Little Panto Of Horrors

Prologue

SFX: Sound of a spaceship landing accompanied by smoke pouring onstage.

Music cue 1: Marvin the Martian enters (SL)

Marvin

(gives a funny salute) Greetings, Earthlings. I’m Marvin, and I’m from the planet
Mars. Do not be afraid, for I come in peace. I will not to suck out your brains and
take over your body. All those alien body-snatchers movies, are a disgraceful
distortion of the truth. I’ve come to Earth, because Mars is running out of fuel and
our Martian experts say that fuel prices on Earth are ridiculously cheap. Is that
true? (audience respond) No? Then I guess we’ll just have to suck it up. The
prices I mean, not the fuel. I’ll just set my tricorder to sniff out the nearest source.
(produces a small device and adjusts it until it bleeps) There is a source not far
from here. I will go and seek it out at once. I’ve left my spaceship parked outside,
on some double-yellow lines. Apparently, this means it’s a legal parking zone and
will not cause me any problems. Is that correct? (audience respond) That’s
another one, we’ve got wrong. I’d better move it before I get clamped. Farewell
Earthlings! (exits SL)

Lights dim to blackout – cloth/tabs out – lights up.

Scene One

Skid Row

A modern street backdrop, with high-rise buildings. (USR) is a low-level old-fashioned flower shop, with a practical door. The shop sign says ‘Flowerpot’s Flower Shop’. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus exit (SL)

Seymour enters (SR)

Seymour

(to audience) Hiya folks! My name’s ‘Seymour’ and I work right here…(points to
shop)…in my mum’s flower shop, which has stood here on Skid Row for over thirty years. But recently trade has plummeted, and the landlord is threatening to evict us
for non-payment of rent. I think he wants mum out, so that he can demolish the shop and put up a tower block in its place. Our only hope, is to find a way to entice
more customers through the door. Mum believes that an exotic new plant might do the trick. So for the past year, I’ve been cross-pollinating like mad trying to produce one. But I’ve had about as much success as Anne Widdicombe…(or other famous plain Jane)…applying for a job as a super-model.

Audrey enters (SL)

Audrey

Hello Seymour.

Seymour

Hiya Audrey. (shyly to audience) This is my girlfriend, Audrey.

Audrey

What are you up to today, Seymour?

Seymour

I’m minding mum’s shop. Although she probably won’t have it for much longer.

Audrey

She’s not selling up, is she?

Seymour

No, she’s behind with the rent and the landlord’s threatening to evict her.

Audrey

That’s terrible. (to audience) Isn’t it boys and girls?

Seymour

She’s currently visiting all the banks on the high street, trying to get a loan.

Audrey

Is business bad then?

Seymour

No, it’s gone past bad and moved on to downright terrible.

Audrey

Have you had any luck with producing a new species of plant, yet?

Seymour

No. Ideally, we could do with one that grows fifty-pound notes.

Audrey

Don’t worry, Seymour. I’m sure something will turn up soon. You just have to keep on believing. Music cue 3: Audrey & Seymour. After song ends…

Seymour

Thanks for cheering me up, Audrey.

Audrey

You’re welcome, Seymour. I’d better be off now. I’m starting my new job at the Dental Clinic today, and I don’t want to be late. Bye! (exits SR)

Seymour

(calls after her) Bye Audrey! (to audience) Isn’t she lovely? I want to ask her to marry me, but I just don’t have the nerve. Maybe you lot could help build up my confidence. Whenever I come on I’ll shout, ‘how am I doing’? And I want you all to shout back ‘great Seymour’. Will you do that? (audience respond) Thanks. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and returns) How am I doing? (audience respond – repeat until happy) Thanks, boys and girls. And now I think I’d better go and open up the shop. See you all later! (waves and exits into shop)

Weedol enters (SL) with Bailiff’s, Bill and Ben.

Weedol

(pointing) That’s Flora Flowerpot’s Flower Shop, and her rent is in arrears.

Bill

That’s a funny place to keep it.

Ben

(to Bill) She must have very big ears.

Weedol

No, you idiots! She owes loads of rent, and if she doesn’t pay up I want you to evict her. But she does have big ears as well.

Ben

Don’t worry boss, we’re used to evicting helpless old ladies. Aren’t we Bill?

