Scene One
Camberwick Village
Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…The Villagers all line up outside the mill. Music cue 3: Royal party enter (SR)
Major Domo Make way for the King and Queen! And her royal highness, Princess Pearl!
The Royal Party push through and stand in front of the mill door.
King Greetings loyal objects!
The Villagers are plainly unimpressed.
Queen The villagers don’t seem all that pleased to see us, Major Domo.
Major Domo I’m afraid the royal family aren’t as popular as they once were, your majesty.
King (to Queen) I’m sure we can win them over with a spot of royal hand waving, dear.
Queen Of course. That always goes down well, with the common folk.
The King and Queen wave their hands about in the royal fashion.
Villager 1 Would you mind moving out of the way? We’re waiting for the mill to open!
Major Domo How dare you speak to their majesties, in that manner!
Villager 2We’re not interested in royalty, mate. We’re only interested in buying our daily flour.
Princess(bored) Oh, do hurry up father. This is all so tiresome.
King Please, Pearl! Not in front of the common people.
Villager 3 Who do you fink you’re calling common, mush? (nosily wipes nose on sleeve)
Queen (grimaces) Gross!
King Major Domo, do the announcement if you please.
Major Domo (bangs mace) Hear ye! Hear ye! The Royal Palace is holding a garden party, tomorrow afternoon. And all citizens of Camberwick are invited to attend.
Villagers cheer and exit (SL) talking animatedly as they go.
Queen That seems to have perked them up somewhat.
Major Domo Your subjects are a fickle lot. If ever they lose interest in the monarchy, you only have to throw a garden party or announce a royal wedding. And their interest is re-kindled.
King Well, it’s always worked for the Windsor’s.
Princess (bored sigh) Can we go now? I’m bored.
King/Queen Bored!?
Princess Yes, bored. B.O.R.E.D, bored! If I were a Prince I’d be off, slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, and stuff. Being a Princess, is dead boring.
King/Queen Oh no, it isn’t!
Princess Oh yes, it is!
Queen All right then. I’ll ask the audience, if they think it’s boring being a Princess.
Princess Go ahead mother. They’re bound to agree with me.
Queen Well if they don’t, then you must agree a forfeit.
Princess What kind of a forfeit?
King You must pick yourself a husband and get married within the week.
Princess You can’t be serious, father.
King Deadly serious. At least it might stop you being bored.
Queen I wouldn’t bet on it. (aside to audience) Would you girls?
Princess Then the forfeit should work both ways.
King But we’re already married!
Queen To each other as it happens.
Princess I mean. If I win the bet, then you must both also forfeit something.
King Such as?
Princess Allowing me to marry whoever I like, be it nobleman or commoner.
King & Que It’s a deal!
Queen (to audience) Everybody who thinks it’s brilliant being a Princess, shout brilliant!
Princess And everybody who thinks it’s boring being a Princess, shout boring!
King And Major Domo will adjudicate.
Princess After three then. One…two…three! (response)
Major Domo I hereby declare their majesties, the winners!
Princess (to audience) I think I’ve just been stitched up.
Queen That’s settled then. You must marry either a Prince or a rich nobleman, within the week, Pearl.
Princess You’re not seriously going to hold me to that silly deal, are you?
King A deal’s a deal, Pearl. (to Queen) I’m famished! Let’s go to Greggs and pick up something, before we return to the palace.
Queen All right, dear. Come along Pearl.
Princess You go and I’ll wait here until you return. Just bring me back a vegan sausage-roll.
Queen Very well, we won’t be long.
King (to Queen as they exit SR with Major Domo) I wonder if they do king-sized pasties.
Princess I’ll never find somebody to fall in love with, within a week! It’s impossible! Music cue 4: Princess. After song ends…
King, Queen and Major Domo enter (SR) The King is just finishing off a pasty.
Princess You’re back. Did you fetch me a vegan sausage-roll?
Queen Yes, now let’s go home.
The Royal Party exit (SL) Hyacinth’s daughters enter (SR) and go up to the mill.
Poppy (sees a sign on the door that reads CLOSED) The mill’s closed!
Daisy The lazy millers must still be in bed.
