Jack And The Beanstalk Version 1

Scene One

Merrydale – Trott’s Dairy

Typical village square. Trott’s Dairy is (USL) and has a practical door and window. Music cue 3: Villagers. After song ends…

Jill If only we could be happy like this all the time.

Villager 1 But everyday our happiness is spoiled by that horrible giant.

Villager 2 And there’s nothing we can do about him.

Villager 3 Even the King must do as he’s told.

Jill My Jack will sort the giant out one of these days, you’ll see.

Villager 4 Isn’t he scared of taking on a man-eating giant, Jill?

Jill Jack’s not scared of anything. Especially not that big bully.

Music cue 4: Enter Fleshcreep (SL)

Fleshcreep So, your Jack’s not afraid of my master, eh?

Jill No! And I’m not afraid of you, Fleshcreep.

Fleshcreep (strokes Jill’s hair) I don’t want you to be afraid of me, my dear.

Villager 5 Watch out, Jill. I think he has a soft spot for you.

Jill He’s soft in the head if he thinks I’m interested in him.

Villagers laugh.

Fleshcreep Shut up, you lot or you’ll all be sorry!

Jill Just go away Fleshcreep. You horrible, nasty man.

SFX: Peal of thunder.

Giant Fe-fi-fo-fum!
I love humans in my tum!

Exit terrified Villagers at a run (SR)

Fleshcreep Look at them run! And if Jack Trott were here, he’d run away too.

Jill Oh no, he wouldn’t!

Fleshcreep Oh yes, he would!

Jill Oh yes, he would!

Fleshcreep Oh no, he wouldn’t!

Jill I’m glad you agree.

Fleshcreep Very clever, my pretty. Very clever indeed.
I’ll be back when my master wants a feed. (exits SL laughing)

Jill What a creep. I can’t wait until Jack takes him and the giant down a peg. (exits SR)

Enter Simon (SL)

Simon Hiya kids! My name’s Simon, and I’m Jack Trott’s brother. I’m not as brave as our Jack, though. He’d take on the giant, with one hand tied behind his back. But I’m sure he’d appreciate a bit of support. So, I’m forming the Jack Trott Supporters Club. Would you all like to join? I said, would you all like to join the Jack Trott Supporters Cub? (response) Fantastic! Our Jack will be dead chuffed, when he finds out.

Enter Jack (SR)

Jack Hiya Simon! You haven’t seen Jill about have you?

Simon No Jack. How long have you two been going out together, now?

Jack Almost a year. I’ll never forget when we met. Music cue 5: Jack. After song ends…

Simon Listen Jack. Seeing as you’re talking about taking on the giant, soon. I thought I’d get a few supporters to cheer you on. (indicating audience) Look!

Jack (looking out) Wow! That’s amazing!

Simon I thought you’d be impressed.

Jack I certainly am. I only hope they’re braver than the last audience we had.

Simon This lot are much braver. (to audience) Aren’t you?

Jack Did you warn them that they could be eaten by the giant if they get caught?

Simon I didn’t bother them with the minor details, Jack. But they’re very keen.

Jack (to audience) It’s good to know that you’ll all be behind me, when I take on the giant.

Simon And I’ll be behind the lot of you. (aside) About ten miles behind.

Jack (to audience) Let’s see what all you’re like at cheering. Whenever I come on, I’ll shout hi gang! And I want you all to shout back, hi Jack! As loud as you can. Will you do that? Let’s give it a go then. (exits and re-enters) Hi gang! I thought you said they were better than the last lot, Simon?

Simon They just need warming up a bit first. Have another go.

Jack Okay. (exits and re-enters) Hi gang! That was a bit better. I’ll have one more go, and this time, I want you to raise the roof. (exits and re-enters) Hi gang! Brilliant!

Simon By the way Jack. There’s been an accident at the dairy.

Jack Don’t tell me your smelly socks have fallen into the cheese maker, again? Only the last time that happened, all the Wensleydale turned into Danish Blue.

Simon It wasn’t the only thing that turned blue, once mum found out.

Jack If only people realised how that stuff was made.

Simon Well, they do now. Anyway, it’s nothing to do with socks. It was one of the dairymaids.

Jack Are they all right?

Simon I think so. I’d better be going. I promised mum I’d take Daisy for a walk this morning. (waves to audience) Bye, everybody! (exits SL)

Jack (to audience) I’d better be off, too. The new milk-float’s being delivered today, and I want to give it a test-drive. Bye gang! (exits SL)

Enter Dame Trott (SR) carrying a shopping bag.

