Scene One
The Town Of Winalot
A typical panto town (USR) is a signpost, which reads ‘To The Woods’. Music cue 3: Townsfolk. After song ends…Peter enters (SR) sweeping the stage.
Peter Hiya boys and girls! (response) Welcome to the town of Winalot. I’m Peter Piper, and I’m the town’s Waste Disposal And Environmental Enhancement Officer.
Townie 1 You mean, you’re a road-sweeper?
Peter Yes.
Townie 2 Then why don’t you just say, road-sweeper?
Peter I’m not responsible for job titles. (to audience) Now as you know, us council workers are a friendly lot. So, whenever I come on. I’ll shout a friendly greeting and I’d like you all to respond. Will you do that? (response) Great! And as we’re in Winalot, I thought I’d shout, who let the dogs out? And you can respond, who…who…who…who? Pretty apt, don’t you think? Let’s have a go then. (exits and re-enters) Who let the dogs out? (response) Fantastic!
Barney enters (SL) wearing several pairs of socks and no shoes.
Townie 3 Hiya Barney!
Barney Hello!
Townie 4 Hey, Barney! How come you’re not wearing any shoes?
Barney Mum told me to wear a new pair of socks every day. And now I can’t get my shoes on.
Townie 5 You’re supposed to take the old pair off first.
Barney I never thought of that.
Townies exit (USR) laughing.
Peter How’s things, Barney?
Barney I’ve just been for a job interview.
During the following conversation between Peter and Barney. Hammer and Tongs enter (USL) dressed as typical burglars. They scout around upstage, pointing and whispering, whilst taking notes, unnoticed by Peter and Barney.
Peter What job was it for?
Barney Village idiot.
Peter And did you get it?
Barney No. They said I was overqualified.
Peter How is that even possible?
Barney What was all that barking I heard earlier?
Peter (indicating audience) It was that lot down there.
Barney But they’re not dogs.
Peter I know that Barney. I’m Just playing a game with them.
Barney Fetch?
Peter No! I shout, who let the dogs out? And they respond, who…who…who…who?
Barney I see. And who did let them out, then?
Peter Let what out?
Barney All those dogs?
Peter There are no dogs, Barney.
Barney Then what was all that barking I heard just now?
Peter (to audience) Ever get the feeling that you’re going around in circles?
Hammer and Tongs exit (USR) as Red Riding Hood enters (DSR) reading a letter.
Peter Hiya Red! What’s that you’re reading?
Red It’s a letter from Granny Hood, asking me when I’m going to visit.
Barney I wrote a letter once.
Peter How? You’ve never been to school.
Barney School’s a complete waste of time.
Red Oh no, it isn’t!
Barney Oh yes, it is! (to audience) Isn’t it boys and girls? (response)
Peter I think some agreed with you there.
Red What makes you think that school’s a waste of time, Barney?
Barney Because the more you learn, the more you forget. And the more you forget, the less you know. Whereas, the less you learn, the less you forget. And the less you forget the more you know. So, why bother learning?
Red and Peter shake their heads in bewilderment.
Peter So, what was this letter you wrote, Barney?
Barney A.
Peter Eh?
Barney That’s right.
Red (realising) Oooh! A!
Barney No, just A.
Red Scintillating as this conversation is, I really must be off. I’m going to buy some nice goodies to take to Gran’s.
Barney And I have to buy a 21st…(or whatever)…birthday card for my girlfriend.
Peter You have a girlfriend!?
Barney Yes, and she’s 26 today.
Peter Then why are you buying her a 21st birthday card?
Barney Because when she was at school. Her teacher said that she was five years behind the rest of the class. Bye then! (exits SR)
Peter (to audience) He’s on a different planet everybody else. Speaking of girlfriends, Red. How would you like to be mine?
Red I’m very flattered Peter, but I’m not currently looking for a boyfriend.
Peter Well let me know when you are, and I’ll make sure I’m at the front of the queue.
Red (laughs) You are funny, Peter. See you later then. (exits SR)
Peter (to audience) I fancy Red like mad, but she doesn’t seem interested in me. (elicits audience sympathy) It’s sadder than that!
Townies enter (SL)
Townies Hiya Peter!
Peter (downbeat) Hi guys.
Townie 1 What’s wrong, Peter? You look really down.
Peter It’s because nobody ever takes me seriously.
Townie 2 Well, you are playing the comic lead.
Peter Then maybe I’ll go for a baddie part next year.
Townie 3 Well just remember, baddies always get their just desserts in the end.
Peter Sounds good to me. I love desserts.
