Scene One
The Kingdom Of Eggstonia – The Magic Wall
A wall runs across upstage. Sitting on the wall is a large Egg. Chorus of Villagers are onstage. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Charlie Chuck (SL)
CHARLIE: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Charlie Chuck, and I’m the royal Chamberlain. Now as we’re in Eggstonia, whenever I come on, I’ll shout, eggy-eggy-eggy! And you all reply, oi-oi-oi! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Eggy-eggy-eggy! That wasn’t very loud. Let’s try again. (repeat business) Eggy-eggy-eggy! That was eggceptional.
CHORUS 1: When are the royal family arriving, Charlie?
CHORUS 2: We’ve come to watch them give the speech to the Magic Wall.
CHARLIE: They’ll be here shortly. And the King will recite the magic rhyme, to ensure that Humpty Dumpty stays locked inside the egg for another year.
CHORUS 3: Good! We don’t want that bad egg causing a big stink again.
CHARLIE: Don’t worry, Humpty will be staying right where he is. Music cue 3:
CHORUS 4: The royal party are arriving!
Chorus get into position ready to greet the royal party.
CHARLIE: Please welcome, King Eggbert and Queen Omelette. And her royal highness, Princess Shelley!
Enter King Eggbert and Princess Shelley (SR)
Chorus cheer.
PRINCESS: What a wonderful greeting that was, father.
KING: It was eggstraordinary. (to Chorus) Greetings loyal objects! How are you all? (response) Eggscellent!
CHARLIE: Where’s Queen Omelette, your majesty?
KING: She’s got a bun in the oven.
CHARLIE: Congratulations sire! Eggstonia will be thrilled!
KING: I meant the eating kind!
PRINCESS: I think you have egg on your face, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Where? (wipes his face)
PRINCESS: It’s metaphorical egg.
CHARLIE: That’s the worst kind.
KING: Now, before I address the Magic Wall. I have an important announcement to announce!
CHARLIE: (coughs) Ahem!
KING: (gives Charlie a hard stare) As I was saying. I have a very…
CHARLIE: (coughs louder) Ahem!
KING: Will you be quiet, Charlie! (to audience) Now, as I was about to say…
CHARLIE: (coughs even louder) Ahem!
KING: (snaps at Charlie) What is the matter with you today?
CHARLIE: I’m sorry sire. But it’s my job to do all the royal announcements.
KING: Then get on with it man. If you can stop coughing long enough that is.
CHARLIE: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Her highness Princess Shelley is to be wed to Prince Benedict of Albumen on Friday! And the day will be a public holiday!
CHORUS: Hooray!
KING: That went down well Shelley. Now, what else am I supposed to be doing?
PRINCESS: Making a speech to the Magic Wall?
KING: Ah, yes! (searching his pockets) Now, where is my speech?
CHARLIE: (handing him a scroll) Here it is, your majesty.
KING: Thank you. I’ll just put my glasses on. (searching pockets) They’re not here. Where are my glasses? I’ve lost my glasses!
PRINCESS: They’re on your head, father.
KING: (pulls them down) Silly me, I’ve made a spectacle of myself.
CHARLIE: (aside) As per usual.
KING: (reading) Citizens of Eggstonia! It gives me great pleasure to declare this village fete…
PRINCESS: Wrong speech, father!
KING: Oh! (turns page) We are gathered here for the unveiling of…(Charlie and Shelley, shake heads) I name this ship…(Charlie and Shelley shake heads) Ah, here we are! As ruler of Eggstonia, it falls upon me to address the Magic Wall and recite the magic rhyme. (clears throat) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…
Enter Queen Omelette (SR)
QUEEN: Stop! What do you think you’re doing, Eggbert?
KING: I’m about to address the Magic Wall, dear.
QUEEN: You can’t do that!
KING: Why can’t I?
QUEEN: Because we agreed to take it in turns and you did it last year. Now step aside. (moves him aside) Citizens of Eggstonia! I will now address the Magic Wall. Whose presence keeps us free, from trouble and strife.
CHORUS: Here! Here!
KING: (to Queen) Do hurry up Omelette. Eggstonia’s Got Talent is on soon.
QUEEN: Stop egging me on, Eggbert. (addressing the wall) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…(stops and sniffs) What’s that smell?
KING: Don’t look at me.
SFX: Smoke pours onstage.
QUEEN: My buns are burning! Come and help me rescue them!
PRINCESS: But what about the speech to the Magic Wall, mother?
QUEEN: It’ll have to wait! Hurry, before the kitchen catches fire!
Exit Queen, King, Princess Shelley and Charlie (SL)
CHORUS 1: I’m not hanging around here all day.
CHORUS 2: Me neither.
CHORUS 3: And I have better things to do.
CHORUS 4: Let’s go everybody.
Exit Chorus (USR)
Enter Minnie Meringue (DSR) carrying a basket of mini eggs.
