Puss In Boots

Scene One

Camberwick Mill

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…The Villagers all line up outside the mill. Music cue 2: Major Domo enters (SR) and bangs his mace.

Major Domo

(announcing loudly) Pease welcome their Royal Majesties, the King and Queen! And her royal highness, Princess Pearl!

The Royal Party enter (SR) and stand in front of the mill door.

King

(addressing the crowd) Greetings loyal objects!

The Villagers are plainly unimpressed.

Queen

(to Major Domo) The villagers don’t seem pleased to see us, Major Domo.

Major Domo

I’m afraid the royal family aren’t as popular as they once were, your majesty. Now if one of you were to enter the ‘Big Brother’ house.

King

I don’t think we need stoop that low, Major Domo. I’m sure we can win them over with a spot of royal hand waving.

Queen

Good idea, dear.

The King and Queen wave their hands about in the royal fashion.

Villager 1

(snappy to Royals) Would you mind moving out of the way? We’re waiting for the mill to open!

Major Domo

(to Villager 1) How dare you speak to their majesties, in that manner!

Villager 2

We’re not interested in royalty. We’re only interested in buying our daily flour.

Princess

(bored yawn) Oh, do hurry up father. This is all so tiresome.

King

(to Princess) Pearl, please! Not in front of the common people.

Villager 3

(to King) ‘Ere, mush! Who do you fink you’re calling ‘common’? (nosily wipes nose on sleeve)

Queen

(grimaces) Gross!

King

(to Major Domo) Major Domo, do the announcement if you please.

Major Domo

(bangs his mace) Hear ye! Hear ye! The Royal Palace is holding an open-day and garden party, tomorrow afternoon. And all citizens of Camberwick are invited to attend.

Villagers cheer and exit (SL) talking animatedly as they go.

Queen
That seems to have perked them up a bit.

Major Domo

Your majesties subjects are a fickle lot. If ever they lose interest in the monarchy, you only have to announce a garden party or a royal wedding. And their interest is soon re-kindled.

King

Well it’s always worked for the Windsor’s. (chuckles)

Princess

(bored sigh) Can we go now? I’m bored.

King/Queen

Bored!?

Princess

Yes, bored. B.O.R.E.D, bored! If I were a Prince I’d be off, slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, and stuff. Being a Princess is dead boring.

King/Queen

Oh no, it isn’t!

Princess

Oh yes, it is!

Queen

All right then. I’ll ask the audience if they think it’s boring being a Princess.

Princess

Go ahead. They’re bound to agree with me.

Queen  
Well if they don’t, you must agree a forfeit.

Princess

What kind of forfeit?

King

Picking yourself a husband and getting married within the week.

Princess

You can’t be serious, father.

King

Deadly serious. Besides, it might give you something to occupy your mind and stop you get bored.

Queen

(aside to audience) I wouldn’t bet on it girls.

Princess

Then the forfeit should work both ways.

King

But I’m already married!

Queen

To me as it happens.

Princess

I mean, if I win then you must both forfeit something.

King

Such as?

Princess

Such as allowing me to marry whoever I like, be it nobleman or commoner.

Major Domo

So. (turning to each party in turn) Your majesties. Princess. Is it Deal or no deal?

SFX: Loud ‘heartbeat’ sound.

Kin/Qu/Prin

(after several seconds thinking) Deal!

Queen

(to audience) Right then. On the count of three. Everybody who thinks it’s brilliant being a Princess, shout ‘brilliant’.

Princess

And everybody who thinks it’s boring being a Princess, shout ‘boring’.

King

And Major Domo will adjudicate. One…two…three! (audience shout)

Major Domo

I declare Their majesties the winners!

Princess

(to audience) I think I’ve just been stitched up.

Queen

That’s settled then. (to Princess) You must marry either a Prince or a rich nobleman, within the week.

Princess

You’re not going to hold me to that silly deal, are you?

King

A deal’s a deal. (to Queen) I’m famished! Let’s go to Greggs and pick up something, before we return to the palace.

Queen

Yes, dear. (to Princess) Come along Pearl.

Princess

I’m not hungry, mother. You all go ahead and I’ll wait here until you return.

Queen

All right dear, we won’t be long.

King

(to Queen as they exit) I wonder if they do king-sized pasties.

King, Queen and Major Domo exit (SR)

Princess

(moves downstage) How will I find someone to fall in love with and marry within a week? It’s impossible. Music cue 3: Princess. After song ends…

King, Queen and Major Domo enter (SR) the King is just finishing off a pasty.

Princess

(turns) Oh, you’re back.

Queen

(to Princess) Yes, now let’s go home.

The Royal Party exit (SL)

Dame Dolittle’s daughters enter (DSR) and go up to the mill door.

Hyacinth

(sees the ‘Closed’ sign) The mill’s closed!

Daisy

The lazy millers must still be in bed.

Rose

I’ll soon get them up. (rings the bell) Music cue 4:

SFX: Sails on windmill turn round and round.

Hyacinth

It’s no use, they’re probably fast asleep.

