Humpty Dumpty And The Magic Wall

Scene One

The Kingdom Of Eggstonia-The Magic Wall

Typical panto village. A stone wall runs across the back of the stage and sitting on the wall is a large Egg. Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…

Villager 1

What a wonderful and peaceful place, Eggstonia is.

Villager 2

We’re the happiest people in the whole world, aren’t we?

Villager 3

Yes, and whilst ever Humpty Dumpty’s egg sits on the Magic Wall. Our happiness will continue.

Villager 4

Then let’s hope it’s been super-glued into place.

Charlie Chuck enters (SL)

Charlie

Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond) My name’s Charlie Chuck, and I’m the royal Chamberlain. Now here in Eggstonia it’s traditional for people to greet each other by saying ‘eggy-eggy-eggy’ followed by ‘oi-oi-oi’! So every time I come on I’ll shout ‘eggy-eggy-eggy’, and I’d like you to all respond ‘oi-oi-oi’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Wonderful. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) ‘Eggy-eggy-eggy’! (audience respond) That wasn’t very loud, was it. Let’s try it again, shall we? (exits and re-enters) ‘Eggy-eggy-eggy’! (audience respond) Well done, that was eggceptional.

Villager 1

When are the royal family arriving, Charlie?

Villager 2

We’ve come to watch them give the speech to the Magic Wall.

Charlie

They’ll be arriving shortly. And the King will recite the magic rhyme, to ensure that Humpty Dumpty stays locked inside the egg for another year.

Villager 3
And a good thing too. We don’t want that bad egg causing a big stink again.

Villagers chatter and nod in agreement.

Charlie
Don’t worry, Humpty will be staying right where he is. Music cue 3:

Villager 4

The royal party are arriving!

Villagers get into position ready to greet the royal party.

King Benedict enters (SR) with Princess Shelly.

Charlie

(announcing them) Please welcome the royal family! King Benedict and Queen Omelette. And her royal highness, Princess Shelly!

Villagers cheer.

Shelly

What a wonderful greeting that was, father.

King

Yes, it was eggstraordinary. (to Villagers) Greetings loyal objects! How are you all? (they respond) Eggscellent!

Charlie

(to King) Where is the Queen, your majesty?

King

She has a bun in the oven.

Charlie

(shaking his hand) Congratulations sire! The whole kingdom will be thrilled!

King

Not that kind of bun, you fool! The eating kind.

Shelly

She’s baking a giant cupcake, ready for the Great Eggstonia Bakeoff.

Charlie

(aside to audience) I feel a proper Charlie, now.

King

Now before I address the Magic Wall, I have a very important announcement.

Charlie

(coughs) Ahem!

King

(gives Charlie a hard stare) As I was saying. I have a very…

Charlie

…(coughs louder) Ahem!

King

(to Charlie) Will you be quiet!  (to audience) Now, as I was about to say. I…

Charlie

…(coughs even louder) Ahem!

King

(snaps at Charlie) What is the matter with you?

Charlie

I’m sorry sire, it’s just that it’s my job to do all the royal announcements.

King

Is it?

Charlie

Yes, sire. That is one of the duties of the Royal Chamberlain.

King

Then get on with it man. If you can stop coughing long enough that is.

Charlie

Yes, sire. (announcing) His majesty wishes to announce that her royal highness Princess Shelly, is to be married to Prince Eggbert of Albumen next Friday! And the day will be declared a national holiday!

Villagers

Hooray!

King

(to Princess) Well that seemed to go down well. Now what else was I supposed to be doing here?

Shelly

Making a speech to the Magic Wall, father.

King
Oh, yes. (searching his pockets) Now where is my speech?

Charlie

(handing him a scroll) Here it is, your majesty.

King

(taking the scroll) Thank you. I’ll just put my glasses on. (searching his pockets again) They’re not here! Where are my glasses? Somebody has stolen my glasses!

Shelly

They’re on your head, father!

King

(pulls glasses down) Silly me. I’ve made a spectacle of myself, haven’t I?

Charlie

(aside to audience) As always.

King

(reads) Citizens of Eggstonia! It gives me great pleasure to declare this village fete…

Shelly

Wrong speech, father!

