Dracula The Panto

Scene Six

A Street In Old London

Enter a Woman (SL) carrying a tray of white heather.

Woman Lucky White heather! Who will buy my lucky white heather? (lights dim) It’s getting dark. I’d better go home, now. It’s not safe to be out alone at night. (exits SR)

Enter a figure dressed in a top-hat and cape (SL) wearing a mask and clutching a cricket bat at a run, who follows her off (SR)

Woman (off) No! Stay away from me! (screams) Aaaah!

SFX: Loud whack sound.

The caped figure runs back on (SR) and exits (SL)

Enter Duffy (SR) helping on the stricken Woman. She has her vampire-vanquisher slung over her back and a string of garlic around her neck.

Duffy (calls out) Is there a doctor in the house?

Enter Dr Bearer (SL) carrying a Doctor’s bag and wearing a top hat and cape.

Dr Bearer What seems to be the trouble, Duffy?

Duffy Dr Bearer! I was out hunting vampires as usual. When I found this poor woman, who seems to have been attacked.

Dr Bearer Why waste your time hunting something that doesn’t exist, Duffy?

Duffy Of course vampires exist, Dr Bearer.

Dr Bearer And have you ever seen one?

Duffy No, but I can smell their evil stench.

Dr Bearer (wafting) Sorry, that’s me. I had curried eggs for tea. (examines Woman) This woman appears to have been attacked by a bat.

Duffy A vampire bat?

Dr Bearer No, a cricket bat. A Gunn and Moore Hero Original Limited Edition 5, to be exact.

Duffy How can you be so precise?

Dr Bearer Its name has been left imprinted on her forehead, by the force of the blow. See?

Duffy Are you sure it wasn’t a vampire, Doctor?

Dr Bearer I am a man of science Duffy, not superstition.

Duffy Then what caused those two puncture marks on her neck?

Dr Bearer Probably a couple of splinters from the bat.

Woman (coming too) What ‘it me?

Duffy & Dr (in unison) A vampire! A cricket bat!

Woman A vampire cricket bat! Cor, strike a light!

Dr Bearer I’ll take you home my dear. Where do you live?

Old Woman I ain’t got no ‘ome, sir. I was evicted this morning by my landlord, Major Artery

Dr Bearer How dreadful for you! In that case, I’ll take you to the nearest hospital.

Woman Thank ‘ee kindly sir.

Exit Dr Bearer with the Woman (SL)

Duffy (to audience) Dr Bearer can believe what he likes. But a vampire’s at large in London, and the news must be spread quickly. (exits SL)

Blackout – cloth/tabs out – lights up.

Scene Two

Dame Plasma’s Home

Music cue 1: Rats. After song ends…

Enter Dame Plasma (SL) carrying a shopping bag.

Plasma Rats! (grabs a sweeping brush) Clear off you vermin! (shoos them off) I’m going to need bigger mousetraps. (to audience) Hello everybody! My name’s Dame Plasma Van Helsing, and this is my humble home. Although for how much longer, I don’t know. I’m so poor I can’t afford the rent, and the landlord’s threatening to evict me. (elicit sympathy) I’ve just come back from the butchers. I told him I wanted a cheap bird that would stretch for a couple of days, and he sold me a rubber chicken. (takes rubber chicken from bag) I’ve been a single parent, ever since my husband Professor Van Helsing disappeared whilst out hunting vampires, leaving me a penniless destitute. (picks on person in audience) I said destitute, cloth ears!

Enter Duffy at a run (SR)

Duffy Mother! I have something important to tell you!

Plasma (to audience) This is my beautiful daughter, Duffy. (preens) You can tell where she gets her good looks from, can’t you? Who said no? (to Duffy) What is it dear?

Duffy There’s been a wicked attack on some poor woman, and I believe it was a vampire.

Plasma Don’t talk daft, Duffy. Everybody knows that vampires don’t really exist.

Duffy Yes, they do! Father spent his life hunting vampires, and I’m following in his footsteps.

Plasma That’s no career for a young girl. Why don’t you get a nice steady bank job instead?

Duffy I want to hunt bloodsuckers, not work for them.

Plasma It’s not normal walking the streets at night, armed to the teeth and reeking of garlic.

Duffy I was born to be a vampire slayer, mother. It’s my calling in life.

Plasma Obsession, more like. And what’s that funny-looking thing on your back?

Duffy It’s my vampire-vanquisher, and it drives those bloodsuckers batty.

Plasma Speaking of bloodsuckers. Did you buy that tarantula from the pet shop, like I asked?

Duffy Yes, but I can’t imagine what you want with a large hairy spider.

Plasma I’m going to cross it with a chicken, and that way everybody gets a drumstick. The hard part will be trying to catch it. Oh, if only we weren’t so poor, Duffy.

Duffy Cheer up mother. One day I’ll track a vampire to his lair and slay him, and then all our money worries will be over.

Plasma How so?

Duffy Father said that all vampires have a hoard of treasure, looted from their victims.

Plasma Sounds more like…(current Chancellor of the Exchequer)…to me.

SFX: Door knocks.

