Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…They exit (SR) Sir Real and Sir Dancelot enter (SL)
Sir Real It’s wonderful living here in Camelot, isn’t it Sir Dancelot?
Sir Dancelot It certainly is, Sir Real. (dances) The court of King Arthur is a splendid place, where the knights are bold and the women are chaste.
A female Villager shrieks and runs on (SR) chased by Sir Loin.
Sir Loin Ha-ha-ha! (grabs her) Got you, you saucy wench!
Villager Take your hands of me, you silly old knight! (bops him on the head and exits SR)
Sir Dancelot I’m surprised you’re still chasing girls at your age, Sir Loin.
Sir Loin I can’t help it Dancers. The girls in Camelot are so dashed lovely!
Sir Real And none more so than our own dear, Lady Guinevere.
Sir Dancelot Sir Loin had better not chase after her, or he’ll have King Arthur to deal with.
Sir Loin I wouldn’t dream of it Dancers old bean.
Sir Real I wonder what exciting and daring adventures awaits us today, chaps.
Sir Loin Huh! The most exciting thing we’ve done recently, is playing knock and run on old Merlin’s door. And that’s not exactly daring, is it?
Sir Dancelot Oh, I don’t know though. If Merlin ever caught us, he might change us into toads.
Sir Real Give over. The silly old fool can barely change into his PJ’s these days.
Music cue 2: Merlin enters (SR)
Merlin Good day, Sir Knights!
Sir Loin Merlin! We were just talking about you.
MerlinAll good I hope.
Sir Dancelot Absolutely! We wouldn’t speak ill of King Arthur’s favourite magician. Would we lads?
Real & Loin (shake heads slowly) Noooo!
Merlin Favourite, magician? Surely, I’m his only magician. Unless you’ve heard differently?
Sir Dancelot Well, we did hear the name Harry Potter, mentioned. Just after the King had called you a bumbling old barmpot.
Merlin I don’t believe you!
Sir Dancelot Suit yourself. Come along chaps, we have knightly deeds to do.
Knights exit (SR)
Dame Gertie (shouts off) Watch where you’re going! (enters SR) Ooooh! It’s busier than Paddington Station, back there. There’s a real buzz about the palace this morning.
Merlin Why? Is something important going on?
Dame Gertie No, someone’s knocked over the royal beehive. (laughs) And how are you today?
Merlin Not very good, Gertie. I wonder if you could lay your hands on something for me.
Dame Gertie You should be so lucky.
Merlin I had it in my hand earlier, and now I can’t seem to find it.
Dame Gertie Don’t worry dear, it happens to most men sooner or later.
Merlin I remember taking it out this morning and placing it on the kitchen table.
Dame Gertie I must remember to give that a good scrub later. So, what have you lost then – apart from your marbles?
Merlin My Big Book Of Magic Spells. It seems to have completely disappeared.
Dame Gertie (to audience) Fancy that. A magic spell book…disappearing.
Merlin I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t find it.
Dame Gertie Can’t you just buy another one from W H Smith?
Merlin You can’t buy a magic book from W H Smith!
Dame Gertie ’Course you can. I once bought a Harry Potter book from there.
Merlin That’s only make-believe magic.
Dame Gertie It’s all make-believe if you ask me.
Merlin Don’t you believe in magic then, Gertie?
Dame Gertie Of course, not. If you ask me, it’s all a lot of mumbo-jumbo.
Merlin I’ll bet all the boys and girls believe in magic. (to audience) Don’t you boys and girls? (audience respond) See?
Dame Gertie They can believe what they like. But nothing will convince me.
Merlin I’m offering a fortune to anyone who finds my book.
Dame Gertie How much?
Dame Gertie 50p! I thought you said you were offering a fortune?
Merlin 50p in the 14th century is a fortune.
Dame Gertie I’m sure your magic book will re-appear, sooner or later. Anyway, what do you think of my new slimmer figure? (showing off her figure) I’m on this new dark-ages diet.
Merlin How does that work then?
Dame Gertie It’s quite simple really. You just eat all your meals in the dark.
Merlin And does it work?
Dame Gertie Oh, yes. Most of the food ends up on the floor.
Merlin Keep it up Gertie, and one day you might fit that dress.
Dame Gertie Cheek! This diet has helped me get rid of all my winter fat
Merlin (to audience) And now she only has spring rolls. (wobbles her tummy)
Dame Gertie Gerrroff! Music cue 3: (looking off SR) It’s King Arthur!
Sir Dancelot and the other Knights rush on (SL) Music cue 4: King Arthur enters (SR)
King Arthur Good morning, everyone!
All Good morning, your majesty!
King Arthur I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning, Sir Loin.
Sir Loin Thank you, your majesty. King ArthurAlthough I did manage to spot you, Sir Dancelot.
Sir Dancelot Sorry, sire. I’m sure I’ll do better next time. (does a little dance)
King Arthur Anyway, I’m glad you’re all here, because I must tell you that I’m leaving Camelot.
Sir Real Your majesty is abdicating?
King Arthur No! I’m off hunting for a few days and I want you to mind Camelot while I’m gone.
Sir Loin Why? It’s not going anywhere.
King Arthur No, and I don’t want anybody trying to take over it while I’m away.
Sir Dancelot They’d have to get past us first, your majesty.
Dame Gertie That shouldn’t be too difficult. You lot couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.
