Pirates Of The Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

A Street In Old Bristol

A street scene of half-timbered houses and shops, plus a pub called ‘The Jolly Roger’. Music cue 2: Townsfolk.  After song ends…

SFX: Horn sounds.

Stella

(off) Freeesh, fiiiish!

Stella enters (SL) pushing a cart with baskets of fish and honking a horn. The cart has ‘Sparrow and Sons – Fishmongers’ painted on the side

Stella

(sings) Freeesh, fiiiish! Caught in the sea this mooorniiing! (operates the horn)

Chorus 1

(holding her nose) Peugh! Your fish is about as fresh as the jokes in this panto!

Stella

Rubbish! You can’t get fresher produce than mine! Now who fancies a nice plaice?

Chorus 2

Me! (to the others) My place is a rat-infested slum.

Stella

No! I meant ‘plaice’ as in flatfish!

Chorus 3

I didn’t know fish lived in flats.

Chorus 4

Have you got a high-rise haddock?

Chorus 5

Or a bungalow bass?

Chorus laugh.

Stella

Ha-ha! Very funny! Now clear off, before I batter the lot of you! (chases them off – turns to audience) Well, hello there! (audience respond) Look we don’t do refunds, so you might as well enjoy yourselves. I said, ‘hello there!’ (audience respond) That’s better! I’m Stella Sparrow, purveyor of prime, piscatonal produce. That’s seafood to you lot. Anybody fancy a winkle? Well if you do, it’s down the corridor and first on the right. (laughs) Only joking. Oh, but it’s a hard life pushing this heavy barrow around the streets of Bristol all day. (elicit sympathy) I tried claiming working tax credits, but they refused me. They said I had two strapping sons to help me. That’s a laugh. One’s never at home and the other one never leaves the house.

Music cue 3: Zac Sparrow enters (SR) and walks straight downstage to speak to the audience and doesn’t notice Stella.

Zac

(to audience) Ahoy shipmates! I’m Zac Sparrow! Adventurer, buccaneer and handsome swashbuckling hero! Hurrah! Let me hear you say ‘hurrah’! (audience respond) That’s better. Now make sure you do that every time I do. I’ve just returned from my latest swashbuckling adventure and already I’m pining for the sea. So to make me feel more at home, every time I come on I’ll shout ‘ahoy shipmates’ and you all shout back ‘ahoy Captain Sparrow’! Okay? (audience respond) Great! Now let’s check out your sea lungs. Ahoy shipmates! (audience respond) Let’s do it again. And this time get some wind in your sails. (repeat until happy) That’s better.

Stella

(to Zac) When you’ve quite finished!

Zac

(turns) Hello mum! I didn’t notice you there.

Stella

You’re just like your father. He never noticed me either. Although he always noticed the barmaids at the Jolly Roger. Anyway, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a month of sunbeds.

Zac
I’ve been to sea mum. But now I’ve dropped anchor.

Stella

Well you ought to be a bit more careful, in future. So where did you drop it?

Zac

(nonplussed) In the sea of course!

Stella

That’s lost then. ‘Ere, you haven’t been off pirating again have you?

Zac

Of course I have, mum. After all I am a swashbuckling pirate, just like dad was. (slaps thigh) Hurrah! (leads audience in the shout)

Stella

Yes, and look how he ended up.

Zac

Was it really a giant octopus that killed him mum?

Stella

(sadly) Yes son. It grabbed him by the tentacles and pulled him watery-eyed to a watery grave. (dabs her eyes)

Zac

So, what have you been up to while I’ve been away?

Stella

Oh, nothing much. Just working my fingers to the bone trying to keep a roof over our heads, while your brother sleeps all day and you cruise the seven seas playing at pirates. But business is flatter than an X-factor audition. I couldn’t even offload skate at 10p a pound.

Zac

(shocked) You’re selling skate at ten pence a pound!

Stella

Yes, it’s cheapskate! (to audience) ‘Cheap’-skate? (laughs) Oh, please yourselves. (to Zac) I’m stony broke son.

