Hansel And Gretel

Scene One

The Town Of Pleasantville

Typical panto village setting. Ma Kipling’s bakery is (USR – see properties)
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Oswald enters (DSR)

Oswald
(to audience) Hello boys and girls! My name’s ‘Oswald’ but you can call me ‘Ossie’. And I work right here at Ma Kipling’s bakery, putting all the holes in the ring doughnuts. And it’s a pretty boring job I can tell you. ’Holes?’…‘Boring?’ Oh, never mind. Now the one thing that helps cheer you up when you’re feeling bored, is having lots of friends on facebook. The only problem is I don’t have many friends. (elicit sympathy) I have less than that! (elicit more sympathy) I expect you all have lots of friends, don’t you? (audience respond) Would you like another one? Say ‘yes Oswald’! (audience respond) Fantastic! And now we’re all friends, every time I come on I’ll shout ‘Ossie-Ossie-Ossie’ and I want you all to shout back ‘oi-oi-oi’! Okay? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then.(exits and re-enters punching the air) ‘Ossie-Ossie-Ossie’! (audience respond) That was great! I’d better be off now ‘cos, I’m going to the shops to buy Ma Kipling a prezzie. It’s not her birthday or anything. It’s just that I overslept this morning, and I’m afraid she might be mad at me for being late for work. So I’m going to buy her a prezzie to soften her up a bit. See you later friends! (waves and exits SL)

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.

Ma Kipling screams offstage and Chorus run on (USL) to investigate.

Chorus 1

What was that awful screaming?

Chorus 2

It sounded like someone being murdered!

Chorus 3

It sounded like Ma Kipling, to me.

Ma Kipling

(staggers on from the shop, covered in bits of pastry) Ooooh! That’s the last time I try making Jamie Oliver’s ‘Bombe Surprise.’

Chorus 4

What did you do? Use gunpowder instead of flour?

Chorus 5

I wouldn’t be surprised. Ma Kipling is an exceedingly rubbish baker.

Chorus laugh.

Ma Kipling

How dare you! Everybody knows I’m the best baker in Pleasantville. My Fairy-cakes are world famous and my crusty baps…(hoists chest)…are second to none. Now clear off, before I kick you all up the Garibaldi’s. (chases Chorus off USL) What a cheeky lot. (spots audience) Well hello, my little French Fancies! Let me introduce myself. I’m Ma Kipling and I run this here bakery. Now as you know, the Kipling family are renowned for making exceedingly good cakes, so every time I come on I’ll shout ‘how are you all’? And I want you all to shout back ‘exceedingly good Ma.’ Okay? (audience respond) Let’s have a go then. (exits and re-enters) How are you all? (audience respond) You can do better than that. (repeat business) That’s better. Have some sweeties. (throws sweets out) Now if you’re a fan of ‘The Great British Bake Off’, you’ll be pleased to know that they’re filming a special episode right here in Pleasantville. And as I’m the best baker in town, I’m bound to win it. (checks her watch) Oswald my shop worker is late for work again. Goodness knows how he manages it, seeing as he lives above the shop.

Oswald enters (SL) hiding two small packets of flour behind his back

Oswald
(to audience) Ossie! Ossie! Ossie! (audience respond)

Ma Kipling
Speak of the devil. (to Oswald) Where have you been all morning?

Oswald
Well seeing as you’re such a kind employer, I thought I’d nip to the shops and buy you something nice before starting work.

Ma Kipling
Oh, how lovely! Give it to me, then.

Oswald
Here you are. (presents her with the packets of flour)

Ma Kipling
(dumbfounded) Flour! I run a flaming bakery! What do I want with more flour?

Oswald
But you’re always saying how much you love flours.

Ma Kipling
Yes. From a flaming florist! (to audience) Mind you, he’s not the sharpest knife in the block. When he first started working here, I asked him to put the holes in all the ring doughnuts, and he spent three hours looking for a box containing holes.

Oswald
Don’t have a go at me Ma. I’m feeling a bit down this morning.

Ma Kipling
And why’s that then?

OswaldMy budgie drowned. (elicit audience sympathy)

Ma Kipling
I told you not to keep it in a goldfish bowl. It should be kept in a cage.

Oswald
I tried that, but the water kept running out. Also, my girlfriend’s just fallen out with me. Look at this letter she sent me. (hands her a blank sheet of paper)

Ma Kipling
(turning it over and over) But there’s nothing on it.

Oswald
I know. She’s not speaking to me at the moment.