Rose I’ll soon get them up. (rings the bell) Music cue 5:
SFX: Sails on windmill turn round and round.
Poppy It’s no use, they’re probably fast asleep.
Daisy Why don’t we ask this lot…(audience)…to help us wake them?
Rose Good idea. (to audience) Will you help us wake the millers up? (response) Great. On the count of three, everybody shout, wakey-wakey! One…two…three! Wakey-wakey! (response) Louder! Wakey-wakey! (response)
Harry (enters from the mill, yawning) Good morning girls. What can I do for you?
Poppy We’d like some flour please, Harry.
Harry I’m afraid we’re all out of flour.
Daisy How come?
Harry A hyper-mill has just opened up nearby, forcing us small millers out of business.
Dick enters (USR) carrying a FOR SALE sign over his shoulder.
Dick Hiya girls! Have you come to buy flour for your mum?
Rose Yes, but Harry says you haven’t got any.
Dick It’s true. The hyper-mill has cornered the market. We can’t get hold of corn, for love nor money.
Poppy What about oats?
Dick We haven’t had any in months. Have we Harry?
Harry You speak for yourself, Dick.
Dick lifts the sign off his shoulder and stands it up.
Daisy Don’t tell me you’re selling off the mill!
Harry Yep. Lock stock and two empty barrels.
Hyacinth (shouts off) Push harder, Oddjob!
Rose It’s mum!
Harry (to Dick) I don’t fancy facing Hyacinth, this early in the morning, Dick.
Dick I don’t fancy facing her, anytime of the day. Let’s get outta here. (dashes inside the mill and slams the door leaving Harry outside)
Harry (hammering on the door) Let me in!
Dick Who is it?
Harry Harry!
Dick Harry who?
Harry Harry up and open the door! (door opens, Dick pulls him inside and slams it shut)
Oddjob enters (DSR) pushing on a cut-out taxi containing Hyacinth.
Hyacinth Put your back into it, Oddjob!
Oddjob I’ll put my back out, in a minute. (gives one last push – taxi careers across stage and disappears off SL)
Hyacinth (off) Heeeelp!
Oddjob (looks in wing) That hill looks steep. I wonder if she’ll remember to apply the brake.
SFX:Loud crashing sound.
Oddjob Nope.
Girls (exclaim) Mum! (all run off SL)
Oddjob Bang goes my no-claims bonus. (sees audience) Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you all there. Have you come for the royal garden party? (response) Allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Bob, but everybody calls me, Oddjob, because of all the part-time jobs I do. I’m also a part-time resident of Camberwick. I can’t afford to live here full-time, due the high house prices. But it might make me feel more at home, if whenever I come on and shout, hiya folks! You all to shout back, hiya Oddjob! Will you do that? (response) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! I’m afraid that didn’t make me feel very homely. Let’s have another go, and this time raise the roof. (repeat business) That’s much better! I really feel at home now.
Hyacinth enters (DSL) with a steering wheel around her neck and carrying a car battery in her hand – supported on either side by her girls.
Hyacinth (to Oddjob) Call yourself a driver! I’ve a good mind to sue you for whiplash!
Oddjob You should’ve applied your foot to the brake.
Hyacinth I’ll apply my foot to your backside in a minute!
Oddjob You do, and I’ll have you for assault.
Hyacinth Then you might as well add battery to the charge. (bashes him with the battery – to audience) Assault and battery? Get it? Oh, please yourselves.
Oddjob What about my taxi fare?
Hyacinth I’m not paying for that so-called, taxi trip! I’ve had smoother rides on a three-legged donkey with a limp.
Oddjob It’s your fault it broke down.
Hyacinth How is it my fault?
Oddjob It’s not built for carrying that much weight.
Hyacinth Cheek!
Poppy What are you doing here anyway, mum?
Hyacinth I came to see why it was taking you so long to fetch my flour.
Daisy We couldn’t get any mum.
Hyacinth Don’t tell me they’ve stopped my tab.
Rose No, mum. The mill’s closed.
Hyacinth But it’s not even a bank holiday.
Poppy I’m afraid they’ve closed it for good, mum. (indicating the FOR SALE sign) Look.
Hyacinth But if they do that, then where can we get our flour?
