Merlin The Spellbinding Panto

SCENE ONE

CAMELOT TOWN

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]

Enter Sir Dancelot and Sir Real [SL]

SIR REAL: It’s wonderful living here in Camelot, isn’t it Sir Dancelot?

SIR DANCELOT: It certainly is, Sir Real. The court of King Arthur is a splendid place, where knights are bold, and the women are chaste.

[female shrieks off] Aaaah!

SIR REAL: And sometimes caught. [laughs]

[female off] Take that, you silly old knight!

SFX: Loud thwack.

Enter Sir Loin [SR] rubbing his jaw.

SIR LOIN: When did girls suddenly develop a good right hook?

SIR DANCELOT: Still doing your impersonation of a Neanderthal, Sir Loin?

SIR LOIN: Old habits die hard Dancers.

SIR REAL: It’s time you embraced the modern world Sir Loin.

SIR LOIN: But we’re still in the middle ages old chap.

SIR DANCELOT: That’s as maybe, but King Arthur is determined to bring in gender equality.

SIR LOIN: I won’t argue with anything good King Arthur does.

SIR REAL: What daring adventures shall we get up to today, chaps?

SIR LOIN: We could play knock-and-run on old Merlin’s door.

SIR DANCELOT: That’s not exactly daring, is it?

SIR REAL: Oh, I don’t know. If Merlin ever caught us he might change us into toads.

SIR LOIN: Give over. The old fool can barely change into his PJ’s these days.

SIR DANCELOT: Well, there aren’t any dragons to slay or damsels in distress to rescue.

SIR REAL: Knock and run it is then. Follow me chaps.

Exit Knights [SL]

Enter Dame Gertie [SR]

GERTIE: Hello boys and girls! I’m Gertie Godiva – no relation – and I’m King Arthur’s royal housekeeper. He only became king after pulling some old sword out of a lump of rock, which is a strange way to pick your ruler. Anyway, as a member of the royal household, I must be addressed accordingly. So, every time I come on and shout hello boys and girls! You must all shout, all hail our most gracious and beautiful, Dame Gertie of Camelot. Okay? I’ll go off and come back on and see if you can remember it. [exits and re-enters] Scratch that and just shout, hello Gertie, instead.

Music cue 2: Enter Merlin [SR]

MERLIN: Good morning, Gertie!

GERTIE: [to audience] This is Merlin, King Arthur’s favourite magician.

MERLIN: I’m his only magician Gertie.

GERTIE: For now.

MERLIN: What do you mean?

GERTIE: I’ve heard Harry Potter’s name mentioned around the royal court recently.

MERLIN: I’m not worried Gertie, me and King Arthur are like that. [crosses fingers]

GERTIE: There’s real a buzz about Camelot this morning, Merlin.

MERLIN: Is something important going on then?

GERTIE: No, somebody’s knocked over the royal beehive. [laughs]

MERLIN: I wonder if you could get hold of something for me, Gertie.

GERTIE: You should be so lucky.

MERLIN: I had it in my hand earlier, and now I can’t seem to find it.

GERTIE: Don’t worry dear, it happens to most men sooner or later.

MERLIN: I remember taking it out this morning and placing it on the kitchen table.

GERTIE: I must remember to give that a good scrub later. So, what have you lost then, apart from your marbles?

MERLIN: My Big Book Of Magic Spells seems to have disappeared.

GERTIE: Fancy that. A magic spell book, disappearing.

MERLIN: I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t find it.

GERTIE: Just buy another one from W H Smith.

MERLIN: You can’t buy a magic book from W H Smith!

GERTIE: Yes, you can. I bought all my Harry Potter books from there.

MERLIN: That’s only make-believe magic.

GERTIE: It’s all make-believe if you ask me.

MERLIN: Don’t you believe in magic, Gertie?

GERTIE: Of course, not. It’s all a load of mumbo-jumbo.

MERLIN: I’ll bet all the boys and girls believe in magic. Don’t you boys and girls?

GERTIE: They can believe what they like, but nothing will convince me.

MERLIN: I’m offering a fortune to anybody who finds my magic spell book.

GERTIE: How much?

MERLIN: 50p.

GERTIE: 50p! I thought you said you were offering a fortune.

MERLIN: 50p in the 14th century is a fortune.

GERTIE: I’m sure it’ll re-appear, sooner or later. Tell me, what do you think of my new slim figure? [posing] I’m on this brilliant new dark-ages diet.

MERLIN: What does it entail then?

GERTIE: It entails eating all your meals in the dark.

MERLIN: And does it work?

GERTIE: Yes because most of it ends up on the floor.

MERLIN: Keep it up and one day you might actually fit that dress.

GERTIE: Cheek! This new diet has helped me get rid of all my fat cells.

MERLIN: Well, I think they’ve just come back for their annual reunion.

GERTIE: Watch it, or I’ll stick your wand where the sun doesn’t shine!

Enter Sir Dancelot, Sir Real and Sir Loin at a run [SL]

KNIGHTS: The King is coming! The King is coming!

Music cue 3: Enter King Arthur [SR]

KING ARTHUR: Good morning everyone!

ALL: Good morning your majesty!

KING ARTHUR: I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning, Sir Loin.

SIR LOIN: Thank you, your majesty.

KING ARTHUR: Although I did spot you, Sir Dancelot.

SIR DANCELOT: I’ll try and do better next time sire. [does a little dance]