Panto Mania

SCENE ONE

PANTOLAND

Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Simon [SR]

SIMON: Hello panto lovers, and welcome to Pantoland! I’m Simon Trott, and I hate to start on a downer, but I’m a bit sad today. I’m sadder than that! You see we’re in danger of being evicted from our new flat due to rent arrears, and we’ve only just moved in after being evicted from our dairy for rent arrears. It’s because we’re so poor. [elicit sympathy] We even had our TV repossessed right in the middle of watching The Exorcist. Luckily, I managed to buy another one from Curry’s for a tenner. The sign said, Telly for a tenner, volume stuck on full. I thought, I can’t turn that down. And we still have our cow Daisy, so at least we get free milk.

Enter Dame Trott [SR]

DAME T: What was that awful racket I heard just now, Simon?

SIMON: It was probably some buskers, mum.

DAME T: Thank goodness for that. For a moment I thought Daisy was ill.

SIMON: Daisy’s fine mum. In fact, I’ve never seen her happier than she is right now.

DAME T: That just makes things even harder for me.

SIMON: What do you mean, mum?

DAME T: I’m afraid we’ll have to sell Daisy.

SIMON: Sell Daisy! You’re not serious, mum?

DAME T: I don’t want to, but if I don’t pay our rent by today, we’ll be evicted again.

SIMON: Please don’t sell Daisy mum, it will only break my heart.

DAME T: Mine too, Simon. Daisy’s been with us through good times and bad.

SIMON: Mostly bad.

DAME T: If your father hadn’t run off with that contortionist, leaving us destitute. We’d still have a dairy to run. The hussy bent over backwards to lure him away from me.

SIMON: Do you still miss him mum?

DAME T: No Simon, your father was a deadbeat.

SIMON: But you must’ve loved him once mum.

DAME T: I did love him once – twice in fact and look what it got me.

SIMON: What did it get you, mum?

DAME T: You and Jack.

SIMON: I wonder how Jack’s getting on ever since he married Jill and moved away.

DAME T: The last I heard, they were carting water up and down a hill for a living.

SIMON: That’s a funny job, isn’t it?

DAME T: They weren’t laughing when they tripped and fell down it yesterday.

SIMON: Are they both all right?

DAME T: Yes, they went to hospital and got bandaged up with vinegar and brown paper.

SIMON: These NHS cuts are really starting to bite, aren’t they?

DAME T: You’re telling me. I went see to the doctor about my depression, and he wrote me a prescription. I said Doctor, you’ve just written a joke on this prescription!

SIMON: And what did he say?

DAME T: He said, laughter is the best medicine Mrs Trott.

SIMON: Are you going to try and get him struck off, mum?

DAME T: No Simon

SIMON: Why not?

DAME T: The joke wasn’t that bad.

Enter an adult Little Red Riding Hood [SR]

RED: Hello you two!

DAME T: Hello Little Red Riding Hood!

SIMON: [leering] She’s not so little these days, mum.

DAME T: Roll your tongue back in Simon.

RED: Would you like me to take Daisy for her daily walk Mrs T?

DAME T: No thanks dear, I’m selling her.

RED: Selling Daisy! But why?

DAME T: To pay our rent.

RED: What about Simon?

DAME T: I did consider it, but I think I’ll get more for Daisy.

RED: I meant, can’t Simon get a job and earn some money?

DAME T: You must be joking. He can never seem to hold a job down.

RED: What was your last job, Simon?

SIMON: I was a sound technician, but I got sacked after some bad feedback. Before that, I had a job making doorknobs, but I couldn’t handle it. And before that I worked in a factory making calendars, but they sacked me for taking a day off.

RED: Don’t you either of you have any savings?

DAME T: I spent all mine on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday, but I’ll never to that again.

SIMON: And I signed up to an online escapologist course and I can’t get out of it.

DAME T: I don’t want to sell Daisy, but I have no choice. Besides, it’s not easy keeping an incontinent cow in a basement flat.

SIMON: Not to mention downright unhygienic.

SFX: Loud mooing.

RED: It sounds like Daisy’s ready for her breakfast.

DAME T: I’d better go and make her last meal.

SIMON: Last meal!?

DAME T: Before the abattoir truck arrives. [exits SL bawling]

RED: Poor Daisy’s going to be turned into a BigMac!

SIMON: Not if I can help it Red! Bye now! [exits at a run SL]

RED: I hope Mrs T changes her mind about selling Daisy, don’t you boys and girls?

Enter Prince Charming at a run [SR] he stops [CS] to catch his breath.

PRINCE: I can’t keep this up for much longer.

RED: Prince Charming!

PRINCE: I can’t stop Red, I’m on the run from Baron Hardup’s ugly stepdaughters.

RED: Why are Zoflora and Vileda chasing after you?

PRINCE: The glass slipper fitted Vileda, and she expects me to honour my promise of marrying whoever it fitted.

RED: Then how come they’re both after you?

PRINCE: They believe in sharing everything, and that includes me.

RED: What are you going to do?

PRINCE: I’m thinking of escaping to the human world above.

RED: I’ve heard it’s terrible up there. Global warming, rising sea-levels, plastic pollution. Not to mention Donald Trump.

PRINCE: Donald Trump?

RED: I told you not to mention him.