

Courgette And how much has it been reduced by, again?

Stallholder 2 Two groats.

Courgette (hands over a coin) There you are then. One groat.

Stallholder 2 But the bear’s three groats!

Courgette Didn’t you just say it’s been reduced by two groats, again?

Stallholder 2 Yes, but…

Courgette…Three minus two is one. I went to…(name of local school – moves away)

Marion Thanks, Courgette. But you really shouldn’t have.

Courgette Nonsense, Marion. You deserve a little treat.

Marion Speaking of treats. (looking around) I wonder when Robin’s going to turn up.

Courgette Be careful, Marion. We don’t want anybody overhearing us, mentioning Robin.

Marion Who’s going to hear us out here?

Courgette You know what they say Marion. (glancing at Stalls) Stalls have ears. (laughs)

Stallholder 1 If you’re looking for Robin Hood. He was here earlier.

Marion (disappointed) But he promised he’d meet me here.

Courgette Maybe he forgot, Marion. He did have that nasty fall last week, remember.

Marion It’s his own fault for swinging from trees. Why can’t he walk like a normal person?

Courgette I blame Spiderman.

Marion What’s Spiderman got to do with it?

Courgette Well, he only took up swinging from trees after watching that Spiderman movie.

Marion (sadly) I might as well go home, seeing as Robin’s already been.

Courgette Okay, dear. I’ll just buy something for the Sheriff’s tea, first. (moves to a stall)

Marion (moves downstage lights dim – spotlight on her) I hate living at Nottingham Castle. But staying there is the only way I can help Robin, in his fight against the Sheriff. Although I sometimes wonder why I bother. Music cue 5: Marion. After song ends…Lights return to normal.

Courgette I’ve got cabbage, beans, eggs, sprouts, and gherkins. Oh, and some air-fresheners.

Marion I think we’re going to need them, Courgette. (laughs)

Exit Marion and Courgette (SL)