MINNIE: Hello boys and girls! I’m Mrs Meringue – Minnie to my friends. And to keep everything nice and friendly, whenever I come on, I’ll shout, is everybody happy!? And you all shout back, eggstatic, Minnie! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Is everybody happy? You don’t sound it. Let’s have another go. (repeat business) That’s better. I’ve just been to the Doctor’s, for the third time this week. I said what’s wrong with me Doctor? And he said, I think you’re suffering from hypochondria. I said, not that as well! Now, today is St Scramble’s Day. And on this day, it’s customary to distribute chocolate eggs to the poor and needy, and I have a basketful here. But you all look well-off, so you can’t have any. Only joking. Here you go. (distributes eggs)
Enter Man (SL) and makes his way towards (SR)
MINNIE: Hey, you!
MAN: (stops) Who, me?
MINNIE: Yes, you! Stop annoying me?
MAN: I wasn’t even looking at you!
MINNIE: I know, and it’s really annoying.
MAN: Sorry I’m sure.
MINNIE: I forgive you. (grabs him) Now let’s make-up with a big sloppy kiss.
MAN: Madam please! I do have scruples!
MINNIE: That’s all right, I’ve been vaccinated.
MAN: (struggling to free himself) Let go of me!
MINNIE: Stop playing hard to get I know you fancy me.
MAN: What makes you think that?
MINNIE: By the way your face all crinkles up, whenever you look at me.
MAN: That’s grimacing! Anyway, I’m married! (frees himself and exits SR)
MINNIE: It seems everybody’s married, except me. I tried using Pledge as a deodorant, hoping men might take a shine to me. I like big strong men. My last boyfriend was a karate expert and could kill a man with his bare feet. Unfortunately, he kept getting beaten up before he could get his shoes and socks off.
SFX: Thunder – lights flash and the egg starts rocking on the wall.
What’s happening?
SFX: Pyro flash and the Egg falls backwards off the wall.
Oh, no! The egg’s fallen off the wall. I’m sure there’s a rhyme about that.
HUMPTY: (appears from behind the wall) Free at last!
MINNIE: It’s a man! At least I think it is. (to audience) Well, you can’t always tell these days, can you? (vamping Humpty) Well hello there, big boy.
HUMPTY: Did you just give me a funny look?
MINNIE: You’ve got a funny look all right, but I didn’t give it to you
HUMPTY: Just watch it, missus.
MINNIE: You’re one of them, aren’t you?
HUMPTY: One of what?
MINNIE: A mugger who’s about to frisk me all over, looking for my money.
HUMPTY: Have you got any money on you?
MINNIE: No, but I could always write you out a cheque.
HUMPTY: I’m not a mugger.
MINNIE: Never mind, you can still frisk me if you like.
HUMPTY: I’ll pass.
MINNIE: Most men find me irresistible, due to my unusual speech impediment.
HUMPTY: What unusual speech impediment?
MINNIE: I find it impossible to say, no. Music cue 4: Minnie. After song ends…What do you think of my singing?
HUMPTY: Your voice is out of this world.
MINNIE: You mean, I sound like an angel?
HUMPTY: No, an alien.
MINNIE: You’re not very intelligent, are you?
HUMPTY: Actually, I’m a bit of an egghead.
MINNIE: If you’re so clever, then answer me this. If frozen water is called ice. And frozen cream is called ice-cream. What do you call frozen ink?
HUMPTY: Iced ink?
MINNIE: Phwoar! Not half! You’re obviously a bad egg.
HUMPTY: Yes, I am! I’ve been stuck on that rotten wall for years, but now I’m free to roam wherever I please.
MINNIE: You mean, you’re a free-range egg? (laughs)
Enter Woman (SR) who makes his way across stage shouting.
WOMAN: A E I O U! A E I O U!
HUMPTY: What’s the matter with her?
MINNIE: I sounds like she has irritable vowel syndrome.
Exit Man (SL)
Lights dim briefly. Enter Salmonella (SL)
MINNIE: (to audience) She looks like a shiver waiting for a spine to run up.
SALMONELLA: (to Minnie) What are you staring at?
MINNIE: I don’t know, but it’s staring right back at me.
HUMPTY: That’s my mistress, Salmonella.
MINNIE: Catchy name.
SALMONELLA: And who are you?
MINNIE: I’m Minnie Meringue.
SALMONELLA: There’s nothing mini about you.
MINNIE: People like you make me sick. (laughs) Salmonella? Sick? Forget it.
SALMONELLA: I intend to make everybody sick by becoming Queen of Eggstonia.
MINNIE: We already have a Queen – and a King for that matter.
SALMONELLA: I intend to get rid of them and claim the throne for myself.
MINNIE: You and who’s army?
HUMPTY: My mistress doesn’t need an army. She has powerful magic.
MINNIE: Pull the other one.
SALMONELLA: You don’t believe in magic?
MINNIE: Do I look like an idiot, to you?
SALMONELLA: Yes, but perhaps this will convince you.
Run through the town, double quick,
Flapping and squawking, like a demented chick! (casts a spell on Minnie)
Minnie runs around flapping and squawking before exiting (USL)
HUMPTY: Thanks for releasing me from that rotten egg, mistress.
SALMONELLA: You’re welcome Humpty.
HUMPTY: I can’t wait to get my revenge on those rotten Eggstonians.
