Humpty Dumpty And The Magic Wall (Perusal)

Scene One

The Kingdom Of Eggstonia-The Magic Wall

A wall runs across the back of the stage and sitting on the wall is a large Egg. Music cue 2: Villagers. After song ends…

Villager 1 What a wonderful happy place, Eggstonia is.

Villager 2 We’re the happiest people in the whole world.

Villager 3 We’re happier than an MP on unlimited expenses.

Villager 4 And whilst ever the egg sits on the Magic Wall, our happiness will continue.

Enter Charlie Chuck (SL)

Charlie Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Charlie Chuck, and I’m the royal Chamberlain. Now here in Eggstonia, people often greet each other by saying, eggy-eggy-eggy! And reply oi-oi-oi! So whenever I come on, I’ll shout, eggy-eggy-eggy! And you all reply, oi-oi-oi! Will you do that? (response) Wonderful. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Eggy-eggy-eggy! That was very loud, was it. Let’s try it again. (repeats business) Eggy-eggy-eggy! That was eggceptional.

Villager 1 When are the royal family arriving, Charlie?

Villager 2 We’ve come to watch them give the speech to the Magic Wall.

Charlie They’ll be arriving shortly. And the King will recite the magic rhyme, to ensure that Humpty Dumpty stays locked inside the egg for another year.

Villager 3 And a good thing too. We don’t want that bad egg causing a big stink again.

Charlie Don’t worry. Humpty Dumpty will be staying right where he is. Music cue 3:

Villager 4 The royal party are arriving!

Villagers get into position ready to greet the royal party.

Charlie (announcing) Please welcome the royal family! King Eggbert and Queen Omelette. And her royal highness, Princess Shelley!

Enter King Eggbert and Princess Shelley (SR)

Villagers cheer.

P. Shelley What a wonderful greeting that was, father.

King Yes, it was eggstraordinary. (to Villagers) Greetings loyal objects! How are you all? (response) Eggscellent!

Charlie Where is Queen Omelette, your majesty?

King She has a bun in the oven.

Charlie Congratulations sire! The whole kingdom will be thrilled! Not to mention, amazed!

King Not that kind of bun, you fool! The eating kind.

P. Shelley I think you have egg on your face, Charlie.

Charlie Where? (wipes his face)

P. Shelley It’s metaphorical egg.

Charlie That’s the worst kind.

King Now, before I address the Magic Wall. I have an important announcement.

Charlie (coughs) Ahem!

King (gives Charlie a hard stare) As I was saying. I have a very…

Charlie…(coughs louder) Ahem!

King (to Charlie) Will you be quiet! (to audience) Now, as I was about to say…

Charlie…(coughs even louder) Ahem!

King (snaps at Charlie) What is the matter with you?

Charlie I’m sorry sire. But as the Royal Chamberlain, it is my duty to do all the royal announcements.

King Then get on with it man. If you can stop coughing long enough that is.

Charlie (loudly) Hear ye! Hear ye! Her royal highness Princess Shelley is to be married to Prince Benedict of Albumen, next Friday! And the day will be a national holiday!

Villagers Hooray!

King That seemed to go down well, Shelley. Now, what else am I supposed to be doing?

P. Shelley Making a speech to the Magic Wall?

King Ah, yes. (searching his pockets) Now, where is my speech?

Charlie (handing him a scroll) Here it is, your majesty.

King Thank you. I’ll just put my glasses on. (searching his pockets again) They’re not here. Where are my glasses? Somebody has stolen my glasses!

P. Shelley They’re on your head, father.

King (pulls glasses down) Silly me. I’ve made a spectacle of myself, haven’t I?

Charlie (aside) As usual.

King (reads) Citizens of Eggstonia! It gives me great pleasure to declare this village fete…

P. Shelley Wrong speech, father!

King Oh. (reads on) We are gathered here for the unveiling of…? (Charlie and Shelley, shake heads) Wrong again? (they nod and he reads on) I name this ship…? (Charlie and Shelley shake heads) Ah, here we are! As ruler of Eggstonia, it falls upon me to address the Magic Wall and recite the magic rhyme. (clears throat) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…

Enter Queen Omelette (SR)

Queen Stop! What do you think you’re doing, Eggbert?

