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Calamity Jane, emigrates from England to the American Wild West and ends up being kidnapped by a band of Mexican bandits. They are working for Geronimo, who plans to unseat the fast-food hi-tech loving, Chief Talking Bull and start an uprising.

Geronimo also has his eye set on marrying the Chief’s daughter Pocahontas, who is in love with Texas Ranger Clint Westwood. But an unlikely alliance between the Mexican bandits, outlaws Angelina and Jolie Pitt and Clint Westwood, ultimately defeats him.

A rollicking, fast-paced, wacky Wild West panto that will have your audience hollering for more.


13 principals, plus several lines for minor roles. Also a pantomime horse and a bear.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




Indian Braves
Indian Squaws
Candy Barr
Lightning The Horse
Grizzly Bear
Dancers; Saloon Girls; Customers; Animals; etc.



Candy Barr stands behind the bar. Music cue 2: Customers. After song ends…Customers can leave, stand around and/or sit at tables. There are saloon doors [SR & SL] through which actors enter and exit.

Enter The Milky Bar Kid [SR]

M.B.K: Hiya folks! Welcome to the town of Windy Bottom. My name’s Aloysius, but everybody calls me The Milky Bar Kid, on account of my liking for the white stuff. So, whenever I come on and shout, hiya folks! You can all shout, it’s The Milky Bar Kid! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. [exits and re-enters] Hiya folks! [response] The Milky Bars are on me! [distributes Milky Bars] Set ‘em up Candy, the drinks are on me.

CANDY: Sure thing Kid. The usual milk on the rocks for you?

M.B.K: Yeah and make it a double this time, I’m celebrating.

CANDY: Whaddya celebratin’, Kid?

M.B.K: My rich aunt from England is arriving on the next stagecoach, and I’m expecting a substantial amount of cash from the old gal.

CANDY: English folk usually have rich American relatives not the other way round.

M.B.K: Not in my case, Candy. I can never seem to get my hands on money. I’ve dreamt of it, gambled for it. I’ve even begged for it.

OLD TIMER: Have you tried working for it? [hawks, turns and spits SL]

SFX: Ding sound.

M.B.K: Eeeew! You said the W word.

CANDY: How ya gonna pay for all these drinks, Kid?

M.B.K: Don’t worry Candy, my rich aunt will pick up the tab.

CANDY: You’d better hope so Kid, or you might need picking up off the floor.

M.B.K: Listen to this telegram she sent me. [produces telegram] ‘Dear Aloysius…’

OLD TIMER: [laughs] Aloysius! What sorta name is that for a rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy?

M.B.K: Shucks, I ain’t no rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy.

CANDY: [passing him a glass of milk] Here’s your milk, Kid.

CUSTOMER 1: No, you’re more of a dairy cowboy. [laughs]

CUSTOMER 2: How come you don’t like booze, Kid?

M.B.K: It gives me wind and the froth gets up my nose. I’ll just finish reading my telegram. ‘Arriving today on the ten o’clock stage, stop. Looking forward to sharing lots of wealth with you, stop. Your loving aunt, Calamity Jane.’

CANDY: Sounds like you’ve struck it rich without lifting a finger, Kid

M.B.K: And that’s just the way I like it, Candy.

Enter Angelina and Jolie [SL] Angelina wears a bandana over her mouth.

CUSTOMER 3: It’s the Pitt Gang!

ANGELINA: Everybody, reach! [customers retch] I said reach, not retch!

JOLIE: Maybe they really are sick Angelina.

CUSTOMER 4: We’re sick of bein’ robbed!

SHERIFF: [stands] I’d advise you gals to hand yourselves in, or there’ll be trouble.

ANGELINA: [threatening] When we want your advice Sheriff, we’ll ask for it!

SHERIFF: [scared] Okay then, just let me know when you want it. [sits]

CANDY: Are you a man or a mouse, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: Pass me some cheese an’ I’ll tell ya.

ANGELINA: Everybody, hand over your wallets!

OLD TIMER: Get lost! [hawks and spits]

SFX: Ding sound.

ANGELINA: Show ‘em we mean business, Jolie.

JOLIE: Okay Angelina. [pulls a banana from her holster] You’ve asked for this.

CANDY: [laughs] She’s totin’ a banana!

JOLIE: Yes, and I’m not afraid to use it.

ANGELINA: [lowers her bandana] Why did you bring a banana to a holdup?

JOLIE: You told me to.

ANGELINA: Oh no, I didn’t!

JOLIE: Oh yes, you did. I distinctly heard you say, bring a banana.

ANGELINA: I said bring a bandana!

JOLIE: What’s a bandana?

ANGELINA: [tugs at her bandana] This is a bandana you, idiot!

JOLIE: Well, it sounded like banana to me.

All laugh.

ANGELINA: [draws gun] Stop laughing and hand over your cash, we ain’t got all day!

JOLIE: Yeah, we’ve got other jobs on you know.

M.B.K: Let me guess, you’re gonna holdup the bank with a mango!

All laugh.

ANGELINA: [pointing gun] That’s it! I’m gonna fill you all so fulla lead, they’ll be able to sharpen your heads and use you as pencils! [pulls trigger and gun clicks] What’s wrong with this thing? [checks gun] Where are the bullets Jolie?

JOLIE: I took them out to clean them.

ANGELINA: What for?

JOLIE: They were all dirty.

ANGELINA: So what?

JOLIE: So, if you shot anybody with dirty bullets they might get a nasty infection.

ANGELINA: Well, as soon as I put those nice shiny bullets back in my gun, the first person I’m gonna shoot, is you!

JOLIE: Owherrr! [exits at a run SR]

ANGELINA: Come back here! [exits after Jolie]

CALAMITY: [off] Mind where you’re poking that banana! [enters SR carrying a pile of luggage, which hides her face] Some people weren’t born with manners!

OLD TIMER: You’re telling me. [hawks and spits]

SFX: Ding sound.

CALAMITY: I’m looking for my nephew, Aloysius.

M.B.K: Aunt Calamity?

CALAMITY: Is that you Aloysius?

M.B.K: Yes auntie.