Dick Whittington Version 1

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Description

Synopsis:

King Rat plans to use his hordes of rats to bring London to its knees, before taking it over. But his plans are thrown into doubt, when our hero Dick Whittington, arrives in London with his trusty cat Tommy by his side.

Roles:

14 principals (Shovel & Spade double up as Mustapha and Leak in second act) plus several minor speaking roles and a chorus.

Runtime:

All of our scripts have a runtime of approx 120 minutes, assuming that you use the full number of suggested musical numbers and not including any interval. But this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit.

Music:

All of our pantomimes come with a full, suggested songs and music cues and SFX list.

Style:

Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample

Characters

Alderman Fitzwarren
Alice Fitzwarren
Sarah
Dick Whittington
Idle Jack
Captain Bilgewater
Scupper
Shovel
Spade
Fairy Bowbelle
King Rat
Sultan
Florabunda
Mustapha
Leak
Tommy The Cat

Chorus /Minor Roles

Londoners
Tourists
Harem Girls
Stan The Man
Cabin Boy

Scene One

Cheapside London


Music cue 3: Chorus/Londoners:
 After song ends…Chorus move upstage.

Fitzwarren and Alice enter (SR)

Alice

What a wonderful morning, father.

Fitzwarren

How can you say that Alice, when the whole of London is gripped by a plague of rats?

A Rat runs on (SR) and chases the screaming Chorus off (SL)

Fitzwarren

You see? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. They’re making everybody’s life miserable.

Alice

I know father, but we mustn’t let it get us down. Otherwise King Rat will have won.

Fitzwarren

At least we’ll get a break from them, when we sail for Morocco tomorrow?

Alice

Do you have to set sail for Morocco tomorrow, father?

Fitzwarren

Yes, Alice. Our shop is losing money hand over fist, because the rats keep breaking into our store and eating us out of house and home. I have invested everything I own in this trip. The Sultan of Morocco has placed an order with us, for five hundred barrels of our finest treacle.

Alice

Will it make you enough to retire on?

Fitzwarren

No, but it’ll see us through a sticky patch. Now let’s go and find Sarah, and see what’s for breakfast. (exits SR with Alice)

Sarah enters (SL) singing.

Sarah

#Oh what a beautiful morning# (spots audience) Oh hello! What a lot of onlookers we have today. There must be something exciting about to happen. And it sure as heck isn’t this show. It must be the Lord Mayor’s parade. Either that or Lady Godiva’s protesting against the council tax again. Oh she is a brazen hussy. I don’t know how she gets away with it. Mind you, she always manages to get a rebate. When I tried it, everybody just laughed at my ass. Maybe I should have ridden on a horse instead.

Fitzwarren and Alice enter (SR)

Fitzwarren

There you are Sarah. What time are we having breakfast?

Sarah

I don’t know what time you’re having yours, but I’ve already had mine.

Fitzwarren

I didn’t see you having breakfast.

Sarah

That’s because I went to McDonalds.

Fitzwarren

Well now that you’re back, you can make mine breakfast.

Sarah

No can do I’m afraid, the pantry’s empty.

Alice

But I went shopping at Asda only yesterday.

Sarah

Yes, and the rats went shopping last night.

Fitzwarren

Oh, not again! And I’m starving!

Sarah

I’ve managed to salvage a few bits and pieces, so I could try and scrape something together for you. What would you like?

Fitzwarren

I’ll have two rashers of bacon burnt to a crisp. An egg boiled so hard you’d need a hacksaw to get the top off. A slice of blackened toast, and a cup of tea that tastes like sludge.

Sarah

I can’t make you a breakfast like that!

Fitzwarren

Well you managed it yesterday.

A Rat runs back across stage.

Sarah

When are you going to do something about all these rats?

Fitzwarren

I’ve tried everything from traps to poison. The traps didn’t work and we’ve run out of poison.

Sarah

Have you tried Boots?

Fitzwarren

I want to poison them, not kick ‘em to death.

Jack enters (SL) carrying a small bag containing a pair of swimming trunks.

Idle Jack

Eh-up, it’s like a line-up for a spaghetti western.

Alice

What do you mean?

Idle Jack

(points to Alice, then Fitzwarren then Sarah) The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Fitzwarren

Where have you been?

Idle Jack

I’ve just been having a lie down. I’m knackered after all that packing I’ve had to do, ready for your trip to Morocco.

Fitzwarren

Did you manage to stay awake long enough to pack my trunks?

Idle Jack

Yes. (hands bag to Fitzwarren) Here they are.

Fitzwarren

(takes out swimming trunks) Swimming trunks? I meant my ‘sea trunks’ you idiot!

