Jack And The Beanstalk Version 3

Scene One

The Village Of Wheyside

Trott’s dairy is (USR) adjoining it is a cowshed with a practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SR)

Enter Simon (SL)

SIMON: Hiya folks! I’m Simon Trott! Who wants to be on my team? Great! And as team leader, you must do everything I say. Who’s ready to have some fun? Simon says, turn to the person on your left and say, I like you in a very special way. Now, turn to the person on your right and say, I also like you in a very special way. There, that should keep things nice and friendly.

GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!

SIMON: (looking up) You’re a big pain in the bum! (to audience) That’s Blunderbore the Giant, who lives in a big castle above the clouds. Beats me how it stays up there, seeing as clouds are just condensed water. I’m guessing it must be some kind of magic.

GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!

Fleshcreep, fill my empty tum!

SIMON: Fleshcreep’s the giant’s slave and he’s a real nasty piece of work.

Enter Jack (SR)

JACK: Hello Simon!

SIMON: Hi, Jack. I’ve just been telling the audience all about the giant.

JACK: I hope you haven’t been frightening them too much Simon.

SIMON: Of course not! The giant will do that all by himself.

JACK: Forget about the giant, and let’s talk about nice things for change.

SIMON: Like what for instance?

JACK: Like me, being in love. (sighs – hand on heart)

SIMON: All right Jack, who is it this time?

JACK: Her name’s Jill.

SIMON: You don’t feel a sudden urge to go up a hill to collect water, do you?

JACK: No Simon. Why do you ask?

SIMON: No reason Jack.

JACK: Jill’s the daughter of Squire Moneybags, and I’ve asked her to marry me.

SIMON: That’s a bit quick, isn’t it?

JACK: It’s the real thing this time, Simon.

SIMON: It always is with you, Jack.

JACK: The only problem is her father insist that she marries someone rich.

SIMON: That lets you out then.

JACK: But I love her terribly.

SIMON: Maybe you ought to practice a bit more then.

JACK: I’d like to Simon. But it’s not easy with her father watching her every move.

SIMON: It’s probably your moves he’s worried about.

JACK: So, how’s your love life Simon?

SIMON: My new girlfriend thinks I’m a bit of a stalker.

JACK: I didn’t even know you had a new girlfriend.

SIMON: She’s not technically my girlfriend.

JACK: What do you mean, not technically your girlfriend?

SIMON: I haven’t actually asked her out yet.

JACK: No wonder she thinks you’re a stalker.

SIMON: When will I get to meet your girlfriend?

JACK: She said she might call round later, to meet you and mum.

SIMON: What’s she like around cranky old cows?

JACK: Mum’s not all that bad, Simon.

SIMON: I meant Buttercup, Jack! Don’t forget, she’s one of the family too.

JACK: I’m sure she’ll love Buttercup as much as we do.

SIMON: Nobody could love her more than mum, though.

JACK: That’s true. She probably loves that old cow more than she does us.

SIMON: I think she does. I remember the time she thought Buttercup had a cold. She let her have my bed and made me sleep in the cowshed!

JILL: (shyly) Hello, Jack.

JACK: (shyly) Hello, Jill.

JILL: (smoochy) I’ve missed you terribly, Jack.

JACK: (smoochy) And I’ve missed you terribly too, Jill.

SIMON: When was the last time you saw each other?

JACK: About five minutes ago.

SIMON: Five minutes ago!

JILL: We hate being apart, even for a minute.

JACK: (holding her hands) I love you Jilly willy.

JILL: And I love you Jacky wacky.

SIMON: I’m feeling sicky-wicky. I’m off inside! See you all later team! (exits inside)

JACK: Did you told your father about us getting married, Jill?

JILL: Yes Jack, I did.

JACK: And what did he say?

JILL: He said, over his dead body.

JACK: So, he’s not totally against the idea then?

JILL: Yes, he is Jack! He still insists that I marry somebody rich.

JACK: Don’t worry. I have a feeling that I’m going to make my fortune very soon.

