Merlin The Spellbinding Panto (Perusal)

Scene Three

Camelot Town

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SR)

Enter Sir Dancelot and Sir Real (SL)

SIR REAL: It’s wonderful living here in Camelot. Isn’t it, Sir Dancelot?

SIR DANCELOT: It certainly is, Sir Real.

SIR REAL: The court of King Arthur is a splendid place, where the knights are bold and the women chaste.

CHORUS 1: (shrieks off) Aaaah!

SIR DANCELOT: And sometimes caught. (laughs)

Enter a Chorus girl at a run (SR) chased by Sir Loin.

SIR LOIN: Ha-ha-ha! Come here, you saucy wench! (grabs her)

CHORUS 1: Take your hands of me, you silly old knight! (bops him and exits SR)

SIR DANCELOT: I’m surprised you’re still chasing girls at your age, Sir Loin.

SIR LOIN: I can’t help it Dancers – the ladies in Camelot are so dashed lovely!

SIR REAL: And none more so than our own dear Lady Guinevere.

SIR DANCELOT: Sir Loin, had better not chase her, or he’ll have King Arthur to deal with.

SIR LOIN: I wouldn’t dream of it!

SIR REAL: I wonder what exciting and daring adventures await us today, chaps.

SIR LOIN: The most exciting thing we’ve done recently, is play knock and run on old Merlin’s door. And that’s not exactly daring, is it?

SIR DANCELOT: Oh, I don’t know. If Merlin ever caught us, he might change us into toads.

SIR REAL: Give over. The silly old fool can barely change into his PJ’s these days.

Music cue 2: Enter Merlin (SR)

MERLIN: Good day, Sir Knights!

SIR LOIN: Merlin! We were just talking about you.

MERLIN: All good I hope.

SIR DANCELOT: Absolutely! We’d never speak ill of King Arthur’s favourite magician.

MERLIN: Favourite magician? Surely, I’m his only magician! Unless you’ve heard differently?

SIR REAL: We have heard the name Harry Potter mentioned recently.

MERLIN: I don’t believe you.

SIR LOIN: Suit yourself. Come along chaps, we have knightly deeds to do.

Exit Knights (SR)

Enter Dame Gertie (SR)

GERTIE: Hello boys and girls! I’m Gertie Godiva – no relation – and I’m King Arthur’s housekeeper. It’s strange how he became King, you know. All he did was pull some old sword out of a lump of rock. Anyway, as a member of the royal household, I must be addressed accordingly. So, every time I come on and shout hello boys and girls! You must all shout, all hail to our most gracious and beautiful, Dame Gertie of Camelot. Okay? I’ll go off and come back on and see if you can remember it. (exits and re-enters) Scratch that and just shout, hello Gertie, instead. (There’s a real buzz about the palace this morning, Merlin.

MERLIN: Is something important going on?

GERTIE: No, somebody’s knocked over the royal beehive. (laughs)

MERLIN: I wonder if you could get hold of something for me, Gertie.

GERTIE: You should be so lucky.

MERLIN: I had it in my hand earlier, and now I can’t seem to find it.

GERTIE: Don’t worry dear, it happens to most men sooner or later.

MERLIN: I remember taking it out this morning and placing it on the kitchen table.

GERTIE: Remind me to give that a good scrub later. So, what have you lost – apart from your marbles?

MERLIN: My Big Book Of Magic Spells seems to have disappeared.

GERTIE: Fancy that. A magic spell book – disappearing.

MERLIN: I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t find it.

GERTIE: Buy another one from W H Smith?

MERLIN: You can’t buy a magic book from W H Smith!

GERTIE: Yes, you can. I once bought a Harry Potter book from there.

MERLIN: That’s only make-believe magic.

GERTIE: It’s all make-believe if you ask me.

MERLIN: Don’t you believe in magic, Gertie?

GERTIE: Of course, not. If you ask me, it’s all a load of mumbo-jumbo.

MERLIN: I’ll bet all the boys and girls believe in magic. Don’t you boys and girls?

GERTIE: They can believe what they like – nothing will convince me.

MERLIN: I’m offering a fortune to anyone who finds it.

GERTIE: How much?

MERLIN: 50p.

GERTIE: 50p! I thought you said you were offering a fortune?

MERLIN: 50p in the 14th century is a fortune.

GERTIE: I’m sure it will re-appear, sooner or later. Tell me, what do you think of my new slim figure? (posing) I’m on this new dark-ages diet, you know.

MERLIN: What’s it like?

GERTIE: It’s dead simple – you just eat all your meals in the dark.

MERLIN: And does it work?

GERTIE: Yes – most of the food ends up on the floor.

MERLIN: Keep it up and one day you might fit that dress. (laughs)

GERTIE: Cheek! This diet has helped me get rid of all my fat cells.

MERLIN: I think they’ve all come back for their annual reunion.

GERTIE: Watch it, or I’ll stick your wand where the sun doesn’t shine!

Enter Sir Dancelot, Sir Real and Sir Loin at a run (SL)

KNIGHTS: Get ready, the King is coming!

Music cue 3: Enter King Arthur (SR)

KING ARTHUR: Good morning, everyone!

ALL: Good morning, your majesty!

KING ARTHUR: I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning, Sir Loin.

SIR LOIN: Thank you, your majesty.

KING ARTHUR: Although I did manage to spot you, Sir Dancelot.

SIR DANCELOT: I’m sure I’ll do better next time sire. (does a little dance)

KING ARTHUR: I’m glad you’re all here because I have something important to tell you.