Daisy Asda?
Hyacinth Don’t talk daft. They’ll never allow me a tab.
Rose Then what are you going to do, mum?
Hyacinth I’ll appeal to the public at large.
Oddjob I think you’ll find you won’t, you know.
Hyacinth (to audience) Hello public at large! (peering out) Not to mention the extra-large.
Poppy Extra-large?
Hyacinth I told you not to mention them. (to audience) Who would like to sign a petition to keep our mill open? (response) That’s very kind of you. (hands a small piece of paper to person on the front row) You start it and then pass it along. You’ll need something to write with. Just a mo. (rummages in her bloomers) I’ve got a little one in here somewhere. (to audience) I mean, a pencil! (produces a tiny pencil) Here.
Daisy They’ll never get everybody’s name on that little piece of paper, mum.
Hyacinth You’re right, Daisy. Most of them are probably illiterate. (returns to stage) I’ve just noticed, that we have some VIP’s on the front row. Very Irritable Pensioners. We also have a group from the British Haemorrhoid Society. (pointing) That’s them all stood up at the back. (to Oddjob) Are you still here?
Oddjob Yes, and I’m still waiting for my taxi fare.
Hyacinth You’ll have a long wait then. I’m just a poor lonely widow…(elicits sympathy)…with no means of support. My late husband never left me much after he died. (wryly) Although he left me plenty of times while he was alive. And I’ve had to bring up four girls all on my own. I’d hoped they’d all be married off by now, but for some reason nobody wants to marry them. I can’t think why. I mean, what’s wrong with my girls?
Oddjob Nothing. It’s the mother-in-law they don’t fancy.
Hyacinth How do you fancy a clip round the earhole?
Rose Maybe one of the miller boys would like to marry us, mum.
Poppy I’ve always had a thing for Tom.
Daisy I fancy Harry.
Rose And I love…
Hyacinth (interrupts)…Steady on! You can’t marry Tom, Dick or Harry!
Poppy Why not mum?
Hyacinth Because if their mill’s gone bust, then they’re just as poor as us.
Daisy But that’s not fair, mum.
Hyacinth Sorry girls. No dough, no go.
Ivy enters (SR)
Ivy Hello everybody!
All Girls Hello Ivy!
Hyacinth (aside to audience) This is Ivy. The only one of my daughters, not to have inherited my ravishing good looks.
Ivy Hello Oddjob. Fancy taking me dancing tonight?
Oddjob I’d love to Ivy, but I’ve got lots of odd-jobs on. See ya! (runs off DSL)
Ivy (downbeat) Why do boys keep avoiding me, mum? What’s wrong with me?
Hyacinth Nothing that plastic surgery can’t put right, dear.
Ivy Maybe I should wear more make-up.
Hyacinth I never needed make-up to attract the boys.
Rose It probably hadn’t been invented then.
Hyacinth Watch it!
Ivy I could understand if I was ugly. But everybody says how much I look like you, mum.
Hyacinth They ought to go to Specsavers. Anyway, don’t take any notice of what people say. Just remember the story about the Ugly Duckling.
Poppy What story’s that then, mum?
Hyacinth Listen and I’ll tell you. Music cue 6: Hyacinth & Girls. After song…
Ivy Thanks mum. I’m feeling much better now.
Mill door starts opening slowly.
Hyacinth Scram girls! I’ll deal with these two, myself.
Girls exit (SR) and Hyacinth hides behind the door as it opens.
Harry (sticks his head out) It’s all clear, Dick.
They enter cautiously from the mill.
Dick I thought the silly old battle-axe would never leave.
Hyacinth (shuts the mill door behind them) Did you just call me a silly old battle-axe?
Dick (terrified) N….n…no, Hyacinth!
Hyacinth Yes, you did! I heard you with my own two eyes.
Dick Who you gonna believe? Me, or your own two eyes?
Hyacinth Never mind that. (indicating the FOR SALE sign) What’s the meaning of this?
Harry Can’t you read?
Hyacinth Of course I can read! I just want to know why you’re selling the mill.
Dick Because we haven’t any flour, that’s why.
Hyacinth Not even for…(seductively)…special customers?