JILL: I hope you’re right, Jack. Not marrying you, would break my heart. Music cue 3: Jack and Jill. After song ends…

Enter Squire Moneybags (SL)

SQUIRE: I thought I might find you here Jill.

JILL: Hello father we were just talking about you.

SQUIRE: You shouldn’t be talking to Jack Trott about anything.

JACK: Why not, Squire?

SQUIRE: I only want the best for my daughter, and that isn’t you!

JILL: But father I love Jack!

SQUIRE: Well, you can just unlove him. He’s nothing but a poor dairy boy.

JACK: I might be poor now, but I have great prospects.

SQUIRE: Piffle! Trott’s Dairy’s on its knees, just like your mother was this morning.

JACK: I beg your pardon?

SQUIRE: I saw her in the bank earlier, begging the manager for a loan.

JILL: And did he give her one?

SQUIRE: No, and she didn’t get a loan either. Where is your mother, anyway?

JACK: What do you want with her?

SQUIRE: She’s behind with her rent, and I’ve come to collect.

JACK: And what if she can’t pay?

JILL: You’re not going to evict her, are you father?

SQUIRE: Of course not.

JILL: That’s good.

SQUIRE: I’ll leave that to my bailiff’s Snatch and Grab.

JACK: I’m afraid she’s out right now.

SQUIRE: Then I’ll send the bailiff’s round later to collect the rent or evict her.

JILL: Please don’t do this, father.

SQUIRE: Come along Jill. I forbid you to have anything more to do with, poor people.

Exit Squire and Jill (SL) Jill turns and makes call me sign to Jack.

JACK: I must think of a way to make my fortune and win the Squire over.

GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I smell beef, yum-yum!

SFX: Loud hiccup followed by mooing, followed by more hiccupping.

JACK: It sounds like Buttercup has the hiccups again. It always happens when she’s frightened by the giant.

Music cue 4: Enter Fairy Beanie (SR)

FAIRY: If ever you’re frightened, or living in fear,

Please don’t worry, Fairy Beanie is here.

JACK: You’re a fairy?

FAIRY: That’s right, and it’s my job to help anyone in danger.

JACK: What makes you think that anyone’s in danger?

FAIRY: I heard you say, something about being frightened by the giant?

JACK: I was talking about our cow, Buttercup.

FAIRY: So, you’re not in any danger then?

JACK: Not at the moment.

FAIRY: And you don’t need rescuing from anything?

JACK: The only thing I need rescuing from, is poverty.

FAIRY: Social welfare’s not really my field. I only deal with people in mortal danger.

JACK: Why’s that then?

FAIRY: Because then I can rescue them and earn my fairy licence.

JACK: Fairies need a licence?

FAIRY: Oh, yes. It takes years of studying to become a fully-fledged fairy. I’m currently on probation and if I don’t pass, I won’t get my licence.

JACK: I’d like to help you, but I really don’t see how.

FAIRY: Then I’ll just return to Fairyland and hope that someone in danger, needs rescuing soon. (exits sadly SR)

JACK: (to audience) That’s not something you come across every day, is it?

GIANT: Fe-fi-fo fum!

Bring me food for my tum!

SFX: Loud moo, followed by hiccupping.

JACK: That rotten giant has done it again. I’d better go and calm Buttercup down. See you later boys and girls! (exits into cowshed)

Music cue 5: Enter Fleshcreep (SL)

FLESHCREEP: Greetings, scumbags! The name’s Fleshcreep. Call that booing? I’m much eviller than that. Come on, give me your best boos! That’s better – I love my boos. The giant is hungry, and I’ve come to find him something to eat. Now, which of you will be his dinner?

GIANT: Capture Buttercup the cow,

I want her for my dinner, now!

FLESHCREEP: Yes, your hungriness. And what would you like for dessert?

GIANT: Mice pudding!

FLESHCREEP: There are lots of mice in this theatre. (pointing) There’s one scurrying through the audience right now. I’ll go and catch some for you. (exits SL)

Enter Dame Trott from the dairy.