GERTIE: What is it your kingship?

KING ARTHUR: I’m leaving Camelot.

SIR REAL: You’re abdicating!?

KING ARTHUR: Get real, Sir Real. I’m off hunting for a few days, and I want you all to mind Camelot while I’m gone.

SIR LOIN: What for? It’s not as if it’s going anywhere, is it?

KING ARTHUR: No, and I don’t want anybody taking it over it while I’m away, Sir Loin.

SIR DANCELOT: They’d have to get past us first, your majesty.

GERTIE: That won’t be difficult. You lot couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.

SIR REAL: Oh yes, we could!

SIR LOIN: Unless it was a particularly strong paper bag.

KING ARTHUR: You must all work as a team, with Sir Dancelot as the team leader.

SIR DANCELOT: Thank you, your majesty. (sings & dances) I’ve got those happy feet…

GERTIE: (to audience) Ever since Dancelot was selected for Strictly, it’s gone to his head. Or rather, his feet.

KING ARTHUR: Sir Loin and Sir Real will be charged with guarding Camelot Castle.

SIR LOIN: How much are you charging us?

KING ARTHUR: Nothing! Gertie, will chaperone Lady Guinevere and protect her virtue.

GERTIE: You can rely on me your majesty – I know men inside out.

KING ARTHUR: You ought to, seeing as how you’ve been married five times.

GERTIE: I believe that variety is the spice of life.

SIR REAL: How come you went through that many husbands?

GERTIE: None of them were spicy enough.

MERLIN: Would your majesty like me to take charge of anything?

KING ARTHUR: No thanks Merlin, I think everything’s covered.

GERTIE: You just stick with playing with your little wand all day.

MERLIN: A magician’s work is not to be sneezed at Gertie.

SIR DANCELOT: Except for when you scatter Shake and Vac about everywhere.

MERLIN: It’s not Shake And Vac! It’s magic powder!

GERTIE: That would explain why all the carpets suddenly disappeared.

KING ARTHUR: Goodbye all! I’ll see you when I return! (waves and exits SL)

MERLIN: It’s not fair. Everybody’s been given important jobs to do, except for me.

SIR LOIN: Never mind Merlin. I’m sure you’ll find something useful to do.

SIR REAL: Like making sure all the mousetraps are well stocked with cheese.

Exit Sir Dancelot, Sir Real and Sir Loin (SL) laughing.

MERLIN: I’d better try and find my magic spell book. (exits SR)

GERTIE: Silly old duffer.

Enter Chester the Jester (SL) carrying a large magic spell book.

GERTIE: Hello Chester. What’s that big thing you’ve got in your hand?

CHESTER: It’s Merlin’s Big Book Of Magic Spells.

GERTIE: He’s been looking all over for that. Where did you find it?

CHESTER: I found it in the microwave when I went to do myself a ready meal.

GERTIE: The old fool must have been trying to cook up a new spell.

CHESTER: I had a peek inside it, and I found this ad. (produces a note)

GERTIE: What does it say then?

CHESTER: (reads) Wanted: Beautiful, slender, sexy and sophisticated lady, to act as assistant to the world’s most famous magician. Apply in writing to Merlin, care of Camelot Castle, and please enclose a recent photo.

GERTIE: That’s uncanny, you know. Because that description fits me to a tee.

CHESTER: How long have you suffered from these strange delusions, Gertie?

GERTIE: They aren’t delusions! Everybody says I look just like a film star.

CHESTER: (aside to audience) Shrek. (sniffs) What’s that strange smell?

GERTIE: It’s my Chanel no5.

CHESTER: It smells more like Canal no5. (wafting) Phwoar!

GERTIE: It does pack a bit of a wallop, doesn’t it?

CHESTER: Your telling me. A right uppercut to the hooter.

GERTIE: You’ll soon get used to it after we’re married.

CHESTER: What makes you think we’re getting married!?

GERTIE: (showing it) This engagement ring you gave me.

CHESTER: You got that ring from a lucky dip bag!

GERTIE: And who gave me that lucky dip bag?

CHESTER: Me – it was a bogof and I gave you one.

GERTIE: That was so romantic of you.

CHESTER: How is that romantic, Gertie?

GERTIE: Giving a girl an engagement ring, along with her favourite sweeties. How much more romantic can you get? Now, give us a kiss. (grabs him)

CHESTER: Geerrroff!

GERTIE: Don’t fight it darling – we’re destined to be together.

CHESTER: Oh no, we’re not!

GERTIE: But there’s an electricity between us.

CHESTER: I’m shocked you think that!

GERTIE: Can’t you feel the strength of my love for you?

CHESTER: I can’t feel anything – I’m going numb!

GERTIE: I can’t resist you any longer.

CHESTER: Try harder!

GERTIE: You set me all aflame!

CHESTER: I must remember to buy a fire extinguisher.

GERTIE: Nothing will extinguish my burning love for you!

CHESTER: But I’m saving myself for Miss Right!

GERTIE: I am Miss right!

CHESTER: You look more like a miss-take!

GERTIE: You don’t know what you’re missing!

CHESTER: Yes, I do – air!

GERTIE: Give us a kiss and I’ll let you go.

CHESTER: I need to catch my breath first, then I can give you a long lingering snog.

GERTIE: And you promise you won’t run off first?

CHESTER: I promise! Now let me go before I pass out!

GERTIE: (releases him and opens her arms) There you are – now kiss me!

CHESTER: You must be joking Gertie! (runs off SR)

GERTIE: Come back you rotten love cheat! (exits after him)