Dracula The Panto

Scene Six

A London Side Street

Enter a Woman (SL) carrying a tray of heather.

WOMAN: Lucky heather! Who will buy my lucky heather? (lights dim) It’s getting dark, I’d better go home. It’s not safe being out alone at night. (exits SR)

Enter a figure dressed in a top-hat and cape (SL) wearing a mask and clutching a cricket bat at a run, who follows her off (SR)

Enter Duffy (SL) Her vampire-vanquisher is slung over her back.

DUFFY: Hello boys and girls! I’m Duffy the Vampire slayer and I’m out hunting vampires as usual. Ever since my father disappeared whilst hunting them, I’ve dedicated my life to tracking down those bloodsuckers.

WOMAN: (off) No! Stay away from me! (screams) Aaaah!

DUFFY: Someone’s in trouble! (exits at a run SR)

SFX: Loud whack sound.

The caped figure runs back on (SR) and exits (SL)

Enter Duffy (SR) dragging on the stricken Woman.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Enter Dr Bearer (SL) at a run wearing a top hat and cape.

DOCTOR: What seems to be the matter?

DUFFY: Who are you?

DOCTOR: I’m Dr Bearer. Dr Paul Bearer.

DUFFY: This poor woman appears to have been attacked by a vampire.

DOCTOR: Nonsense, Miss. Vampires don’t exist.

DUFFY: They do exist, and I hunt them every night! I’m Duffy Van Helsing!

DOCTOR: And have you ever actually seen a vampire?

DUFFY: No, but I can smell their foul stench.

DOCTOR: (wafting) Sorry, that’s me. I had curried eggs for tea. (examines Woman) This woman has been attacked by a bat.

DUFFY: A vampire bat?

DOCTOR: No, a cricket bat. A Gunn and Moore Hero Original Limited Edition 5 to be exact.

DUFFY: How can you be so precise, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Its name has been left imprinted on her forehead.

DUFFY: Are you sure it wasn’t a vampire, Doctor?

DOCTOR: I’m a man of science Duffy – not superstition.

DUFFY: Then what are those bloody marks on her neck?

DOCTOR: They look like hickeys to me.

WOMAN: (coming too) What ‘it me?

DUFF & DR: (in unison) A vampire! A cricket bat!

WOMAN: A vampire cricket bat! Cor, strike a light!

DUFFY: How do you feel now?

WOMAN: I still feel a bit woozy.

DOCTOR: Then I’ll take you to my surgery and give you a quick check over.

WOMAN: Thank ‘ee kindly sir.

DOCTOR: Perhaps you should think about getting home too Duffy, for your own safety.

Exit Dr Bearer with the Woman (SL)

DUFFY: Dr Bearer can believe what he likes. But a vampire’s at large in London, and the stakes have just been raised! (exits SL)

Blackout – cloth/tabs out – lights up.

Scene Two

Dame Plasma’s Home

Music cue 1: Rats. After song ends…

Enter Dame Plasma (SL) carrying a shopping bag.

PLASMA: Rats! (shoos them off) Clear off you vermin! I’m going to need bigger traps. (to audience) Hello everybody! I’m Dame Plasma Van Helsing, and this is my home. Although probably not for much longer. I can’t afford the rent, and the landlord’s threatening to evict me. (elicit sympathy) I’ve just spent my last bit of money at the butchers. I said I wanted a cheap bird that would stretch for a couple of days, and he sold me a rubber chicken. (takes rubber chicken from bag) I’ve been a single parent, ever since my husband, Morris Van Helsing disappeared whilst hunting vampires. I don’t believe in them myself – do you?

Enter Duffy at a run (SR)

DUFFY: Mother! I have something important to tell you!

PLASMA: (to audience) This is my daughter, Duffy. You can tell where she gets her good looks from, can’t you? Who said no? What is it Duffy?

DUFFY: Some poor woman’s been attacked, and I believe it was a vampire.

PLASMA: Don’t talk daft, Duffy. Vampires aren’t real.

DUFFY: Then why did father spend his life hunting them?

PLASMA: Everybody needs a hobby, dear.

DUFFY: It’s a full-time job for me, mother.

PLASMA: Why don’t you get a nice steady bank job instead?

DUFFY: I want to hunt bloodsuckers’ mother, not work for them.

PLASMA: But walking the streets at night armed to the teeth and reeking of garlic, isn’t normal, Dufffy.

DUFFY: I was born to be a vampire slayer mother – it’s my calling in life.

PLASMA: Obsession, more like. And what’s that funny-looking thing on your back?

DUFFY: It’s my vampire-vanquisher, and it drives those bloodsuckers batty.

PLASMA: Speaking of bloodsuckers. Did you buy that tarantula from the pet shop, like I asked?

DUFFY: Yes, but I can’t imagine what you want with a large hairy spider.

PLASMA: I’m going to cross it with a chicken, and that way everybody gets a drumstick.

DUFFY: Good luck trying to catch a chicken with eight legs.

PLASMA: If only we weren’t so poor, Duffy.

DUFFY: Cheer up mother. One day I’ll track a vampire to its lair and slay it, and then our money worries will be over.

PLASMA: How so?

DUFFY: Father said all vampires have a hoard of treasure, looted from their victims.

PLASMA: Are you sure he wasn’t talking about the chancellor of the exchequer?

SFX: Door knocks.

DUFFY: I’ll just see who that is. (opens door)

Enter Fred Corpuscle.

FRED: Good evening. I’m, Fred Corpuscle.

