Panto Mania

Scene One

Pantoland

Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Enter Simon (SR)

SIMON: Hello panto lovers! Welcome to Pantoland! I’m Simon Trott, and I hate to start on a downer, but I’m a bit sad today. I’m sadder than that! It’s because mum can’t afford to pay her rent and we’re in danger of being evicted from our new flat, which we’ve only just moved into after being evicted from our lovely dairy for rent arrears.

Enter Dame Trott (SR)

DAME T: What was that awful racket I heard just now, Simon?

SIMON: It was probably some buskers, mum.

DAME T: Thank goodness for that. For a moment, I thought our cow Daisy was ill.

SIMON: Daisy’s fine. In fact, I’ve never seen her happier than she is right now.

DAME T: That just makes things even harder for me.

SIMON: What do you mean, mum?

DAME T: I’m afraid I have to sell her.

SIMON: Sell Daisy! You’re not serious, mum?

DAME T: Yes, Simon. If I don’t pay my rent by today, we’ll be evicted – again.

SIMON: Please don’t sell Daisy, mum – it’ll only break my heart.

DAME T: Mine too. Daisy’s been with us through good times and bad.

SIMON: Mostly bad.

DAME T: If your father hadn’t run off with that contortionist, leaving us destitute. We’d still have a dairy to run. The hussy bent over backwards to lure him away from me.

SIMON: Do you still miss him mum?

DAME T: No Simon, your father was a deadbeat.

SIMON: But you must’ve loved him once.

DAME T: I did love him once – twice actually and look what it got me.

SIMON: What did it get you, mum?

DAME T: You and Jack.

SIMON: I wonder how Jack’s getting on since he married Jill and moved away.

DAME T: The last I heard, they were carting water up and down a hill for a living.

SIMON: That’s a funny job, isn’t it?

DAME T: They weren’t laughing when they tripped and fell down it yesterday.

SIMON: Are they all right?

DAME T: Yes, they went to hospital and got bandaged up with vinegar and brown paper.

SIMON: These NHS cuts are really starting to bite, aren’t they?

Enter an adult Little Red Riding Hood (SR)

RED: Hello you two!

DAME T: Hello Little Red Riding Hood!

SIMON: (leering) She’s not so little these days, mum.

DAME T: Roll your tongue back in Simon.

RED: Would you like me to take Daisy for a walk Mrs Trott?

DAME T: No dear, I’m selling her.

RED: Selling Daisy! But why?

DAME T: To pay our rent.

RED: What about Simon?

DAME T: I did consider that, but I think I’ll get more for Daisy.

RED: I meant, can’t Simon get a job and earn some money?

DAME T: You must be joking. He can never hold a job down. His last one was painting white lines down the middle of the road. The first week he did 18 miles, the second week 10 miles and the third week, 4 miles. So, they sacked him.

RED: How come you painted less each week Simon?

SIMON: The paint tin was getting further way.

DAME T: And before that, he had a job making doorknobs and got sacked after only one day.

RED: How come?

SIMON: I couldn’t handle it.

RED: Don’t either of you have any savings?

DAME T: I spent all mine on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I tell you what, never again.

SIMON: And I signed up to an expensive escapologist course and I’m struggling to get out of it.

DAME T: Then our TV was repossessed right in the middle of watching The Exorcist.

SIMON: And I’ve spent our last tenner on another telly from Curry’s.

RED: You bought a telly for a tenner!?

SIMON: Yes. It said, ‘Telly for a tenner, volume stuck on full’. I thought, I can’t turn that down.

DAME T: I don’t want to sell Daisy, but I have no choice. Besides, it’s not easy keeping an incontinent cow in a basement flat.

SIMON: Not to mention downright messy.

SFX: Loud mooing.

RED: It sounds like Daisy’s ready for her breakfast.

DAME T: I’d better go and make her last meal.

SIMON: Last meal!?

DAME T: Before the abattoir truck arrives. (exits SL bawling)

SIM & RED: Abattoir!

SIMON: I can’t bear to think of Daisy as a Big Mac. I’d better try and talk mum out of it. Bye Red! (exits at a run SL)

RED: Poor Daisy.

Enter Prince Charming at a run (SR) he stops (CS) to catch his breath.

PRINCE: I can’t keep this up for much longer.

RED: Prince Charming!

PRINCE: I can’t stop Red, I’m on the run from Baron Hardup’s ugly stepdaughters.

RED: Why are Zoflora and Vileda chasing you?

PRINCE: The glass slipper fitted Vileda, and now she expects me to honour my promise of marrying whoever it fitted.