Daisy

Why don’t we ask this lot…(audience)…to help us wake them?

Rose

Good idea. (to audience) Will you help us wake the millers? (audience react) Great. On the count of three, everybody shout ‘Wakey-wakey! One…two…three! Wakey-wakey! (audience shout) Louder! Wakey-wakey! (audience shout)

Harry

(opens the door, scratching and yawning) Morning girls. What can I do for you?

Hyacinth

We’d like some flour please.

Harry

I’m afraid we’re all out of flour.

Daisy

How come?

Harry

A big hyper-mill has just opened nearby, forcing us small millers out of business.

Dick enters (USR) carrying a ‘For Sale’ sign over his shoulder.

Dick
Hiya girls! Have you come to buy flour for your mum?

Rose

Yes, but Harry says you haven’t any.

Dick

It’s true. We can’t get hold of corn, for love nor money.

Hyacinth

What about oats?

Dick

We haven’t had any in months (to Harry) Have we Harry?

Harry

You speak for yourself.

Dick lifts the ‘For Sale’ sign off his shoulder and stands it up.

Daisy

Don’t tell me you’re selling the mill off!

Harry
Yep. Lock stock and two empty barrels.

Doris

(shouts off) Push harder, Oddjob!

Rose

It’s mum!

Harry

(to Dick) I don’t fancy facing Dame Dolittle, this early in the morning.

Dick

I don’t fancy facing her anytime of the day. Let’s get outta here. (dashes inside the mill and slams the door shut just as Harry reaches it)

Harry

(hammering on the door) Let me in!

Dick

Who is it?

Harry

Harry!

Dick

Harry who?

Harry

Harry up and open the door!

The door opens and Harry goes inside and the door slams shut again.

Oddjob enters (DSR) pushing on a cut-out taxi containing Dame Dolittle.

Oddjob

Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond)

Doris

Put your back into it, Oddjob!

Oddjob

I’ll put my back ‘out’ in a minute. (gives the Taxi one last push and lets go – the taxi careers across stage and disappears off SL)

Doris

(yells off) Heeeelp!!!!

Oddjob

(goes and looks through the wing) That hill looks steep. I wonder if she’ll remember to apply the brake.

Doris

(off) Arrrgggh!

SFX: Loud crashing sound.

Oddjob

Nope.

Girls

(exclaim) Mum! (all run off SL)

Oddjob

Bang goes my no-claims bonus. (sees audience) Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you all there. Have you come for the royal garden party? (audience respond) Allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Bob, but everybody calls me ‘Oddjob’ because of all the odd part-time jobs I do. I’m also a part-time resident of Camberwick. I can’t afford to live here full-time, due the high house prices. But it might make me feel more at home, if whenever I come on and shout ‘hiya folks’! You all to shout back, ‘hiya Oddjob’. Would you do that? (audience respond) Great. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (audience respond) I’m sorry, but that didn’t make me feel any more at home than I did before. Let’s have another go. (repeat until happy with response) That’s much better! I feel right at home now.

Doris enters (DSL) with a steering wheel around her neck and carrying a car battery in her hand – supported on either side by her girls.

Doris

(to Oddjob) Call yourself a driver! I’ve a good mind to sue you for whiplash!

Oddjob

You should’ve applied your foot to the brake.

Doris

I’ll apply my foot to your backside in a minute!

Oddjob

(to Doris) What about my taxi fare?

Doris

I’m not paying for that so-called, taxi trip! I’ve had smoother rides on a three-legged donkey with a limp.

Oddjob

But I’ve got overheads!

Doris

Well here’s some more. (hits him with the steering wheel)

Oddjob

I’ll have you up for assault.

Doris

Then you might as well add battery to the charge. (bashes him with the ‘battery’ then shows it to audience) Assault and battery? Get it? Oh, please yourselves.

Hyacinth

What are you doing here anyway, mum?

Doris

I came to see why it was taking you so long to fetch my flour.

Rose

Well you see, mum…

Dame

…You did get some, didn’t you?

Daisy

No, mum.

Doris

Don’t tell me they’ve stopped my tab.

Rose

No, mum. They’ve closed the mill.

Doris

What! But it’s not even a bank holiday.

Hyacinth

They’ve closed it for good, mum. (pointing to ‘For Sale’ sign) Look.

Doris

(checks the sign) But if they do that, then where can we get our flour?

Rose

Asda?

Doris

Don’t be daft. They’ll never allow me a tab.

Daisy

What are you going to do, mum?

Dame

I’ll appeal to the public at large.

Oddjob

I think you’ll find you don’t, you know.

Dame

(to audience) Hello public at large! (peering out) Not to mention the extra-large.

Daisy

Extra-large?

Doris

I told you not to mention them. (to audience) Who would like to sign a petition to keep our mill open? (audience react) Oh, that’s very kind of you. (hands a small piece of paper to audience member in front row) You start it at this end and then pass it along…what? You haven’t got anything to write with? Hang on a mo. (rummages in her bloomers pocket) I’ve got a little one in here somewhere. (produces a tiny pencil and hands it over) Here you are.

