Little Panto Of Horrors

Scene One

Skid Row

Backdrop of high-rise buildings. (USR) is Flowerpot’s flower shop, complete with practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Enter Seymour (SR)

SEYMOUR: Hiya folks! My name’s Seymour Flowerpot and I work right here in my mum’s flower shop, which has stood on Skid Row for over thirty years. But trade has plummeted recently, and the landlord is threatening to evict her for non-payment of rent. We need to entice more customers in, and mum believes that an exotic new plant might do the trick. I’ve been cross-pollinating like mad trying to produce one, but I’ve had about as much success as Anne Widdicombe applying for a job as a super-model.

Enter Audrey (SL)

AUDREY: Hello Seymour.

SEYMOUR: Hiya Audrey. (to audience) This is my girlfriend, Audrey. Isn’t she lovely?

AUDREY: You do say the sweetest things, Seymour.

SEYMOUR: And you are the sweetest girl I know, Audrey.

AUDREY: Thanks for the compliment Seymour. So, what are you up to today then?

SEYMOUR: Minding mum’s shop. Although she probably won’t have it for much longer.

AUDREY: She’s not selling up, is she?

SEYMOUR: No, she’s behind with the rent and the landlord’s threatening to evict her.

AUDREY: That’s terrible. (to audience) Isn’t it, boys and girls?

SEYMOUR: She’s currently visiting all the banks on the high street, trying to get a loan.

AUDREY: Is business bad then?

SEYMOUR: It’s gone way past bad and moved on to downright terrible.

AUDREY: Have you had any luck producing a new species of plant yet, Seymour?

SEYMOUR: Not yet. Ideally, we could do with one that grows fifty-pound notes.

AUDREY: I’m sure that something will turn up soon enough. You just have to keep on believing. Music cue 3: Audrey and Seymour. After song ends…I’d better be going, Seymour. I start my new job at the Dental Clinic today, and I don’t want to be late. I’ll see you later. (exits SR)

SEYMOUR: I’m crazy about Audrey and want to ask her to marry me, but I don’t have the confidence. Maybe you could help me out. Whenever I come on I’ll shout who’s the daddy? And you all to shout back, Seymour! Will you do that? Let’s have a go then. (exits and returns) Who’s the man? Brilliant! Look at the time! I’d better open the shop. See you all later! (exits inside)

Enter Weedol, Bill and Ben (SL)

WEEDOL: There is Flora Flowerpot’s Flower Shop, and her rent is in arrears.

BILL: That’s a funny place to keep it.

BEN: She must have very big ears.

WEEDOL: No, you idiots! She owes me loads of rent, and if she doesn’t pay up, I want you to evict her. But she does have big ears as well.

BEN: Don’t worry boss, we’re used to evicting helpless old ladies. Aren’t we Bill?

BILL: Yep! Although mum gave us a bit of trouble when we tried evicting her.

WEEDOL: You tried evicting your own mum?

BEN: Yes, but we let her off when she threatened to ground us.

WEEDOL: I’ve worked with some nasty bailiff’s in my time, but you two take the biscuit.

BILL: We didn’t take any biscuits, did we Ben?

BEN: No! We might be heartless bailiffs, but we wouldn’t pinch anybody’s bickies.

WEEDOL: Why were you trying to evict your own mother?

BILL: She wouldn’t let us have a Wii in our bedroom.

WEEDOL: I don’t blame her. You’re supposed to use the toilet for that sort of thing.

BEN: We couldn’t do that.

WEEDOL: And why not?

BILL: There’s isn’t enough room to swing our nun-chucks.

WEEDOL: I’m not interested in your filthy habits! I want Flowerpot’s shop out of business, so that I can demolish it and build a block of penthouse-suites.

BEN: No worries, Mr Weedol.

BILL: We’ll put the frighteners on her.

WEEDOL: You certainly have the faces for it.

BEN: Is that because we look vicious and menacing?

WEEDOL: You two look about as menacing as Noddy and Big-Ears.

BILL: Maybe we should try those new Viagra eye-drops.

BEN: How will that help us put the frighteners on people?

BILL: It’ll make us look hard.

Music cue 4: Enter Flora Flowerpot (DSL)

FLORA: Hello boys and girls! I’m Flora Flowerpot! I’ve just been to every bank on the high street, and nobody would give me a loan. They said the green shoots of recovery had shrivelled up. I said, tell me about it. I haven’t seen any green shoots in months, and I run a flower shop. Me geraniums failed to germinate. Me bizzy-lizzy’s busy dying. And me pansies have dropped right off. (to man in audience) I said pansies, cloth-ears!

WEEDOL: Mrs Flowerpot! And how are you this fine morning?

FLORA: All the worse for seeing you.

WEEDOL: I’m here to collect your rent arrears.

FLORA: You’re wasting your time – I’m skint.

WEEDOL: In that case I will have to evict you.

FLORA: Can’t you give me a bit more time?

WEEDOL: Yes, but I won’t.

FLORA: But why not?

BEN: He wants to knock you down and put up a block of pennywise treats.

