Jack And The Beanstalk Version 3

Scene One

The Village Of Wheyside

(USR) is Trott’s dairy and adjoining the dairy is a cowshed with a practical door. Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…Exit Villagers (SR)

Enter Simon (SL)

Simon Hello everybody! I’m Simon Trott! Who wants to be on my team? (response) And as team I’m leader, you must do everything I say. Now, are we all ready to have some fun? Brilliant! Okay, Simon says, turn to the person on your left and say, I like you in a very special way. Now, turn to the person on your right and say, I like you in a very special way also. There, that should keep things nice and friendly.

Giant Fee-fi-fo-fum!

Simon (looking up) You’re a big pain in the bum! (to audience) That’s Blunderbore the Giant. Every day he bellows down from his castle above the clouds. Beats me how it stays up there, seeing as clouds are just condensed water. It must be some sort of magic. Either that, or he has an anti-gravity machine. I’m betting on it being magic.

Giant Fee-fi-fo-fum!

Fleshcreep, fill my empty tum!

Simon Whenever Blunderbore’s hungry, he always has a takeaway. And I don’t mean from Deliveroo. He only eats people and gets his slave Fleshcreep to get them up for him.

Enter Jack (SR)

Jack Hiya boys and girls! I’m Jack Trott! (response) They seem a lovely lot, Simon.

Simon They are, Jack. And I’ve just been telling them all about the Giant.

Jack I hope you haven’t been frightening them, Simon.

Simon I don’t need to. The Giant will do that all by himself.

Jack Anyway, enough about the Giant. Let’s talk about nice things for change.

Simon Like what for instance?

Jack (hand on heart) Like me, being in love. (sighs)

Simon Okay Jack, what’s her name this time?

Jack Her name is, Jill.

Simon Jack and Jill? You don’t feel a sudden urge to go up a hill to collect water, do you?

Jack No. Why do you ask?

Simon No reason, really.

Jack She’s the daughter of Squire Moneybags, and I’ve just asked her to marry me.

Simon That was a bit quick, wasn’t it? Even for somebody who’s been engaged, more times than a public convenience.

Jack It’s the real thing this time, Simon.

Simon It always is with you, Jack.

Jack The only problem is her father wants her to marry someone rich.

Simon That lets you out then.

Jack But I love her terribly.

Simon Maybe you ought to practice a bit more then.

Jack I’d like to Simon, believe me.

Simon When will I get to meet her?

Jack Soon enough, Simon. She’s calling round later today.

Enter Jill (SR)

Jill (shyly) Hello, Jack.

Jack (shyly) Hello, Jill.

Jill (smoochy) I’ve missed you terribly, Jack.

Jack (smoochy) And I’ve missed you too, Jill.

Simon When was the last time you saw each other?

Jack About five minutes ago.

Simon Five minutes ago!

Jill We hate being apart, even for a minute.

Jack (holding her hands) I love you Jilly willy.

Jill And I love you Jacky wacky.

Simon If you two are going to get all mushy, I’m off. (to audience) Bye team! (exits inside)

Jack Have you told your father about us getting married, Jill?

Jill Yes Jack, I have.

Jack And what did he say?

Jill He said, over his dead body.

Jack He’s not totally against the idea, then?

Jill Yes Jack, he is! He still insists that I marry somebody rich.

Jack Don’t worry Jill. I have a feeling that I’m going to make my fortune very soon.

Jill I hope you’re right, Jack. Not marrying you, would break my heart. Music cue 3: Jack and Jill. After song ends…

Enter Squire Moneybags (SL)

Squire There you are Jill. I thought I might find you here.

Jill Hello father. We were just talking about you.

Squire You shouldn’t be talking to Jack Trott about anything.

Jack Listen, Squire. I know you only want the best for your daughter…

Squire…Yes, and that isn’t you Jack trott!

Jill But I love Jack, father.

Squire Well, you can just unlove him. I can’t let you marry a poor dairy boy.

