Music cue 1: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…
Enter Handy Andy [SL] carrying a tool-bag.
ANDY: Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Handy Andy, I’m the handyman for Tumbledown Village. There’s nothing I can’t fix, so, every time I come on and shout. Can I fix it? I want you all to shout back. Yes, you can! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. [shouts] Can I fix it? Some of you don’t seem too sure. Let’s try it again. Can I fix it? That was much better.
CHORUS 1: Where are you working today, Andy?
ANDY: I’m working at Tumbledown Orphanage.
CHORUS 2: Doing what?
ANDY: Old Mother Hubbard’s having trouble with her plumbing.
CHORUS 3: Maybe she ought to see a doctor instead.
ANDY: I meant her water pipes! I’m just going to check the old boiler over.
CHORUS 1: Don’t let her hear you calling her that.
ANDY: I wasn’t! Even though she is.
CHORUS 2: We think she fancies you like mad.
ANDY: And I’d have to be mad to fancy her.
CHORUS 3: You’ll be lucky if you get out alive Andy.
Exit Chorus laughing.
ANDY: They could be right. The last time I went there, Mother Hubbard locked the door and wouldn’t let me go until I’d given her a kiss. I told her to close her eyes and pucker up and used my sink plunger on her lips instead. Now she thinks I’m the best kisser in town and fancies me even more. Oh well, I suppose I’d better get to the orphanage. See you later folks. [exits SR]
Music cue 2: Enter Demon [SL]
DEMON: Fairy Good cannot stop me,
From causing pain and misery.
Enter Squire Gambit [SR] wailing.
SQUIRE: Woe is me! I’ve gambled away all my money, and now I’m ruined!
DEMON: Had a bit of bad luck, friend?
SQUIRE: I never have anything else.
DEMON: Well, your luck is about to change for the better.
SQUIRE: What are you talking about?
DEMON: I’m about to grant you three wishes.
SQUIRE: I think you’re in the wrong panto, pal. Genies only appear in Aladdin.
DEMON: You don’t want your three wishes then?
SQUIRE: I didn’t say that now, did I?
DEMON: Then what would you like for your first wish?
SQUIRE: I’d like an inexhaustible supply of cash.
DEMON: No problem. [hands him a small purse] Here you are.
SQUIRE: It won’t take long to spend whatever’s inside this little purse.
DEMON: That is no ordinary purse. It’s a magic purse which never empties.
SQUIRE: You’re having me on. There’s no such thing as a purse that never empties.
DEMON: Reach inside and see what’s there.
SQUIRE: [takes out a £10 note] A measly ten pounds! That won’t go far. [turns purse inside out] I thought you said it never empties.
DEMON: Look again.
SQUIRE: [takes out another £10] Another ten pounds! Maybe it is magic after all.
DEMON: I told you so, didn’t I. And for your second wish?
SQUIRE: I’d like to own a great big mansion.
DEMON: [clicks fingers] Done. You are now the proud owner of Buckingham Palace.
SQUIRE: But doesn’t the Queen live there?
DEMON: Not anymore. [produces deeds] Here are the deeds to it.
DEMON: And for your third and final wish?
SQUIRE: Let me see now. I have an inexhaustible supply of cash, plus Buckingham Palace. All I need now, is a sexy young wife to make my life complete.
DEMON: I’m afraid I can’t make anybody fall in love with you.
DEMON: Who mentioned anything about love?
SQUIRE: Very well. You will meet your heart’s desire today – the rest is up to you.
SQUIRE: I can’t wait! But why are you doing all this for me?
DEMON: I’m a random good deed doer, and you look like you need a break.
SQUIRE: You’re right I do, and this is even better than winning the lottery.
DEMON: And as an added bonus. [produces deeds] Here are the deeds to Old Mother Hubbard’s orphanage, with your name on them.
SQUIRE: What do I want with a rundown orphanage?
DEMON: It might help you persuade the object of your desire, to marry you. Goodbye, and may your new-found wealth, bring you your just desserts. [exits SL]
SQUIRE: I’m normally a decent sort, but the chance of money and power, does alter one’s morality somewhat. I’ll just go and check out my new pad. [hails] Taxi!
Enter Bump and Grind in a cut-out taxi [SR] Enter a daydreaming Megan [SL] who wanders in front of them causing them to halt suddenly.
SFX: Tyres screeching.
GRIND: Mind where you’re going, Miss!
MEGAN: I’m so sorry, I must have been daydreaming.
SQUIRE: I saw everything my dear, and it was their fault entirely.
BUMP & GRIND: [exiting taxi] Oh no, it wasn’t!
SQUIRE: Oh yes, it was!
BUMP & GRIND: Oh no, it wasn’t!
SQUIRE: [to Megan] Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Squire Gambit.
MEGAN: Pleased to meet you, Squire. I’m Megan.
SQUIRE: [leering] Well, Megan. Can I offer you a lift somewhere…anywhere?
MEGAN: No thanks. Mother Hubbard warned me never to accept lifts from strangers.
SQUIRE: You’re one of Mother Hubbard’s orphans?
MEGAN: Yes, I lost my parents when I was only a baby.
BUMP: That’s really sad, isn’t it Grind?
GRIND: I know how she feels. I lost my parents when I was young.
BUMP: They died?
GRIND: No, they moved house and forgot to tell me.