WEEDOL: It’s penthouse suites, you idiot!

FLORA: So, that’s your game is it? Well it won’t work. My Seymour’s about to discover an exotic new plant, and we’ll have customers flooding in again.

WEEDOL: Your Seymour couldn’t discover snot up his own nose.

FLORA: You’ve obviously not seen him pick his nose.

BILL: I’m too scared to pick my nose.

BEN: How come.

BILL: Mum says if I pick my nose, the bogeyman would come and get me.

BEN: It’s not true. (laughs) Get it? Its snot true?

FLORA: Who are these two idiots, Weedol?

BILL: I’m Bill.

BEN: And I’m Ben.

FLORA: You look a right pair of flobalobadobs.

WEEDOL: They’re my new bailiffs, and they’re here to evict you if you don’t pay up.

FLORA: You have to give me until the end of the show to come up with the money.

WEEDOL: Says who?

FLORA: The producer. Anybody not following the script won’t get a part next year.

WEEDOL: You’d like that wouldn’t you, ferret face?

FLORA: Ferret face! I don’t remember that being in the script.

WEEDOL: They didn’t say anything about not ad-libbing.

FLORA: Well, I believe in sticking to the script.

BILL: Then you’ll be the only one who does.

WEEDOL: Very well, you have until the final scene to pay up or be evicted.

BEN: What if she comes up with the money, boss?

WEEDOL: That’s about as likely as Martians landing outside this theatre.

BILL: According to Crop Circle Monthly. Aliens are living amongst us, right now.

WEEDOL: (pointing at Flora) Looking at her, I can believe that.

FLORA: I’m not staying here and listening to your insults!

WEEDOL: Then return to your home planet and listen to them there.

FLORA: Cheek! Anyway, I don’t believe in aliens.

BEN: I believe in keeping an open mind.

FLORA: That explains why your brains have fallen out.

BILL: Oh no, they haven’t! (feels his head) Have they?

FLORA: I haven’t got time for this nonsense. I’m off inside to start propagating.

BEN: Aren’t you a bit too old for that sort of thing?

FLORA: It’s a gardening term, you twit!

BILL: I once planted rows of potatoes and razor blades, but it didn’t work out.

FLORA: What were you hoping for?

BILL: Chips! (laughs)

BEN: And I spent days planting a herb garden. But in the end, I had to give it up.

BILL: Why was that then?

BEN: I ran out of thyme. (laughs) Get it? I ran out of thyme!

FLORA: Ran out of brains, more like.

WEEDOL: I’m going now.

FLORA: (lead audience) Hooray!

WEEDOL: But I’ll be back!

FLORA: (lead audience) Boo!

WEEDOL: And then you’d better have my money! (to Bill & Ben) Let’s go you two.

Exit Weedol, Bill and Ben (SL)

FLORA: If Seymour doesn’t come up with a new plant before the last scene, I’ll lose my shop. Although my hopes aren’t high. Last week he crossed a spider plant with a venus flytrap and produced a plant that ate itself. And before that, he crossed a stinkweed with Donald Trump and got a stinky trump. My ex-husband was just as bad. I caught him dallying with a Dalia, petting a Petunia and eyeing an Iris. But they weren’t plants, so I divorced him.

Music cue 5: Enter Ida Sellalot (SR)

IDA: Good morning all! And what a lovely morning it is, too.

FLORA: It might be for some of us.

IDA: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Ida Sellalot, a high street guru.

FLORA: Well, meditate elsewhere love – I’m busy.

IDA: I’m not that sort of guru!

FLORA: What sort are you then?

IDA: I advise shop-owners how best improve to their businesses. Are you the owner of this grotty, run-down flower shop?

FLORA: If you mean, this fragrant floral establishment. Then yes, I am.

IDA: Then you’re just the sort of person I’m here to help.

FLORA: You’re going to purchase some flowers?

IDA: No, I’m allergic to flowers.

FLORA: Then you’re not going to be much help to me.

IDA: I’m here to help you grow, my dear.

FLORA: I stopped growing long ago, love. (hoists bosom) And I’m very happy with how I turned out, thank you.

IDA: Tell me – does you shop have bogoff’s?

FLORA: Yes, but they’re for staff only. There’s a public convenience just round the corner if you’re desperate.

IDA: Do you offer customers free delivery?

FLORA: Yes – I deliver flowers from my hand to theirs, completely free of charge.

IDA: What about loyalty cards?

FLORA: I own three loyalty cards. Lidl, Argos and Matalan.

IDA: I meant, do you offer loyalty cards to your customers?

FLORA: Certainly not! They can get their own, like I did.

IDA: How do you think I can help your business improve?

FLORA: By not asking stupid questions and letting me get on with my work? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must give a pep talk to my petunias.

IDA: You talk to plants!?

FLORA: What do you think I’ve been doing for the past five minutes? (exits inside)

SFX: Mobile ringtone.

