Puss In Boots

Scene One

The Mill On The Hill

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus line up at the mill door.

Music cue 2: Enter the Royal party (SR)

MAJOR D: Make way for the Royal party!

Royal Party make their way through and stand in front of the mill door.

KING: Greetings loyal objects!

The Chorus are plainly unimpressed.

QUEEN: The commoners don’t seem pleased to see us, Major Domo.

MAJOR D: I’m afraid the royal family aren’t as popular as they once were, your majesty.

KING: (to Queen) It’s time for a spot of royal hand waving, dear.

QUEEN: That always goes down well with our subjects, doesn’t it?

The King and Queen wave their hands about in the royal fashion.

CHORUS 1: Would you mind moving aside please? We’re waiting for the mill
to open.

MAJOR D: How dare you speak so to their royal personages!

CHORUS 2: We’re not interested in royalty, mate.

CHORUS 3: We’re only interested in buying our daily flour.

PRINCESS: (sighs) Do hurry up father, this is all so tiresome.

KING: Please, Pearl! Not in front of the common folk!

CHORUS 4: Who are you calling common, mush? (nosily wipes nose on sleeve)

QUEEN: (grimaces) Gross!

KING: Make the announcement please, Major Domo.

MAJOR D: Yes, your majesty. (bangs mace) Hear ye! Hear ye! The Royal Palace is holding a garden party, tomorrow afternoon, and everyone is invited to attend!

Chorus cheer and exit (SL) talking animatedly as they go.

QUEEN: That seems to have perked them up somewhat.

MAJOR D: Your subjects are a fickle lot your majesties. If they lose interest in royalty, you need only announce a royal event and their interest is re-kindled.

KING: It’s always worked for the Windsor’s.

PRINCESS: Can we go now? I’m bored.

KING & QUEEN: Bored!?

PRINCESS: Yes, bored. B.O.R.E.D, bored! If I were a Prince, I’d be off, slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress. Being a Princess, is dead boring.

KING & QUEEN: Oh no, it isn’t!

PRINCESS: Oh yes, it is!

QUEEN: I’ll bet the audience don’t think it’s boring being a Princess.

PRINCESS: And I’ll bet they do.

KING: We’ll ask them. And if you’re wrong, then you must agree a forfeit.

PRINCESS: What kind of a forfeit?

KING: You must find yourself someone suitable to marry, within the week.

PRINCESS: You can’t be serious, father.

KING: Deadly serious. At least being married might stop you getting bored.

QUEEN: (dryly) I wouldn’t bet on it.

PRINCESS: Then the forfeit should work both ways.

KING: But we’re already married.

QUEEN: To each other as it happens.

PRINCESS: If I win the bet, then you must allow me to marry whoever I wish.

KING & QUEEN: It’s a deal!

KING: And Major Domo will adjudicate.

MAJOR D: Yes, your majesty. (to audience) On the count of three, everybody who thinks it’s brilliant being a Princess, shout brilliant! And everybody who thinks it’s boring being a Princess, shout boring! One…two…three! Their majesties, win.

PRINCESS: (to audience) I think I’ve just been stitched up.

QUEEN: That’s settled, then. You must marry a Prince or a nobleman within the week.

PRINCESS: You’re not seriously going to hold me to that silly deal, are you?

KING: A deal is a deal, Pearl.

QUEEN: I’m famished! Let’s go and eat.

KING: Good idea. Come along Pearl.

PRINCESS: I’m suddenly not hungry. You go ahead and I’ll wait here until you return.

QUEEN: We can’t leave you here alone!

PRINCESS: Why not? There’s nobody around and I promise I won’t move.

KING: Very well then, we won’t be long.

QUEEN: Find us a Gregg’s, Major Domo.

MAJOR D: Yes, your majesty.

Exit King and Queen and Major Domo (SR)

PRINCESS: I can’t believe they expect me to find somebody to fall in love with and marry, within a week. It’s impossible! Music cue 3: Princess. After song ends…

Enter King, Queen and Major Domo (SR) The King is finishing off a pasty.

KING: That king-sized pasty was delicious.

QUEEN: As was their vegan sausage roll.

PRINCESS: Can we please go home now?

KING: Of course, dear. Lead on Major Domo.

