SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF BOUFFANT
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Willy [SL] a sink-plunger sticks out of his back pocket.
WILLY: Hiya, folks! Welcome to the Town of Toupee in the Kingdom of Bouffant! I’m Willy, the royal gofer. I used to be the royal jester, but I gave it up because everybody kept laughing at me. If only they’d laughed at my jokes instead. But now I miss hearing people cheer whenever I come on, and it makes me sad. Would you all cheer whenever I come on and make me feel happy again? Let’s give it a go. [exits and re-enters] That didn’t make me happy. Let’s do it again. [repeats business] I’m much happier now.
CHORUS 1: I didn’t know you were a royal golfer, Willy.
WILLY: I said, ‘gofer’, not golfer!
CHORUS 2: I thought gophers were large American rodents.
CHORUS 3: I think they’re called groundhogs.
WILLY: I meant, ‘gofer’, as in whenever Their Majesties want anything fetching, I go for it. Although I can’t fetch them the one thing they want most of all.
CHORUS 4: And what’s that, Willy?
WILLY: Why, Princess Rapunzel, of course.
CHORUS 5: How long has she been gone now?
WILLY: Almost eighteen years. And every year on her birthday, Their Majesties mark
the occasion by releasing a corresponding number of sky-lanterns.
CHORUS 6: Let’s hope this is the year she finally comes home.
Exit Chorus [SL]
HETTY: [singing off] #If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy…#
WILLY: That sounds like Nurse Hetty, although I use the term ‘Nurse’ advisedly. I once asked her how she drew blood, and she replied, ‘with a red crayon’.
Enter Nurse Hetty [SL] singing.
HETTY: #Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…# Hello, boys and girls! I’m Nurse Hetty Hairspray, the royal nanny. I used to look after Princess Rapunzel until Witch Gothel stole her away and broke everybody’s heart. [elicit sympathy] It’s sadder than that!
WILLY: Where are you off to, Hetty?
HETTY: The gym, Willy. I work out every day to keep my body in shape.
WILLY: And what shape is it supposed to be now?
HETTY: The perfect shape, as always. I’d like your advice on something, Willy.
WILLY: What is it, Hetty?
HETTY: My Wii’s gone all funny; what do you suggest I do?
WILLY:I suggest you see a doctor.
HETTY: Do they fix computer games on the NHS?
WILLY: Oh, you mean your old Wii console?
HETTY: Yes, I still enjoy getting my nunchuk out and giving it a good bash.
WILLY: I’ll pop round later and take a look at it, Hetty.
HETTY: Thanks, Willy. And perhaps afterwards you could fix my Wii Console. Speaking of the NHS. I was at the doctor’s yesterday, and it drove me mad listening to the same record playing over and over in the waiting room.
WILLY: I blame that new receptionist; she’s got a one-track mind. [laughs] One-track mind? Coincidently, I was also at the doctor’s yesterday. I said, ‘doctor I can’t stop my hands from shaking’.
HETTY: And what did they say?
WILLY: He said, ‘do you drink a lot’? I said, ‘no doctor, I spill most of it’. [laughs]
HETTY: [aside] You can see why he gave up being a jester, can’t you? Can I trust you with a little secret, Willy?
WILLY: Yes, Hetty, it’ll just be between you me and Facebook.
HETTY: Well, just tell this Facebook person not to breathe a word of it to anybody.
WILLY: So, what’s the secret, Hetty?
HETTY: I fancy someone like mad, but I’m too shy to tell them how I feel about them.
WILLY: What happened to that Dutchman you were dating?
HETTY: You mean Vincent Van Pump, the man who invented inflatable shoes?
WILLY: That’s him.
HETTY: He died in a tragic accident.
WILLY: What happened to him?
HETTY: He stood on a nail and popped his clogs.
WILLY: Have you ever been married, Hetty?
HETTY: Yes, and my husband was a man of rare gifts. They were that rare I never saw any. He once said, ‘I was a fool when I married you’. And I said, ‘I know, but I was in love and didn’t notice’. I eventually filed for divorce on the grounds of ill health.
WILLY: Ill health?
HETTY: I was sick of him. After the divorce, we split the house; he got the outside. So, how do I go about winning my heart’s desire, Willy?
WILLY: It’s quite simple, Hetty. You must summon up the courage.
HETTY: [hoists bosom] Summon up the courage!
WILLY: Be strong.
HETTY: [strongman pose] Be strong!
WILLY: Be a man, I mean…woman. Just be yourself.
HETTY: Be myself!
WILLY: Now, are ready to seize the moment?
HETTY: Ready and willing!
WILLY: Then strike whilst the iron’s hot.
HETTY: Hot! It’s positively volcanic!
WILLY: Go right up to them.
HETTY: [excited] Yes!
WILLY: Take them in your arms
HETTY: [more excited] Yes! Yes!
WILLY: And give them a big, sloppy kiss.
HETTY: Ooooh! [grabs him in a clinch] Kiss me, Willy!
WILLY: [horrified] You were talking about me!?
HETTY: Yes! Marry me, Willy, and we’ll make beautiful music together.
WILLY: But I’m tone deaf, Hetty!
HETTY: You just need good tuning, and I’ve got all the right tools.
WILLY: What do you think I am, a piano!?
HETTY: No, but life with me is sure to be grand.
