Hansel And Gretel

Scene One

The Town Of Bakersville

Ma Kipling’s bakery is (USR) Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

SFX: Pyrotechnic flash.

Ma Kipling (screams off) Aaaah!

Chorus 1 What was all that awful screaming about?

Chorus 2 It sounded like someone being murdered!

Chorus 3 Either that, or Ma Kipling’s singing in her shop again.

Enter Ma Kipling, staggering in from the shop, covered in bits of pastry.

Ma Kipling Ooooh!

Chorus 4 What happened, Ma?

Ma Kipling I was making a cake from Mary Berry’s new cookbook, and it exploded.

Chorus 5 What, the cookbook!?

Ma Kipling No, you idiot! The cake! I think the microwave must’ve been faulty.

Chorus 6 What sort of cake was it, Ma?

Ma Kipling Bombe Surprise.

Chorus 7 No wonder it exploded.

Chorus Try using baking powder instead of gunpowder next time, Ma.

Exit Chorus laughing (SR)

Ma Kipling Cheeky lot! (to audience) Hello, my little French Fancies! I’m Ma Kipling and this is my bakery. The Kipling family are renowned for making exceedingly good cakes. So, every time I come on and ask, how are you all? I want you all to shout back, exceedingly good Ma. Okay? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) How are you all? (repeat business until happy) Now, I expect that most of you are fans of The Great British Bake Off. So, you’ll be pleased to know that they’re filming a special episode right here in Bakersville. And as the best baker in town, I’m bound to win it. I’d better go and get my kitchen cleaned up. I would get my shop boy to do it, but he’s late for work again. See you all later. (exits inside shop)

Enter Jimmy (SL) carrying a shopping bag.

Jimmy Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Jimmy Dodger. That’s Jimmy, not Jammy. And I work at Ma Kipling’s bakery putting holes in the ring doughnuts. I prefer Jammy doughnuts, but it takes me ten minutes to lick my fingers afterwards. But I’m feeling a bit sad this morning. (elicit sympathy) I’m sadder than that! Now, the one thing that cheers people up when they’re feeling sad, is having lots of friends on Facebook. Unfortunately, I don’t have many friends. (elicit sympathy) I’ve less than that! I expect you all have lots of friends, don’t you? Would you like another one? And now we’re all friends, whenever I enter, I’ll shout hiya friends! And you can all shout back, hiya Jimmy! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. Hiya friends! Brill! I overslept this morning, and Ma Kipling might be mad at me for being late for work. So, I’ve bought her a prezzie to soften her up a bit and it’s in this bag.

Enter Ma Kipling from bakery.

Ma Kipling Jimmy Dodger!

Jimmy (aside to audience) Ma seems extra mad today. Good job I bought her a prezzie.

Ma Kipling How come you’re late for work, when you only live above the shop?

Jimmy I just popped out to buy you a prezzie, ma.

Ma Kipling A prezzie! For me? How lovely!

Jimmy It’s to show my appreciation, for you being a such kind employer.

Ma Kipling Flattery will get you everywhere. Where is it, then?

Jimmy In here. (opens bag) Just reach inside a take it out.

Ma Kipling (brings out two small packets of flour) Flour! I run a flaming bakery! What do I want with more flour!?

Jimmy But you’re always saying that you’d love somebody to buy you flours.

Ma Kipling I meant, from a flaming florist!

Jimmy Don’t have a go at me Ma. I’m feeling a bit down today.

Ma Kipling Why’s that then?

Jimmy My budgie drowned. (elicit audience sympathy)

Ma Kipling I told you not to keep it in a goldfish bowl. It should be kept in a cage.

Jimmy I tried that, but the water kept running out. Also, my girlfriend’s fallen out with me. Look at this letter she sent me. (hands her a blank sheet of paper)

Ma Kipling (turning it over and over) It’s completely blank.

Jimmy I know. She’s not speaking to me at the moment.

Ma Kipling Well, I am! And if you’re late again, you can start polishing up your CV.

Jimmy I can’t do that, Ma.

Ma Kipling Why not?

Jimmy I don’t own a French car.

Ma Kipling I sometimes wonder if you own a brain. Did you clean out all those saucepans like I asked?

Jimmy Yes Ma. They were totally black inside. So, I scrubbed and scrubbed until they were all shiny again. Without a speck of black on them.

