Red Riding Hood The Panto

Scene One

The Town Of Barking

(USR) is a signpost, that reads BARKING WOODS. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Peter (SR) sweeping the stage.

PETER: Hiya boys and girls! Welcome to the little town of Barking. I’m Peter Piper,

and I’m the town’s, Waste Disposal And Environment Enhancement Officer.

CHORUS 1: I thought you were a road sweeper, Peter?

CHORUS 2: He is, but the council have just given all its workers new job titles.

CHORUS 3: My favourite is, Municipal Optical Illumination Facilitator.

CHORUS 4: What’s that then?

CHORUS 5: Council Window Cleaner.

Exit Chorus (SR) laughing.

PETER: I like my new title – it makes my job sound interesting. As you know, all council workers are a friendly lot and enjoy a bit of fun. So, whenever I come on. I’ll shout who let the dogs out? And you all respond, who…who…who…who? Will you do that? Well we are in Barking, so it’s pretty apt. Let’s have a go then. (exits and re-enters) Who let the dogs out? (repeat until happy) Fantastic!

Enter Barney (SL) wearing several pairs of socks and no shoes.

BARNEY: Hello, Peter.

PETER: Hiya Barney! ‘Ere! How come you aren’t wearing any shoes?

BARNEY: Mum said that I should wear a new pair of socks every single day. And now I can’t get my shoes on.

PETER: You’re supposed to take the old pair off first, Barney.

BARNEY: Oh, yeah. I never thought of that.

PETER: So, where are you off to Barney?

BARNEY: I’ve been for a job interview.

PETER: What job was it for?

BARNEY: Village idiot.

PETER: And did you get it?

BARNEY: No, they said I wasn’t the biggest idiot they’d seen.

PETER: I’d appeal if I were you.

BARNEY: What was all that barking I heard earlier?

PETER: (indicating audience) It was that lot down there.

BARNEY: But they’re not dogs.

PETER: I know they’re not dogs, Barney. I was just playing a little game with them.

BARNEY: What game’s that then?

PETER: I shout, who let the dogs out? And they shout back, who…who…who…who?

BARNEY: And who did let them out?

PETER: Who let what out?

BARNEY: All those dogs?

PETER: There are no dogs, Barney!

BARNEY: Then what was all that barking I heard just now?

PETER: (to audience) Ever get the feeling you’re going around in circles?

Enter Red Riding Hood (SR) reading a letter.

PETER: Hiya Red!

RED: Oh, hello Peter!

PETER: What’s that you’re reading?

RED: It’s a letter from Granny Hood, asking when I’m going to visit her again.

BARNEY: I wrote a letter once.

PETER: How Barney? You’ve never been to school in your life.

BARNEY: That’s because school is a complete waste of time.

RED: Oh no, it isn’t!

BARNEY: Oh yes, it is! (to audience) Isn’t it boys and girls?

PETER: (to audience) You’re not supposed to agree with him.

RED: What makes you think school’s a waste of time, Barney?

BARNEY: Because the more you learn, the more you can forget. And the more you forget, the less you know. Whereas the less you learn, the less you can forget. And the less you forget, the more you know. Simple.

PETER: You certainly are.

RED: So, what was this letter you wrote, Barney?

BARNEY: A.

PETER: Eh?

BARNEY: That’s right.

PETER: (realising) Oh, A!

BARNEY: No, just A.

RED: Scintillating as this conversation is, I really must be off. I need to buy some goodies to take to Gran’s.

BARNEY: And I need to buy a 21st birthday card for my girlfriend, who’s 26 today.

PETER: If she’s 26, then why are you buying her a 21st birthday card?

BARNEY: Because when she was at school, her teacher said she was five years behind the rest of the class. Bye! (exits SR)

PETER: He’s on a different planet to the everybody else. Speaking of girlfriends, Red. How would you like to be mine?

RED: I’m very flattered Peter, but I’m not really after a boyfriend right now.

PETER: Well let me know when you are, and I’ll make sure I’m at the front of the queue.

