Frankenstein The Panto

Scene One

The Town Of Thereanbach

Music cue 2: Townsfolk. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Enter Boris, bounding on (SR)

Boris Hello everybody! Welcome to the town of Thereanbach, in beautiful Transylvania. My name is Boris Bogof, and I’m Thereanbach’s chief tourist officer. And it’s my job to promote the town and increase tourism. So, every time I come on, I’ll shout, where d’ya wanna go? And I want you all to shout out Thereanbach! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Where d’ya wanna go? I’m sure you can do better than that. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) Brilliant! Transylvania is famous as the location for many old horror movies, and people would travel here from all over the world. But those days are long gone, and our fortunes have fallen faster than…(local football team)…after Christmas. And it’s my task to revive our fortunes and bring the tourists back again. If only I could think of a way of doing it.

Enter Dame Ida (SL)

Dame Ida (turns and calls) Come along you two!

Boris (spots Dame) Hello! It looks like they’re filming a remake of Bride of Frankenstein.

Enter Roger and Lucy (SL) carrying heavy suitcases.

Roger Did you have to pack so much stuff, mum?

Dame Ida Only a man would ask such a stupid question.

Lucy It is quite a lot just for a weekend break, mum.

Dame Ida We’re staying a bit longer than that.

Roger How much longer?

Dame Ida For good.

Roger & Lucy (shocked) What!?

Dame Ida I’ve always fancied running a little country pub. And countries don’t come much littler than Transylvania. So, I’ve sold up everything back home and bought one here.

Boris Welcome to Transylvania!

Dame Ida Hello young man. Could you direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn?

Roger You’ve bought a pub in Transylvania called, The Wooden Stake Inn?

Dame Ida That’s right.

Roger (to audience) I have a very bad feeling about this.

Lucy What else have you been keeping from us, mum?

Dame Ida Apart from the name of your father – nothing.

Boris I’m afraid The Wooden Stake Inn was shut down years ago.

Dame Ida Well, I’m re-opening it. I’m Dame Ida Locket, the new owner. This is my daughter Lucy and my son, Roger. And what’s your name, handsome?

Boris Bogof!

Dame Ida There’s no need to be rude!

Boris I’m not being rude. Bogof’s my name. Boris Bogof.

Lucy (smitten) Pleased to meet you, Boris.

Boris (smitten) Likewise Lucy.

Dame Ida (to Boris) Pull your tongue back in and direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn.

Boris (pointing SR) It’s about half a mile that way.

SFX: Wolf howl.

Lucy What was that?

Dame Ida It sounded like a wolf!

Roger (scared) A werewolf!?

Boris Don’t talk silly. There aren’t any werewolves in Transylvania.

Roger That’s all right then.

Boris Dracula scared them all away, years ago.

Roger Dracula? Werewolves? It’s like being on the set of Twilight. (or other horror movie)

Boris I’m only joking.

Dame Ida I prefer the old horror movies. My favourite actor, is Christopher Lee.

Lucy Christopher who?

Dame Ida Lee! He played Dracula in lots of old Hammer Horror movies. He would hypnotise his victims by fixing them with his bloodshot eyes, before biting their neck and bleeding them dry. A bit like…(current Chancellor)

Roger Stop talking about vampires, mum. It’s giving me the collywobbles.

Boris You don’t really believe in vampires, do you?

Roger I believe in keeping an open mind.

Dame Ida That would explain why your brains have fallen out.

Lucy (to audience) Do any of you lot believe in vampires?

Dame Ida Well that was inconclusive.

Boris Leave it to me. (to audience) Listen up, folks. I’ll count to three, and I want everyone who believes in vampires to shout stakes in! And those who don’t believe in vampires, to shout stakes out! Ready? After three…one…two…three…!

Lucy Who won? The stakes in or the stakes out?

Roger I think it was stakes out, but I wouldn’t stake my life on it.

Dame Ida Forget all this nonsense and let’s get going.

Lucy strains to lift her heavy suitcase.

Boris (to Lucy) Would you like me to help you carry that big heavy old bag?

Roger I doubt all three of us could lift mum, never mind carry her.

Dame Ida He meant, the suitcase! (to Roger & Lucy) Now, let’s go and find my pub.

Lucy Bye, Boris. See you later…I hope.

