Scene One
The Town Of Thereanbach
Music cue 2: Townsfolk. After song ends…Chorus exit (SL) Boris runs on (SR)
Roger Did you have to pack so much stuff, mum?
Dame Ida (to audience) Only a man would ask such a stupid question.
Lucy Well we are only here on a weekend break, mum.
Dame Ida Actually, we’re staying a bit longer than that.
Roger How much longer?
Dame Ida For good.
Roger/Lucy (shocked) What!?
Dame Ida I’ve always fancied running a little country pub. And countries don’t come much littler than Transylvania. So, I’ve sold up everything back home and bought one here.
Boris (spots Dame) Hello! It looks like they’re filming a remake of Bride of Frankenstein.
Dame Ida (to Boris) Pardon me young man, but could you direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn?
Roger You’ve bought a pub in Transylvania called, The Wooden Stake Inn?
Dame Ida That’s right.
Roger (to audience) I have a very bad feeling about this.
Lucy What else have you been keeping from us, mum?
Dame Ida Apart from the name of your father – nothing.
Boris I’m afraid The Wooden Stake Inn has been closed down for years.
Dame Ida I know, and I’m re-opening it. I’m Dame Ida Locket, the new landlady. (introducing) This is my daughter Lucy and my son, Roger. And what’s your name, handsome?
Boris Bogof!
Dame Ida There’s no need to be rude!
Boris I’m not being rude. Bogof’s my name. Boris Bogof.
Lucy (smitten) Pleased to meet you, Boris.
Boris (smitten) Likewise Lucy.
Dame Ida (to Boris) Pull your tongue back in and direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn.
Boris Of, course! It’s about half a mile…(pointing SR)…that way.
SFX: Wolf howl.
Lucy What was that?
Dame Ida It sounded like a wolf!
Roger (scared) A werewolf!?
Boris Don’t talk silly. There aren’t any werewolves in Transylvania.
Roger (relieved) That’s all right then.
Boris Dracula scared them all away, years ago.
Roger Dracula? Werewolves? It’s like being on the set of Twilight! (or other horror movie)
Boris I was only joking.
Dame Ida I prefer the old horror movies. My favourite actor is Christopher Lee.
Lucy Christopher who?
Dame Ida Lee! He played Dracula in lots of old Hammer Horror movies. (acting it out) He would hypnotise his victims by fixing them with his bloodshot eyes, before biting their neck and bleeding them dry. A bit like…(current Chancellor)
Roger Stop talking about vampires, mum. It’s giving me the collywobbles.
Boris But everybody knows that vampires don’t really exist.
Roger Well I believe in keeping an open mind.
Dame Ida That would explain why your brains have fallen out.
Lucy (to audience) Do any of you lot believe in vampires? (response)
Dame Ida Well that was inconclusive.
Boris Leave it to me. (to audience) Listen up, folks. I’ll shout vampire, and I want everyone who believes in vampires to shout stakes in! And those who don’t believe in vampires, can shout stakes out! Ready? After three…one…two…three…vampire! (response)
Lucy Who won then? The stakes in or the stakes out?
Roger I think it was the stakes out, but I wouldn’t stake my life on it.
Dame Ida Forget all this nonsense and let’s get going.
Lucy tries lifting her heavy suitcase.
Boris (to Lucy) Would you like me to help you carry that big heavy old bag?
Roger I doubt all three of us could lift mum, never mind carry her.
Dame Ida He meant the suitcase! (to Boris) We’ll manage just fine, thank you. (to Roger & Lucy) Come along you two.
Lucy Bye, Boris. See you later…I hope.
Dame, Roger and Lucy exit (SR)
Boris (to audience) Gosh that Lucy’s pretty, isn’t she? In fact, I think I’ve fallen madly in love with her. (dances around singing) I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love!
Mayor Klinkerhoffen and Ivan enter (SL) and spot Boris singing and dancing.
Mayor Boris!
Boris (stops in his tracks) Mayor Klinkerhoffen!
Mayor What are you doing dancing about in a public place, Boris?
Ivan He’s probably drunk, uncle.
Mayor You mustn’t call me uncle when we’re on official duty, Ivan.
Ivan Why not?
Boris Because then people might think, you only got the job as town clerk due to nepotism.