Idle Jack

You can use them in the sea!

Sarah

(to Jack) It beats me why Alderman Fitzwarren ever employed you?

Fitzwarren

You said you needed a short order cook.

Sarah

Yes, and look what I got. Someone with a short order brain.

Fitzwarren

If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself. (exits SR)

Alice

How come you’re so good at being lazy, Jack?

Idle Jack

You know what they say, ‘practice makes perfect’.

Sarah

Well you’ve certainly perfected being lazy.

Idle Jack

I don’t know why everybody’s got it in for me. I work hard I do.

Sarah

Name one job you had before we employed you?

Idle Jack

I used to be a lumberjack in the Sahara.

Sarah

But there aren’t any trees in the Sahara!

Idle Jack

Well not anymore there aren’t! And before that I was a painter and decorator. But I got sacked when my boss caught me painting a kitchen, wearing two Macintoshes.

Alice

Why were you wearing two Macintoshes?

Idle Jack

‘Cos it said on the tin. ‘For best results, use two coats’. I got my own back on him though. When he fell asleep at lunchtime, I shaved off his eyebrows.

Alice

I’ll bet he was surprised when he woke up.

Idle Jack

Yes, but you couldn’t tell. (to audience) Think about it.

Sarah

All right then, name one job you’ve done this week.

Idle Jack

I put the holes in all those doughnuts you baked yesterday.

Sarah

It’s what you used to put the holes in that worries me. It’s not hygienic!

Idle Jack

I cleaned it first.

Sarah

Well you still shouldn’t have used a toilet-brush handle. Honestly Jack, you’re such a durr brain.

Idle Jack

I don’t have to work here and listen to this.

Sarah

No, you could work somewhere else and listen to worse. Now come and help me make some more dough…dough…

Idle Jack

…Nuts?

Sarah

Yes, but you’ll have to do ‘til I find someone else. Now move it. (shoves him off SR)

Alice

(walks downstage) London used to be such a lovely place before the plague of rats. Father’s shop was prosperous, the streets were clean and everybody was happy. I only wish things could be back the way they were, before that horrible King Rat turned up. Music cue 4: Alice. After song ends…

Jack re-enters.

Alice

That was quick. Are the doughnuts done already?

Idle Jack

Almost. They just need the holes putting in.

SFX: Loud explosion.

Sarah & Fitz

(screams off) Arrgh!

Idle Jack

I think they’re in now.

Sarah

(shouts off) Jack!

Alice

Sarah doesn’t sound very happy.

Idle Jack

I wouldn’t be happy if I had a face like hers. She looks like a bulldog that’s been licking nettles, covered in vinegar.

Sarah enters (SR) pulling bits of dough and ceiling plaster from her hair.

Sarah

(to Jack) What did you put in that doughnut mix, Jack?

Idle Jack

Gunpowder.

Alice

(exclaims) Gunpowder!

Sarah

(to Jack) Why on earth did you put gunpowder in the doughnut mix?

Idle Jack

I thought it might blow holes in them while they were cooking, and save me a job.

Sarah

It blew holes all right. (furious) In the flaming kitchen wall!

Alice

Is father all right?

Sarah

The last time I saw him, he was clinging to the ceiling-light.

Fitzwarren

Arrgh!

SFX: Crashing sound.

Sarah

Well he was.

Alice

(exclaims) Father! (exits SR)

Sarah

(to Jack) That’s the last time I let you near my kitchen…what’s left of it.

Idle Jack

There’s just no pleasing you, is there?

Sarah

(sweetly) There is something you can do to please me, Jack.

Idle Jack

And what’s that?

Sarah

(fiercely) Stand still while I throttle you! (reaches for his neck)

Idle Jack

Ohwerr!

Jack runs off (SR) with Sarah in hot pursuit.

Sarah

Come back here, you lazy good-for-nothing!

Dick enters (SL) carrying a pack over his shoulder and stops centre stage.

Dick

London at last. I’ve walked all the way from Gloucester to seek my fortune, in the city where the streets are paved with gold. I haven’t seen any yet, but I’m sure it won’t be long. Oh, but what a journey it’s been. I’ve walked for days without food or company. I didn’t mind going without food, but it’s a lonely life on the road without some friendly company. Still, it’ll all be worth it when I find the gold and return home rich as a king.

Tommy is chased on (SL) by a group of Children.

Children

(variously) Clear off moggy! Smelly old cat! Dirty old fleabag!

Tommy

(cowers centre stage) Meow!

Dick

(to Children) Leave that poor cat alone! Go on, clear off the lot of you!

