SCENE ONE
A STREET IN OLD BRISTOL
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Stella Sparrow [SL] pushing on a cart loaded with fish.
STELLA: [sings] #Freeesh, fiiiish! Caught in the ocean this mooorniiing#
CHORUS 1: Your fish are about as fresh as the jokes in this panto. [laughs]
STELLA: That’s still fresher than your breath. Now, who fancies a nice plaice?
CHORUS 3: I do, mine’s a rat-infested hovel!
STELLA: I meant plaice as in flatfish!
CHORUS 4: I didn’t know fish lived in flats. [laughs]
CHORUS 5: Have you got any high-rise haddock? [laughs]
CHORUS 6: Or bungalow bass? [laughs]
STELLA: If you’re fishing for laughs, you’ll need better jokes than that.
CHORUS 7: And if you’re fishing for customers, you’ll need fresher produce than that!
Exit Chorus laughing [SL]
STELLA: Rabble! [to audience] Hello, everybody! I’m Stella Sparrow, purveyor of prime piscatorial produce. That’s seafood to you and me. But it’s a hard life pushing a heavy fish-barrow around the streets of Bristol. [elicit sympathy] I’ve got two sons who should be helping me, but one’s always at sea, and the other’s always in dreamland. [looks SL] Oh, look, I’ve dropped an eel. I’d better pick it up before somebody slips on it and sues me using Claims Direct. [exits SL]
Music cue 2: Enter Zac Sparrow [SR]
ZAC: Ahoy, shipmates! I’m Captain Zac Sparrow! Adventurer, buccaneer, and handsome swashbuckling hero of this here panto! [slaps thigh] I’ve just returned from my latest adventure and already I’m pining for the sea. So, to make me feel more at home, every time I come on, and shout ‘Ahoy, shipmates!’ I want you all to shout back, ‘ahoy Captain!’ Okay? Let’s have a practice, shall we? Ahoy, shipmates! I’m sure you can do better than that. Ahoy, shipmates! [slaps thigh] Hurrah! That was much better.
Enter Stella [SL] holding an eel and singing.
STELLA: [to tune of Amore] #When I swim in the sea and an eel kisses me, that’s a moray# [laughs] Eel? Moray? Get it? Obviously not. [puts it on cart]
ZAC: Hello, Mum!
STELLA: Zac, you’re back!
ZAC: Yes, Mum, I’ve just dropped anchor.
STELLA: Where did you drop it?
ZAC: In the sea!
STELLA: That’s lost, then. Have you been off swashing your buckle again?
ZAC: Yes, Mum, I’m a swashbuckling adventurer, just like dad was.
STELLA: And look how he ended up.
ZAC: Was it really a giant octopus that killed him, Mum?
STELLA: Yes, son. It grabbed him by the tentacles and pulled him watery-eyed to a watery-grave.
ZAC: How’s the fish business these days, Mum?
STELLA: It’s flatter than a flatfish, son. I can’t even sell skate at 50p a kilo.
ZAC: How come you’re selling skate at 50p a kilo?
STELLA: It’s cheap skate. [laughs to audience] Cheapskate? Please yourselves. I’m stony broke, son.
ZAC: Your money worries will soon be over, Mum.
STELLA: Don’t tell me you’ve won the lottery, Zac!
ZAC: No, Mum, but I might soon end up richer than a lottery winner. [produces a map] Have a look at this.
STELLA: What is it?
ZAC: It’s a treasure map.
STELLA: Where did you get it?
ZAC: I pinched it off Spongebag Roundpants.
STELLA: Spongebag Roundpants! The meanest, rottenest pirate that’s ever lived?
ZAC: The very same. I sank his ship yesterday and took it from him, and it shows the whereabouts of buried treasure. We just have to dig it up, and we’ll be millionaires. [slaps thigh] Hurrah!
STELLA: Are you mad, Zac? Spongebag will come after you with his band of cut-throats and won’t rest until he gets his map back! We’d better move right away. They say South America’s quite nice.
ZAC: You needn’t worry about Spongebag, Mum, his ship sank with all hands.
STELLA: That’s a relief. So, whereabouts is this buried treasure, Zac?
ZAC: On an island in the Caribbean.
STELLA: The Caribbean! That’s abroad, isn’t it?
ZAC: Yes, Mum.
Enter Squire Flinders [SL] groping his way around stage. He bumps into Stella and accidentally feels her bosom before looking closely and realising his mistake.
SQUIRE: Aaaah! [jumps back]
STELLA: Oooh! Squire Flinders! I never realised you felt that way about me.
SQUIRE: I don’t, Stella, it was a complete accident!
STELLA: That’s what they all say.
SQUIRE: I’ve lost my glasses, you see.
STELLA: That explains why you’re making a spectacle of yourself.
SQUIRE: I’m blind as a bat without me specs.
STELLA: Well, you’re certainly batty.
ZAC: Where did you lose your glasses, Squire?
SQUIRE: In my kitchen.
STELLA: Then why are you searching for them outside?
SQUIRE: There’s more light out here.
Enter Polly [SL] with the Squire’s spectacles.
POLLY: I found your glasses, Father!
SQUIRE: Well done, Polly. [takes specs and puts them on]
POLLY: Zac! When did you get back?
ZAC: Just now, Polly, but I’ll be off to sea again soon.
POLLY: Can’t you stay for a bit, Zac?
ZAC: I’d love to, Polly, but I have to go and dig up some buried treasure.
SQUIRE: Buried treasure!?
ZAC: That’s right, Squire. [shows map] Look at this treasure map I took from Spongebag Roundpants, just before I sank his ship.