Ivan I don’t know what nepotism means. But I got it due to my uncle being the Mayor.
Mayor Never mind that, Ivan. I’m here to ask Boris about the lack of tourists.
Boris Actually, I’ve just welcomed a whole family to Thereanbach, not five minutes ago.
Ivan Are they staying at The Premier inn?
Boris No. That was burned down last week, by vigilantes.
Mayor You didn’t tell them that, did you?
Boris Of course not. But it won’t make my job any easier, if the locals are rampaging about looking for monsters that don’t exist.
Mayor I don’t want excuses, Boris. I want tourists!
Boris Don’t worry My Mayor, I’ll soon have them flooding in.
Mayor You’d better had, because your job is on the line. (to Ivan) Come along Ivan.
Mayor and Ivan turn and exit (SL)
Boris I must find a way to draw the tourists in, quick. Think Boris, think. I know! I’ll organise an annual Monster Ball. Whitby pulls in loads of tourists with Dracula tours, and Transylvania is world famous for being the home of hideous monsters. And now that Dame Locket’s arrived, we can add one more to the list. Thank goodness Lucy doesn’t take after her. I think I’ll pay a visit to The Wooden Stake Inn and ask her out. Lucy that is, not her mother. See you later folks! (exits SR)
Lights dim. Frankenstein’s Monster, Frankie – enters (SL) sees the audience and moves downstage with outstretched arms and moaning.
Baron (shouts off) Frankie!
Frankie stops, moans loudly and exits (SR) Baron Frankenstein enters (SL)
Baron Frankie! Where are you, Frankie? (spots audience) Ah, good evening. My name is Baron Frankenstein, and I’m searching for my Frankie. He’s about so tall…(indicates height)…has green skin and a big metal bolt through his neck. You haven’t seen him, have you? (response) You have! Which way did he go? Thank you! (exits SR)
Music cue 3: Police officers, Nickem and Cuffem enter (SL)
Nickem Here we are again.
Cuffem Here we are again.
Nickem Thereanbach Town.
Cuffem Thereanbach Town.
Nickem (cupping an ear) I can hear an echo!
Cuffem (cupping an ear) I can hear an echo!
Nickem (realises it’s Nickem) You’re repeating everything I say!
Cuffem You’re repeating everything I say!
Nickem No, you’re repeating everything I say!
Cuffem No, you’re repeating everything I say!
Nickem Stop it! (whacks him with his truncheon)
Cuffem But sarge! When we was first partnered up, you told me to copy everything you did.
Nickem I meant copy my policing style, not repeat everything I say!
Cuffem Sorry, Sarge.
Nickem Now you know why we is here, don’t you?
Cuffem (clueless) Erm…we have to escort some little kiddies across a busy main road?
Nickem No! We is h’investigating the disappearance of bodies from the local cemetery. And reports of a strange, suspicious looking person in the vicinity. So, keep your eyes peeled for anyone matching that description.
Cuffem Yes, sarge.
Dame Locket re-enters (SR) looking around the floor as if searching for something and is spotted by Cuffem.
Cuffem Don’t look now sarge, but I think I’ve found them.
Nickem Is they strange looking?
Cuffem They’re very strange looking, sarge.
Nickem Is they suspicious looking?
Cuffem They are very suspicious looking, sarge.
Nickem And where are they?
Cuffem They’re right behind you, sarge.
Nickem (turns) Good ‘hevning madam.
Dame Ida (looks up) Oh, hello!
Nickem I’m Sergeant Nickem and this is Constable Cuffem.
Dame Ida (to audience) I love these silly panto police names, don’t you? (preening) And what can I do for you two boys in blue?
Cuffem We believe that you’re the strange and suspicious-looking person we are looking for.
Dame Ida Do I look strange and suspicious to you?
Nickem Quite frankly madam…yes.
Dame Ida Cheek! If you must know, I’m the new landlady of The Wooden Stake Inn.
Nickem Then why was you sneaking about in a very suspicious manner?
Dame Ida I lost an earring earlier, and I’m looking for it. Ah, here it is. (picks up an earring)
Cuffem It seems she’s telling the truth, sarge.
Nickem Please accept our apologies madam.
