Puss In Boots

Scene One

The Mill On The Hill

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Villagers all line up outside the mill.

Music cue 2: Enter the Royal party (SR)

Major Domo Make way for the Royal Family!

The Royal Party make their way through and stand in front of the mill door.

King Greetings loyal objects!

The Villagers are plainly unimpressed.

Queen The commoners don’t seem pleased to see us, Major Domo.

Major Domo I’m afraid your majesties aren’t as popular as you once were.

King (to Queen) Perhaps we should do a spot of royal hand waving, dear.

Queen Yes. That always goes down well, with the common folk.

The King and Queen wave their hands about in the royal fashion.

Villager 1 Would you mind moving out of the way? We’re waiting for the mill to open.

Major Domo How dare you speak thus, to their majesties!

Villager 2 We’re not interested in royalty, mate. We’re only interested in buying our daily flour.

Princess (bored) Do hurry up father. This is all so tiresome.

King Please, Pearl! Not in front of the common people.

Villager 3 Who do you fink you’re calling common, mush? (nosily wipes nose on sleeve)

Queen (grimaces) Gross!

King Make the announcement please, Major Domo.

Major Domo (bangs mace) Hear ye! Hear ye! The Royal Palace is holding a garden party, tomorrow afternoon! And everybody is invited to attend!

Villagers cheer and exit (SL) talking animatedly as they go.

Queen That seems to have perked them up.

Major Domo Your majesties subjects are fickle. If ever they lose interest in royalty, you need only announce a royal event, and their interest is re-kindled.

King Well, it’s always worked for the Windsor’s.

Princess (heavy sigh) Can we go now? I’m bored.

King & Queen Bored!?

Princess Yes, bored. B.O.R.E.D, bored! If I were a Prince, I’d be off, slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, and stuff. Being a Princess, is dead boring.

King & Queen Oh no, it isn’t!

Princess Oh yes, it is!

Queen I’ll bet the audience don’t think it’s boring being a Princess.

Princess And I’ll bet they do.

King If they don’t, then you must agree a forfeit.

Princess What kind of forfeit?

King You must find yourself someone suitable to marry, within a week.

Princess You can’t be serious, father.

King Deadly serious. At least then it might stop you getting bored.

Queen I wouldn’t bet on it. (to audience) Would you girls?

Princess Then the forfeit should work both ways.

King But we’re already married.

Queen To each other as it happens.

Princess If I win the bet, then you must allow me to marry whoever I like, be they nobleman or commoner.

King & Queen It’s a deal!

King Officiate and adjudicate if you please, Major Domo.

Major Domo Yes, your majesty. (to audience) On the count of three, everybody who thinks it’s brilliant being a Princess, shout brilliant! And everybody who thinks it’s boring being a Princess, shout boring! One…two…three! (response) Their majesties, win.

Princess (to audience) I think I’ve just been stitched up.

Queen That’s settled then. You must marry a Prince or a rich nobleman within a week, Pearl.

Princess You’re not seriously going to hold me to that silly deal, are you?

King A deal’s a deal, Pearl.

Queen I’m famished! Let’s go and eat.

King Good idea. Come along Pearl.

Princess I’m suddenly not hungry. You go ahead and I’ll wait here until you return.

Queen We can’t leave you here all alone.

Princess I’ll be fine, mother. There’s nobody around and I promise I won’t move.

King Very well then, we won’t be long.

Queen Take us to Greggs, Major Domo.

Major Domo Yes, your majesty.

Exit King, Queen and Major Domo (SR) led by Major Domo.

Princess I don’t know what my parents are expecting. But it’s impossible to find somebody to fall in love with within a week. Music cue 3: Princess. After song ends…

Enter King, Queen and Major Domo (SR) The King is just finishing off a pasty.

King That king-sized pasty was delicious.

Queen As was their vegan sausage roll.

Princess And now that you’re both fed, can we please go home?

King Of course, dear. Lead on Major Domo.

Exit Royal Party (SR) led off by Major Domo.

Enter Poppy, Daisy and Rose (SL) they go up to the mill door.

Poppy (sees a sign on the door that reads MILL CLOSED) The mill’s closed!

Daisy The lazy millers must still be in bed.

