THE TOWN OF THEREANBACH
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Boris [SR]
BORIS: Hiya folks! I’m Boris Bogof, chief tourist officer for the town of Thereanbach, in beautiful Transylvania. A place that’s famous as the location for old horror movies. Thereanbach used to be a tourist hotspot, but those days are long gone, and it’s my job to attract people back again. So, whenever I come on and shout, where d’ya wanna go? You all reply, Thereanbach! Let’s have a practice then. [exits and re-enters] Where d’ya wanna go? I’m sure you can do better than that. [repeat business] Well done!
Enter Dame Hilda [SL]
HILDA: [turns] Hurry up slowcoaches!
BORIS: [spots Dame] Hello! It looks like they’re filming a remake of Bride of Dracula.
Enter Roger and Lucy [SL] carrying heavy suitcases.
ROGER: Did you have to pack so much stuff, mum?
HILDA: Only a man would ask such a stupid question.
LUCY: We are only here for a weekend break, mum.
HILDA: Actually, we’re staying a bit longer than that.
ROGER: How much longer?
HILDA: For good.
ROGER & LUCY: [shocked] What!?
HILDA: I’ve always fancied running a little country pub. And countries don’t come much littler than Transylvania. So, I’ve sold up everything back home and bought one here.
BORIS: Welcome to Thereanbach, folks!
HILDA: Hello handsome, could you direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn?
BORIS: I’m afraid that place was shut down years ago.
HILDA: And I’m re-opening it. I’m Dame Hilda Locket, the new owner.
LUCY: You’ve bought a pub in Transylvania called, The Wooden Stake Inn?
HILDA: That’s right.
ROGER: I have a very bad feeling about this.
LUCY: What else have you been keeping from us, mum?
HILDA: Apart from the identity of your father – nothing. [to Boris] This is my daughter Lucy and my son, Roger. And what’s your name young man?
HILDA: There’s no need to be rude!
BORIS: Bogof’s my name! Boris Bogof!
LUCY: [smitten] Pleased to meet you, Boris.
BORIS: [smitten] Likewise Lucy.
HILDA: So, whereabouts is The Wooden Stake Inn?
BORIS: [pointing SR] It’s about half a mile that way.
SFX: Wolf howl.
LUCY: What was that?
HILDA: It sounded like a wolf!
ROGER: A werewolf!?
BORIS: There aren’t any werewolves in Transylvania.
ROGER: That’s all right then.
BORIS: Dracula scared them all away, years ago.
ROGER: It’s like being on the set for Twilight.
HILDA: My favourite Dracula, was Christopher Lee.
LUCY: Christopher who?
HILDA: Lee! He would hypnotise his victims with his bloodshot eyes, before biting their neck and bleeding them dry. A bit like…[current Chancellor]
ROGER: Vampires give me the collywobbles.
BORIS: You don’t really believe in vampires, do you?
HILDA: I don’t.
LUCY: Me neither.
ROGER: I like to keep an open mind.
HILDA: That would explain why your brains have fallen out.
LUCY: [to audience] Do you believe in vampires, boys, and girls?
HILDA: That was inconclusive.
ROGER: Leave it to me. Listen folks. I’ll count to three, and I want those who believe in vampires to shout stakes in! And those who don’t, shout stakes out! Ready? One…two…three…!
LUCY: Who won?
ROGER: I think it was stakes out, but I wouldn’t stake my life on it.
HILDA: Forget all this vampire nonsense and let’s go.
Lucy strains to lift her heavy suitcase.
BORIS: Would you like me to help you carry that big heavy old bag?
ROGER: Thanks, but I doubt all three of us could lift mum, never mind carry her.
HILDA: He meant the suitcase! [to Boris] We’ll manage thanks.
LUCY: [coyly] Bye, Boris.
BORIS: [coyly] Bye, Lucy.
Exit Dame, Roger, and Lucy [SR]
BORIS: Gosh that Lucy’s pretty! In fact, I think I’ve fallen madly in love with her. [dances and sings] I’m in love! I’m in love! I’m in…!
Enter Mayor Klinkerhoffen [SL]
BORIS: [halts] Mayor Klinkerhoffen!
MAYOR: Why are you dancing about in a public place?
BORIS: I’m just a happy tourist officer Mr Mayor.
MAYOR: Speaking of tourists, where are they all?
BORIS: I’ve just welcomed a whole family here not five minutes ago.
MAYOR: Are they staying at Premier inn?
BORIS: No, that was burned down last week by vigilantes looking for a werewolf.
MAYOR: You didn’t tell them that, did you?
BORIS: No, but marauding vigilantes don’t make my job any easier, will it.
MAYOR: I want tourists Boris, not excuses.
BORIS: Don’t worry Mr Mayor, I’ll soon have them flooding in again. I’m buzzing with loads of ideas.
MAYOR: Name one.
BORIS: Well, they’re only embryonic at the moment.
MAYOR: Then you’d better grow one to full term, and quickly.
BORIS: Yes, Mr Mayor.