Exit Royal Party (SR) led off by Major Domo.

Enter Poppy, Daisy and Rose (SL) they go up to the mill door.

POPPY: (sees a sign on the door that reads MILL CLOSED) The mill’s closed!

DAISY: The lazy millers must still be in bed.

ROSE: I’ll soon get them up. (knocks on door)

POPPY: It’s no use, they’re probably fast asleep.

DAISY: Why don’t we ask this lot…(audience)…to help us wake them?

ROSE: (to audience) Will you all help us wake the millers? On the count of three, everybody shout wakey-wakey! One…two…three! Wakey-wakey!

Enter Harry from the mill, scratching his head and yawning.

HARRY: Good morning girls, and what can I do for you?

POPPY: We’d like some flour please, Harry.

HARRY: I’m afraid we’re all out of flour.

DAISY: How come?

HARRY: A hyper-mill has opened nearby, forcing us small millers out of business.

Enter Dick (USR) carrying a FOR SALE sign over his shoulder.

DICK: Hiya girls! Have you come to buy flour for your mum?

ROSE: Yes, but Harry says you haven’t got any.

DICK: It’s true. The new hyper-mill has cornered the market.

HARRY: We can’t get hold of corn, for love nor money.

POPPY: What about oats?

DICK: We haven’t had any oats in months, have we Harry?

HARRY: You speak for yourself, Dick.

Dick lifts the sign off his shoulder and stands it up.

DAISY: Don’t tell me you’re selling off the mill!

DICK: Yep – lock stock and two empty barrels.

HYACINTH: (shouts off) Push harder, Oddjob!

ROSE: It’s mum!

HARRY: I don’t fancy facing Hyacinth, this early in the morning, Dick.

DICK: I never fancy facing her, anytime of the day.

HARRY: Let’s get outta here, quick!

DICK: Righto! (rushes inside the mill and slams the door leaving Harry outside)

HARRY: (hammering on door) Let me in!

DICK: Who is it?

HARRY: Harry!

DICK: Harry who?

HARRY: Harry up and open the door!

Dick opens door, pulls Harry inside and slams it shut again.

Enter Oddjob (SR) pushing on a cut-out taxi with Hyacinth onboard.

HYACINTH: Put your back into it, Oddjob!

ODDJOB: I’ll put my back out, in a minute. (gives a big push and taxi careers off SL)

HYACINTH: (off) Heeeelp!

ODDJOB: (peers in wing) That hill looks steep. I wonder if she’ll think to apply the brake.

SFX: Loud crashing sound.

ODDJOB: Nope.

GIRLS: (exclaim) Mum! (exit all at a run SL)

ODDJOB: Bang goes my no-claims bonus. (to audience) Hiya folks! My name’s Bob, but everybody calls me Oddjob, because of all the odd jobs I do. Last week I worked as a bank teller, until I lost interest. And before that I worked making potions for a wizard, but it was only for a short spell. I never know what job I’m going to do next. I know, whenever I come on and shout, hiya folks? You shout back, what’s your job Oddjob!? And I’ll tell you my latest job, okay? Let’s have a practice then. (shouts) Hiya folks! (response) It was taxi-driver, but that didn’t fare well. (laughs) Taxi? Fare? No tip?

Enter Hyacinth (SL) with a steering wheel around her neck and carrying a car battery in her hand and supported by her girls.

HYACINTH: Call yourself a taxi driver! I ought to sue you for whiplash!

ODDJOB: You should’ve applied your foot to the brake Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: I’ll apply my foot to your backside in a minute!

ODDJOB: Do that, and I’ll have up you for assault.

HYACINTH: Then you can add battery to the charge. (bashes him with the battery – to audience) Assault and battery? Get it? Oh, please yourselves.

ODDJOB: What about my taxi fare?

HYACINTH: Take a hike! I’ve had smoother rides on a three-legged donkey with a limp.

ODDJOB: It’s your fault my taxi broke down!

HYACINTH: How is it my fault?

ODDJOB: It’s not built for carrying that much weight.

HYACINTH: (snaps) How would you like carrying to the hospital!?

POPPY: What are you doing here anyway, mum?

HYACINTH: I came to see why it was taking you so long to fetch my flour, Poppy.

