Scene One
The Town Of Winalot
A typical panto town (USR) is a signpost, which reads ‘To The Woods’. Music cue 3: Townsfolk. After song ends…Peter enters (SR) sweeping the stage.
Peter
(to audience) Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond) Welcome to the town of Winalot. My name’s Peter Piper, and I’m the town’s ‘Waste Disposal And Environmental Enhancement Officer.’
Chorus 1
You mean you’re a road-sweeper?
Peter
Yes.
Chorus 2
Then why don’t you just say ‘road-sweeper’?
Peter
(snooty) I’m not responsible for job titles. (to audience) Now as you all know, council workers are a friendly lot. So, whenever I come on. I’ll shout a friendly greeting and I’d like you all to respond. Will you do that? (audience respond) Great! Now as we’re in Winalot, I thought I’d shout, ‘who let the dogs out’ and you can all shout back ‘who…who…who…who’? Pretty apt, don’t you think? Let’s have a go then. (exits and re-enters) Who let the dogs out? (audience & Chorus respond) Fantastic!
Barney enters (SL) wearing several pairs of socks and no shoes.
Chorus 3
Hiya Barney! Where are you up to today?
Barney
I’ve just been for a job interview.
Chorus 4
(to Barney) How come you’re not wearing any shoes?
Barney
Mum said I should wear a new pair of socks every day. And now I can’t get my shoes on.
Peter
You’re supposed to take the old pair of first.
Barney
I wonder why mum didn’t tell me that?
Chorus 5
(tongue-in-cheek) It’s a mystery all right.
Townsfolk exit (USR) laughing.
Hammer and Tongs enter (USL) dressed as typical burglars. They scout around upstage unnoticed by all onstage, before exiting (USR)
Peter
(to Barney) So what job was it for, Barney?
Barney
Village idiot.
Peter
(to Barney) And did you get the job?
Barney
No. They said I was overqualified.
Peter
(bemused) How is that even possible?
Barney
(to Peter) What was all that barking I heard earlier, Peter?
Peter
(indicating audience) It was that lot down there.
Barney
But they’re not dogs!
Peter
No, but I’m playing a little game with them.
Barney
What kind of a game?
Peter
I come on and shout ‘who let the dogs out’ and they all shout back ‘who…who…who…who’?
Barney
(dimly) I see. So, who did let them out then?
Peter
Let what out?
Barney
All those dogs?
Peter
There are no dogs, Barney.
Barney
(scratching his head) So what was all that barking I heard just now?
Peter
(to audience) Ever get the feeling you’re going around in circles?
Red Riding Hood enters (SR) reading a letter.
Peter
Hiya Red! What’s that you’re reading?
Red
It’s a letter from Granny Hood, asking me when I’m going over for a visit.
Barney
I wrote a letter once.
Peter
(to Barney) How? You’ve never been to school, Barney.
Barney
Only because school’s a complete waste of time.
Red
Oh no, it isn’t!
Barney
Oh yes, it is! (to audience) Isn’t it boys and girls? (audience respond)
Red
What makes you think that, Barney?
Barney
Because the more you learn, the more you forget. And the more you forget, the less you know. Whereas, the less you learn, the less you forget. And the less you forget the more you know. So why bother learning?
Red and Peter shake their heads in bewilderment.
Peter
(to Barney) So what was this letter you wrote then, Barney?
Barney
A.
Peter
Eh?
Barney
That’s right.
Red
(realising) Oh! ‘A’!
Barney
No, just ‘A’.
Red
Well scintillating as this conversation is, I really must be off. I have to buy some goodies to take to Gran’s.
Barney
And I have to buy a 21st…(or whatever age fits)…birthday card for my girlfriend.
Peter
(amazed) You have a girlfriend?
Barney
Yes and she’s 26 today.
Peter
26! Then why are you buying her a 21st birthday card?
Barney
‘Cos when she was at school, the teacher said she was five years behind the rest of the class. Bye then! (exits SR)
Peter
(to audience) He’s on a different planet to the rest of us. (to Red) Speaking of girlfriends, Red. How would you like to be mine?
Red
I’m very flattered Peter, but I’m not looking for a boyfriend at the moment.
Peter
Well let me know when you are, and I’ll make sure I’m at the front of the queue.
Red
(laughs) You are funny, Peter. I’ll see you later then. (exits SR)
Peter
(sighs to audience) I fancy Red like mad, but she doesn’t seem interested in me. (elicits audience sympathy) It’s sadder than that!
Chorus enter (SL)
Chorus
Hiya Peter!
Peter
(downbeat) Hiya.
Chorus 1
What’s wrong, Peter? You look really fed up.
Peter
It’s because nobody ever takes me seriously.
Chorus 2
Well you are playing the comic lead.
Peter
Then maybe I’ll go for a baddie part next year.
Chorus 3
Well just remember, baddies always get their just desserts in the end.
Peter
Sounds good to me. I just love desserts.
Chorus 4
I mean ‘just desserts’ as in ‘comeuppance’.
Peter
I know that! I was being funny?
Chorus 5
(dryly) That’ll be the day.
