Merlin ‘The Spellbinding Panto’ (Perusal)

Scene Three

Camelot Town

Music cue 7: Guinevere & Chorus/Villagers. After song ends…

Guinevere
That was wonderful everybody! Camelot really is the happiest place on earth.

Villager 1
And long may it remain so, Lady Guinevere.

Villager rushes on (SR) shouting.

Villager 2
Quick! Everybody must leave town, right away!

Guinevere
Whatever’s the matter?

Villager 2
Disaster is about to befall Camelot!

Villager 3
Don’t say we’ve lost the lottery licence?

Villager 2
It’s worse than that! Mordred is back!

Guinevere
He wouldn’t dare return to Camelot, whilst ever King Arthur sits on the throne.

Villager 4
But he’s not sitting on the throne, is he? He’s away hunting. I’m leaving before Mordred gets here. (exits SL)

Villagers
Wait for us!

Villagers exit (SL)

Guinevere
Mordred will try and get hold of Excalibur. And if that happens, it could spell the end of King Arthur. I must inform the knights of the round table, right away.

The Knights of the round table enter (SR)

Sir Real
Inform us of what, Lady Guinevere?

Guinevere
Mordred has returned to Camelot.

Sir Loin
Oh, crumbs!

Guinevere
You must take steps immediately, Sir Knights.

Sir Dancelot
I agree. Music cue 8: (dances)

Sir Real
She didn’t mean dance steps!

Guinevere
What is your plan of action?

Sir Loin
I plan to lock all the castle’s windows and doors, so that Mordred can’t get in.

Guinevere
We must take Excalibur from the armoury and hide it somewhere safe.

Sir Dancelot
I agree. Music cue 9: (dances)

Sir Real
Give it a rest, Dancelot. This is serious stuff.

Sir Dancelot
So is practicing for Strictly. Music cue 10: (dances)

Sir Loin
Carry on like that, and I’ll separate your Paso from your Doble!

Guinevere
Why don’t you go to Merlin’s lab, and ask him to use his magic to protect Excalibur?

Sir Real
I wouldn’t pin your hopes on that befuddled old buffoon, Lady Guinevere.

Sir Loin
We could hide it in the lair of the Dragon. Mordred wouldn’t dare enter there.

Sir Dancelot
There’s no way, I’m entering Dame Gertie’s bedroom.

Sir Loin
I meant the cave outside Camelot, where Drakor the Dragon lives.

Sir Real
Are you mad? Anybody entering that cave, would be eaten alive!

Sir Loin
I was thinking we could get Dame Gertie to do it.

Sir Real
How are you going to persuade Dame Gertie to risk almost certain death?

Sir Loin
By telling her that the cave holds a bottle containing the elixir of eternal youth, left behind by a great wizard who once lived there. And that only Excalibur is powerful enough to break through the spell that guards the entrance. She’s that vain, she’s sure to risk it.

Guinevere
But won’t the dragon eat her?

Sir Real
One can but hope.

Guinevere
That’s a terrible thing to say.

Sir Dancelot
Don’t worry Lady Guinevere. Once Dame Gertie sets eyes on the dragon, she’ll drop Excalibur in the cave and run away.

Sir Loin
After spotting Dame Gertie, it’s the dragon that will probably run away.

Guinevere
I’m sorry, but I can’t let Dame Gertie risk her life.

Sir Real
In that case, we’ll try and think of something else. (to others) Come, Sir Knights.

As the Knights exit (SL) Sir Dancelot brings up the rear doing dance-steps Music cue 11: and finishes with a heel flick as he exits.

Chester runs on (SR)

Chester
(to audience) I’ve managed to give Dame Gertie the slip, for now. Hello Lady Guinevere. (spots she’s worried) Is something wrong, my lady?

Guinevere
Mordred has returned to Camelot.

Chester
Have you informed the knights of the round table?

Guinevere
Yes.

Chester
And what did they say?

Guinevere
They suggested leaving Excalibur inside the cave of the Drakor the Dragon, to prevent Mordred getting hold of it.

Chester
That’s unusually brave of them.

Guinevere
They aren’t planning on doing it themselves.

Chester
What a surprise.

Guinevere
They proposed telling Dame Gertie, that inside the cave there was a bottle containing the elixir of eternal youth. And that only Excalibur is powerful to break through the spell, that guards the entrance.

Chester
That might work. Dame Gertie’s that desperate to hold back the ravages of time, she’ll risk anything. Did you know she once had her entire face botoxed?

Guinevere
And was she happy with the result?

Chester
She must’ve been. She had a fixed smile on her face for weeks afterwards.

Guinevere
I’m sorry, but I can’t let Dame Gertie risk her life.

Chester
I risk mine every time I bump into her. Anyway, dragons don’t eat their own kind.

Mordred, Port and Cullis appear in wing (USL) and listen in, unseen.

Guinevere
I’m going to find King Arthur and tell him what’s happened.

Chester
Shall I come with you?

Guinevere
No. You find Merlin and see if he has anything, to help us fight against Mordred.

Chester
Well it’s a long shot, but times are desperate. See you later then. (exits DSR)

Guinevere
I’ll take a short-cut through Camelot Wood, and catch up with Arthur at the other side. Wish me luck, boys and girls. (waves and exits DSL)

Mordred enters (USL) followed by Port and Cullis.

Mordred
So, Lady Guinevere is travelling alone through Camelot Wood. This will make my task even easier. I want you both to find her and bring her to me.

Cullis
Leave it to us boss. I’ve got a nose like a bloodhound.

Port
And a face to match.

Culllis
You’re always insulting me, you are!

Port
No, I’m not!

Cullis
Oh yes, you are!

Port
Name one other time I’ve insulted you?

Cullis
You once said I had the brain of an ant?

Mordred
You do not have the brain of an ant, Cullis.

Cullis
(to Port) See? The boss doesn’t think I have the brain of an ant.

Mordred
No – ants are much cleverer.

Port
Nice one, boss. (laughs)

Mordred
I don’t know what you’re laughing about. If brains were chocolate, you wouldn’t have enough to fill a Smartie. Now go and kidnap Lady Guinevere and bring her to me. Meanwhile, I’ll go and find that old fool Dame Gertie. She’s bound to know the whereabouts of Excalibur, and I intend to wheedle it out of her.

Cullis
Well don’t wheedle in public.

Mordred
Why not?

Cullis
I was once arrested for wheedling in public.

Port
Camelot really should have more public toilets.

Mordred
Shut up you morons and get going!

Port & Cullis
Yes, boss!

Port and Cullis exit (DSL)

Mordred
And now to find Dame Gertie and start wheedling. (exits SR)