THE TOWN OF BARKING
[USR] is a signpost, that reads BARKING WOODS. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Peter [SR] sweeping stage.
PETER: Hiya boys and girls! Welcome to the beautiful town of Barking. I’m Peter Piper, and I’m the town’s, Waste Disposal And Environment Enhancement Officer.
CHORUS 1: I thought you were a road sweeper, Peter.
CHORUS 2: He is, but the council has just given all its workers new job titles.
CHORUS 3: My favourite is, Municipal Optical Illumination Facilitator.
CHORUS 4: What’s that then?
CHORUS 3: Council Window Cleaner.
Exit Chorus [SR] laughing.
PETER: I like my new title it makes me sound important. Now, as you know, all council workers are a friendly and fun-loving lot. So, whenever I come on. I’ll shout who let the dogs out? And you all respond, who…who…who…who? Will you do that? Well, we are in Barking, so it’s pretty apt. Let’s have a go then. [exits and re-enters] Who let the dogs out? [repeat until happy] Fantastic!
Enter Barney [SL] wearing several pairs of socks and no shoes.
BARNEY: Hello, Peter.
PETER: Hiya Barney! How come you aren’t wearing any shoes today?
BARNEY: Mum said that I should always put on a new pair of socks every single day, and now I can’t get my shoes on.
PETER: You’re supposed to take the old pair off first!
BARNEY: Oh yeah, I never thought of that – thanks Peter.
PETER: So, what are you up to today, Barney?
BARNEY: I’ve just been for a job interview.
PETER: What job was it for?
BARNEY: Village idiot.
PETER: And did you get it?
BARNEY: No, they said I wasn’t stupid enough.
PETER: I’d appeal if I were you.
BARNEY: What was all that barking I heard earlier about?
PETER: I was just playing a little game with the audience.
BARNEY: What game’s that then?
PETER: I shout, who let the dogs out? And they shout back, who…who…who…who?
BARNEY: And who did let them out?
PETER: Who let what out?
BARNEY: All those dogs?
PETER: There are no dogs, Barney!
BARNEY: So, what was all that barking I heard earlier about?
PETER: This is starting to feel like groundhog day.
Enter Red Riding Hood [SR] reading a letter.
PETER: Hello Red!
RED: [looks up] Oh, hello Peter.
PETER: What’s that you’re reading Red?
RED: It’s a letter from Granny Hood, asking me when I’m going to visit her again.
BARNEY: I wrote a letter once.
PETER: How Barney? You’ve never been to school in your life.
BARNEY: That’s because school’s a complete waste of time.
RED: Oh no, it isn’t!
BARNEY: Oh yes, it is! [to audience] Isn’t it boys and girls?
PETER: [to audience] You’re not supposed to agree with him!
RED: What makes you think that school’s a waste of time, Barney?
BARNEY: Because the more you learn the more you can forget, and the more you forget the less you know. Whereas the less you learn the less you can forget, and the less you forget, the more you know – simple.
PETER: You certainly are.
RED: So, what was this letter you wrote, Barney?
BARNEY: That’s right.
PETER: [realising] Oh, A!
BARNEY: No, just A.
RED: As scintillating as this conversation is, I really must be going. I need to buy some goodies to take to gran’s.
BARNEY: And I need to buy some elbow grease.
PETER: Elbow grease is just a saying Barney.
BARNEY: And mum says I need to use some to scrub the oven. Bye for now! [exits SR]
PETER: I’ve been thinking Red.
RED: What about Peter?
PETER: About whether you’d like to be my girlfriend?
RED: I’m very flattered Peter, but I’m not really after a boyfriend right now.
PETER: Well let me know when you are, and I’ll make sure I’m at the front of the queue.
RED: [laughs] You’re so funny, Peter. I’ll see you later, then. [exits SL]
PETER: I fancy Red like mad, but she doesn’t seem to take me seriously.
Enter Chorus [SR]
CHORUS 1: Hi Peter!
PETER: [downbeat] Hi guys.
CHORUS 2: What’s the matter, Peter? You look a bit down today.
PETER: It’s because nobody ever takes me seriously.
CHORUS 3: Well, you are playing the comic lead.
PETER: Then maybe I’ll go for a baddie part next year.
CHORUS 4: Well, just remember, baddies always get their just desserts in the end.
PETER: Sounds good to me. I just love desserts.
CHORUS 4: I meant, as in their comeuppance.
PETER: I know that! I was being funny?
CHORUS 5: That’ll be the day.
Enter Mayor and Clarence [SL] The Mayor carries a rolled-up poster.
CLARENCE: Listen up everybody, Mr Lord Mayor has something urgent to impart!
CHORUS 1: I think he’s already imparted it! [wafts] Phwoar!
MAYOR: As you all know, Barking Town was once terrorised by The Big Bad Wolf.
CHORUS 2: We’ll never forget it.
CHORUS 3: Thank goodness the royal huntsman captured it and locked it up.
CHORUS 4: And now we can all sleep soundly in our beds.
MAYOR: And you will again, just as soon as it’s been re-captured.
CHORUS 5: Re-captured?