Scene One
The Village Of Merrydale/Dame Trott’s Cottage
Typical village exterior scene depicting market day in the village square. Dame Trott’s Cottage is (USL) The Chorus dressed as Villagers are already onstage and some tend barrow-type market stalls. They perform a lively opening number. Music cue 3: Villagers. After number ends…
Jill
(sighs) If only we could be happy like this all the time. But everyday our happiness is spoiled by that horrible Giant.
Villagers
(variously) Yes! That’s true! It’s terrible!
Villager 1
But what can we do Jill?
Villager 2
We don’t want to end up as paté, on giant toast.
Villager 3
Even the King must do as he’s told.
Jill
Jack will sort the Giant out one of these days, you’ll see.
Villager 1
(laughs) Your Jack can’t even sort himself out a job.
Jill
At least he’s not afraid of the Giant.
Music cue 4: Lights dim briefly and Fleshcreep enters (SL)
Fleshcreep
So, your Jack’s not afraid of my master, eh?
Jill
No and I’m not afraid of you, Fleshcreep.
Fleshcreep
(strokes Jill’s hair) I don’t want you to be afraid of me.
Villager 2
Careful Jill. I think he’s got a soft spot for you.
Villager 3
He’s got lots of soft spots. And they’re called ‘zits!’
Villagers laugh.
Fleshcreep
Shut up, or you’ll all be sorry!
Jill
Just go away, you horrible man.
Fleshcreep grabs hold of Jill.
Villagers
(variously) Get off her! Leave her alone!
SFX: Peal of thunder.
Giant
Fe-fi-fo-fum!
I’ll chew them up like bubble gum!
Villagers cower and move away in fear.
Fleshcreep
Cower, you snivelling snot-rags! My master is the most powerful in all the land. And if Jack Trott were here, he’d quiver just like the rest of you!
Jill
Oh no, he wouldn’t!
Fleshcreep
Oh yes, he would!
Jill
Oh no, he wouldn’t!
Fleshcreep
Oh yes, he would!
Jill
Oh yes, he would!
Fleshcreep
Oh no, he wouldn’t!
Jill
I’m glad you agree.
Fleshcreep
Very clever my pretty. For now, I’ll attend to my master’s need. But I’ll be back, when he wants a feed. (exits SL laughing)
Villagers
(variously) Are you all right? Did he hurt you?
Jill
I’m fine. Now let’s go and find Jack.
All exit (SR)
Simon enters (SL)
Simon
Hiya kids! My name’s Simon, and I’m Jack Trott’s brother. I’m not as brave as our Jack, though. He’d take the on Giant, with one hand tied behind his back. But I’m sure he’d appreciate a bit of support. So, I’m forming the ‘Jack Trott Supporters Club’. Would you all like to join? (audience respond) I said, would you all like to join the Jack Trott Supporters Cub? (audience respond) Great. Our Jack will be dead chuffed.
Jack and Children enter (SR)
Jack
Hiya Simon! You haven’t seen Jill about have you?
Simon
No Jack. How long have you two been out together?
Jack
Almost a year now. (sighs) But it still only seems like yesterday, since we first met. I’m crazy about her. Music cue 5: Jack and Children. After number ends…He dismisses the Children. Run along gang and I’ll see you all later.
Children wave and exit.
Simon
Listen Jack. Seeing as you’re going to be taking on the Giant soon. I thought I’d get a few supporters to cheer you on. (indicating audience) And there they are.
Jack
(looking out) Wow!
Simon
I thought you’d be impressed.
Jack
I certainly am. I only hope they’re braver than the last lot we had in.
Simon
Oh, this lot are much braver. (to audience) Aren’t you?
Jack
Do they realise they could get mashed bashed beaten and eaten? If they get caught by the Giant?
Simon
I didn’t bother them with minor details. But they’re very keen.
Jack
(to audience) It’s nice to know you’ll all be behind me when I take on the Giant.
Simon
Yes, and I’ll be behind the lot of you. (jumps behind Jack)
Jack
(to audience) I tell you what. Whenever I come on, I’ll shout ‘hi gang.’ And I want you all to shout back, ‘hi Jack’ as loud as you can. Will you do that for me? (audience respond) I said will you do that? (audience respond) Thanks. Let’s give it a try. (exits SR then re-enters) Hi gang! (audience respond) I thought you said they were better than the last lot, Simon? I could hardly hear them.
