Merlin The Spellbinding Panto (Perusal)

Scene Three

Camelot Town

Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…Exit Villagers (SR)

Enter Sir Dancealot and Sir Real (SL)

Sir Real It’s wonderful living here in Camelot. Isn’t it, Sir Dancealot?

Sir Dancealot It certainly is, Sir Real. The court of King Arthur is a splendid place, where the knights are bold and the women are chaste. (dances)

Villager (shrieks off) Aaaah!

Enter female Villager at a run (SR) chased by Sir Loin.

Sir Loin Ha-ha-ha! Come here, you saucy wench! (grabs her)

Villager Take your hands of me, you silly old knight! (bops his head and exits SR)

Sir Dancealot I’m surprised you’re still chasing girls at your age, Sir Loin.

Sir Loin I can’t help it Sir Dancealot. The ladies in Camelot are so dashed lovely!

Sir Real And none more so than our own dear, Lady Guinevere.

Sir Dancealot Sir Loin had better not chase after her, or he’ll have King Arthur to answer to.

Sir Loin I wouldn’t dream of it Dancers old bean.

Sir Real I wonder what exciting and daring adventures await us today, chaps.

Sir Loin Huh! The most exciting thing we’ve done recently, is playing knock and run on old Merlin’s door. And that’s not exactly daring, is it?

Sir Dancealot I don’t know though. If Merlin ever caught us, he might change us into toads.

Sir Real Give over. The silly old fool can barely change into his PJ’s these days.

Music cue 2: Enter Merlin (SR)

Merlin Good day, Sir Knights!

Sir Loin Merlin! We were just talking about you.

Merlin All good I hope.

Sir Dancealot Absolutely! We wouldn’t speak ill of King Arthur’s favourite magician. Eh lads?

Sir Real & Sir Loin (shake heads slowly) Noooo.

Merlin Favourite, magician? Surely, I’m his only magician. Unless you’ve heard differently?

Sir Dancealot Well, we did hear the name Harry Potter, mentioned. Just after the King had called you a bumbling old barmpot.

Merlin I don’t believe you.

Sir Dancealot Suit yourself. Come along chaps, we have knightly deeds to do.

Exit Knights (SR)

Dame Gertie (shouts off) Watch where you’re going! (enters SR) Ooooh! It’s busier than Paddington Station, back there. There’s a real buzz about the palace this morning.

MerlinWhy? Is something important going on?

Dame Gertie No, somebody’s knocked over the royal beehive. (laughs)

Merlin I wonder if you could get hold of something for me, Gertie.

Dame Gertie You should be so lucky.

Merlin I had it in my hand earlier, and now I can’t seem to find it.

Dame Gertie Don’t worry dear, it happens to most men sooner or later.

Merlin I remember taking it out this morning and placing it on the kitchen table.

Dame Gertie I must remember to give that a good scrub later. So, what have you lost then? Apart from your marbles?

Merlin My Big Book Of Magic Spells. It seems to have completely disappeared.

Dame Gertie (to audience) Well, fancy that. A magic spell book…disappearing.

Merlin I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t find it.

Dame Gertie Can’t you just buy another one from W H Smith?

Merlin You can’t buy a magic book from W H Smith!

Dame Gertie Yes, you can. I once bought a Harry Potter book from there.

Merlin That’s only make-believe magic.

Dame Gertie It’s all make-believe if you ask me.

Merlin Don’t you believe in magic, Gertie?

Dame Gertie Of course, not. If you ask me, it’s all a lot of mumbo-jumbo.

Merlin I’ll bet all the boys and girls believe in magic. Don’t you boys and girls?

Dame Gertie They can believe what they like. But nothing will convince me.

Merlin I’m offering a fortune to anyone who finds my magic spell book.

Dame Gertie How much?

Merlin 50p.

Dame Gertie 50p! I thought you said you were offering a fortune?

Merlin 50p in the 14th century is a fortune.

Dame Gertie I’m sure your magic book will re-appear, sooner or later. Tell me. What do you think of my new slimmer figure? (posing) I’m on this new dark-ages diet, you know.

Merlin How does that work then?

Dame Gertie It’s quite simple really. You just eat all your meals in the dark.

Merlin And does it work?

Dame Gertie Oh, yes. Most of the food ends up on the floor.

Merlin Keep it up Gertie, and one day you might fit that dress. (laughs)

Dame Gertie Cheek! This diet has helped me get rid of all my winter fat.

Merlin (to audience) And now she only has spring rolls. (pinches her hips)

Dame Gertie Gerrroff! Or I’ll stick your wand where the sun doesn’t shine. Music cue 3:

Merlin It sounds like King Arthur is about to make an appearance.

Enter Sir Dancealot, Sir Real and Sir Loin at a run (SL)

Knights The King is coming! The King is coming!

Music cue 4: Enter King Arthur (SR)

King Arthur Good morning, everyone!

All Good morning, your majesty!

King Arthur I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning, Sir Loin.

Sir Loin Thank you, your majesty.

King Arthur Although I did manage to spot you, Sir Dancealot.

Sir Dancealot Sorry, sire. I’m sure I’ll do better the next time. (does a little dance)

King Arthur Now, listen up all. Because I have something very important to tell you.

Dame Gertie What is it, your kingship?

King Arthur I’m leaving Camelot.

Sir Real Your majesty is abdicating?

King Arthur Get real, Sir Real. No, I’m off hunting for a few days, and I want you all to mind Camelot while I’m gone.

Sir Loin What for? It’s not as if it’s going anywhere, is it?

King Arthur I know that, Sir Loin. But I don’t want anybody taking it over it while I’m away.