DAISY: We couldn’t get any mum.

HYACINTH: Don’t tell me they’ve stopped my tab, Daisy.

ROSE: No, mum. The mill’s closed.

HYACINTH: But it’s not even a bank holiday, Rose.

POPPY: They’ve closed it for good, mum. (indicating the FOR SALE sign) Look.

HYACINTH: But if they do that, then where can I get my flour?

DAISY: Asda?

HYACINTH: Don’t talk daft. They’ll never allow me a tab.

ROSE: Then what’ll you do, mum?

HYACINTH: I’ll appeal to the public at large.

ODDJOB: I think you’ll find you won’t, you know.

HYACINTH: (to audience) Hello public at large! Not to mention the extra-large.

POPPY: Extra-large?

HYACINTH: I said not to mention them. (to audience) Who would like to sign a petition to keep our mill open?

DAISY: People hate signing petitions, mum.

ODDJOB: It’s true. I once started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs. I didn’t get a single signature.

HYACINTH: I’ll forget it then. Most of them are probably illiterate anyway.

ODDJOB: Steady on Hyacinth – we have some VIP’s on the front row.

HYACINTH: What VIP’s?

ODDJOB: Very Irritable Pensioners. Also a group from the British Haemorrhoid Society.

HYACINTH: Where are they?

ODDJOB: (pointing) That’s them all stood up at the back.

HYACINTH: Any reason you’re still here Oddjob?

ODDJOB: I’m waiting for my taxi fare.

HYACINTH: You’ll have a long wait. I’m just a poor widow…(elicit sympathy)…with no means of support. My late husband didn’t leave me much after he died. Although he left me plenty of times when he was alive. And I’ve had to bring up four girls all on my own. I had hoped they’d all be married off by now, but for some reason nobody seems to fancy them.

ODDJOB: It’s the mother in law they don’t fancy.

HYACINTH: How do you fancy a clip round the earhole?

ROSE: Maybe one of the miller boys might fancy us, mum.

POPPY: I have a thing for Tom.

DAISY: I fancy Harry.

ROSE: And I love…

HYACINTH: (interrupts) Woah there! You can’t marry Tom, Harry or Dick!

POPPY: Why not mum?

HYACINTH: Because if their mill’s gone bust, then they’re just as poor us.

DAISY: But that’s not fair, mum.

HYACINTH: Sorry girls. No dough, no go.

Enter Ivy (SR)

IVY: Hello everybody.

HYACINTH: (to audience) This is Ivy. The only one of my daughters, not to have inherited my ravishing, good looks.

IVY: Hello Oddjob. Fancy taking me clubbing tonight?

ODDJOB: Sorry Ivy, but I’ve got lots of odd jobs on. See ya! (exits at a run DSL)

IVY: (downbeat) Why do boys keep avoiding me mum? What’s wrong with me?

HYACINTH: Nothing that plastic surgery can’t put right, dear.

IVY: Maybe if I wore more makeup.

HYACINTH: I never needed makeup to attract the boys.

ROSE: (aside to audience) It probably hadn’t been invented then.

IVY: I could understand if I was ugly. But everybody says I look just like you, mum.

HYACINTH: They all ought to go to Specsavers.

The mill door starts opening slowly.

POPPY: I think Dick and Harry are coming out again, mum.

HYACINTH: Scram girls! I’ll deal with these two, myself.

Exit Girls (SR)

Hyacinth hides behind door as it opens.

HARRY: (sticks his head out) It’s all clear, Dick.

Enter Dick and Harry from the mill.

DICK: I thought the old battle axe would never leave.

HYACINTH: Did you just call me a silly old battle axe!?

DICK: (startled) No, Hyacinth!

HYACINTH: Yes, you did! I heard you with my own two eyes.

DICK: Then your eyes need hearing-aids.

HYACINTH: (indicating the FOR SALE sign) And what’s the meaning of this?

HARRY: Can’t you read?

HYACINTH: Of course I can read! Why are you selling the mill?

DICK: Because we haven’t any flour left, that’s why.

HYACINTH: Not even for…(seductively)…select customers?

HARRY: Even if we did, you’re not one of them.

HYACINTH: But I’m your biggest customer!