IDA: (answering) Hello PM! You’d like a brief update? Well, I’m currently focusing on a failing flower shop, which could prove to be my biggest challenge yet. But with a big increase in my renumeration package, I’m sure it will be a blooming success story. That’s most generous of you PM. (to audience) It’s not what you know, but who you know. (exits SL)

Music cue 6: Enter Marvin (SR)

MARVIN: Hello again Earthlings. Your fuel stations prices were extortionate! So, I now must earn money to buy enough fuel to return to Mars.

SFX: Heavy breathing sound.

Enter Garth Radar (SL) with light sabre raised.

RADAR: Aha! Now I have you, Skyrunner!

MARVIN: (startled) Aaaah!

RADAR: You’re not Skyrunner! Who are you?

MARVIN: I’m Marvin, from the planet Mars!

RADAR: I thought all Martian’s had green skin?

MARVIN: I changed my appearance to not alarm the Earthlings. And who are you?

RADAR: I’m Garth Radar.

MARVIN: Garth Radar! The evil enforcer for the Empire?

RADAR: You’ve heard of me, then?

MARVIN: Everybody has heard of you. Your infamy spreads far and wide.

RADAR: (pats his tummy) I’ve been meaning to get back in the gym, but it’s not easy finding the time when you have a galaxy to terrorise.

MARVIN: Slight misunderstanding, but never mind. What are you doing on Earth?

RADAR: I’m pursuing a renegade called Duke Skyrunner, who is hiding on this puny planet. My light sabre was also on the blink, so I’ve picked up a new one from Argos for only £19.99.

MARVIN: I’ve seen them on Amazon for only £9.99.

RADAR: In that case, I’ll put Argos down for a quick blast from my death star.

MARVIN: Then you can forget your Nectar points.

RADAR: And what are doing on Earth?

MARVIN: Mars is running out of fuel and I’m looking for a new supply.

RADAR: Help me find Skyrunner, and I will supply Mars with all the fuel it needs.

MARVIN: And what will you do to Skyrunner?

RADAR: He will be vaporised, for daring to oppose the Empire.

MARVIN: I’m sorry, but I can’t condone gratuitous violence. Us Martians are pacifists.

RADAR: Then I’ll get some Earthlings to help me instead. I’ve heard that humans are a bloodthirsty lot. (to audience) You’ll help me find Skyrunner, won’t you? Oh yes, you will! If you know what’s good for you! Refuse, and I’ll use my Death Star to destroy your pathetic planet! (exits SL laughing)
MARVIN: What a nasty man! If I weren’t such a pacifist, I’d have flattened him.

Enter Duke Skyrunner (SR)

SKYRUNNER: (pointing his light sabre at Marvin) Hold fast there!

MARVIN: (turns) Who are you?

SKYRUNNER: I’m Duke Skyrunner.

MARVIN: You mean, you’re Duke Skyrunner?

SKYRUNNER: You’ve heard of me then?

MARVIN: Not until five minutes ago, when Garth Radar appeared asking after you.

SKYRUNNER: Garth Radar is here on Earth?

MARVIN: Yes, and he wants to vaporise you along with Argos.

SKYRUNNER: You don’t know where he is now, do you?

MARVIN: No, but I think you’re going to have to watch your back.

SKYRUNNER: It would be just like him to sneak up behind me.

MARVIN: (indicating audience) Why don’t you ask that lot to watch your back?

SKYRUNNER: Good idea. (to audience) If you see anybody trying to creep up on me, will you shout out and warn me? Thanks. Now, what shall I get you to shout?
MARVIN: Our Martian sociologists have studied Earth’s entertainment shows.
And in panto, it’s customary for the audience to shout, it’s behind you!

SKYRUNNER: That sounds logical. (to audience) Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (to Marvin) You go off, and then come on and try sneaking up on me.

MARVIN: Righto. (exits and re-enters and sneaks up on Skyrunner, who doesn’t hear audience shouting) Didn’t you hear them shouting just then?

SKYRUNNER: I never heard a thing. Can we do it again, please?

MARVIN: I think the audience are expecting it, actually.

SKYRUNNER: (to audience) And this time, shout really loud.

MARVIN: (repeat business) You must have heard them that time, surely?

SKYRUNNER: I thought I heard something, but I couldn’t be sure.

MARVIN: We’ll do it once more. (to audience) And this time, shout that loud they’ll hear you back on Mars. (repeat business)

SKYRUNNER: I heard them that time! (to audience) May the force be with you.

MARVIN: (gives a Vulcan hand greeting) Nan-noo! Nan-noo!

SKYRUNNER: What does that mean?

MARVIN: I haven’t a clue. I saw it on an old Earth TV show called Mork and Mindy.

SKYRUNNER: I like it! (to audience) Whenever I say, may the force be with you, will you all do the Vulcan hand greeting, like this…(demonstrates)…and respond. Nan-noo! Nan-noo! Thanks! Farewell, Marvin. May the force be with you! (turns and starts to exit SR)

MARVIN: (leads audience) Nan-noo! Nan-noo! I’d better go and find myself a job. Cheerio, Earthlings! (exits SL)