Dame Trott (to audience) Hello boys and girls! What a morning I’ve had. I’ve been up since the break of Dawn. Dawn the dairymaid, that is. She slipped on some butter and broke her arm. I’m Dame Trott. And I run Trott’s Dairy with my two useless sons, Simon and Jack. One’s got no get up and go, and the other one’s brain got up and went. I’m also a widow. (elicits sympathy) My late husband was a tower of strength, a pillar of the community, and a prop for the local bar. He used to say to me, what you’ve never had you’ll never miss. So he never gave me anything. But he wasn’t all bad. Just the bit between the top of his head and the soles of his feet. Our wedding day was an emotional affair. My mother was crying, my father was crying, the vicar was crying. Even the cake was in tiers. After the ceremony he whisked me away on a P&O cruise. Pubs and off licenses, that is. But he died in a freak accident, whilst working on a local farm. He fell into a slurry pit and drowned. And all we found was his toupee, floating on top. I’ll never forget the sight of that, slurry with the fringe on top. But Trott’s dairy’s been going through a sticky patch recently. I’m months behind with the rent, and the King’s coming to collect today. I don’t know what to do, I’m at my wits end. So, I did what every woman does when she’s at her wits end. I went shopping. And I bought lots of sweeties. Would you like some? (distributes sweets)

Enter Simon (SL)

Simon Hi mum!

Dame Trott Hello Simon. (looks past him) Where’s our Daisy?

Simon I was hoping you could tell me, mum.

Dame Trott But didn’t you take her for a walk this morning?

Simon Yes, mum. But then I popped into a shop to buy us an ice-cream. And when I came back out, she’d disappeared.

Dame Trott Don’t tell me you’ve gone and lost poor Daisy!

Simon Yes, but don’t worry mum. I’m sure she’ll find her own way home.

Dame Trott What do you think she is? A homing cow? I hope she hasn’t been kidnapped.

Simon Don’t you mean, cownapped?

Dame Trott (to audience) Have any of you seen our Daisy? You can’t mistake her. She has lovely silky brown hair. The biggest, beautifullest eyes. And a tail at one end.

Simon Why don’t we try calling her, mum?

Dame Trott All right, Simon. After three…three!

Both (calling) Daisy! Daisy!

Dame Trott It’s no use Simon. She obviously can’t hear us.

Simon Why don’t we ask Jack’s supporters club, to help us call her?

Dame Trott Jack has a supporter’s club?

Simon Yes, mum

Dame Trott Where are they then?

Simon (indicating audience) There they are!

Dame Trott (looking out) Blimey! That’s more than…(local football team)…get at home games.

Simon (to audience) Come on gang, help us call Daisy. After three…one…two…three!

Both (lead audience) Daisy! Daisy!

Daisy pokes her head through wing (SL) then disappears again.

Dame Trott She’s a bit shy, boys and girls.

Simon (to audience) Let’s call her again, everybody.

Both (lead audience) Daisy! Daisy!

Daisy pokes her head through wing again.

Dame Trott Don’t be shy daisy. Come and say hello to all the lovely boys and girls.

Enter Daisy (SL) Music cue 6: Daisy dances. After song ends…

Simon When did Daisy learn to dance, mum?

Dame Trott Ever since she watched Strictly. Why’s she wearing a bell around her neck, Simon?

Simon Because her horns don’t work. (squeezes Daisy’s horns)

SFX: Peal of thunder.

Giant Fe-fi-fo-fum!I smell beef. Yum-yum!

Daisy trembles.

Dame Trott Don’t worry, Daisy. I won’t let the giant get his mitts on your…udders.

Simon Is she carries on shaking, all her milk will turn to butter.

Dame Trott Let’s take her inside and give her something to calm her down.

Simon Tranquillisers?

Dame Trott Horlicks!

Simon I only asked, mum.

Exit both into cottage.

Enter Push and Shove (SR)

Push Their royal majesties, King Horace and Queen Matilda!

Music cue 7: Enter King Horace and Queen Matilda (SR)

King Do we really have to go through with this, Matti?

Queen Yes, Horace. Dame Trott’s months behind with her rent and must pay up today.

King But what if she refuses to open the door?

Shove Then we’ll open it for her.

King Do you have a key?

Push We don’t need a key.

King Then how do you expect to get in?

Shove We’ll break down the door.

King Isn’t that against the law?

Queen They are the law!

Push (saluting) Constables Push and Shove!

Shove (saluting) At your majesties service!

Push Once she sees the size of my truncheon, she’ll be only too happy to open her door.

King You can’t hit Dame Trott with that!

Shove Why not? He’s always hitting me with it.

Push Only when you annoy me. (hits Shove)

Shove Owah! What was that for?

Push You annoyed me just then.

Queen Stop messing about and knock on the door.

Shove Righto. (knocks on cottage door)

Dame Trott Who’s there?

Shove Ivor!

Dame Trott Ivor who?

Shove Ivor warrant for your arrest!

Push knocks on cottage door.

Simon Who’s there?

Push Hugh!

Simon Hugh who?

Push Hugh open this door, or we’ll break it down!

Dame Trott (opens the window) What do you want?

Shove What have you got?

Simon (pops his head out) Dysentery.

King I’ve come for it, Dame Trott!

Dame Trott If you mean the rent. I haven’t got it.

