Panto Mania (Perusal)

Scene One

Panto Town

Backcloth, mews row. Music cue 3: Chorus.

After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Music cue 4: Enter Little Red Riding Hood (SR)

Red (to audience) Hello everybody, and welcome to Pantoland. I trust you’ll enjoy your stay. I’m Little Red Riding Hood, and I’m here to see if Dame Trott wants me to take her cow Daisy for her daily walk.

Enter Dame Trott (SL) brandishing a rolling-pin.

Dame Trott Clear off you noisy nuisances!

Red Good morning Dame Trott.

Dame Trott Hello Red! What was that awful racket I heard just now? It sounded like X-Factor auditions.

Red It was probably some buskers, Mrs T.

Dame Trott Thank goodness for that. For a moment, I thought our cow Daisy was ill. Speaking of buskers. I was in town the other day and saw a busker playing Dancing Queen on his didgeridoo. I thought, that’s Abba-riginal. And somebody complimented me on my driving. They left a little note on my windscreen that said, parking fine.

Red I think that means you must pay a fine, Mrs T.

Dame Trott Pay a fine? What for?

Red You can’t park on double yellow lines.

Dame Trott Nonsense dear. I managed it all right.

Red Would you like me to take Daisy for her daily walk, Mrs T?

Dame Trott Normally I’d say, yes. But I’m a bit sad today. (elicit sympathy) I’m sadder than that! Due to lockdown, I can’t afford to pay my rent and I’ve been threatened with eviction.

Red How awful for you.

Dame Trott It’s partly my own fault, for spending all my life savings on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I tell you what, never again. I also signed up to an escapologist course and I’m struggling to get out of it. And to top it all, my TV was repossessed right in the middle of me watching The Exorcist. But then I saw a notice in Curry’s that said, Telly for a tenner, volume stuck on full. I thought, I can’t turn that down.

Red It’s all Witch Covid’s fault, for releasing a virus that everybody in Pantoland can catch.

Dame Trott There’s only one thing for it. I’m going to have to sell Daisy.

Red Sell Daisy! You’re not serious are you Mrs. T, surely?

Dame. Trott I haven’t any choice. If I don’t pay my rent by today, we’ll be out on the streets.

Red But what about Jack and Simon?

Dame Trott I did consider that, but I doubt I’d get much for them.

Red No. I meant, can’t they earn some money to help you with the rent?

Dame Trott You must be joking. Jack’s too lazy to even blow his own nose. He just sticks it out the window and lets the wind blow it for him. And Simon’s IQ is lower than Daisy’s. His last job was painting white lines down the middle of the road. The first week he did 18 miles, the second week 10 miles and the third week, 4 miles.

Red How come he painted less each week?

Dame Trott He said the paint tin was getting further way. And Jack’s just as hopeless. He got a job with a company making doorknobs and left after just one day.

Red How come?

Dame Trott He couldn’t handle it. (to audience) Think about it.

Red But Daisy’s been with you through good times and bad.

Dame Trott Mostly bad.

Red Thick and thin.

Dame Trott Mostly thick. I don’t want to sell her, but I’ve no alternative. Besides, it’s not easy keeping a cow in a town house basement flat. Not to mention downright unhygienic. If my husband hadn’t run off with that contortionist, leaving me destitute. I’d still have a dairy to run. The hussy bent over backwards to lure him away from me.

Red Speaking of Mr Trott.

Dame Trott Who was?

Red You were, just now.

Dame Trott That was a slip of the tongue, Red. I don’t like talking about that waster.

Red But you must’ve loved him once.

Dame Trott I did love him once. Twice actually. And look what it got me.

Red What did it get you?

Dame Trott Jack and Simon. But I won’t dwell on the past. What’s done is done.

SFX: Loud mooing.

Red It sounds like Daisy’s ready for her breakfast.

Dame Trott I’d better go and make her last meal, before ringing the abattoir. (exits bawling)

Red Poor Mrs T. And worse still, poor Daisy!

Enter King Boris at a run (SR) he stops (CS) to catch his breath.

King I don’t think I can keep this up for very much longer.

Red King Boris! Are you helping Prince Charming find the girl who lost the glass slipper?

King No, Red. I’m on the run from one of Baron Hardup’s ugly stepdaughters.

Red How come?

King The glass slipper fitted her, and now she expects Charming to honour his promise of marrying whoever the slipper fitted.

Red A promise is a promise your majesty.

King Charming thinks she tricked him somehow, but he can’t prove it and went into hiding.

Red Then why is she after you?

