Jack And The Beanstalk Version 1

Scene One

Merrydale – Trott’s Dairy

Typical village square. Trott’s Dairy is (USL) and has a practical door and window. Music cue 3: Chorus of Villagers. After song ends…

JILL: If only we could be happy like this all of the time.

CHORUS 1: But everyday our happiness is spoiled by that horrible giant.

CHORUS 2: And there’s nothing we can do about him.

CHORUS 3: Even the King must do as he’s told.

JILL: My Jack will sort the giant out one of these days, you’ll see.

CHORUS 4: Isn’t he scared of taking on a man-eating giant, Jill?

JILL: Nothing scares my Jack – not even that giant bully.

Music cue 4: Enter Fleshcreep (SL)

FLESHCREEP: So, your Jack’s not afraid of my master, eh?

JILL: No, and I’m not afraid of you Fleshcreep.

FLESHCREEP: (strokes Jill’s hair) I don’t want you to be afraid of me, my dear.

CHORUS 5: Careful Jill, I think he has a soft spot for you.

JILL: He’s got lots of soft spots – and they’re called zits!

Chorus laugh.

FLESHCREEP: Shut up, or you’ll all be sorry!

JILL: Just go away Fleshcreep you nasty man.

SFX: Peal of thunder.

GIANT: Fe-fi-fo-fum! I love humans in my tum!

Exit terrified Chorus at a run (SR)

FLESHCREEP: Look at them run! And if Jack Trott were here, he’d run away too.

JILL: Oh no, he wouldn’t!

FLESHCREEP: Oh yes, he would!

JILL: Oh yes, he would!

FLESHCREEP: Oh no, he wouldn’t!

JILL: I’m glad you agree.

FLESHCREEP: Very clever my pretty – very clever indeed,

I’ll return when the giant wants a feed. (exits SL)

JILL: What a creep. I can’t wait for Jack to sort him and the giant out. I’ll see you later boys and girls, and don’t let that giant frighten you. (exits SR)

Enter Simon (SL)

SIMON: Hiya kids! My name’s Simon, and I’m Jack Trott’s brother. I’m not as brave as our Jack, though. He’d take on the giant, with one hand tied behind his back. But I’m sure he’d appreciate a bit of support. So, I’m forming the Jack Trott Supporters Club. Would you all like to join? I said, would you like to join the Jack Trott Supporters Cub? Fantastic!

Enter Jack (SR)

JACK: Hiya Simon! You haven’t seen Jill about, have you?

SIMON: No Jack. How long have you two been going out together?

JACK: Almost a year now. Music cue 5: Jack. After song ends…

SIMON: Listen Jack. Seeing as you might be taking on the giant, soon. I thought I’d get a few supporters to cheer you on. (indicating audience) Look!

JACK: (looking out) Wow! That’s amazing, Simon!

SIMON: I thought you’d be impressed.

JACK: I certainly am. I just hope they’re braver than the last audience we had.

SIMON: This lot are much braver. (to audience) Aren’t you?

JACK: Did you warn them that they could be eaten by the giant if they get caught?

SIMON: I didn’t bother them with minor details, but they’re very keen.

JACK: It’s good to know they’ll all be behind me when I take on the giant.

SIMON: (jumps behind Jack) And I’ll be behind the lot of you.

JACK: (to audience) And now you’re all my supporters. Whenever I come on, I’ll shout hi gang! And I want you all to shout back, hi Jack! As loud as you can. Will you do that? Let’s give it a go then. (exits and re-enters) Hi gang! I thought you said they were better than the last lot, Simon?

SIMON: They just warming up, Jack. Do it again and I’m sure they’ll raise the roof.

JACK: Okay, Simon. (repeats business) Hi gang! That was brilliant!

SIMON: By the way Jack, there’s been an accident at the dairy.

JACK: Don’t tell me your smelly socks have fallen into the cheese maker, again? The last time that happened, all the Wensleydale turned into Danish Blue.

SIMON: It wasn’t the only thing that turned blue, once mum found out.

JACK: If only people realised how that stuff was made.

SIMON: They do now.

JACK: So what was the accident, then?

SIMON: I think one of the dairymaids slipped and fell. Anyway, I’d better take Daisy for her daily walk. See you later, Jack. (exits SL)

JACK: I’d better be off, too. The new milk-float’s being delivered today and I want to give it a test-drive. (waving to audience) Bye gang! (exits SL)

Enter Dame Trott (SR) carrying a shopping bag.