Jack I might be poor, now. But I have great prospects.

Squire Rubbish! Trott’s Dairy is on its knees, just like your mother was this morning.

Jack I beg your pardon?

Squire I saw her in the bank earlier, begging the manager for a loan.

Jill And did he give her one?

Squire You must be joking. Where is your mother, anyway?

Jack What do you want with her?

Squire She’s behind with her rent, and I’ve come to collect.

Jack And what if she can’t pay?

Jill You’re not going to evict her, are you father?

Squire Of course not.

Jill That’s good.

Squire My bailiff’s Snatch and Grab will do that, if she doesn’t pay up.

Jack I’m afraid she’s out right now.

Squire Then I’ll leave. But my bailiff’s will be a round later to collect the rent or evict her.

Jill Please don’t do this, father.

Squire Come along Jill. I forbid you to have anything to do with poor people. (drags her off)

Exit Squire and Jill (SL)

Jack I must think of a way to make my fortune, to win the Squire over. I could buy a lottery ticket and cross all my fingers and toes. If I could afford a ticket, that is.

Giant Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I smell beef, yum-yum!

SFX: Loud hiccup followed by mooing, followed by more hiccupping.

Jack It sounds like Buttercup has hiccups again. It always happens when she’s frightened, I’m afraid.

Music cue 4: Enter Fairy Beanie (SR)

Fairy. B If ever you’re frightened, or living in fear,Don’t worry or fret, Fairy Beanie is here.

Jack You’re a fairy?

Fairy. B That’s right. And it’s my job to help anyone in danger.

Jack What makes you think that anyone is in danger?

Fairy. B I heard you say, I’m afraid, and assumed you needed help.

Jack I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong end of the stick.

Fairy. B So, you’re not in any danger then?

Jack No really, everything’s fine.

Fairy. B And you don’t need rescuing from anything?

Jack The only thing I need rescuing from, is poverty.

Fairy. B Social welfare’s not my field. I only deal with people in mortal danger.

Jack Why’s that then?

Fairy. B Because then I can rescue them and earn my fairy licence.

Jack Fairies need a licence?

Fairy. B Oh, yes. It takes years of studying to become a fully-fledged fairy. I’m currently on probation, and if I don’t pass I won’t get my licence.

Jack I’d like to help, but I really don’t see how.

Fairy. B In that case, I’ll just return to Fairyland and hope that somebody in dire danger, needs rescuing soon. (exits sadly SR)

Jack (to audience) That’s not something you come across every day.

Giant Fleshcreep, bring me a takeaway,
Before I start to fade away.

SFX: Loud moo, followed by hiccupping.

Jack That rotten Giant has done it again. I’d better go and calm Buttercup down. See you later boys and girls! (exits into cowshed)

Music cue 5: Enter Fleshcreep (SL)

Fleshcreep Greetings, scumbags! My name is Fleshcreep. Call that booing? I’m much eviller than that. Try it again, and this time pretend I’m Donald Trump. That’s better. I love my boos. Yes, Fleshcreep’s the name and making flesh creep is my game. (pointing) Your flesh looks like it’s creeping already, madam. Unless it’s just looks like that because you’re just old and wrinkly. (laughs) Blunderbore the Giant is hungry, and I’ve come to find him something to eat. Now, which of you will be his dinner?

Giant Capture Buttercup the cow,

I want her for my dinner, now!

Fleshcreep Yes, your hungriness. And what would you like for dessert?

Giant Mice pudding!

Fleshcreep I’ve heard there are plenty of mice in this theatre, master. (pointing) There’s one scurrying through the audience right now. I’ll just go and catch it for you. (leaves the stage and pretends to chase a mouse around the auditorium and exits via door)

Enter Dame Trott from the dairy.