SALMONELLA: Then let’s go and show everybody, just what a bad egg you really are.
Exit both (SL) laughing.
Enter King, Queen, Princess and Charlie (SR)
KING: We’re back! (looking around) Where is everybody?
QUEEN: They’ve gone off.
PRINCESS: (pointing) And so has the egg!
CHARLIE: Pooh! I wondered what that rotten pong was. (holds his nose)
PRINCESS: No, Charlie! It’s gone off the wall!
CHARLIE: (looks over wall) Humpty’s shell’s here, all smashed to pieces!
QUEEN: Then Humpty Dumpty is free once more.
KING: Which means I might lose my crown!
CHARLIE: Your majesty must act at once!
KING: I am acting! (haughty) And doing it rather well if I might say so.
QUEEN: He meant do something, you silly old fool!
Music cue 5: Enter Fairy (SR)
PRINCESS: Fairy Soufflé!
FAIRY: (spots the empty wall) Oh, no! I’m too late, Humpty Dumpty is free!
QUEEN: Yes, but how did it happen?
FAIRY: It’s all Salmonella’s doing.
KING: Don’t tell me she’s returned to Eggstonia!
FAIRY: Yes, and she’s planning to wrest the crown from your head.
CHARLIE: Then it’s a good job you’re here to stop her again.
FAIRY: I’m not sure I can this time. Her powers are much stronger than before.
KING: But I don’t want to lose my lovely crown!
PRINCESS: What can we do, Fairy Soufflé?
FAIRY: The egg must be put together again and placed back on the magic wall, within 24hrs. Or its power to hold Humpty will be lost forever.
CHARLIE: But how? Humpty’s egg is all broken into pieces.
KING: I’ll send for all the King’s horses and all the King’s men!
PRINCESS: And women!
KING: What?
PRINCESS: The army isn’t only made up of men, father.
QUEEN: Well said, dear.
KING: (shouts) Send for the mixed-gender, army!
SFX: Clippity-clop of horse’s hooves.
Enter Sergeant Eggyolk and Corporal Eggwhite (SL) both are banging two halves of coconut shells together.
SERGEANT: (pulling on invisible reins) Woah boy!
KING: Sergeant Eggyolk!
QUEEN: Where are your horses, sergeant?
SERGEANT: UHU, your majesty.
QUEEN: And you-hoo to you too, sergeant. But it doesn’t answer my question.
CORPORAL: They’ve all been sold to the UHU Glue Factory, your majesty.
PRINCESS: But why?
SERGEANT: Government cutbacks, I’m afraid.
KING: That leaves us in a rather sticky situation.
QUEEN: Where are the rest of your platoon, sergeant?
SERGEANT: They couldn’t keep up with us, your majesty.
PRINCESS: How come?
CORPORAL: There weren’t enough coconut shells to go around.
SERGEANT: Now, what can we do for your majesties?
KING: The egg has fallen off the Magic Wall and released Humpty Dumpty.
QUEEN: And it’s the army’s duty to put it back together again.
KING: Otherwise, I might lose my crown.
SERGEANT: We’ll get onto it right away your majesty.
QUEEN: Eggcellent!
KING: Come Omelette. Let’s return to the palace and leave it to the eggsperts.
CHARLIE: (to audience) You might need a calculator to count how many egg-based puns, are used in this show.
Exit Royal Party (SR) leaving Sergeant and Corporal onstage.
Music cue 6: Enter Soldiers (SL) marching on in rag-tag manner.
SERGEANT: Line the troops up, Corporal Eggyolk!
CORPORAL: Yes sergeant! All right you lot, line up! (lines Soldiers up)
SERGEANT: (walks done line) Stand up straight! Chest out! Stomach in! (to Soldier 1) Do you know your shoes are on the wrong feet, soldier?
SOLDIER 1: But these are the only feet I’ve got, sarge.
SERGEANT: (to Soldier 2) How long have you been in the army?
SOLDIER 2: Ever since I joined up.
SERGEANT: (to Soldier 3) Do you know what makes a good soldier?
SOLDIER 3: Well-browned toast?
SERGEANT: (to Soldier 4) How strong are you, laddie?
SOLDIER 4: I can tear a telephone directory in half with my bare hands, sarge.
SERGEANT: (impressed) Really!?
SOLDIER 4: Yes, but only if I do it one page at a time.
SERGEANT: Idiot! Look over the Magic Wall and assess the state of the egg Corporal.
CORPORAL: Yes, sarge! (goes around to other side of the wall) Cor blimey sarge!
SERGEANT: Is it bad, corporal?
CORPORAL: Not half. It smells like our barracks after curry night – phwoar!
SERGEANT: Pass the pieces of shell over the wall.
CORPORAL: Yes, sarge. (passes pieces of hell over the wall) That’s the last piece.
SOLDIER 2: What are we going to do with all these bits of shell, sarge?
SERGEANT: We’ll take them back to the barracks, and piece them together again.
SOLDIER 3: Oh goody, I love doing jigsaws.
SOLDIER 4: Me too!
SERGEANT: Platoon! At the double! Quiiiick…march! Left, right, left, right, left, right!
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