King She thinks I know where Charming is hiding and will try and force it out of me

Red You can’t hide from her forever your majesty. Pantoland is smaller than Monaco.

King I know. Which is why I’m thinking of escaping to the human world above.

Red I’ve heard it’s terrible up there. Global warming. Air-pollution. Plastic in the seas. Not to mention Donald Trump

King Donald Trump?

Red I told you not to mention him.

King At least there I’ll be safe from the ugly one.

Uglies (shouts off) Boris!

King It’s her! I’m off! If she asks, you haven’t seen me – okay?

Red My lips are sealed, your majesty.

King Thanks, Red. (exits at a run SR)

Enter Listeria at a run (SL)

Listeria Which way did he go?

Red Who?

Listeria King Boris, of course! I know he was here just now.

Red What makes you think that?

Listeria I can still smell his royal aftershave. (sniffs) I have a nose like a bloodhound.

Red (aside to audience) And a face to match.

Listeria (calls behind) Hurry up slowcoach!

Enter Cinderella (SL) dressed in rags and struggling with two large suitcases.

Cinderella I’m sorry Listeria, but these cases are getting too heavy to carry.

Listeria Stop moaning, you lazy wimp!

Cinderella I’m not lazy. I’m just dead beat.

Listeria You’re a deadbeat all right, and ugly with it. Prince Charming escaped a bullet there.

Cinderella What’s in these cases anyway?

Listeria They’re full of stuff I need to seduce the Prince. Makeup, perfume, see-through nightie, Champagne…

Red…Chloroform?

Listeria I don’t need Chloroform. I’ll knock him out with my ravishing beauty.

Red So, you’re the ugly sis…I mean, the one who the glass slipper fitted?

Listeria Yes. My sister, Salmonella, hoped to trick the Prince into marrying her instead. But I outsmarted her.

Cinderella So, you did trick the Prince after all?

Listeria The glass slipper fitted me. Get over it, loser. You remind me a bit of Salmonella.

Cinderella In what way?

Listeria You both make me sick.

Red (to audience) Pot and kettle spring to mind here.

Listeria (to Cinders) Let’s go, guttersnipe. And make sure you keep up with me this time.

Red You can’t expect Cinders to keep up with you, carrying those big heavy cases.

Listeria Who asked you, wolf bait?

Red That’s not funny, Listeria.

Listeria Not as funny as your stupid name, granted.

Red What’s wrong with my name?

Listeria Little Red Riding Hood? What kind of a name is that for a girl?

Red At least it doesn’t sound like a mouthwash. (wafts) But you could certainly use some.

Listeria I can’t waste time talking to an idiot. My body clock’s ticking faster than a stopwatch on steroids. I must find the Prince before it’s too late. Follow me Cinders. (exits SR)

Red Poor Prince. Fancy having that menopausal maniac hot on your trail. I wonder who that glass slipper really belongs to.

Cinderella It belongs to me, Red.

Red You, Cinders!?

Cinderella Yes. I lost it after fleeing the royal ball at midnight.

Red Why did you flee the royal ball at midnight?

Cinderella It’s a long story that probably belongs in another panto.

Red But how come the glass slipper fitted Listeria?

Cinderella Beats me. But I’m stuck with it now.

Uglies (shouts off) Cinderella! Move it, or else!

Cinderella I’d better go. Bye Red. (exits SR with cases)

Red Cinderella the Panto? (to audience) I can’t see that working, can you?

SFX: Wolf howl.

Red It sounds like the Big Bad Wolf is on my trail. He stalks me 24/7 you know. I tried taking out an anti-stalking order against him, but apparently it only applies to people and not to vicious wild animals.

SFX: Wolf howl.

Red It sounds like he’s getting closer. I’d better be off. Bye boys and girls! (exits SR)

SFX: Loud mooing, crashing sounds, breaking glass and a long squelchy fart.

Enter Dame Trott (SL)

Dame Trott Daisy didn’t take the news well and threw a tantrum. Anyway, I’ve had a rethink about the abattoir, and I’ve decided to let Jack sell Daisy instead. I considered letting Simon sell her. But knowing him, he’d probably swap her for a bag of beans. At least I can trust Jack to find her a good home and she won’t end up as a giant burger. It’s almost lunchtime and the boys will be getting up soon. I’d better go and clean up the mess daisy left on my carpet. Although it’ll probably leave a nasty brown stain. (exits SL)

Music cue 5: Enter Track (SR) followed by Trace who keeps 2 metres distance.

Track Hiya folks! I’m Track!

Trace And I’m Trace!

Track And we’re both twins.

Trace Which is really ace.

Track The reason we’re keeping this far apart.

