Rapunzel A Tangled Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

The Village Of Bouffant

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…

Enter Willie at a run (SL) he has a sink-plunger sticking out of his back pocket.

Willie (to audience) Hello everybody! Welcome to the village of Bouffant! I’m Willie, the royal gofer. I used to be the royal jester, but I gave it up because everybody kept laughing at me. But now, I miss people cheering whenever I come on and it makes me a bit sad. Do you think you could all cheer loudly whenever I come on, and make me feel happy again? (response) Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) I wasn’t happy with that. Let’s do it again. (exits and re-enters) I’m much happier now.

Villager 1 I didn’t know you were a royal golfer, Willie.

Willie I said, gofor not golfer!

Villager 2 I thought gophers were large American rodents.

Villager 3 I think they’re called, groundhogs.

Willie No! Gofor! As in whenever their majesties want anything fetching, I go for it. Although the thing they want more than anything in the world, I can’t get them.

Villager 4 And what’s that?

Willie Why, Princess Rapunzel of course.

Villager 5 Gosh, I’d almost forgotten about the Princess. How long has she been gone now?

Willie Almost eighteen years. And every year on her birthday, their majesties go to the tallest tower in the palace and release one sky-lantern for every year she’s been gone.

Villager 1 Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the Princess returned home this year?

Hetty (singing off) #The hills are alive…#

Willie That sounds like Nurse Hetty.

Villager 2 I’m off! The last time we bumped into her, she made us all buy raffle tickets to win a meal for two with a famous celebrity, at…(local posh restaurant).

Villager 3 What she didn’t say, was that she was the celebrity and the winner paid the bill.

Willie What makes Hetty think that she’s a celebrity?

Villager 4 She once understudied for Maria, in an amateur production of The Sound of Music.

Willie That doesn’t qualify her for celebrity status.

Villager 5 Try telling her that. Let’s scarper.

Exit Villagers (SR)

Enter Nurse Hetty Hairspray (SL) singing.

Hetty #Doe a deer, a female…# Hello Willie! (to audience) And hello to you too. I’m Nurse Hetty Hairspray, the royal nanny. I used to look after Princess Rapunzel, before she was taken away by an evil witch, called Gothel. (elicit sympathy) It’s sadder than that!

Willie Where are you off to, Hetty?

Hetty I’m just off to the gym. Well, you don’t get a fantastic figure like mine by being a couch-potato, do you? I work out all the time to keep my body in shape.

Willie I can never work out what shape it’s meant to be.

Hetty Same as always, Willie. Perfect. By the way, I’d like your advice on something.

Willie What is it, Hetty?

Hetty My Wii’s gone all funny. What do you suggest I do?

Willie I suggest you see a doctor.

Hetty Do they fix computers on the NHS, then?

Willie Oh, you mean your old Wii consul?

Hetty What else?

Willie I’ll pop round later and take a look at it.

Hetty Wonderful! And afterwards, perhaps you could fix my consul. Speaking of the NHS. I was at the doctor’s yesterday, and it drove me mad listening to the same record playing over and over in the waiting room.

Willie I blame that new receptionist. She’s got a one-track mind. (laughs) One-track mind? Coincidently, I was also at the doctor’s yesterday. I said, doctor I can’t seem to stop my hands from shaking.

Hetty And what did he say?

Willie He said, do you drink a lot? I said no, I spill most of it. (laughs)

Hetty (to audience) You can see why he gave up being a jester, can’t you? Can I trust you with a little secret, Willie?

Willie Yes, Hetty. It’ll just be between me, you and Facebook.

Hetty Well, just tell this Facebook person not to breathe a word to anybody.

Willie So, what’s this secret then?

Hetty I fancy someone at the palace, and I want to ask them out. But I’m a bit shy.

Willie What happened to that Dutchman you were going out with?

Hetty You mean, Vincent Van Pump. The man who invented inflatable shoes?

Willie That’s the fella.

Hetty He died in a freak accident. (sniffs emotionally)

Willie Oh, dear. What happened?

Hetty He stepped on a nail and popped his clogs. (to audience) Think about it.

Willie Have you ever been married, Hetty?

Hetty Yes. I was wed for almost twenty years. My husband was a man of rare gifts. They were that rare I never saw any. Although he did have one big asset. (to audience) Behave yourselves now, this is a family show. But, despite his enormous…life insurance policy. I filed for divorce on the grounds of ill health.

