Scene One
The Village Of Bouffant
Villagers are discovered onstage. Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…(all gather in groups and chat) Willie runs on (SL) with a sink-plunger sticking out of his back pocket.
Willie
(to audience) Hello everybody and welcome to the village of Bouffant! I’m Willie, the royal gofer. I used to be the royal jester, but I gave it up because everybody kept laughing at me. But I got so used to people cheering whenever I came on, that it makes me sad when it doesn’t happen now. Do you think you could all cheer really loudly whenever I come on, and make me feel happy again? (audience respond) Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Brilliant!
Villager 1
I didn’t know you were a golfer, Willie.
Willie
I said, ‘gofor’, not ‘golfer’!
Villager 2
I thought gophers were large American rats.
Villager 3
I think they’re called ‘groundhogs’.
Willie
No! ‘Gofor’! As in whenever their majesties want anything fetching, I go for it.
Although the thing they want more than anything in the world, I can’t get them.
Villager 4
And what’s that?
Willie
Why Princess Rapunzel of course.
Villager 5
Gosh, I’d almost forgotten about the Princess. How long has she been gone now?
Willie
Almost eighteen years. And every year on her birthday, their majesties go to the tallest tower in the palace and release one sky-lantern for every year she’s been gone.
Villager 1
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the Princess returned home this year?
Hetty
(singing off) #The hills are alive…#
Willie
That sounds like Nurse Hetty.
Villager 2
I’m off! The last time we bumped into her, she made us all buy raffle tickets to win a meal for two with a famous celebrity, at…(local posh restaurant).
Villager 3
What she didn’t say, was that she was the celebrity and the winner paid the bill.
Willie
What makes Hetty think she’s a celebrity?
Villager 4
She once understudied Maria, in an amateur production of The Sound of Music.
Willie
That doesn’t qualify her for celebrity status.
Villager 5
Try telling her that. (to Villagers) Let’s scarper.
Villagers exit (SR)
Nurse Hetty Hairspray enters (SL) singing.
Hetty
#Doe a deer, a female…# (spots Willie) Hello Willie! (to audience) And hello to you too. I’m Nurse Hetty Hairspray, the royal nanny. I used to look after Princess Rapunzel, before she was taken from us by an evil witch called ‘Gothel’. (elicit audience sympathy) It’s sadder than that! (audience respond) Actually you’re lucky to catch me, because I’m just on my way to the gym. Well you don’t get a fantastic figure like mine by being a couch-potato. I work out all the time to keep my body in shape.
Willie
(aside to audience) I can never work out what shape it’s meant to be.
Hetty
Actually Willie, I’d like your advice about something.
Willie
What is it, Hetty?
Hetty
My Wii’s gone all funny. What do you suggest I do?
Willie
I suggest you see a doctor.
Hetty
Do they fix computers on the NHS, then?
Willie
(suddenly realises) Oh, you mean your Wii consul?
Hetty
What else?
Willie
I’ll pop round later and take a look at it.
Hetty
Wonderful! And afterwards, perhaps you could fix my consul. Speaking of doctors. I was there yesterday, and it drove me mad listening to the same song playing over and over, in the waiting room.
Willie
I blame that new receptionist. She’s got a one track mind. (laughs) A ‘one track’ mind? Funnily enough, I was also at the doctor’s recently. I said, ‘doctor, one minute I think I’m Mickey Mouse and the next I think I’m Donald Duck’.
Hetty
And what did he say?
Willie
He said ‘how long have you been having these Disney spells’? (laughs) Get it? ‘Disney’ spells?
Hetty
(to audience) You can see why he gave up being a jester, can’t you? (to Willie) Can I trust you with a little secret, Willie?
Willie
Yes, Hetty. It’ll just be between me, you and Facebook.
Hetty
Well just tell this Facebook person, not to breathe a word to anybody.
Willie
So what’s this secret, then?
Hetty
I fancy someone at the palace, and want to ask them out. But I never know what to say.
Willie
What happened to that Dutchman you were going out with?
Hetty
You mean ‘Vincent Van Pump’, the man who invented inflatable shoes?
Willie
That’s the fella.
Hetty
He died in a freak accident. (sniffs emotionally)
Willie
Oh, dear. What happened?
Hetty
He stepped on a nail and popped his clogs. (to audience) Think about it.
Willie
Have you ever been married, Hetty?
Hetty
Yes. I was wed for over twenty-five years. My husband was a man of rare gifts. They were so rare I never saw any. But he did have one big asset. (to audience) Behave yourselves now, this is a family show! But despite his enormous, life insurance policy. I filed for divorce on the grounds of ill health.
Willie
Ill health?
Hetty
Yes. I was sick of him. Anyway, I was wondering if you had any chat up tips.