RED: (laughs) You are funny, Peter. I’ll see you later, then. (exits SL)

PETER: I fancy Red like mad, but she doesn’t seem interested in me. (elicit audience sympathy) It’s sadder than that!

Enter Chorus (SR)

CHORUS 1: Hiya Peter!

PETER: (downbeat) Hi guys.

CHORUS 2: What’s wrong, Peter? You look a bit down.

PETER: It’s because nobody ever takes me seriously.

CHORUS 3: Well, you are playing the comic lead.

PETER: Then maybe I’ll go for a baddie part next year.

CHORUS 4: Well, just remember, baddies always get their just desserts in the end.

PETER: Sounds good to me. I just love desserts.

CHORUS 4: I meant, as in their comeuppance.

PETER: I know that, silly! I was being funny?

CHORUS 5: That’ll be the day.

Enter Mayor and Clarence (SL) The Mayor carries a rolled-up poster.

CLARENCE: Listen up folks! The Mayor has something urgent to impart!

CHORUS 1: He’s always imparting. (wafting) Phwoar!

MAYOR: As you all know, Barking Town was once terrorised by The Big Bad Wolf.

CHORUS 2: We’ll never forget it.

CHORUS 3: Thank goodness the royal huntsman captured it and locked it up.

CHORUS 4: Now we can all sleep soundly in our beds.

MAYOR: And you will again – just as soon as it’s been re-captured.

CHORUS 5: Re-captured?

PETER: You mean, it’s escaped?

MAYOR: Yes, but don’t panic. The King has sent the royal huntsman, to re-capture it. Until then, stay inside and lock your windows and doors. Meanwhile, I’ll be…

CLARENCE: Hiding under the bed.

MAYOR: No, I won’t!

CLARENCE: But you said…?

MAYOR: Be quiet, Clarence! I will be monitoring the situation very closely.

SFX: Wolf howl.

CHORUS: It’s the Wolf!

Exit Chorus (SL) screaming.

MAYOR: (handing over poster) Pin this notice up on the signpost, Peter. Come along Clarence. We’ll return to the town hall and hide…I mean…monitor the situation.

Exit Mayor and Clarence at a run (SL)

PETER: (unrolls notice and reads) KEEP OUT OF WOODS! BIG BAD WOLF ON THE LOOSE! I’d better pin this up and clear off, before it turns up. (pins notice up)

Enter Red (SR) carrying a small basket.

RED: Hello again, Peter. I’m just off to Gran’s cottage in the woods.

PETER: No Red, you mustn’t go in the woods!

RED: Why not?

PETER: The Big Bad Wolf is on the loose. (indicating poster) See?

RED: But I’ve got all these goodies for Gran.

PETER: It’s too dangerous to go into the woods alone.

RED: Then I’ll need somebody brave and fearless like you, to protect me.

PETER: (uneasy) I don’t know, Red. The Wolf’s a dangerous, savage beast.

RED: (taking his arm) I’d be ever so grateful, Peter.

PETER: Let me think it over. (goes downstage to audience) I don’t fancy bumping into the Wolf, but I don’t want Red thinking I’m a scaredy-cat. (to audience) What do you think I should do, boys and girls? You’re right, faint-heart never one fair lady. (turns) Okay Red, I’ll come with you.

RED: Oh Peter, you’re just my absolute hero! (kisses him on the cheek)

PETER: (thumbs up) I think I’ve cracked it! (offering arm) Let’s go Red.

Exit both (USL)

Music cue 4: Enter Granny galloping on (SR) in a riding outfit, with riding-hat and crop. She gallops around stage slapping her rump with the crop.

GRANNY: Tally-ho! (to audience) The star of the show has arrived, so give me a big smile and show off your teeth. No dear, I didn’t mean take them out and hold them up. I’m Harriet Hood, and I’m Little Red’s Gran. I’m also single and on the lookout for a new husband. Me and my last husband were astrologically incompatible. I was a Virgo and he was an idiot. He said he wanted more space, so I locked him outside until he went away. But I haven’t been well lately you know. (elicit sympathy) I went to see the doctor, and they said I was suffering from hypochondria. I said, not that as well! As you can probably guess by my attire, I’ve just been for out a gallop. I’ve ridden across miles of fields and jumped over lots of hedgerows. Although it might have been easier if I’d been on a horse. Now being a horsey type I tend to go around shouting tally-ho a lot. So anytime you hear me shouting, tally-ho boys and girls! I want you all to shout back, tally-ho Gran! Okay? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Tally-ho, boys and girls! (response) Wonderful! Now, I must be off. I’m taking class today at…(local school) See you all later! (exits at a run SL)

Enter Barney (SL) holding a large envelope.

