SCENE ONE
THE MILL ON THE HILL
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus line up at the mill door.
Music cue 2: Enter the Royal party [SR]
MAJOR D: Make way for the royal party!
The Royal Party push through and stand in front of the mill door.
KING: Greetings loyal objects!
The Chorus are unimpressed.
QUEEN: The common folk don’t seem pleased to see us, Major Domo.
MAJOR D: I’m afraid the royal family aren’t as popular these days, Your Majesty.
KING: [to Queen] I think it’s time for a spot of royal hand waving, dear.
QUEEN: That always goes down well with our subjects, doesn’t it.
King and Queen wave their hands in the royal fashion.
CHORUS 1: Get out of the way, we’re waiting for the mill to open!
MAJOR D: How dare you speak thus to royalty!
CHORUS 2: We’re not interested in royalty, mate.
CHORUS 3: We’re only interested in buying our daily flour.
PRINCESS: I’d rather be doing something more interesting myself.
KING: Pearl, please, not in front of the common folk!
CHORUS 4: Who are you calling common, mush? [wipes nose nosily on sleeve]
QUEEN: Ew! Gross!
KING: Do the announcement, please, Major Domo.
MAJOR D: Yes, Your Majesty. [bangs mace] Hear ye! Hear ye! The royal palace is holding a garden party tomorrow, and everybody is invited!
Chorus cheer and exit [SL]
QUEEN: That seems to have perked them up, Major Domo.
MAJOR D: Your Majesties subjects are a fickle lot. If ever they lose interest in royalty, you need only announce a royal event, and their interest is re-kindled.
KING: It’s always worked for the Windsors.
PRINCESS: Can we please go now, I’m bored.
KING & QUEEN: Bored!?
PRINCESS: Yes, bored! B.O.R.E.D, bored! If I were a Prince, I’d be off slaying dragons or rescuing damsels in distress, but being a Princess is dead boring.
KING & QUEEN: Oh, no it isn’t!
PRINCESS: Oh, yes it is!
QUEEN: I bet the peasants don’t think it’s boring being a Princess.
PRINCESS: And I bet they do.
KING: We’ll ask them, and if you’re wrong, then you must agree to a forfeit.
PRINCESS: What kind of forfeit?
KING: You agree to find yourself somebody suitable to marry within the week.
PRINCESS: You can’t be serious, Father.
KING: I’m deadly serious. At least then you won’t be bored.
QUEEN: [dryly] I wouldn’t bet on it.
PRINCESS: Then the forfeit should work both ways.
KING: But we’re already married.
QUEEN: To each other as it happens.
PRINCESS: If I win the bet then you must allow me to marry whoever I choose.
KING & QUEEN: It’s a deal!
KING: Major Domo will act as the adjudicator and decide who the winner is.
MAJOR D: [to audience] On the count of three, those who think it’s brilliant being a Princess, shout ‘brilliant’! And those who think it’s boring being a Princess, shout ‘boring’! One…two…three! Their Majesties win.
PRINCESS: I think I’ve been royally stitched up.
QUEEN: That’s settled then. You have one week to find yourself a suitable spouse, Pearl.
PRINCESS: You’re not both seriously going to hold me to that silly forfeit, are you?
KING: A deal’s a deal, Pearl.
QUEEN: I’m famished!
KING: Me too. Find us the nearest Gregg’s, Major Domo.
MAJOR D: Yes, Your Majesty.
QUEEN: Come along, Pearl.
PRINCESS: I’ve suddenly lost my appetite; I’ll wait here until you return.
KING: We can’t leave you here all alone, Pearl!
PRINCESS: I’ll be perfectly safe, and I promise I won’t move.
QUEEN: Very well, Pearl, we won’t be long.
Exit King and Queen [SR] led off by Major Domo.
PRINCESS: There’s no way I’ll fall in love and marry somebody within a week! It’s impossible! Music cue 3: Princess. After song ends…
Enter King and Queen and Major Domo [SR]
KING: [patting his tummy] That Gregg’s king-sized pasty was delicious.
QUEEN: [wiping the corner of her mouth] As was their vegan sausage roll.
PRINCESS: Now can please we go home?
KING: Of course, dear. Take us back to the palace, Major Domo.
MAJOR. D: This way, Your Majesties.
Exit Royal Party [SR]
Enter Daisy, Rose and Poppy [SL] they go up to the mill door.
DAISY: [tries the door] The mill’s closed!
ROSE: The lazy millers must still be in bed, Daisy.
POPPY: I’ll knock them up, Rose. [knocks on door] They’re not answering.
DAISY: They’re probably fast asleep, Poppy.
ROSE: Why don’t we ask the boys and girls to help us wake them.
POPPY: Boys and girls, will you help us wake the lazy millers? On the count of three, shout, ‘wakey-wakey’! One…two…three! Wakey-wakey!
Enter Harry from the mill, scratching his head and yawning.
HARRY: Morning, girls, what can I do for you?
DAISY: We’d like some flour, please, Harry.
HARRY: We’re all out of flour I’m afraid.
ROSE: How come?
HARRY: A hyper-mill’s opened nearby, forcing all us small millers out of business.
Enter Dick [USR] carrying a ‘For Sale’ sign over his shoulder.
DICK: Hiya, girls! Have you come to buy flour for your mum?