Ma Kipling
Well I’m speaking to you now, and I’m telling you to start pulling your finger out or start polishing up your CV.

Oswald
I can’t, Ma.

Ma Kipling
Why not?

Oswald
I don’t own a French car.

Ma Kipling
I sometimes wonder if you own a brain. (to Oswald) And have you cleaned out all those saucepans like I asked you?

Gretel
Yes. They were really black inside, so I scrubbed and scrubbed until they were all shiny again. Without a speck of black on them.

Ma Kipling
You idiot! Teflon non-stick pans are supposed to be black inside!

Oswald
Well how was I supposed to know? Anyway, if Teflon’s non-stick How come it sticks to the inside of the pan?

Ulrika runs on (SL)

Ulrika
Mum! Mum!

Ma Kipling
(to audience) This is my beautiful daughter, Ulrika. Can I cook or what? (to Ulrika) What is it, dear?

Ulrika
I’ve just heard that Prince Oliver is attending ‘The Great British Bake Off’ and will be awarding the winner the title of ‘Best baker in Pleasantville’. Isn’t it exciting?

Ma Kipling
Yes, dear. Almost as exciting as meeting that nice Paul Hollywood. (quivers) Oooh! He can knead my floury baps anytime. (hoists chest)

Ulrika
(embarrassed) Mum! You know I hate innuendo.

Oswald

I hate all Italian suppositories.

Ulrika

I also discovered that Barry Bagel is entering the Bake Off.

Ma Kipling

(dismissive) Let him. He’s got no chance against me.

Ulrika

Well just be careful, mum. Bagel’s a bad’un and he’ll stop at nothing to win.

Oswald   
I hear he’s connected with…(looks furtively left and right)…the Cosa Nostra.

Ma Kipling

You mean that new coffee shop on the high street?

Oswald

No! ‘The Cosa Nostra’ is another name for the mafia.

Ma Kipling

Well I never. (to audience) Fancy naming a coffee shop after the mafia.

Ulrika

So what are you going to make for the Bake Off, mum?

Ma Kipling

Well what’s the one thing that Ma Kipling’s Bakery is famous for?

Oswald

Giving short change?

Ma Kipling

Apart from that.

Ulrika

‘Ma Kipling’s Fabulous Featherlight Fairy-cakes’.

Ma Kipling

That’s right. (to audience) They’re so light, that each one comes with its own ribbon attached to a mini sandbag to stop it floating away.

Oswald

I don’t know how you make ‘em so light, Ma. What’s your secret?

Ma Kipling

That’s something I tell no one.

Ulrika

Come on mum, you can tell us.

Ma Kipling

All right, but you must promise not to breath a word to anyone.

Oswald

(does a ridiculous Scout/like salute) Scouts honour.

Ma Kipling

(leans in and they follow suit) Well it’s all down to…(looks about to make sure no one is eavesdropping)…powdered helium.

Ulrika & Oswald
(exclaim) Powdered helium!

Ma Kipling

(trying to shush them) Sssshhh! Don’t tell everybody!

Oswald

You’re having a laugh aren’t you?

Ma Kipling

No. Those clever Chinese found a way to make powdered helium and I buy it from Ali Baba.

Oswald

Now I know you’re kidding. Ali Baba is a completely different panto.

Ulrika

Alibaba is like the Chinese version of Amazon, Oswald. You can buy absolutely anything on there.

Ma Kipling

That’s right. (to Oswald) Last week I bought an air-guitar for my cousin’s birthday.

Oswald

But an air-guitar isn’t a real guitar. It’s just an imaginary guitar.

Ma Kipling

D’you know, I thought the package seemed a bit light.

Ulrika

(to Ma Kipling) How does this powdered helium work, then?

Ma Kipling

You put it in the bun mix, and while they’re baking the heat activates the helium. Turning it back into a gas and making the buns all nice and light.

Hansel and Gretel enter (DSR)

Hansel

(taps Ma Kipling on the back) Excuse me!

Ma Kipling

(turns) Yes?

Hansel

Are you Ma Kipling?

Ma Kipling

Who wants to know?

Hansel

I do. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked would I?

Ma Kipling

Oh, a smart Alec?

Hansel

My name’s not Alec.

Oswald

And I’ll bet you’re not too smart either.

Ma Kipling

(to Oswald) Well you should know. (to audience) He used to think that origami was an Italian herb. (to Hansel & Gretel) Who are you then?

Hansel

We’re your sister Jean’s, kids. I’m Hansel.

Gretel

And I’m Gretel.

