Little Panto Of Horrors

Scene One

Skid Row

Urban backdrop with high-rise buildings. (USR) is Flowerpot’s flower shop, with a practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Enter Seymour (SR)

Seymour Hiya folks! My name is Seymour Flowerpot, and I work right here…(points to shop)…in my mum’s flower shop, which has been on Skid Row for over thirty years. But recently trade has plummeted, and the landlord is threatening to evict us for non-payment of rent. I think he wants us out, so that he can demolish the shop and put up a tower block. We need to entice more customers through the door, and mum believes that an exotic new plant might do the trick. I’ve been cross-pollinating like mad, trying to produce one. But I’ve had about as much success as Anne Widdicombe…(or other plain Jane)…applying for a job as a super-model.

Enter Audrey (SL)

Audrey Hello Seymour.

Seymour Hiya Audrey. (to audience) This is my girlfriend, Audrey. Isn’t she lovely?

Audrey What are you up to today, Seymour?

Seymour Minding mum’s shop as usual. Although she probably won’t have it for much longer.

Audrey She’s not selling up, is she?

Seymour No, she’s behind with the rent and the landlord’s threatening to evict her.

Audrey That’s terrible. (to audience) Isn’t it, boys and girls?

Seymour She’s currently visiting all the banks on the high street, trying to get a loan.

Audrey Is business bad then?

Seymour No. It’s gone way past bad and moved on to downright terrible.

Audrey Have you had any luck with producing a new species of plant, yet?

Seymour No. Ideally, we could do with one that grows fifty-pound notes.

Audrey Don’t worry, Seymour. I’m sure something will turn up soon. You just have to keep on believing. Music cue 3: Audrey & Seymour. After song ends…

Seymour Thanks for cheering me up, Audrey.

Audrey Glad to be of help, Seymour. I’d better be going. I’m starting my new job at the Dental Clinic today, and I don’t want to be late on my first day. I’ll see you later. (exits SR)

Seymour (to audience) I’m mad about her. I want to ask her to marry me, but I don’t have the confidence. Maybe you could help me get it. Whenever I come on. I’ll shout who’s the man? And I want you all to shout back, you are Seymour! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and returns) Who’s the man? (response) Thanks, boys and girls. I’d better go and open the shop. See you all later! (exits inside)

Enter Weedol, Bill and Ben (SL)

Weedol (pointing) That’s Flora Flowerpot’s Flower Shop, and her rent is in arrears.

Bill That’s a funny place to keep it.

Ben She must have very big ears.

Weedol No, you idiots! She owes me loads of rent! And if she doesn’t pay up, I want you to evict her. But she does have big ears as well.

Ben Don’t worry boss, we’re used to evicting helpless old ladies. Aren’t we Bill?

Bill Too right, Ben. Although mum gave us a bit of trouble when we tried evicting her.

Weedol You tried evicting your own mum?

Ben Yeah, but we let her off when she threatened to ground us.

Weedol I’ve worked with some nasty bailiff’s in my time, but you two take the biscuit.

Bill We didn’t take any biscuits. Did we Ben?

Ben No. We might be heartless bailiffs. But we wouldn’t pinch anybody’s Hobnobs.

Weedol And why exactly, were you trying to evict your own mother?

Bill She wouldn’t let us have a Wii in our bedroom.

Weedol I don’t blame her. You’re supposed to use the toilet for that sort of thing.

Ben We couldn’t do that.

Weedol And why not?

Bill Because there’s isn’t enough room to swing our nun-chucks.

Weedol I’m not interested in your filthy habits. I just want Flowerpot’s shop out of business, so that I can demolish it and build a high-rise block of penthouse-suites.

Ben No worries, Mr Weedol.

Bill We’ll put the frighteners on her.

Weedol Well, you certainly have the faces for it.

Music cue 4: Enter Flora Flowerpot (DSL)

Flora (to audience) What a morning I’ve had. I’ve been to every bank on the high street, and none of them would give me a loan. They all said the green shoots of recovery had just shrivelled up again. I said, tell me about it. I haven’t seen any green shoots in ages, and I run a flaming flower shop. Me geraniums have failed to germinate. Me bizzy-lizzy’s busy dying. And me pansies have dropped right off. (to person in audience) I said pansies, cloth-ears!

Weedol Ah, Mrs Flowerpot. And how are you this fine morning?

Flora All the worse for seeing you.

Weedol I’m here to collect your rent arrears.

Flora You’re wasting your time. I’m skint.

Weedol In that case I’ll have to evict you.

Flora Can’t you give me a bit more time?

Weedol I could, but I won’t.

Flora But why not?

Ben Because he wants to knock you down and put up a block of high-rise penny sweets.

Weedol It’s penthouse suites, you idiot!