Rose I’ll soon get them up. (rings the bell)

SFX: Bell sound.

Poppy It’s no use, they’re probably fast asleep.

Daisy Why don’t we ask this lot…(audience)…to help us wake them?

Rose (to audience) Will you all help us wake the millers? On the count of three, everybody shout wakey-wakey! One…two…three! Wakey-wakey! Louder! Wakey-wakey!

Enter Harry from the mill, scratching his head and yawning.

Harry Morning girls. What can I do for you?

Poppy We’d like some flour please, Harry.

Harry I’m afraid we’re all out of flour.

Daisy How come?

Harry A hyper-mill has opened nearby, forcing all us small millers out of business.

Enter Dick (USR) carrying a FOR SALE sign over his shoulder.

Dick Hiya girls! Have you come to buy flour for your mum?

Rose Yes, but Harry says you haven’t got any.

Dick It’s true. The hyper-mill has cornered the market. We can’t get hold of corn, for love nor money.

Poppy What about oats?

Dick We haven’t had any in months, have we Harry?

Harry You speak for yourself, Dick.

Dick lifts the sign off his shoulder and stands it up.

Daisy Don’t tell me you’re selling off the mill!

Harry Yep. Lock stock and two empty barrels.

Hyacinth (shouts off) Push harder, Oddjob!

Rose It’s mum!

Harry I don’t fancy facing Hyacinth, this early in the morning, Dick.

Dick I never fancy facing her, anytime of the day. Let’s get outta here, quick. (exits inside the mill and slams the door leaving Harry outside)

Harry (hammering on the door) Let me in!

Dick Who is it?

Harry Harry!

Dick Harry who?

Harry Harry up and open the door! (opens door, pulls Dick inside and slams it shut)

Enter Oddjob (DSR) pushing on a cut-out taxi with Hyacinth onboard.

Hyacinth Put your back into it, Oddjob!

Oddjob I’ll put my back out, in a minute. (gives one last push and taxi careers across stage and disappears off SL)

Hyacinth (off) Heeeelp!

Oddjob (peers in wing) That hill looks steep. I wonder if she’ll remember to apply the brake.

SFX: Loud crashing sound.

Oddjob Nope.

Girls(exclaim) Mum! (exit all at a run SL)

Oddjob Bang goes my no-claims bonus. (to audience) Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you all there. I’m Bob, but everybody calls me Oddjob, because of all the odd jobs I do. And some are very odd, I can tell you. I worked as a bug sorter for an entomologist after I boxed all the right ticks. I was also a temporary mirror inspector. Now, that’s a job I could see myself doing. Then I worked for a wizard making potions, but it was only for a short spell. I was once a bank teller, until I lost interest. Then I applied for a job at the zoo looking after marsupials. But I didn’t have the right koalifications. I even tried my hand at lumberjacking, but I couldn’t hack it. So, if anybody has any odd jobs they want doing, just give me a shout. In fact, whenever I come on, I’ll shout, what do I do? And you all shout back, oddjobs, Oddjob! Let’s have a practice. (exits and re-enters) What do I do? (repeat until happy) Brilliant!

Enter Hyacinth (DSL) with a steering wheel around her neck and carrying a car battery in her hand – supported on either side by her girls.

Hyacinth (to Oddjob) Call yourself a taxi driver! I’ve a good mind to sue you for whiplash!

Oddjob You should’ve applied your foot to the brake.

Hyacinth I’ll apply my foot to your backside in a minute!

Oddjob You do, and I’ll have you for assault.

Hyacinth Then you can add battery to the charge, too. (bashes him with the battery – to audience) Assault and battery? Get it? Oh, please yourselves.

Oddjob What about my taxi fare?

Hyacinth I’m not paying for that so called, taxi trip! I’ve had smoother rides on a three-legged donkey with a limp.

Oddjob It’s your fault it broke down.

Hyacinth How is it my fault?

Oddjob It’s not built for carrying that much weight.

Hyacinth Cheek!

Poppy What are you doing here anyway, mum?

Hyacinth I came to see why it was taking you so long to fetch my flour, Poppy.

Daisy We couldn’t get any mum.

