Red Riding Hood The Panto

Scene One

The Town Of Winalot

(USR) is a signpost, which reads TO WINALOT WOODS. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Peter (SR) sweeping the stage.

Peter Hiya boys and girls! (response) Welcome to the town of Winalot. I’m Peter Piper, and I’m the town’s, Waste Disposal And Environmental Enhancement Officer.

Chorus 1 I thought you were a road sweeper.

Peter I am.

Chorus 2 Then why don’t you just say, road sweeper?

Peter I’m not responsible for council job titles.

Chorus 3 When did councils start giving simple jobs complicated titles?

Chorus 4 My favourite is, Municipal Optical Illumination Facilitator.

Peter What’s that then?

Chorus 5 Window cleaner.

Exit Chorus (SR) laughing.

Peter (to audience) I like my big new title. Although I’d like it even more if it came with a big new wage rise. Now, as you know, us council workers are a friendly lot. So, whenever I come on. I’ll shout a friendly greeting and I’d like you all to respond. Will you do that? (And as we’re in Winalot, I thought I’d pick something appropriate. So, I’ll shout who let the dogs out? And you all respond, who…who…who…who? Okay? Let’s have a go then. (exits and re-enters) Who let the dogs out? (repeat until happy) Fantastic!

Enter Barney (SL) wearing several pairs of socks and no shoes.

Peter Hiya Barney!

Barney Hello, Peter.

Peter How come you’re not wearing any shoes Barney?

Barney Mum said that I should always wear a new pair of socks every day. And now I can’t get my shoes on.

Peter You’re supposed to take the old pair off first, Barney.

Barney Oh, yeah. I never thought of that.

Peter So, what are you up to today, Barney?

Barney I’ve just been for a job interview.

Peter What job was it for?

Barney Village idiot.

Peter And did you get it?

Barney No. They said I was overqualified.

Peter How is that even possible!?

Barney What was all that barking I heard earlier, Peter?

Peter (indicating audience) It was all that lot down there.

Barney But they’re not dogs.

Peter I know that Barney. I’m Just playing a game with them.

Barney Is it called, fetch?

Peter No! I shout, who let the dogs out? And they respond, who…who…who…who?

Barney I see. And who did let them out, then?

Peter Let out what?

Barney All those dogs?

Peter There are no dogs, Barney!

Barney Then what was all that barking I heard just now?

Peter (to audience) Ever get the feeling that you’re going around in circles?

Enter Red Riding Hood (SR) reading a letter.

Peter Hiya Red! What’s that you’re reading?

Red It’s a letter from Granny Hood, asking when I’m going to visit her again.

Barney I wrote a letter once.

Peter How, Barney? You’ve never been to school in your life.

Barney That’s because school is a complete waste of time.

Red Oh no, it isn’t!

Barney Oh yes, it is! (to audience) Isn’t it boys and girls?

Peter (to audience) You’re not supposed to agree with him.

Red What makes you think that school’s a waste of time, Barney?

Barney Because the more you learn, the more you can forget. And the more you forget, the less you know. Whereas, the less you learn, the less you can forget. And the less you forget, the more you know. Simple.

Peter You certainly are.

Red So, what was this letter you wrote then, Barney?

Barney A.

Peter Eh?

Barney That’s right.

Peter (realising) Oh, A!

Barney No, just A.

Red Scintillating as this conversation is, I really must be off. I need to buy some goodies to take to Gran’s.

Barney And I need to buy a 21st…(alter relevant to actor’s age)…birthday card for my girlfriend, who is 26 today.

Peter If she’s 26, then why are you buying her a 21st birthday card?

Barney Because when she was at school. Her teacher said that she was five years behind the rest of the class. Bye then! (exits SR)

Peter (to audience) He’s on a different planet to the rest of us. Speaking of girlfriends, Red. How would you like to be mine?

Red I’m very flattered Peter, but I’m not currently looking for a boyfriend.

Peter Well let me know when you are, and I’ll make sure I’m at the front of the queue.

Red (laughs) You are funny, Peter. See you later, then. (exits SL)

Peter (to audience) I fancy Red like mad, but she doesn’t seem interested in me. (elicits audience sympathy) It’s sadder than that!

Enter Chorus (SR)

Chorus 1 Hiya Peter!

Peter (downbeat) Hi guys.

Chorus 2 What’s wrong, Peter? You look really down this morning.

Peter It’s because nobody ever takes me seriously.

Chorus 3 Well, you are playing the comic lead.

Peter Then maybe I’ll go for a baddie part next year.

Chorus 4 Well, just remember. In the end, baddies always get their just desserts.