DAME TROTT: (to audience) Hello boys and girls! What a morning I’ve had. I’ve been up since the crack of Dawn. Dawn the dairymaid, that is. She slipped on some best butter and fractured her big toe. I’m Dame Trott. And I run Trott’s Dairy with my two sons, Simon and Jack. One’s got no get up and go, and the other one’s brain got up and went. I’m also a widow. (elicits sympathy) My late husband was a tightwad. He used to say, what you’ve never had you’ll never miss. So he never gave me anything. But he wasn’t all bad. Just the bit between the top of his head and the soles of his feet. Our wedding day was an emotional affair. My mother was crying, my father was crying, the vicar was crying. Even the cake was in tiers. Afterwards, he whisked me away on a P&O cruise. Pubs and off licenses, that is. Then ten years ago he died in a freak accident, whilst working on a local farm. He fell into a slurry pit and drowned, and all we found was his toupee floating on the top. I’ll never forget the sight of that, slurry with the fringe on top. Trott’s dairy’s currently going through a sticky patch. I’m months behind with the rent, and the King’s coming to collect today. I’m at my wits end. So, I did what most women do when they’re at their wits end. I went shopping and bought lots of sweeties. Then I realised I’m on a diet and can’t eat them. Would you like them instead? (distributes sweets)

Enter Simon (SL)

SIMON: Hi mum!

DAME TROTT: Hello Simon. (looks past him) Where’s Daisy?

SIMON: I was hoping you could tell me, mum.

DAME TROTT: Didn’t you take her for a walk this morning?

SIMON: Yes, mum. But then I popped into a shop to buy us both a Cornetto, and when I came back out, she’d gone.

DAME TROTT: Don’t tell me you’ve lost our Daisy!

SIMON: Don’t worry mum. I’m sure she’ll find her own way home.

DAME TROTT: What do you think she is? A homing cow? I hope she hasn’t been kidnapped.

SIMON: Don’t you mean, cownapped?

DAME TROTT: (to audience) Have any of you seen Daisy? She has lovely silky smooth skin. Big blue eyes, with horns at one end and a tail at the other.

SIMON: Why don’t we try calling her, mum?

DAME TROTT: All right, Simon. After three…three!

BOTH: (calling) Daisy! Daisy!

DAME TROTT: It’s no use, she obviously can’t hear us.

SIMON: Why don’t we ask Jack’s supporters club, to help us call her?

DAME TROTT: Jack has a supporter’s club?

SIMON: Yes, mum

DAME TROTT: Where are they then?

SIMON: (indicating audience) There they are!

DAME TROTT: Some look as though they need supporting. With Zimmer frames.

SIMON: You can talk!

DAME TROTT: Of course I can talk! That’s what words are for.

SIMON: (to audience) Help us call Daisy, gang. After
Three. One…two…three!

BOTH: (lead audience) Daisy! Daisy!

Daisy pokes her head through wing (SL) then disappears again.

DAME TROTT: I think she’s got stage-fright, Simon.

SIMON: Let’s call her again.

BOTH: (lead audience) Daisy! Daisy!

Daisy pokes her head through wing again.

DAME TROTT: Don’t be shy daisy. Come and say hello to all the lovely boys and girls.

Enter Daisy (SL) Music cue 6 Daisy dances. After song ends…

SIMON: Daisy’s caught the dancing bug ever since she watched Strictly, mum.

DAME TROTT: Yes, but why’s she wearing a bell around her neck?

SIMON: Because her horns don’t work. (squeezes Daisy’s horns)

SFX: Peal of thunder.

GIANT: Fe-fi-fo-fum!I smell beef. Yum-yum!

Daisy trembles.

DAME TROTT: Don’t worry, Daisy. I won’t let the giant get his mitts on your…udders.

SIMON: Is she carries on shaking, her milk will all turn to butter.

DAME TROTT: Let’s take her inside and give her something to calm her down.

SIMON: Tranquillisers?

DAME TROTT: Horlicks!

SIMON: I only asked!

Exit Dame Trott and Simon into cottage.

Enter Push and Shove (SR)

PUSH: Please welcome, heir royal majesties, King Horace and Queen Matilda!

Music cue 7: Enter King Horace and Queen Matilda (SR)

KING: Do we have to go through with this, Mattie?

QUEEN: Yes, Horace. Dame Trott’s behind with her rent and must pay up today.

KING: But what if she refuses to open the door?

SHOVE: Then we’ll open it for her.

KING: Do you have a key?

PUSH: We don’t need a key.

KING: Then how do you expect to get in?

SHOVE: We’ll break down her door.

KING: Isn’t that against the law?

QUEEN: Constables Push and Shove, are the law!

PUSH: Once she sees the size of my truncheon, she’ll be happy to open up.

KING: You can’t hit Dame Trott with your truncheon!

SHOVE: He’s always hitting me with it.

PUSH: Only when you annoy me. (hits Shove)

SHOVE: Owah! What was that for?

PUSH: You annoyed me just then.

QUEEN: Stop messing about and knock on her door!

SHOVE: Righto. (knocks on cottage door)

DAME TROTT: Who’s there?

SHOVE: Ivor!

DAME TROTT: Ivor who?

SHOVE: Ivor warrant for your arrest!

Push knocks on cottage door.

SIMON: Who’s there?

PUSH: Hugh!

SIMON: Hugh who?

PUSH: Hugh open this door, or we’ll break it down!

DAME TROTT: (opens window) What do you want?

SHOVE: What have you got?

SIMON: (pops his head out) Dysentery.

KING: I’ve come for it, Dame Trott!

DAME TROTT: If you mean the rent, I haven’t got it.