Trace Is because one of us has just done a big…

Track…Sister please! Family show!

Trace But I thought panto was all about bad jokes and toilet humour.

Track It is. But the King ordered us to keep our noses clean after that bit of trouble with Witch Covid.

Trace But we explained that she threatened us into working for her.

Track I know. Which is why he didn’t punish us in the end.

Trace Thank goodness she was banished from Pantoland, that’s all I can say.

Track Do you think she’ll ever return?

Trace If she does, we’ll tell her straight. We’re not working for you ever again, you evil witch.

Track Like somebody once said, we’d rather die in a ditch.

Enter Witch Covid (SL)

Witch That can easily be arranged.

Track/Trace Witch Covid!

Trace It’s wonderful to have you back home again, boss. Isn’t it Track?

Track It certainly is. Trace.

Trace We’ve really missed you not ordering us about, boss.

Witch What was that about dying in a ditch rather than work for me again?

Track That was just to throw off anybody who might happen to overhear us.

Trace Otherwise they might dob us in to the King.

Witch So, you’re both happy to work for me again?

Track/Trace Absolutely!

Witch Good! Because it’s time to make King Boris pay for exiling me.

Track How much are we going ask for?

Trace I reckon we ask for gazillions.

Witch I’m not after his stinking money! I just want to get my hands on his oracle.

Track Is that allowed in panto?

Witch It’s a magical item with immense power, which I will use to take over not only Pantoland, but the human world also.

Trace What will you do with the human world, boss?

Witch I’ll take what I want from it, and then destroy it.

Track Humans seem to be doing a pretty good job of that themselves, boss.

Witch Spare me the social commentary.

Trace How are you going to get your hands on the King’s thingy?

Witch You will both sneak inside the royal palace and steal it for me.

Track Aren’t you coming with us then?

Witch What’s the point in owning a dog and barking yourself?

Trace But if somebody recognises us, the King might banish us from Pantoland.

Witch Then you’d best make sure that nobody recognises you.

Track And how do we do that?

Witch Why must I think of everything?

Trace Because you told us never to think for ourselves.

Track You said we were to blindly obey your orders, or else.

Witch Just disguise yourselves as royal footmen and you’ll be able to walk right in.

Trace The royals have men to look after their feet?

Track Royals have servants to do everything for them.

Trace Even, you-know-what?

Track No. I’m sure they use Andrex like most people.

Witch Once inside the palace, it should be easy to steal the magic oracle.

Trace But we don’t know where it’s kept, boss.

Witch It’s always kept in the throne room.

Track They keep it in the toilet?

Witch Not that throne room! The other throne room!

Trace I hope it’s on the ground floor.

Track Why’s that then?

Trace I’m terrified of lifts and take steps to avoid them.

Track I suppose you’d have to, really.

Witch Don’t worry, it’s on the ground floor.

Trace Where can we get footmen outfits?

Track I saw a couple hanging in up the changing room earlier.

Trace Well that makes things a lot easier, doesn’t it?

Witch And remember to keep at least two metres apart from everybody and each other.

Track What for?

Witch Because I have just unleashed a nasty virus on Pantoland.

Trace What’s a virus?

Witch It’s something that humans catch. It makes them ill and can sometimes prove fatal.

Track But we’re not human, so it won’t bother us, will it?

Witch Normally, no. But my evil Coronavirus has been magically altered to infect not only humans, but everybody in Pantoland. It will lay low King and commoner alike. And when Pantoland’s army is incapacitated, I will march into the palace and take it over.

Trace But won’t the virus lay us low also?

Witch Not me. All witches are immune to their own magic spells.

Track But what about us? We don’t want to catch it and become low.

Trace Well, lower than we already are.

Witch If you don’t want to catch it, then here’s what you must do. First, wash regular.

Track Not all over, surely.

Trace We both had a bath in August.

Witch Just your hands will do. Secondly. Don’t touch your face.

Track Bang goes picking your nose and eating it, Trace.

Trace And you squeezing your puss-filled spots all over the bathroom mirror.

Witch Lastly. Keep at least two metres distance from others and each other.

Track Suits me, the amount of baked beans Trace keeps eating.

Trace I love baked beans.

I’ve even written a poem about them, listen.

I love baked beans, they’re such a treat,

They’re really yummy things to eat.

Whenever I’m hungry they fill my belly,

But my favourite beans are the ones made of jelly.

Witch Idiot! Get going both of you! And don’t fail me, or it will be the worse for you.

Track/Trace Yes, boss! (exit both SR)

Witch This panto will be a bad one for goodies and a good one for baddies! (exits SL)