Hansel And Gretel

Scene One

The Town Of Bakersville

Ma Kipling’s bakery is (USR) Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

SFX: Pyro flash.

MA KIPLING: (screams off) Aaaah!

CHORUS 1: What was all that awful screaming about?

CHORUS 2: It sounded like somebody being murdered!

CHORUS 3: Either that, or Ma Kipling singing again.

Enter Ma Kipling, from the shop, covered in bits of pastry.

MA KIPLING: Ooooh!

CHORUS 4: What happened, Ma?

MA KIPLING: I was making a cake from Mary Berry’s new cookbook, and it exploded.

CHORUS 1: The cookbook!?

MA KIPLING: No, you idiot! The cake!

CHORUS 2: What sort of cake was it, Ma?

MA KIPLING: Bombe Surprise.

CHORUS 3: No wonder it exploded!

CHORUS 4: Try using baking powder instead of gunpowder next time, Ma.

Exit Chorus laughing (SR)

MA KIPLING: Cheeky lot! (to audience) Hello, my little cupcakes! I’m Ma Kipling and this is my bakery. The Kipling family are renowned for making exceedingly good cakes. So, every time I come on and ask, how are you all? I want you all to shout back, exceedingly good Ma. Okay? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) How are you all? Wonderful! Now, who likes The Great British Bake Off? Then, you’ll be pleased to know they’re filming a special episode right here in Bakersville, and I’m in it! In it to win it! I’ve been trying to find my shop boy to clean up my messy kitchen, but he’s nowhere to be found. I suppose I’ll have to do it myself. See you all later. (exits inside shop)

Enter Jimmy (SL) carrying a shopping bag.

JIMMY: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Jimmy Dodger. That’s Jimmy, not Jammy. And I work at Ma Kipling’s bakery. But I’m feeling a bit sad this morning. (elicit sympathy) I’m sadder than that! Now, the one thing that cheers people up when they’re feeling sad, is having lots of friends on Facebook. But I don’t have many friends. (elicit sympathy) I’ve less than that! I expect you all have lots of friends, don’t you? Would you like another one? And now we’re all friends, whenever I enter, I’ll shout hiya friends! And you can all shout back, hiya Jimmy! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. Hiya friends! Brill! I overslept this morning, and Ma Kipling might be mad at me for being late for work. So, I’ve been and bought her a prezzie to soften her up a bit.

Enter Ma Kipling from bakery.

MA KIPLING: Jimmy Dodger!

JIMMY: Good morning Ma!

MA KIPLING: How come you’re late for work when you only live above the shop?

JIMMY: It’s just your perception Ma.

MA KIPLING: What are you talking about now?

JIMMY: They do say the older you get the earlier it gets late.

MA KIPLING: I’m not old!

JIMMY: Then how come you got all nostalgic when they showed those Neolithic cave paintings on TV the other day?

MA KIPLING: Rubbish! You’re not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.

JIMMY: And have any teenagers said that to you yet?

MA KIPLING: Not if they want to live to be middle-aged.

JIMMY: Anyway, I’m late because I popped out to buy you a prezzie, Ma.

MA KIPLING: A prezzie! For me? How lovely!

JIMMY: It’s to show my appreciation to you, for being such a kind employer.

MA KIPLING: Flattery will get you everywhere. Where is it, then?

JIMMY: In here. (opens bag) Just reach inside a take it out.

MA KIPLING: (brings out two small packets of flour) Flour! I run a flaming bakery! What do I want with more flour!?

JIMMY: You’re always saying you’d love somebody to buy you flours.

MA KIPLING: I meant from a florist, you numpty!

JIMMY: Don’t have a go at me Ma. I’m feeling really down today.

MA KIPLING: And why’s that then?

JIMMY: My budgie drowned. (elicit audience sympathy)

MA KIPLING: I told you not to keep it in a goldfish bowl. It should be kept in a cage.

JIMMY: I tried that, but the water kept running out.

MA KIPLING: It’s a good job you don’t work in a pet shop.

JIMMY: Plus my girlfriend’s fallen out with me. Look at this letter she sent me.

MA KIPLING: (turning letter over and over) It’s completely blank.

JIMMY: I know. She’s not speaking to me at the moment.

MA KIPLING: Well, I am! And if you’re late again, you can start polishing up your CV.

JIMMY: I can’t do that, Ma.

MA KIPLING: Why not?

JIMMY: I don’t own a French car.

MA KIPLING: I sometimes wonder if you own a brain. Yesterday you spent hours doing a jigsaw puzzle, until I pointed out it was a tin of broken biscuits.

JIMMY: I was just trying to find a whole one!

