Pirates Of The Panto

Scene One

A Street In Old Bristol

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Stella Sparrow (SL) pushing on a cart loaded with fish.

STELLA: (sings) Freeesh, fiiiish! Caught in the ocean this mooorniiing!

CHORUS 1: (in Stella’s face) Your fish is about as fresh as the jokes in this panto.

STELLA: (wafting) That still makes them fresher than your breath. Now, who fancies a nice plaice?

CHORUS 3: Me! Mine’s a rat-infested hovel!

STELLA: I meant plaice, as in flatfish!

CHORUS 4: I didn’t know fish lived in flats.

CHORUS 5: Have you got any high-rise haddock?

CHORUS 6: Or bungalow bass?

STELLA: If you’re fishing for laughs, you’ll need better jokes than that.

CHORUS 7: And if you’re fishing for customers, you’ll need better produce than that.

Exit Chorus laughing (SL)

STELLA: Rabble! (to audience) Hello everybody! I said, hello everybody! That’s better. I’m Stella Sparrow, purveyor of prime, piscatorial produce. That’s seafood to you and me. Does anybody fancy a winkle? If so, it’s down the corridor and first on the right. Only joking. Oh, but it’s a hard life pushing a heavy barrow around the streets of Bristol. (elicit sympathy) I have two sons who should be helping me. But one’s never home and the other one never leaves home. (looks SL) Oh, I think I’ve dropped a skate. I’d better pick it up, before somebody slips on it and rings Claims Direct. (exits SL)

Music cue 2: Enter Zac Sparrow (SR)

ZAC: Ahoy shipmates! I’m Captain Zac Sparrow! Adventurer, buccaneer, and handsome swashbuckling hero of this here panto! (slaps thigh) I’ve just returned from my latest adventure and already I’m pining for the sea. So, to make me feel more at home, every time I come on, I’ll shout ahoy shipmates! And you all shout back, ahoy Captain! Okay? Let’s have a practice then. Ahoy shipmates! (response – slaps thigh) Hurrah!

Enter Stella (SL) carrying a roller-skate.

STELLA: (to audience) I didn’t say it was a fish now, did I? (puts it on cart)

ZAC: Hello, mum!

STELLA: Zac! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a month of sunbeds!

ZAC: I’ve been to sea mum, and now I’ve dropped anchor.

STELLA: Where did you drop it?

ZAC: In the sea of course.

STELLA: That’s lost then. Have you been off swashing your buckle again, Zac?

ZAC: Yes, mum. I’m a swashbuckling adventurer, just like dad was.

STELLA: Yes, and look how he ended up.

ZAC: Was it really a giant octopus that killed him, mum?

STELLA: Yes son. It grabbed him by the tentacles and pulled him watery-eyed to a watery-grave.

ZAC: How’s the fish business, mum?

STELLA: It’s flatter than an X-factor audition. I can’t even sell skate at 50p a kilo.

ZAC: How come you’re selling skate at 50p a kilo?

STELLA: It’s cheap skate. (laughs to audience) Cheapskate? Oh, please yourselves. I’m stony broke, son.

ZAC: Don’t worry mum, your money worries will soon be over.

STELLA: You’ve won the lottery!?

ZAC: No, mum. (produces a map) Take a look at this.

STELLA: What is it?

ZAC: It’s a treasure map.

STELLA: Where did you get it?

ZAC: I pinched it from Spongebag Roundpants.

STELLA: Spongebag Roundpants! The meanest, rottenest pirate that’s ever lived?

ZAC: The very same. I sank his ship yesterday and pinched it off him, and it shows the exact whereabouts of buried treasure. We just have to find it and dig it up, and we’ll be rich as kings. (slaps thigh) Hurrah!

STELLA: Are you mad, Zac? Spongebag will come after you with his band of cut-throats and won’t rest until he gets his map back! We’d better move right away. The say South America’s very nice.

ZAC: You needn’t worry about Spongebag, mum. His ship sank with all hands.

STELLA: That’s all right then. So, whereabouts is this treasure buried?

ZAC: On an island in the Caribbean.

STELLA: The Caribbean – that’s abroad, isn’t it?

ZAC: Yes, mum.

Enter Squire Flinders (SL) groping his way around stage. He bumps into Stella and accidently feels her bosom, before looking closely and suddenly realising.