DAME TROTT: What’s all the commotion? (spots audience) Oh hello! I’m Dame Trott and this is my dairy. If I’d know we had guests, I would’ve worn my best frock. Who am I kidding? This is my best frock. I’m that poor the only thing I have coming in, is the draft under the door. My late husband passed away leaving me destitute. He was that lazy, he thought manual labour was a Spanish footballer. It’s nearly breakfast time and Buttercup’s not even up yet. I bet she forgot to set her alarm clock again. (knocks on cowshed door) Rise and shine, Buttercup! I need milk for my cornflakes!

Enter Jack from cowshed.

JACK: (hisses) Be quiet mum, or you’ll wake Buttercup.

DAME TROTT: I want to wake her! Why isn’t she already up?

JACK: The giant frightened her earlier and gave her hiccups, so I gave her something to calm her down and she fell asleep.

Enter Simon from cowshed with Buttercup.

SIMON: Simon says everybody go, moo! You’ve just said hello to Buttercup.

DAME TROTT: Why did you get Buttercup up, Simon?

SIMON: She was tossing about and mooing, like she was having a nightmare.

JACK: It was probably about the Giant. He frightened her earlier.

DAME TROTT: (fussing Buttercup) Did dat howible giant fwighten mumsy’s wickle baby? Has Buttercup had her breakfast yet, Simon?

SIMON: No mum.

JACK: What does she usually have for breakfast?

DAME TROTT: Moosli. And I’ll have some of her milk for my cereal.

SIMON: You can’t have any milk, mum.

DAME TROTT: Why not?

SIMON: Buttercup’s been hiccupping that much, all her milk’s turned to butter.

DAME TROTT: I’m sick of that Giant, turning Buttercup into a mobile milk churn. (handing Jack a coin) Here’s a pound, Jack. Fetch a carton of milk from Aldi.

SIMON: Take the old cow with you, Jack. She could do with the exercise.

JACK: Good idea, Simon. (takes Dame’s arm) Let’s go, mum.

DAME TROTT: He meant Buttercup!

JACK: I was only joking, mum. Come along Buttercup. (exits SR with Buttercup)

DAME TROTT: Come inside and help me strip wallpaper.

SIMON: Why bother redecorating when we might be getting evicted?

DAME TROTT: I believe in leaving a place as you found it, Simon.

SIMON: But you said this place was a bare shell when we moved in.

DAME TROTT: Exactly. Now come and help me strip the paper and put holes in the walls.

Exit Dame Trott and Simon inside.

SNATCH: (shouts off) We’re going too fast! Slow down! Slow down!

SFX: Bicycle bell ringing furiously, followed by a loud crash.

Enter Snatch and Grab (SL) with Bicycle tyres around their necks.

SNATCH: What were you trying to do back there?

GRAB: I was trying to overtake you.

SNATCH: But we were riding a tandem!

GRAB: So?

SNATCH: You can’t overtake the person in front on a tandem!

GRAB: Now, you tell me.

SNATCH: You know why we’re both here, don’t you?

GRAB: Our parents loved each other very much, and…

SNATCH: No, you idiot! We’re here to collect Dame Trott’s rent for the Squire!

GRAB: I’m a bit new to this bailiffing lark, bruv. What normally happens then?

SNATCH: She pays up or we evict her. Now, go and bang on her door with authority.

GRAB: (looking around) Is she here too?

SNATCH: Who?

GRAB: Our Dorothy?

SNATCH: Not our sister, Dorothy! I meant, with the authority of the law behind you.

GRAB: How hard shall I bang?

SNATCH: I don’t know! Why don’t you use your head?

GRAB: You want me to use my head!?

SNATCH: That’s what I just said, isn’t it?

GRAB: Righto. (bangs head on door and staggers) Ooooh! I’ve gone all dizzy.

SNATCH: Why did you just bang your head on the door?

GRAB: You told me to!

SNATCH: Oh no, I didn’t!

GRAB: Oh yes, you did!