RED: But how come they’re both after you?

PRINCE: They believe in sisters sharing everything, and that includes me.

RED: What are you going to do?

PRINCE: I’m thinking of escaping to the human world above.

RED: I’ve heard it’s terrible up there. Global warming, rising sea-levels, plastic pollution. Not to mention Donald Trump

PRINCE: Donald Trump?

RED: I told you not to mention him.

PRINCE: At least I’ll be safe from the Uglies.

UGLIES: (shouts off) Princey-poo! Where are you?

PRINCE: It’s them! If they ask, you haven’t seen me.

RED: My lips are sealed.

PRINCE: Thanks Red! (exits at a run SR)

Enter Uglies at a run (SL)

VILEDA: Which way did he go?

RED: Who?

ZOFLORA: Prince Charming!

VILEDA: We know he was here just now.

RED: What makes you think that?

ZOFLORA: We can smell his royal aftershave.

VILEDA: That’s because we have noses like bloodhounds.

RED: (aside to audience) And faces to match.

ZOFLORA: (calls behind) Hurry up slowcoach!

Enter Cinders (SL) struggling with two large suitcases.

CINDERS: These cases weigh a ton!

VILEDA: Stop moaning, lazybones!

CINDERS: I’m not lazy. I’m just dead beat.

ZOFLORA: You’re a deadbeat all right.

VILEDA: And ugly with it.

CINDERS: What’s in these cases anyway?

ZOFLORA: They’re full of stuff we need to seduce the Prince.

VILEDA: Makeup.

ZOFLORA: Perfume.

VILEDA: See-through nighties.

ZOFLORA: Champagne.

RED: Chloroform?

VILEDA: I don’t need Chloroform. I’ll knock him out with my ravishing beauty.

ZOFLORA: Your stinky breath more like.

VILEDA: You can talk! Yours could curdle milk!

ZOFLORA: And yours could strip paint!

VILEDA: You’re just jealous because the glass slipper fitted me!

CINDERS: I wasn’t even given the chance to try on the glass slipper.

ZOFLORA: That’s because you weren’t at the royal ball.

CINDERS: And neither of you wore glass slippers to it.

VILEDA: How would you know if you weren’t there?

CINDERS: Well, I…

ZOFLORA: That’s stumped you, hasn’t it?

VILEDA: Let’s hurry up and find the Prince, Zoflora. My body clock’s ticking faster than a stopwatch on steroids.

ZOFLORA: I think mine needs resetting.

VILEDA: And keep up with us this time Cinderella.

RED: You can’t expect Cinders to keep up with you, carrying those heavy cases.

ZOFLORA: Who asked you, wolf bait?

VILEDA: Let’s go sis’!

Exit Uglies at a run (SR)

RED: Poor Charming. Fancy having those menopausal maniac’s hot on your trail. I wonder who that glass slipper really belongs to.

CINDERS: It belongs to me, Red. But I daren’t let on that I was secretly at the ball

RED: How come you lost it?

CINDERS: It came off when I ran away at midnight.

RED: Why did you run away at midnight?

CINDERS: It’s a long story that probably belongs in a whole other panto.

RED: But how come it fitted Vileda?

CINDERS: Beats me, but I’m stuck with it.

UGLIES: (shouts off) Cinderella!

CINDERS: Bye Red! (exits SR with cases)

SFX: Wolf howl.

RED: It sounds like the Big Bad Wolf’s on my trail. I tried getting an anti-stalking order against him, but apparently it only applies to people and not vicious wild animals. I’d better scarper. Goodbye! (exits SR)

Enter Wolf (SL)

WOLF: I’ll get you Red Riding Hood, or my name isn’t The Big Bad Wolf! Music cue 4: Wolf. (Chorus can join in if so wished) After song ends…Exit Wolf.

SFX: Loud mooing, crashing sounds and a long squelchy fart.

Enter Dame Trott (SL)

DAME T: Daisy didn’t take the news well, and I’ve decided to forget the abattoir and let Simon sell her instead. Even an idiot’s not likely to swap her for a bag of beans now, is he? I’d better go and clean up the mess Daisy left on my carpet. Although it’ll probably leave a nasty brown stain. (exits SL)

Music cue 5: Enter Dum (SR) followed by Dee who keeps 2 metres away.

DUM: Hiya folks! I’m Tweddledum!

DEE: And I’m Tweedledee!

DUM: And we’re both twins, as you can see.

DEE: The reason we’re keeping this far apart.