Hyacinth Don’t tell me they’ve stopped my tab, Daisy.

Rose No, mum. The mill’s closed.

Hyacinth But it’s not even a bank holiday, Rose.

Poppy I’m afraid they’ve closed it for good, mum. (indicating the FOR SALE sign) Look.

Hyacinth But if they do that, then where can we get our flour?

Daisy Asda?

Hyacinth Don’t talk daft. They’ll never allow me a tab.

Rose Then what are you going to do, mum?

Hyacinth I’ll appeal to the public at large.

Oddjob I think you’ll find you won’t, you know.

Hyacinth (to audience) Hello public at large! Not to mention the extra-large.

Poppy Extra-large?

Hyacinth I said not to mention them. (moves amongst audience) Who would like to sign a petition to keep our mill open? Thanks. (hands a small piece of paper to person on the front row) You start it off and then pass it along. You’ll need something to write with. Just a mo. (rummages in her bloomers) I’ve got a small one in here somewhere. (produces a small pencil) It’s, a pencil!

Daisy They’ll never get everybody’s name on that small piece of paper, mum.

Hyacinth You’re right. Most of them are probably illiterate anyway. (returns to stage) I’ve just noticed that we have some VIP’s on the front row. Very Irritable Pensioners. We also have a group from the British Haemorrhoid Society. (pointing) That’s them all stood up at the back. Why are you still here Oddjob?

Oddjob I’m still waiting for my taxi fare.

Hyacinth Then you’ll have a long wait. I’m just a poor lonely widow…(elicits sympathy)…with no means of support. My late husband didn’t leave me much after he died. (wryly) Although he left me plenty of times when he was alive. And I’ve had to bring up four girls all on my own. I had hoped they’d all be married off by now, but for some reason nobody seems to fancy them.

Oddjob It’s the mother in law they don’t fancy.

Hyacinth How do you fancy a clip round the earhole?

Rose Maybe one of the miller boys might fancy us, mum.

Poppy I have a thing for Tom.

Daisy I fancy Harry.

Rose And I love…

Hyacinth (interrupts)…Steady on! You can’t marry Tom, Harry or Dick!

Poppy Why not mum?

Hyacinth Because if their mill’s gone bust, then they’re just as poor us.

Daisy But that’s not fair, mum.

Hyacinth Sorry girls. No dough, no go.

Enter Ivy (SR)

Ivy Hello everybody!

All Girls Hello Ivy!

Hyacinth (to audience) This is Ivy. The only one of my daughters, not to have inherited my ravishing good looks.

Ivy Hello Oddjob. Fancy taking me dancing tonight?

Oddjob I’d love to Ivy, but I’ve got lots of odd jobs on. See ya! (exits at a run DSL)

Ivy (downbeat) Why do boys keep avoiding me? What’s wrong with me, mum?

Hyacinth Nothing that plastic surgery can’t put right, dear.

Ivy Maybe if I wore more makeup.

Hyacinth I never needed makeup to attract the boys.

Rose It probably hadn’t been invented then.

Hyacinth Cheek!

Ivy I could understand if I was ugly. But everybody says I look just like you, mum.

Hyacinth They ought to go to Specsavers. Anyway, don’t take any notice of what people say Ivy. Just remember the story about the Ugly Duckling.

Poppy What story’s that, mum?

Hyacinth Listen and I’ll tell you. Music cue 4: Hyacinth & Girls. After song ends…

Ivy Thanks mum. I feel much better now.

The mill door starts opening slowly.

Hyacinth Scram girls! I’ll deal with these two, myself.

Exit Girls (SR)

Hyacinth hides behind the door as it opens.

Harry (sticks his head out) It’s all clear, Dick.

Enter Dick and Harry from the mill.

Dick I thought the old battle axe would never leave.

Hyacinth (shuts the mill door behind them) Did you just call me a silly old battle axe?

Dick (terrified) N…n…no, Hyacinth!

Hyacinth Yes, you did! I heard you with my own two eyes.

Dick Who you gonna believe? Me, or your own two eyes?

Hyacinth (indicating the FOR SALE sign) And what’s the meaning of this?

Harry Can’t you read?

Hyacinth Of course I can read! Why are you selling the mill?