Ulrika

(to Hansel & Gretel) You’re my cousins! How come we’ve never met before?

Ma Kipling

It’s because me and your aunt Jean haven’t spoken, ever since falling out over whose meringues where the biggest. She was always jealous of my cooking ability…not to mention my ravishing good looks. She moved house soon after, and I haven’t heard from her since. (to Hansel & Gretel) So what can I do for you kids?

Hansel

We want to know if we can come and live with you, auntie.

Oswald

Your mum hasn’t thrown you out has she?

Ma Kipling

I wouldn’t put it past her. Selfish to the core she is. And what a hussy! She spends more time down the docks than any sailor.

Hansel

No. She’s dead.

Ma Kipling

Oh, no! My poor sweet, selfless, innocent sister…dead! (to Hansel & Gretel) How did it happen?

Gretel

Well she was down the docks as usual, when she slipped on a skate, fell in the sea and drowned.

Ulrika

But what about your father?

Hansel

He remarried and is now under the thumb of our wicked stepmother, who wants rid of us.

Gretel

Twice she persuaded father to take us deep into the woods and leave us there. But each time Hansel dropped a trail of white stones and we found our way home again.

Hansel

So then we decided to run away and find you.

Ma Kipling

(crushing them to her bosom) You poor little mites! Of course you can stay here with me. But tell me, how did you manage to find me after all these years?

Hansel

We found an old photo of you amongst mum’s stuff. (produces a photo) See?

Ma Kipling

Well no wonder you managed to find me. I haven’t changed a bit in all these years. Look you two. (shows photo to Ulrika & Oswald)

Oswald
You’re right, you haven’t changed. You were ugly then and you’re still ugly.

Ma Kipling

Cheek! (to Hansel & Gretel) Are you hungry kids?

Hansel & Gretel 
Starving!

Ma Kipling

Then come inside and I’ll fix you something to eat. (exits with Hansel & Gretel)

Oswald

I think I’ll check out this Alibaba site and see if they sell aqualungs for budgies.

Ulrika

‘Aqualungs for budgies’!?

Oswald

Well you did say they sold ‘absolutely everything’. (exits into shop)

Ulrika

(to audience) I can’t believe that Prince Oliver is coming here. I wonder if he’ll notice me.

Chorus enter (SL)

Chorus
Hi Ulrika!

Ulrika
Hello you lot!

Chorus 1

Is your mum entering ‘The Great British Bake Off’ tomorrow?

Ulrika
She certainly is.

Chorus 2

Do you think she has a chance of winning?

Ulrika
Well she has been in the business a long time.

Chorus 3

(aside to the other Chorus) She’s been in the baking business a long time an’ all.

Chorus snigger.

Ulrika
Prince Oliver will also be attending and I’m going to buy myself a new outfit for the occasion.

Chorus 4

(to Ulrika) Are you hoping to impress the Prince, then?

Ulrika 
(cagey) Only in my capacity as a representative of Ma Kipling’s Bakery.

Chorus 5

You can’t fool us Ulrika. You’re always fantasising about marrying the Prince.

Ulrika
(confessing) It’s true. He’s so handsome and dashing. Music cue 2: Ulrika and Chorus. After song ends…Well I’m off pick up my outfit. See you all later. (starts to exit SR and Chorus follow her) Why are you all following me?

Chorus 2

We’re all going to buy new outfits too.

Ulrika

What for?

Chorus 3

You’re not the only girl who fancies the Prince, Ulrika.

Ulrika

(huffily) Suit yourselves. (exits SR followed by a giggling Chorus)

Lights dim. Music cue 3: Barry Bagel enters (SL)

Bagel
(to audience) Greetings, soggy bottoms! I’m Barry Bagel, the best baker in town. Oh yes, I am!  (audience respond) Oh yes, I am! And I aim to prove it by winning The Great British Bake Off’. (shouts) Gary and Baldi!

Music cue 4: Gary and Baldi enter opposite sides dressed like The Blues Brothers complete with dark sunglasses. It’s obvious they can’t see properly as they fumble around stage.

Bagel

(snaps) Over here, you numpty’s!

As they try and find their way to him, Gary and Baldi manage to crash into each other and both end up on the floor.

Bagel

Stop messing about and take off those stupid sunglasses!

Gary &  Baldi
(standing and removing their sunglasses) Yes, boss! You’re the boss, boss!

Bagel 
And don’t you two forget it!

Gary
So what do you want, boss?

Bagel  
I was in town earlier and heard something I didn’t like.

Baldi

Was them local kids calling you names again, boss?