Ma Kipling You idiot! Teflon non-stick pans, are supposed to be black inside!

Jimmy Well, how was I supposed to know? Anyway, if Teflon’s non-stick. Then how come it sticks to the inside of the pan?

Ma Kipling Hang on. (produces a mobile) Alexa! How come Teflon non-stick, sticks to the pan?

V/O I haven’t the foggiest. Ask Google.

Ma Kipling Well, that was a waste of time.

Enter Charlotte at a run (SL)

Charlotte (excitedly) Mum! Mum!

Ma Kipling (to audience) This is my beautiful daughter, Charlotte. Can I cook or what? (to Charlotte) What is it, dear?

Charlotte Prince Persipan is coming to Bakersville, for The Great British Bake Off! And he’ll be presenting the winner’s award. Isn’t it exciting!?

Ma Kipling I’m more interested in meeting that nice, Paul Hollywood. (quivers) Oooh! He can knead my floury baps anytime. (hoists chest)

Charlotte (embarrassed) Muuum! You know I hate innuendo.

Jimmy I hate all Italian suppositories.

Charlotte Also, Barry Bagel is entering the Great British Bake Off.

Ma Kipling He’s wasting his time. He’s got no chance against me.

Charlotte Bagel’s a bad’un mum and will stop at nothing to win.

Jimmy I hear he’s connected with…(looks left and right)…the Cosa Nostra.

Ma Kipling Isn’t that the new coffee shop on the high street?

Jimmy The Cosa Nostra, is another name for the mafia.

Ma Kipling Well I never! Fancy naming a coffee shop after the mafia.

Charlotte What will you be making for the Bake Off, mum?

Ma Kipling What’s the one thing that Ma Kipling is famous for?

Jimmy Giving short-change?

Ma Kipling No! My Fabulous Featherlight Fairy Cakes!

Charlotte How do you make them so light, mum?

Jimmy Yeah, what’s your secret?

Ma Kipling If I tell you, you must promise not to breath a word to anyone.

Char & Jim (silly salutes) Scouts honour!

Ma Kipling Well, it’s all down to…(looks this way and that)…powdered helium.

Charlotte (exclaims) Powdered helium!

Ma Kipling Sssshh! Not so loud!

Jimmy You’re having a laugh, aren’t you?

Ma Kipling No. The Chinese discovered how to make powdered helium, and I buy it off Alibaba.

Jimmy I didn’t realise he was in this panto.

Ma Kipling He isn’t! Alibaba’s the Chinese version of Amazon.

Charlotte How does this powdered helium work, mum?

Ma Kipling You put it in the bun mix. And while they’re baking, the heat turns it back into a gas, which makes the buns exceedingly light.

Enter Hansel and Gretel (SR)

Hansel (to Ma Kipling) Excuse us, Mrs!

Ma Kipling Yes?

Hansel Are you Ma Kipling?

Ma Kipling Who wants to know?

Hansel I do. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked, would I?

Ma Kipling Oh, a smart Alec?

Hansel My name’s not Alec.

Jimmy I’ll bet you’re none too smart either.

Ma Kipling And he should know. He used to think that origami was an Italian herb.

Hansel We’re your sister Jean’s, kids. I’m Hansel.

Gretel And I’m Gretel.

Charlotte How come I’ve never met my cousins before, mum?

Ma Kipling Me and their mother haven’t spoken, in years. I didn’t even know she had any kids.

Jimmy How come you fell out?

Ma Kipling She blamed me for pinching her boyfriend.

Charlotte And did you?

Ma Kipling Is it my fault that all men are like moths?

Charlotte What do you mean, mum?

Ma Kipling They’re always drawn to the brightest flame. And my flame was like a raging fire.

Jimmy And now it’s just a dead ember.

Ma Kipling Embers might look dead, until you stoke them.

Jimmy Well, don’t expect me to do any stoking.

Ma Kipling What can I do for you kids?

Hansel We’d like to come and live with you please, auntie.

Charlotte Your mum hasn’t thrown you out, has she?

Ma Kipling I wouldn’t put it past her. She was a sour-faced, uncaring, selfish hussy.

Gretel No. She’s dead.

Ma Kipling (wails) My sweet, selfless, innocent angel…dead!