Sir Dancealot They’d have to get past us first, your majesty.

Dame Gertie That shouldn’t be too difficult. You lot couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.

Sir Real Oh yes, we could!

Sir Loin Unless it was a particularly strong paper bag.

Knights nod and murmur in agreement.

King Arthur You must work together as a team, and Sir Dancealot will be team leader.

Sir Dancealot Thank you, your majesty. (sings & dances) I’ve got those happy feet…

Dame Gertie (to audience) Look at him. Ever since he was selected for Strictly Come Dancing, it’s gone to his head. Or rather, his feet.

King Arthur Sir Loin and Sir Real. I’m charging you both with guarding Camelot Castle.

Sir Loin You’re charging us! How much?

King Arthur Nothing! Dame Gertie. You will chaperone Lady Guinevere and protect her virtue.

Dame Gertie Yes, your majesticals. Although, personally speaking, I believe that variety is the spice of life. Which is why I’ve been married five times.

Sir Real How come you’ve had that many husbands?

Dame Gertie None of them were spicy enough.

Merlin Would your majesty like me to take charge of anything?

King Arthur No, I think everything’s covered.

Dame Gertie You just stick to waving your little wand about all day.

Merlin A magician’s work is not to be sneezed at.

Sir Dancealot Except for when you scatter Shake and Vac everywhere.

Merlin It’s not Shake And Vac! It’s magic powder!

Dame Gertie That would explain why all the carpets suddenly disappeared.

King Arthur Goodbye everyone! I’ll see you when I return! (waves and exits SL)

Merlin It’s not fair. Everybody’s been given important jobs to do, except for me.

Sir Loin Never mind Merlin. I’m sure you’ll find something important to do.

Sir Real Like making sure all the mousetraps are well stocked with cheese.

Exit Sir Dancealot, Sir Real and Sir Loin (SL) laughing.

Merlin I’d better find my magic spell book. I might need it to protect the kingdom from evildoers. Those idiotic knights can’t be relied upon to do it. (exits SR)

Dame Gertie Silly old duffer. (to audience) Allow me to introduce myself properly. I’m Dame Gertie Godiva – no relation to Lady Godiva. Although, how she can ride naked through the streets of Coventry in the middle of winter and still call herself a Lady, I don’t know. That reminds me. I must put up a couple of hat-pegs when I get home. I’m King Arthur’s royal housekeeper. I used to be a lady-in-waiting, but I was waiting that long I forgot what I was waiting for. It’s a bit strange how Arthur became King, you know. All he did was pull a rusty old sword out of a lump of rock. Anyway, he made me a Dame for services rendered, and now I must be addressed accordingly. So, every time I come on you must all shout, all hail to our most beautiful and highly esteemed, Dame Gertie of Camelot. Okay? I’ll go off and come back on again and see if you can remember it. (exits and re-enters) That’s not going to work, is it? Just shorten it to, hello Gertie, instead. Let’s give it a try. (repeat business) It was hardly worth shortening it, really. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That’s better.

Enter Chester the Jester (SL) carrying a large magic spell book.

Dame Gertie Hello Chester. What’s that big thing you’ve got in your hand?

Chester It’s Merlin’s Big Book Of Magic Spells.

Dame Gertie He’s been looking all over for that. Where did you find it?

Chester In the microwave. I was just about to do some McCain Micro Chips.

Dame Gertie That old fool Merlin must have been trying to cook up a new spell. (laughs to audience) Get it? Microwave? Cook? Obviously not.

Chester I had a peek inside it and look what I found. (produces a note)

Dame Gertie What is it, Chester?

Chester It’s an ad for a magician’s assistant. Listen to this. Wanted: Beautiful, slender, sexy and sophisticated lady, to act as assistant to the world’s most famous magician. Apply in writing to Merlin, care of Camelot Castle. Please enclose a recent photo.

Dame Gertie That’s uncanny, you know. Because that description fits me to a tee.

Chester You ought to go to Specsavers, Gertie.

Dame Gertie Rubbish. Everybody says I look just like a film star.

Chester Yes. (aside to audience) Shrek. (sniffs) What’s that smell?

Dame Gertie It’s my Channel no5.

Chester It smells more like Canal no5. (wafting the air) Phwoar!

Dame Gertie It does pack a bit of a wallop, doesn’t it?

Chester Your telling me. A right uppercut to the hooter.

Dame Gertie I hope you’re not going to be such a tease after we’re married, Chester.

Chester What makes you think that we’re getting married!?

Dame Gertie (showing a ring on her finger) This engagement ring you gave me.

Chester You got that ring from a lucky-dip bag!

Dame Gertie And who gave me that lucky-dip bag?

Chester Me. It was a bogof. And I gave you one, as I didn’t want to eat too many sweets.

Dame Gertie That was so romantic of you.

Chester How on earth is that romantic, Gertie?

Dame Gertie Giving a girl an engagement ring, along with her favourite sweeties. How much more romantic can you get?

Chester But…but…but…

Dame Gertie Butts are for water and girls are for kissing. Now, give us a kiss. (grabs him)

Chester Geerrroff!

Dame Gertie Don’t fight it darling. We are destined to be together.

Chester No, we’re not!

Dame Gertie But there’s an electricity between us.

Chester I’m shocked you think that!

Dame Gertie Can’t you feel the strength of my love for you?

Chester I can’t feel anything! I’m going numb!

Dame Gertie I can resist you no longer.

Chester Well, try harder! Anyway, I’m saving myself for Miss Right.

Dame Gertie (releases him and opens her arms) And I’m right here!

Chester And here I go! (runs off SR)

Dame Gertie Come back here, lover boy! (exits after him)