DUM: Is because one of us has just done a big…

DEE: Oi! Family show!

DUM: I thought panto was all about bad jokes and toilet humour.

DEE: Yes, but the King told us to keep our noses clean after that trouble with Gothel.

DUM: But we explained that she threatened us into working for her.

DEE: Which is why he gave us community service instead of banishing us too.

DUM: Do you think Gothel will ever return to Pantoland.

DEE: I hope not.

DUM: If so, we’ll tell her straight. We’re not working for you again, you evil witch.

DEE: Like somebody once said – we’d rather die in a ditch.

Enter Gothel (SL)

GOTHEL: That can be arranged.

DUM & DEE: Gothel!

DEE: It’s great to have you back home again, boss isn’t it Dum?

DUM: It certainly is. Dee. We’ve really missed you not ordering us about.

GOTHEL: What was that about dying in a ditch again?

DEE: That was just a ruse to throw off anybody who might dob us into the King.

DUM: That’s right.

GOTHEL: So, you’re both happy to work for me again?

DUM & DEE: Absolutely!

GOTHEL: Good! Because it’s time to make Old King Cole pay for exiling me.

DEE: How much are we going ask for?

DUM: I reckon we ask for gazillions.

GOTHEL: I’m not after his money! I just want to get my hands on his oracle.

DEE: Is that allowed in panto?

DUM: How are you going to get your hands on the King’s thingy?

GOTHEL: You will both sneak inside the palace and steal it for me.

DEE: But if somebody recognises us, we might end up being exiled from Pantoland!

GOTHEL: Then you’d better make sure that nobody recognises you.

DUM: And how do we do that?

GOTHEL: Why must I think of everything?

DEE: Because you told us never to think for ourselves, and just obey your orders.

GOTHEL: Just disguise yourselves as royal footmen.

DUM: The royals have men to look after their feet?

DEE: Royals have servants to do everything for them.

DUM: Even…(whispers)?

DEE: No, I’m pretty sure they use toilet-paper like normal people.

DUM: But we don’t know where the oracle’s kept.

GOTHEL: It’s kept in the throne room.

DEE: They keep it in the loo?

GOTHEL: Not that throne room! The other throne room!

DUM: I hope it’s on the ground floor.

DEE: Why’s that then?

DUM: I have a phobia of lifts and take steps to avoid them.

DEE: I suppose you’d have to, really.

GOTHEL: The throne room is on the ground floor.

DUM: I wonder where we can get some footmen outfits?

DEE: I saw a couple hanging in up the dressing room earlier.

DUM: That makes things a lot easier, doesn’t it?

GOTHEL: And remember to keep at least two metres apart.

DEE: What for?

GOTHEL: Because I’ve just unleashed a nasty virus on Pantoland.

DUM: What’s a virus?

GOTHEL: It’s something that humans catch. It makes them ill and can prove fatal.

DEE: But we’re not human, so it won’t bother us, will it?

GOTHEL: Normally, no. But my evil virus has been magically altered to infect not only humans, but everyone in Pantoland. Once everybody is incapacitated, I will overthrow Old King Cole and rule Pantoland as its new Queen.

DUM: But won’t the virus also infect us?

GOTHEL: Not me. Witches are immune to their own magic spells.

DEE: But what about me and Dum? We don’t want to be laid low.

DUM: Well, lower than we already are.

GOTHEL: If you don’t want to catch it, here’s what you must do. First – wash regular.

DEE: Not all over I hope.

DUM: We both had a bath in August.

GOTHEL: Just your hands will do. Secondly – don’t touch your face.

DEE: Bang goes picking your nose and eating it, Dum.

DUM: And you squeezing your puss-filled spots, Dee.

GOTHEL: And lastly – keep at least two metres apart from everybody and each other.

DEE: Suits me. Especially considering the amount of baked beans Dum eats.

DUM: I love baked beans. I’ve even written a poem about them – listen.

I love baked beans, they’re such a treat,

They’re really yummy things to eat.

Whenever I’m hungry they fill my belly,

But my favourite beans are the ones made of jelly.

GOTHEL: Idiot! Go and steal the oracle and don’t fail me, or else.

DUM & DEE: Yes, boss! (exit SR)

GOTHEL: (to audience) Make the most of this panto, for it will be your last! (exits SL)

Enter Fairy (SR)

FAIRY: Hello boys and girls, it’s me again,

Witch Gothel is proving to be a pain.

But don’t let her get you in a state,

For her evil virus I will eradicate. (exits SR)

Blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up.