Zac

Don’t worry mum, your money worries will soon be over.

Stella

Have they allowed me working tax credits after all, then?

Zac

No mum. (takes out a map) Take a look at this.

Stella

What is it?

Zac

It’s Captain Spongebag Roundpant’s treasure map. I sank his ship yesterday and pinched it from him.

Stella

Spongebag Roundpants! The nastiest, meanest pirate that’s ever lived?

Zac

The very same. The map shows the whereabouts of buried treasure. I just have to find it and dig it up, and we’ll be rich as kings. Hurrah!

Stella

Are you mad, Zac? Spongebag will come after you with his band of cut-throats, and won’t rest until he gets his map back! We’d better move right away. They say South America’s nice this time of year.

Zac

You don’t have to worry about Spongebag, mum. His ship sank with all hands.

Stella

Oh, well that’s all right then. So where’s this gold buried then?

Zac

On an island in the Caribbean.

Stella

The Caribbean! That’s abroad isn’t it?

Zac

Yes, mum.

Stella

And how are we going to get there?

Zac

By ship of course.

Stella

I can’t go sailing the high seas. I suffer from terrible sea-sickness.

Zac

What are you talking about, mum? You’ve never been to sea in your life.

Stella

No, but I once tried sleeping on a water-bed and that was bad enough.

Music cue 4: Squire Flinders enters (SL) groping his way around stage. He bumps into Stella and accidently feels her bosom, before looking closely and suddenly realising.

Squire

Aaargh! (quickly moves away)

Stella

Oooh! Squire Flinders! I never realised you felt that way about me.

Squire

I don’t! It was a complete accident! I’ve lost my glasses you see.

Stella

That explains why you were making a spectacle of yourself.

Squire

I’m blind as a bat without me specs.

Stella

Well you’re certainly ‘batty’.

Zac

Where did you lose your glasses, Squire?

Squire

In my kitchen.

Stella

Then why are you looking for them in the street?

Squire

Because there’s more light out here.

Molly, enters (SL) with the Squire’s spectacles

Molly  
I’ve found them father! (holding out the spectacles) Here they are.

Squire

Well done Molly. (take the specs and puts them on)

Molly

(spots Zac – excited) Zac! When did you get back?

Zac

This morning, Molly. But I’m off to sea again first thing tomorrow.

Molly

Can’t you stay awhile? We hardly get to see each other these days.

Zac

Sorry Molly, but I have to go and dig up some buried treasure.

Squire

Treasure?

Zac

Yes. (shows her the map) Look at this. I took this treasure map from Spongebag Roundpants, just before I sank his ship.

Molly

But won’t Spongebag and his crew come after you?

Zac

No, Molly. Him and his crew went down with the ship. (leads audience) Hurrah!

SFX: Receiving text message ringtone (use a sea shanty or something comical)

Zac

That’s me. (takes out a mobile and checks it) Well shiver me gangplank!

Molly

What is it Zac?

Zac

It’s a text message from Spongebag!

Stella

(exclaims) A message, from the other side!

Squire

What does it say?

Zac

(reading) ‘You sent my ship to the bottom of the sea,
But you’ll never get the better of me.
I’m coming to get my treasure map back,
And you Zac Sparrow, will get your whack’.

Stella

Oh, no! He’s returned from his watery grave to slit our lizards!

Zac

It’s ‘gizzards’ mum.

Stella

Well whatever they’re called, I don’t want them slitting by some slimy sea zombie!

Squire

Spongebag obviously survived the sinking and managed to get ashore somehow.

Molly

How come he has your number, Zac?

Zac

This is his mobile. I snatched it from his clammy hand as he was about to go down for the fourth time.

Squire

I thought drowning people only went down three times.

Zac

Pirates are made of sterner stuff, Squire. Spongebag’s bound to turn up sooner or later, so we’ll all have to keep an eye out for him.

Stella

But how will we recognise him?

Zac

He carries a parrot on his shoulder and he’s got a wooden leg.

Stella

That’s easy then. There can’t be many parrots with a wooden leg.