Rose

You’ll never get everybody’s name on that little piece of paper, mum.

Dame

You’re right, Rose. Most of them are probably illiterate. (to audience member) Get everyone to put their X on it and I’ll pick it up after the show. (returns to stage) Now I’ve just noticed, that we have some VIP’s on the front row. ‘Very Irritable Pensioners’. We also have a group from the British Haemorrhoid Society. (pointing) That’s them all stood up at the back. (to Oddjob) Are you still here?

Oddjob

Yes, and I’m still waiting for my taxi fare.

Dame

You’ll have a long wait then. I’m just a poor lonely widow…(elicits audience sympathy)…with no means of support. My late husband never left me much after he died. (wryly) Although he left me plenty of times when he was alive. And I’ve had to bring up four girls all on my own. I had hoped they’d all be married off by now, but for some reason no one wants to marry them. I can’t think why. I mean, what’s wrong with my girls?

Oddjob

Nothing. It’s the mother-in-law they don’t fancy.

Doris

Cheek!

Hyacinth

Maybe one of the miller boys would like to marry us, mum.

Daisy

I’ve always had a thing for Tom.

Rose

I fancy Harry.

Hyacinth

And I love…

Doris

(quickly interrupts)…Steady on! You can’t marry Tom, Dick or Harry!

Daisy

Why not mum?

Dame

Well if their mill’s gone bust, then they’re just as poor as we are.

Daisy

But that’s not fair, mum.

Doris

Sorry girls. No dough, no go.

Ugly Betty enters (SR)

Ugly Betty

Hello everybody!

All Girls

Hello Betty!

Doris

(aside to audience) This is Betty. The only one of my daughters not to have inherited their mother’s, ravishing good looks.

Ugly Betty

(to Oddjob) Hello Oddjob. Fancy taking me dancing tonight?

Oddjob

I’d love too Betty, but I’ve got lots of odd-jobs on. See ya later. (quickly exits DSL)

Ugly Betty

(downbeat) Why do boys keep avoiding me, mum? What’s wrong with me?

Dame

Nothing that plastic surgery can’t put right, dear.

Ugly Betty

Maybe I should wear more make-up.

Doris

I never needed make-up to attract the boys.

Rose

It probably hadn’t been invented then.

Doris

Cheek!

Ugly Betty

I could understand it, if I was ugly. But everybody keeps telling me how much I look like you, mum.

Doris

They ought to go to Specsavers. Anyway, don’t take any notice of what people say Betty. Just remember the story of the Ugly Duckling.

Daisy
What story’s that then?

Doris

Listen and I’ll tell you. Music cue 5: Doris & Girls. After song ends…

Ugly Betty

Thanks mum, I feel much better now.

Mill door starts to open very slowly.

SFX: Sound of door creaking.

Doris

(to Girls) Scram girls! I’ll deal with these two myself.

The Girls exit (SR) and Doris hides behind the door as it slowly opens.

Harry

(sticks his head out) It’s all clear, Dick.

They enter cautiously from the mill.

Dick

I thought the silly old battle-axe would never leave.

Doris

(shuts the mill door behind them) Did you just call me a silly old battle-axe?

Dick

(terrified) N…n…no, Doris!

Doris

Yes, you did! I heard you with my own two eyes.

Dick

Who you gonna believe? Me, or your own two eyes?

Doris

Never mind that. (tapping the ‘For Sale’ sign) What’s the meaning of this?

Harry

Can’t you read?

Doris

‘Course I can read! I just want to know why you’re selling the mill.

Dick

Because we haven’t any flour, that’s why.

Doris

Not even for…(seductively)…’special’ customers.

Harry

Even if we did, you’re not one of them.

Doris

(snaps) But I’m your biggest customer!

Dick

(looking her over) We won’t argue with you there, Doris.

Doris

Watch it! Anyway, you’ve no right selling the mill before reading your father’s will.

Harry

As the eldest son, father’s bound to have left the mill to me.

Doris

I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you. Young Tom was the apple of your father’s eye. What if the mill’s been left to him and you’ve sold it?

Dick

We haven’t heard from Tom since he went to sea, years ago. And he’s not likely to turn up now, is he?

Oddjob enters (SR) carrying a large mailbag.

Oddjob

Hiya folks! (audience respond) Telegram for Dick and Harry!

Harry

(takes the telegram) I wonder who it’s from? (opens telegram and scans it)

Oddjob

(delves into his mailbag and brings out three letters) I have three special-delivery letters for you, Doris.

Doris

(takes the letters) Ooooh! They must be replies to my lonely-hearts ad, from men all desperate to get their hands on me.

Oddjob

Yes. The Electric man, the Gas man and the rent man.

Dick

(to Harry) What does our letter say, Harry?

Harry

(reads) ‘Dear Dick and Harry. On my way home for the reading of father’s will. Stop. Your brother Tom. Stop. P.S. I expect to be with you in ten minutes’. Stop. (exclaims) Ten minutes! We’d better get inside and find the will quick, Dick!

Dick and Harry exit into the mill.