Pirates Of The Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

A Street In Old Bristol

Music cue 2: Townsfolk. After song ends…Stella enters (SL) pushing a cart loaded with fish.

Stella(sings) Freeesh, fiiiish! Caught in the sea this mooorniiing!

Chorus 1 Your fish is about as fresh as the jokes in this panto.

Stella Rubbish! They’re fresh as the morning dew. Now, who fancies a nice plaice?

Chorus 2 Me! Mine’s a rat-infested slum.

Stella I meant plaice, as in flatfish!

Chorus 3 I didn’t know fish lived in flats.

Chorus 4 Have you got any high-rise haddock?

Chorus 5 Or bungalow bass?

Stella Very funny! Now clear off, before I batter the lot of you! (they exit laughing – to audience) Hello everybody (response) I said, hello everybody! (response) That’s better! I’m Stella Sparrow, purveyor of prime, piscatonal produce. That’s seafood to you. Does anybody fancy a winkle? If you do, it’s down the hall and first on the right. (laughs) Only joking. Oh, but it’s a hard life pushing this heavy barrow around the streets of Bristol. (elicit sympathy) I have two sons who should be helping me. But one’s never home and the other one never leaves home. (looks SL) I think I’ve dropped a skate. I’d better pick it up, before somebody slips on it. (exits SL)

Music cue 3: Zac Sparrow enters (SR)

Zac Ahoy shipmates! I’m Zac Sparrow! Adventurer, buccaneer and handsome swashbuckling hero of this year’s panto! I’ve just returned from my latest adventure and already I’m pining for the sea. So, to make me feel more at home, every time I come on I’ll shout ahoy shipmates! And you all shout back, ahoy Captain! Okay? Let’s have a practice then. Ahoy shipmates! (response – slaps thigh) Hurrah! (to audience) Copy me, shipmates. Hurray! (leads audience) Well done.

Stella re-enters (SL) carrying a roller-skate.

Stella (to audience) I never said, it was a fish. (puts it on the cart)

Zac Hello, mum!

Stella You’re back, Zac! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a month of sunbeds.

Zac I’ve been to sea mum. But now I’ve dropped anchor.

Stella Where did you drop it?

Zac In the sea of course!

Stella That’s lost then. You haven’t been off swashing your buckle again, have you?

Zac Of course I have, mum. I’m a swashbuckling adventurer, just like dad was.

Stella Yes, and look how he ended up.

Zac Was it really a giant octopus that killed him, mum?

Stella Yes son. It grabbed him by the tentacles and pulled him watery-eyed to a watery grave.

Zac And how’s the fish business doing?

Stella Rubbish. It’s flatter than an X-factor audition. I couldn’t even sell skate at 10p a pound.

Zac You’re selling skate at ten pence a pound!

Stella Yes, it’s cheap skate! (to audience) Cheapskate? (laughs) Oh, please yourselves. I’m stony broke, son.

Zac Don’t worry mum, your money worries will soon be over.

Stella You’ve won the lottery?

Zac No, mum. (produces a map) Take a look at this.

Stella What is it?

Zac It’s Captain Spongebag Roundpant’s, treasure map. I sank his ship yesterday and pinched it from him.

Stella Spongebag Roundpants! The meanest, rottenest pirate that’s ever lived?

Zac The very same. This map shows the exact whereabouts of buried treasure. We just have to find it and dig it up, and we’ll be rich as kings. Hurrah!

Stella Are you mad, Zac? Spongebag will come after you with his band of cut-throats, and won’t rest until he gets his map back! We’d better move right away. They say South America’s nice this time of year.

Zac You don’t have to worry about Spongebag, mum. His ship sank with all hands.

Stella Oh, well that’s all right then. So, where’s this treasure buried then?

Zac On a Caribbean island. We’ll set sail, first thing in the morning.

Stella I can’t go sailing the high seas. I suffer from terrible sea-sickness.

Zac But you’ve never been to sea in your life, mum.

Stella No, but I once tried sleeping on a water-bed and that was bad enough.

Squire Flinders enters (SL) groping his way around stage. He bumps into Stella and accidentally feels her bosom, before looking closely and suddenly realising.

Squire Aaargh! (quickly moves away)

Stella Oooh! Squire Flinders! I never realised you felt that way about me.

Squire I don’t! It was a complete accident! I’ve lost my glasses you see.

Stella That explains why you were making a spectacle of yourself.

Squire I’m blind as a bat without me specs.

Stella Well, you’re certainly batty.

Zac Where did you lose your glasses, Squire?

Squire In my kitchen.

Stella Then why are you looking for them in the street?

Squire Because there’s more light out here.

Molly, enters (SL) with the Squire’s spectacles

Molly I’ve found them father!

Squire Well done Molly. (take specs and puts them on)

Molly Zac! When did you get back?

Zac Just now Molly. But I’m off to sea again, first thing tomorrow morning.

Molly Can’t you stay for a bit? We hardly get to see each other these days.

Zac I’d love to, Molly but I have to go and dig up some buried treasure.

Squire Buried treasure!?

Zac Yes. (shows the map) Look. I took this treasure map from Spongebag Roundpants, just before I sank his ship.

Molly But won’t Spongebag and his crew come after you?

Zac I doubt it. Him and his crew went down with the ship. Hurrah!

Stella (to audience) All right, who left their mobile switched on?

Zac Sorry, that’s me. (checks his mobile) I don’t believe it!

Molly What is it Zac?

Zac It’s a message from Spongebag.

Stella (exclaims) A message, from the other side!?

Squire What does it say?

Zac (reading) You sent my ship to the bottom of the sea,But you’ll never get the better of me. I’m coming to get my treasure map back,And you Zac Sparrow, will get your whack.