Harry Even if we did, you’re not one of them.
Hyacinth But I’m your biggest customer!
Dick (looking her over) We won’t argue with you there, Hyacinth.
Hyacinth Anyway, you’ve no right selling the mill before reading your father’s will.
Harry As the eldest son, father’s bound to have left the mill to me.
Hyacinth I wouldn’t count your chickens, if I were you. Young Tom was the apple of your father’s eye. What if the mill’s been left to him and you’ve gone and sold it?
Dick We haven’t heard from Tom in years. And he’s not likely to turn up now, is he?
Oddjob enters (SR) carrying a large mailbag.
Oddjob Hiya folks! (response) Telegram for Dick and Harry!
Harry (takes the telegram) I wonder who it’s from? (opens telegram and scans it)
Oddjob (delves into his mailbag and brings out three letters) I have three special-delivery letters for you, Hyacinth.
Hyacinth (takes the letters) Ooooh! They must be replies to my lonely-hearts ad, from men all desperate to get their hands on me.
Oddjob Yes. The Electric man, the Gas man and the rent man.
Dick (to Harry) What does our letter say, Harry?
Harry (reads) ‘Dear Dick and Harry. On my way home for the reading of father’s will. Stop. Your brother Tom. Stop. P.S. I expect to be with you in ten minutes.’ Stop. (exclaims) Ten minutes! We’d better get inside and find the will quick, Dick!
Dick and Harry exit into the mill.
Oddjob (takes another letter from his bag) There’s another letter here for you Hyacinth.
Hyacinth (takes it) It’s from young Master Tom. (reads) Dear Aunt Hyacinth.
Oddjob Aunt Hyacinth? But you’re not his Aunt!
Hyacinth No, but he always thought of me as a favourite Aunt. (reads) Dear Aunt Hyacinth, returning home to claim my inheritance, after which I intend to marry and settle down. P.S. Looking forward to seeing your beautiful daughters again. Love, Tom. Did you hear that? He’s going to claim his inheritance and marry one of my daughters!
Oddjob The letter didn’t say that.
Hyacinth No, but I can read between the lines. I’d better go and tell the girls to get their glad-rags on. Toodle-doo! (dashes off SL)
Ivy enters (SR) and creeps up behind Oddjob.
Ivy Hello, Oddjob.
Oddjob (jumps) Ivy! Don’t creep up on people like that. (to audience) Ivy? Creep? Forget it.
IvyHave you seen mum around anywhere?
Oddjob She was here just now. But then she got rather excited about the prospect of one of her daughters getting married, and dashed off.
Ivy (grabbing him in a clinch) Oh, Oddjob! I thought you’d never ask!
Oddjob (penny drops) No Ivy, you’ve got it all wrong!
Ivy You mean, you’re not about to propose marriage?
Oddjob No, I’m not!
Ivy Then I’ll propose to you instead.
Oddjob (checks his watch) Is that the time? I’m going to be late for my next job. Bye Ivy! (dashes off DSL)
Ivy (to audience) It’s always the same. Just when I think I’m getting somewhere with Oddjob, he always finds an excuse to rush off. Maybe I’m destined never to find true love. Music cue 7: Ivy After song ends…exits (SR)
Voltaire enters (SL)
Voltaire Opening a hyper-mill, was a masterstrokeAnd now the millers have gone broke.I’ll ensure they sell their mill to me,Before young Tom returns, you’ll see.So Fairy Feline can sit and rot,That’s what happens when I plot. (exits laughing)
Fairy Feline enters (SR) with Puss (played by a Child)
Fairy Feline That Demon makes me hopping mad,He takes great pleasure in being bad.But with Puss on my side I won’t despair,We’ll both bring down that wicked Voltaire.
Puss (defiant punch) Meow!
Fairy Feline and Puss exit (SR) Dick and Harry enter from the mill, arguing.
Harry I thought you said you’d put the will in a safe place?
Dick I did put it in a safe place. (wryly) It’s so safe even I can’t remember where it is.
Harry But without it, we won’t know who’s inherited what.
Dick What are we gonna do then?
Harry We’re gonna sell this mill to the first person who wants it, that’s what. (stands next to the mill’s sails)
Dick But what if the mill is Tom’s inheritance?
