The Town Of Thereanbach
Music cue 1: Chorus of Townsfolk. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)
Enter Boris, bounding on (SR)
BORIS: Hello everybody, I’m Boris Bogof! Welcome to the town of Thereanbach, in beautiful Transylvania, which is famous as the location for many old horror movies. This place used to be a tourist hotspot, but those days are long gone and as chief tourist officer, it’s my job to attract people in again. So, every time I come on I’ll shout, where d’ya wanna go? And you all shout, Thereanbach! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Where d’ya wanna go? I’m sure you can do better than that. (repeat business) That was much better!
Enter Dame Hilda (SL)
HILDA: (turns and calls) Hurry up slowcoaches!
BORIS: (spots Dame) Hello! It looks like they’re filming a remake of Bride of Dracula.
Enter Roger and Lucy (SL) carrying heavy suitcases.
ROGER: Did you have to pack so much stuff, mum?
HILDA: Only a man would ask such a stupid question.
LUCY: We are only here for a weekend break, mum.
HILDA: Actually, we’re staying a bit longer than that.
ROGER: How much longer?
HILDA: For good.
ROG & LUC: (shocked) What!?
HILDA: I’ve always fancied running a little country pub. And countries don’t come much littler than Transylvania. So, I’ve sold up everything back home and bought one here.
BORIS: Welcome to Transylvania, folks!
HILDA: Hello handsome. Could you direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn?
BORIS: I’m afraid that place was shut down years ago.
HILDA: And I’m re-opening it. I’m Dame Hilda Locket, the new owner.
LUCY: You’ve bought a pub in Transylvania called, The Wooden Stake Inn?
HILDA: That’s right.
ROGER: (to audience) I have a very bad feeling about this.
LUCY: What else have you been keeping from us, mum?
HILDA: Apart from the name of your father – nothing. (to Boris) This is my daughter Lucy and my son, Roger. And what’s your name young man?
HILDA: There’s no need to be rude!
BORIS: Bogof’s my name – Boris Bogof.
LUCY: (smitten) Pleased to meet you, Boris.
BORIS: (smitten) Likewise Lucy.
HILDA: So, whereabouts is The Wooden Stake Inn?
BORIS: (pointing SR) It’s about half a mile straight down that way.
SFX: Wolf howl.
LUCY: What was that?
HILDA: It sounded like a wolf!
ROGER: (scared) A werewolf!?
BORIS: There aren’t any werewolves in Transylvania.
ROGER: That’s all right then.
BORIS: Dracula scared them all away, ages ago.
ROGER: Dracula? Werewolves? It’s like being on the set of Twilight.
HILDA: My favourite Dracula actor, is Christopher Lee.
LUCY: Christopher who?
HILDA: Lee! He would hypnotise his victims with his bloodshot eyes, before biting their neck and bleeding them dry. A bit like…(current Chancellor)
ROGER: Vampires give me the collywobbles.
BORIS: You don’t really believe in vampires, do you?
HILDA: I certainly don’t.
LUCY: Neither do I?
ROGER: I like to keep an open mind.
HILDA: That would explain why your brains have fallen out.
LUCY: (to audience) Do you believe in vampires, boys and girls?
HILDA: Well, that was a bit inconclusive. Some do and some don’t.
BORIS: Leave it to me. (to audience) Listen up, folks. I’ll count to three, and everyone who believes in vampires shout stakes in! And those who don’t, shout stakes out! Ready? One…two…three…!
LUCY: Who won?
ROGER: I think it was stakes out, but I wouldn’t stake my life on it.
HILDA: Never mind all this vampire nonsense and let’s get going.
Lucy strains to lift her heavy suitcase.
BORIS: Would you like me to help you carry that big heavy old bag?
ROGER: I doubt all three of us could lift mum, never mind carry her.
HILDA: He meant, the suitcase! (to Boris) We’ll manage thanks.
LUCY: Bye, Boris. I hope to see you later.
BORIS: Likewise, Lucy.
Exit Dame, Roger and Lucy (SR)
BORIS: (to audience) That Lucy’s very pretty, isn’t she? I think I’ve fallen madly in love with her. (dances around singing) I’m in love! I’m in love! I’m in love!
Enter Mayor Klinkerhoffen and Ivan (SL)
BORIS: (stops in his tracks) Mayor Klinkerhoffen!
MAYOR: Why are you dancing about in a public place, Boris?
IVAN: He’s probably drunk unc.
BORIS: I never drink on duty!
IVAN: You must get very thirsty then.
BORIS: I meant, alcohol!
MAYOR: Never mind that, Ivan! I’m here to question Boris about the lack of tourists.
BORIS: Then you’ll be pleased to know, that I’ve just welcomed a whole family to Thereanbach, not five minutes ago.
IVAN: Are they staying at The Premier inn?