Bagel

(shocked) What!? (pointing at audience) Those rotten kids call me names?

Gary & Baldi
Yes, boss!

Bagel
What kind of names do they call me?

Gary
‘Stinky breath’!

Baldi
‘Big nose’…

Gary
…‘Fat head’…

Baldi
…‘Spotty face’…

Gary
‘Loser…

Bagel
…All right that’ll do…

They ignore him and continue.

Gary
…‘Pongy pants’…

Bagel 
That’s enough!

They carry on.

Baldi 
…‘Skinflint’…

Gary
…‘Sour-faced old goat’.

Bagel
Shut up, before I shut you up…permanently!

Gary & Baldi 
Shutting up, boss!

Bagel
(to audience) I’ll deal with you pesky kids later. (to Gary & Baldi) I’m talking about ‘Ma Kipling claiming to be ‘the best baker in Pleasantville’.

Baldi
But she is, boss.

Bagel 
No she isn’t! I am!

Gary & Baldi
(laugh and point) You!

Bagel
(snaps) And what’s so funny about that?

Gary
Well no offence boss, but every year you both enter the village baking competition. And every year Ma Kipling wins, with her ‘Fabulous Featherlight Fairy-cakes’.

Baldi
That’s because they’re the lightest, fluffiest, tastiest Fairy-cakes ever.

Gary
Yeah and they’ve won loads of awards.

Bagel 
My buns have won  awards, too.

Baldi
That’s true. Bagel’s rock-cakes won an military award, and the army now use them as cannonballs.

Bagel 
Only because you two idiots put sand and cement in the cake mix.

Gary

Well how else are you supposed to make rock-cakes?

Bagel

Never mind that now! I intend to win ‘The Great British Bake Off’ and prove that I’m the best baker in town.

Baldi

How?

Bagel
By cheating of course.

Baldi
(aside to audience) Silly question really.

Bagel
Tonight, you two will break into Ma Kipling’s bakery and steal her secret recipe for her ‘Fabulous Featherlight Fairy-cakes’ and bring it to me. I will use then her own recipe against her and win the Bake Off.

Gary
But surely she’ll remember her own recipe, boss?

Bagel
I doubt it. The old fool can barely remember her own name.

Baldi

But we don’t know where she keeps her recipe book.

Bagel

Well where would you keep something important, to prevent someone nicking it?

Baldi

In the bank?

Bagel
Apart from the bank?

Gary
(brightly) A Jacob’s biscuit tin!

Bagel 
Why a Jacob’s biscuit tin?

Gary
‘Cos you’d have to be crackers to look in there. (laughs to audience) Get it? ‘Jacob’s’…‘Crackers’?

Bagel
(snaps) Idiot! I was talking about a safe. Ma Kipling has a big one and is sure to keep her secret recipe in there.

Baldi
And how do we get inside the safe?

Gary
(brightly) I know! By using a periscope!

Baldi
How will a periscope help us break into Ma Kipling’s safe?

Gary
Simple. You put one end in your ears and the other end on the safe. Then you twiddle the dial a bit, and Bob’s your uncle. It pops open as if by magic.

Bagel
(puzzling) ‘Periscope’? (suddenly) You mean a ‘stethoscope’, you idiot!

Gary
That’s right. I’ve seen it done in lots of old movies and it looks dead easy.

Bagel
Forget stethoscopes and use this instead. (produces a stick of seaside Rock)

Baldi
A stick of Blackpool rock!

Bagel
Rats! I’ve just been on holiday there and must have picked it up by mistake, instead of the gelignite. You’ll just have to get some more. I want that recipe in my hands by today, or else. (exits SL)

Gary
(to Baldi) I’m a bit worried about using explosives. Last bonfire night I lit a rocket and ended up fifty-feet in the air.

Baldi
You were supposed to let go of it. Didn’t you read the instructions?

Gary
‘Course I did. It said ‘light the blue touch-paper and then retire’.

Baldi
Then why didn’t you do as it said?

Gary
‘Cos I’m too young to retire.

Baldi
(sighs) I think your brain retired long ago. Right, I’ll go and pinch some burglary tools. You get hold of some jelly and meet me later in Asda’s carpark.

Gary
Why Asda’s carpark?

Baldi
Well we’re going to need a getaway car, aren’t we? Oh, and pick up a pair of ladies’ stockings instore while you’re at it.

Gary

What for?

Baldi

To wear over our heads and stop anyone recognising us.

Gary 
Okay. I’ll call to my sister’s and borrow a pair of hers.

They exit (SR)