Willie
It’s quite simple, really. You just have to summon up the courage.
Hetty
(hoisting her chest) Summon up the courage!
Willie
Be strong.
Hetty
(strongman stance) Be strong!
Willie
Be a man…I mean a ‘woman’. Just be yourself.
Hetty
Be myself!
Willie
Now, are you ready to win your heart’s desire?
Hetty
Ready and willing.
Willie
Then strike whilst the iron’s hot.
Hetty
Hot!? It’s positively volcanic!
Willie
Go right up to them.
Hetty
Yes!
Willie
Take them in your arms
Hetty
(getting more excited) Yes! Yes!
Willie
And give them a big sloppy kiss.
Hetty
(can no longer control herself) Ooohh! (grabs him in a clinch) Kiss me, lover-boy!
Willie
(horrified) You were talking about me!?
Hetty
Yes! Marry me, and we’ll make beautiful music together.
Willie
(struggling) Sorry, but I’m tone deaf.
Hetty
You just need a good tuning. (knowingly) And I have all the right tools.
Willie
What do you think I am? A piano?
Hetty
No, but life with me will certainly be ‘grand’.
Willie
(gasping for breath) I feel faint!
Hetty
I’ll better give you artificial recreation. (opens her mouth wide)
Willie
I think you mean ‘respiration’. Recreation means having fun
Hetty
(knowingly) I know what I mean.
Willie
I’m sorry Hetty, but I can’t possibly marry you. Not after the things I’ve heard.
Hetty
(releasing him) What have you heard?
Willie
That some strange man grabbed you outside the…(name of local pub)…last Friday, and started kissing you all over and you never said a word.
Hetty
Well of course I didn’t. Mother always told me never to talk to strangers. (tries grabbing him again) Now give us a kiss.
Willie
(evading her) Sorry, but I really must go. I have to unblock the royal loo.
Hetty
(grabs him again) Give me a kiss first.
Willie
Okay! Okay! (pushing her off) Now close your eyes and pucker up.
Hetty stands with eyes closed, lips puckered and arms out. Willie takes the sink-plunger and pushes it over her mouth. Hetty opens her eyes and tries pulling it from her face (holds it in place and makes out that it’s stuck)
Willie
(laughing to audience) Look boys and girls! A Dalek!
Hetty
(pulls plunger off her face) And you’re about to be exterminated!
Willie
(pointing behind her) Lookout, it’s the Doctor!
Hetty
Who? (turns)
Willie
Correct! (turns and runs off SR)
Hetty
(turns back) Ooohh! Just wait ‘til I get my hand on him! I could have suffocated just then. (sniffs the plunger) Pooh! It makes me sick to think where this thing’s been. I’d better return to the palace and disinfect my lips. (waves to audience) Ta-ra kids! (exits SR)
Music cue 2: Ball and Socket enter (SL)
Socket
Hang on Ball!
Ball
(stops) What is it now, Socket?
Socket
Let me see that job-ad again.
Ball
(produces a piece of paper) See? ‘Wanted. Two ruthless villains for varied work. Interviews are being held in the upstairs room of…(name of local pub)’.
Socket
Where did you get that ad?
Ball
Off the Dark Web.
Socket
What’s that then?
Ball
It’s an alternative internet for baddies. We’ll probably get paid in bitcoins.
Socket
I want paying in whole coins, not bits of coins.
Ball
‘Bitcoins’ are virtual currency, you idiot!
Socket
You’re the idiot, if you think I’m willing to be paid in virtual money.
Ball
(spots audience and exclaims) Eavesdroppers! (warning audience) You’d better forget everything you’ve just heard.
Socket
Right’o.
Ball
Not you! (pointing at audience) Them!
Socket
Oh, right. I wondered about that. Only if I forget everything I’ve just heard, I won’t have a clue why I’m here.
Ball
I sometimes wonder that myself. I just hope none of them try sneaking in ahead of us.
Socket
Do you think there might be some villains amongst them, then?
Ball
Well I’ve noticed several dodgy-looking ones, for a start.
Socket
I’ll just ask them. (to audience) Are any of you lot villains? (audience respond and he turns to Ball) I think we might have some competition.
Ball
Well they can’t be villains in this show.
Socket
Why not?
Ball
Because they won’t know any of the lines.
Socket
We have lines?
Ball
Yes! It’s called a script?
Socket
(to audience) You learn something new every day, don’t you? (pointing at the bag) What’s in the bag?
Ball
Hats. (holds up the bag) They’re part of my cunning plan to make sure we get this job.
Socket
How will hats help us land the job?
Ball
Well you know what they say. ‘If you want to get ahead, get a hat’.
Socket
But I’ve already got a head.
Ball
Well try using it once in a while. Now let’s go. (pushes him off SR and follows)
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