Scene One
The Kingdom Of Eggstonia-The Magic Wall
Typical panto village. A stone wall runs across the back of the stage and sitting on the wall is a large Egg. Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…
Villager 1
What a wonderful and peaceful place, Eggstonia is.
Villager 2
We’re the happiest people in the whole world, aren’t we?
Villager 3
Yes, and whilst ever Humpty Dumpty’s egg sits on the Magic Wall. Our happiness will continue.
Villager 4
Then let’s hope it’s been super-glued into place.
Charlie Chuck enters (SL)
Charlie
Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond) My name’s Charlie Chuck, and I’m the royal Chamberlain. Now here in Eggstonia it’s traditional for people to greet each other by saying ‘eggy-eggy-eggy’ followed by ‘oi-oi-oi’! So every time I come on I’ll shout ‘eggy-eggy-eggy’, and I’d like you to all respond ‘oi-oi-oi’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Wonderful. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) ‘Eggy-eggy-eggy’! (audience respond) That wasn’t very loud, was it. Let’s try it again, shall we? (exits and re-enters) ‘Eggy-eggy-eggy’! (audience respond) Well done, that was eggceptional.
Villager 1
When are the royal family arriving, Charlie?
Villager 2
We’ve come to watch them give the speech to the Magic Wall.
Charlie
They’ll be arriving shortly. And the King will recite the magic rhyme, to ensure that Humpty Dumpty stays locked inside the egg for another year.
Villager 3
And a good thing too. We don’t want that bad egg causing a big stink again.
Villagers chatter and nod in agreement.
Charlie
Don’t worry, Humpty will be staying right where he is. Music cue 3:
Villager 4
The royal party are arriving!
Villagers get into position ready to greet the royal party.
King Benedict enters (SR) with Princess Shelly.
Charlie
(announcing them) Please welcome the royal family! King Benedict and Queen Omelette. And her royal highness, Princess Shelly!
Villagers cheer.
Shelly
What a wonderful greeting that was, father.
King
Yes, it was eggstraordinary. (to Villagers) Greetings loyal objects! How are you all? (they respond) Eggscellent!
Charlie
(to King) Where is the Queen, your majesty?
King
She has a bun in the oven.
Charlie
(shaking his hand) Congratulations sire! The whole kingdom will be thrilled!
King
Not that kind of bun, you fool! The eating kind.
Shelly
She’s baking a giant cupcake, ready for the Great Eggstonia Bakeoff.
Charlie
(aside to audience) I feel a proper Charlie, now.
King
Now before I address the Magic Wall, I have a very important announcement.
Charlie
(coughs) Ahem!
King
(gives Charlie a hard stare) As I was saying. I have a very…
Charlie
…(coughs louder) Ahem!
King
(to Charlie) Will you be quiet! (to audience) Now, as I was about to say. I…
Charlie
…(coughs even louder) Ahem!
King
(snaps at Charlie) What is the matter with you?
Charlie
I’m sorry sire, it’s just that it’s my job to do all the royal announcements.
King
Is it?
Charlie
Yes, sire. That is one of the duties of the Royal Chamberlain.
King
Then get on with it man. If you can stop coughing long enough that is.
Charlie
Yes, sire. (announcing) His majesty wishes to announce that her royal highness Princess Shelly, is to be married to Prince Eggbert of Albumen next Friday! And the day will be declared a national holiday!
Villagers
Hooray!
King
(to Princess) Well that seemed to go down well. Now what else was I supposed to be doing here?
Shelly
Making a speech to the Magic Wall, father.
King
Oh, yes. (searching his pockets) Now where is my speech?
Charlie
(handing him a scroll) Here it is, your majesty.
King
(taking the scroll) Thank you. I’ll just put my glasses on. (searching his pockets again) They’re not here! Where are my glasses? Somebody has stolen my glasses!
Shelly
They’re on your head, father!
King
(pulls glasses down) Silly me. I’ve made a spectacle of myself, haven’t I?
Charlie
(aside to audience) As always.
King
(reads) Citizens of Eggstonia! It gives me great pleasure to declare this village fete…
Shelly
Wrong speech, father!
