Pirates Of The Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

A Street In Old Bristol

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Stella Sparrow (SL) pushing on a cart loaded with fish, and other seafood.

Stella (sings) Freeesh, fiiiish! Caught in the ocean this mooorniiing!

Chorus 1 Your fish is about as fresh as the jokes in this panto.

Stella Then this must be a very modern panto. Now, who fancies a nice plaice?

Chorus 2 I do! Mine’s a rat-infested slum.

Stella I meant plaice, as in flatfish!

Chorus 3 I didn’t know fish lived in flats.

Chorus 4 Have you got any high-rise haddock?

Chorus 5 Or bungalow bass?

Stella Very funny! Now, clear off before I batter the lot of you! (shoos them off SL – turns to audience) Hello everybody! (response) I said, hello everybody! That’s better. I’m Stella Sparrow, purveyor of prime, piscatorial produce. That’s seafood to you lot. Does anybody fancy a winkle? If so, it’s down the corridor and first on the right. (laughs) Only joking. Oh, but it’s a hard life pushing a heavy barrow around the streets of Bristol. (elicit sympathy) I have two sons who should be helping me. But one’s never home and the other one never leaves home. (looks SL) Oh, I think I’ve dropped a skate. I’d better pick it up, before somebody slips on it and rings Claims Direct. (exits SL)

Music cue 2: Enter Zac Sparrow (SR)

Zac Ahoy shipmates! I’m Captain Zac Sparrow! Adventurer, buccaneer, and handsome swashbuckling hero of this here panto! (slaps thigh) I’ve just returned from my latest adventure and already I’m pining for the sea. So, to make me feel more at home, every time I come on I’ll shout ahoy shipmates! And you all shout back, ahoy Captain! Okay? Let’s have a practice then. Ahoy shipmates! (response – slaps thigh) Hurrah!

Enter Stella (SL) carrying a roller-skate.

Stella (to audience) I didn’t say it was a fish, now did I? (puts it on the cart)

Zac Hello, mum!

Stella Zac! You’re back! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in a month of sunbeds.

Zac I’ve been to sea mum. But now I’ve dropped anchor.

Stella Where did you drop it?

Zac In the sea of course.

Stella That’s lost then. Have you been off swashing your buckle again?

Zac Yes, mum. I’m a swashbuckling adventurer, just like dad was.

Stella Yes, and look how he ended up.

Zac Was it really a giant octopus that killed him, mum?

Stella Yes son. It grabbed him by the tentacles and pulled him watery-eyed to a watery grave.

Zac How’s the fish business, mum?

Stella It’s flatter than an X-factor audition. I couldn’t even sell skate at 50p a kilo.

Zac Why are you selling skate at 50p a kilo?

Stella It’s cheap skate. (laughs to audience) Cheapskate? Oh, please yourselves. I’m stony broke, son.

Zac Don’t worry mum, your money worries will soon be over.

Stella You’ve won the lottery!?

Zac No, mum. (produces a map) Have a look at this.

Stella What is it?

Zac It’s Captain Spongebag Roundpant’s, treasure map. I sank his ship yesterday and pinched it from him.

Stella Spongebag Roundpants! The meanest, rottenest pirate that’s ever lived?

Zac The very same. This map shows the exact whereabouts of buried treasure. We just have to find it and dig it up, and we’ll be rich as kings. (slaps thigh) Hurrah!

Stella Are you mad, Zac? Spongebag will come after you with his band of cut-throats, and won’t rest until he gets his map back! We’d better move right away. The say the South of France is very nice.

Zac You don’t have to worry about Spongebag, mum. His ship sank with all hands.

Stella Oh, well that’s all right then. So, whereabouts is this treasure buried?

Zac On a Caribbean island. We’ll set sail first thing in the morning.

Stella I can’t go sailing the high seas. I suffer from terrible seasickness.

Zac But you’ve never been to sea in your life, mum.

Stella I know. But I once tried sleeping on a waterbed and that was bad enough.

Enter Squire Flinders (SL) groping his way around stage. He bumps into Stella and accidently feels her bosom, before looking closely and suddenly realising.

Squire Aaaah! (quickly moves away)

Stella Oooh! Squire Flinders! I never realised you felt that way about me.

Squire I don’t! It was a complete accident! I’ve lost my glasses you see.

Stella That explains why you were making a spectacle of yourself.

Squire I’m blind as a bat without me specs.

Stella Well, you’re certainly batty.

Zac Where did you lose your spectacles, Squire?

Squire In my kitchen.

Stella Then why are you looking for them in the street?

Squire Because there’s more light out here.

Enter Molly (SL) with the Squire’s spectacles.

Molly I’ve found them father!

Squire Well done Molly. (take specs and puts them on)

Molly Zac! When did you get back?

Zac Just now Molly. But I’m off to sea again first thing in the morning.

Molly Can’t you stay for a bit? We hardly see each other these days.

Zac I’d love to, Molly. But I must go and dig up some buried treasure.

Squire Buried treasure!?

Zac That’s right. (shows the map) Look, Squire. I took this treasure map from Spongebag Roundpants, just before I sank his ship.

Molly But won’t Spongebag and his crew come after you?

Zac No. Him and his crew went down with the ship.

Stella (to audience) All right, who left their mobile switched on?

Zac Sorry, that’s me. (checks his mobile) I don’t believe it!

Molly What is it Zac?

Zac It’s a message from Spongebag.

Stella (exclaims) A message, from the other side?

Squire What does it say?

Zac (reading) You sent my ship to the bottom of the sea,But you’ll never get the better of me. I’m coming to get my treasure map back,And you Zac Sparrow, will get your whack.