King I knew it! (turns to go)

Queen (pulling him back) If we don’t collect her rent, the giant will squash us like flies!

King She’s right, Dame Trott. The giant makes the law around here.

Push And we’re here to enforce it.

Shove Have mercy, Percy!

Push Come out Dame Trott, or we’re coming in!

Dame Trott All right, we’re coming!

Enter Dame Trott and Simon from cottage.

Push (to Dame Trott) Give us the money, honey.

Shove Or it’s porridge for you.

Dame Trott Porridge and honey sound lovely. We’re that poor we’ve been eating nothing but baked beans all week.

SFX: Loud breaking wind sound.

Push (wafting) I thought there was an ill wind blowing.

King I’m sorry Dame Trott, but I simply must have it!

Dame Trott Listen Kingy. If I had it, you could have it. But I haven’t, so you can’t.

King Then I’m afraid you must go to prison.

Dame Trott (bellows) Prison!

King (jumps behind the Queen) It’s not my fault. I don’t make the rules.

Queen (drags him to the front) Stand up to her, you big girl’s blouse!

Simon Can’t your majesties give us a bit more time to pay?

King How much more time do you need?

Dame Trott About twenty-five years, should do it.

Shove Have mercy, Percy!

Push Why do you keep on saying that?

Shove It’s my new catchphrase.

Push Well it just sounds stupid.

Shove You’re only jealous because you haven’t got one.

Push Shut it! (hits him with truncheon)

King (sidles up to Dame Trott) How about a little something on account?

Dame Trott Well I do have my pride, but times are desperate. (reveals her leg)

The King moves away in horror.

Queen He meant, money!

Dame Trott No can do I’m afraid. I’m skint.

King In that case. (to Push & Shove) Take her away!

Dame Trott Lay one finger on me, and I could turn very ugly.

Shove For you, that would be an improvement.

Push (grabs hold of Dame Trott) Irish stew.

Dame Trott Irish stew?

Push Irish stew in the name of the law.

Simon Isn’t that joke a bit too old, even for panto?

Shove No joke is too old for this panto. As the audience will soon discover.

Push You have the right to remain silent.

Simon If she does it’ll be a first.

Push Anything you say will be taken down.

Dame Trott Knickers!

All cover their mouths.

Shove (puts a hand on Dame Trott) Yoghurt!

Dame Trott Yoghurt?

Push Yo-got-a-go to jail!

Shove What have you got to say to that?

Dame Trott Nothing. I’m a woman of very few words.

Push You have a small vocabulary?

Dame Trott Only for the constabulary.

SFX: Peal of thunder.

Giant Fe-fi-fo-fum!
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
Be he alive or be he dead,
I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.

Simon Hasn’t he ever heard of Homepride?

Music cue 8: Enter Fleshcreep (SL)

Fleshcreep (to King) Having a little trouble, your scaredship?

King (cowers) N-n-no, Mr Fleshcreep.

Queen Isn’t there anybody brave enough to stand up to the giant?

Enter Jill (SR)

Jill Yes there is! Jack Trott!

Fleshcreep That little pipsqueak? My master will eat his flesh and use his bones to pick his teeth!

Jill My Jack will find it a breeze, to bring the giant to his knees.

Dame Trott If there’s one thing I’ve taught my boys. It’s never to pick fights with fifty-foot giants.

Jill Jack has a supporter’s club and they’re not afraid of you either, Fleshcreep.

Fleshcreep Where are they? My master could do with some fresh meat.

Simon (pointing to audience) There they are!

Fleshcreep (to audience) My master will crush you,
He’ll beat you and mush you.
Then spread you on toast,
That’s the thing he loves most.(to King)
Have the gold ready by the time I return,
Or on Blunderbore’s barbecue, you all will burn! (exits SL laughing)

King (scared) Oohh! We’ll all end up as giant kebabs!

Dame Trott Come back tomorrow your majesties, and I might have a little something for you.

Queen Very well. But this is your last chance. Have the money tomorrow or else.

Shove Yoghurt

Dame Trott I know. Yo-got-a-go to jail.

Push No. Yo-got-a one more day! (laughs)

Dame Trott A shaddupa your face.

Exit Royal party (SR)

Simon I’d better be off too, mum.

Dame Trott Where are you going, Simon?

Simon I’ve got a job interview.

Jill You’re taking on a second job?

Simon It’s to help pay our rent.

Dame Trott How come you didn’t tell me this before?

Simon I didn’t want to raise your hopes, in case I don’t get it.

Dame Trott Don’t worry, son. I’ve had my hopes dashed that often, I’ve become immune.

Simon Wish me luck then. (exits SL)

Dame Trott Luck? (to audience) The only luck we ever have, is bad luck.

Jill I’ll go and find Jack and tell him what’s happening, Mrs T. (exits SR)

Dame Trott If I can’t pay my rent tomorrow, we’ll be evicted from our lovely home. I couldn’t bear having to walk the streets again. I’d better go and check on Daisy. Bye! (exits inside)