Zac

(correcting her) Spongebag’s got a wooden leg, mum.

Stella

Easier still. A parrot and a pirate, both with wooden legs.

Squire

(to Zac) So when are you planning to set off in search of the gold, Zac?

Zac

Well now that Spongebag’s alive, I’ll be leaving right away.

Molly

Then I’m coming with you.

Squire

But you’ve never sailed before, Molly.

Molly

Don’t worry father. I’m sure Zac will teach me the ropes.

Squire

That’s what I’m afraid of. In that case, I’m coming too.

Stella

Do you think this Spongebag might grab hold of me too?

Squire

Only if he gets desperate. (to Molly) Come along Molly, we’ll go and pack.

Molly

Okay father. (to Zac) We’ll meet you at Bristol docks, Zac.

Molly and Squire exit (SL)

Stella

I’d better go and wake Bobby. He’ll have to come too.

Zac

Okay mum. I’ll just go and make sure my ship’s all ready to sail. (exits SR)

Stella

(to audience) Knowing Bobby, he’s probably still in bed. That boy’s so lazy he barely leaves the house. (to audience) I sometimes think he’s turning into a house Sparrow. (laughs and exits USL)

Music cue 5: Bobby Sparrow enters (DSL) yawning and scratching his head.

Bobby

(to audience) Has anybody seen my mum, Stella Sparrow? (audience respond) Only she didn’t bring my breakfast in bed this morning. I’m Bobby Sparrow by the way. Brother of Captain, Zac Sparrow. I’m not as brave and clever as my brother Zac though, which is why I don’t get out much. It’s not easy having a swashbuckling hero for a brother, you know.  Everybody judges me by his high standards, and think that I’m just a thick coward. Whenever I try talking to anyone, they act like they can’t hear me and it’s really knocked my confidence. (elicit sympathy) Maybe you could help me. Whenever I come on and shout ‘can you hear me matey’s’? I’d like you all to shout back, ‘yes Bobby’ and it’ll boost my confidence again. Will you do that boys and girls? (audience respond) Great! Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Can you hear me matey’s? (audience respond) I’m not sure you can you know. Let’s try it again. (repeat business until happy) Now don’t forget, will you?

Stella runs on (USL)

Stella

(to Bobby) There you are, Bobby! Where’ve you been?

Bobby  
Looking for you to see what happened to breakfast.

Stella

Never mind your flaming breakfast! Your brother Zac’s about to set sail in search of buried treasure, and we’re all going with him.

Bobby

Sounds a bit dangerous to me.

Stella

How do you mean?

Bobby

Well if the treasure’s buried, then somebody doesn’t want anybody to find it. And if anybody does find it, then the somebody that buried it might turn the somebody that finds it into some ‘dead’ body.

Stella

You’re not frightened of the sea, are you?

Bobby

‘Course not, mum! I just don’t think I’ve got what it takes to be a sailor, that’s all.

Stella

Give over. How hard can it be to sing rude songs and drink ale ’til you fall over?

Squire and Molly enter (SR)

Squire

Here we are then, all packed and ready to go.

Molly

I only hope we don’t get caught by nasty pirates.

Bobby

(false bravery) Huh! Pirates don’t scare me.

Molly

How come, Bobby?

Bobby

I’ve done some boxing. (shadow-boxes) After my last fight they gave me a big cup.

Stella

Only to keep your teeth in.

Squire

We must hurry to the docks if we’re going to catch the high tide.

Stella

I hope it isn’t too high. I don’t like it going above my knees when I’m having a paddle.

Bobby

Should I bring me bucket and spade, mum?

Stella
Don’t be ridiculous, Bobby. Bristol Docks doesn’t have a beach.

Molly

I’ve heard that all Caribbean islands have soft, sun-kissed beaches.

Stella

Ooohh! I’ve always dreamed of going a Caribbean holiday.

Bobby

Me too.

Stella

Since when?

Bobby

Since you mentioned it, just now.

Music cue 6: Ensemble. After song ends…

Squire

Let’s go then.

All exit (SR)