SCENE ONE
OLD LONDON TOWN
Fitzwarren’s shop is [USL] Music Cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Jack [SL]
JACK: Hiya, boys and girls, my name’s Jack! I work in Alderman Fitzwarren’s shop, and I’m madly in love with his daughter, Alice. I once asked her if she’d go out with me, and she replied, ‘when pigs fly, Jack’. Now I’m just waiting for genetic engineering to catch up. I like taking sneaky naps in the shop stockroom, but when I’m asleep I usually snore and I’m afraid of getting caught. If you hear me snoring, will you all shout, ‘wake up, Jack’, and then I’ll wake up and won’t get caught. And whenever I come on, I’ll shout, ‘wakey-wakey’, to wake any of you who’ve fallen asleep. [yawns] I’m off for a nap right now. See you all later. [exits into shop]
Enter Alice from the shop.
ALICE: Hello, everybody, and welcome to London town. I’m Alice Fitzwarren, and you’ve picked a lovely day to drop by. The sun is shining and everybody is happy, despite the ongoing rat problem. Father is just inside his shop, finalising a cargo of jellied eels ready to deliver to the Sultan of Morocco. It seems he developed a taste for them after visiting London last year.
Enter Alderman Fitzwarren from the shop.
FITZWARREN: Good morning, Alice!
ALICE: Good morning, Father. Is everything ready for tomorrow’s sea voyage?
FITZWARREN: I’m afraid not, Alice.
ALICE: How come?
FITZWARREN: I’ve had no replies to my advert for sailors to crew my ship.
ALICE: That’s strange; London Docks are usually full of sailors looking to get off.
FITZWARREN: If we don’t have a crew by tomorrow, I’ll have to cancel our trip.
ALICE: But you said this trip was make or break for Fitzwarren’s Stores, Father.
FITZWARREN: It is, Alice. The Sultan’s order will make up for what the rats have cost me in lost stock. I only wish we could get rid of them for good.
ALICE: Why don’t you ask Jack to buy stronger rat poison?
FITZWARREN: I would if I could find him.
ALICE: Have you checked in the stockroom?
FITZWARREN: Yes, and he wasn’t there.
ALICE: Did you listen out for snoring?
FITZWARREN: Yes, Alice, and the only sound I heard were rats squeaking.
ALICE: Come on, Father, I’ll help you look for him.
FITZWARREN: Thanks, Alice.
Exit Fitzwarren and Alice into shop.
Enter Dick and Puss [SL]
DICK: London at last, Puss. The city where the streets are paved with gold.
PUSS: Are you sure you’re not thinking of Eldorado?
Enter Chorus Member [SR]
DICK: Pardon me, but where I can find the nearest street paved with gold?
CHORUS M: Are you being serious, pal?
DICK: Yes, I can’t wait to dig it up and get rich.
CHORUS M: You’ll have a bloomin’ long wait.
DICK: What do you mean?
CHORUS M: The streets of London aren’t paved with gold!
DICK: They aren’t!?
CHORUS M: Of course not, you wally! [exits laughing]
DICK: I feel really stupid for believing all those social media posts now, Puss.
PUSS: Eight out of ten cats don’t believe them, master.
DICK: Come on, Puss, we’re heading straight back to Gloucester.
PUSS: Suits me, I didn’t want to come here in the first place.
They turn to exit [SL]
Music cue 4: Enter Bowbells [SR] dings wand. Music cue 5: Dick and Puss freeze.
BOWBELLS: Dick Whittington, we all believe in you,
Not myth or fiction, your tale is true.
Stay here, Dick, and don’t get down,
And you’ll become Mayor of London town. [ding wand Music cue 6: exit]
Dick and Puss unfreeze.
DICK: On second thoughts, Puss, I think I’ll stay here and look for a job instead.
PUSS: Talk about quick U-turns!
DICK: I’ll just check my Job Search app on my iPhone. [produces a mobile]
PUSS: I’m starving. I think I’ll scrounge some food from that shop there. Nobody can resist a cute little pussy now, can they? [meows outside shop]
Enter Alice from the shop.
ALICE: Hello, Puss! My, aren’t you a cutie. Where’s your master? [Puss goes to speak] I think I can see him. [to Dick] Excuse me, but is this your cat?
Dick and Alice come face-to-face and are instantly smitten.
SFX: Bells chime.
DICK: Yes, he is. Why, is he bothering you in any way, Miss?
ALICE: No, but I suspect he might be hungry.
PUSS: Ravenous would be a better description.
ALICE: [to Dick] You said that without moving your lips.
DICK: That wasn’t me, it was my cat.
ALICE: [laughs] A talking cat? You’d have to be crazy to believe in a talking cat!
DICK: [laughs] Yeah, you would. I was actually practicing my ventriloquist act.
ALICE: I must say you’re very good at it.
DICK: [Puss goes to speak, but Dick covers his mouth] No, Puss is just a normal non-speaking cat. Nothing special about him whatsoever.
PUSS: Huh! [turns away in a huff]
DICK: I’m Dick, by the way, what’s your name?
ALICE: I’m Alice, and that’s my father’s shop just there.
DICK: It looks very nice.
ALICE: Are you new here, Dick?
DICK: Yes, I’ve just arrived from Gloucester.
ALICE: And what brings you to London?
DICK: I came to make my fortune.
ALICE: I hope you’re not expecting to find the streets of London paved with gold, Dick. [laughs]
DICK: Hah! As if! I’d have to be pretty stupid, wouldn’t I?
PUSS: Almost as stupid as somebody who believes in talking cats.