Harry Oh, blow Tom’s inheritance!
Dick Righto. (blows on the mill’s sails)
SFX:The sails turn knocking Harry over.
Harry (scrambling to his feet) What did you do that for!
Dick You told me to!
Harry Oh no, I didn’t!
Dick Oh yes, you did!
Harry Oh no, I didn’t!
Dick Oh yes, you did!
As they argue, Voltaire enters unseen (SL) and comes up behind them.
Voltaire Pardon me, gentlemen.
Dick and Harry stop and turn.
Harry If you’re after buying flour, we haven’t any.
Voltaire I don’t wish to buy flour, but I would like to buy your mill.
Harry (delighted) And we’d like to sell it to you.
Voltaire I trust business is good.
Harry Couldn’t be better.
Dick Apart from the bottom falling out of the flour market.
Harry (digs him in the ribs) Shut up! (to Voltaire) The flour market is rising again.
Dick It must be a self-raising, flour market.
Voltaire How much do you want for your mill?
Harry We won’t take a penny less than a thousand pounds.
Voltaire I’ll give you fifty.
Harry Done!
Voltaire(holds over 5x£10 notes) Here is your money.
Harry (takes money) Thank you! (aside to Dick) What a sucker.
Two smart-suited Lawyers enter (USL) Music cue 8:
Voltaire My lawyers will complete the legal formalities. Goodbye, gentlemen. (exits DSL)
Lawyer 1 This won’t take long, gents. That’s £10 surveyor’s fee. (takes £10 from Harry)
Lawyer 2 Plus £10 for conveyancing. (takes £10)
Lawyer 1 Plus £10 commission. (takes £10)
Lawyer 2 Plus £10 legal fees. (takes £10)
Lawyer 1 Plus £10 finder’s fee. (takes £10)
Lawyer 2 Plus £10 for sundries.
Harry delves into his pocket and brings out another £10 note.
Harry (reluctantly handing it over) Here you are.
Lawyer 1 It’s been a pleasure doing business with you.
Lawyer 2 Good day gentlemen.
Lawyers exit (DSL) Dick and Harry stare after them open-mouthed.
Dick (bemused) What happened just then?
Harry I’m not sure, but we’re £10 down on the deal.
Tom enters (SR)
Tom (shaking hands with Dick & Harry) Dick! Harry! It’s great to be home! Now, let’s go inside and read father’s will.
Harry We would if we could find it.
Tom What do you mean?DickI put it somewhere for safekeeping and can’t remember where.
Tom Don’t worry. I had a copy made before I left, just in case. (produces a scroll)
Harry (snatches it) As the eldest, I should read father’s will. (opens scroll and scans it)
Dick What does it say Harry?
Harry This is the last will…blah-blah-blah…sound mind…blah-blah-blah. Ah, here we are. To my three sons, Tom, Dick and Harry. I bequeath all my worldly goods. To my eldest son Harry, I leave the mill. (to the others) See I told you it would be mine. To my middle son, Dick. I leave my complete collection of Happy Meal toys.
Harry And to my youngest son Tom, I leave the mill’s cat.
Dick But the mill doesn’t even have a cat.
Puss enters (USR) sits next to Tom’s feet and looks up at him
Puss Meow!
Tom It does now. (patting Puss) Well Puss. It seems that you now belong to me.
Puss (nods and taps a golden coin on his collar) Meow!
Tom What’s this? (unclips coin) A golden Guinea! I’m sure I can make good use of this.
A commotion is heard offstage and Hyacinth and her 4 daughters hurry on (SL)
Hyacinth Hurry girls! Master Tom will be here any second!
Poppy (spots Tom) He’s already here!
Hyacinth Welcome home, Master Tom! (hugs him)
Tom Aunt Hyacinth! It’s wonderful to see you again.
Daisy (to other girls) He’s certainly grown since he left, hasn’t he?
Rose I’ll let you know after we’re married.
Ivy Tom’s very nice-looking. But I’m only interested in Oddjob.
Harry So, Tom got the cat and a golden Guinea. Dick got father’s collection of Happy Meal toys. But what have I got?
Tom You’ve got the mill.