Stella Oh, no! He’s returned from his watery grave to slit our lizards!

Zac It’s gizzards, mum.

Stella Never mind what they’re called! I don’t want them slitting by a zombie pirate!

Squire Spongebag obviously survived the sinking and managed to get ashore.

Molly How come he has your number, Zac?

Zac He must have bluetoothed me.

Stella I thought pirates usually had black teeth.

Molly Sooner or later Spongebag will turn up here, Zac.

Zac Then we must all keep an eye out for him

Squire But how will we recognise him?

Zac He carries a parrot on his shoulder, and he’s got a wooden leg.

Stella That should be easy, then. There can’t be many parrots with a wooden leg.

Zac Spongebag has a wooden leg, mum.

Stella Easier still. A parrot and a pirate, both with wooden legs.

Squire When are you planning to set off for the treasure, Zac?

Zac Now that Spongebag’s alive. I’ll be leaving right away, Squire.

Molly Then I’m coming with you, Zac.

Squire But you’ve never sailed on a ship before, Molly.

Molly I’m sure that Zac will teach me the ropes, father.

Stella If he hasn’t already, that is.

Squire That’s what I’m afraid of. If you’re going Molly, then I’m coming too.

Stella And so am I.

Zac What for, mum?

Stella If I stay here, Spongebag might do unmentionable things to me.

Squire He’d have to be desperate.

Stella All pirates are desperate.

Squire Come along Molly, we’ll go and pack ready for the voyage.

Molly Yes, father. See you later, Zac.

Exit Molly and Squire (SL)

Stella I’d better go and wake Bobby. He’ll also have to come with us.

Zac Don’t tell me he’s still in bed?

Stella Yes. He’s that lazy he barely leaves the house. I sometimes think he’s turning into a house Sparrow. (laughs) House Sparrow!? Oh, forget it. (exits USL)

Zac I’d better go and make sure my ship’s ready to sail. (slaps thigh) Hurrah! (exits SR)

Enter Bobby (DSL) yawning and scratching his head.

Bobby (to audience) Has anybody seen my mum, Stella Sparrow? (response) You have? Only she didn’t bring my breakfast in bed this morning. I’m Bobby Sparrow, brother of Zac Sparrow. It’s not easy having a brave swashbuckling hero as a brother. Everybody judges me by his standards and think I’m a lazy coward, which has really knocked my confidence. (elicit sympathy) Maybe you could all help boost it again. Whenever I shout, how am I doing mateys!? I want you all to shout back, brilliant Bobby! Will you do that boys and girls? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) How am I doing mateys!? That wasn’t much of a boost. Let’s try it again shall we. (repeat business) Brilliant! Now don’t forget, will you?

Enter Stella (DSL)

Stella There you are, Bobby. How come you’re out of bed before lunchtime?

Bobby Trying to find out what happened to breakfast?

Stella Never mind your breakfast. Zac’s about to set sail for the Caribbean in search of buried treasure, and we’re going with him.

Bobby Count me out, mum. I don’t think I have what it takes to be a sailor.

Stella Nonsense. How hard can it be to sing rude songs and drink ale ’til you fall over?

Bobby It also sounds a bit dangerous.

Stella In what way?

Bobby Buried treasure usually belongs to pirates. And I don’t want to cross paths with pirates.

Stella You might not have any choice.

Bobby What do you mean, mum?

Stella Zac pinched the treasure map from Spongebag Roundpants, and he’s bound to come to our house looking for it.

Bobby But Spongebag Roundpants, is the meanest most cut-throatenest pirate of them all!

Stella I know. Still, when he comes banging on your bedroom door with his big weapon. You can always pull the duvet over your head and pretend he’s not really there.

Bobby On second thoughts. I’ve always fancied a Caribbean cruise.

Stella Since when?

Bobby Since I thought about Spongebag turning up at my bedroom, with his big weapon.

Enter Squire and Molly (SR)

Squire Here we are then, all packed and ready to go.

Molly I just hope we don’t bump into any pirates beforehand.

Bobby (false bravado) Huh! Pirates don’t scare me, Molly.

Molly How come, Bobby?

Bobby I’ve done some boxing. (shadow boxes) After my last fight they gave me a big cup.

Stella Only to keep your teeth in.

Squire We’d better hurry to the docks if we’re going to catch the high tide.

Stella I hope it’s not too high. Otherwise we’ll need a big ladder to climb aboard ship.

Bobby Can I bring a bucket and spade, mum?

Stella Don’t talk silly, Bobby. Bristol Docks doesn’t have a beach.

Bobby I meant, for when we arrive in the Caribbean.

Molly We’re not going on holiday, Bobby.

Stella Certainly not. Once we have the treasure, we’ll be leaving before Spongebag turns up.

Squire Let’s get down to the docks, then.

Stella You both go on ahead, Squire. Me and Bobby will pack our stuff and meet you there.

Squire Very well. Come along, Molly.

Exit Molly and Squire (SR)

Bobby What are we packing, mum?

Stella Just a few essentials. Sunblock, bikini, deckchair, beach towel and my Ray-ban’s.

Bobby I thought you said we weren’t going on holiday?

Stella We’re not.

Bobby Then why are you taking all that beach stuff?

Stella Because all cruise ships have a sundeck and a swimming pool onboard.

Bobby Do you think the ship will have nice comfy beds?

Stella Hammocks!

Bobby I only asked!

Stella Ship’s beds are called hammocks, numpty!

Bobby I hope I like sleeping in hammocks.

Stella I guarantee you’ll have a swinging time. Now, let’s go.

Exit both (SR)