MA KIPLING: And what about the time you threw out a tray of fresh doughnuts?

JIMMY: They were faulty Ma.

MA KIPLING: In what way?

JIMMY: They all had big holes in the middle.

MA KIPLING: Ring doughnuts are meant to have holes in the middle!

JIMMY: Well, how was I supposed to know?

MA KIPLING: It might help if you weren’t so daft.

JIMMY: I’m not stupid Ma. I even applied to go on Mastermind once.

MA KIPLING: And what happened?

JIMMY: I messed up the application form.

MA KIPLING: Spelt your name wrong did you?

JIMMY: No, I didn’t!

MA KIPLING: Then what did you do?

JIMMY: On the bit where it said SEX, I put, yes please.

MA KIPLING: I can’t believe that old joke is still doing the rounds. Anyway, back to business. Did you clean out all those saucepans like I asked you?

JIMMY: Yes Ma. I scrubbed until they were all shiny, without a speck of black inside.

MA KIPLING: You idiot! Teflon non-stick pans, are supposed to be black inside!

JIMMY: Then why didn’t you tell me Ma? Anyway, if Teflon’s non-stick. Then how come it sticks to the inside of the pan?

MA KIPLING: I don’t know, but you must have a Teflon brain!

JIMMY: What do you mean?

MA KIPLING: (snaps) Nothing sticks!

Enter Charlotte at a run (SL)

CHARLOTTE: (excited) Mum! Mum!

MA KIPLING: (to audience) This is my beautiful daughter, Charlotte. Can I cook or what? What is it, dear?

CHARLOTTE: Prince Persipan is coming to Bakersville, for The Great British Bake Off! And he’s presenting the winner’s award!

MA KIPLING: I’m more interested in meeting that nice, Paul Hollywood. (quivers) Oooh! He can knead my floury baps anytime. (hoists bosom)

CHARLOTTE: (embarrassed) Muuum! You know I hate innuendo.

JIMMY: I hate all Italian suppositories. (to audience) Think about it?

CHARLOTTE: I also heard that Barry Bagel is entering the Great British Bake Off.

MA KIPLING: Let him. He’s got no chance against me.

CHARLOTTE: Bagel’s a bad’un mum and will stop at nothing to win.

JIMMY: I hear he’s connected with…(looks left and right)…the Cosa Nostra.

MA KIPLING: You mean that new coffee shop on the high street?

JIMMY: The Cosa Nostra, is another name for the mafia.

MA KIPLING: Well I never! Fancy naming a coffee shop after the mafia.

CHARLOTTE: What will you be making for the Bake Off, mum?

MA KIPLING: What’s the one thing that Ma Kipling’s famous for?

JIMMY: Giving short-change?

MA KIPLING: No! My Fabulous Featherlight Fairy Cakes!

CHARLOTTE: How do you make them so light, mum?

JIMMY: Yeah, what’s your secret?

MA KIPLING: If I tell you, you must promise not to breath a word to anyone.

CHAR & JIM: (silly salutes) Scouts honour!

MA KIPLING: Well, it’s all down to…(looks this way and that)…powdered helium.

CHAR & JIM: (exclaims) Powdered helium!

MA KIPLING: Sssshh! Not so loud!

JIMMY: You’re having a laugh, aren’t you Ma?

MA KIPLING: No! The Chinese discovered how to make powdered helium, and I buy it off Alibaba.

JIMMY: I didn’t realise he was in this panto.

CHARLOTTE: Alibaba’s the Chinese version of Amazon, Jimmy.

JIMMY: How does this powdered helium work, then?

MA KIPLING: You put it in the bun mix. And while they’re baking, the heat turns it back into a gas, which makes the buns exceedingly light.

Enter Hansel and Gretel (SR)

HANSEL: (to Ma Kipling) Pardon us, but are you Ma Kipling?

MA KIPLING: Who wants to know?

HANSEL: I do – didn’t you hear me ask just now?

MA KIPLING: Yes, I did, smart Alec!

HANSEL: My name’s not Alec.

JIMMY: I’ll bet you’re none too smart either.

MA KIPLING: And he’s an expert. He used to think origami was an Italian herb.

HANSEL: We’re your niece and nephew! I’m Hansel.

GRETEL: And I’m Gretel.

CHARLOTTE: Gosh! I didn’t even know I had cousins, mum!

MA KIPLING: Neither did I. Me and their mother Brioche, haven’t spoken, in years.

JIMMY: How come you fell out?

MA KIPLING: She blamed me for pinching her boyfriend.

CHARLOTTE: And did you?

MA KIPLING: Is it my fault all men are like moths?