SQUIRE: Aaaah! (quickly moves away)

STELLA: Oooh! Squire Flinders! I never realised you felt that way about me.

SQUIRE: I don’t! It was a complete accident!

STELLA: That’s what they all say.

SQUIRE: I’ve lost my glasses you see.

STELLA: That explains why you’re making a spectacle of yourself.

SQUIRE: I’m blind as a bat without me specs.

STELLA: You’re certainly batty.

ZAC: Where did you lose your glasses, Squire?

SQUIRE: In my kitchen.

STELLA: Then why are you looking for them in the street?

SQUIRE: It’s lighter out here.

Enter Polly (SL) with the Squire’s spectacles.

POLLY: I’ve found them father!

SQUIRE: Well done Polly. (take specs and puts them on)

POLLY: Zac! When did you get back?

ZAC: Just now Polly. But I’ll be off to sea again very soon.

POLLY: Can’t you stay for a bit Zac?

ZAC: I’d love to, Polly. But I must go and dig up some buried treasure.

SQUIRE: Buried treasure!?

ZAC: That’s right. (shows the map) Look at this, Squire. I took this treasure map from Spongebag Roundpants, just before I sank his ship.

POLLY: But won’t Spongebag and his crew come after you, Zac?

ZAC: No, Polly. Him and his crew went down with the ship.

STELLA: to audience) All right, who left their mobile switched on?

ZAC: Sorry, that’s me. (checks his mobile) I don’t believe it!

POLLY: What is it Zac?

ZAC: It’s a message from Spongebag.

STELLA: gasps) A message, from the other side!?

SQUIRE: What does it say?

ZAC: You sent my ship to the bottom of the sea,

But you’ll never get the better of me.

I’m coming to get my treasure map back,

And you Zac Sparrow, will get your whack.

STELLA: He’s returned from his watery grave to slit our lizards!

ZAC: It’s gizzards, mum.

STELLA: Whatever they’re called! I still don’t want them slitting by a zombie pirate!

SQUIRE: Spongebag obviously survived the sinking and managed to get ashore.

POLLY: How come he has your number, Zac?

ZAC: Most seafarers are on a new app called HelloSailor.

STELLA: I must remember to download that later.

POLLY: Sooner or later Spongebag will turn up here, Zac.

ZAC: Then we must all keep an eye out for him

SQUIRE: But how will we recognise him?

ZAC: He has a parrot on his shoulder, and he’s got a wooden leg.

STELLA: That’ll be easy then. There can’t be many parrots with a wooden leg.

ZAC: Spongebag has a wooden leg, mum.

STELLA: Easier still. A parrot and a pirate, both with wooden legs.

SQUIRE: When are you planning to set off for the treasure, Zac?

ZAC: Now that I know Spongebag’s alive. I’ll be leaving right away Squire.

POLLY: Then I’m coming with you, Zac.

SQUIRE: But you’ve never sailed on a ship before, Polly.

POLLY: I’m sure Zac will show me the ropes, father.

SQUIRE: That’s what I’m afraid of – so I’ll be coming with you.

STELLA: Me too.

ZAC: What for, mum?

STELLA: Because Spongebag might nab me and do unmentionable things to me.

SQUIRE: He’d have to be desperate.

STELLA: All pirates are desperate, Squire!

SQUIRE: Come along Polly, we’ll go and pack ready for the voyage.

POLLY: Yes, father. See you in a bit, Zac.

Exit Polly and Squire (SL)

STELLA: I’d better go and wake your brother Bobby – he’ll have to come too.

ZAC: Don’t tell me he’s still in bed?

STELLA: Yes. He’s that lazy he barely leaves home. I sometimes think he’s turning into a house Sparrow. (laughs) House Sparrow? Never mind. (exits USL)

ZAC: I’d better go and check my ship’s ready to sail. (exits SR)

Enter Bobby (DSL) yawning and scratching his head.

BOBBY: Hello boys and girls! I’m Bobby Sparrow, brother of Zac Sparrow. It’s not easy having a swashbuckling hero as a brother, you know. Everybody judges me by his standards and think I’m a lazy coward, and it’s really knocked my confidence. (elicit sympathy) Maybe you could help boost it again. Whenever I shout, how am I doing mateys!? I want you all to shout back, brilliant Bobby! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) How am I doing mateys!? That wasn’t much of a boost. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) Brilliant! Now don’t forget, will you?