King I’m about to address the Magic Wall, dear.

Queen You can’t do that!

King Why can’t I?

Queen Because we agreed to take it in turns, and you did it last year. Now step aside. (moves him aside) Citizens of Eggstonia! I will now address the Magic Wall. Whose presence keeps us free, from trouble and strife.

Villagers Here! Here!

King (to Queen) Do hurry up dear. Eggstonia’s Got Talent is on the TV soon.

Queen Stop egging me on, Eggbert. (addressing the wall) Oh, great and mysterious Magic Wall…(stops and sniffs) What’s that smell?

King Don’t look at me.

SFX: Smoke pours onstage.

Queen My bun is burning! I said we needed a new oven! Come and help me rescue it!

P. Shelley But what about the speech to the Magic Wall, mother?

Queen It will just have to wait. Now let’s hurry!

Exit Queen, King, Princess Shelley and Charlie (SL)

Villager 1 I’m not hanging around here all day.

Villager 2 Me neither. I’ve got better things to do.

Villager 3 Let’s go.

Exit Villagers (USR)

Enter Minnie Meringue (DSR) carrying a basketful of mini chocolate eggs.

Minnie Hello everybody! I’m Mrs Meringue, Minnie to my friends. They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think the best medicine is having lots of friends. Would you all like to be my friends? Fantastic! And to keep everybody in a nice friendly mood, every time I come on, I’ll shout, is everybody happy!? And you can all shout back, eggstatic, Minnie! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Is everybody happy? You don’t sound it. Let’s have another go. (repeat business) That’s better. I’ve just been to the doctor’s, for the third time this week. I said what’s wrong with me doctor? He said, I think you’re suffering from hypochondria. I said, not that as well! Now, today is St Scramble’s Day. And on this day, it’s customary to distribute chocolate eggs to the poor and needy. I’ve got a basketful here. But you all look well-off, so you can’t have any. Only joking. Here you go. (distributes eggs)

Enter Man (SL) He ignores Minnie as he makes his way towards (SR)

Minnie (to Man) Hey, you!

Man (stops) Who? Me?

Minnie Yes, you! Stop annoying me?

Man I wasn’t even looking at you!

Minnie I know, and it’s really annoying.

Man Sorry I’m sure.

Minnie I forgive you. (grabs him) Now let’s make-up with a big sloppy kiss.

Man (resisting) Madam please! I have scruples!

Minnie That’s all right, I’ve been vaccinated.

Man (struggling to free himself) Gerrroff!

Minnie Stop playing hard to get. I know you fancy me.

Man What makes you think that?

Minnie By the way your face crinkles up, when you look at me.

Man It’s called grimacing. Anyway, I’m married. (frees himself) Goodbye! (exits SR)

Minnie It seems everybody’s married, except me. I’ve even tried using Pledge as a deodorant, hoping that men might take a shine to me. But it didn’t work. Maybe I’m being too fussy, because I’ll only go out with big strong men. My last boyfriend was a karate expert and could kill a man with his bare feet. Unfortunately, he kept getting beaten up before he could get his shoes and socks off. I was married once, to an apple-farmer. But I’m a widow now. You can save your sympathy though, because he was rotten-to-the-core. (laughs) Apple? Core? I didn’t attend his funeral, but I sent a note wishing him well in the afterlife. It was only later I noticed the misspelling.

SFX: Peal of thunder. Lights flash and the egg starts to rock back and forth.

Minnie What’s happening?

SFX: Pyro flash and the Egg falls backwards off the wall.

Minnie Oh, no! The egg’s fallen off the wall. I’m sure there’s a rhyme about that.

Humpty (appears from behind the wall) Free at last!

Minnie (to audience) It’s a man! At least I think it is. Well, you can’t always tell these days, can you? (vamping Humpty) Well hello there, big boy.