Harry Not anymore. I sold it.
Tom (shocked) You sold it?
Harry Yes, but I was swindled out of it and ended up with nothing.
Tom You had no right to sell the mill, before the reading of father’s will.
Hyacinth There’s an old saying. Where’s there’s a will, there’s a corpse.
Harry Maybe if you’d stayed behind and helped us run the mill, Tom. Instead of swanning off somewhere. We might not have found ourselves in this predicament. (to Dick) There’s nothing left for us here, Dick. Let’s go and find ourselves another job.
Dick What kind of job?
Harry Anything we can get.
Both exit (SR)
Tom This wasn’t the kind of homecoming I’d hoped for, Aunt Hyacinth.
Hyacinth I know, master Tom. But don’t let it spoil your wedding plans.
Tom (shocked) Wedding plans! What wedding plans?
Hyacinth Your letter said that you were planning to get married and settle down.
Tom At some point, hopefully. But only when I’ve found the right girl.
Hyacinth Line up girls! Quickly now! (they do so) Take your pick, master Tom.
Tom (diplomatically) That’s very kind of you Hyacinth. But how can I possibly choose? They’re all so pretty, I might just as well pick one blindfold.
Hyacinth Do any of you girls have a blindfold?
The Girls all shake their heads.
Tom Anyway, I’m going to be too busy to get married. I must find the scoundrel who swindled my brothers out of the mill, and get it back.
Hyacinth Then there’s only one thing for it.
Poppy What’s that then, mum?
Hyacinth I’m going to register you all with an online dating agency. Desperates-R-Us.com. Come along then.
Hyacinth and Girls exit (DSL) Tom and Puss go up to the mill door.
Tom Well Puss. I never thought I’d see the day the old mill was closed down.
Puss (sadly) Meow!
Tom When I think of all the happy times I’ve spent here. Music cue 9: Tom After song…I’m determined to get the mill back Puss, whatever it takes.
The Royal Party enter (SR)
Princess (complaining) Why have we come back here?
Queen I’m baking cakes for the royal garden party and I need some more flour.
Princess I’ll ask the miller boy for some. (to Tom) Excuse me.
Tom Yes, what can I do for…(turns and is immediately smitten)…you?
Princess (also smitten) I think you’ve just done it.
They suddenly hold hands and stare into each other’s eyes.
Tom My name’s Tom. What’s yours?
Princess I’m…
King (interrupting)…Take your hands off the Princess, at once!
Tom (immediately lets go and moves away) Princess!?
Major Domo Those hands you’ve just soiled, belong to her royal highness Princess Pearl.
Princess He hasn’t soiled them, Major Domo. (smiles at Tom) Quite the opposite.
Tom What can I do for your majesties?
Queen One would like to purchase a sack of one’s finest flour, please.
Tom I’m sorry your majesty, but the mill’s closed down.
King Closed down?
Tom Yes, and it’s also been sold.
PrincessYou’ve sold the mill?
Tom Not me, my daft brothers.
Queen Then where is one to get one’s flour?
Tom Don’t worry your majesty. I intend to get the mill back and re-open it. I only hope our customers remain loyal until then.
Princess I’ll remain loyal to you…I mean…I’m sure they will.
Major Domo There’s always that new hyper-mill, your majesty.
Queen Of, course! (trying to drag Pearl away) Come along Pearl.
Princess (resists) How am I supposed to find Mr Right, if you never let me talk to anybody?
King You can talk to anybody you like. Just so long as they’re rich and titled.
Queen A Marquis at the very least. (drags her away)
The Royal Party exit (USR)
Tom I think I’ve fallen in love, Puss. I don’t know how, but I mean to win her hand. But first I must go and make my fortune, if I’m to stand any chance. Come along, Puss.
They exit (USL) Voltaire enters (DSL)
Voltaire So, young Master Tom has fallen in love,
And wants the Princess for his turtle dove.
But I will destroy all his hopes in life,
And they’ll never become, husband and wife. (exits laughing)
Fairy Feline enters (SR)
Fairy Feline He really is a nasty fellow,
His life must be so very shallow.
But his evil plan won’t succeed,
For love is a powerful thing indeed. (exits)
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