Willie Ill health?

Hetty Yes. I was sick of him. Anyway, I was wondering if you had any chat up tips.

Willie It’s quite simple, Hetty. You must summon up the courage.

Hetty (hoists bosom) Summon up the courage!

Willie Be strong.

Hetty (strongman pose) Be strong!

Willie Be a man…I mean, a woman. Just be yourself.

Hetty Be myself!

Willie Now, are you ready to win your heart’s desire?

Hetty Ready and willing.

Willie Then strike whilst the iron’s hot.

Hetty Hot! It’s positively volcanic!

Willie Go right up to them.

Hetty (excited) Yes!

Willie Take them in your arms

Hetty (more excited) Yes! Yes!

Willie And give them a big sloppy kiss.

Hetty Ooooh! (grabs him in a clinch) Kiss me, lover boy!

Willie (horrified) You were talking about me!?

Hetty Yes! Marry me, and we’ll make beautiful music together.

Willie (struggling) Sorry Hetty, but I’m tone deaf.

Hetty You just need a good tuning. And I have all the right tools.

Willie What do you think I am? A piano?

Hetty No, but life with me will certainly be grand.

Willie (gasping for breath) I feel faint!

Hetty I’ll better give you artificial recreation. (opens mouth wide)

Willie I think you mean, respiration. Recreation means having fun.

Hetty I know what I mean.

Willie I’m sorry Hetty, but I can’t possibly marry you. Not after what I’ve heard.

Hetty (releasing him) What have you heard?

Willie That some stranger grabbed you outside the…(name of local pub)…last Friday and started kissing you all over. And you never said a word.

Hetty Mother always warned me never to talk to strangers. (grabs him) Now, give us a kiss.

Willie (pushing her off) I’m sorry, but I really must go. I’ve got to unblock the royal loo.

Hetty Then give me a kiss first.

Willie Okay! Just close your eyes and pucker up.

Hetty stands with eyes closed, lips puckered and arms out. Willie takes the sink-plunger and pushes it over her mouth. Hetty opens her eyes and tries pulling it from her face (holds it in place and makes out that it’s stuck)

Willie So long sucker! (exits at a run SR)

Hetty (finally removes plunger) Just wait until I get my hand on him! I could have suffocated just then. (sniffs plunger) Pooh! It makes me sick to think where this thing’s been. I’d better return to the palace and disinfect my lips. (waves) Ta-ra kids! (exits SR)

Music cue 2: Enter Ball and Socket (SL)

Socket Hang on Ball!

Ball (stops) What is it now, Socket?

Socket Let me see that job-ad again.

Ball (produces a piece of paper and hands it to Socket) Here you are.

Socket (reads) Wanted. Two ruthless villains for interesting and varied work. Interviews will be held in the back room of…(name of current venue) Where did you find this ad?

Ball On the Dark Web.

Socket What’s that then?

Ball It’s a secret internet, for baddies. We’ll probably get paid in bitcoins.

Socket I want paying in whole coins, not bits of coins.

Ball Bitcoins are virtual currency, you idiot.

Socket You’re the idiot if you think I’m willing to be paid in virtual money.

Ball (spots audience) Eavesdroppers! You’d better forget everything you’ve just heard.

Socket Righto.

Ball Not you! (indicating audience) Them!

Socket Oh, right. I wondered about that. Only, if I forget everything I’ve just heard. I won’t have a clue why I’m here, will I?

Ball I sometimes wonder that myself. I just hope nobody tries sneaking in ahead of us.

Socket Do you think there might be some villains amongst this…(indicates audience)…lot?

Ball Probably. I have noticed some dodgy looking ones. (pointing) Especially him.

Socket (to audience) Are any of you lot villains? I think we might have some competition, Ball.

Ball Well, they can’t be villains in this show.

Socket Why not?

Ball Because they won’t know any of the lines.

Socket We have lines?

Ball Yes. It’s called, a script?

Socket You learn something new every day, don’t you? (pointing) What’s in the bag?

Ball Hats.

Socket Why are you bringing a load of hats to a job interview?

Ball It’s all part of my cunning plan, to make sure we land this job.

Socket How will hats help us land the job?

Ball You know what they say. If you want to get ahead, get a hat.

Socket But I’ve already got a head.

Ball Then try using it occasionally. (pushing him off SR) Now, let’s go.

Exit both (SR)