Simon
They just need warming-up a bit. Have another go.
Jack
Ok then. (exits and re-enters) Hi gang! (audience respond) That was a bit better. But still not loud enough. We’ll have one more go. And this time I want you to raise the roof. (exits and re-enters) Hi gang! (audience respond) That was much better.
Simon
Oh, I forgot to tell you Jack. There’s been an accident at the dairy.
Jack
Don’t tell me your smelly socks have fallen into the cheese maker, again? Only the last time that happened, all the Wenslydale turned into Danish Blue.
Simon
It wasn’t the only thing that turned blue, once mum found out.
Jack
That’s true. If only people knew how that stuff was made.
Simon
Well they do now. Anyway, it’s nothing to do with my socks. One of the dairymaids slipped and hurt herself. Oh, and the new milk-float’s been delivered
Jack
Great! Let’s go and give it a test drive.
Simon
I can’t, Jack. I promised mum I’d take Daisy for a walk this morning.
Jack
Ok Simon. I’ll see you later then. (exits USR)
SFX: Loud mooing.
Simon
All right Daisy! I’m coming! (exits DSR)
Dame Trott enters (SL) with a shopping bag.
Dame Trott
(to audience) What a morning it’s been. I’ve been at the dairy since the break of Dawn. She slipped on a bit of best butter and broke her ankle. Oh, she is clumsy that Dawn. Allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Dame Trott. And I run Trott’s Dairy with my two sons, Simon and Jack. The only trouble is, one’s got no get up and go. And the other one’s brain got up and went. Trott’s Dairy goes back generations. Yes. The village of Merrydale’s had the Trott’s for years. I’ve been a widow for the past ten years. (elicits audience sympathy) My late husband was a tower of strength, a pillar of the community. And a prop for the local bar. He used to always say to me. ‘What you’ve never had you’ll never miss’. So he never gave me anything. But you know, he wasn’t all bad. Just the bit between the top of his head and the soles of his feet. Our wedding day was a very emotional affair. My mother was crying. My father was crying. The vicar was crying. Even the cake was in tiers. And after the ceremony he whisked me away on a P&O cruise. Pubs and off licenses, that is. But then he tragically died in a terrible accident, whilst working on a local farm. He fell into a slurry pit and drowned. And all we found was his toupee, floating on top. I don’t think I shall ever forget the sight of, the slurry with the fringe on top. But the dairy’s been going through a sticky patch recently. I’m months behind with the rent, and the King’s coming to collect today. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m at my wits end. So, I did what every woman does when she’s at her wits end. That’s right. I went shopping. And I bought lots and lots of sweeties. Would you like some? (audience respond and distributes sweets to audience)
Simon enters (DSR)
Simon
Hi mum!
Dame Trott
Oh, hello Simon. (looks past him) Where’s Daisy?
Simon
I was hoping you could tell me.
Dame Trott
But didn’t you take her for a walk?
Simon
Yes. But on the way, I popped into a shop to buy Daisy’s favourite, Polo Mints. And when I came back out, she’d gone. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll find her own way home.
Dame Trott
What do you think she is? A homing cow? I hope she hasn’t been kidnapped.
Simon
Don’t you mean ‘cownapped?’
Dame Trott
(to audience) Have any of you lot seen our Daisy? You can’t mistake her. She has lovely soft brown hair. A long tail at the back. And the biggest, beautifullest eyes.
Simon
Why don’t we try calling her, mum?
Dame Trott
Good idea.
Simon
After three…three!
Both
(call) Daisy! Daisy!
Dame Trott
It’s no use Simon. She obviously can’t hear us.
Simon
Then why don’t we ask Jack’s supporters club to help us call her?
Dame Trott
I didn’t know our Jack had a supporter’s club. Where are they then?
Simon
(indicating audience) There they are!
Dame Trott
(looking out) Blimey! Our Jack’s got more supporters than…(local football team)
Simon
(to audience) Come on gang, help us call Daisy. After three…one…two…three!
Both
Daisy! Daisy!
Dame Trott
(sings) #Give us your answer, do#
Daisy pokes her head through wing then disappears again.
Simon
(to audience) She’s a bit shy. Let’s try it again shall we.