Townie 4 I mean, as in their comeuppance.
Peter I know! I was being funny?
Townie 5 That’ll be the day.
Townies laugh. Mayor and Clarence enter (SL) Mayor carries a rolled-up notice.
Clarence (loudly) Listen up everybody! The Mayor has something important to impart!
Townie 1 He’s always imparting. (wafting) Phwoar!
Peter and Townies laugh.
Mayor This is no laughing matter!
Peter Sorry, Mr Mayor. Please continue.
Mayor Thank you. Now as you all know, our town was once terrorised by The Big Bad Wolf.
Townie 2 We’ll never forget it.
Townie 3 Thank goodness the royal huntsman captured it and locked it up.
Townie 4 Now we can all sleep soundly in our beds.
Mayor And you will again. Just as soon as it’s been re-captured.
Townie 5 Re-captured? You mean, it’s escaped?
Mayor Yes, but don’t panic. The royal huntsman, will soon re-capture it. Until then, stay inside and lock your windows and doors. I will personally be…
Clarence…Hiding under the bed.
Mayor No, I won’t!
Clarence But you said…?
Mayor…Be quiet, Clarence! I will be monitoring the situation.
SFX: Wolf howl.
Townie It’s the Wolf!
Townies exit (SL) screaming.
Mayor (handing over the poster) Here, Peter. Pin this notice up on that signpost. Come Clarence. We’ll return to the town hall and hide…I mean…monitor, the situation.
The Mayor and Clarence exit quickly (SL)
SFX: Wolf howl.
Peter (unrolls notice and reads) KEEP OUT! BIG BAD WOLF ON THE LOOSE! I’d better pin this up and clear off, before it turns up. (pins notice on the signpost)
Red Riding hood re-enters (SR) carrying a small basket.
Red Hi peter!
Peter Red! Where are you going?
Red I’m going to my Grans cottage, deep in the woods.
Peter No Red, you mustn’t go in the wood!
Red Why not?
Peter Because, The Big Bad Wolf’s on the loose. (indicating poster) See?
Red But I’ve got all these lovely goodies for her.
Peter I’m sorry, Red. But it’s too dangerous to go into the woods alone.
Red Then why don’t you come with me?
Peter (exclaims) Me!?
Red I’ll need somebody with eyes like a hawk, to watch out for him.
Peter But the Wolf is a dangerous, savage beast!
Red Then I’ll need somebody brave and fearless beside me.
Peter They’d have to be crazy, to take on The Big Bad Wolf!
Red (touching his arm – coyly) I’d be ever so grateful, Peter.
Peter Give me a minute think it over. (moves downstage, whilst Red checks the contents of her basket) I don’t fancy bumping into the Wolf, but I don’t want Red thinking I’m a scaredy-cat. (to audience) What do you think I should do, boys and girls? (response) You’re right, faint-heart never one fair lady. (turns) Okay Red, I’ll come with you.
Red Oh Peter, you’re just my absolute hero! (kisses him on the cheek)
Peter (thumbs up to audience) I think I’ve cracked it! (offers his arm to Red) Let’s go Red.
They exit (USL) Music cue 4: Granny gallops on (SR) in a riding outfit, with riding-hat and crop. She gallops around stage slapping her rump with the crop.
Granny Tally-ho! (to audience) Are you enjoying the show so far? (response) Never mind, now that the star’s arrived, things are bound to improve. Now, give me a big smile and show off your teeth. No dear, I don’t mean take them out and pass them round. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Harriet Hood, and I’m Little Red’s Gran. I’m also single and on the lookout for a husband. My last one said he needed more space, so I locked him outside until he cleared off. We were totally incompatible. I was a Virgo and he was an idiot. He once got splinters in his fingers from scratching his head. But, I haven’t been well lately. (elicit sympathy) I went to the doctor and he said I was suffering from hypochondria. I said, not that as well! My late mother was a hopeless hypochondriac and was always looking up her symptoms, on one of those health websites. She eventually died of a misprint. Now, as you can probably guess by my attire. I’ve just been for out a gallop. I’ve ridden across loads of fields and jumped over dozens of hedgerows. Although it would’ve been a lot easier, if I’d been on a horse. Being the horsey-type, I tend to go around shouting tally-ho a lot. So anytime you hear me shouting, tally-ho boys and girls! I want you all to shout back, tally-ho Gran! Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (exits and returns) Tally-ho, boys and girls! (response) Wonderful! Anyway, I must be off. I’m taking class at…(local school)…today. See you later, boys and girls! (gallops off SL)
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