CHARLOTTE: What do you mean, mum?

MA KIPLING: They’re drawn to the brightest flame. And mine was like a forest fire.

JIMMY: Just like your last birthday cake.

MA KIPLING: Shut up Jimmy! What can I do for you kids?

HANSEL: Can we come and live with you please, auntie?

CHARLOTTE: Your mum hasn’t thrown you out has she?

MA KIPLING: I wouldn’t put it past the sour-faced, uncaring, selfish hussy.

GRETEL: No – she’s dead.

MA KIPLING: (wails) Oh, no! My sweet, selfless, innocent angel…dead!

CHARLOTTE: What happened to her kids?

HANSEL: She fell from a tree, trying to rescue a sweet little kitten.

JIMMY: (to audience) How sad is that folks!?

GRETEL: Soon afterwards, father remarried.

HANSEL: And now our wicked stepmother, wants rid of us.

GRETEL: She persuaded father to take us deep into the woods and leave us there.

HANSEL: But I dropped a trail of white stones and we found our way home again.

GRETEL: The second time it happened, I dropped a trail of bread.

HANSEL: But the birds ate it all, and we couldn’t find our way out of the wood.

GRETEL: Then a kind woodcutter showed up and led us out.

HANSEL: We then decided not to go home again, but to find you instead.

MA KIPLING: (hugging them) You poor little mites! Of course, you can stay with me!

CHARLOTTE: How did you manage to find mum after all these years, kids?

GRETEL: We found an old photo of her amongst mum’s stuff. (produces photo)

MA KIPLING: No wonder you managed to find me. I haven’t changed in all these years.

JIMMY: (takes photo) No – you were ugly then and you’re still ugly.

MA KIPLING: Rubbish! It’s because I’m still young and attractive.

HANSEL: (turns photo over) Plus your address is on the back of the photo.

MA KIPLING: (snatches photo) That’s just a complete coincidence.

CHARLOTTE: Are you hungry, kids?

HAN & GRET: Starving!

MA KIPLING: Come inside and I’ll fix you something to eat.

Exit Ma inside with Hansel and Gretel.

JIMMY: I’m off to see check out this Alibaba site.

CHARLOTTE: What are you after, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Aqualungs for budgies. (exits inside)

CHARLOTTE: (puzzled) Aqualungs for budgies!?

Enter Chorus (SL)

CHORUS: Hi Charlotte!

CHARLOTTE: Hi guys!

CHORUS 1: Is your mum entering The Great British Bake Off tomorrow?

CHARLOTTE: Yes, she is.

CHORUS 2: Do you think she’ll win it?

CHARLOTTE: Well, she has been in the business a long time.

CHORUS 3: She’s been baking a long time an’ all.

Chorus laugh.

CHARLOTTE: Don’t be so cheeky!

CHORUS 4: I’ll bet you’re looking forward to meeting Prince Persipan.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, yes. (sighs) I think he’s wonderful.

CHORUS: So do we!

CHARLOTTE: Music cue 2: Charlotte and Chorus. After song ends…I’m off to…(local shopping-mall)…to buy a new outfit ready for meeting the Prince. (starts to exit SR and Chorus follow her) Where are you all going?

CHORUS 5: We’re going to buy new outfits too.

CHARLOTTE: What for?

CHORUS 6: You’re not the only one who fancies the Prince.

CHARLOTTE: (head in air) Suit yourselves. It’s a free world. (exits SR)

Exit Charlotte (SR) followed by a giggling Chorus.

Music cue 3:Enter Barry Bagel (SL)

BAGEL: Greetings! I’m Barry Bagel, and I aim to win tomorrow’s Great British Bake Off and prove that I’m the best baker in Bakersville. (calls) Dough! Knutt!

Music cue 4: Enter Dough and Knutt (SR) dressed as The Blues Brothers, complete with dark sunglasses. It’s obvious they can’t see properly as they fumble around the stage. They crash into each other and end up on the floor.

Get up and take off those stupid sunglasses!

DOU & KNU: (standing and removing their sunglasses) Yes, boss!

KNUTT: What did you want, boss?

BAGEL: I was in town earlier and heard something I didn’t like.

DOUGH: Was them local kids calling you names again, boss?

BAGEL: What!? (pointing at audience) Those rotten kids call me names?

DOU & KNU: Yes, boss.

BAGEL: What sort of names do they call me?

KNUTT: Stinky breath.

DOUGH: Big nose…

KNUTT: Fat head…

DOUGH: Spotty face…

KNUTT: Loser…

DOUGH: All right, that’ll do…

KNUTT: Pongy pants…

BAGEL: That’s enough!