Flora So, that’s your little game is it? Well it won’t work. My Seymour’s about to discover an exotic new plant, and we’ll have customers flooding in again.

Weedol Your Seymour couldn’t discover snot up his own nose.

Flora Oh yes, he can! And frequently does that.

Bill I’m too scared to pick my nose.

Ben How come.

Bill Mum always said if I did, the bogeyman would come and get me.

Ben It’s not true. (laughs) Get it? Its snot true?

Flora Anyway, you must give me until the end of the show to come up with the money.

Weedol Says who?

Flora The producer. He said anybody not following the script won’t get a part next year.

Weedol You’d like that, wouldn’t you, ferret face?

Flora Ferret face! I don’t remember that being in the script.

Weedol I’m ad-libbing. Very well. You have until the final scene to pay up or be evicted.

Ben And what if she comes up with the money, boss?

Weedol That’s about as likely as Martians landing outside this theatre. And there’s not much chance of that, now is it?

Bill According to Crop Circle Weekly. Aliens are living amongst us, right now.

Weedol (pointing at Flora) Looking at her, I can believe that.

Flora I’m not staying here and listening to your insults!

Weedol Then return to your home planet instead.

Flora Cheek! Anyway, I don’t believe in aliens.

Ben Personally, I like to keep an open mind.

Flora That probably explains why your brains have fallen out.

Bill (exclaims) Oh, no! (grabs his head) They’re still there, you rotten fibber!

Flora I don’t have time for this nonsense. I’m off inside to start propagating.

Ben Aren’t you a bit too old for that sort of thing?

Flora It’s a gardening term!

Bill I once planted rows of potatoes mixed with razor blades. But it didn’t work out.

Flora Rows of potatoes and razor blades! What on earth were you hoping for?

Bill Chips! (falls about laughing)

Weedol (to Flora) I’m going now, but I’ll be back! (to Bill & Ben) Come along you two.

Exit Weedol, Bill and Ben (SL)

Flora I hope Seymour comes up with a new plant before the last scene. Otherwise I’ll lose my lovely flower shop. Although I must admit, my hopes aren’t high. Last week he crossed a spider plant with a venus flytrap and produced a plant that ate itself. And before that, he crossed a stinkweed with Donald Trump and got a stinky trump. He reminds me of my ex-husband. He came a cropper with flowers. Just after we opened the shop, I caught him dallying with a Dalia, petting a Petunia and eyeing an Iris. So, I threw all four of them out and told him our marriage was over.

Music cue 5: Enter Ida Sellalot (SR) she has an annoyingly cheerful manner.

I. Sellalot Good morning all! And what a lovely morning it is, too.

Flora Well, it might be for some of us.

I. Sellalot Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Ida Sellalot, a high street guru.

Flora Well, meditate elsewhere love. I’m busy.

I. Sellalot (annoying laugh) Wrong end of the stick dear. I’m not that sort of guru.

Flora What sort are you then?

I. Sellalot I work for the government, advising shop-owners how to best improve their businesses. Are you the owner of this grotty, run-down flower shop?

Flora I’m the proprietor of this fragrant floral establishment if that’s what you mean.

I. Sellalot Then you’re just the sort of person I’m here to help.

Flora You can help me by purchasing some flowers.

I. Sellalot I’d like to, but I’m allergic to flowers I’m afraid.

Flora Then you’re not going to be much help to me.

I. Sellalot I’m here to help you grow, my dear.

Flora I stopped growing a long time ago, love. (hoists her chest) And I’m very happy with how I turned out, thank you.

I. Sellalot Tell me. Does you shop have bogoff’s?

Flora Yes, but they’re for staff only. There’s a public convenience just around the corner if you’re desperate.

I. Sellalot And do you offer customers free delivery?

Flora Yes. I deliver flowers from my hand to theirs, completely free of charge.

I. Sellalot And what about loyalty cards?

Flora I own three loyalty cards. Lidl, Argos and Matalan.

I. Sellalot I meant, do you offer loyalty cards to your customers?

Flora Certainly not! They can get their own, like I did.

I. Sellalot And finally. How do you think I can help your business improve?

Flora By not asking stupid questions and letting me get on with my work. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I must go and give a pep talk to my petunias.

I. Sellalot (laughs) You actually talk to plants?

Flora Well, what do you think I’ve been doing for the past five minutes? Cheerio then! (waves to audience and exits into shop)

SFX: Mobile ringtone.

I. Sellalot (answering) Hello PM! You’d like an update on my work so far? Well, I’m currently focusing on a failing flower shop, which could prove to be my biggest challenge yet. But I believe that with a bit more investment in my renumeration package and government contracts. I’ll soon have it blooming again. And my company did make a rather large donation to your election campaign. Thank you, PM. That’s most generous of you. See you for drinks at Chequers. (to audience) It’s not what you know, but who you know. (exits SL)

Music cue 6: Enter Marvin (SR)

Marvin Hello again Earthlings. I visited one of your fuel stations and the prices were extortionate! I now need a job to earn enough money to buy fuel and return to Mars.