Bill

We certainly are, Ben. (to Weedol) Although mum did give us a bit of trouble, when we tried evicting her.

Weedol

You tried evicting your own mum?

Ben

Yeah, but we let her off when she threatened to ground us.

Weedol

I’m impressed gentlemen. I’ve worked with some nasty bailiff’s in my time, but you both take the biscuit.

Bill

No, we didn’t take no biscuit. (to Ben) Did we Ben?

Ben

Certainly not, Bill. (to Weedol) We might be heartless bailiffs, but I can honestly say we’ve never repossessed so much as a Hob-nob.

Weedol

And why exactly, were you trying to evict your own mother?

Bill

She wouldn’t let us have a Wii in our bedroom.

Weedol

I don’t blame her. You’re supposed to use the toilet for that sort of thing.

Ben

We couldn’t do that.

Weedol

Why not?

Bill

‘Cos there’s not enough room in there swing our nun-chucks.

Weedol

I’m not interested in your filthy habits. I just want Flowerpot’s shop put out of business, so I can demolish it and build a high-rise block of penthouse-suites. You can be as nasty as you like with her.

Ben

No worries, boss. We pride ourselves on our nastiness. (to Bill) Don’t we Bill?

Bill

Yeah, we’re used to putting the frighteners on people.

Weedol

Well you certainly have the faces for it.

Bill & Ben

(flattered) Thanks!

Music cue 4: Flora Flowerpot enters (DSL)

Flora

(to audience) What a morning I’ve had. I’ve been to every bank on the high street, and not one would give me a loan. They all said ‘the green shoots of recovery had just shrivelled up again’. I said ‘tell me about it’. I haven’t seen any green shoots in ages, and I run a flaming flower shop. Me geraniums have failed to germinate. Me bizzy-lizzy’s busy dying. And me pansies have dropped right off. (to person in audience) I said ‘pansies’ cloth-ears!

Weedol

Ah, Mrs Flowerpot. And how are you this fine morning?

Flora

All the worse for seeing you. (to audience indicating Bill & Ben) Eh-up, it’s the Chuckle Brothers.

Weedol

These are my new bailiffs. And we’re here to collect your rent.

Flora

Well you’re wasting your time. I’m more skint than a church mouse, who’s just pawned his last bit of cheese.

Weedol

In that case – out you go!

Flora

Can’t you give me a bit more time?

Weedol

No chance!

Flora

But why not?

Ben

‘Cos he wants to knock you down and put up a block of high-rise penny sweets.

Weedol

It’s ‘penthouse suites’ you idiot!

Flora
So that’s your little game, is it? Well it won’t work. My Seymour’s about to come up with an exotic new plant, and we’ll have customers flooding in again.

Weedol

That’ll be the day. Your Seymour couldn’t come up with snot from picking his nose.

Flora

Well that’s just where you’re wrong, see.  He can and he does – frequently. Anyway, you must give me until the end of the show to come up with the money.

Bill

Says who?

Flora

The producer. He said anybody not following the script won’t get a part next year.

Weedol

You’d like that, wouldn’t you, ferret face.

Flora

‘Ferret face’. I don’t remember that being in the script.

Weedol

I’m ad-libbing. Very well. You have until the final scene to pay up or be evicted.

Ben

And what if she comes up with the money, boss?

Weedol

(laughs) That’s about as likely as Martians landing outside this theatre. And that’s not very likely, now is it?

Bill

According to Crop Circle Weekly. Aliens are probably living amongst us, right now.

Weedol

(pointing at Flora) Looking at her, I can believe that.

Flora

I don’t have to stay here and listen to your insults!

Weedol

No. You could return to your home planet instead.

Flora

Cheek! Anyway, I don’t believe in aliens.

Ben

Well I like to keep an open mind.

Flora

That explains why your brains have fallen out. (to audience) There’s no such things as aliens. (to audience) Is there, boys and girls? (audience respond)

Bill

They don’t seem too sure.

Flora

I haven’t got time for all this nonsense. I’m off inside to start propagating.

Ben

Aren’t you a bit too old for that sort of thing?

Flora

It’s a gardening term, you fool!

Bill

I tried gardening once, but it was hopeless. I planted rows and rows of potatoes, along with rows and rows of razor blades. And nothing came up.