Sir Real Yes, we could! (thinks) Unless it was a particularly strong paper bag.
Knights nod and murmur in agreement.
King Arthur Sir Dancelot. You will take charge of Camelot, until I return.
Sir Dancelot It will be an honour your majesty. (sings & dances) #I’ve got those happy feet#
Dame Gertie (to audience) Look at him. Ever since he was selected for Strictly Come Dancing, it’s gone to his head. Or rather, his feet.
King Arthur Sir Loin and Sir Real. I’m charging you both with guarding my castle.
Sir Loin You’re charging us! How much?
King Arthur Nothing! Dame Gertie. You will chaperone Lady Guinevere and protect her virtue.
Dame Gertie Yes, your majesticals. Although personally speaking, I believe that variety is the spice of life. Which is why I’ve been married five times.
Sir Real How come you’ve had that many husbands?
Dame Gertie None of them were spicy enough.
Merlin Would your majesty like me to take charge of something while you’re away?
King Arthur No, everything’s covered. Besides, I know how busy you always are Merlin.
Dame Gertie (to Merlin) Yes. Waving your little wand about all day, must really tire you out.
Merlin A magician’s work is not to be sneezed at, Gertie.
Dame Gertie Except when you scatter Shake and Vac everywhere.
Merlin It’s not Shake And Vac! It’s magic powder!
Sir Dancelot That would explain why the carpet suddenly disappeared.
King Arthur Well, goodbye everyone! Look after Camelot for me! (waves and exits SL)
Sir Loin Never mind Merlin. I’m sure you’ll find something important to look after.
Sir Real Like making sure all the mousetraps are well stocked with cheese.
Knights exit (SL) laughing.
Merlin I’d better carry on searching for my magic spell book. I might need it to protect the kingdom from evil-doers. Those three idiots can’t be relied upon to do it. (exits SR)
Dame Gertie Silly old duffer. (to audience) Allow me to introduce myself properly. I’m Dame Gertie Godiva – no relation to Lady Godiva. Although how she can ride naked through the streets of Coventry in the middle of winter and still call herself a ‘Lady’, I don’t know. That reminds me, I must put up a couple of hat-pegs when I get home. Anyway, I’m King Arthur’s royal housekeeper. I used to be a lady-in-waiting, but I was waiting that long I forgot what I was waiting for. It’s a bit strange how Arthur became King, you know. All he did was pull a rusty old sword out of a lump of rock. But after a bit, he made me a Dame for services rendered, and now I must be addressed accordingly. So, every time I come on you must all shout ‘all hail to our glorious and extremely young and beautiful, Dame Gertie’. Okay? I’ll go off and come back on again and see if you can remember it. (exits and re-enters – audience shout) That’s not going to work, is it? How about you just shout ‘hello ‘hello Gertie’ instead. Let’s give it a try. (repeat business) Well that was disappointing. It was hardly worth the trouble of shortening it. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That’s better.
Chester the Jester enters (SL) carrying a large ‘magic-spell’ book.
Dame Gertie Hello Chester. What’s that big thing you’ve got in your hand?
Chester It’s Merlin’s Big Book Of Magic Spells.
Dame Gertie He’s been looking all over for that. Where did you find it?
Chester In the microwave. I was just about to do some McCain Micro Chips.
Dame Gertie That idiot Merlin must’ve been trying to cook up a new spell. (laughs)
Chester I had a peek inside and look what I found. (produces a note)
Dame Gertie What is it?
Chester It’s an ad for a magician’s assistant. Listen to this. ‘Wanted: Beautiful, slender, sexy and sophisticated lady, to act as assistant to the world’s most famous magician. Apply in writing to Merlin, care of Camelot Castle. Please enclose a recent photo’.
Dame Gertie That’s uncanny, you know. Because that description describes me to a tee.
Chester You ought to go to Specsavers, Gertie.
Dame Gertie Cheek! Everybody says I look just like a film star.
Chester Yes. (aside) E.T. (sniffs) What’s that strange smell?
Dame Gertie It’s my Channel no5.
Chester More like ‘Canal’ no5 if you ask me. (wafting the air) Phwoar!
Dame Gertie It does pack a bit of a wallop, doesn’t it?
Chester Yes. A right uppercut to the hooter.
Dame Gertie I hope you’re not going to be such a tease once we’re married.
Chester What makes you think that we’re getting married?
Dame Gertie (flashing it) This engagement ring you gave me.
Chester You got that ring from a lucky-dip bag!
Dame Gertie And who was it who gave me that lucky-dip bag?
Chester Me. It was a bogof from Tesco and I let you have it as a birthday present.
Dame Gertie That was ever so romantic of you.
Chester How is that romantic?
Dame Gertie Giving a girl an engagement ring, along with her favourite sweeties. How much more romantic can you get?
Dame Gertie Butts are for water and girls are for kissing. Now give us a kiss. (grabs him)
Dame Gertie Don’t fight it darling! We’re destined to be together!
Chester No, we’re not!
Dame Gertie But there’s an electricity between us!
Chester I’m shocked you think that!
Dame Gertie Can’t you feel the strength of my love for you?
Chester I can’t feel anything! I’m going numb!
Dame Gertie I can’t resist you no longer.
Chester Try harder! Anyway, I’m saving myself for Miss Right.
Dame Gertie (releases him and opens her arms) And here I am!
Chester And here I go! (runs off SR)
Dame Gertie Come back here, lover boy! (exits after him)