Children laugh.
Peter
You, cheeky things!
The Mayor and Clarence enter (SL) the Mayor carries a rolled-up notice.
Clarence
(loudly) Listen up everybody! The Mayor has some very important news to impart!
Chorus 1
Beg pardon?
Clarence
(snaps) Impart! Impart!
Peter
I wondered who did that. (wafting the air) Phoar!
Towns folk laugh.
Mayor
(annoyed) Are you going to listen or not?
Peter
Sorry, Mr Mayor. Please continue.
Mayor
Thank you. (to all) Now as you all know, our town was once terrorised by The Big Bad Wolf.
Chorus 2
We certainly do!
Chorus 3
Thank goodness the royal huntsman captured it and locked it up.
Chorus 4
And now we can all sleep soundly in our beds.
Mayor
And you will again. Just as soon as it’s been re-captured.
Chorus 5
‘Re-captured’? You mean, it’s escaped?
Mayor
Yes, but don’t panic. The King is sending the royal huntsman, to track him down. My advice is to stay inside and lock your windows and doors, until he’s been re-captured. I will personally be…
Clarence
…Hiding under the bed, until it’s been re-captured!
Mayor
(awkward laugh) ‘Hiding under the bed’! (laughs) The very idea.
Clarence
But you said…?
Mayor
(hisses) Be quiet, Clarence! (to crowd) You can rest assured that your brave Mayor, wilI be monitoring the situation closely.
SFX: Wolf howl.
Townsfolk
(exclaim) It’s the Wolf!
Townsfolk exit (SL) screaming.
Mayor
(handing the poster to Peter) Peter! Pin this notice up on that signpost. (to Clarence) Come along Clarence, we’ll return to the town hall and hide I mean…’monitor’ the situation.
The Mayor and Clarence exit quickly (SL)
SFX: Wolf howl.
Peter
(unrolls notice and reads) ‘Keep Out. Big Bad Wolf Loose.’ I’d better pin this up and clear off quick, before it turns up. (pins notice on the signpost)
Red Riding hood re-enters (SR) carrying a small basket.
Red
(to Peter) Hi peter!
Peter
Red! Where are you going?
Red
I’ve got some goodies for Gran, and I’m about to take my usual shortcut through the woods.
Peter
(urgent) No, Red! You mustn’t go in the woods!
Red
Why ever not?
Peter
Because The Big Bad Wolf’s on the loose. (pointing to the poster) See?
Red
But it’ll take me hours to go the long way round.
Peter
I know, but it’s too dangerous to go into the woods alone with the Wolf on the loose.
Red
Then why don’t you come with me?
Peter
(exclaims) Me!?
Red
Well I’ll need somebody with eyes like a hawk, to watch out for him.
Peter
(scared) But the Wolf is a dangerous, savage beast!
Red
Then I’ll need someone brave and fearless beside me.
Peter
They’d have to be crazy to take on The Big Bad Wolf!
Red
(touching his arm) I’d be ever so grateful, Peter.
Peter
Give me a minute think it over. (moves downstage, while Red checks the contents of her basket) I don’t fancy bumping into the Wolf, but I also don’t want Red thinking I’m a scaredy-cat. (to audience) What do you think I should do, boys and girls? (audience respond) You’re right, ‘faint-heart never one fair lady’. (turns) Okay Red, I’ll do it!
Red
(hugging him) Oh Peter, you’re just my absolute hero!
Peter
(thumbs up to audience) I think I’ve cracked it! (to Red) Let’s go Red.
They exit (USL) If audience shout ‘don’t go in the woods’ ad-lib with them.
Music cue 4: Granny gallops on (DSR) in a riding outfit, complete with riding-hat and crop. She gallops around stage slapping her rump with the crop.
Granny
Tally-ho! (stops CS and turns to audience) Are you enjoying the show so far? (audience respond) Never mind, now the star’s arrived things are bound to improve. Now give us a big smile and show off your teeth. No dear, I don’t mean take them out and pass them round. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Harriet Hood, and I’m Little Red’s Gran. I’m also single and on the lookout for a husband. My last one said he needed more space, so I locked him outside until he cleared off. Mind you, we were totally incompatible. I was a Virgo and he was an idiot. He once got splinters in his fingers from scratching his head. But I haven’t been well lately. (elicit sympathy) I went to the doctor and he said I was suffering from hypochondria. I said ‘not that as well’. My late mother was a hopeless hypochondriac. She was always looking up her symptoms on one of those health websites, and eventually died of a misprint. Now as
you can probably guess by my attire, I’ve just been for out a gallop. I’ve ridden across acres of fields and jumped over dozens of hedgerows. Although it would’ve been a lot easier if I’d been on a horse. Now being the horsey-type, I tend to go around shouting ‘tally-ho’ a lot. So every time you hear me shout, ‘tally-ho boys and girls’ I want you all to shout back ‘tally-ho Gran’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s try it then. (exits and returns) Tally-ho, boys and girls! (repeat until happy) Now I must be off. I’m taking class at…(local school)…today. See you later, boys and girls! (gallops off SL)
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