SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF WHEYSIDE
Trott’s dairy is [USR] adjoining it is a cowshed with a practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Simon [SL]
SIMON: Hiya folks! I’m Simon Trott! Who wants to be on my team? Great! And as I’m the team leader, you must do everything I say, okay? Simon says, turn to the person on your left and say, I like you in a very special way. Now, turn to the person on your right and say, I like you in a very special way too. There, that should help keep things nice and friendly.
GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!
SIMON: You’re a big pain in the bum! That’s Blunderbore the giant, who lives in a big castle above the clouds. Beats me how it stays up there, seeing as clouds are just condensed water. I’m guessing it must be some kind of magic.
GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!
Fleshcreep, fill my empty tum!
SIMON: Fleshcreep’s the giant’s slave and he’s a nasty piece of work.
Enter Jack [SR]
JACK: Hello Simon!
SIMON: Hi, Jack!
JACK: Who were you talking to just now?
SIMON: [indicating audience] My Simon says, team.
JACK: You’ve got a big team today, Simon.
SIMON: Speaking of big things. I’ve just been telling everybody about the giant.
JACK: I hope you haven’t been frightening them too much.
SIMON: No Jack – the giant will do that all by himself.
JACK: Let’s forget about the giant and talk about nice things for change.
SIMON: Like what for instance?
JACK: Like me, being in love.
SIMON: All right Jack, who is she this time?
JACK: Her name’s Jill. [sighs – hand on heart]
SIMON: You don’t feel a sudden urge to go up a hill to fetch water, do you?
JACK: No Simon – why do you ask?
SIMON: No reason really.
JACK: Jill’s the daughter of Squire Moneybags, and I’ve asked her to marry me.
SIMON: That’s a bit quick, isn’t it? Even for a panto.
JACK: It’s the real thing this time Simon.
SIMON: It always is with you Jack.
JACK: The only problem is her father insists she marries somebody rich.
SIMON: That lets you out then.
JACK: But I love her terribly.
SIMON: Maybe you ought to practice a bit more then.
JACK: I’d like to, but it’s not easy with her father watching her every move.
SIMON: It’s probably your moves he’s worried about.
JACK: And how’s your love life Simon?
SIMON: My new girlfriend thinks I’m a bit of a stalker.
JACK: I didn’t know you had a girlfriend!
SIMON: She’s not technically my girlfriend.
JACK: What do you mean?
SIMON: I haven’t actually asked her out yet.
JACK: No wonder she thinks you’re a stalker.
SIMON: When will I get to meet this, Jill?
JACK: She said she might call round later.
SIMON: What’s she like around cranky old cows?
JACK: I’m sure her and mum will get along just fine.
SIMON: I meant Buttercup!
JACK: She’ll love Buttercup just as much as we do.
SIMON: Nobody could love her more than mum, though.
JACK: I think she loves that old cow more than she does us. Remember the time she thought Buttercup had a cold?
SIMON: I’ll never forget it. She gave her my bed and made me sleep in the cowshed.
Enter Jill [SR]
JACK: Jill!
JILL: Jack!
JACK: I’ve missed you terribly, Jill.
JILL: I’ve missed you even more, Jack.
SIMON: When was the last time you saw each other?
JACK: Half an hour ago.
SIMON: Half an hour ago!?
JILL: We hate being apart even for a minute.
JACK: [smoochy] I love you Jilly willy.
JILL: [smoochy] And I love you Jacky wacky.
SIMON: I feel sicky-wicky! See you all later team! [exits inside]
Recent Comments