BORIS: No, that was burned down last week, by vigilantes looking for a werewolf.
MAYOR: You didn’t tell them that, did you?
BORIS: No, but it won’t make my job any easier, will it?
MAYOR: I want tourists Boris, not excuses.
BORIS: Don’t worry Mr Mayor, I’ll soon have them flooding in.
IVAN: What – excuses!?
BORIS: No, Mastermind! Tourists!
MAYOR: You’d better had, Boris.
BORIS: I’m buzzing with loads of ideas.
IVAN: Such as?
BORIS: Well, they’re only embryonic at the moment.
MAYOR: Then you’d better grow a few to full term quickly.
IVAN: Otherwise, your job will be on the line.
BORIS: Says you, who only got the job as town clerk, due to nepotism.
IVAN: That’s just were you’re wrong, see? I got it due to my uncle being the Mayor.
MAYOR: Be quiet, Ivan! You have one week to start getting tourists in Boris. Come along Ivan.
Exit Mayor and Ivan (SL)
BORIS: I must find a way to draw tourists in, quick. I know! I’ll organise an annual monster ball. Whitby pulls in loads of tourists with Dracula tours, and Transylvania is world famous for being the home of hideous monsters. And now that Dame Locket’s arrived, we can add one more to the list. I’m just glad that Lucy doesn’t take after her. See you later folks! (exits SR)
Enter Frankenstein’s Monster (SL) with arms outstretched. It spots audience and goes downstage, moaning.
BARON: (shouts off) Frankie!
Monster stops, shrieks and exits (SR)
Enter Baron Frankenstein (SL)
BARON: Frankie! Where are you? (to audience) Hello there! I’m Baron Frankenstein, and I’m searching for Frankie. He’s about so tall…(indicates height)…has green skin and a big metal bolt through his neck. You haven’t seen him, have you? You have! Which way did he go? Thank you! (exits SR)
Music cue 2: Enter Nickem and Cuffem (SL)
NICKEM: Here we are again.
CUFFEM: Here we are again.
NICKEM: Patrolling Thereanbach.
CUFFEM: Patrolling Thereanbach.
NICKEM: (cupping an ear) I can hear an echo!
CUFFEM: (cupping an ear) I can hear an echo!
NICKEM: (realises it’s Nickem) You’re repeating everything I say!
CUFFEM: You’re repeating everything I say!
NICKEM: No, you’re repeating everything I say!
CUFFEM: No, you’re repeating everything I say!
NICKEM: Stop it! (whacks him with his truncheon)
CUFFEM: But sarge! When we was first partnered up, you told me to copy everything you did.
NICKEM: I meant copy my policing style! Not repeat everything I say!
CUFFEM: Sorry, sarge.
NICKEM: Now, you know why we is here, don’t you?
CUFFEM: (clueless) Erm…to escort some little old ladies across a busy road?
NICKEM: No! We is h’investigating the disappearance of bodies from the local cemetery.
CUFFEM: Why would anybody nick dead bodies, sarge?
NICKEM: Maybe they’re necromancers.
CUFFEM: I don’t think necking dead bodies is the least bit romantic, sarge.
NICKEM: Just keep your eyes peeled for any strange and suspicious looking people.
CUFFEM: Yes, sarge.
Enter Dame Hilda (SR) scouring the floor as though looking for something. Cuffem spots her, but Nickem doesn’t.
(spots her) Don’t look now sarge, but I think I might’ve found them.
NICKEM: Is they strange looking?
CUFFEM: They is very strange looking, sarge.
NICKEM: Is they suspicious looking?
CUFFEM: They is very suspicious looking, sarge.
NICKEM: Where are they?
CUFFEM: They’re right behind you, sarge.
NICKEM: What!? (turns) Good ‘hevening madam.
HILDA: (looks up) Oh, hello!
NICKEM: I’m Sergeant Nickem and this is Constable Cuffem.
HILDA: (to audience) I love these panto police names, don’t you? (preening) What can I do for you two boys in blue?
CUFFEM: We’re looking for a strange and suspicious looking person.
HILDA: Do I look strange and suspicious to you?
NICKEM: Quite frankly madam – yes.
HILDA: Cheek! If you must know, I’m the new landlady of The Wooden Stake Inn.
NICKEM: Then why was you sneaking about in a very suspicious manner?
HILDA: I lost an earring earlier, and I’m looking for it. Here it is! (picks up an earring)
CUFFEM: It seems she’s telling the truth, sarge.
NICKEM: Please accept our apologies madam.
HILDA: I should think so too. Anyway, it’s nice to see they have police on the beat here. Where I come from, the cops just race around in fast cars.
CUFFEM: So do we. But last night somebody stole the tyres of our police car.
HILDA: Never mind, I’m sure you’ll work tirelessly to capture them.