BARNEY: Hello again. I’ve bought my girlfriend a Christmas card for her birthday. I was going to get her a birthday card, but then I remembered I bought her a birthday card last Christmas, and she said she would’ve preferred a Christmas card instead. (sees notice) What’s this notice? It looks important, but I can’t read. I know, I’ll take it to somebody who can read and ask them what it says. (removes notice and rolls it up)

Music cue 5: Enter The Three Little Pigs (SR) in builder’s dungarees.

PINKY: (to audience) Hello everybody! I’m Pinky!

PERKY: I’m Perky!

PORKY: And I’m Porky!

PINKY: And we are…

PIGS: The Three Little Pigs!

BARNEY: (to audience) I wonder if pigs can read?

PERKY: Hello friend – how’s tricks?

BARNEY: How should I know? I’m not a magician.

PORKY: (to other Pigs) He must be the village idiot.

BARNEY: No, I’m not. I failed the interview.

PINKY: They have interviews for village idiots!?

BARNEY: Yes, but I wasn’t stupid enough. So, I’m going to school to learn to be even more stupid.

PERKY: You can’t learn to be stupid!

BARNEY: Oh yes, you can!

PIGS: Oh no, you can’t!

BARNEY: Then how come my dad used to hit me on the head every day and say, I’ll teach you to be stupid?

PORKY: I think that explains a lot.

BARNEY: Why are you all dressed as builders?

PINKY: Because that’s what we are?

BARNEY: What do you build, then?

PINKY: We build houses, using straw…

PERKY: Sticks…

PORKY: Or bricks – depending on your budget.

PINKY: Although I wouldn’t recommend straw.

PERKY: Or sticks.

PORKY: We had a bad experience with those – didn’t we guys?

PINKY: We sure did. I built my house from straw and The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and blew it down. So I escaped to Perky’s house made of sticks.

PERKY: The Wolf also blew that down and we escaped to Porky’s house made of bricks.

PORKY: He tried but couldn’t blow mine down, which saved us from becoming his lunch.

PINKY: But now he’s locked up, he won’t bother us anymore.

PERKY: Our only concern now, is what to call our new building firm.

PORKY: The name must have a good ring to it.

BARNEY: What about, Doorbell? That has a good ring to it.

PINKY: No. It needs to be something snappy.

BARNEY: Mousetrap?

PERKY: I would’ve definitely given you the job of village idiot, friend.

PORKY: I’ve got it!

Pinky and Perky move away.

PINKY: Not – swine flu!?

PORKY: No! The name of our new company.

PERKY: What?

PORKY: Pigging Builders!

PINKY: We can’t call ourselves, Pigging Builders!

PERKY: Why not? That’s what everybody else will be calling us.

BARNEY: Any chance of a job?

PINKY: Have you any experience in the building trade?

BARNEY: I once built a house out of Lego.

PORKY: We’ll let you know.

BARNEY: (produces poster) I found this notice pinned up outside the woods. It looks important, but I can’t read. Would you mind reading it for me?

PINKY: No problem. (reads) It’s a notice warning that The Big Bad Wolf is loose!

PERKY: The Big Bad Wolf is on the loose!?

PORKY: I thought he’d been locked up for good!

SFX: Wolf howl.

PINKY: It’s the Wolf!

PERKY: What’ll we do?

PORKY: Run for our lives!

Exit The Three Little Pigs at a run (SR) squealing and snorting.

BARNEY: Luckily, I’m too stupid to be scared of wolves. Which reminds me, I’d better get to school. (waves) Bye! (exits SL)