Exit Dame, Roger and Lucy (SR)

Boris (to audience) Gosh that Lucy’s really pretty, isn’t she? I think I’ve fallen instantly, madly in love with her. (dances around singing) I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love!

Enter Mayor Klinkerhoffen and Ivan (SL)

Mayor Boris!

Boris (stops in his tracks) Mayor Klinkerhoffen!

Mayor What are you doing dancing about in a public place, Boris?

Ivan He’s probably drunk, uncle.

Mayor You mustn’t call me uncle when we’re on official duty, Ivan.

Ivan Why not, unc?

Boris Because people might think you only got the job as town clerk, due to nepotism.

Ivan Well they’d be wrong, wouldn’t they? I got it due to my uncle being the Mayor.

Mayor Never mind that now, Ivan. I’m here to question Boris about the lack of tourists.

Boris I have just welcomed a whole family to Thereanbach, not five minutes ago.

Ivan Are they staying at The Premier inn?

Boris No. That was burned down last week, by vigilantes.

Mayor You didn’t tell them that, did you?

Boris Of course not. But it won’t make my job any easier, will it?

Mayor I want tourists Boris, not excuses.

Boris Don’t worry My Mayor. I’ll soon have them flooding in.

Mayor You’d better. Otherwise your job will be on the line. Let’s go, Ivan.

Exit Mayor and Ivan (SL)

Boris I must find a way to draw the tourists in, quick. Think Boris, think. I know! I’ll organise an annual Monster Ball. Whitby pulls in loads of tourists with Dracula tours, and Transylvania is world famous for being the home of hideous monsters. And now that Dame Locket’s arrived, we can add one more to the list. Thank goodness Lucy doesn’t take after her. I think I’ll pay a visit to The Wooden Stake Inn and ask her out. Lucy that is, not her mother. See you later folks! (exits SR)

Enter Frankenstein’s Monster (SL) it goes downstage with arms outstretched.

Baron (shouts off) Frankie!

Monster stops, moans loudly and exits (SR)

Enter Baron Frankenstein (SL)

Baron Frankie! Where are you, Frankie? (spots audience) Good evening, all. My name is Baron Frankenstein, and I’m searching for my Frankie. He’s about so tall…(indicates height)…has green skin and a big metal bolt through his neck. You haven’t seen him, have you? You have! Which way did he go? Thank you! (exits SR)

Music cue 3: Enter Nickem and Cuffem (SL)

Nickem Well, here we are again.

Cuffem Well, here we are again.

Nickem Thereanbach Town.

Cuffem Thereanbach Town.

Nickem (cupping an ear) I can hear an echo!

Cuffem (cupping an ear) I can hear an echo!

Nickem (realises it’s Nickem) You’re repeating everything I say!

Cuffem You’re repeating everything I say!

Nickem No, you’re repeating everything I say!

Cuffem No, you’re repeating everything I say!

Nickem Stop it! (whacks him with his truncheon)

Cuffem But sarge! When we was first partnered up, you told me to copy everything you did.

Nickem I meant copy my policing style! Not repeat everything I say!

Cuffem Sorry, Sarge.

Nickem Now, you know why we is here, don’t you?

Cuffem (clueless) Erm…we must escort some little kiddies across a busy main road?

Nickem No! We is h’investigating the disappearance of bodies from the local cemetery. And reports of a strange, suspicious looking person in the vicinity. So, keep your eyes peeled for anyone matching that description.

Cuffem Yes, sarge.

Enter Dame Ida (SR) searching the floor as though looking for something.

Cuffem (spots her) Don’t look now sarge, but I think I’ve found them.

Nickem Is they strange looking?

Cuffem They is very strange looking, sarge.

Nickem Is they suspicious looking?

Cuffem They is very suspicious looking, sarge.

Nickem Where are they?

Cuffem They’re right behind you, sarge.

Nickem (turns) Good ‘hevning madam.

Dame Ida (looks up) Oh, hello!

Nickem I’m Sergeant Nickem and this is Constable Cuffem.

Dame Ida (to audience) I love these silly panto police names, don’t you? (preening) And what can I do for you two boys in blue?

Cuffem We believe that you’re the strange and suspicious looking person we is looking for.

Dame Ida Do I look strange and suspicious to you?

Nickem Quite frankly madam…yes.

Dame Ida Cheek! If you must know, I’m the new landlady of The Wooden Stake Inn.