Enter Stella (DSL)

STELLA: There you are, Bobby. How come you’re out of bed before lunchtime?

BOBBY: You didn’t bring me breakfast in bed earlier, so I came looking for you.

STELLA: Never mind your breakfast. Zac’s about to set sail for the Caribbean in search of buried treasure, and we’re going with him.

BOBBY: I can’t go sailing the high seas, mum!

STELLA: Why not?

BOBBY: I suffer from terrible seasickness.

STELLA: But you’ve never been to sea in your life, Bobby!

BOBBY: I know, but I once tried sleeping on a waterbed and that was bad enough. I don’t think I have what it takes to be a sailor.

STELLA: How hard can it be to sing rude songs and drink rum ’til you fall over?

BOBBY: Besides, buried treasure usually belongs to pirates. And I don’t want to cross paths with any cut-throat pirates.

STELLA: You might not have any choice.

BOBBY: What do you mean, mum?

STELLA: Zac pinched the treasure map from Spongebag Roundpants, and he’s bound to come to our house looking for it.

BOBBY: Spongebag Roundpants! The meanest most cut-throatenest pirate ever!?

STELLA: That’s right.

BOBBY: On second thoughts I’ve always fancied a Caribbean cruise.

STELLA: Since when?

BOBBY: Since I thought about Spongebag turning up at our door.

Enter Squire and Polly (SR)

SQUIRE: Here we are Stella, all packed and ready to go.

POLLY: Now let’s get to the docks and find Zac.

BOBBY: Can I bring a bucket and spade, mum?

STELLA: Don’t talk daft, Bobby. Bristol Docks doesn’t have a beach.

BOBBY: I meant, for when we arrive in the Caribbean.

POLLY: We’re not going on holiday, Bobby.

STELLA: Once we have the treasure, we’ll be leaving before Spongebag turns up.

SQUIRE: We’d better hurry if we’re to catch the high-tide.

STELLA: You both go on ahead, Squire. We’ll pack our stuff and meet you there.

SQUIRE: Very well. Come along, Polly.

Exit Polly and Squire (SR)

BOBBY: What are we packing, mum?

STELLA: Just a few essentials. Sunblock, a deckchair, a beach towel, my Ray-ban’s and my sexy bikini.

BOBBY: I thought you said we weren’t going on holiday?

STELLA: We’re not.

BOBBY: Then why are you taking all that beach stuff?

STELLA: All Caribbean cruise ships have a sundeck and a swimming pool onboard.

BOBBY: Do you think the ship will have nice comfy beds?

STELLA: Hammocks!

BOBBY: I only asked!

STELLA: Ship’s beds are called hammocks, Bobby.

BOBBY: Have you ever slept in a hammock, mum?

STELLA: Yes, and I had a swinging time. Now, let’s go and pack

Exit Stella and Bobby (SR)

Music cue 3: Enter Poop and Deck (SL)

POOP: Why are we going to Bristol Docks again, Deck?

DECK: Because that’s the best place for sailors to get picked up.

POOP: But no Captain will ever take us on because of our names.

DECK: Which is why we’re changed them.

POOP: How will changing our names help get us a job aboard ship?

DECK: ‘Cos we’re changing them from Sinkham and Scupper, to Poop and Deck.

POOP: Them’s good strong sea-faring names, aren’t they?

DECK: They’re certainly better than the ones you suggested.

POOP: What’s wrong with Flotsam and Jetsam?

DECK: Flotsam and Jetsam, is wreckage from a ship that’s just sank.

POOP: And what’s Poop and Deck?

DECK: It’s the name of a ship’s deck.

POOP: Whereabouts is the poop deck?

DECK: I think it’s where they keep the toilet.

POOP: Why can’t you be Poop and I’ll be Deck?

DECK: Because my name’s Declan and Declan Deck has a certain ring to it.

POOP: My name’s Willy – and Willy Poop also has a certain ring to it.

DECK: That’s settled then. We both have sea-faring names with a ring to them.

POOP: It’s not settled!

DECK: Oh yes, it is!

POOP: Oh no, it isn’t!

DECK: Oh yes, it is!

Exit Poop and Deck (SR) still arguing.