Children exit (SL)

Dick

What a mean bunch. (goes to help Tommy)

Tommy backs away.

Dick

It’s all right, I’m not going to hurt you. (strokes Tommy)

Tommy snuggles against Dick’s leg.

Dick

What’s your name fella?

Tommy

Meow!

Dick

Silly me, you can’t speak can you? I shall call you ‘Tommy’. Are you hungry, Tommy?

Tommy

(holds his tummy and nods) Meow!

Dick

Me too. If only I had the money to buy us something to eat. I don’t suppose you know which streets are paved with gold, do you?

Tommy

(stands and shakes his head) Meow!

Dick

I thought not. But as soon as I find them, I’ll take us both to a posh restaurant for a slap up meal.

Shovel and Spade enter (SL) carrying a workman’s hole-guard and a spade.

Spade

This looks like a good place.

Spade puts the hole-guard down and Shovel starts to dig.

Dick

Excuse me, but what are you digging for?

Spade

Gold of course.

Dick

So it’s true, the streets of London really are paved with gold?

Shovel

They certainly are.

Dick

If only I had a spade to start digging right away.

Spade

You can borrow ours if you like.

Dick

That’s very kind of you. Oh, but won’t you need it?

Spade

Nah. We’ve dug five holes already today, so we’re rich enough as it is.

Shovel

Here you are then. (hands the spade to Dick)

Spade

You’ll also need this. (hands a paper/plan to Dick)

Dick

What is it?

Spade

It’s a hole plan.

Dick

Why do I need a hole plan?

Shovel

Well half a plan’s no good, is it?

Dick

I suppose not.

Spade

Now the council have specified, that all gold-digging holes must be of standard size.

Shovel

It’s called ‘the gold standard’.

Spade

So make sure you follow the measurements on that plan, and we’ll pop back later to see how you’re getting on.

Dick

Ok. (to Tommy) Let’s get digging, Tommy. (starts digging behind the hole-guard)

Tommy helps by digging with his paws.

Shovel and Spade start to exit (SL) stopping briefly near the wing to whisper.

Spade

(to Shovel) That was a great idea of yours, to spread rumours about the streets of London being paved with gold.

Shovel

Yeah. The yokels have been flooding in ever since, and we haven’t had to dig a hole in months.

Shovel and Spade exit (SL) sniggering.

Dick

(stops digging) Phew! This digging certainly is hard work Tommy. (lifts the spade and pushes down to continue digging)

SFX: Sound of pneumatic drill.

Dick picks up the spade and looks at it puzzled.

Jack enters (SR)

Idle Jack

(to Dick) What are you doing?

Dick

I’m digging for gold.

Idle Jack

(exclaims) You’re what?

Dick

There’s lots of gold under here, and me and Tommy are digging for it.

Tommy nods.

Idle Jack

Well I’ve lived here all my life, and I’ve never seen any gold.

Dick

If you lend me a hand with digging, I’ll share it with you.

Idle Jack

No thanks, it looks too much like hard work to me.

Dick

Wouldn’t you like to get rich?

Idle Jack

Only if I can do it lying down. (stretches-yawns) Just watching you, is tiring me out.

Dick

Fine. I’ll just carry on then. (pushes the spade down again to continue digging)

SFX: Sound of pneumatic drill.

Dick picks up the spade again, and both he and Jack look at it puzzled.

Sarah, Alice and Fitzwarren enter (SR)

Fitzwarren

What’s all that noise?

Sarah

(spots Dick) I don’t believe it! They’re digging up the road again! (to Dick) What is it this time? Gas? Electric? Broadband? Or just for the heck of it?

Dick

Neither. I’m digging for gold.

Sarah

(to audience) Not only are they letting them out. But now they’re giving them shovels.

Alice

(to Dick) What’s your name?

Dick

Dick.

Sarah

(dryly) It suits you.

Fitzwarren

(to Jack) And why are you standing there, watching him making a fool of himself?

Idle Jack

Well I was going to have a lie down and watch a bit of daytime telly. But this is much more entertaining.

Sarah

Having teeth pulled without anaesthetic, is more entertaining than daytime telly.

Alice

(to Dick) If the streets of London really were paved with gold. Don’t you think we’d be digging for it?

Dick

Maybe you’re rich enough.

Alice

Do I look rich?

Dick

Well…no. But you do look very pretty.

Alice

(flattered) Why, thank you. But there really isn’t any gold here, Dick.

Dick

You mean the streets of London, aren’t paved with gold?

Sarah

Listen…Dick! The only thing the streets round here are paved with, is doggy-doo.