Dick Because we haven’t any flour, that’s why.

Hyacinth Not even for…(seductively)…special customers?

Harry Even if we did, you’re not one of them.

Hyacinth But I’m your biggest customer!

Dick (looking her over) We won’t argue with you there.

Hyacinth Anyway, you’ve no right selling the mill before the reading of your father’s will.

Harry As the eldest son, father’s bound to have left the mill to me.

Hyacinth I wouldn’t count your chickens, sunshine. Young Tom was the apple of your father’s eye. What if the mill’s been left to him and you’ve gone and sold it?

Dick We haven’t heard from Tom in years. And he’s not likely to turn up now, is he?

Enter Oddjob (SR) carrying a large mailbag.

Oddjob (to audience) What do I do? (response) Telegram for Dick and Harry!

Harry (takes telegram) I wonder who it’s from? (opens telegram and scans it)

Oddjob (delves into his mailbag and brings out three letters) I have three special delivery letters for you, Hyacinth.

Hyacinth (takes the letters) Ooooh! They must be replies to my lonely-hearts ad, from men all desperate to get their hands on me.

Oddjob Yes. The Electric man, the Gas man and the rent man.

Dick What does the telegram say, Harry?

Harry (reads) Dear Dick and Harry. On my way home for the reading of father’s will. Stop. Your brother Tom. Stop. P.S. I expect to be with you in ten minutes. Stop.

Dick (exclaims) Ten minutes!

Harry We’d better find father’s will quick, Dick! Come on!

Exit Dick and Harry into the mill.

Oddjob (takes another letter from his bag) There’s another letter for you Hyacinth.

Hyacinth (takes it) It’s from young Master Tom. (reads) Dear Aunt Hyacinth.

Oddjob Aunt Hyacinth? But you’re not his Aunt.

Hyacinth I know, but he always thought of me like a favourite Aunt. (reads) Dear Aunt Hyacinth, returning home to claim my inheritance, after which I intend to marry and settle down. P.S. Looking forward to seeing your beautiful daughters again. Love, Tom. Did you hear that? He’s going to claim his inheritance and marry one of my daughters!

Oddjob The letter didn’t say that.

Hyacinth No, but I can read between the lines. I’d better go and tell the girls to get their glad rags on. Toodle-doo! (exits at a run SL)

Enter Ivy (SR) she creeps up behind Oddjob.

Ivy Hello, Oddjob.

Oddjob (jumps) Ivy! Don’t creep up on people like that. (to audience) Ivy? Creep? Forget it.

Ivy Have you seen mum around anywhere, Oddjob?

Oddjob She was here just now. But then she got excited at the prospect of one of her daughters getting married and dashed off.

Ivy (grabbing him in a clinch) Oh, Oddjob! I thought you’d never ask!

Oddjob (penny drops) No, Ivy! You’ve got it all wrong!

Ivy The answer’s yes!

Oddjob What was the question?

Ivy Don’t play games with me, Oddjob.

Oddjob Is that the time? I’d better be going, or I’ll late for my next odd job. Bye! (exits DSL)

Ivy (downbeat) Just when I think I’m getting somewhere with Oddjob, he always finds an excuse to rush off. Maybe I’m destined never to find true love. Music cue 5: Ivy. After song ends…Exits (SR)

Music cue 6: Enter Demon (SL)

Demon My hyper-mill, was a masterstroke,

And now the millers have gone broke.

I’ll ensure they sell their mill to me,

Before young Tom returns from sea.

And Fairy Feline can sit and rot,

That’s what happens when I plot. (exits laughing)

Music cue 7:

Enter Fairy (SR)

Fairy That Demon makes me hopping mad,

He takes great pleasure in being bad.

But boys and girls please don’t despair,

Together we’ll defeat the wicked Voltaire. (exits)

Enter Dick and Harry from the mill, arguing.

Harry I thought you said you’d put the will in a safe place?

Dick I did put it in a safe place. I just can’t remember where.

Harry Well, they’re certainly safe from us. And now we won’t know who’s inherited what.

Dick What are we gonna do, Harry?

Harry We’re gonna sell this mill to the first person who wants it. (stands near the mill sails)

Dick But what if the mill is Tom’s inheritance?