Jimmy How did your mum, die?

Hansel She fell from a tree, whilst trying to rescue a little kitten

Charlotte How dreadful!

Gretel Soon afterwards, father remarried.

Hansel And now our wicked stepmother, wants rid of us.

Gretel She persuaded father to take us deep into the woods and leave us there.

Hansel But I dropped a trail of white stones and we found our way home again.

Gretel The second time it happened, I dropped a trail of bread.

Hansel But the birds ate it all, and we couldn’t find our way home.

Gretel Then a kind woodsman showed us the way out.

Hansel But instead of going home, we decided to leave and find you.

Ma Kipling (crushing them to her) You poor little mites! Of course, you can stay with me.

Charlotte How did you manage to find mum after all these years, kids?

Gretel We found an old photo of her amongst mum’s stuff. (produces a photo) See?

Ma Kipling No wonder you managed to find me. I haven’t changed a bit in all these years.

Jimmy Let me see. (takes photo) You’re right. You were ugly then and you’re still ugly.

Ma Kipling (snatches photo) How would you like a kick up the macaroons?

Hansel Your address is on the back of the photo, auntie.

Ma Kipling (checks photo) So, it is.

Charlotte Are you hungry, kids?

Hansel & Gretel We’re starving!

Ma Kipling Then come inside and I’ll fix you something to eat. (exits inside with them)

Jimmy I’m just off to see check out this Alibaba site, Charlotte.

Charlotte What are you after, Jimmy?

Jimmy Aqualungs for budgies. (exits inside shop)

Charlotte (puzzled) Aqualungs for budgies!?

Enter Chorus (SL)

Chorus Hi Charlotte!

Charlotte Hi guys!

Chorus 1 Is your mum entering The Great British Bake Off, Char?

Charlotte She certainly is.

Chorus 2 Do you think she stands a chance of winning?

Charlotte Well, she has been in the business a long time.

Chorus 3 She’s been baking a long time an’ all.

Chorus snigger.

Charlotte Prince Persipan will be attending, and I’m buying a new outfit for the occasion.

Chorus 4 Hoping to impress the Prince, Charlotte?

Charlotte No. But I’ll be represented Kipling’s Bakery, so I must dress well.

Chorus 5 Admit it. You fancy the Prince.

Charlotte Okay, I admit it. (sighs) I think he’s wonderful. Music cue 2: Charlotte and Chorus. After song ends…I’m off to…(local shopping-mall)…to pick up my outfit. Cheerio! (starts to exit SR and Chorus follow her) Why are you all following me?

Chorus 6 We’re going to buy new outfits too.

Charlotte What for?

Chorus 7 You’re not the only girl who fancies the Prince.

Charlotte (miffed) Suit yourselves. It’s a free world. (exits SR)

Exit Chorus (SR) giggling.

Music cue 3: Enter Barry Bagel (SL)

Bagel (to audience) Greetings! I’m Barry Bagel, the best baker in Bakersville. And I aim to prove it, by winning The Great British Bake Off, tomorrow. (calls) Dough! Knutt!

Music cue 4: Enter Dough and Knutt (SR) dressed as The Blues Brothers, complete with dark sunglasses. It’s obvious they can’t see properly as they fumble around the stage.

Bagel Over here, numpty’s!

Dough and Knutt try finding their way to him and manage to crash into each other and end up on the floor.

Bagel Stand up and take off those stupid sunglasses!

Dough & Knutt (standing and removing their sunglasses) Yes, boss!

Knutt What did you want, boss?

Bagel I was in town earlier and heard something I didn’t like.

Dough Was them local kids calling you names again, boss?

Bagel What!? (pointing at audience) Those rotten kids call me names?

Dough & Knutt Yes, boss.

Bagel What sort of names do they call me?

Knutt Stinky breath.

Dough Big nose…

Knutt …Fat head…

Dough…Spotty face…

Knutt Loser…

Dough…All right, that’ll do…

They ignore him and continue.

Knutt…Pongy pants…

Bagel That’s enough!

They carry on.

Dough …Skinflint…

Knutt…Sour-faced old goat.

Bagel Shut up! Before I shut you up permanently!

Dough & Knutt Shutting up, boss!

Bagel (to audience) I’ll deal with you pesky kids later. (to Dough & Knutt) I’m talking about Ma Kipling, claiming to be the best baker in town.