DOUGH: Skinflint…

KNUTT: Sour-faced old goat.

BAGEL: Shut up! Before I shut you up, permanently!

DOU & KNU: Shutting up, boss!

BAGEL: (to audience) I’ll deal with you pesky kids later. (to Dough & Knutt) I’m talking about Ma Kipling, claiming to be the best baker in town.

DOUGH: But she is, boss.

BAGEL: Oh no, she isn’t!

KNUTT: Then who is?

BAGEL: I am!

DOU & KNU: You! (fall about laughing)

BAGEL: And what’s so funny about that?

KNUTT: But Ma Kipling’s buns have won loads of awards, boss.

DOUGH: Especially her Fabulous Featherlight Fairy Cakes.

BAGEL: So what? My rock cakes have sold far more than her Fairy Cakes.

KNUTT: Only because a local builder bought them all up to use as hardcore.

BAGEL: That was because you idiots putting sand and cement in the bun mix.

DOUGH: Well, how else are you supposed to make rock cakes?

BAGEL: I’ll prove I’m the best baker, by winning The Great British Bake Off.

KNUTT: How will you manage that, boss?

BAGEL: By cheating of course.

DOUGH: Silly question really.

BAGEL: You’ll both steal Ma’s Fabulous Featherlight Fairy Cakes recipe and bring it to me. I will then use her own recipe against her and win the Bake Off.

KNUTT: But she’s bound to remember her own recipe, so it’ll probably be a
draw.

BAGEL: If she remembered it, then she wouldn’t keep it written down, would she?

DOUGH: That’s true. But we don’t know where she keeps her recipe book.

BAGEL: Where would you keep something important, to stop anybody nicking it?

KNUTT: In an old Jacob’s biscuit tin.

BAGEL: Why a Jacob’s biscuit tin?

KNUTT: ’Cos you’d have to be crackers to look in there. (laughs) Crackers? Get it?

BAGEL: Idiot! Ma’s bound to keep it in her safe.

DOUGH: And how do we get inside the safe?

KNUTT: We could use a periscope.

DOUGH: How will a periscope help us break into a safe?

KNUTT: Simple. You put one end in your ears and the other end on the safe. Then twiddle the dial a bit, and it pops open.

BAGEL: I think you mean a stethoscope.

KNUTT: That’s right! I’ve seen it done in lots of old movies and it looks dead easy.

BAGEL: Forget stethoscopes and use this instead. (produces a stick of Rock)

DOUGH: A stick of Blackpool rock!?

BAGEL: I’ve just been on holiday and must’ve picked it up by mistake. You’ll just have to fetch some more. I want that recipe by today, or else! (exits SL)

KNUTT: I’ve never used explosives before, Dough?

DOUGH: Me neither. But I’m sure they come with instructions.

KNUTT: Like fireworks you mean?

DOUGH: Exactly!

KNUTT: My dad once lit a firework and never worked again.

DOUGH: How come?

KNUTT: Because it said, light the blue touch-paper and then retire.

DOUGH: Idiocy must run in your family.

KNUTT: I’ll get the burglary tools – you get the jelly and meet me in Tesco’s carpark.

KNUTT: Why Tesco’s carpark?

DOUGH: I’m going to pinch a getaway car. And you pinch a pair of ladies’ stockings.

KNUTT: What do you want those for? Or shouldn’t I ask?

DOUGH: All burglars wear them.

KNUTT: I don’t think I’ll bother.

DOUGH: They wear them on their faces!

KNUTT: Sounds a bit kinky to me – but whatever turns you on.

DOUGH: It’s to stop anybody recognising them!

KNUTT: I’m not surprised they don’t want recognising.

DOUGH: It makes your face look all squashed and misshapen!

KNUTT: I don’t think you need any stockings for that.

DOUGH: Just get going before I reshape your face!

KNUTT: All right, I’m going!

Exit Dough (DSR) and Knutt (USL)

Music cue 5: Enter Scone and Crumpet strolling on (DSL)

SCONE: This is the life, Constable Crumpet.

CRUMPET: Yes, Sergeant Scone.

SCONE: Policing a crime free town makes a change from…( local rough area)

CRUMPET: I heard it’s that rough there, even the moon won’t come out at night.

SCONE: Getting transferred to Bearsville is a dream come true.

CRUMPET: How did you manage it, sarge?

SCONE: I spotted my Superintendent in the back of a Mini with the Chief Inspector’s wife, taking down her particulars.

CRUMPET: Had she committed a driving offence?

SCONE: It wasn’t those kinds of particulars.