NICKEM: We’re also on the lookout for a homicidal chiropractor.
CUFFEM: And we’re asking the public to watch their backs.
HILDA: That makes sense.
NICKEM: There’s also been another gruesome murder by the man nicknamed ‘the knitting needles killer’.
HILDA: That sounds terrible. Do you have any idea who it could be?
CUFFEM: No, but we think he’s working to a pattern.
NICKEM: We thought we had a suspect, but they were just spinning us a yarn
HILDA: Thanks for the warning. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I must get back and water my beer…gonias! Goodbye! (exits SR)
CUFFEM: I’ve just had a thought, sarge.
NICKEM: Well don’t leave it in there on its own lad, it’ll get all lonely like. Spit it out.
CUFFEM: My police exams are coming up, and I was wondering if you’d mind testing me with a few questions?
NICKEM: Certainly lad. Are you ready?
CUFFEM: Yes, sarge.
NICKEM: What would you do if somebody reported a lost budgie?
CUFFEM: Send for the flying squad?
NICKEM: And what if it was a dog?
CUFFEM: I’d check for any leads.
NICKEM: What if a diner left a restaurant without paying?
CUFFEM: I’d send for the bill.
NICKEM: Do you know why riot police always get up early?
CUFFEM: To beat the crowds?
NICKEM: And finally. If you were faced by a dangerous madman, what steps would you take?
CUFFEM: Ruddy great big ones!
NICKEM: I think I’ve heard enough, constable.
CUFFEM: How did I do, sarge?
NICKEM: About as well as I expected, lad.
Enter Baron Frankenstein (SR) sees Officers and quickly about turns.
NICKEM: (spots him) Good ‘hevening Baron Frankenstein!
BARON: (stops and turns) Good evening officers. I didn’t notice you there.
NICKEM: Have you seen any suspicious looking persons on your travels, Baron?
BARON: (wary) What kind of suspicious looking persons?
CUFFEM: Grave robbers.
BARON: (mock shock) Grave robbers?
NICKEM: Somebody’s been stealing bodies from the cemetery, and we’re on their trail.
BARON: No, I haven’t seen anybody. (laughs) Any-body?
CUFFEM: This is no laughing matter, Baron!
BARON: Forgive me, officer. I have a rather dark, sense of humour.
NICKEM: Well, if you do happen to see anything suspicious, be sure and let us know.
BARON: I will, sergeant.
NICKEM: Come along Cuffem.
Exit Nickem and Cuffem (SR)
BARON: Little do they know that I’m behind the spate of bodysnatching. I’ve been using dead body parts to create a living creature, just like my father did. Unfortunately, the brain I used belonged to a famous escapologist and my creature escaped. And now I must recapture him and fit him with a different brain before anybody discovers what I’ve been up to.
Music cue 3: Enter Burke and Hare (SL)
HARE: You wanted to see us Baron?
BARON: I need another dead body, right away.
HARE: No worries Baron. When you hire Burke and Hare, you’ve hired the best.
BURKE: We’re the Marks and Spencer’s of the body snatching world.
HARE: Even though you only pay Aldi prices.
BARON: I pay minimum wage!
HARE: Well, from now on we want paying a living wage.
BURKE: That’s right. Our motto is, a living wage for a dead-end job.
BARON: All right but be careful. The police are on the lookout for body snatchers.
BURKE: Do you think they’ll manage to catch them?
BURKE: These body snatchers.
HARE: We’re the body snatchers, you idiot!
BURKE: Oh yeah, I forgot.
BARON: How can you forget what you do for a living?
BURKE: I’ve not been getting much sleep at night.
HARE: That’s probably because we only work nights?
BURKE: That would explain it then.
BARON: I want you to bring me the body of Professor Swinestein, who was laid to rest in the cemetery this morning.
HARE: You can rely on us Baron
BARON: Bring the body to my castle, tonight. (exits SL)
BURKE: What do you think the Baron’s doing with all these dead bodies?
HARE: Maybe he’s opening a Transylvanian branch of Bodyshop.
BURKE: Do you really think so?
HARE: Don’t talk stupid! Now, let’s go and collect the deceased.
BURKE: I’m not going anywhere near a body that’s diseased!
HARE: I said deceased not diseased! Now come along!
Exit Burke and Hare (SR)
Enter Dr Van Helsing (SL) carrying a tool-bag.
DR HELSING: Greetings! I’m Dr Ludwig Van Helsing, and I’m here to rid Transylvania of all its evil monsters. I’ve got wooden stakes for Dracula. Silver bullets for the Werewolf, and a socket set for Frankenstein’s monster. I’m just on my way to The Wooden Stake Inn, to investigate reports of a horrible monster seen entering it, wearing ein purple vig. Auf weidersehen! (exits SR)