Dough But she is, boss.

Bagel Oh no, she isn’t!

Knutt Then who is?

Bagel I am!

Dough & Knutt You! (fall about laughing)

Bagel And what’s so funny about that?

Knutt No offence, boss. But Ma Kipling’s buns have won loads of awards.

Dough Especially her famous Featherlight Fairy Cakes.

Bagel My rock cakes have sold far more than her Featherlight Fairy Cakes.

Knutt Only due to the army ordering thousands, to use as cannonballs.

Bagel That’s because you two idiots put sand and cement in the cake mix.

Dough Well, how else are you supposed to make rock cakes?

Bagel Never mind. I’ll prove I’m the best baker, by winning The Great British Bake Off.

Knutt How?

Bagel By cheating of course.

Dough Silly question really.

Bagel I want you to break into Ma Kipling’s bakery and steal her secret recipe for her Fabulous Featherlight Fairy Cakes and bring it to me. I will then use her own recipe against her and win the Bake Off.

Knutt But she’s bound to remember her own recipe, boss.

Bagel I doubt it. The old fool can barely remember her own name.

Dough But we don’t know where she keeps her recipe book.

Bagel Where would you keep something important, to prevent anybody from nicking it?

Knutt In a Jacob’s biscuit tin, underneath the bed.

Bagel Why a Jacob’s biscuit tin?

Knutt’Cos you’d have to be crackers to go in there. (laughs) Jacob’s? Crackers? Get it?

Bagel Idiot! Ma Kipling has a big safe and is sure to keep her secret recipe in there.

Dough And how do we get inside the safe?

Knutt We could use a periscope.

Dough How will a periscope help us break into Ma Kipling’s safe?

Knutt Simple. You put one end in your ears and the other end on the safe. Then you twiddle the dial a bit, and Bob’s your uncle. It pops open, as if by magic.

Bagel You mean a stethoscope, you idiot!

Knutt That’s right. I’ve seen it done in lots of old movies and it looks dead easy.

Bagel Forget stethoscopes and use this instead. (produces a stick of seaside Rock)

Dough A stick of Blackpool rock!?

Bagel Rats! I’ve just been on holiday there and must’ve picked it up by mistake. You’ll just have to fetch some more. I want that recipe in my hands by today, or else. (exits SL)

Knutt I hate using explosives.

Dough How come?

Knutt I once lit a rocket on bonfire night and ended up fifty-foot in the air.

Dough You’re supposed to let go of it. Didn’t you read the instructions?

Knutt Yes. I’m not stupid, you know. It said, light the blue touch-paper and then retire.

Dough Then why didn’t you do as it said?

Knutt’Cos I’m too young to retire.

Dough I think your brain retired, years ago. I’ll go and fetch some burglary tools. You get the jelly and meet me in Asda’s carpark.

Knutt Why Asda’s carpark?

Dough I’m going to pinch a getaway car. Oh, and pick up a pair of ladies’ stockings.

Knutt What do you want them for? Or shouldn’t I ask?

Dough To wear over our heads and stop anybody recognising us.

Knutt I’ll be too embarrassed to buy ladies stockings.

Bagel Then just pinch some from a washing-line, instead.

Knutt Okay.

Dough Meet me in the carpark in half an hour.

Knutt Righto.

Exit Dough (DSR) and Knutt (USL)

Music cue 5: Enter Scone and Crumpet strolling on (DSL)

Scone This is the life, Constable Crumpet. Policing a completely crime free town.

Crumpet Yes, Sergeant Scone.

Scone This place is a lot different to where I used to pound the beat.

Crumpet And where was that, sarge?

Scone (name of rough area) It’s that rough there, even the moon won’t come out at night.

Crumpet How come you managed to get transferred here, sarge?

Scone I spotted my Superintendent in the back of a Mini with the Chief Inspector’s wife, taking down her particulars.

Crumpet Had she committed a driving offence?

Scone It wasn’t those kinds of particulars.

Crumpet That must’ve been awkward, sarge.

Scone In what way, constable?

Crumpet Well, there’s not much room inside a mini, is there?

Scone That’s true. I was about to take a statement…

Crumpet…Don’t you mean, a Mini statement? (laughs)

Scone Very funny constable. Anyway, the super offered to transfer me wherever I wanted, if I put my book away, so naturally I agreed.