DICK: (looking her over) We won’t argue with you there.

HYACINTH: Anyway, you’ve no right selling the mill before the reading of your father’s will.

HARRY: As the eldest son, father’s bound to leave the mill to me.

HYACINTH: I wouldn’t count your chickens. Young Tom was the apple of your father’s eye. What if the mill’s been left to him and you’ve gone and sold it?

DICK: We haven’t heard from Tom in years, and he’s unlikely to turn up now.

Enter Oddjob (SR) carrying a large mailbag.

ODDJOB: (to audience) Hiya folks! I’m working as a postie – it’s all right but nothing to write home about. (laughs)

HYACINTH: I think you’re delivery needs improving.

ODDJOB: Telegram for Dick and Harry!

HARRY: I wonder who it’s from? (opens telegram and scans it)

ODDJOB: (brings out three letters) I’ve three special delivery letters for you, Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: They’re probably replies to my lonely-hearts ad, from men all desperate to get hold of me. (takes letters) I was right. Electric man, Gas man and rent man.

DICK: What does the telegram say, Harry?

HARRY: (reads) It’s from Tom! Dear Dick and Harry. I’m coming home for the reading of father’s will and expect to be with you sometime today.

DICK: (exclaims) He’s coming home today, Harry!

HARRY: We’d better find father’s will quick, Dick! Come on!

Exit Dick and Harry into the mill.

ODDJOB: (produces another letter) There’s another letter for you Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: (reads) It’s also from young Master Tom. Dear Auntie Hyacinth.

ODDJOB: You’re not his auntie!

HYACINTH: No, but he always thought of me as favourite Auntie. (reads) Returning home to claim my inheritance, after which I intend to marry and settle down. Love Tom. P.S. Looking forward to meeting your beautiful daughters again. Did you hear that? He’s going to claim his inheritance and marry one of my daughters!

ODDJOB: The letter didn’t say that.

HYACINTH: A woman can read between the lines Oddjob. I’d better go and tell the girls to get their glad rags on. Toodle-doo! (exits at a run SL)

Enter Ivy (SR) she creeps up behind Oddjob.

IVY: Hello, Oddjob.

ODDJOB: Ivy! You shouldn’t go creeping up on people like that. (to audience) Creeping? Ivy?

IVY: Have you seen mum around anywhere, Oddjob?

ODDJOB: She was here just now. But then she got excited at the prospect of one of her daughters getting married and dashed off.

IVY: (grabbing him in a clinch) Oh, Oddjob! I thought you’d never ask!

ODDJOB: (startled) Eh!?

IVY: The answer’s yes!

ODDJOB: What was the question?

IVY: Stop playing games, Oddjob.

ODDJOB: Is that the time? I’d better go, or I’ll late for my next job. Bye Ivy! (exits DSL)

IVY: (downbeat) Whenever I think I’m getting somewhere with Oddjob, he always finds an excuse to rush off. Maybe I’m destined never to find true love. Exits sadly (SR)

Music cue 4: Enter Demon (SL)

DEMON: My hyper-mill, was a masterstroke,

And now the millers have gone broke.

I’ll ensure they sell their mill to me,

Before young Tom returns from sea.

And Fairy Feline can sit and rot,

That’s what happens when I plot. (exits laughing)

Music cue 5: Enter Fairy (SR)

FAIRY: That Demon makes me hopping mad,

She takes great pleasure in being bad.

But my clever plan will work a treat,

And Demon Davina will taste defeat. (exits)

Enter Dick and Harry from the mill, arguing.

HARRY: I thought you’d put the will in a safe place, Dick?

DICK: I did! It’s that safe even I don’t know where it is.

HARRY: Now nobody will know who’s inherited what.

DICK: What are we gonna do, Harry?

HARRY: We’re gonna sell the mill to the first person who wants it. (stands near sails)

DICK: But what if the mill’s Tom’s inheritance?

HARRY: Blow Tom’s inheritance!

DICK: Righto. (blows on the mill’s sails)

SFX: The sails turn knocking Harry over.

HARRY: (scrambling to his feet) What did you do that for!

DICK: You told me to!

HARRY: Oh no, I didn’t!

DICK: Oh yes, you did!