Flora

Rows of potatoes and rows of razor blades! What on earth were you hoping for?

Bill

Chips! (falls about laughing)

Weedol

(to Flora) I’m going now, but I’ll be back! (to Bill & Ben) Come along you two.

Weedol exits (SL) with Bill and Ben.

Flora

(to audience) Well it seems I only have until the last scene to save my little shop, boys and girls. I just hope Seymour comes up with a new plant before then. But I must admit my hopes aren’t high. Last week he crossed a spider plant with a venus flytrap and produced a plant that ate itself. And before that, he crossed a stinkweed with a trumpet flower and got a stinky trump. I had Dynorod out five times, before I discovered where the smell was coming from.

Music cue 5: Ida Sellalot enters (SR)

I. Sellalot

(annoyingly cheerful) Good morning! And what a lovely morning it is, too.

Flora

Well it might be for some.

I. Sellalot

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Ida Sellalot, a high street guru.

Flora

Well meditate somewhere else love, I’m busy.

I. Sellalot

(annoying laugh) No my dear, I’m not that sort of guru.

Flora

What sort are you then?

I. Sellalot

I work for the government, advising shop-owners how to improve their businesses. (indicating the shop) Are you the owner of this grotty, run-down flower shop?

Flora

I’m the proprietor of this fragrant floral establishment, if that’s what you mean.

I. Sellalot

Then you’re just the person I’m here to see.

Flora

(delighted) You mean, you’d like to purchase some flowers?

I. Sellalot

No, I’m allergic to flowers.

Flora

Then what do you want?

I. Sellalot

I’m here to help you grow.

Flora

I stopped growing a long time ago, love. (hoists her chest) And I’m more than happy with how I turned out, thank you.

I. Sellalot

Tell me. Does you shop have bogoff’s?

Flora

Yes, but they’re for staff only. There’s a public convenience just around the corner if you’re desperate.

I. Sellalot

And do you offer customers free delivery?

Flora

Yes. I deliver flowers from my hand to theirs, completely free of charge.

I. Sellalot

And what about loyalty cards?

Flora

I have three loyalty cards. Lidl, Aldi and Matalan.

I. Sellalot

I meant, do you offer loyalty cards to your customers?

Flora

Certainly, not! They can get their own, like I did.

I. Sellalot

And finally. What’s the best way you think I can help your business improve?

Flora

By not asking stupid questions and letting me get on with my work. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must give a pep talk to my petunias.

I. Sellalot

(laughs) You mean you actually talk to plants?

Flora

Of course! What do you think I’ve been doing for the past five minutes? Cheerio! (waves to audience and exits into shop)

SFX: Mobile ringtone – Madonna’s ‘Material Girl’.

I. Sellalot

(answering) Hello PM! You’d like an update on my findings so far? Well, it seems that most businesses believe that the best way to help them improve. Is by having more people like me advising them, on how to run their own business. I’m currently focusing on a failing flower shop, which could prove to be my biggest ever challenge. But you know me. If I fell into a bucket of manure, I’ll still come up smelling of roses. What was that? Yes, just like Boris Johnson. Well goodbye, PM and do keep me updated on Brexit. (to audience) You’ll soon notice an improvement in your high-street shopping experience, now that I’ve arrived. Toodle-doo then! (exits)

Music cue 6: Marvin re-enters (SR)

Marvin

Greetings again, Earthlings! I’ve just been to one of your fuel stations and the prices were extortionate! I couldn’t even afford a cupful of petrol. I must find myself a job, to earn enough money to buy fuel and return to Mars.

SFX: Heavy breathing sound.

Garth Radar jumps on (SL) with light sabre raised.

G. Radar

(exclaims) Aha! Now I have you, Skyrunner!

Marvin

(jumps in fright) Aaahh!

G. Radar

You’re not Skyrunner!

Marvin

No! I’m Marvin, from the planet Mars.

G. Radar

You can’t be. All Martian’s have green skin.

Marvin

I changed my appearance, so as not to alarm the Earthlings. And who are you?

G. Radar

I’m Garth Radar.

Marvin

Not ‘the’ Garth Radar! Evil Enforcer for the Empire?

G. Radar

You’ve heard of me, then?

Marvin

Everybody’s heard of you. But what are you doing here on Earth?