Crumpet He bribed you to break the law!?

Scone No. He invited me to use my discretion, which I did.

Enter Woman 1 at a run (SL)

Woman 1 Officers! Thank goodness I’ve found you!

Crumpet What seems to be the trouble madam?

Woman 1 I wish to report a crime. Music cue 6:

Scone & Crumpet (stagger back) A crime!?

Scone You must be mistaken madam. Nobody has ever committed a crime in Bakersville.

Woman 1 Well, they have now.

Crumpet And what is the nature of this…(air quotes)…crime?

Woman 1 Somebody has stolen a car from Asda’s carpark.

Scone And did you witness the crime, madam?

Woman 1 No, I was inside the shop at the time. But I can give you the licence number.

Crumpet If you didn’t witness the crime, then how do you know the number of the stolen car?

Woman 1 Because it was my flaming car!

Scone Don’t worry madam, we’ll have your vehicle back before you can say, Hobnobs.

Woman 1 Thank you, officers. (exits SL)

Crumpet That’s the first crime that’s ever been reported in Bakersville, sarge.

Scone I don’t believe any crime has been committed, constable.

Crumpet But that woman just said her car had been stolen.

Scone She probably left it somewhere and couldn’t remember where.

Crumpet Yeah, that must be what happened.

Scone Which means that Bakersville is still crime free.

Crumpet Thank goodness. We don’t want to have to tackle real criminals, do we sarge?

Enter Man at a run (SR)

Man Officers! Somebody has burgled my garage and stolen all my tools!

Scone Calm down sir, it might not be what you think.

Man What do you mean?

Crumpet You probably just left them somewhere and can’t remember where.

Man I’m not an idiot!

Scone Of course not, sir. We’ll have them back before you can say, Garibaldi.

Man That’s a relief, officers. (exits SR)

Crumpet What do you think’s going on, sarge?

Scone It’s obvious isn’t it?

Crumpet Is it?

Scone The whole town is playing a big joke on us.

Crumpet What makes you think that, sarge?

Scone Well, Bakersville is hardly likely to go from being crime free, to a hotbed of crime overnight, now is it?

Crumpet I suppose not. But why would they all play a joke on us?

Scone It’s probably because I’m new here.

Crumpet You mean, they’re having a laugh your expense?

Scone Correct. But we’re going to turn the tables on them.

Crumpet How, sarge?

Scone We’ll take the Mickey out of the next person who runs on reporting a crime.

Crumpet Okey-dokey, sarge.

Enter Woman 2 at a run (SL) wearing thick, black baggy tights. Scone realises that’s she’s the Chief Inspector’s wife, but Crumpet is unaware of this.

Woman 2 Officers! Somebody has just pinched a pair of tights from my washing-line! You must apprehend the filthy thief at once!

Crumpet I’ll deal with this, sarge.

Scone (tries stopping him) No constable, she’s…

Crumpet (to Woman)…What did these tights look like, madam?

Woman 2 Like the ones I have on.

Crumpet (look at them) Yuk! They must have been desperate.

Scone Listen constable…

Woman 2…How dare you! Do you know who I am?

Crumpet Why? Don’t you? (laughs)

Woman 2 I’ve never been so insulted in all my life!

Crumpet With a face like that, you must’ve been. (nudges Sergeant) Am I right, sarge?

Scone No constable, you’re wrong. Very, very wrong.

Crumpet Why am I?

Scone Because this lady, is the Chief Inspector’s wife.

Woman 2 Correct! And if you don’t catch the thief within 24hrs, you’ll both find yourselves transferred to…(name of rough area – storms off SL)

Crumpet Maybe all these crimes are real after all, sarge.

Scone Just my luck.

Crumpet What are we going to do about it, sarge?

Scone We must take steps at once, constable.

Crumpet Whose steps shall we take?

Scone What are you on about?

Crumpet Well, there aren’t any down at the station.

Scone I don’t mean steps, steps! (mines climbing a ladder) I meant steps…(takes big steps around the stage)…steps!

Crumpet Oh, steps…(takes big steps around the stage)…steps! Not steps…(mines climbing a ladder)…steps.

Scone Yes! Now, let’s step on it. (pushes Crumpet off SR and follows him)