SCENE ONE
OUTSIDE THE BIG TOP
Chorus are on Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Music cue 2: Enter Rocco the ringmaster [SR]
ROCCO: Hiya, folks! And welcome to Clarissa Clutterbuck’s Circus here on the village green! I’m Rocco, the Ringmaster, and I’m in charge of introducing all the fabulous circus acts we have lined up for your, enjoyment! If you liked The Greatest Showman, then you’ll love our show. I only joined Clutterbuck’s Circus a week ago, and I’ve already fallen madly in love with Clarissa’s beautiful daughter Goldilocks, the circus bareback rider. I haven’t told her how I feel about her yet, but I’m building up to it. I’m just off to see Clarissa about my ringmaster’s whip. Bye for now! [exits SL]
Music cue 3: Enter Greta Grimm [SL]
GRETA: Greetings! I’m Greta Grimm of Grimm’s Circus. I was hoping to pitch my big top on the village green, but Clutterbuck’s Circus has beaten me to it. I hate Clarissa Clutterbuck and I plan to make her circus go bust, so that I can take over the green permanently. [shouts] Snivel!
Music cue 4: Enter Snivel [SL]
SNIVEL: Yes, Boss?
GRETA: I have another job for you, Snivel.
SNIVEL: Is it something nasty?
GRETA: Is the sea wet?
SNIVEL: Of course it’s wet, Boss; what a perfectly daft question!
GRETA: It was a rhetorical question, you fool!
SNIVEL: What does rhetorical mean?
GRETA: It means I wasn’t expecting an answer.
SNIVEL: Why bother asking a question if you don’t expect an answer?
GRETA: Never mind. I want you to join Clutterbuck’s Circus and spy on them for me.
SNIVEL: Okay, Boss. What shall I join them as?
GRETA: Make out you’re a fortune teller.
SNIVEL: What do fortune tellers do, Boss?
GRETA: They tell people what they want to hear.
SNIVEL: How will I know what they want to hear?
GRETA: Just tell them. ‘You’re going to come into money, you’re going on holiday, and you’re going to find love’. And give yourself a suitable stage name.
SNIVEL: Like what, Boss?
GRETA: How about, Marvin the Mystic?
SNIVEL: Marvin the Mystic? I like it, Boss!
GRETA: Then go and gather any information that will help me destroy Clutterbuck’s.
SNIVEL: Yes, Boss! [exits SR]
GRETA: I’ll crush Clutterbuck’s circus, and then mine will reign supreme! [exits SL]
Music cue 5: Enter Silly Billy [SR]
SILLY BILLY: Hiya, boys and girls! My name’s Silly Billy and I work at Clutterbuck’s Circus. Not that I’m silly mind, it’s just a stage name. I chose it because my name’s Billy, and I’m hoping to become a silly clown. My catchphrase is. ‘Don’t get down’, and you all respond, ‘Be a clown’! Let’s try it. Don’t get down! That wasn’t very loud. Let’s try it again. [repeat] Fantastic! I’ll let you in on a secret. I’m in love with Clarissa Clutterbuck’s daughter, Goldilocks. I haven’t told her how I feel about her yet, and I’m just waiting for the right moment.
Music cue 6: Enter Clarissa [SL]
CLARISSA: Stand by your beds—the star with the big top has arrived! [hoists bosom] I’ve been busy all morning polishing loads of clown shoes, which is no small feat. [laughs] Do you get it? Clowns? Big feet? Forget it.
SILLY BILLY: Have you decided whether I can be a clown, Clarissa?
CLARISSA: Yes, Billy, and the answer’s no.
SILLY BILLY: But I’ve been practicing my juggling and everything.
CLARISSA: Show me then, Billy.
SILLY BILLY: Okay, I get just my balls out.
CLARISSA: I beg your pardon!?
SILLY BILLY: My juggling balls! [produces three juggling balls] Watch this. juggles Music cue 7: drops one and continues with two]
CLARISSA: You’ve dropped one, Billy.
SILLY BILLY: [wafting] Sorry about that, I’m a bit nervous.
CLARISSA: I meant, one of your juggling balls!
SILLY BILLY: So I have. [picks it up] Don’t worry, a bit more practice and I’ll be brilliant.
CLARISSA: How about a quick tumble, Billy?
SILLY BILLY: I’d rather we just stayed friends, Clarissa.
CLARISSA: I meant a clown tumble, you twit!
SILLY BILLY: Okay then, here goes. [does a clumsy forward roll on the floor, then stands and wavers] Oooh! I’ve gone all dizzy.
CLARISSA: You’ve always been dizzy, Billy.
SILLY BILLY: So, what did you think?
CLARISSA: I think you should carry on mucking out the animal cages.
SILLY BILLY: But I’ll never impress a girl if I always stink of animal poo.
CLARISSA: Try wearing a stronger deodorant, or possibly, Febreze.
SILLY BILLY: I’m not wearing Febreze! I’ll just have to win the girl of my dreams with looks, charm and personality.
CLARISSA: How long have you been suffering from these delusions, Billy?
SILLY BILLY: I’m a good catch, Clarissa; aren’t I, boys and girls?
CLARISSA: You’re not in the same league as Rocco, Billy. Now there’s a real hunk.
SILLY BILLY: Girls prefer a man who can make them laugh, Clarissa.
CLARISSA: That’s a double whammy for you then, Billy.
SILLY BILLY: One day I’ll make circus clown, and then nobody will laugh at me. [exits SR]
CLARISSA: Poor soul. I can sympathise though because I used to have trouble finding love. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? Because of my ravishing beauty, most men thought I was unobtainable. I eventually had to dress down a bit to get a man. Although I did keep my socks on.
