SCENE ONE
CAMELOT TOWN
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Chester [SL]
CHESTER: Hiya, folks! Welcome to Camelot! I’m Chester the Jester, and before we continue, I’d like you all do me a little favour. Look under your seats and see if there’s a magic spellbook there? King Arthur’s magician, Merlin, has mislaid it, and he’s offering a huge reward to anybody who finds it. Any luck? Never mind, I’m sure it’ll reappear sooner or later. [laughs] Magic book? Reappear? Never mind. I’m hoping to find it and claim the reward, so I’m going to carry on searching. See you all later! [exits SR]
Enter Sir Dancelot and Sir Real [SL]
SIR REAL: It’s wonderful living here in Camelot, isn’t it, Sir Dancelot?
SIR DANCELOT: It certainly is, Sir Real. The court of King Arthur is a splendid place, where the knights are bold and the women are chaste.
[female shrieks off] Aaaah!
SIR REAL: And sometimes caught. [laughs]
[female off] Take that, you silly old knight!
SFX: Loud thwack.
Enter Sir Loin [SR] rubbing his jaw.
SIR LOIN: When did females suddenly develop a good right hook?
SIR DANCELOT: Still doing your impersonation of a Neanderthal, Sir Loin?
SIR LOIN: Old habits die hard, Dancers.
SIR REAL: It’s time you embraced the modern age, Sir Loin.
SIR LOIN: But we’re still in the Middle Ages, old bean.
SIR DANCELOT: True, but King Arthur is determined to bring in gender equality.
SIR LOIN: I won’t argue with anything good King Arthur does.
SIR REAL: What daring adventures shall we get up to today, chaps?
SIR LOIN: We could play knock-and-run on old Merlin’s door.
SIR DANCELOT: That’s not exactly daring, Sir Loin.
SIR REAL: Oh, I don’t know. If Merlin ever caught us he might change us into toads.
SIR LOIN: Give over. The silly old fool can barely change into his PJs these days.
SIR DANCELOT: Well, there aren’t any dragons to slay or damsels in distress to rescue.
SIR REAL: Knock-and-run it is, then. Follow me, knights.
Exit Knights [SL]
Enter Dame Gertie [SR]
GERTIE: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Gertie Godiva, no relation, and I’m King Arthur’s royal housekeeper. He became King after pulling some rusty old sword out of a lump of rock, which is a weird way to pick your ruler if you ask me. And, as a member of the royal household, I must be addressed accordingly, so every time I come on and shout, ‘hello, boys and girls’! you must all reply, ‘hello, our most gracious and beautiful Dame Gertie of Camelot’. Okay? I’ll go off and return and see if you can remember it. [exits and re-enters] Scratch that and just shout, ‘hello, Gertie’.
Music cue 2: Enter Merlin [SR]
MERLIN: Good morning, Gertie!
GERTIE: [to audience] This is Merlin, King Arthur’s favourite magician.
MERLIN: I’m his only magician, Gertie.
GERTIE: For now.
MERLIN: What do you mean, for now?
GERTIE: I’ve heard Harry Potter’s name mentioned around the royal court lately.
MERLIN: I’m not worried, Gertie. Me and King Arthur are like that. [cross fingers]
GERTIE: There’s a real buzz about the palace this morning, Merlin.
MERLIN: Why, is something important happening?
GERTIE: No, somebody knocked over the royal beehive. [laughs]
MERLIN: I was wondering if you could get hold of something for me, Gertie.
GERTIE: You should be so lucky.
MERLIN: I had it in my hand earlier, and now it seems to have disappeared.
GERTIE: Don’t worry dear, it happens to most men eventually.
MERLIN: I remember taking it out this morning and placing it on the kitchen table.
GERTIE: I must remember to give it a good scrub later. So, what is it you’ve lost, Merlin, apart from your marbles?
MERLIN: My Big Book Of Magic Spells.
GERTIE: A magic spellbook, disappearing. Who’d a thought?
MERLIN: I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t find it.
GERTIE: Can’t you just buy another one from Waterstones?
MERLIN: You can’t buy a magic book from Waterstones!
GERTIE: Yes, you can. I bought all my Harry Potter books from there.
MERLIN: They’re only make-believe magic.
GERTIE: It’s all make believe if you ask me.
MERLIN: Don’t you believe in magic, Gertie?
GERTIE: Of course not, it’s all a load of mumbo-jumbo.
MERLIN: I bet all the boys and girls believe in magic. Don’t you, boys and girls?
GERTIE: They can please themselves, but nothing will convince me.
MERLIN: I’m offering a fortune to anybody who finds my magic spellbook.
GERTIE: How much?
MERLIN: 50p.
GERTIE: 50p! I thought you said you were offering a fortune!
MERLIN: 50p in the 14th century is a fortune, Gertie.
GERTIE: Well, it doesn’t ring my bell. Tell me, what do you think of my new slim figure? [posing] I’m on this brilliant new dark-ages diet.
MERLIN: What does it entail?
GERTIE: It entails eating all your meals in the dark.
MERLIN: And does it work?
GERTIE: Yes, because most of it ends up on the floor.
MERLIN: Keep it up and one day you might actually fit that dress. [laughs]
GERTIE: Cheek! This new diet has helped me get rid of all my fat cells.
MERLIN: Well, I think they’ve all come back for their annual reunion.
GERTIE: Watch it, or I’ll stick your wand where the sun doesn’t shine!
Enter Sir Dancelot, Sir Real and Sir Loin at a run [SL]
KNIGHTS: The King is coming! The King is coming!
Music cue 3: Enter King Arthur [SR]
KING ARTHUR: Good morning, everybody!
ALL: Good morning, Your Majesty!
KING ARTHUR: I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning, Sir Loin.
SIR LOIN: Thank you, Your Majesty.
KING ARTHUR: Although I did spot you, Sir Dancelot.
SIR DANCELOT: I’ll try to do better next time, Sire. [does a little dance]