Peter Sounds good to me. I love desserts.

Chorus 4 I meant, as in their comeuppance.

Peter I know that! I was being funny?

Chorus 5 That’ll be the day.

Chorus laugh.

Enter Mayor and Clarence (SL) The Mayor carries a rolled-up notice.

Clarence (loudly) Listen up everybody! The Mayor has something urgent to impart!

Chorus 1 He’s always imparting. (wafting) Phwoar!

Peter and Chorus laugh.

Mayor This is no laughing matter!

Peter Sorry, Mr Mayor. Please do continue.

Mayor Thank you. Now, as you all know. Winalot was once terrorised by The Big Bad Wolf.

Chorus 2 We’ll never forget it.

Chorus 3 Thank goodness the royal huntsman captured it and locked it up.

Chorus 4 And now we can all sleep soundly in our beds.

Mayor And you will again. Just as soon as it’s been re-captured.

Chorus 5 Re-captured? You mean, it’s escaped?

Mayor Yes, but don’t panic. The royal huntsman, will soon re-capture it. Until then, stay inside and lock your windows and doors. Meanwhile, I will be…

Clarence…Hiding under the bed.

Mayor No, I won’t!

Clarence But you said…?

Mayor…Be quiet, Clarence! I was about to say. I will be monitoring the situation.

SFX: Wolf howl.

Chorus It’s the Wolf!

Exit Chorus (SL) screaming.

Peter Why is it when people are told not to panic, it’s the first thing they do?

Mayor (handing over the notice) Here, Peter. Pin this notice up on that signpost. Come along Clarence. We’ll return to the town hall and hide…I mean…monitor, the situation.

Exit Mayor and Clarence at a run (SL)

SFX: Wolf howl.

Peter (unrolls notice and reads) KEEP OUT! BIG BAD WOLF ON THE LOOSE! I’d better pin this up and clear off, before it turns up. (pins notice on the signpost)

Enter Red (SR) carrying a small basket.

Red Hello again, Peter.

Peter Where are you going, Red?

Red To my Gran’s cottage, deep in the wood.

Peter No Red, you mustn’t go in the wood.

Red Why not?

Peter Because, The Big Bad Wolf is on the loose. (indicating poster) See?

Red But I’ve got all these lovely goodies for her.

Peter I’m sorry, Red. But it’s much too dangerous to go into the woods alone.

Red Then why don’t you come with me, Peter?

Peter (exclaims) Me!? But the Wolf is a dangerous, savage beast!

Red Then I’ll need somebody brave and fearless to protect me.

Peter (uneasy) I don’t know, Red…

Red (touching his arm – coyly) I’d be ever so grateful, Peter.

Peter Give me a minute think it over. (goes downstage, whilst Red checks the contents of her basket) I don’t fancy bumping into the Wolf, but I don’t want Red thinking I’m a scaredy-cat. (to audience) What do you think I should do, boys and girls? You’re right, faint-heart never one fair lady. (turns) Okay Red, I’ll come with you.

Red Oh Peter, you’re just my absolute hero! (kisses him on the cheek)

Peter (thumbs up to audience) I think I’ve cracked it! (offering his arm) Let’s go Red.

Exit both (USL)

Music cue 4: Enter Granny galloping on (SR) in a riding outfit, complete with riding-hat and crop. She gallops around stage slapping her rump with the crop.

Granny Tally-ho! (to audience) I’m sorry if things have been a bit slow so far, but now the star of the show has arrived, things are bound to improve. Now, give me a big smile and show off your teeth. No dear, I don’t mean take them out and pass them around. Now, let me to introduce myself. I’m Harriet Hood, and I’m Little Red’s Gran. I’m also single and on the lookout for a husband. My last one said he needed more space, so I locked him outside until he cleared off. We were totally incompatible. I was a Virgo and he was an idiot. He once got splinters in his fingers from scratching his head. But I haven’t been well lately. (elicit sympathy) I went to the doctor and he said I was suffering from hypochondria. I said, not that as well! My late mother was a hopeless hypochondriac and was always looking up her symptoms, on one of those health websites. She eventually died of a misprint. Now, as you can probably guess by my attire. I’ve just been for out a gallop. I’ve ridden across miles of fields and jumped over dozens of hedgerows. Although it might have been easier if I’d been on a horse. Being a horsey type. I tend to go around shouting tally-ho a lot. So anytime you hear me shouting, tally-ho boys and girls! I want you all to shout back, tally-ho Gran! Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (exits and returns) Tally-ho, boys and girls! (response) Wonderful! Anyway, I must be off. I’m taking class today at…(local school) See you later, boys and girls! (gallops off SL)