King
Oh. (rolls further on) We are gathered here for the unveiling of…? (Charlie and Shelly, shake their heads) Wrong again? (they nod and he rolls further on) I name this ship…? (Charlie and Shelly shake heads) Dash it all! (rolls further on) Ah, here we are! As ruler of Eggstonia, it falls upon me to address the Magic Wall and recite the magic rhyme. So here goes. (clears his throat) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…Music cue 4: (irritated) Now what?
Queen Omelette enters (SR)
Queen
Sorry I’m late dear. Only I had a bit of trouble fitting the bun in that old oven.
Shelly
Father was just about to address the Magic Wall, mother.
Queen
He can’t do that!
King
Why can’t I?
Queen
Because we agreed to take it in turns, and you did it last year. Now step aside. (pushes him aside) Citizens of Eggstonia! I am about to address our great and mysterious, Magic Wall. Whose presence keeps us free from trouble and strife.
Villagers
Here! Here!
King
(to Queen) Do hurry up dear. Eggstonia’s Got Talent is on telly soon, and I don’t want to miss it.
Queen
All right, there’s no need to ‘egg’ me on. (addressing the wall) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…!
Charlie
(sniffs) What’s that smell?
SFX: Smoke pours onstage.
Queen
Oh, no! My bun is burning! (to King and Charlie and Princess) Well don’t just stand there! Come and help me rescue it!
Shelly
But what about the speech to the Magic Wall?
Queen
It will just have to wait, he wall’s not going anywhere is it? Now hurry!
Queen sweeps off (SL) followed by King Benedict, Princess and Charlie.
Villager 1
I’m not hanging around here all day. I’m off.
Villagers
(variously) Me too. And me.
Chorus exit (USR)
Minnie Meringue enters (DSR) carrying a basket containing lots of small chocolate eggs.
Minnie
Hello boys and girls! (audience respond and she looks around) I was hoping to be in time for the royal speech to the Magic Wall, but it seems I’ve missed it. Well now that I’m here I might as well introduce myself. I’m Mrs Meringue. ‘Minnie’ to my friends. I’ve not been feeling too well lately you know. I went to the doctor and he said ‘Mrs Meringue, this is the third time you’ve been here this week. I think you’re suffering from hypochondria’. I said ‘oh, not that as well’. He said ‘laughter’s the best medicine’. But I think the best medicine is having lots of friends to tell your woes too. So how would you all like to be my friends? (audience respond) Don’t worry, I won’t bore you too much with my medical complaints. Well not the icky ones anyway. Now to get everybody in a nice happy mood, every time I come on I’ll shout ‘is everybody happy’ and you all shout back, ‘eggstatic’! Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits DSR and re-enters) Is everybody happy? (audience respond) Well you don’t sound it. Let’s have another go. (repeat business) That’s better. Now today is St Scramble’s Day and on this day it’s customary to distribute chocolate eggs to the poor and needy, so I’ve brought a basketful with me. But you all look well-off, so you won’t need any, will you? (audience respond) I’m just kidding. Now who would like one? (distribute the eggs)
Man enters (USR) and makes his way across to (DSL)
Minnie
(to Man) Hey, you!
Man
(stops) Who? Me?
Minnie
Yes, you! Stop annoying me?
Man
How can I be annoying you? I wasn’t even looking at you.
Minnie
I know, and it’s really annoying.
Man
Sorry I’m sure.
Minnie
I forgive you. (grabs him) Now how’s about giving me a big sloppy kiss?
Man
(resisting) Madam please! I have scruples!
Minnie
That’s all right, I’ve been vaccinated.
Man
(struggling to free himself) Gerrroff!
Minnie
Stop playing hard to get. I know you fancy me.
Man
What makes you think that?
Minnie
By the way your face suddenly crinkled up, when you looked at me.
Man
That’s called a ‘grimace’. Anyway, I’m married. (frees himself) Goodbye!
Minnie
It seems everybody in Eggstonia is married, except for me. (elicit sympathy) I even tried using Pledge as a deodorant, hoping that men might take a shine to me. But it didn’t work. I can’t understand it. I mean, what’s wrong with me? (snaps) Who said ‘everything’? My last boyfriend was a karate expert, and could kill a man with his bare feet. Unfortunately, he kept getting beaten up before he could get his shoes and socks off.
