Pirates Of The Panto


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The swashbuckling Zac Sparrow sinks the ship of Captain Spongebag Roundpants, the meanest pirate on the high-seas and steals his treasure map. He then sets sail to dig up the treasure, accompanied by his mother, brother, girlfriend and her father.

But,  Spongebag takes over their ship and throws them all overboard. However, Zac and company survive and end up on the island of Discomania, which is ruled by disco-diva Queen Chaka Khan.

The eventual showdown between Zac and Spongebag, takes an unusual twist, in the form of a dance-off.


10 principals, plus several smaller roles, some cameo roles and a chorus.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




Queen Chaka Khan
Harbour Master
Honest John
Boson Rollicks
High Priest
A Gorilla
Dancers; Bristolians; Islanders; Sailors; etc.



Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Stella Sparrow [SL] pushing on a cart loaded with fish.

STELLA: [sings] Freeesh, fiiiish! Caught in the ocean this mooorniiing!

CHORUS 1: Your fish are about as fresh as the jokes in this panto. [laughs]

STELLA: That still makes them fresher than your breath now, who fancies a nice plaice?

CHORUS 3: Me! My place is a rat-infested hovel!

STELLA: I meant ‘plaice,’ as in flatfish!

CHORUS 4: I didn’t know fish lived in flats.

CHORUS 5: Have you got any high-rise haddock?

CHORUS 6: Or bungalow bass?

STELLA: If you’re fishing for laughs, you’ll need better jokes than that.

CHORUS 7: And if you’re fishing for customers, you’ll need fresher produce than that.

Exit Chorus laughing [SL]

STELLA: Rabble! [to audience] Hello everybody! I’m Stella Sparrow, purveyor of prime, piscatorial produce. That’s seafood to you and me. But it’s a hard life pushing a heavy barrow around the streets of Bristol, you know. [elicit sympathy] I have two sons who should be helping me, but one’s always at sea and the other’s always in dreamland. [looks SL] Oh, I think I’ve dropped an eel. I’d better pick it up, before somebody slips on it and sues me using Claims Direct. [exits SL]

Music cue 2: Enter Zac Sparrow [SR]

ZAC: Ahoy shipmates! I’m Captain Zac Sparrow! Adventurer, buccaneer, and handsome swashbuckling hero of this here panto! [slaps thigh] I’ve just returned from my latest adventure and already I’m pining for the sea. So, to make me feel more at home, every time I come on and shout ‘ahoy shipmates!’ I want you all to shout back, ‘ahoy Captain!’ Okay? Let’s have a practice then. Ahoy shipmates! [response – slaps thigh] Hurrah!

Enter Stella [SL] holding an eel and singing.

STELLA: [parody of Amore] ‘When I swim in the sea and an eel kisses me, that’s a moray.’ [laughs] Eel? Moray? Get it? Obviously not. [puts it on cart]

ZAC: Hello, mum!

STELLA: Zac, you’re back!

ZAC: Yes mum, I’ve just dropped anchor.

STELLA: Where did you drop it?

ZAC: In the sea of course.

STELLA: That’s lost then. Have you been off swashing your buckle again?

ZAC: Yes, mum. I’m a swashbuckling adventurer, just like dad was.

STELLA: Yes and look how he ended up.

ZAC: Was it really a giant octopus that killed him, mum?

STELLA: Yes son. It grabbed him by the tentacles and pulled him watery eyed to a watery grave.

ZAC: How’s the fish business, mum?

STELLA: It’s flatter than a flatfish, I can’t even sell skate at 50p a kilo.

ZAC: How come you’re selling skate at 50p a kilo?

STELLA: It’s cheap skate. [aside] Cheapskate? Oh, please yourselves. I’m stony broke, son.

ZAC: Don’t worry mum, your money worries will soon be over.

STELLA: You’ve won the lottery!?

ZAC: No, mum, but I might end up richer than a lottery winner. [produces a map] Take a look at this.

STELLA: What is it?

ZAC: It’s a treasure map.

STELLA: Where did you get it?

ZAC: I pinched it off Spongebag Roundpants.

STELLA: Spongebag Roundpants! The meanest, rottenest pirate that’s ever lived?

ZAC: The very same. I sank his ship yesterday and took it from him, and it shows the whereabouts of buried treasure. We just have to dig it up, and we’ll be millionaires. [slaps thigh] Hurrah!

STELLA: Are you mad, Zac? Spongebag will come after you with his band of cut-throats and won’t rest until he gets his map back! We’d better move right away. The say South America’s very nice.

ZAC: You needn’t worry about Spongebag mum, his ship sank with all hands.

STELLA: That’s all right then so, whereabouts is this buried treasure buried then?

ZAC: On an island in the Caribbean.

STELLA: The Caribbean, that’s abroad, isn’t it?

ZAC: Yes, mum.

Enter Squire Flinders [SL] groping his way around stage. He bumps into Stella and accidently feels her bosom, before looking closely and suddenly realising.

SQUIRE: Aaaah! [jumps back]

STELLA: Oooh! Squire Flinders! I never realised you felt that way about me.

SQUIRE: I don’t, it was a complete accident!

STELLA: That’s what they all say.

SQUIRE: I’ve lost my glasses you see.

STELLA: That explains why you’re making a spectacle of yourself.

SQUIRE: I’m blind as a bat without me specs.

STELLA: Well, you’re certainly batty.

ZAC: Where did you lose your glasses, Squire?

SQUIRE: In my kitchen.

STELLA: Then why are you looking for them out here in the street?

SQUIRE: There’s more light out here.

Enter Polly [SL] with the Squire’s spectacles.

POLLY: I’ve found your glasses father.

SQUIRE: Well done Polly. [take specs and puts them on]

POLLY: Zac! When did you get back?

ZAC: Just now Polly, but I’ll be off to sea again very soon.

POLLY: Can’t you stay for a bit Zac?

ZAC: I’d love to, Polly, but I have to go and dig up some buried treasure.

SQUIRE: Buried treasure!?

ZAC: That’s right Squire. [shows map] Look at this treasure map I took from Spongebag Roundpants, just before I sank his ship.