Humpty Did you give me a funny look just then?

Minnie You’ve got a funny look all right, but I didn’t give it to you

Humpty Just watch it, missus.

Minnie You’re one of them, aren’t you?

Humpty One of what?

Minnie A mugger who’s about to frisk me all over, looking for money.

Humpty Have you got any money on you?

Minnie No, but I could always write you out a cheque.

Humpty I’m not a mugger.

Minnie Never mind, you can still frisk me if you like.

Humpty I’ll pass.

Minnie Most men find me irresistible, due to my unusual speech impediment.

Humpty What unusual speech impediment?

Minnie I find it impossible to say, no. Music cue 4: Minnie. After song ends…What do you think of my singing?

Humpty Your voice is out of this world.

Minnie You mean I sound like an angel?

Humpty No, an alien.

Minnie You’re not very intelligent, are you?

Humpty Yes, I am. In fact, I’m a bit of an egghead.

Minnie If you’re so clever, then answer this. If frozen water is called ice. And frozen cream is called ice-cream. What do you call frozen ink?

Humpty Iced ink?

Minnie I wondered what that rotten smell was. (to audience) He’s obviously a bad egg.

Humpty I certainly am! I’ve been stuck on that rotten wall for years, but now I’m free to roam wherever I please.

Minnie You mean, you’re a free-range egg? (laughs)

Enter Man (SR) He makes his way across stage shouting.

Man A E I O U! A E I O U!

Humpty What’s the matter with him?

Minnie I think he has irritable vowel syndrome.

Exit Man (SL)

Lights dim briefly. Enter Salmonella (SL)

Minnie (to audience) I don’t know who she is. But she looks like a shiver waiting for a spine to run up.

Salmonella (to Minnie) What are you staring at?

Minnie I don’t know, but it’s staring right back at me.

Humpty That’s my mistress, Salmonella.

Minnie Catchy name.

Salmonella And who are you?

Minnie I’m Minnie Meringue.

Salmonella There’s nothing mini about you.

Minnie People like you make me sick. (laughs to audience) Salmonella? Sick? Forget it.

Salmonella I intend to make everybody sick once I become Queen of Eggstonia.

Minnie We already have a Queen. And a King for that matter.

Salmonella I intend to get rid of them and claim the throne for myself.

Minnie You and who’s army?

Humpty My mistress doesn’t need an army. She has powerful magic.

Minnie Pull the other one.

Salmonella You don’t believe in magic?

Minnie Do I look like an idiot, to you?

Salmonella Yes, but perhaps this will convince you.

Run through the town, double quick,

Flapping and squawking, like a demented chick! (casts a spell on Minnie)

Minnie runs around flapping and squawking like a chicken before exiting (USL)

Humpty Thanks for releasing me from that rotten egg, mistress.

Salmonella You’re welcome Humpty.

Humpty I can’t wait to get my revenge on those rotten Eggstonians.

Salmonella Then let’s go and show everybody, just what a bad egg you really are.

Exit both (SL) laughing.

Enter King, Queen, Princess and Charlie (SR)

King We’re back! (looking around) Where is everybody?

Queen They’ve gone off.

P. Shelley (spots the empty wall) And so has the egg!

Charlie Pooh! I wondered what that rotten pong was. (holds his nose)

P. Shelley No, Charlie! It’s gone off the wall!

Charlie (looks over the wall) Humpty’s shell’s here, all smashed to pieces!

Queen Then Humpty Dumpty is free once more.

King (exclaims) Which means I’ll lose my crown! Whatever shall I do?

Charlie Your majesty must act at once!

King I am acting! (proud stance) And doing it rather well if I might say so myself.

Queen He meant do something you silly old fool!

Music cue 5: Enter Fairy Soufflé (SR)

P. Shelley Fairy Soufflé!

Fairy Soufflé (spots the empty wall) Oh, no! I’m too late, Humpty Dumpty is free!

Queen Yes, but how did it happen?