CRUMPET: That must’ve been a bit awkward.

SCONE: I expect so. Well, there’s not much room in a mini, is there?

CRUMPET: What did you do, sarge?

SCONE: I was about to take a statement…

CRUMPET: Don’t you mean, a Mini statement? (laughs)

SCONE: But the super offered to transfer me anywhere I liked if I put my book away.

CRUMPET: He bribed you to break the law!?

SCONE: Certainly not! He invited me to use my discretion – which I did.

Enter Woman 1 at a run (SL)

WOMAN 1: Officers! Thank goodness you’re here!

CRUMPET: What seems to be the trouble madam?

WOMAN 1: I wish to report a crime! Music cue 6:

SCO & CRU: (stagger back) A crime!?

SCONE: You must be mistaken. Nobody’s ever committed a crime in Bakersville.

WOMAN 1: They have now!

CRUMPET: And what is the nature of this…(air quotes)…crime?

WOMAN 1: Somebody has stolen a car from Tesco’s carpark.

SCONE: And did you witness the crime, madam?

WOMAN 1: No, I was inside the shop at the time. But I can give you the licence number.

CRUMPET: If you didn’t witness the crime, then how do you know the licence number?

WOMAN 1: Because it was my flaming car!

SCONE: Don’t worry madam, we’ll have your vehicle back before the day’s out.

WOMAN 1: Thank you, officers. (exits SL)

CRUMPET: That’s the first crime that’s ever been reported in Bakersville, sarge.

SCONE: I don’t believe any crime has been committed, constable.

CRUMPET: But that woman just said her car had been stolen.

SCONE: She probably left it somewhere and can’t remember where.

CRUMPET: Yeah, that must be what happened.

SCONE: Which means that Bakersville is still crime free.

CRUMPET: A good job too. We don’t want to have to tackle real criminals, do we sarge?

Enter Man at a run (SR)

MAN: Officers! Somebody has burgled my garage and stolen all my tools!

SCONE: Calm down sir, it might not be what you think.

MAN: What do you mean?

CRUMPET: You probably just left them somewhere and can’t remember where.

MAN: I’m not an idiot!

SCONE: Don’t worry, sir. We’ll find the perpetrator before the day’s out

MAN: That’s a relief, officers. (exits SR)

CRUMPET: What do you think’s going on, sarge?

SCONE: It’s obvious isn’t it?

CRUMPET: Is it?

SCONE: The whole town’s playing a big joke on us.

CRUMPET: What makes you think that sarge?

SCONE: Bakersville’s not likely to go from crime free to crime-ridden overnight is it?

CRUMPET: I suppose not. But why would they all play a joke on us?

SCONE: It’s probably because I’m new here.

CRUMPET: You mean, they’re having a laugh your expense?

SCONE: Yes, but we’re going to turn the tables on them.

CRUMPET: How sarge?

SCONE: By taking the Mickey out of the next person who runs on reporting a crime.

CRUMPET: Good thinking, sarge.

Enter Woman 2 at a run (SL) wearing thick wrinkly black tights.

WOMAN 2: Officers! Somebody has just pinched a pair of tights from my washing-line! You must apprehend the filthy thief at once!

SCONE: (realises she’s the Chief Inspector’s wife) I’ll deal with this constable.

CRUMPET: No, let me sarge! What did these tights look like, madam?

WOMAN 2: Like the ones I have on.

CRUMPET: (look at them) They must’ve been desperate.

WOMAN 2: How dare you! Do you know who I am?

CRUMPET: Why – don’t you? (laughs)

WOMAN 2: I’ve never been so insulted in all my life!

CRUMPET: With a face like that, you must’ve been. (nudges Scone) Am I right, sarge?

SCONE: No constable, you’re wrong. Very, very wrong.

CRUMPET: Why am I?

SCONE: Because she’s the Chief Inspector’s wife!

WOMAN 2: Correct! And if you don’t catch the thief within 24hrs, you’ll both find yourselves transferred to…(local rough area – exits SL)

CRUMPET: These crimes must be real after all!

SCONE: Just my luck.

CRUMPET: What are we going to do sarge?

SCONE: We must take steps, constable.

CRUMPET: Whose steps shall we take?

SCONE: What are you on about?

CRUMPET: Well, there aren’t any down at the station.

SCONE: I don’t mean steps, steps! (mines climbing a ladder) I meant steps…(takes big steps around the stage)…steps!

CRUMPET: Oh, steps…(takes big steps around the stage)…steps! Not steps…(mines climbing a ladder)…steps.

SCONE: Yes! Now, let’s step on it.

Exit Scone and Crumpet (SR)