Enter Demon unnoticed (SL)

DEMON: Good morning, gentlemen.

HARRY: If you’re after buying flour, we haven’t any.

DEMON: I don’t wish to buy any flour, but I would like to buy your mill.

HARRY: (delighted) And we’d like to sell it to you!

DEMON: I trust business is good.

HARRY: Couldn’t be better.

DICK: Apart from having no flour.

HARRY: That’s because we’re always sold out. The flour market is on the rise.

DICK: It must be a self-raising, flour market.

DEMON: How much do you want for your mill?

HARRY: We won’t take a penny less than a thousand pounds.

DEMON: I’ll give you fifty pounds.

HARRY: Done!

DEMON: (hands over 5x £10 notes) Here is your money.

HARRY: (takes money) Thank you! (aside to Dick) What a sucker.

Music cue 6: Enter Oddjob wearing a smart suit (SL)

ODDJOB: Hiya folks! I’m working as a lawyer. When they invited me to join the bar, I assumed it was in a pub. (laughs)

DEMON: My lawyer will complete the legal formalities. Good day, gentlemen. (exits SL)

ODDJOB: Right, gents. That’s £10 surveyor’s fee. (takes £10 from Harry) Plus £10 for conveyancing. (takes £10) Plus £10 commission. (takes £10) Plus £10 legal fees. (takes £10) Plus £10 finder’s fee. (takes £10) Plus £10 for sundries.#

Harry delves into his pocket and brings out another £10 note.

HARRY: (reluctantly handing it over) Here you are.

ODDJOB: It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, gents. Goodbye! (exits SL)

Dick and Harry stare after Oddjob open-mouthed.

DICK: (bemused) What happened just then?

HARRY: I’m not sure, but we’re £10 down on the deal.

Enter Tom (SR)

TOM: Dick! Harry!

DICK: Tom! It’s good to have you home again, isn’t it Harry?

HARRY: (unenthusiastic) Yes Dick – triffic.

TOM: Now, let’s go inside and read father’s will.

HARRY: I’m afraid we couldn’t find it, Tom.

TOM: How come?

DICK: I put it somewhere for safekeeping and can’t remember where.

TOM: Then it’s a good job I had a copy made, just in case. (produces a copy)

HARRY: As the eldest, I should read father’s will. (takes copy and scans it)

DICK: What does it say Harry?

HARRY: This is the last will…blah-blah…sound mind…blah-blah. Ah, here we are. To my three sons, Tom, Dick and Harry. I bequeath all my worldly goods. To my eldest son Harry, I leave the mill. See Dick, I told you it would be mine. To my middle son, Dick. I leave my collection of old beer mats.

DICK: (glum) Cheers dad.

HARRY: And to my youngest son Tom, I leave the mill’s cat.

DICK: But the mill doesn’t even have a cat.

Enter Puss (USR) he sits at Tom’s feet and looks up at him.

PUSS: Meow!

TOM: It does now. (patting Puss) Well Puss, it seems that you belong to me.

PUSS: (nods and shows a golden coin on his collar) Meow!

TOM: What’s this? (takes coin) A golden Guinea! I can make good use of this.

Enter Hyacinth and her four daughters at a run (SL)

HYACINTH: Hurry girls! Master Tom will be here any second!

POPPY: He’s already here, mum!

HYACINTH: Welcome home, Master Tom!

TOM: Auntie Hyacinth! It’s wonderful to see you again.

DAISY: (to other girls) He’s grown a bit since he left, hasn’t he?

ROSE: I’ll let you know after we’re married.

IVY: Tom’s nice, but I’m only interested in Oddjob.

HARRY: Tom got the cat and a golden Guinea, and Dick got father’s collection of beer mats. But what have I got?

TOM: You’ve got the mill, Harry.

HARRY: Not anymore – I sold it.

TOM: (shocked) You sold it?

HARRY: Yes, but I was swindled and ended up with nothing.

TOM: You had no right to sell the mill, before the reading of father’s will.

HYACINTH: There’s an old saying. Where’s there’s a will, there’s a corpse.

HARRY: There’s nothing left for us here, Dick. Let’s go and find ourselves other jobs.

DICK: What kind of jobs?

HARRY: Anything we can get.