Both
Daisy! Daisy!
Daisy pokes her head through again.
Dame Trott
Don’t be shy daisy. Come and say hello to all the nice boys and girls.
Villagers lead Daisy on (SL) Music cue 6: Daisy and Ensemble. After number ends…Dame Trott strokes Daisy.
Dame Trott
(to audience) I told you she was gorgeous, didn’t I? (to Simon) ‘Ere, Simon. Why’s Daisy got a bell round her neck?
Simon
‘Cos her horns don’t work. (squeezes Daisy’s horns)
SFX: Peal of thunder.
Giant
Fe-fi-fo-fum!
Daisy trembles.
Dame Trott
Stop shaking, Daisy. Otherwise all your milk will turn to butter.
Giant
Fe-fi-fo-fum!
I smell beef. Yum-yum-yum!
Dame Trott
Don’t worry, Daisy. I won’t let the Giant get his mitts on your…udders. (to Simon) Let’s take Daisy inside and give her something to calm her down.
Simon
Tranquillisers?
Dame Trott
Horlicks!
Simon
I only asked!
They exit into cottage
Villagers rush on (SR) and move to (SL)
Villagers
The Queen is coming! The Queen is coming!
Music cue 7: Push and Shove enter (SR) followed by the King and Queen.
Push
Make way for her majesty the Queen!
King tugs at Push.
Push
(sighs) And the King.
King
(waves weakly) Hello!
Queen
Don’t get familiar with the commoners, Horace.
King
Why ever not, Matti?
Queen
Because royalty should always remain aloof. (shoos Villagers) Be off with you.
Villagers exit (SR)
King
Do we have to go through with this?
Queen
Yes, we do! Dame Trott’s months behind with her rent.
King
But what if she refuses to open the door?
Shove
Then we’ll open it for her.
King
Have you got a key?
Push
We don’t need a key.
King
Then how do you expect to get in?
Shove
We’ll break the door down.
King
Isn’t that against the law?
Queen
(snaps) They are the flaming law!
Push & Shove
(saluting) Constables Push and Shove, at your service!
Push
(to King) Don’t worry your majesty. Once she sees the size of my truncheon, she’ll be only too happy to comply. (holds up his truncheon)
King
You can’t hit Dame Trott with that!
Shove
Why not? He’s always hitting me with it.
Push
Only when you annoy me. (hits Shove)
Shove
Owah! What was that for?
Push
You annoyed me just then.
Queen
Stop messing about and knock on the door.
Shove
Right’o. (knocks on cottage door)
Dame Trott
Who’s there?
Shove
Ivor!
Dame Trott
Ivor who?
Shove
Ivor warrant for your arrest!
Push knocks on cottage door.
Simon
Who’s there?
Push
Hugh!
Simon
Hugh who?
Push
Hugh open this door or we’ll break it down!
Dame Trott
(opens the window) What do you want?
Push
What have you got?
Dame Trott
Dysentery.
King
I’ve come for it, Dame Trott!
Dame Trott
If you mean the rent, we haven’t any.
King
(despairing) I knew it! (turns to go)
Queen
(pulling him back) Get back here! If we don’t collect her rent, the Giant will squash us all like flies!
King
(to audience) She’s right you know. The Giant makes the law around here.
Push
And we’re here to enforce it.
Shove
(exclaims) Have mercy, Percy!
Push
(bangs on the door) Come out, now!
Dame Trott
(shouts) All right, we’re coming!
Dame Trott and Simon enter from cottage and all move (DS)
Push
(to Dame Trott) Give us the money, honey.
Shove
Or it’s porridge for you.
Dame Trott
Porridge and honey sounds lovely. We’re so poor we’ve been eating nothing but baked beans all week.
SFX: Loud breaking wind sound.
Push
(wafting the air) I thought there was an ill wind blowing.
King
(urgently) I’m sorry Dame Trott, but I simply must have it!
Dame Trott
Listen Kingy. If I had it, you could have it. But I haven’t, so you can’t.
King
Then I’m afraid you’ll have to go to prison.
Dame Trott
(brings herself up to her full height and bellows) Prison!
King
(jumps behind the Queen) It’s not my fault. I don’t make the rules.
Queen
(drags him to the front) Stand up to her, you big girl’s blouse!