Duffy Come in!

Enter Fred Corpuscle.

Fred Good evening. My name’s, Fred Corpuscle.

Plasma What can we do for you Mr Corporal?

Fred Your landlord, Major Artery, has sent me round to collect your rent or evict you.

Duffy On what grounds?

Fred On the grounds that you’ve never paid any rent.

Plasma Excuse us a moment. (takes Duffy aside) Listen, Duffy. No man can resist my delicate charms. Once he’s succumbed to my womanly wiles, he’ll let us off paying.

Duffy (shocked) Mother! What about morals?

Plasma I’m hoping he doesn’t have any.

Fred Do you have the rent money?

Plasma No, but may I say how handsome you look, Mr Popsicle.

Fred Er…thanks?

Plasma Would you like to see my scratchings?

Fred Don’t you mean, etchings?

Plasma No, I’ve got a rash on my chest and it itches something terrible.

Fred Have you tried rubbing some cream on it?

Plasma No, but you can do it for me. Come to mama! (pulls him to her bosom)

Fred Mummmph! (frees himself) Desist madam, please!

Plasma (takes Duffy aside) I don’t understand it, Duffy. That tactic’s always worked before.

Duffy We obviously need somebody younger and more attractive, mum.

Plasma You’re right Duffy. I’ll try it again with a blond wig.

Duffy No mother, I’ll do it. (to Fred) Mr Capsule. I can’t believe that somebody as kind and sweet-looking, as you. Would throw a poor old washerwoman out of her home.

Plasma (snaps) I’m not old, and I don’t wash! For a living I mean.

Duffy (to Fred) Not to mention her single daughter, who is looking for a husband about your age and height. With looks, very much like yours. Tell me, are you married?

Fred No, I’m still single.

Duffy I just want to touch somebody’s heart, Fred. (seductively) Can I touch yours?

Fred Gosh! All my life I’ve dreamt of a moment like this.

Duffy Me too Fred. Now, about the rent?

Fred I suppose I could let you have an extension.

Plasma I don’t want a flaming conservatory!

Fred I can give you one more week, but that’s all.

SFX: Door knocks.

Plasma Come in!

Enter Major Artery, wearing a cape and a top hat.

Major. A (to Fred) Well? Did you manage to collect her rent?

Fred No, Major Artery.

Major. A And why not?

Plasma Because I’m skint! Anyway, I don’t know how you’ve got the cheek to charge rent for this hovel.

Major. A It’s not a hovel! It just needs brightening up a bit.

Plasma I can’t afford lightbulbs.

Fred Why don’t you go brighten it up by buying some little knick-knacks?

Plasma I can’t afford underwear either.

Duffy Too much information, mother.

Plasma I’m that poor, we’ve been living on nothing but baked beans for weeks.

Fred I thought that smell was the drains.

Plasma I can’t remember the last time I had a nice juicy steak.

Major. A (recoils in fear) Don’t say that meat word!

Duffy You mean, steak?

Dracula (covers his ears) Yes! I hate it!

Plasma He’s probably one of them vegantarians.

Major. A If you can’t pay your rent, then I’ll evict you.

Plasma (overacting) Oh, please don’t evict us! I couldn’t bear having to walk the streets again. Give me more time, for pities sake! (to audience) This is the most dramatic and heart-rending scene in the whole show. It’ll be a travesty if I don’t win a Bafta. (resumes) Have mercy on a poor distraught widow woman, I beg you!

Major. A Very well, I’m not heartless. You may have more time.

Plasma I knew you weren’t a despicable cold-hearted beast. Despite what everybody says.

Major. A You may evict them now, Fred.

Duffy But I thought you were giving mum more time to pay!

Major. A I just did.

Plasma I must’ve blinked and missed it.

Major. A Ten seconds is plenty of time to write out a cheque.

Fred I can’t evict them, Major.

Major. A Why not?

Fred Because I’ve just given them a week’s extension.

Major. A (furious) No, no, no, no, no! (runs around stage flapping his cape)

Plasma Calm down, before you take off!

Major. A A soft-hearted bailiff is as useless as a chocolate teapot. Fred Corpuscle, you’re fired!

Fred Yes, sir.. (exits sadly SL)

Major. A I’ll be back in seven days. And if you don’t pay up, then out you go! (exits SL)

Duffy What can we do now, mum?

Plasma He’s bluffing, Duffy. He won’t evict me.

Duffy Why won’t he?

Plasma Because I know he fancies deep down.

Duffy It must be very deep down.

Plasma I know how men work, Duffy. Although I’ll admit I haven’t looked at a manual recently.

Duffy I’m off to continue hunting vampires, mother.

Plasma But it’s dark out there, Duffy. Can’t you wait until it’s light?

Duffy No, mum. Vampires only come out at night. Don’t wait up. (turns and exits SL)

Plasma I hate the thought of her walking the streets at night. But at least I know there aren’t any real vampires around, to cause her any harm. Is there? Oh no, there isn’t! I don’t believe you. But maybe I’ll sleep with a garland of garlic, just in case. (exits SR)