King

Oh. (rolls further on) We are gathered here for the unveiling of…? (Charlie and Shelly, shake their heads) Wrong again? (they nod and he rolls further on) I name this ship…? (Charlie and Shelly shake heads) Dash it all! (rolls further on) Ah, here we are! As ruler of Eggstonia, it falls upon me to address the Magic Wall and recite the magic rhyme. So here goes. (clears his throat) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…Music cue 4: (irritated) Now what?

Queen Omelette enters (SR)

Queen

Sorry I’m late dear. Only I had a bit of trouble fitting the bun in that old oven.

Shelly

Father was just about to address the Magic Wall, mother.

Queen

He can’t do that!

King

Why can’t I?

Queen

Because we agreed to take it in turns, and you did it last year. Now step aside. (pushes him aside) Citizens of Eggstonia! I am about to address our great and mysterious, Magic Wall. Whose presence keeps us free from trouble and strife.

Villagers

Here! Here!

King

(to Queen) Do hurry up dear. Eggstonia’s Got Talent is on telly soon, and I don’t want to miss it.

Queen

All right, there’s no need to ‘egg’ me on. (addressing the wall) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…!

Charlie

(sniffs) What’s that smell?

SFX: Smoke pours onstage.

Queen

Oh, no! My bun is burning! (to King and Charlie and Princess) Well don’t just stand there! Come and help me rescue it!

Shelly

But what about the speech to the Magic Wall?

Queen

It will just have to wait, he wall’s not going anywhere is it? Now hurry!

Queen sweeps off (SL) followed by King Benedict, Princess and Charlie.

Villager 1

I’m not hanging around here all day. I’m off.

Villagers

(variously) Me too. And me.

Chorus exit (USR)

Minnie Meringue enters (DSR) carrying a basket containing lots of small chocolate eggs.

Minnie

Hello boys and girls! (audience respond and she looks around) I was hoping to be in time for the royal speech to the Magic Wall, but it seems I’ve missed it. Well now that I’m here I might as well introduce myself. I’m Mrs Meringue. ‘Minnie’ to my friends. I’ve not been feeling too well lately you know. I went to the doctor and he said ‘Mrs Meringue, this is the third time you’ve been here this week. I think you’re suffering from hypochondria’. I said ‘oh, not that as well’. He said ‘laughter’s the best medicine’.  But I think the best medicine is having lots of friends to tell your woes too. So how would you all like to be my friends? (audience respond) Don’t worry, I won’t bore you too much with my medical complaints. Well not the icky ones anyway. Now to get everybody in a nice happy mood, every time I come on I’ll shout ‘is everybody happy’ and you all shout back, ‘eggstatic’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits DSR and re-enters) Is everybody happy? (audience respond) Well you don’t sound it. Let’s have another go. (repeat business) That’s better.  Now today is St Scramble’s Day and on this day it’s customary to distribute chocolate eggs to the poor and needy, so I’ve brought a basketful with me. But you all look well-off, so you won’t need any, will you? (audience respond) I’m just kidding. Now who would like one? (distribute the eggs)

Man enters (USR) and makes his way across to (DSL)

Minnie

(to Man) Hey, you!

Man

(stops) Who? Me?

Minnie

Yes, you! Stop annoying me?

Man

How can I be annoying you? I wasn’t even looking at you.

Minnie

I know, and it’s really annoying.

Man

Sorry I’m sure.

Minnie

I forgive you. (grabs him) Now how’s about giving me a big sloppy kiss?

Man

(resisting) Madam please! I have scruples!

Minnie

That’s all right, I’ve been vaccinated.

Man

(struggling to free himself) Gerrroff!

Minnie

Stop playing hard to get. I know you fancy me.

Man

What makes you think that?

Minnie

By the way your face suddenly crinkled up, when you looked at me.

Man

That’s called a ‘grimace’. Anyway, I’m married. (frees himself) Goodbye!

Minnie

It seems everybody in Eggstonia is married, except for me. (elicit sympathy) I even tried using Pledge as a deodorant, hoping that men might take a shine to me. But it didn’t work. I can’t understand it. I mean, what’s wrong with me? (snaps) Who said ‘everything’? My last boyfriend was a karate expert, and could kill a man with his bare feet. Unfortunately, he kept getting beaten up before he could get his shoes and socks off.