KING: I knew it!

QUEEN: Pay your rent, or the giant will make us pay!

KING: She’s right, Dame Trott.

PUSH: Come out, or we’re coming in!

DAME TROTT: All right, we’re coming!

Enter Dame Trott and Simon from cottage.

SHOVE: (to Dame Trott) Give us the money, honey. Or it’s porridge for you.

DAME TROTT: Porridge and honey sound lovely.

SIMON: We’ve been living on baked beans for weeks.

SFX: Loud breaking wind sound.

PUSH: (wafting) I thought there was an ill wind blowing.

KING: I’m sorry Dame Trott, but I simply must have it!

DAME TROTT: Listen Kingy. If I had it, you could have it. But I haven’t, so you can’t.

KING: Then I’m afraid it’s prison for you.

DAME TROTT: (bellows) Prison!

KING: (hides behind Queen) It’s not our fault! The giant makes us do it!

QUEEN: (drags him to the front) Stand up to her, you big girl’s blouse!

SIMON: Can’t your majesties give us a bit more time to pay?

KING: How much more time do you need?

DAME TROTT: About twenty-five years, should do it.

QUEEN: Don’t talk ridiculous!

DAME TROTT: That’s my best offer, take it or leave it.

KING: (sidles up to Dame Trott) What about a little something on account?

DAME TROTT: I do have my pride, but times are desperate. (reveals her leg)

The King moves away in horror.

QUEEN: He meant, money!

DAME TROTT: But I keep telling you – I’m skint!

KING: In that case. (to Push & Shove) Take her away!

DAME TROTT: Lay one finger on me, and I could turn very ugly.

SHOVE: For you, that would be an improvement.

PUSH: (grabs hold of Dame Trott) Irish stew.

DAME TROTT: Irish stew?

PUSH: Irish stew in the name of the law.

SIMON: Isn’t that joke a bit too old, even for a panto?

SHOVE: No joke is too old for this panto. As the audience will soon discover.

PUSH: You have the right to remain silent.

SIMON: If she does it’ll be a first.

PUSH: Anything you say will be taken down.

DAME TROTT: Knickers!

All cover their mouths.

SHOVE: (puts a hand on Dame Trott) Yoghurt!

DAME TROTT: Yoghurt?

PUSH: Yo-got-a-go to jail!

SHOVE: What do you have to say to that?

DAME TROTT: Nothing – I’m a woman of very few words.

PUSH: You have a small vocabulary?

DAME TROTT: Only for the constabulary.

SFX: Peal of thunder.

GIANT: Fe-fi-fo-fum!I smell the blood of an Englishman.Be he alive or be he dead,I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.

SIMON: Hasn’t he ever heard of Homepride?

Music cue 8: Enter Fleshcreep (SL)

FLESHCREEP: (to King) Having a little trouble, your scaredship?

KING: (cowers) N-n-no, Mr Fleshcreep.

QUEEN: Isn’t there anybody brave enough to stand up to the giant?

Enter Jill (SR)

JILL: Yes, there is! Jack Trott!

FLESHCREEP: Hah! My master will eat his flesh and use his bones to pick his teeth!

JILL: Jack will bring the giant to his knees, and make him beg, pretty please!

DAME TROTT: I’ve always taught my boys to never pick fights with fifty-foot giants.

JILL: Jack has a supporter’s club and they’re not afraid of you either, Fleshcreep.

FLESHCREEP: Where are they? My master could do with some fresh meat.

SIMON: (pointing out) There they are!

FLESHCREEP: (to audience) My master will crush you,He’ll beat you and mush you.Then spread you on toast,That’s the thing he loves most. (to King)Have the gold by the time I return,Or on the giant’s barbecue, you all will burn! (exits SL laughing)

KING: (scared) Ooooh! We’ll all end up as giant kebabs!

DAME TROTT: Come back tomorrow your majesties, and I might have a little something for you.

QUEEN: Very well, but this is your last chance. Have the money tomorrow or else.

SHOVE: Yoghurt

DAME TROTT: I know – yo-got-a-go to jail.

PUSH: No – yo-got-a one more day! (laughs)

DAME TROTT: Ah shaddupa your face.

Exit Royal party (SR)

SIMON: I’d better be off too, mum.

DAME TROTT: Where are you going, Simon?

SIMON: I’ve got a job interview.

JILL: You’re leaving the family business!?

SIMON: No! But you don’t pay me, and it’s to help with the rent.

DAME TROTT: How come you didn’t tell me this before?

SIMON: I didn’t want to raise your hopes in case I don’t get it.

DAME TROTT: Don’t worry, Simon. Dame Trott’s used to having her hopes dashed.

SIMON: Then maybe you shouldn’t have taken the role. See you later. (exits SL)

DAME TROTT: If I can’t pay my rent tomorrow, we’ll be evicted from our lovely home. And I couldn’t bear having to walk the streets again.

JILL: I’ll find Jack and tell him what’s happening, Mrs T. (exits SR)

DAME TROTT: I’d better go and check on poor Daisy. Bye, boys and girls! (exits inside)