Nickem Then why was you sneaking about in a very suspicious manner?

Dame Ida I lost an earring earlier, and I’m looking for it. Ah, here it is. (picks up an earring)

Cuffem It seems she’s telling the truth, sarge.

Nickem Please accept our apologies madam.

Dame Ida I should think so too. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I must get back and water my beer…gonias! Bye, now! (exits SR)

Cuffem I’ve just had a thought, sarge.

Nickem Well don’t leave it in there on its own lad, it’ll get all lonely like. Spit it out.

Cuffem My police exams are coming up, and I was wondering if you’d mind testing me with a few questions?

Nickem Certainly lad. Are you ready now?

Cuffem Yes, sarge.

Nickem Right then. What would you do if somebody reported a lost budgie?

Cuffem I’d send for the flying squad.

Nickem And what if somebody left a restaurant without paying?

Cuffem I’d send for the bill.

Nickem If you were faced by a dangerous criminal, what steps would you take?

Cuffem Ruddy great big ones!

Nickem I think I’ve heard enough, constable.

Cuffem How did I do, sarge?

Nickem About as well as I expected, lad.

Enter Baron Frankenstein (SR) sees Police Officers and quickly about turns.

Nickem (spots him) Good ‘hevening Baron Frankenstein!

Baron (stops and turns) Good evening officers. I didn’t notice you there.

Nickem I don’t suppose you’ve seen any suspicious looking persons on your travels, Baron?

Baron (wary) What kind of suspicious looking persons?

Cuffem Grave robbers.

Baron (all innocent) Grave robbers?

Nickem Someone’s been stealing bodies from the local cemetery, and we’re hot on their trail.

Baron No, I haven’t seen anybody. (laughs) Any-body?

Cuffem It’s no laughing matter, Baron.

Baron Sorry, officer. I have a rather dark, sense of humour.

Nickem Well, if you do happen to see anything suspicious, be sure and let us know.

Baron I certainly will, sergeant.

Nickem Come along Cuffem.

Exit Nickem and Cuffem (SR)

Baron Little do they know that I am behind the spate of bodysnatching. I’ve been using dead body parts to create a living creature, just like my father did. Unfortunately, the brain I used belonged to a famous escapologist and he escaped. And now I must recapture him and fit him with a different brain, before anybody discovers what I’ve been up to.

Music cue 4: Enter Burke and Hare (SL)

Hare You wanted to see us Baron?

Baron Yes. I need another dead body, right away.

Hare No worries Baron. When you hire Burke and Hare, you’ve hired the best.

Burke We’re the Marks and Spencer’s of the body snatching world.

Hare Even though you only pay Aldi prices.

Baron I pay minimum wage.

Hare Well, from now on we want paying a living wage.

Burke That’s right. Our motto is a living wage for a dead-end job.

Baron Fine. But you must be careful. The police are on the lookout for body snatchers.

Burke Do you think they’ll manage to catch them?

Baron Who?

Burke These body snatchers.

Hare We’re the body snatchers, you twit!

Burke Oh yeah, I forgot.

Baron How on earth can you forget what you do for a living?

Burke It’s because I’ve not been getting much sleep at night lately.

Hare That’s probably because we only work nights?

Burke That would explain it then.

Baron I want you to bring me the body of Professor Swinestein, who was laid to rest in the cemetery this very morning.

Hare You can rely on us, Baron

Baron Bring the body to my castle, tonight. Don’t let me down now. (exits SL)

Burke What do you think the Baron’s been doing with all these dead bodies?

Hare Maybe he’s opening a Transylvanian branch of Bodyshop.

Burke Do you really think so?

Hare Don’t talk stupid! Now, let’s go and collect the deceased body.

Burke I’m not going anywhere near a body that’s diseased!

Hare I said deceased not diseased! Now get going. (shoves Burke off SR and follows)

Enter Doctor Van Helsing (SL) carrying a tool-bag.

Van Helsing (to audience) Greetings, citizens of Thereanbach. I am Doctor Ludwig Van Helsing, and I’m here to rid Transylvania of its evil monsters. I’ve got wooden stakes for Dracula. Silver bullets for the Werewolf and a socket set for Frankenstein’s monster. I’m just on my way to The Wooden Stake Inn, to investigate reports of a horrible monster seen entering it, wearing ein big purple vig. Auf weidersehen! (exits SR)