Dame Trott What’s all the commotion? (spots audience) Oh hello! I’m Dame Trott and this is my dairy. If I’d know we had guests, I would’ve worn my best frock. Who am I kidding? This is my best frock. I’m that poor the only thing I have coming in, is the draft under the door. My late husband passed away leaving me destitute. He was too lazy to work and thought manual labour was a Spanish footballer. Oh, look. It’s nearly breakfast time and Buttercup’s not even up yet. I’ll bet she’s forgotten to set her alarm clock again. (knocks on cowshed door) Wakey-wakey, rise and shine, Buttercup! I need milk for my cornflakes!

Enter Jack from the cowshed.

Jack (hisses) Please be quiet, mum! Or you’ll wake Buttercup.

Dame Trott I want to wake her! Why isn’t she up already?

Jack The giant frightened her earlier and gave her hiccups, so I gave her something to calm her down and she fell asleep.

Enter Simon from the cowshed with Buttercup.

Simon Simon says everybody go, moo-moo! You’ve just said hello to Buttercup.

Dame Trott Why did you get Buttercup out of bed, Simon?

Simon She was tossing about and making weird noises, like she was having a nightmare.

Jack She was probably dreaming about the Giant. He frightened her earlier.

Dame Trott (fussing Buttercup) Did dat howible giant fwighten mumsy’s wickle baby? Has Buttercup had her breakfast yet, Simon?

Simon No mum, she hasn’t.

Jack What does she usually have for breakfast anyway?

Dame Trott Moosli. What else? And I’ll have some of her sweet milk for my cereal.

Simon Sorry mum, but you can’t have any milk.

Dame Trott Why not?

Simon Buttercup’s been hiccupping that much, all her milk’s turned to butter.

Dame Trott I’m sick of that Giant, turning Buttercup into a mobile milk churn. (handing Jack a coin) Here Jack. Take my last 50p and fetch a carton of milk from Aldi.

Simon Take the old cow with you, Jack? She could do with the exercise.

Jack Good idea, Simon. (takes Dame’s arm) Come on mum, let’s go.

Dame Trott Cheek! He meant Buttercup!

Jack I was only joking, mum. Come along Buttercup. (exits SR with Buttercup)

Dame Trott Right Simon. I’m off to cheer myself up by watching some daytime telly.

Simon How can watching daytime telly, cheer you up?

Dame Trott It’s comforting to know that some lives, are even more miserable than mine. (exits)

Simon If mum’s skiving off to watch telly, then I’m off to the cinema. Bye team! (exits SR)

Snatch (shouts off) We’re going too fast! Slow down! Slow down!

SFX: Bicycle bell ringing furiously, followed by a loud crash.

Enter Snatch and Grab (SL) with Bicycle tyres around their necks.

Snatch What were you trying to do back there, Grab?

Grab I was trying to overtake you, Snatch.

Snatch But we were on a tandem!

Grab So?

Snatch So, you can’t overtake the person in front on a tandem!

Grab Now, you tell me.

Snatch Now, you know how come we’re here, don’t you?

Grab Of course I do. I took biology at school, remember.

Snatch No, you idiot! We’re here to collect Dame Trott’s rent for the Squire.

Grab I’m a bit new to this bailiffing lark, bruv. What normally happens then?

Snatch She either pays up or we evict her. Now, go and bang on her door with authority.

Grab (looking around) Is she here too?

Snatch Who?

Grab Our Dorothy?

Snatch Not our sister, Dorothy! I meant, with the authority of the law behind you.

Grab How hard shall I bang?

Snatch Can’t you think for yourself?

Grab Of course I can think for myself.

Snatch Then use your head!

Grab Use my head!?

Snatch That’s what I just said! Use your head!

Grab Righto. (bangs head on the door and staggers back) Ooooh! I’ve gone all dizzy.

Snatch Why did you bang your head on the door?

Grab You told me to.

Snatch Oh no, I didn’t.

Grab Oh yes, you did. You told me to use my head. (to audience) Didn’t he?

Snatch I didn’t mean it literally!

Enter Dame Trott from the Dairy, looking flustered.