PLASMA: What can we do for you Mr Corporal?

FRED: Your landlord, Major Artery, has sent me to collect your rent or evict you.

DUFFY: On what grounds?

FRED: On the grounds that you’ve never paid any rent.

PLASMA: (takes Duffy aside) Listen Duffy. No man can resist my delicate charms. Once he’s succumbed to my womanly wiles, he’ll let us off paying.

DUFFY: (shocked) Mother! What about morals?

PLASMA: I’m hoping he doesn’t have any. (turns) May I say how handsome you look, Mr Capsule.

FRED: Er…thanks?

PLASMA: Would you like to see my scratchings?

FRED: Don’t you mean, etchings?

PLASMA: No, I’ve got a nasty rash on my chest and it itches something terrible.

FRED: Have you tried rubbing some cream on it?

PLASMA: I love an adventurous man! Come to mama! (pulls him to her bosom)

FRED: Mummmph! (frees himself) Desist madam –please!

PLASMA: (aside to Duffy) I don’t understand it. That tactic’s always worked before.

DUFFY: When!? It obviously needs somebody younger and more attractive.

PLASMA: You’re right, Duffy. I’ll try it again with a blond wig.

DUFFY: I meant me! (to Fred) I can’t believe that someone as handsome and kind-looking as you, would throw a poor old washerwoman out of her home.

PLASMA: (snaps) I’m not old, and I don’t wash! For a living I mean.

DUFFY: Tell me Fred, are you married?

FRED: No, I’m still single. I don’t have much luck with girls. (elicit sympathy)

DUFFY: I’m also single, Fred. Perhaps we could…?

FRED: What are you suggesting?

PLASMA: Maybe you should draw him a diagram, Duffy.

DUFFY: I just want to touch somebody’s heart, Fred. (places a hand on his chest) Can I touch yours?

FRED: Gosh! All my life I’ve dreamt of a moment like this.

DUFFY: Me too Fred. Now, about the rent?

FRED: I suppose I could let you have an extension.

PLASMA: We don’t want a flaming conservatory!

DUFFY: We just need a bit more time, Fred.

FRED: I can give you seven more days, but that’s all.

PLASMA: Couldn’t you give us a week instead?

SFX: Door knocks.

DUFFY: Who is it now? (opens door)

Enter Dracula, wearing a cape and a top hat.

DRACULA: Well Fred? Did you manage to collect their rent?

FRED: No, Major Artery.

DRACULA: And why not?

PLASMA: Because I’m skint – that’s why!

DUFFY: I don’t know how you can charge rent for this dingy hovel.

DRACULA: It isn’t a dingy hovel! It just needs brightening up a bit.

PLASMA: I can’t afford stronger lightbulbs.

FRED: Why don’t you buy some colourful knick-knacks?

PLASMA: My underwear is none of your business.

DUFFY: We’re that poor, we’ve been living on nothing but baked beans for weeks.

FRED: I wondered what that funny smell was.

PLASMA: I can’t remember the last time I had a nice big juicy steak.

DRACULA: (recoils in fear) Don’t say that word!

PLASMA: Juicy?

DRACULA: No, the other one!

DUFFY: Steak!?

DRACULA: (covers his ears) Yes! I hate it!

PLASMA: He must be a Vulcan, Duffy.

DUFFY: You mean vegan, mum?

DRACULA: I’m not a Vulcan vegan! If you can’t pay your rent, then out you go!

PLASMA: (overacting) Oh, please don’t evict us! I couldn’t bear having to walk the streets again. Give me more time, for pities sake! (to audience) This is the most dramatic and heart-rending scene in the whole show. It’ll be a travesty if I don’t win a Bafta. (resumes) I beg of you! Have mercy on a poor distraught woman, who is probably a widow!

DRACULA: Very well, I’m not heartless. You can have more time.

PLASMA: I knew you weren’t a despicable cold-hearted beast. Despite what everybody says.

DRACULA: You may evict them now, Fred.

DUFFY: But I thought you were giving us more time to pay!

DRACULA: Ten seconds is plenty of time to get your money out.

FRED: I’m afraid I can’t evict them, Major.

DRACULA: Why not?

FRED: I said they could have an extension.

DRACULA: You did what!?

FRED: I gave them another seven days to pay.

DRACULA: (furious) No, no, no, no, no! (runs around stage flapping his cape)

PLASMA: Calm down, before you take off!

DRACULA: A soft-hearted bailiff is about as useful as a chocolate teapot! (pointing) Fred Corpuscle – you’re fired!

FRED: You’re sacking me?

DRACULA: Yes!

FRED: I suppose I’d better be off then. (exits sadly SL)

DUFFY: It seems he is a despicable cold-hearted beast after all, mum.

DRACULA: I’ll return in seven days. If you don’t pay up, then out you go! (exits SL)

DUFFY: What can we do now, mum?

PLASMA: He’s bluffing, Duffy. Deep down, I know he fancies me really.

DUFFY: You could’ve fooled me.

PLASMA: I know how men work.

DUFFY: When was the last time you looked at a manual?

PLASMA: It’s like riding a bike, Duffy. You never forget.

DUFFY: I’m off to continue hunting vampires, mother.

PLASMA: But it’s dark out there! Can’t you wait until it’s light?

DUFFY: Vampires only come out at night mother. Don’t wait up! (exits SL)

PLASMA: I hate the thought of her walking the streets at night. But at least I know there aren’t any real vampires around, to cause her harm. I’m off to get some beauty sleep – even though I’m pretty gorgeous as it is. (exits SR)