SCENE ONE
THE TOWN OF BARKING
A signpost is [USR] and reads ‘Barking Wood’. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Peter [SR] sweeping the stage.
PETER: Hiya, boys and girls! Welcome to the town of Barking. I’m Peter Piper, and I’m the town’s – waste disposal and environmental enhancement officer.
CHORUS 1: I thought you were a road sweeper, Peter.
CHORUS 2: Haven’t you head? The council’s just given new job titles to all its workers.
CHORUS 3: My favourite one is – optical illumination enhancer.
CHORUS 4: What’s that when it’s at home?
CHORUS 3: Window cleaner! [laughs]
PETER: I like my new title it makes me sound important.
CHORUS 5: It makes you sound a prat!
PETER: Clear of, you cheeky lot, before I report you for abusing a council official!
Exit Chorus [SR] laughing.
PETER: As well as being a waste disposal and environmental enhancement officer. I also double as the council’s dog-catcher, which means I round up strays. Now, as you all know, we council workers are a friendly fun-loving lot. So, whenever I come on and shout, ‘who let the dogs out’? I want you all to respond, ‘who…who…who…who’? Will you do that? Well, we are in Barking. Let’s have a practice. [exits and re-enters] Who let the dogs out? Some of the adults didn’t join in. We’ll do it again, boys and girls, and this time make sure your mums and dads join in. [repeats business] Well done!
Enter Barney [SL] wearing several pairs of socks and no shoes.
BARNEY: Hello, Peter.
PETER: Hiya, Barney! ’Ere, how come you’re not wearing any shoes!?
BARNEY: Mum said I should put on a new pair of socks every day, and now I can’t get my shoes on.
PETER: You’re supposed to take the old pair off first, Barney.
BARNEY: You learn something new every day, don’t you?
PETER: So, what are you up to today, Barney?
BARNEY: I’ve just been for a job interview.
PETER: What job was it for?
BARNEY: Village idiot.
PETER: And did you get it?
BARNEY: No, they said I wasn’t stupid enough.
PETER: I’d appeal if I were you.
BARNEY: What was all that barking I heard earlier?
PETER: I was just playing a little game with the audience, Barney.
BARNEY: What game’s that?
PETER: I shout, ‘who let the dogs out’? And they all reply, ‘who…who…who…who’?
BARNEY: So, who did let them out, Peter?
PETER: Let what out?
BARNEY: All those dogs?
PETER: There are no dogs, Barney
BARNEY: Then what was all that barking I heard earlier?
PETER: This is starting to feel like groundhog day.
Enter Red Riding Hood [SR] reading a letter.
PETER: Hello, Red!
RED: [looks up] Oh, hello, Peter!
PETER: What’s that you’re reading, Red?
RED: It’s a letter from Granny Hood asking when I’m going to visit her again.
BARNEY: I wrote a letter once.
PETER: How, Barney? You’ve never been to school in your life.
BARNEY: That’s because school’s a waste of time.
RED: Oh, no it isn’t!
BARNEY: Oh, yes it is!
RED & PET: Oh, no it isn’t!
BARNEY: Oh, yes it is! Isn’t it, boys and girls?
PETER: You’re not supposed to agree with him!
RED: What makes you think school’s a waste of time, Barney?
BARNEY: Because the more you learn, the more you can forget, and the more you forget, the less you know. Whereas the less you learn, the less you can forget, and the less you forget, the more you know, simple.
PETER: You certainly are.
RED: So, what letter did you write, Barney?
BARNEY: A.
PETER: Eh?
BARNEY: That’s right.
PETER: [realising] Oh, A!
BARNEY: No, just A.
RED: Scintillating as this conversation is, I’ve got some shopping to do.
BARNEY: Me too. I’ve got to buy some elbow grease.
PETER: Elbow grease doesn’t really exist, Barney, it’s just a saying.
BARNEY: That’ll disappoint Mum.
RED: Why will it?
BARNEY: She said I needed to use it around the house a bit more. Bye! [exits SR]
PETER: I’ve been thinking, Red.
RED: What about, Peter?
PETER: Well, you don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t have a girlfriend.
RED: What are you saying, Peter?
PETER: Well, I was wondering if perhaps, in the fullness of time, taking everything into account, you might consider at some point, not, not having a boyfriend?
RED: Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Peter?
PETER: Whatever gave you that idea, Red? But just for argument’s sake, what would you say if I were asking you to be my girlfriend?
RED: I’d say I’m very flattered, Peter, but I’m not really after a boyfriend right now.
PETER: Well, when you are, just let me know and I’ll rush to the head of the queue.
RED: [laughs] You’re so funny, Peter; you always make me laugh!
PETER: Then maybe you ought to sit in the audience and show them how it’s done.
RED: I’ll see you later, Peter. Bye! [exits SL]
PETER: I fancy Red like mad, but she doesn’t seem to take me seriously.
Enter Chorus [SR]
CHORUS 1: Hiya, Peter!
PETER: [downbeat] Hi, guys.
CHORUS 2: What’s the matter, Peter? You look down today.
PETER: It’s because nobody ever takes me seriously.
CHORUS 3: Well, you are playing the comic lead.