Harry Oh, blow Tom’s inheritance!

Dick Righto. (blows on the mill’s sails)

SFX: The sails turn knocking Harry over.

Harry (scrambling to his feet) What did you do that for!

Dick You told me to!

Harry Oh no, I didn’t!

Dick Oh yes, you did!

Enter Demon unnoticed (SL) he creeps up behind them.

Demon Pardon me, gentlemen.

Dick and Harry stop arguing and turn.

HarryIf you’re after buying flour, we haven’t any.

Demon I don’t wish to buy any flour, but I would like to buy your mill.

Harry (delighted) And we’d like to sell it to you.

Demon I trust business is good.

Harry Couldn’t be better.

Dick Apart from having no flour.

Harry That’s because we’re always sold out. The flour market is on the rise.

Dick It must be a self-raising flour market.

Demon How much do you want for your mill?

Harry We won’t take a penny less than a thousand pounds.

Demon I’ll give you fifty.

Harry Done!

Demon (hands over 5x £10 notes) Here is your money.

Harry (takes money) Thank you! (aside to Dick) What a sucker.

Music cue 8: Enter two smart-suited Lawyers (USL)

Demon My lawyers will complete the legal formalities. Good day, gentlemen. (exits DSL)

Lawyer 1 This won’t take long, gents. That’s £10 surveyor’s fee. (takes £10 from Harry)

Lawyer 2 £10 for conveyancing. (takes £10)

Lawyer 1 £10 commission. (takes £10)

Lawyer 2 £10 legal fees. (takes £10)

Lawyer 1 £10 finder’s fee. (takes £10)

Lawyer 2 £10 for sundries.

Harry delves into his pocket and brings out another £10 note.

Harry (reluctantly handing it over) Here you are.

Lawyer 1 It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen.

Lawyer 2 Goodbye.

Exit Lawyers (DSL) Dick and Harry stare after them open-mouthed.

Dick (bemused) What happened just then?

Harry I’m not sure, but we’re £10 down on the deal.

Enter Tom (SR)

Tom Dick! Harry!

Harry Tom! It’s good to have you home again, isn’t it Dick?

Dick (unenthusiastic) Yes Harry. Terrific.

Tom Now, let’s go inside and read father’s will.

Harry I’m afraid we can’t find it, Tom.

Tom How come?

Dick I put it somewhere for safekeeping and can’t remember where.

Tom Then it’s a good job I had a copy made, just in case. (produces a scroll)

Harry (snatches it) As the eldest, I should read father’s will. (opens scroll and scans it)

Dick What does it say Harry?

Harry This is the last will…blah-blah-blah…sound mind…blah-blah-blah. Ah, here we are. To my three sons, Tom, Dick and Harry. I bequeath all my worldly goods. To my eldest son Harry, I leave the mill. See Dick, I told you it would be mine. To my middle son, Dick. I leave my entire collection of beer mats.

Dick (glum) I won’t be raising a drink to that.

Harry And to my youngest son Tom, I leave the mill’s cat.

Dick But the mill doesn’t even have a cat.

Enter Puss (USR) he sits at Tom’s feet and looks up at him.

Puss Meow!

Tom It does now. (patting Puss) Well Puss. It seems that you now belong to me.

Puss (nods and shows a golden coin on his collar) Meow!

Tom What’s this? (unclips coin) A golden Guinea! I’m sure I can make good use of this.

Enter Hyacinth and her four daughters at a run (SL)

Hyacinth Hurry girls! Master Tom will be here any second!

Poppy He’s already here, mum!

Hyacinth Welcome home, Master Tom! (hugs him)

Tom Aunt Hyacinth! It’s wonderful to see you again.

Daisy (to other girls) He’s certainly grown since he left, hasn’t he?

Rose I’ll let you know after we’re married.

Ivy Tom’s very nice-looking. But I’m only interested in Oddjob.

Harry So, Tom got the cat and a golden Guinea. Dick got father’s collection of beer mats. But what have I got?

Tom You’ve got the mill.

Harry Not anymore. I sold it.

Tom (shocked) You sold it?

Harry Yes, but I was swindled and ended up with nothing.