Dame Ida I should think so too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go and water the beer…gonias! Bye now! (turns and exits SR)
Cuffem I’ve just had a thought, sarge.
Nickem Well don’t leave it in there on its own lad, it’ll get all lonely. Spit it out.
Cuffem My police exams are coming up, and I was wondering if you’d mind testing me with a few questions?
Nickem Certainly lad. Are you ready?
Cuffem Yes, sarge.
Nickem Right then. What would you do if somebody reported a lost budgie?
Cuffem I’d send for the flying squad.
Nickem And what if somebody left a restaurant without paying?
Cuffem I’d send for the bill.
Nickem If you were faced by a dangerous criminal, what steps would you take?
Cuffem Ruddy great big ones!
Nickem I think I’ve heard enough, constable.
Cuffem Did I do well sarge?
Nickem About as well as I expected, lad.
Baron Frankenstein enters (SR) sees Police Officers and quickly about turns.
Nickem (spots the Baron) Good ‘hevening Baron Frankenstein.
Baron (stops and turns) Good evening officers. I didn’t notice you there.
Nickem I don’t suppose you’ve seen any suspicious-looking persons on your travels, Baron?
Baron (suddenly wary) What kind of suspicious looking persons?
Cuffem Grave robbers.
Baron Grave robbers!?
Nickem Someone’s been stealing bodies from the local cemetery, and we’re hot on their trail.
Baron No, I haven’t seen anybody. (laughs) Any-body?
Cuffem It’s no laughing matter Baron.
Baron Sorry. I have a rather dark, sense of humour.
Nickem Well if you do see anything suspicious, be sure and let us know.
Baron I will, sergeant.
Nickem Come along Constable Cuffem. (leads them off SR)
Baron (to audience) Little do they know that it’s me who is behind the spate of bodysnatching. I’ve been using dead body parts to create a living creature, just like my father did. Unfortunately, the brain I used belonged to a famous escapologist and he escaped. And now I must recapture him and fit him with a different brain, before anybody discovers what I’ve been up to.
Music cue 4: Burke and Hare enter (SL)
Hare (to Baron) You wanted to see us Baron.
Baron Yes. I need another dead body, right away.
Hare No worries Baron. When you hire Burke and Hare, you’ve hired the best.
Burke We’re the Marks and Spencer’s of the body snatching world.
Hare (to Baron) Even though you only pay Aldi prices.
Baron I pay minimum wage!
Hare Well from now on we want paying a living wage.
Burke That’s right. Our motto is a living wage for a dead-end job.
Baron Very well. But you must be on your guard. The police are getting suspicious and are on the lookout for body snatchers.
Burke Do you think they’ll manage to catch them?
Baron Who?
Burke These body snatchers.
Hare We’re the body snatchers, you twit!
Burke Oh yeah, I forgot.
Baron How on earth can you forget what you do for a living?
Burke It’s because I’ve not been getting much sleep at night lately.
Hare That’s probably because we only work nights?
Burke That would explain it then.
Baron I want you to bring me the body of Professor Swinestein, who was laid to rest in the cemetery this morning.
Hare You can rely on us, Baron
Baron Don’t let me down now. (exits SL)
Burke What do you think the Baron’s been doing with all these dead bodies?
Hare Maybe he’s opening a Transylvanian branch of Bodyshop.
Burke Do you really think so?
Hare Don’t talk stupid! Now let’s go and collect the deceased.
Burke I’m not going anywhere near a body that’s diseased!
Hare I said deceased not diseased! Now come along.
They exit (SR) Van Helsing enters (SL) carrying a tool-bag.
Van Helsing (to audience) Greetings, citizens of Thereanbach. I am Doctor Ludwig Van Helsing, and I’m here to rid Transylvania of all its evil monsters. I’ve got wooden stakes for Dracula, silver bullets for the Werewolf and a socket set for Frankenstein’s monster. But I’m a bit worried in case any of them manages to sneak up on me. Will you warn me if you spot anything nasty, trying to sneak up on me? (response) Danke schoen. If you see anything horrible behind me, just shout monster at the top of your voices, okay? (response) Wunderbar! I’m just on my way to The Wooden Stake Inn, to investigate reports of a horrible-looking monster seen entering it, wearing ein big purple vig. Auf weidersehen! (exits SR)
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