Rapunzel A Tangled Panto

THE VILLAGE OF BOUFFANT

Music cue 1:Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]

Enter Willy at a run [SL] a sink-plunger sticks out of his back pocket.

WILLY: Hiya folks! Welcome to the village of Bouffant! I’m Willy, the royal gofer. I used to be the royal jester, but I gave it up because people kept laughing at me. But now I miss hearing people cheer whenever I come on, and it makes me a bit sad. Do you think you could all cheer loudly whenever I come on and make me feel happy again? Let’s try it then. [exits and re-enters] I wasn’t very happy with that. Let’s do it again. [exits and re-enters] I’m much happier now.

CHORUS 1: I didn’t know you were a golfer, Willy.

WILLY: I said, gofor, not golfer.

CHORUS 2: I thought gophers were large American rats.

CHORUS 3: I think they’re called, groundhogs.

WILLY: No! Gofor! As in whenever their majesties want anything fetching, I go for it. Although the thing they want more than anything in the world, I can’t get them.

CHORUS 4: And what’s that Willy?

WILLY: Princess Rapunzel, of course.

CHORUS 5: How long has she been gone now?

WILLY: Almost eighteen years. And every year on her birthday, their majesties release a sky-lantern for every year she’s been gone.

CHORUS 1: Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the Princess returned home this year?

HETTY: [singing off] ‘If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy…’

WILLY: That sounds like Nurse Hetty.

CHORUS 2: Some nurse! When I asked her how she drew blood she said, with a red crayon.

CHORUS 3: I once asked her what the difference was between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? And she said, the taste!

CHORUS 4: Let’s scarper before she gets here.

CHORUS 5: Good idea!

Exit Chorus [SR]

Enter Nurse Hetty Hairspray [SL] singing.

HETTY: ’Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…’ Hello Willy! [to audience] And hello to you too. I’m Nurse Hetty Hairspray, the royal nanny. I used to look after Princess Rapunzel before she was kidnapped by the evil witch, Gothel. [elicit sympathy] It’s sadder than that!

WILLY: Where are you off to Hetty?

HETTY: I’m off to the gym. I work out all the time to keep my body in shape.

WILLY: I can never work out what shape it’s meant to be.

HETTY: The same shape as always – perfect. By the way, I’d like your advice on something.

WILLY: What is it Hetty?

HETTY: My Wii’s gone all funny – what do you suggest I do?

WILLY: I suggest you see a doctor.

HETTY: Do they fix computers on the NHS?

WILLY: Oh, you mean your old Wii consul?

HETTY: What else?

WILLY: I’ll pop round later and have a look at it.

HETTY: Thanks Willy! And afterwards, perhaps you could fix my Wii consul. Speaking of the NHS. I was at the doctor’s yesterday, and it drove me mad listening to the same record playing over and over in the waiting room.

WILLY: I blame that new receptionist, she has a one-track mind. [laughs] One-track mind? Coincidently, I was also at the doctor’s yesterday. I said, ‘doctor I can’t stop my hands from shaking.’

HETTY: And what did he say?

WILLY: He said, ‘do you drink a lot?’ I said, ‘no doctor, I spill most of it.’ [laughs]

HETTY: [to audience] You can see why he gave up being a jester, can’t you? Can I trust you with a little secret, Willy?

WILLY: Yes, Hetty. It’ll just be between me, you and Facebook.

HETTY: Well, just tell this Facebook person not to breathe a word to anybody.

WILLY: What’s the secret then?

HETTY: I fancy somebody at the palace and want to ask them out, but I’m a bit shy.

WILLY: What happened to that Dutchman you were going out with?

HETTY: You mean, Vincent Van Pump. The man who invented inflatable shoes?

WILLY: That’s the fella.

HETTY: He died in a freak accident.

WILLY: Oh, dear! What happened?

HETTY: He stepped on a nail and popped his clogs.

WILLY: Have you ever been married, Hetty?

HETTY: Yes. My husband was a man of rare gifts. They were so rare I never saw any. He said, I was a fool when I married you. And I replied, I know but I was in love and didn’t notice. Eventually, I filed for divorce on the grounds of ill health.

WILLY: Ill health?

HETTY: I was sick of him. After the divorce we split the house – he got the outside. Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me win my heart’s desire.

WILLY: It’s very simple, Hetty. You must summon up the courage.

HETTY: [hoists bosom] Summon up the courage!

WILLY: Be strong.

HETTY: [strongman pose] Be strong!

WILLY: Be a man! I mean woman! Just be yourself.

HETTY: Be myself!

WILLY: Now, are you ready to win your heart’s desire?

HETTY: Ready and willing.

WILLY: Then strike whilst the iron’s hot.

HETTY: Hot! It’s positively volcanic!

WILLY: Go right up to them.

HETTY: [excited] Yes!

WILLY: Take them in your arms

HETTY: [more excited] Yes! Yes!

WILLY: And give them a big sloppy kiss.

HETTY: Ooooh! [grabs him in a clinch] Kiss me, lover boy!

WILLY: [horrified] You were talking about me!?

HETTY: Yes! Marry me, and we’ll make beautiful music together.

WILLY: Sorry Hetty, but I’m tone deaf.

HETTY: You just need a good tuning, and I have all the right tools.

WILLY: What do you think I am, a piano!?

HETTY: No, but life with me is sure to be grand.

WILLY: I suddenly feel faint!

HETTY: I’d better give you artificial recreation. [opens mouth wide]

WILLY: You mean, respiration? Recreation means having fun.

HETTY: I know what I mean.

WILLY: I can’t marry you Hetty, not after what I’ve heard.

HETTY: [releasing him] What’ve you heard?

WILLY: That some stranger grabbed you outside…[local pub]…yesterday and started kissing you all over, and you never said a word.

HETTY: Well of course I didn’t! Mother always taught me never to talk to strangers. [grabs him] Now give us a snog.