SFX: Peal of thunder. Lights flash and the egg starts to rock back and forth.

Minnie

What’s happening?

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash and the Egg falls backwards off the wall.

Minnie

Oh look, the egg’s fallen off the wall. I’m sure there’s a rhyme about that, you know.

Humpty appears from behind the wall.

Humpty

Free at last!

Minnie

(to audience) It’s a man! (glances at Humpty) At least I think it is. Well, you can’t always tell these days, can you? (to Humpty) Well hello there, big boy. (obvious wink)

Humpty

Did you give me a funny look just then?

Minnie

You’ve got a funny look all right, but I didn’t give it to you

Humpty

Well just watch it missus.

Minnie

You’re one of them, aren’t you?

Humpty

One of what?

Minnie

A mugger who’s about to frisk me all over, looking for my money.

Humpty

Have you got any money on you?

Minnie

No, but I could always write you out a cheque.

Humpty

Well as it happens, I’m not a mugger.

Minnie

Never mind, you can still frisk me if you like.

Humpty

No thanks.

Minnie

But don’t you find me irresistibly attractive?

Humpty

No, I find you incredibly repulsive.

Minnie

How dare you! Everybody knows that I’m the most attractive and sophisticated woman, in all Eggstonia. (to audience) Aren’t I? (audience respond) Most men find me irresistible, due to my unusual speech impediment.

Humpty

What unusual speech impediment?

Minnie

I find it hard to say ‘no’. Music cue 5: Minnie. After song ends…

Humpty

I must say, your voice is out of this world!

Minnie

You mean, I sing like an angel?

Humpty

No…an alien.

Minnie

You’re not very intelligent are you?

Humpty

Actually, I’m a bit of an egghead.

Minnie

Well if you’re so clever, then answer me this. If frozen water is called ice, and frozen cream is called ice-cream. What do you call frozen ink?

Humpty

That’s easy. Iced ink!

Minnie

I wondered what that rotten smell was. (to audience) He must be a bad egg.

Humpty

Yes, I am! I’ve been stuck on that rotten wall for years, but now I’m free to roam wherever I please.

Minnie

You mean, you’re a ‘free-range’ egg! (laughs)

A Man walks across stage shouting.

Man

A E I O U! A E I O U!

Humpty

What’s the matter with him?

Minnie

I think he has irritable vowel syndrome.

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.

Lights dim and Salmonella enters (SL)

Minnie

(to audience) I don’t know who she is. But she looks like a shiver waiting for a spine to run up.

Salmonella

(to Minnie) What are you staring at?

Minnie

I don’t know, but it’s staring back at me.

Humpty

That’s my mistress, Salmonella.

Minnie

Well she’s making me feel sick.

Salmonella

I intend to make everybody in Eggstonia feel sick. Starting with you! (raises her arms to cast a spell on Minnie) Flap and squawk like a big fat chick, (Minnie immediately does so)Now run around town, double quick! (brings her arms down to finish)

Music cue 6: Minnie runs around stage flapping her arms and squawking like a chicken before exiting (USL)

Humpty

I was wondering when you’d return and release me from that rotten egg, mistress.

Salmonella

Well now I’m here, it’s time to get our hands on the King’s crown and take over Eggstonia.

Humpty

(jumping up and down with delight) Goody-goody! I can’t wait to get my revenge on those rotten Eggstonians.

Salmonella

Come along Humpty. It’s time to show everyone just what a bad egg, you really are.

They exit (SL) laughing.

King, Queen, Princess and Charlie return (SR)

King

We’re back! (looking around) Where is everybody?

Shelly

They’ve gone off.

Queen

(spots the empty wall) And so has the egg!

Charlie

Pooh! I wondered what that rotten pong was. (holds his nose)

Queen

No, it’s gone off the wall!

King

Oh no, that means I’ll lose my crown! Whatever shall I do?

Charlie
You must act at once your majesty!

King

I am acting! (swaggers) And doing it rather well, if I may say so myself.

Queen

(to King) He means do something, you silly old fool!