Tommy checks underneath his paws.

Dick

But I’ve walked all the way from Gloucester, to seek my fortune here.

Idle Jack

Then you’ve walked a long way for nothing.

Fitzwarren

Who told you there was gold here anyway?

Dick

Two council workers.

Alice

Well I’m afraid they were fibbing.

Sarah

(sarcastically to audience) Fancy that. Council workers – fibbing.

Dick

(embarrassed) What a fool I’ve been.

Alice

You must be very disappointed?

Dick

Yes, but at least I’ve had the consolation of meeting you.

Fitzwarren

You’d better fill that hole in again. I don’t want my customers falling into it. I have few enough as it is.

Dick

Yes, sir. (starts filling the hole in again)

Shovel and Spade enter (SL)

Dick

(pointing at them) They’re the ones who told me about the gold!

Alice

(to Shovel & Spade) Fancy tricking poor Dick like that. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Dick

(to Shovel & Spade) The streets of London aren’t paved with gold.

Shov & Spa

(mock horror) No!

Spade

Never mind, at least you’ve dug the hole for us.

Shovel

(looks over the hole-guard) He’s filled it in again!

Spade

(to Dick) What did you go and do that for?

Fitzwarren

I told him too.

Shovel

Why don’t mind your own business, Alderman?

Fitzwarren

(wryly) If things carry on like they are. I might not have a business left to mind.

Sarah

(to Shovel & Spade) Go and dig your dirty great holes somewhere else.

Spade

(to Shovel) Come on, let’s go and find some other gullible idiot.

Shovel and Spade take the hole guard and the spade from Dick and exit (SL)

Dick

I suppose I’d better make my way back to Gloucester now.

Alice

(has fallen for him) Do you have to, Dick?

Dick

Well there isn’t any gold here. And me and Tommy have nowhere to stay, and nothing to eat.

A toy rat is pulled across stage. Music cue 5: Tommy pounces on it ‘killing’ it.

Idle Jack

Did you see that?

Fitzwarren

What a marvellous rat-catcher!

Dick

Well, Tommy’s got his supper. Now that only leaves me.

Alice

You’re not going to eat rats too, are you?

Dick

I might have to if I don’t find work soon.

Fitzwarren

I have a proposition for you, young man.

Dick

Yes, sir?

Fitzwarren

My shop is overrun with rats. But with your cat on the premises, they wouldn’t dare enter my store.

Dick

Oh no, I couldn’t let you have Tommy. He’s my dearest companion now.

Tommy snuggles against Dick.

Fitzwarren

Then I will employ you and your cat. I can’t afford to pay any wages mind, but there’ll be a roof over your head and food on the table. Now what do you say?

Alice

Oh please say yes, Dick.

Dick

Very well. (to Fitzwarren) I accept your kind offer sir.

Fitzwarren

Excellent!

Dick

I’m sure I’ll enjoy working here with Alice…I mean, I’m sure working here will be nice.

Fitzwarren

(taking Dick Downstage) You look like a man I can trust Dick.

Dick

Why thank you, sir.

Fitzwarren

I want you to guard my safe tonight. All the gold to pay for my trip to Morocco is in there. But with you to guard it, I shall sleep soundly in my bed

Dick

You can rely on me sir.

Fitzwarren

Good man. Now come inside and Sarah will fix you up a hot meal.

Idle Jack

Whether it’s edible or not is another matter.

Sarah

Ignore him Dick. I’ve had numerous awards for my cooking.

Fitzwarren

I’ve never seen any.

Sarah

Well I don’t like to brag, but my ring doughnuts have received commendations from Michelin.

Idle Jack

(to audience) Michelin tyres.

Sarah

And I’m known throughout London for my roly-poly.

Idle Jack

We’re not interested in your private life.

Sarah

I come from a long line of famous cooks.

Idle Jack

(to audience) They go all the way back to Lucrecia Borgia.

Sarah

At least my family worked for a living.

Idle Jack

So did mine!

Sarah

I find that hard to believe.

Idle Jack

My parents were in the iron and steel business.

Dick

Really?

Idle Jack

Yes. Mum did the ironing and dad did the stealing.

Sarah

That doesn’t surprise me.

Alice

Are they still in the iron and steel business?

Idle Jack

No. Mum got done for money laundering. And dad got sent down, for pinching an out-of-date calendar from the newsagents.

Dick

What did he get?

Idle Jack

Twelve months…backdated.

Sarah

I’m not wasting time listening to this drivel. (to Dick) Come along Dick, and I’ll fix you up that hot meal.

Dick

What is it?

Sarah

Ratatouille!

All exit (SL)