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Dame Fanny Haddock arrives in Transylvania with her son Roger, and daughter Lucy. To take over the running of The Wooden Stake Inn.

The local residents include Baron Frankenstein, who is creating a monster from spare body-parts. Count Dracula, who hides his coffin in the cellar of The Wooden Stake Inn to avoid Van Helsing, the vampire hunter. A roaming werewolf also makes an appearance.

A monstrously funny panto.


13 principals, some of which are slightly smaller roles. One small speaking scene for 2 actors as the Ghosts. Also Frankenstein’s Monster who has a few lines near the end. Plus a chorus with some lines.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




Skeleton 1
Skeleton 2
Frankenstein’s Monster
Dancers; Townsfolk; Zombies; Tourists; etc.



Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Boris [SL]

BORIS: Hiya folks! I’m Boris Bogof, and this is the town of Thereanbach in beautiful Transylvania, a place once famous as the location for old horror movies which made us a tourist hotspot, but those days are long gone, and it’s my job as chief tourist officer to attract people back again. So, whenever I come on and shout, ‘where d’ya wanna go?’ You all reply, ‘Thereanbach!’ Okay? Let’s try it then. [exits and re-enters] Where d’ya wanna go? I’m sure you can do better than that. [repeat business] Brilliant!

Enter Fanny [SL]

FANNY: [to audience] Oh, hello! I wasn’t expecting a welcoming committee.

BORIS: [aside] It looks like they’re filming a remake of Bride of Dracula. [to Fanny] Pardon me, but are you a movie star?

FANNY: [preening] Well, I’ve often been compared to Keira Nightly.

BORIS: [aside] She looks more like Keir Stamer. And what’s your name then?

FANNY: I’m Dame Fanny Haddock. I’ve been a widow for the past ten years, ever since my late husband died in a freak accident. His last words to me were. ‘Aaaaah.’ I had no idea I was standing on his oxygen tube.

BORIS: I haven’t seen you around here before, are you a tourist?

FANNY: No, I’m moving from England with my son Roger and daughter Lucy to start a new life in Transylvania. I must say, it’s a lot more colourful than it seems in all those old black and white horror movies. And what’s your name then, handsome?

BORIS: Bogof!

FANNY: There’s no need to be rude!

BORIS: Bogof’s my name, Boris Bogof.

FANNY: Where I come from you’d be known as, Boris ‘Buy-one-get-one-free.’

BORIS: Whereabouts are your son and daughter then?

FANNY: They’re following on with all our luggage. [looks SL] Here they come now.

Enter Roger and Lucy [SL] struggling with heavy suitcases.

ROGER: Can’t you give us a hand with these suitcases mum?

FANNY: I’d love too, but I suffer from Carpool Funnel.

LUCY: It’s ‘Carpal Tunnel,’ mum.

ROGER: I think she’s losing her grip. [laughs]

FANNY: Watch it, or I’ll give you a clip!

BORIS: Welcome to Thereanbach folks!

FANNY: Kids, this is Boris. Boris, this is my daughter Lucy and my son, Roger.

ROGER: How do.

LUCY: [smitten] Pleased to meet you, Boris.

BORIS: [smitten] Likewise Lucy.

FANNY: Could you direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn please Boris?

BORIS: I’m afraid that place was shut down years ago.

FANNY: And I’m re-opening it as the new owner.

ROGER: You’ve bought a pub in Transylvania called, ‘The Wooden Stake Inn’, mum?

FANNY: That’s right. I’ve always fancied running a little country pub, and countries don’t come much littler than Transylvania.

ROGER: [aside] I have a very bad feeling about this.

BORIS: [pointing SR] The Wooden Stake is at the end of that road there.

SFX: Wolf howl.

LUCY: What was that?

FANNY: It sounded like a wolf!

ROGER: A werewolf!?

BORIS: Don’t talk silly, there aren’t any werewolves in Transylvania.

ROGER: That’s all right then.

BORIS: Dracula scared them all away ages ago.

FANNY: My favourite Dracula is Christopher Lee.

LUCY: Christopher who?

FANNY: Lee! He would hypnotise his victims with his bloodshot eyes, before biting their neck and bleeding them dry. A bit like…[current Chancellor]

ROGER: Vampires give me the collywobbles.

BORIS: Don’t tell me you actually believe in vampires.

ROGER: I like to keep an open mind.

FANNY: That would explain why your brain’s fallen out.

LUCY: Boys and girls, do you all believe in vampires?

FANNY: That was inconclusive

ROGER: Okay folks, I’ll count to three, and all those who believe in vampires shout, stakes in! And those who don’t, shout stakes out! Ready? One…two…three…!

LUCY: Who won?

ROGER: I think it was stakes out, but I wouldn’t stake my life on it.

FANNY: Forget all this vampire nonsense and let’s get to our new home.

Lucy struggles to lift her heavy suitcase.

BORIS: Would you like me to help you carry that big heavy old bag?

ROGER: Thanks, but I doubt all three of us could lift mum, never mind carry her.

FANNY: He meant the suitcase! We’ll manage, Boris.

LUCY: [coyly] Bye Boris.

BORIS: [coyly] Bye Lucy.

Exit Fanny, Roger, and Lucy [SR]

BORIS: Gosh that Lucy’s very pretty isn’t she. In fact, I think I’ve fallen madly in love with her at first sight. [dances and sings] I’m in love! I’m in love! I’m in…!

Enter Mayor Muller [SL]

MAYOR: Boris!

BORIS: [halts] Mayor Muller!

MAYOR: Why are you dancing about in a public place Boris?

BORIS: I’m just a happy tourist officer Mr Mayor.

MAYOR: That’s all very well Boris, but where are the tourists?

BORIS: I’ve just welcomed a whole family here not five minutes ago.

MAYOR: Are they staying at Premier inn?

BORIS: No, that was burned down last week by vigilantes looking for some monster.

MAYOR: You didn’t tell them that, did you?