Scene Six
Dr Bearer’s Surgery
Dr Bearer is sitting at a desk and nearby is an eye-chart, which looks normal apart from the fact that all the letters are l.
Dr Bearer Next!
Patient 1 runs on (SL)
Patient 1 Doctor, doctor! I’ve just swallowed a roll of film, what shall I do?
Dr Bearer Lie down in a dark room and see what develops.
Patient 1 exits (SR)
Dr Bearer (shouts) Next!
Patient 2 runs on (SL)
Patient 2 Doctor, doctor! I need something to stop me sleepwalking!
Dr Bearer (handing over a box of drawing pins) Take these.
Patient 2 (takes the box) Drawing pins! What am I supposed to do with these?
Dr Bearer Sprinkle them on the floor around your bed.
Patient 2 exits (SR)
Dr Bearer Next!
Patient 3 runs on (SL)
Patient 3 Doctor, doctor! Everybody keeps ignoring me!
Dr Bearer Next!
Patient 3 exits (SR) The three Andrex Sisters enter (SR) dressed in army uniforms.
Andrex. Sis (in unison) Good evening Dr Bearer!
Dr Bearer The Andrex Sisters! And what can I do for you three?
Andrex. Sis (sing) Oh Doctor, we’re in trouble! (from the film ‘The Millionairess’)
Dr Bearer (sings) Well goodness gracious me!
Andrex. Sis (to the tune of Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy) We met a bugle boy. And had some revelry. And now he’s disappeared leaving my sisters and me.
Dr Bearer Tell me all about it, right from the beginning.
Music cue 8: Andrex Sisters. After song ends…
Sister What do you suggest Doctor?
Dr Bearer I suggest you get it all down on record.
Andrex. Sis (in unison) Yes, Doctor. (all exit SL)
Dr Bearer (shouts) Next!
Rema enters (SR) looking flustered.
Dr Bearer Miss, Globin! Whatever’s the matter?
Rema I’m feeling rather strange, Doctor.
Dr Bearer What are your symptoms?
Rema (sings song from Grease) I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying. And I’m losing control.
Dr Bearer I see. Anything else?
Rema (sings – Abracadabra by The Steve Miller Band) I heat up, I can’t cool down. My head is spinning, round and round.
Dr Bearer Look at that chart on the wall. (she does so) Now cover your right eye, and read off what you can see.
Rema (reads) I…I…I…I…I
Dr Bearer (stops her) That’ll do.
Rema Do you know what it is, Doctor?
Dr Bearer Yes. It’s my eye chart. (stands and goes to her) I think I’d better check your chest.
Rema (pushing her chest out) I’m ready, Doctor.
Dr Bearer (examining her with his stethoscope) Goodness me! Your heart has just skipped a beat! I think a full examination is called for.
Rema Whatever you say, Doctor.
Dr Bearer (examining her) There’s nothing wrong with your beautiful eyes. Your ears your legs, or your silky thighs. (feeling her forehead) I can’t think why you’re exuding such heat. Perhaps you ought to take a seat?
Rema I don’t think I could swallow that, Doctor. Not even with a glass of water.
Dr Bearer I’d better consult my medical book. (picks up a book and flicks to a page) Ah, here it is. It appears you have a nasty case of aortic confabulations, with a touch of acid-reflux and fiery contractions of the ventricle chamber.
Rema What does it all mean Doctor?
Dr Bearer You have heartburn.
Rema (crestfallen) Can I have a second opinion?
Dr Bearer Of course. Come back tomorrow and I’ll give you one.
Rema Oh, thank you Doctor. (sighs and exits SL)
Dame Plasma enters (SR)
Dr Bearer Dame Van Helsing! I haven’t seen you in ages!
Plasma I know Doctor, I’ve been ill.
Dr Bearer What seems to be the trouble?
Plasma I banged my head and I think I might’ve cut it.
Dr Bearer I’m very concerned.
Plasma Are you?
Dr Bearer Yes, you might bleed all over my nice clean floor. Go and ooze outside.
Plasma (wavers) Ooooh! I feel as though I’m about to peg out.
Dr Bearer Washing?
Plasma No you fool! I’m a goner! It feels like I only have fifty-nine seconds to live!
Dr Bearer Hold on a minute, while I find my stethoscope.
Plasma I’m fading fast Doctor!
Dr Bearer I can see that you’re not all there.
Plasma (gasps) I’m going! I’m going!
Dr Bearer Well shut the door on your way out.
Plasma Do something Doctor!
Dr Bearer (places his Stethoscope on her chest) Big breaths.
Plasma Yes, and I’ve had them ever since I was sixteen.
Dr Bearer I’m going to have to operate. But first I must ask you a few questions.
Plasma Hurry up then!
Dr Bearer (produces a pen and pad to take notes) What was your father’s occupation?
Plasma He was a magician.
Dr Bearer Is he still around?
Plasma No. As soon as I was born, he disappeared. But his favourite trick was sawing people in half
Dr Bearer Do you have any siblings?
Plasma One half-brother and two half-sisters.
Dr Bearer And when were you born?
Plasma I don’t remember, I was only a baby at the time
Dr Bearer Ooh! I’ve got cramp in my hand. (switches hands to write)
Plasma I notice that you can write with either hand, Doctor.
Dr Bearer Yes, I’m ambidextrous.
Plasma I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Dr Bearer (hands her the clipboard) Would you mind signing this?
Plasma (suspiciously) What for?Dr BearerIt’s just a formality, in case something goes drastically wrong.
Plasma (exclaims) Goes wrong!?
Dr Bearer Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. (searching his desk) You didn’t happen to notice a big book called, Operating For Beginners in the waiting-room, did you?
Plasma No, Doctor.
Dr Bearer Never mind, I think I can remember most of it. Now, if you wouldn’t mind walking this way. (starts to exit SR walking in a ridiculous manner)
Plasma Look I know this is panto, but that’s the oldest gag in the book.
Dr Bearer If you think that gag’s old, then just wait until later. (exits SR followed by Plasma)
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