Tom You had no right to sell the mill, before the reading of father’s will.

Hyacinth There’s an old saying. Where’s there’s a will, there’s a corpse.

Harry Maybe if you’d stayed behind and helped us run the mill, Tom. Instead of swanning off to sea. We might not have found ourselves in this predicament. (to Dick) There’s nothing left for us here, Dick. Let’s go and find ourselves other jobs.

Dick What kind of jobs?

Harry Anything we can get.

Exit Dick and Harry (SR)

Tom This isn’t the kind of homecoming I’d hoped for, Aunt Hyacinth.

Hyacinth I know, Master Tom. But don’t let it spoil your wedding plans.

Tom (puzzled) Wedding plans? What wedding plans?

Hyacinth Your letter said you were planning to get married and settle down.

Tom At some point, Aunt Hyacinth. But only once I’ve found the right girl.

Hyacinth Line up girls! Quickly now! (they do so) Take your pick, Master Tom.

Tom Your daughters aren’t your property to give away, Hyacinth.

Hyacinth It was the girl’s idea.

Girls nod enthusiastically.

Tom (diplomatic) But they’re all so lovely I couldn’t possibly choose between them.

Hyacinth You could do dib-dib-dib.

Girls nod enthusiastically.

Tom I’m afraid I’m going to be far too busy to get married. I must find the scoundrel who swindled my brothers out of the mill and get it back.

Hyacinth There’s only one thing for it, girls.

Poppy What’s that, mum?

Hyacinth I’ll register all of you with that online dating agency. Desperates-R-Us.com. Let’s go.

Exit Hyacinth and Girls (DSL)

Tom and Puss go up to the mill door.

Tom Well Puss. I never thought I’d see the day the family mill was closed down.

Puss (sadly) Meow!

Tom When I think of all the happy times I’ve spent here. Music cue 9: Tom. After song ends…I’m determined to get the mill back Puss, whatever it takes.

Enter Royal Party (SR)

Princess (complaining) Why have we come back here again?

Queen I’m baking cakes for the royal garden party, and I’ve run out of flour.

Princess I’ll ask the miller boy for some. (to Tom) Excuse me.

Tom Yes, what can I do for…(turns and is immediately smitten)…you?

Princess (also smitten) I think you’ve just done it.

They hold hands and stare into each other’s eyes.

Tom My name’s Tom. What’s yours?

Princess I’m…

King (interrupting)…Remove your hands from the Princess, at once!

Tom (immediately lets go) Princess!?

Major Domo Those hands you’ve just soiled, belong to her royal highness Princess Pearl.

Princess He hasn’t soiled them, Major Domo. (smiles at Tom) Quite the opposite.

Tom What can I do for your majesties?

Queen One would like to purchase a sack of one’s finest flour, please.

Tom I’m sorry your majesty, but the mill’s closed down.

King Closed down?

Tom Yes, and it’s also been sold.

Princess You’ve sold the mill?

Tom Not me, my daft brothers.

Queen Then where is one to get one’s flour?

Tom I intend to get the mill back and re-open it, your majesty.

Princess That’s wonderful news, isn’t it mother?

Queen I can’t wait that long. I have cakes to bake.

King There’s always that new hyper-mill, dear.

Queen Of, course! (trying to drag Pearl away) Come along Pearl.

Princess (resists) How am I supposed to find Mr Right, if you never allow me talk to anybody?

King You can talk to anybody you like. Just so long as they’re rich and titled.

Queen A Marquis at the very least. (drags Pearl away)

King Take us to the hyper-mill Major Dome.

Major Domo This way, your majesties.

Exit Royal Party (USR)

Tom I’ve fallen in love with Princess Pearl. But to stand any chance of winning her hand, I must first make my fortune. I just wish I knew how. Let’s go Puss.

Exit Tom and Puss (USL)

Enter Demon (DSL)

Demon Young Master Tom has fallen in love, And wants the Princess for his turtle dove.But I will destroy all his hopes in life,And they’ll never become, husband and wife. (exits laughing)

Music cue 10: Enter Fairy (SR)

Fairy He really is a nasty fellow,His life must be so very shallow.But his evil plan won’t succeed, For love is a powerful thing indeed. (exits SR)