Pirates Of The Panto

SCENE ONE

A STREET IN OLD BRISTOL

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Stella Sparrow [SL] pushing on a cart loaded with fish.

STELLA: [sings] Freeesh, fiiiish! Caught in the ocean this mooorniiing!

CHORUS 1: [in Stella’s face] Your fish is about as fresh as the jokes in this panto.

STELLA: [wafting] That still makes them fresher than your breath. Now, who fancies a nice plaice?

CHORUS 3: Me! Mine’s a rat-infested hovel!

STELLA: I meant plaice, as in flatfish!

CHORUS 4: I didn’t know fish lived in flats.

CHORUS 5: Have you got any high-rise haddock?

CHORUS 6: Or bungalow bass?

STELLA: If you’re fishing for laughs, you’ll need better jokes than that.

CHORUS 7: And if you’re fishing for customers, you’ll need better produce than that.

Exit Chorus laughing [SL]

STELLA: Rabble! [to audience] Hello everybody! I’m Stella Sparrow, purveyor of prime, piscatorial produce. That’s seafood to you and me. Does anybody fancy a winkle? If so, it’s down the corridor and first on the right. [laughs] Only joking. Oh, but it’s a hard life pushing a heavy barrow around the streets of Bristol. [elicit sympathy] I have two sons who should be helping me, but one’s never home and the other one never leaves home. [looks SL] Oh, I think I’ve dropped an eel. I’d better pick it up, before somebody slips on it and rings Claims Direct. [exits SL]

Music cue 2: Enter Zac Sparrow [SR]

ZAC: Ahoy shipmates! I’m Captain Zac Sparrow! Adventurer, buccaneer, and handsome swashbuckling hero of this here panto! [slaps thigh] I’ve just returned from my latest adventure and already I’m pining for the sea. So, to make me feel more at home, every time I come on and shout ahoy shipmates! I want you all to shout back, ahoy Captain! Okay? Let’s have a practice then. Ahoy shipmates! [response – slaps thigh] Hurrah!

Enter Stella [SL] holding an eel and singing.

STELLA: [parody of Amore] ‘When I swim in the sea and an eel kisses me , that’s a moray’. [laughs] Moray? Eel? Get it? Obviously not. [puts it on cart]

ZAC: Hello, mum!

STELLA: Zac! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a month of sunbeds!

ZAC: I’ve been to sea mum, and now I’ve dropped anchor.

STELLA: Where did you drop it?

ZAC: In the sea of course.

STELLA: That’s lost then. Have you been off swashing your buckle again?

ZAC: Yes, mum. I’m a swashbuckling adventurer, just like dad was.

STELLA: Yes, and look how he ended up.

ZAC: Was it really a giant octopus that killed him, mum?

STELLA: Yes son. It grabbed him by the tentacles and pulled him watery-eyed to a watery-grave.

ZAC: How’s the fish business, mum?

STELLA: It’s flatter than an X-factor audition. I can’t even sell skate at 50p a kilo.

ZAC: How come you’re selling skate at 50p a kilo?

STELLA: It’s cheap skate. [laughs to audience] Cheapskate? Oh, please yourselves. I’m stony broke, son.

ZAC: Don’t worry mum, your money worries will soon be over.

STELLA: You’ve found some buried treasure!?

ZAC: Not yet mum. [produces a map] But take a look at this.

STELLA: What is it?

ZAC: It’s a treasure map.

STELLA: Where did you get it?

ZAC: I pinched it from Spongebag Roundpants.

STELLA: Spongebag Roundpants! The meanest, rottenest pirate that’s ever lived?

ZAC: The very same. I sank his ship yesterday and took it off him, and it shows the exact whereabouts of buried treasure. We just have to dig it up, and we’ll be rich as kings. [slaps thigh] Hurrah!

STELLA: Are you mad, Zac? Spongebag will come after you with his band of cut-throats and won’t rest until he gets his map back! We’d better move right away. The say South America’s very nice.

ZAC: You needn’t worry about Spongebag, mum. His ship sank with all hands.

STELLA: That’s all right then. So, whereabouts is this treasure buried, buried then?

ZAC: On an island in the Caribbean.

STELLA: The Caribbean! That’s abroad, isn’t it?

ZAC: Yes, mum.

Enter Squire Flinders [SL] groping his way around stage. He bumps into Stella and accidently feels her bosom, before looking closely and suddenly realising.

SQUIRE: Aaaah! [jumps back]

STELLA: Oooh! Squire Flinders! I never realised you felt that way about me.

SQUIRE: I don’t! It was a complete accident!

STELLA: That’s what they all say.

SQUIRE: I’ve lost my glasses you see.

STELLA: That explains why you’re making a spectacle of yourself.

SQUIRE: I’m blind as a bat without me specs.

STELLA: Well, you’re certainly batty.

ZAC: Where did you lose your glasses, Squire?

SQUIRE: In my kitchen.

STELLA: Then why are you looking for them in the street?

SQUIRE: There’s more light out here.

Enter Polly [SL] with the Squire’s spectacles.

POLLY: I’ve found your glasses father!

SQUIRE: Well done Polly. [take specs and puts them on]

POLLY: Zac! When did you get back?

ZAC: Just now Polly. But I’ll be off to sea again very soon.

POLLY: Can’t you stay for a bit Zac?

ZAC: I’d love to, Polly. But I must go and dig up some buried treasure.

SQUIRE: Buried treasure!?

ZAC: That’s right Squire. [shows map] Look at this treasure map I took from Spongebag Roundpants, just before I sank his ship.