Stella Oh, no! He’s returned from his watery grave to slit our lizards!

Zac It’s gizzards, mum.

Stella Never mind what they’re called! I don’t want them slitting by a zombie pirate!

Squire Spongebag must’ve survived the sinking, and managed to get ashore.

Molly How come he has your number, Zac?

Zac He must’ve bluetoothed me, without me knowing.

Stella The filthy swine!

Molly Spongebag’s bound to turn up sooner or later, Zac.

Zac Yes, so we’ll all have to keep an eye out for him.

Squire But how will we recognise him?

Zac He carries a parrot on his shoulder and he’s got a wooden leg.

Stella That should be easy, then. There can’t be many parrots with a wooden leg.

Zac Spongebag’s got a wooden leg, mum!

Stella Easier still. A parrot and a pirate, both with wooden legs.

Squire When are you planning to set off in search of the treasure, Zac?

Zac Now that Spongebag’s alive. I’ll be leaving right away, Squire.

Molly Then I’m coming with you.

Squire But you’ve never sailed on a ship before, Molly.

Molly I’m sure Zac will teach me the ropes, father.

Stella If he hasn’t already, that is.

Squire Then I’m coming too.

Stella And me.

Zac What for, mum?

Stella If I stay here, Spongebag might grab hold of me and do unmentionable things to me.

Squire He’d have to be desperate.

Stella He is!

Squire Come along Molly, we’ll go and pack ready for the voyage.

Molly Yes, father. See you later, Zac.

Molly and Squire exit (SL)

Stella I’d better go and wake Bobby. He’ll have to come with us too.

Zac Don’t tell me he’s still in bed?

Stella Yes. He’s that lazy he barely leaves the house. I sometimes think he’s turning into a house Sparrow. (laughs) House Sparrow!? Oh, forget it. (exits USL)

Zac I’d better go and make sure my ship’s ready to sail. (slaps thigh) Hurrah! (exits SR)

Bobby enters (DSL) yawning and scratching his head.

Bobby (to audience) Has anybody seen my mum, Stella Sparrow? (response) Only she didn’t bring my breakfast in bed this morning. I’m Bobby Sparrow, by the way. Brother of Zac Sparrow. It’s not easy having a brave swashbuckling hero for a brother, you know. Everybody judges me by his standards, and think I’m a lazy coward. And it’s really knocked my confidence. (elicit sympathy) Maybe you could help me. Whenever I shout, how am I doing mateys!? I’d like you all to shout back, brilliant Bobby! And it’ll boost my confidence again. Will you do that boys and girls? (response) Thanks. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) How am I doing mateys!? (response) That didn’t sound too great. Let’s try it again. (repeat) Fantastic! Now don’t forget, will you?

Stella runs on (USL)

Stella There you are, Bobby! How come you’re out of bed before lunchtime?

Bobby Trying to find out what happened to breakfast?

Stella Never mind your breakfast. Zac’s about to set sail for the Caribbean in search of buried treasure, and we’re going with him.

Bobby Count me out, mum. I don’t think I’ve got what it takes to be a sailor.

Stella Nonsense. How hard can it be to sing rude songs and drink ale ’til you fall over?

Bobby It also sounds a bit dangerous.

Stella In what way?

Bobby Buried treasure usually belongs to pirates. And I don’t want to cross paths with pirates.

Stella You might not have a choice.

Bobby What do you mean, mum?

Stella Zac pinched the treasure map from Spongebag Roundpants, and he’s bound to come to our house looking for it.

Bobby But, Spongebag Roundpants is the meanest, most cut-throatenest pirate of them all!

Stella I know. Still, when he comes knocking on your bedroom door with his big sword raised. You can always pull the duvet over your head and pretend he’s not really there.

Bobby On second thoughts, I’ve always fancied a Caribbean cruise.

Stella Since when?

Bobby Since I thought about Spongebag turning up in my bedroom, with his big weapon.

Squire and Molly enter (SR)

Squire Here we are then, all packed and ready to go.

Molly I only hope we don’t bump into any nasty pirates.

Bobby (false bravery) Huh! Pirates don’t scare me, Molly.

Molly How come, Bobby?

Bobby I’ve done some boxing. (shadow-boxes) After my last fight they gave me a big cup.

Stella Only to keep your teeth in.

Squire We’d better hurry to the docks, if we’re going to catch the high tide.

Stella I hope it’s not too high. Otherwise we’ll need a big ladder to reach the ship.

Bobby Can I bring a bucket and spade, mum?

Stella Don’t be silly, Bobby. Bristol Docks doesn’t have a beach.

Bobby I meant, for when we arrive in the Caribbean.

Stella We’re not going on holiday, Bobby.

Molly We’ll be getting the treasure and leaving, before Spongebag and his pirates turn up.

Squire That’s right. Now, let’s go

Stella You two go on ahead, Squire. Me and Bobby will pack our stuff and meet you there.

Squire Very well. Come along, Molly.

Molly and Squire exit (SR)

Bobby What are we packing, mum?

Stella Just a few essentials. Sun-cream, bikini, deckchair, beach-towel and my Ray-ban’s.

Bobby I thought you said we weren’t going on holiday?

Stella We’re not.

Bobby Then why are you taking all that beach stuff?

Stella Because all cruise-ships have a sun-deck and swimming-pool onboard.

Bobby Do you think the bedrooms will have king-sized beds?

Stella Hammocks!

Bobby I only asked!

Stella Ship’s beds are called, hammocks!

Bobby I hope I like sleeping in hammocks.

Stella You’ll have a swinging time. Now let’s go.

All exit (SR)