Little Panto Of Horrors

SCENE ONE

SKID ROW

[USR] is Flowerpot’s flower shop, complete with practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Seymour [SR]

SEYMOUR:Hiya folks! I’m Seymour Flowerpot and I work right there in mum’s flower shop, which has stood on Skid Row for over thirty years. But recently trade has plummeted, and the landlord’s threatening to evict us for non-payment of rent. Mum thinks an exotic new plant in the shop window might entice customers back in, and I’ve been cross-pollinating like mad trying to produce one.

Enter Audrey [SL]

AUDREY: Hello Seymour.

SEYMOUR: Hi Audrey. [to audience] This is my girlfriend Audrey, isn’t she lovely?

AUDREY: You do say the sweetest things, Seymour.

SEYMOUR: And you’re the sweetest thing in my life Audrey.

AUDREY: What are you up to today, then?

SEYMOUR: I’m minding mum’s shop. Although she probably won’t have it for much longer.

AUDREY: She’s not selling up, is she?

SEYMOUR: No, she’s behind with the rent and the landlord’s threatening to evict us.

AUDREY: That’s terrible, isn’t it, boys and girls?

SEYMOUR: She’s currently visiting all the banks on the high street, trying to get a loan.

AUDREY: Is business bad then?

SEYMOUR: No, it’s gone past bad and moved on to downright terrible.

AUDREY: Have you had any luck producing a new species of plant yet?

SEYMOUR: I’ve had about as much luck as Shrek applying for a job as a male model.

AUDREY: Don’t give up hope Seymour, you have to keep on believing. Music cue 3: Audrey and Seymour. After song ends…I’d better be off. I start my new job today, and I mustn’t be late. I’ll see you later. [exits SR]

SEYMOUR: I’m crazy about Audrey, but I haven’t got the confidence to ask her to marry me. Maybe you could help me build it up. Whenever I come on, and shout what do I need? You all shout back, confidence Seymour! Will you do that? Let’s have a go then. [exits and returns] What do I need? Brilliant! I’d better go and open the shop. See you later folks! [exits inside]

Enter Flora Flowerpot [SR]

FLORA: Hello boys and girls! I’m Flora Flowerpot and this is my flower shop, which I run with my son Seymour. I became a single mum ten years ago after my husband tragically died whilst doing a crossword. His last words to me were four down, plethora. To this day that word still means a lot to me. I used the insurance money to buy this shop, but it’s going through a rough patch and I’m struggling to pay the rent. I tried getting a bank loan, but it was a waste of time. So, I’m relying on Seymour coming up with an exotic plant to save us from ruin, although my hopes aren’t high. Last week he crossed a spider plant with a Venus flytrap and produced a plant that ate itself. And before that, he crossed a stinkweed with a trumpet flower and got a stinky trump. I’ll just go and see how he’s getting on with his latest attempt. Bye for now! [exits inside]

Enter Weedol, Bill and Ben [SL]

WEEDOL: That’s Flowerpot’s flower shop and her rent’s in arrears.

BEN: That’s a funny place to keep it.

BILL: She must have very big ears.

WEEDOL: No, you idiots! She owes me lots of rent, and if she doesn’t pay up, I want you to evict her. But she does have big ears as well.

BEN: Don’t worry boss, we’re used to evicting helpless old ladies. Aren’t we Bill?

BILL: We certainly are, Ben.

BEN: Although mum gave us a bit of trouble when we tried evicting her.

WEEDOL: You tried evicting your own mum?

BILL: Yes, but we let her off after she threatened to ground us.

WEEDOL: Why were you trying to evict your own mother?

BILL: She wouldn’t let us have a Wii in our bedroom.

WEEDOL: I don’t blame her. You’re supposed to use the toilet for that sort of thing.

BEN: We couldn’t do that.

WEEDOL: Why not?

BILL: There’s isn’t enough room to swing our nun-chucks.

WEEDOL: I’m not interested in your filthy habits! I want Flowerpot’s shop out of business, so that I can demolish it and build a block of penthouse-suites.

BEN: No worries, Mr Weedol.

BILL: We’ll soon put the frighteners on her.

WEEDOL: You certainly have the faces for it.

BEN: We’ve been using these new Viagra eye-drops.

WEEDOL: What do they do then?

BILL: They make us look hard.

WEEDOL: You two wouldn’t look hard if you were set in concrete!

Music cue 4: Enter Flora Flowerpot [DSL]

FLORA: I thought I heard yobs hanging about outside my shop, and I was right.

WEEDOL: I’ve come for it Flowerpot!

FLORA: Well, you won’t get it from me.

WEEDOL: I want your rent arrears paying in full!

FLORA: Well, you can want because I’m skint.

WEEDOL: I don’t believe you.

FLORA: But it’s true! Me geraniums won’t germinate. Me bizzy-lizzy’s busy dying, and me pansies have dropped right off. [to audience] I said pansies cloth-ears!

WEEDOL: If you can’t pay up, then out you go!

FLORA: Can’t you give me a bit more time?

WEEDOL: I suppose I could really.

FLORA: Oh, you are kind. And I’m sorry I once called you a torn faced wassock!

WEEDOL: I could – but I won’t.

FLORA: But why not?

BEN: He wants to knock you down and put up a block of pantie hoses.

WEEDOL: It’s penthouse suites, you idiot!

FLORA: So, that’s your little game is it? Well, it won’t work. My Seymour’s about to discover an exotic new plant, and we’ll have customers flooding back in again.

WEEDOL: Your Seymour couldn’t discover snot up his own nose.

FLORA: You’ve obviously not seen him in action.

BILL: I’m too scared to pick my nose.

BEN: How come?

BILL: Mum says if I did, the bogeyman would come for me.

BEN: It’s not true, Bill. [laughs] Snot true!