Dame Trott (adjusting her attire) Oh, hello. And what can I do for you two?

Grab Did we catch you unaware?

Dame Trott I’m not in my underwear! (flirting) But I am open to the idea.

Snatch I’d rather not picture that, thank you.

Grab I just did, and now it’s going to be with me forever.

Dame Trott What do you want?

Snatch Where is the Squire’s money?

Dame Trott How should I know where he keeps his money?

Grab I meant, the money you owe the Squire.

Snatch Where do you keep your money?

Dame Trott In my drawers.

Grab Uggh! That’s another picture that’s going to be with me forever, now.

Snatch We’d like you to take out whatever’s in your drawers and give it to us.

Grab Please stop putting these pictures in my head!

Dame Trott I can’t take it out.

Snatch Why not?

Dame Trott Because the Squire’s already had his hands on it.

Grab (to audience) I’m going to require therapy after this.

Snatch (to Dame Trott) Can’t you give us something in lieu?

Dame Trott Very well. (produces an Andrex toilet roll) Here you are then.

Snatch Loo roll! That’s no good!

Dame Trott I find Andrex very good. It’s the only one my fingers don’t go through.

Grab If you can’t pay up, then you’ll have to go.

Dame Trott But I’ve only just been. Hence the loo roll in my hand.

Snatch He means, we’ll have to evict you.

Enter Jack with Buttercup (SR)

Jack What’s going on here, mum?

Dame Trott Squire Moneybags’ bailiffs are trying to evict me for not paying the rent, Jack.

Grab I’m afraid she’s got a little behind.

Dame Trott (grabs her bottom) Ooooh! A compliment at last.

Snatch She owes the Squire rent, and we’re here to collect it.

Jack (takes her aside) I have an idea mum, listen. (whispers to her)

Dame Trott Okay Jack, let’s do it.

Jack (turns to Bailiffs) I appeal to you, take pity on the old cow.

Grab Why should we take pity, on your mother?

Dame Trott How very dare you!

Jack I didn’t mean my mother. I meant our old cow, Buttercup.

Snatch Why should we?

Jack Because she’s not well and isn’t long for this world. (Buttercup is startled, and her legs shake) Look at her legs, shaking.

Dame Trott She probably won’t make it through the night. (dabs her eyes emotionally)

Grab What’s wrong with her, then?

Jack Bovineitis.

Snatch What exactly is, Bovineitis?

Dame Trott It’s a rare and fatal disease.

Buttercups legs buckle, and she moos plaintively.

Grab (worried) Can people catch it, too?

Jack Yes, and it’s highly contagious

Snatch Then how come you both haven’t caught it?

Dame Trott We’ve been inoculated.

Grab Maybe we should go and get inoculated right away, Snatch.

Snatch Good idea. (to Dame Trott) We’ll be back tomorrow. (to Grab) Let’s go.

Exit Snatch and Grab at a run (SL)

Jack At least we have another day to try and raise the rent money, mum.

Dame Trott Yes, but at what cost.

Jack What do you mean?

Dame Trott We forgot to let poor Buttercup in on the act.JackSorry Buttercup, we didn’t have time to explain to you in cow language.

Dame Trott Come inside and have a nice cup of tea and watch your favourite TV show, Buttercup.

Jack What’s her favourite programme, mum?

Dame Trott Cowonation Street. By the way Jack, did you get me some milk from Aldi?

Jack No mum, they were all out.

Dame Trott How about a nice cup of Bovril instead, Buttercup? (Buttercup shakes her head) Don’t you like Bovril? (Buttercup shakes her head vigorously)

Jack Don’t you know what Bovril’s made from, mum?

Dame Trott Does anybody?

Jack It’s made from…(whispers)

Dame Trott Forget the Bovril Buttercup. I’ve got some Fruit Shoot. (exits inside with Buttercup)

Jack (to audience) I’d better go and find Jill. It must be ten minutes since I’ve seen her and I’m missing her already. See you later boys and girls! (exits SL)