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.

Fairy Soufflé enters (SR)

Shelly

Fairy Soufflé!

Fairy Soufflé

(sees the Egg has gone from the wall) Oh no, I’m too late. Humpty’s free.

Queen

Yes, but how?

Fairy Soufflé

It’s all Salmonella’s doing.

King

Salmonella! But I banished her from Eggstonia forever.

Fairy Soufflé

Well she’s returned, and is planning to wrest the crown from your head.

King

I’d like to see her try. We beat her once before and we’ll beat her again.

Fairy Soufflé

It won’t be so easy this time. Her powers are much stronger than before. The egg must be restored to the Magic Wall within 24hrs, or its power to hold Humpty will be lost forever.

Shelly

But how can we restore Humpty’s egg to the wall?

King

I know how. (shouts) Send for all the king’s horses and all the king’s men!

SFX: Clippity-clop of horse hoofs are heard.

Sergeant Yolk and Corporal Eggwhite enter (SL) each banging two halves of coconut shells together.

Corporal

(pulling on imaginary reins) Woah boy!

King

Where are your horses, sergeant?

Sergeant

UHU! (pronounced you-hoo)

Queen

(waving coyly at the Sergeant) And you-hoo to you too, Sergeant Yolk.

Corporal

Due to government cutbacks, the royal horses have all been sold to the UHU Glue factory.

King

That puts us in a rather sticky situation, doesn’t it.

Shelly

Where are the rest of your men, sergeant?

Sergeant

I’m afraid they couldn’t keep up with us, your highness.

Shelly

Why not?

Corporal

There weren’t enough coconut shells to go round.

King

(to Sergeant) The egg has fallen off the Magic Wall, and released Humpty Dumpty. And it is your duty to put it back together again.

Sergeant

Don’t worry your Majesty. Humpty will be back in his shell, before you can say ‘scrambled egg’.

Queen

Eggcellent!

King

(to Queen) Come dear, let us return to the palace and leave it to the eggsperts.

Charlie

(to audience) There’ll be a prize for anybody who can correctly guess, how many egg-based puns are used in this show.

The others exit (SR) leaving the Sergeant and Corporal alone on stage.

Music cue 7: A troop of Soldiers march on (SL) in a rag-tag manner.

Sergeant

(to Corporal) Line the men up corporal!

Corporal

Yes, sarge! (to Soldiers) All right you lot, line up!

The Soldiers line up facing the audience.

Sergeant

(walking up and down the line of Soldiers) Stand up straight! Chest out! Stomach in! (to Soldier 1) Do you know your shoes are on the wrong feet soldier?

Soldier 1

But these are the only feet I’ve got, sarge.

Sergeant

(to Soldier 2) How long have you been in the army, son?

Soldier 2

Ever since I joined up, sarge.

Sergeant

(to Soldier 3) Would you call yourself ‘brave’ soldier?

Soldier 3

Yes, sarge. I once watched an episode of the Tweenies with the lights off.

Sergeant

(to Soldier 4) How strong are you, laddie?

Soldier 4

I can tear a telephone directory in half with my bare hands, sarge.

Sergeant

(impressed) Really?

Soldier 4

Yes, but only if I do it one page at a time

Sergeant

(to Corporal) Right then, corporal Eggwhite. I want you to scramble over the Magic Wall, and assess the state of the egg.

Corporal

(salutes) Yes, sarge! (scrambles over the wall and out of sight) Ugghh!

Sergeant

Is it bad, corporal?

Corporal

(stands up) Phwoar! Not half sarge. It smells like our barracks after curry night.

Sergeant

All right, pass the pieces of shell over the wall.

Corporal

Yes, sarge. (passes pieces of eggshell over the wall to the other Soldiers) That’s the last piece. (climbs back over the wall)

Soldier 2

What are we going to do with all these bits of shell, sarge?

Sergeant

We’re going to take them back to the barracks, and piece them all together again.

Soldier 3

Oh goody, I love doing jigsaws.

Soldier 4

Me too!

Sergeant

Let’s go men. At the double! Quiiiick…march! Left…left…left right, left!

Music cue 8: All exit (SL) with the pieces of shell.