Fairy Soufflé It’s all Salmonella’s doing.

King Don’t tell me she’s returned!

Fairy Soufflé Yes, and she’s planning to wrest the crown from your head.

Charlie Then it’s a good job you’re here, to stop her again.

Fairy Soufflé I’m not sure I can this time. Her powers are much stronger than before.

King But I don’t want to lose my lovely crown!

P. Shelley What can we do, Fairy Soufflé?

Fairy Soufflé The egg must be put together again and placed back on the magic wall, within 24hrs. Or its power to hold Humpty will be lost forever.

Charlie But how? Humpty’s egg is all broken into pieces.

King I know! I’ll send for all the King’s horses and all the King’s men!

P. Shelley And women!

King What?

P. Shelley The army isn’t only made up of men, father.

Queen Well said, dear.

King (shouts) Send for the mixed-gender, army!

SFX: Clippity-clop of horse’s hoofs.

Enter Sergeant Eggyolk and Corporal Eggwhite (SL) both are banging two halves of coconut shells together.

Sergeant (pulling on invisible reins) Woah boy!

King Sergeant Eggyolk!

Queen Where are your horses, sergeant?

Sergeant UHU, your majesty.

Queen And you-hoo to you too, sergeant. But it doesn’t answer my question.

Corporal The royal horses have all been sold to the UHU Glue Factory, your majesty.

P. Shelley But why?

Sergeant Government cutbacks, I’m afraid.

King That puts us in a rather sticky situation, doesn’t it?

Queen Where are the rest of your platoon, sergeant?

Sergeant They couldn’t keep up with us, your majesty.

P. Shelley How come?

Corporal There weren’t enough coconut shells to go around.

Sergeant Now, what can I do for your majesties?

King The egg has fallen off the Magic Wall and released Humpty Dumpty.

Queen And it’s the army’s duty to put it back together again.

King Otherwise I might lose my crown.

Sergeant We’ll have him back in his shell before you can say, scrambled egg, your majesty.

Queen Eggcellent!

King (to Queen) Come dear. Let’s return to the palace and leave it to the eggsperts.

Charlie (to audience) There might be a prize for anybody who can count how many egg-based puns, are used in this show.

Exit the Royal Party (SR) leaving just the Sergeant and Corporal onstage.

Music cue 6: Enter a troop of Soldiers (SL) marching on in a rag-tag manner.

Sergeant Line the troops up, Corporal Eggyolk!

Corporal Yes, sergeant! (to Soldiers) All right you lot, line up! (lines them up)

Sergeant (walks done the line) Stand up straight! Chest out! Stomach in! (to Soldier 1) Do you know your shoes are on the wrong feet, soldier?

Soldier 1 But these are the only feet I’ve got, sarge.

Sergeant (to Soldier 2) How long have you been in the army?

Soldier 2 Ever since I joined up.

Sergeant (to Soldier 3) Tell me, what makes a good soldier?

Soldier 3 Well-browned toast?

Sergeant (to Soldier 4) How strong are you, laddie?

Soldier 4 I can tear a telephone directory in half with my bare hands, sarge.

Sergeant (impressed) Really!?

Soldier 4 Yes, but only if I do it one page at a time

Sergeant Check the other side of the Magic Wall, Corporal. And assess the state of the egg.

Corporal Yes, sarge! (goes around the wall) Streuth, sarge!

Sergeant Is it bad, corporal?

Corporal Phwoar! Not half. It smells like our barracks after curry night.

Sergeant Pass the pieces of shell over the wall.

Corporal Yes, sarge. (passes pieces of eggshell over the wall) That’s the last piece.

Soldier 2 What are we going to do with all these bits of shell, sarge?

Sergeant We’re going to take them back to the barracks, and piece them all together again.

Soldier 3 Oh, I love doing jigsaws.

Soldier 4 Me too!

Sergeant Let’s go. Platoon! At the double! Quiiiick…march! Left, right, left, right, left, right!

Music cue 7: Exit Soldiers (SL) with the pieces of shell.