SCENE ONE
MERRYDALE – TROTT’S DAIRY
Typical village square. Trott’s Dairy is [USL] and has a practical door and window. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…
JILL: If only we could be happy like this all of the time.
CHORUS 1: But everyday our happiness is spoiled by that horrible giant.
CHORUS 2: And there’s nothing we can do about him.
CHORUS 3: Even the King and Queen are under his giant thumb.
JILL: My Jack will sort Blunderbore out one of these days, you’ll see.
CHORUS 4: Isn’t he frightened of taking on a man-eating giant, Jill?
JILL: Nothing frightens my Jack, not even that giant bully.
Music cue 4: Enter Fleshcreep [SL]
FLESHCREEP: So, your Jack’s not afraid of my master, eh?
JILL: No, and I’m not afraid of you Fleshcreep.
FLESHCREEP: [stroking Jill’s hair] I don’t want you to be afraid of me, my dear.
CHORUS 5: Watch out Jill, I think he has a soft spot for you.
JILL: He’s got lots of soft spots, and they’re called zits!
Chorus laugh.
FLESHCREEP: Shut up, or you’ll all be sorry!
JILL: Just go away Fleshcreep, you horrible man.
GIANT: Fe-fi-fo-fum! I love humans in my tum!
Exit terrified Chorus at a run [SR]
FLESHCREEP: That’s it, run! And if Jack Trott were here, he’d run away too.
JILL: Oh no, he wouldn’t!
FLESHCREEP: Oh yes, he would!
JILL: Oh yes, he would!
FLESHCREEP: Oh no, he wouldn’t!
JILL: I’m glad you agree.
FLESHCREEP: Very clever my pretty, but just pay heed,
I’ll return when Blunderbore wants a feed. [exits SL]
JILL: Don’t let Fleshcreep or the giant frighten you boys and girls. My Jack will sort them both out, just you wait and see. [exits SR]
Enter Simon [SL]
SIMON: Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Simon Trott, and I’m Jack Trott’s brother. I’m not as brave as our Jack, though. He’d take on the giant with one hand tied behind his back, but I’m sure he’d appreciate a bit of support. So, I’m forming the Jack Trott Supporters Club. Would you all like to join? I said, would you like to join the Jack Trott Supporters Cub? Fantastic!
Enter Jack [SR]
JACK: Hiya Simon! You haven’t seen Jill about, have you?
SIMON: No Jack. How long have you two been going out together?
JACK: Almost a year now. Music cue 5: Jack. After song ends…
SIMON: Listen Jack. Seeing as you might be taking on the giant soon, I thought I’d get a few supporters to cheer you on. [indicating audience] Look!
JACK: Wow! That’s fantastic Simon!
SIMON: I thought you’d be impressed.
JACK: I certainly am. I only hope they’re braver than the last lot we had in.
SIMON: Oh, this lot are much braver. [to audience] Aren’t you?
JACK: Did you warn them they could be eaten by the giant if they get caught?
SIMON: I didn’t bother them with the minor details Jack, but they’re very keen.
JACK: It’s good to know they’ll all be behind me when I take on the giant.
SIMON: And I’ll be behind the lot of you. [aside] Far behind.
JACK: [to audience] And now that you’re all my supporters, whenever I come on I’ll shout hi gang! And I want you all to shout back, hi Jack! As loud as you can. Will you do that? Let’s give it a go then. [exits and re-enters] Hi gang! I thought you said they were better than the last lot, Simon?
SIMON: They just warming up, Jack. Do it again and I’m sure they’ll raise the roof.
JACK: Okay, Simon. [repeats business] Hi gang! That was brilliant!
SIMON: I must remember to dig out one of my smelly old socks later.
JACK: What for Simon?
SIMON: We’re making a batch of Stilton and mum uses it in the starter culture.
JACK: If only people realised how that stuff was made.
SIMON: Well, they do now.
JACK: Have you taken Daisy for her daily walk yet Simon?
SIMON: I’m just going to do it now Jack. I’ll see you later then. [exits inside]
JACK: I’d better go too. The new milk-float’s being delivered today, and I can’t wait to give it a test-drive. Bye gang! [waves and exits inside]
Enter Dame Trott [SR] carrying a shopping bag.
DAME TROTT: Hello boys and girls! I’m Dame Trott, and I run Trott’s Dairy with my two sons, Simon, and Jack. One’s got no get up and go, and the other one’s brain got up and went. I’m also a widow. [elicits sympathy] My late husband used to say to me, what you’ve never had you’ll never miss. So, he never gave me anything. After the wedding ceremony, he whisked me away on a P&O cruise. Pubs and off licenses that is. But he wasn’t all bad. Just the bit between the top of his head and the soles of his feet. Ten years ago he died in a terrible accident, whilst working on a local farm. He fell in a slurry pit and drowned, and all we found was his toupee floating on top. I’ll never forget the sight of that, slurry with the fringe on top. Trott’s dairy is currently going through a rough patch, I’m months behind with the rent and the King’s coming to collect today. I’m at my wits end, so I did what most women do when they’re at their wits end and went shopping. I bought lots of sweets and then realised I’m on a diet. Would you like them instead? What a surprise. [distributes sweets]
Enter Simon [SL]
SIMON: Hi mum!
DAME TROTT: Hello Simon. [looks past him] Where’s Daisy?
SIMON: I was hoping you could tell me, mum.
DAME TROTT: Didn’t you take her for her daily walk this morning?
SIMON: Yes, mum. But on the way I popped into a shop to buy us both a Cornetto, and when I came back out, she’d gone.
DAME TROTT: Don’t tell me you’ve lost our Daisy!
SIMON: Don’t worry mum, I’m sure she’ll find her own way home.
DAME TROTT: What do you think she is Simon, a homing cow? I hope she hasn’t been kidnapped.
SIMON: Don’t you mean, cownapped?
DAME TROTT: Have any of you boys and girls seen Daisy? She’s got beautiful big brown eyes, smooth silky-soft skin, with horns at one end and a tail at the other.
SIMON: Why don’t we try calling her, mum?
DAME TROTT: All right, Simon. After three…three!
BOTH: Daisy! Daisy!
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