Jack And The Beanstalk Version 2

SCENE ONE

THE VILLAGE OF MUTCH TWITTERING

Trott’s Dairy is [USR] Chorus and Jack are onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus and Jack. After song ends…

JACK: That was great fun everybody, wasn’t it?

CHORUS: Yes, Jack!

SFX: Lights flicker and thunder rolls.

Chorus look up in fear.

CHORUS 1: It sounds like Snot the Giant’s moving his furniture about again.

CHORUS 2: I hate being reminded of him up there.

GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I hate all human scum!

Exit Chorus screaming.

JACK: I’ll bring Snot down to earth one day, or my name isn’t Jack Trott. I’d better go and check on our cow, Buttercup. The giant’s roar always makes her nervous. See you later, boys and girls. [waves and exits SR]

Music cue 2: Enter Witch Hazel [DSL] with a broomstick.

WITCH: Don’t worry about the giant, boys and girls, he loves children. Especially in steak and kiddie pie. [laughs]

GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!

Hurry up and feed me, mum!

WITCH: I’m not really Snot’s mum. I only magicked him up to annoy the villagers, but I’m fed up with running about after him now. [shouts] Fleshcreep!

Enter Fleshcreep at a run [SR]

FLESHCREEP: You called, your evilness?
WITCH: The giant’s hungry. Capture some humans and take them to his castle.

FLESHCREEP: But how can I get up to his castle in the clouds, your nastiness?

WITCH: On this broomstick I pinched from Harry Potter.

FLESHCREEP: [takes it] Cor! It’s the Nimbus XR2, and it’s in mint condition!

WITCH: And make sure you keep it that way.

FLESHCREEP: I’ll treat it like a baby, mistress.

WITCH: I hope not, you usually eat babies.

FLESHCREEP: I’ve given up eating babies mistress.

WITCH: How come?

FLESHCREEP: I’ve moved on to toddlers now. [laughs]

SFX: Thunder rolls.

WITCH: Snot’s tummy rumbling. Feed him, and then collect the villager’s rent.

FLESHCREEP: Yes, your dreadfulness. [exits SL]

WITCH: And now, I can concentrate on making the villager’s lives even more miserable than they already are. [exits SL laughing]

Enter Chorus [SR] Music cue 3: Chorus. At a point in the song – Enter Dame Dottie [USR] who walks down a corridor made by the Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]

DAME TROTT: Hello everybody! I’m Dame Dottie Trott of Trott’s Dairy, and I supply milk to the whole village of Mutch Twittering. Not me personally, my cow Buttercup. And it’s delivered by my sons, Jack and Simon. Jack’s a clever lad, but Simon’s a bit dim. Mind you he was born during a power cut. [twirls] Do you like the outfit? Some people call me a diva, but I believe if you’ve got it, flaunt it. Mind you, with the cost of living crisis I can’t afford dresses like this anymore. I also can’t afford my energy bills, and I’m in danger of having it cut off.

Enter Simon at a run [SL]

SIMON: [gasping] Hello mum.

DAME TROTT: Hello Simon! Where’s Jack? He’s supposed to be taking Buttercup to market this morning.

SIMON: You’re not selling her are you mum?

DAME TROTT: No, I’m entering her in the most beautiful cow competition. She’s bound to win, and the prize money will help pay off all my debts.

SIMON: [still gasping] I haven’t seen Jack all morning, mum.

DAME TROTT: How come you’re all out of breath, Simon?

SIMON: You said we had to economise. So, I ran all the way here behind a bus to save on bus fare.

DAME TROTT: How much did you save?

SIMON: 50p.

DAME TROTT: You should’ve run behind a taxi and saved a tenner.

SIMON: I’ll try and remember that next time.

DAME TROTT: Let me see those milk bottles. [checks] You idiot, all that jogging’s turned the milk to butter! It’s no wonder people call you Simple Simon.

SIMON: I’m not stupid mum!

DAME TROTT: Well you give a very good impression.

SIMON: If I’m stupid, then it’s your gene pool to blame.

DAME TROTT: Any stupid genes come from your father’s side.

SIMON: What do you mean, mum?

DAME TROTT: He was from the shallow end.

SIMON: How come you’ve never told me what happened to dad?

DAME TROTT: I’m waiting until you’ve grown up before I tell you the grisly details

SIMON: But I am growed up mum!

DAME TROTT: Only from the neck down son. If you must know, he believed that he’d live longer by sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning. But he died suddenly, leaving me with two sons to bring up, plus a big hole in the wall of the crematorium to pay for. Mind you, he always said he wanted to go out with a bang.

SIMON: It sounds like he achieved his ambition.

DAME TROTT: I’d better try and find Jack, or Buttercup might miss the beauty show. Bye Simon. [leaves milk carrier upstage and exits SL]

SIMON: It gets me down when people call me Simple Simon, but maybe you can all help cheer me up. Every time I come on and shout hiya boys and girls, you all shout back, hiya Simon, and it’ll help cheer me up. Let’s have a practice then. [exits and re-enter] Hiya boys and girls! boy? Let’s try it again, and if you shout loud enough, I’ll share my sweeties with you. [repeat business] Fantastic! Here you go then. [distributes sweets]

Enter Jack [SR] with Buttercup who wears a big bow around her neck.

JACK: Hiya Simon!

SIMON: Where have you been Jack? Mum’s been looking everywhere for you.

JACK: I’ve been at the garage.

SIMON: But you don’t even own a car.

JACK: Mum asked me to wash and groom Buttercup ready for the most beautiful cow contest. So, I took her through the car wash to save time.

SIMON: Don’t you mean the cow wash? [laughs]