Simon
Couldn’t you give us a bit more time?
Push
How much more time do you need?
Dame Trott
About twenty-five years, should do it.
Shove
Have mercy, Percy!
Push
Why do you keep on saying that?
Shove
It’s my new catchphrase.
Push
Well it just sounds stupid.
Shove
At least I don’t look stupid
Push
You do, actually.
King
(sidles over to Dame Trott) What about a little something on account?
Dame Trott
Well I do have my pride. (slowly revealing her leg) But times are desperate.
The King moves away in horror.
Queen
He means ‘money’!
Dame Trott
No can do I’m afraid. I’m skint as a church mouse who’s just been made redundant from the cheese factory.
King
In that case. (to Push & Shove) Take her away!
Dame Trott
Lay one finger on me, and things could turn very ugly.
Shove
For you, that would be an improvement.
Push
(grabs hold of Dame Trott) Irish stew.
Dame Trott
Irish stew?
Push
Irish stew in the name of the law.
Shove
You have the right to remain silent.
Simon
If she does it’ll be a first.
Push
Anything you say will be taken down.
Dame Trott
Knickers!
All cover their mouths.
Dame Trott
What happens now?
Push
Yoghurt!
Dame Trott
Yoghurt?
Push
Yo-got-a-go to jail!
Shove
What have you to say to that?
Dame Trott
Nothing. I’m a woman of very few words.
Shove
You have a small vocabulary?
Dame Trott
Only for the constabulary.
SFX: Peal of thunder.
Giant
Fe-fi-fo-fum!
I smell the blood of an Englishman!
Be he alive or be he dead!
I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!
Dame Trott
Hasn’t he ever heard of Homepride?
Music cue 8: Lights dim briefly and Fleshcreep enters (SL)
Fleshcreep
(to King) Having a little trouble, your scaredship?
King
(cowers) N-n-no, Mr Fleshcreep.
Queen
Isn’t there anybody brave enough to stand up to the Giant?
Jill enters (SR)
Jill
Yes! Jack Trott!
Dame Trott
You mind your P’s and Q’s young lady. You could get our Jack into serious trouble talking like that.
Fleshcreep
Jack Trott! That snivelling little pip-squeak? My master will eat his flesh, and use his bones to pick his teeth!
Jill
Jack will bring Blunderbore to his knees. And make him say ‘pretty please’.
Dame Trott
Don’t listen to her, the poor girls deluded. If there’s one thing I’ve always taught my boys. It’s never to pick fights with fifty-foot Giants.
Jill
Jack has a supporter’s club and they’re not afraid of you either.
Fleshcreep
Where are they? My master could do with some fresh meat.
Simon
(pointing to audience) There they are!
Fleshcreep
(looks out) Bah! (threatens audience) My master will crush you,
He’ll beat you and mush you.
Then spread you on his toast,
That’s the thing he loves the most.
(to King) Have the gold ready by the time I return,
Or on Blunderbore’s barbecue, you all will burn! (exits SL laughing)
King
(shaking with fear) Ooohh! We’ll all end up as giant kebabs!
Dame Trott
Come back tomorrow your Kingship, and I’ll have the money for you.
King
Very well, Dame Trott. But this is your last chance.
Push
(to Dame Trott) Have the money by tomorrow, or else.
Shove
(to Dame Trott) Yoghurt!
Dame Trott
I know. Yo-got-a-go to jail.
Push
No. Yo-got-a one-a-more day.
Dame Trott
A shaduppa ya face.
Royal party exit (SR)
Jill
I’d better go and find Jack. This is getting serious. Bye Mrs T. (exits SR)
Simon
I’d better be off too, mum.
Dame Trott
Where are you going now?
Simon
I’m taking on a second job and I’ve got an interview I half an hour.
Dame Trott
How come you didn’t tell me this before?
Simon
I didn’t want to raise your hopes, mum.
Dame Trott
Huh! (wryly) There’s more chance of raising the Titanic.
Simon
Wish me luck then. (exits SR)
Dame Trott
Luck? (to audience) The only luck we ever have, is bad luck. And if we don’t get some money soon, we’ll be evicted from our lovely home. (sniffs) I couldn’t bear having to walk the streets again. (Daisy moos) I’d better go and check on Daisy. See you later folks. (exits into cottage)
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