Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)
Enter Simon (SR)
SIMON: Hello panto lovers! Welcome to Pantoland! I’m Simon Trott, and I hate to start on a downer, but I’m a bit sad today. I’m sadder than that! It’s because mum can’t afford to pay her rent and we’re in danger of being evicted from our new flat, which we’ve only just moved into after being evicted from our lovely dairy for rent arrears.
Enter Dame Trott (SR)
DAME T: What was that awful racket I heard just now, Simon?
SIMON: It was probably some buskers, mum.
DAME T: Thank goodness for that. For a moment, I thought our cow Daisy was ill.
SIMON: Daisy’s fine. In fact, I’ve never seen her happier than she is right now.
DAME T: That just makes things even harder for me.
SIMON: What do you mean, mum?
DAME T: I’m afraid I have to sell her.
SIMON: Sell Daisy! You’re not serious, mum?
DAME T: Yes, Simon. If I don’t pay my rent by today, we’ll be evicted – again.
SIMON: Please don’t sell Daisy, mum – it’ll only break my heart.
DAME T: Mine too. Daisy’s been with us through good times and bad.
SIMON: Mostly bad.
DAME T: If your father hadn’t run off with that contortionist, leaving us destitute. We’d still have a dairy to run. The hussy bent over backwards to lure him away from me.
SIMON: Do you still miss him mum?
DAME T: No Simon, your father was a deadbeat.
SIMON: But you must’ve loved him once.
DAME T: I did love him once – twice actually and look what it got me.
SIMON: What did it get you, mum?
DAME T: You and Jack.
SIMON: I wonder how Jack’s getting on since he married Jill and moved away.
DAME T: The last I heard, they were carting water up and down a hill for a living.
SIMON: That’s a funny job, isn’t it?
DAME T: They weren’t laughing when they tripped and fell down it yesterday.
SIMON: Are they all right?
DAME T: Yes, they went to hospital and got bandaged up with vinegar and brown paper.
SIMON: These NHS cuts are really starting to bite, aren’t they?
Enter an adult Little Red Riding Hood (SR)
RED: Hello you two!
DAME T: Hello Little Red Riding Hood!
SIMON: (leering) She’s not so little these days, mum.
DAME T: Roll your tongue back in Simon.
RED: Would you like me to take Daisy for a walk Mrs Trott?
DAME T: No dear, I’m selling her.
RED: Selling Daisy! But why?
DAME T: To pay our rent.
RED: What about Simon?
DAME T: I did consider that, but I think I’ll get more for Daisy.
RED: I meant, can’t Simon get a job and earn some money?
DAME T: You must be joking. He can never hold a job down. His last one was painting white lines down the middle of the road. The first week he did 18 miles, the second week 10 miles and the third week, 4 miles. So, they sacked him.
RED: How come you painted less each week Simon?
SIMON: The paint tin was getting further way.
DAME T: And before that, he had a job making doorknobs and got sacked after only one day.
RED: How come?
SIMON: I couldn’t handle it.
RED: Don’t either of you have any savings?
DAME T: I spent all mine on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I tell you what, never again.
SIMON: And I signed up to an expensive escapologist course and I’m struggling to get out of it.
DAME T: Then our TV was repossessed right in the middle of watching The Exorcist.
SIMON: And I’ve spent our last tenner on another telly from Curry’s.
RED: You bought a telly for a tenner!?
SIMON: Yes. It said, ‘Telly for a tenner, volume stuck on full’. I thought, I can’t turn that down.
DAME T: I don’t want to sell Daisy, but I have no choice. Besides, it’s not easy keeping an incontinent cow in a basement flat.
SIMON: Not to mention downright messy.
SFX: Loud mooing.
RED: It sounds like Daisy’s ready for her breakfast.
DAME T: I’d better go and make her last meal.
SIMON: Last meal!?
DAME T: Before the abattoir truck arrives. (exits SL bawling)