SCENE ONE
SHERWOOD VILLAGE
Music cue 2: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…
Enter Sheriff, Smash and Grab [SR]
GRAB: Pray silence for the noble Sheriff of Nottingham!
SMASH: Pray for the silence of the knobbly Sheriff!
SHERIFF: People of Sherwood! Your benevolent Sheriff is gracing you today…
CHORUS 1: He’s going to grease us!
CHORUS 2: I always said he was a slippery character.
SHERIFF: I said ‘gracing’, not greasing, you putrid peasant! Meet my new deputies!
SMASH: I’m Smash.
GRAB: And I’m Grab.
CHORUS 3: Where are your deputies badges?
SMASH: I told you we should have badges, Grab!
GRAB: Give over, Smash, you watch too many cowboy films.
SMASH: I love cowboy movies. Do you know why cowboys always ride on horses?
GRAB: No, why do cowboys always ride on horses?
SMASH: Because they’re too heavy to carry. [laughs]
GRAB: Which famous cowboy actor has just gone broke?
SMASH: I don’t know, which famous cowboy actor has just gone broke?
GRAB: Skint Eastwood! [laughs]
SMASH: Did you know that all cowboys have three ears?
GRAB: How do you make that out?
SMASH: A left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear. [laughs] Wild frontier! Get it?
SHERIFF: Shut up, you idiot, this isn’t some stupid pantomime!
SMASH: Well, don’t tell them…[audience]…they’ve paid good money to watch this.
SHERIFF: They must have more money than sense.
GRAB: That’s because they’re filthy rich here in…[local place]
SMASH: Yeah, rich and filthy.
SHERIFF: Then once we have fleeced, I mean…helped, the good folk of Sherwood. Perhaps we can lighten their load also.
GRAB: Shall I start on them now, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: No, later, they don’t look as though they’re going anywhere.
SMASH: They might do when they realise it doesn’t get any funnier.
SHERIFF: Now, where was I?
SMASH: You were here with us, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: Are you an idiot?
GRAB: Yes, he is, Sheriff; but he’s right, you were definitely here with us.
CHORUS 4: They’re all as daft as each other!
Chorus laugh.
SHERIFF: Shut up, peasants!
CHORUS 1: Pheasants?
SHERIFF: I said, ‘peasants’, peasants!
CHORUS 2: Why should we give you presents?
SMASH: Is it your birthday, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: No, it isn’t!
GRAB: Then whose birthday is it?
SHERIFF: It’s nobody’s birthday!
SMASH: It’s little Basil’s birthday.
GRAB: Who’s Basil?
SMASH: He’s my pet hamster. [produces toy hamster, attached offstage by fishing-line] Let’s all sing happy birthday to him. [leads audience]
SHERIFF: Get rid of that rodent, before I let the Jailer have it for his lunch!
Music Cue 3: Hamster is pulled from Smash’s hand and flies offstage.
SMASH: You frightened little Basil away, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: Shut up! People of Sherwood, it’s my duty to protect you from Robin Hood and his thieving gang of outlaws. And to fund more bobbies on the beat, your taxes will be doubled each and every week until he is caught. So, it’s in your own best interest to turn him in. Look upon it as a tax incentive.
GRAB: A tax incentive! [laughs] I like it, Sheriff!
SHERIFF: Mother always said I had a wicked sense of humour.
SMASH: How is your old mum these days?
SHERIFF: A martyr to her rheumatism, I’m afraid.
GRAB: All those damp walls can’t be helping.
SMASH: When will you release her from prison, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: Just as soon as she pays her tax arrears.
GRAB: That sounds fair.
CHORUS 3: We don’t need protecting from Robin Hood!
CHORUS 4: Robin’s our friend!
SHERIFF: Then perhaps I can persuade you to tell us more about your, friend.
CHORUS 4: I’d never snitch on Robin.
SHERIFF: Bring him along! A stretch on the rack might loosen his tongue.
SMASH: I think it’ll loosen more than his tongue, Sheriff.
SHERIFF: The sooner we capture Hood, the better for all of you! Let’s go, deputies.
Exit Sheriff, Smash Grab and Chorus 4 [SL]
Enter Robin and Merry Men [SR]
ROBIN: Here we are, chaps, all ready to enjoy some well-earned R and R.
ALAN: What’s R and R?
L. JOHN: I think it’s a round of rugby.
TUCK: Big rough, sweaty men grabbing each other in a scrum; I don’t fancy that.
WILL: [camply] Well, I’m game.
ROBIN: R and R means rest and recreation. Letting your hair down.
WILL: Don’t mention hair, Robin. Look at the state of mine after traipsing through Sherwood Forest. And to think I used to run an exclusive hair boutique.
ALAN: I thought you were a barber, Will.
WILL: Wash your mouth out with soap, Alan-a-Dale! I am a hair surgeon!
L. JOHN: That explains why you charge an arm and a leg.
ALAN: And I’m an optical illuminator enhancer.
TUCK: What’s an optical illuminator enhancer?
ALAN: A window cleaner. [laughs]