SFX: Heavy breathing sound.

Enter Garth Radar (SL) with light sabre raised.

G. Radar (exclaims) Aha! Now I have you, Skyrunner!

Marvin (startled) Aaaah!

G. Radar You’re not Skyrunner!

Marvin No! I’m Marvin, from the planet Mars.

G. Radar You can’t be from Mars. All Martian’s have green skin.

Marvin I changed my appearance, so as not to alarm the Earthlings. And who are you?

G. Radar I’m Garth Radar.

Marvin Garth Radar! The evil enforcer for the Empire?

G. Radar You’ve heard of me, then?

Marvin Everybody has heard of you. But what are you doing here on Earth?

G. Radar I’m pursuing a renegade called Duke Skyrunner, who is hiding somewhere on this puny planet. I’ve also taken the opportunity to pick up a new light sabre. Mine was on the blink, and I bought a new one from Argos for £19.99.

Marvin I’ve seen them on Amazon for only £9.99.

G. Radar In that case. I’ll put rip-off Argos down for a quick blast from my death star. And what may I ask, is a Martian doing here on Earth?

Marvin Mars is running out of fuel and I’m searching for a new supply.

G. Radar Help me find Skyrunner, and I will supply your planet with all the fuel it needs.

Marvin And what will you do to Skyrunner?

G. Radar He will be vaporised, for daring to oppose the Empire.

Marvin I’m sorry Mr Radar, but I can’t condone gratuitous violence. Us Martians are pacifists.

G. Radar Then I’ll get some Earthlings to help me instead. I’ve heard that humans are a bloodthirsty lot. (to audience) You’ll help me find Skyrunner, won’t you? Oh yes, you will! (response) Silence! Once I’ve disposed of Skyrunner. I will transport all humans to Mars to work in their dilithium mines as slaves for the Empire. And then I will use my Death Star to destroy your pathetic planet! (exits SL laughing)

Marvin (to audience) What a nasty man. If I weren’t such a pacifist, I’d have flattened him.

Enter Duke Skyrunner (SR)

Skyrunner (pointing his light sabre at Marvin) Hold fast there!

Marvin (turns) Who are you?

Skyrunner I’m Duke Skyrunner.

Marvin Not the, Duke Skyrunner?

Skyrunner You’ve heard of me then?

Marvin Well, not until five minutes ago. That’s when Garth Radar appeared asking after you.

Skyrunner The evil Garth Radar is here on Earth?

Marvin Yes, and he wants to vaporise you along with Argos.

Skyrunner You don’t know where he is now, do you?

Marvin No, but I think you’re going to have to watch your back.

Skyrunner It would be just like him to sneak up behind me. I could do with somebody warning me if they spot anybody creeping up on me.

Marvin (indicating audience) Why don’t you ask that lot to watch your back?

Skyrunner Good idea. (to audience) If you see anybody trying to creep up on me, will you shout out and warn me? Thanks. Now, what shall I get you to shout?

Marvin Our Martian Sociologists have studied Earth’s entertainment shows. And it appears that in panto, it’s customary for them to shout, it’s behind you!

Skyrunner That sounds logical. (to audience) Will you do that? Let’s try it then. (to Marvin) You go off, and then come back on and try sneaking up behind me.

Marvin Okay. (exits and re-enters and sneaks up on Skyrunner, who pretends he doesn’t hear audience shouting) Didn’t you hear them shouting just then?

Skyrunner I never heard a thing. (to audience) Can we do it again, please?

Marvin I think they’re expecting it, actually.

Skyrunner (to audience) And this time, shout even louder. (repeat business)

Marvin You must have heard them that time, surely?

Skyrunner I thought I heard something, but I couldn’t be sure.

Marvin (to audience) We’ll do it once more. And this time I want you to shout that loud, they’ll hear you back on Mars. (repeat business)

Skyrunner I heard them that time! (to audience) May the force be with you.

Marvin (raises his hand in a Vulcan greeting) Nan-noo! Nan-noo!

Skyrunner What does that mean?

Marvin I haven’t the foggiest. I saw it on an old Earth TV show called Mork and Mindy, and it seemed like a good response.

Skyrunner I like it! (to audience) Whenever I say, may the force be with you, will you all do the Vulcan hand greeting, like this…(demonstrates)…and respond. Nan-noo! Nan-noo! Great. Goodbye, Marvin. May the force be with you! (turns and starts to exit SR)

Marvin (leads audience) Nan-noo! Nan-noo! (to audience) I’m off to find myself a job. See you later, Earthlings. (exits SL)