SCENE ONE
THE GOLDEN GARTER SALOON
Candy Barr stands behind the bar. Music cue 2: Customers. After song ends…Customers can leave, stand around and/or sit at tables. There are saloon doors [SR & SL] through which actors enter and exit.
ALOYSIUS: Hiya, folks! Welcome to the town of Windy Bottom! My name’s Aloysius, but everybody calls me ‘The Lactose Kid’, on account of my liking for the white stuff. So, whenever I come on and shout, ‘hiya, folks’! I want you all to shout, ‘Hiya Kid’! Will you do that? Okay, let’s have a practice. [exits and re-enters] Hiya, folks! That was great. Here, have some Milky Bars. [distributes Milky Bars] Set ‘em up, Candy. The drinks are on me.
CANDY: Sure thing Kid. The usual milk on the rocks for ya?
ALOYSIUS: Yes, and make it a double this time, Candy, I’m celebrating.
CANDY: What are ya celebratin’, Kid?
ALOYSIUS: My rich aunt from England is arriving on the next stagecoach, and I’m
expecting a substantial amount of cash from the old girl.
CANDY: English folk usually have rich American relatives not the other way round.
ALOYSIUS: Well, not in my case, Candy. I can’t seem to get my hands on money. I’ve dreamt of it, gambled for it; I’ve even begged for it!
OLD TIMER: Have you tried working for it? [hawks, turns and spits SL]
SFX: Ding sound.
ALOYSIUS: Ew! You just said the W word!
CANDY: How are you expecting to pay for all these drinks, Kid?
ALOYSIUS: Don’t worry, Candy, my rich aunt will pick up the tab.
CANDY: You’d better hope so, Kid, or you might need picking up off the floor.
ALOYSIUS: Listen to this telegram she sent me. [reads telegram] ‘Dear Aloysius…’
OLD TIMER: [laughs] Aloysius! What sorta name is that for a rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy?
ALOYSIUS: Shucks, I’m not a rough, tough, rooting, tooting, shooting cowboy.
CANDY: [passing him a glass of milk] Here’s your milk, Kid.
CUSTOMER 1: No, you’re more of a dairy-cow, boy. [laughs]
CUSTOMER 2: How come you don’t like booze, Kid?
ALOYSIUS: It gives me wind, and the froth gets up my nose. I’ll just finish reading my telegram. ‘Arriving today on the ten o’clock stage, stop. Looking forward to sharing lots of wealth with you, stop. Your loving aunt, Calamity Jane’.
CANDY: It sounds like you’ve struck it rich without lifting a finger, Kid
ALOYSIUS: And that’s just the way I like it, Candy.
Enter Jolie and Angelina [SL] Jolie has a bandana over her face.
CUSTOMER 3: It’s the Pitt Gang!
ANGELINA: Everybody, reach! [customers retch] I said ‘reach’, not retch!
JOLIE: Maybe they really are sick, Angelina.
CUSTOMER 4: Yeah, sick of bein’ robbed!
SHERIFF: [stands] I’d advise you gals to hand yourselves in, or there’ll be trouble.
ANGELINA: [threatening] When we want your advice, Sheriff, we’ll ask for it!
SHERIFF: [scared] Okay then, just let me know when you want it. [sits]
CANDY: Are you a man or a mouse, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: Pass me some cheese, Candy, an’ I’ll tell ya.
JOLIE: Everybody, hand over your wallets!
OLD TIMER: Get lost! [hawks and spits]
SFX: Ding sound.
ANGELINA: Show ‘em we mean business, Jolie.
JOLIE: Okay, Ange. [pulls a banana from her holster] You’ve all asked for this.
CANDY: [laughs] She’s totin’ a banana!
JOLIE: Yes, and I’m not afraid to use it.
ANGELINA: [lowers her bandana] Why did you bring a banana to a holdup?
JOLIE: You told me to, Ange.
ANGELINA: Oh, no I didn’t!
JOLIE: Oh, yes you did. I distinctly heard you say, ‘bring a banana’.
ANGELINA: I said bring a ‘bandana’, you idiot!
JOLIE: What’s a bandana?
ANGELINA: [tugs at her bandana] This is a bandana!
JOLIE: Well, it sounded like banana to me.
All laugh.
ANGELINA: [draws gun] Stop laughing and hand over your cash, we ain’t got all day!
JOLIE: Yeah, we’ve got other jobs on you know.
ALOYSIUS: Let me guess; you’re going to hold up the bank with a mango!
All laugh.
ANGELINA: That’s it! I’m gonna fill you all so full’a lead, they’ll be able to sharpen your heads and use you as pencils! [pulls trigger and gun clicks] What’s wrong with this thing? [checks gun] Where are the bullets, Jolie?
JOLIE: I took them out to clean them.
ANGELINA: What for?
JOLIE: They were dirty.
ANGELINA: So what?
JOLIE: So, if you shot anybody with dirty bullets, they might get a nasty infection.
ANGELINA: Well, as soon as I put all those nice shiny bullets back in my gun, the first person I’m gonna shoot is you!
JOLIE: Owherrr! [exits at a run SR]
ANGELINA: I’ll get you, Jolie! [exits after Jolie]
ALOYSIUS: What a pair of muffins! [laughs]
CANDY: Maybe I should hire them for my entertainment lounge.
CALAMITY: [off] Mind where you’re poking that banana! [enters SR holding a pile of luggage hiding her face] Some people weren’t born with manners!
OLD TIMER: You’re telling me. [hawks and spits]
SFX: Ding sound.
CALAMITY: I’m looking for my nephew, Aloysius.
ALOYSIUS: Aunt Calamity?
CALAMITY: Is that you, Aloysius?
ALOYSIUS: Yes, auntie!