SFX: Peal of thunder. Lights flash and the egg starts to rock back and forth.
Minnie
What’s happening?
SFX: Pyrotechnic flash and the Egg falls backwards off the wall.
Minnie
Oh look, the egg’s fallen off the wall. I’m sure there’s a rhyme about that, you know.
Humpty appears from behind the wall.
Humpty
Free at last!
Minnie
(to audience) It’s a man! (glances at Humpty) At least I think it is. Well, you can’t always tell these days, can you? (to Humpty) Well hello there, big boy. (obvious wink)
Humpty
Did you give me a funny look just then?
Minnie
You’ve got a funny look all right, but I didn’t give it to you
Humpty
Well just watch it missus.
Minnie
You’re one of them, aren’t you?
Humpty
One of what?
Minnie
A mugger who’s about to frisk me all over, looking for my money.
Humpty
Have you got any money on you?
Minnie
No, but I could always write you out a cheque.
Humpty
Well as it happens, I’m not a mugger.
Minnie
Never mind, you can still frisk me if you like.
Humpty
No thanks.
Minnie
But don’t you find me irresistibly attractive?
Humpty
No, I find you incredibly repulsive.
Minnie
How dare you! Everybody knows that I’m the most attractive and sophisticated woman, in all Eggstonia. (to audience) Aren’t I? (audience respond) Most men find me irresistible, due to my unusual speech impediment.
Humpty
What unusual speech impediment?
Minnie
I find it hard to say ‘no’. Music cue 5: Minnie. After song ends…
Humpty
I must say, your voice is out of this world!
Minnie
You mean, I sing like an angel?
Humpty
No…an alien.
Minnie
You’re not very intelligent are you?
Humpty
Actually, I’m a bit of an egghead.
Minnie
Well if you’re so clever, then answer me this. If frozen water is called ice, and frozen cream is called ice-cream. What do you call frozen ink?
Humpty
That’s easy. Iced ink!
Minnie
I wondered what that rotten smell was. (to audience) He must be a bad egg.
Humpty
Yes, I am! I’ve been stuck on that rotten wall for years, but now I’m free to roam wherever I please.
Minnie
You mean, you’re a ‘free-range’ egg! (laughs)
A Man walks across stage shouting.
Man
A E I O U! A E I O U!
Humpty
What’s the matter with him?
Minnie
I think he has irritable vowel syndrome.
SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.
Lights dim and Salmonella enters (SL)
Minnie
(to audience) I don’t know who she is. But she looks like a shiver waiting for a spine to run up.
Salmonella
(to Minnie) What are you staring at?
Minnie
I don’t know, but it’s staring back at me.
Humpty
That’s my mistress, Salmonella.
Minnie
Well she’s making me feel sick.
Salmonella
I intend to make everybody in Eggstonia feel sick. Starting with you! (raises her arms to cast a spell on Minnie) Flap and squawk like a big fat chick, (Minnie immediately does so)Now run around town, double quick! (brings her arms down to finish)
Music cue 6: Minnie runs around stage flapping her arms and squawking like a chicken before exiting (USL)
Humpty
I was wondering when you’d return and release me from that rotten egg, mistress.
Salmonella
Well now I’m here, it’s time to get our hands on the King’s crown and take over Eggstonia.
Humpty
(jumping up and down with delight) Goody-goody! I can’t wait to get my revenge on those rotten Eggstonians.
Salmonella
Come along Humpty. It’s time to show everyone just what a bad egg, you really are.
They exit (SL) laughing.
King, Queen, Princess and Charlie return (SR)
King
We’re back! (looking around) Where is everybody?
Shelly
They’ve gone off.
Queen
(spots the empty wall) And so has the egg!
Charlie
Pooh! I wondered what that rotten pong was. (holds his nose)
Queen
No, it’s gone off the wall!
King
Oh no, that means I’ll lose my crown! Whatever shall I do?
Charlie
You must act at once your majesty!
King
I am acting! (swaggers) And doing it rather well, if I may say so myself.
Queen
(to King) He means do something, you silly old fool!
SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.
Fairy Soufflé enters (SR)
Shelly
Fairy Soufflé!
Fairy Soufflé
(sees the Egg has gone from the wall) Oh no, I’m too late. Humpty’s free.
Queen
Yes, but how?
Fairy Soufflé
It’s all Salmonella’s doing.
King
Salmonella! But I banished her from Eggstonia forever.
Fairy Soufflé
Well she’s returned, and is planning to wrest the crown from your head.
King
I’d like to see her try. We beat her once before and we’ll beat her again.
Fairy Soufflé
It won’t be so easy this time. Her powers are much stronger than before. The egg must be restored to the Magic Wall within 24hrs, or its power to hold Humpty will be lost forever.
Shelly
But how can we restore Humpty’s egg to the wall?
King
I know how. (shouts) Send for all the king’s horses and all the king’s men!
SFX: Clippity-clop of horse hoofs are heard.
Sergeant Yolk and Corporal Eggwhite enter (SL) each banging two halves of coconut shells together.
Corporal
(pulling on imaginary reins) Woah boy!
King
Where are your horses, sergeant?
Sergeant
UHU! (pronounced you-hoo)
Queen
(waving coyly at the Sergeant) And you-hoo to you too, Sergeant Yolk.
Corporal
Due to government cutbacks, the royal horses have all been sold to the UHU Glue factory.
King
That puts us in a rather sticky situation, doesn’t it.
Shelly
Where are the rest of your men, sergeant?
Sergeant
I’m afraid they couldn’t keep up with us, your highness.
Shelly
Why not?
Corporal
There weren’t enough coconut shells to go round.
King
(to Sergeant) The egg has fallen off the Magic Wall, and released Humpty Dumpty. And it is your duty to put it back together again.
Sergeant
Don’t worry your Majesty. Humpty will be back in his shell, before you can say ‘scrambled egg’.
Queen
Eggcellent!
King
(to Queen) Come dear, let us return to the palace and leave it to the eggsperts.
Charlie
(to audience) There’ll be a prize for anybody who can correctly guess, how many egg-based puns are used in this show.
The others exit (SR) leaving the Sergeant and Corporal alone on stage.
Music cue 7: A troop of Soldiers march on (SL) in a rag-tag manner.
Sergeant
(to Corporal) Line the men up corporal!
Corporal
Yes, sarge! (to Soldiers) All right you lot, line up!
The Soldiers line up facing the audience.
Sergeant
(walking up and down the line of Soldiers) Stand up straight! Chest out! Stomach in! (to Soldier 1) Do you know your shoes are on the wrong feet soldier?
Soldier 1
But these are the only feet I’ve got, sarge.
Sergeant
(to Soldier 2) How long have you been in the army, son?
Soldier 2
Ever since I joined up, sarge.
Sergeant
(to Soldier 3) Would you call yourself ‘brave’ soldier?
Soldier 3
Yes, sarge. I once watched an episode of the Tweenies with the lights off.
Sergeant
(to Soldier 4) How strong are you, laddie?
Soldier 4
I can tear a telephone directory in half with my bare hands, sarge.
Sergeant
(impressed) Really?
Soldier 4
Yes, but only if I do it one page at a time
Sergeant
(to Corporal) Right then, corporal Eggwhite. I want you to scramble over the Magic Wall, and assess the state of the egg.
Corporal
(salutes) Yes, sarge! (scrambles over the wall and out of sight) Ugghh!
Sergeant
Is it bad, corporal?
Corporal
(stands up) Phwoar! Not half sarge. It smells like our barracks after curry night.
Sergeant
All right, pass the pieces of shell over the wall.
Corporal
Yes, sarge. (passes pieces of eggshell over the wall to the other Soldiers) That’s the last piece. (climbs back over the wall)
Soldier 2
What are we going to do with all these bits of shell, sarge?
Sergeant
We’re going to take them back to the barracks, and piece them all together again.
Soldier 3
Oh goody, I love doing jigsaws.
Soldier 4
Me too!
Sergeant
Let’s go men. At the double! Quiiiick…march! Left…left…left right, left!
Music cue 8: All exit (SL) with the pieces of shell.
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