G. Radar

I’m pursuing a renegade called, Duke Skyrunner, who is hiding somewhere on this puny planet. I’ve also taken the opportunity to pick up a new light sabre. Mine was on the blink, and I bought a new one from Toys “R” Us, for just £19.99

Marvin

£19.99? I’ve seen them on Amazon for only £14.99.

G. Radar

In that case, I’ll put Toys “R” Us down for a quick blast from my death star. And what may I ask, is a Martian doing here on Earth?

Marvin

Mars is running out of fuel and I’m here, searching for a new supply.

G. Radar

Help me find Skyrunner, and I will supply your planet with all the fuel it needs.

Marvin

And what will happen if you do find him?

G. Radar

He will be vaporised, as a warning to anyone who dares to oppose the Empire.

Marvin

I’m sorry Mr Radar, but we Martians are pacifists. I can’t get involved in gratuitous violence.

G. Radar

(sneers) You, Martian wimp! Never mind, I’ll get the Earthlings to help me instead. I’ve heard that all humans are a bloodthirsty lot. (to audience) You’ll help me find Duke Skyrunner, won’t you? (audience respond) Oh yes, you will! (audience respond) Silence! Once I’ve disposed of Skyrunner. I will transport all Earthlings to Mars to work in their dilithium mines as slaves for the Empire. And then I will use my Death Star to destroy your pathetic planet! (exits SL laughing)

Marvin

(to audience) What a nasty man. If I wasn’t such a pacifist, I’d have flattened him.

Duke Skyrunner enters (SR)

Skyrunner

(pointing his light sabre at Marvin) Hold fast there!

Marvin

(turns) Who are you?

Skyrunner

I’m Duke Skyrunner.

Marvin

Not ‘the’ Duke Skyrunner?

Skyrunner

You’ve heard of me then?

Marvin

Well not until five minutes ago, when Garth Radar appeared asking after you.

Skyrunner

Garth Radar is here on Earth?

Marvin

Yes, and he wants to vaporise you and destroy the Earth.

Skyrunner

You don’t know where he is now, do you?

Marvin

No, but I think you’ll have to watch your back.

Skyrunner

It would be just like him to sneak up behind me. I could do with somebody watching my back and warning me, if they spot anybody creeping up on me.

Marvin

(indicating audience) Why don‘t you ask that lot if they’ll watch your back?

Skyrunner

Good idea. (to audience) Will you shout and warn me if anybody tries creeping up on me? (audience respond) Thanks! Now what shall I get you to shout?

Marvin

Our Martian Sociologists have studied your entertainment shows. And it appears that in panto, it’s customary for them to shout, ‘it’s behind you’!

Skyrunner

That’s novel. (to audience) Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s try it then. (to Marvin) You go off, and then come back on and try sneaking up behind me.

Marvin

Okay. (exits and re-enters and sneaks up on Skyrunner, who pretends he doesn’t hear audience shouting) Didn’t you hear them shouting just then?

Skyrunner

I never heard a thing. (to audience) Can we do it again please?

Marvin

I think they’re expecting it, actually.

Skyrunner

(to audience) And this time, shout even louder. (repeat the business)

Marvin

You must’ve heard them that time, surely?

Skyrunner

I thought I heard something, but I couldn’t be sure.

Marvin

(to audience) We’ll do it once more. And this time I want you to shout that loud, they’ll hear you back on Mars.

They repeat the business.

Skyrunner

(to audience) I heard you that time! Well done! May the force be with you.

Marvin

(raises his hand in a Vulcan greeting) Nan-noo! Nan-noo!

Skyrunner

What does that mean?

Marvin

I haven’t the foggiest. I saw it on an old Earth TV show called ‘Mork and Mindy’, and it just seemed like a good response.

Skyrunner

I like it! (to audience) Whenever I say ‘may the force be with you’, will you all do the Vulcan hand greeting, like this…(demonstrates)…and respond. ‘Nan-noo! Nan-noo’! (audience respond) Great. (to Marvin) Goodbye, Marvin. And may the force be with you!

Marvin

(leads audience) Nan-noo! Nan-noo!

Skyrunner 
(waves to audience) Farewell! (runs off SR)

Marvin 
(to audience) Now I’m off to find myself a job. See you later, Earthlings. (exits SL)