SNATCH: Oh no, I didn’t!

GRAB: You told me to use my head! (to audience) Didn’t he?

SNATCH: I didn’t mean it literally!

Enter Dame Trott from the Dairy, looking flustered.

DAME TROTT: (adjusting her attire) Oh, hello. And what can I do for you two?

GRAB: Did we catch you unaware?

DAME TROTT: I’m not in my underwear! (flirting) But I am open to the idea.

SNATCH: I’d rather not picture that, thank you.

GRAB: I just did, and now it’s going to be with me forever.

DAME TROTT: What do you want anyway?

SNATCH: We’re the Squire’s bailiffs. I’m Snatch.

GRAB: And I’m Grab.

DAME TROTT: Your names match your job well.

SNATCH: Where’s the Squire’s money?

DAME TROTT: How should I know where he keeps his money?

GRAB: I meant, the money you owe the Squire.

SNATCH: Where do you keep your money?

DAME TROTT: In my drawers.

GRAB: Uggh! That’s another picture that’s going to be with me forever.

SNATCH: We want you to take out whatever’s in your drawers and give it to us.

DAME TROTT: I can’t take.

SNATCH: Why not?

DAME TROTT: Because the Squire’s already had his hands on it.

GRAB: Will you please stop putting these horrible pictures in my head!

SNATCH: Can’t you give us something in lieu?

DAME TROTT: (produces an Andrex toilet roll) Here you are then.

GRAB: Andrex loo roll!?

SNATCH: That’s no good!

DAME TROTT: I find it very good. It’s the only one my fingers don’t go through.

GRAB: If you can’t pay up, then you’ll have to go.

DAME TROTT: I’ve already been. Hence the loo roll.

SNATCH: He means, we’ll have to evict you.

Enter Jack with Buttercup (SR)

JACK: What’s going on here, mum?

DAME TROTT: The Squire’s bailiffs are trying to evict me for not paying the rent, Jack.

GRAB: She’s got a little behind.

DAME TROTT: (feels her bottom) A compliment at last.

SNATCH: He means, with the rent! And we’re here to collect.

JACK: (taking her aside) I have an idea mum, listen. (whispers)

DAME TROTT: Okay Jack, let’s do it.

JACK: (turns to Bailiffs) I appeal to you, take pity on the old cow.

GRAB: That’s no way to talk about your mum.

DAME TROTT: How very dare you!

JACK: I meant our old cow, Buttercup.

SNATCH: Why should we?

JACK: She’s not well and probably isn’t long for this world.

Buttercup is startled and her legs shake.

DAME TROTT: She might not make it through the night. (dabs her eyes)

GRAB: What’s wrong with her?

JACK: Bovineitis.

SNATCH: What’s, Bovineitis?

DAME TROTT: It’s a nasty cow disease.

Buttercups legs buckle, and she moos plaintively.

GRAB: (worried) Can people catch it, too?

JACK: Yes, and it’s highly contagious.

SNATCH: Then how come you Trott’s haven’t caught it?

DAME TROTT: We’ve all been inoculated.

GRAB: Maybe we should go and get inoculated right away, Snatch.

SNATCH: Good idea. (to Dame Trott) We’ll be back tomorrow for your rent.

Exit Snatch and Grab at a run (SL)

JACK: At least we have another day to try and raise the rent money, mum.

DAME TROTT: Yes, Jack. I only wish we’d let poor Buttercup in on the act first.

JACK: Sorry Buttercup, we didn’t have time to tell you.

DAME TROTT: Come on Buttercup, we’ll have a cuppa and watch your favourite TV show.

JACK: What’s her favourite show, mum?

DAME TROTT: Cowonation Street. By the way, did you get me some milk from Aldi, Jack?

JACK: No mum, they were all out.

DAME TROTT: Never mind, we’ll have a latte instead. (exits inside with Buttercup)

JACK: I’m off to find Jill. It must be ten minutes since I last saw her, and I’m missing her already. See you later boys and girls! (exits SL)