Exit Dick and Harry (SR)

TOM: This certainly isn’t the kind of homecoming I’d hoped for.

HYACINTH: I know, Master Tom. But don’t let it spoil your wedding plans.

TOM: (puzzled) What wedding plans?

HYACINTH: Your letter said you were planning to get married and settle down.

TOM: Yes Hyacinth, but only once I’ve found the right girl.

HYACINTH: Line up girls! (they do so) Take your pick, Master Tom.

TOM: Your daughters aren’t property to be given away, Hyacinth!

HYACINTH: They’re happy to be given away. Aren’t you girls?

Girls nod enthusiastically.

TOM: (diplomatic) They’re all so lovely, I couldn’t possibly choose between them.

HYACINTH: You could always do, dib-dib-dib.

TOM: I’m afraid I’m going to be too busy to get married, Hyacinth.

HYACINTH: Busy doing what?

TOM: Finding the scoundrel who swindled my brothers out of the mill and get it back.

HYACINTH: Come along, girls.

POPPY: Where are we going, mum?

HYACINTH: I’m registering you all with an online dating agency. Desperates-R-Us.com.

Exit Hyacinth and Girls (SL)

TOM: Well Puss. I never thought I’d see the day the family mill was closed down.

PUSS: (sadly) Meow!

TOM: When I think of all the happy times I’ve spent here. I’m determined to get the mill back Puss, whatever it takes. (punches his hand into his fist)

Enter Royal Party (SR)

PRINCESS: (complaining) Why have we come back here again?

QUEEN: I’m baking tarts for the royal garden party, and I’ve run out of flour.

PRINCESS: I’ll ask the miller boy for some. (to Tom) Excuse me.

TOM: Yes, what can I do for…(turns and is immediately smitten)…you?

PRINCESS: (also smitten) I think you’ve just done it.

They hold hands and stare into each other’s eyes.

TOM: My name’s Tom – what’s yours?

PRINCESS: I’m…

KING: Remove your hands from the Princess, at once!

TOM: (immediately lets go) Princess!?

MAJOR D: Those hands you’ve just soiled, belong to her royal highness Princess Pearl.

PRINCESS: He hasn’t soiled them, Major Domo. (smiles at Tom) Quite the opposite.

TOM: What can I do for your majesties?

QUEEN: One would like to purchase one sack of one’s finest flour, please.

TOM: I’m sorry your majesty, but the mill’s closed down.

KING: Closed down?

TOM: Yes, and it’s been sold.

PRINCESS: You’ve sold the mill?

TOM: Not me, my idiot brothers.

QUEEN: Then where is one to get one’s flour?

TOM: I intend to get the mill back and re-open it, your majesty.

PRINCESS: That’s wonderful news, isn’t it mother?

QUEEN: I can’t wait that long to get my flour!

KING: There’s always that new hyper-mill, dear.

QUEEN: Of, course! (trying to drag Pearl away) Come along Pearl.

PRINCESS: How am I supposed to find Mr Right, if you never allow me speak to anyone?

KING: You can speak to anybody you like, Pearl.

PRINCESS: Really!?

QUEEN: Of course!

KING: Just so long as they’re rich and titled.

QUEEN: A Marquis at the very least. (drags Pearl away)

KING: Take us to the hyper-mill Major Domo.

MAJOR D: This way, your majesties.

Exit Royal Party (USR)

TOM: I think I’ve fallen in love with Princess Pearl, Puss.

PUSS: (knowingly) Me-ow!

TOM: But I’ll never win her hand unless I make my fortune. Which isn’t very likely.

PUSS: (upbeat) Meow!

TOM: You’re right Puss, I mustn’t give up hope. Stanger things have happened at sea. And I know, believe me. Come along Puss, it’s time to get back our mill.

Exit Tom and Puss (USL)

Enter Demon (DSL)

DEMON: Young Master Tom has fallen in love,

And wants the Princess for his turtle dove.

But I’ll dash his hopes and bring him despair,

And they will never become a pair. (exits laughing)

Music cue 7: Enter Fairy (SR)

FAIRY: He really is a nasty fellow,

His life must be so very shallow.

But his evil plan won’t succeed,

For love is a powerful thing indeed. (exits SR)